Original subtitles

No. Give it here.

I want that.

You got...

He almost got the ham!

-That was a close one. -Yeah, that was close.

I don't want to watch this.

Come on, Allan.

It's actually a really informative documentary.

Where's the remote? I want to watch the updates on the war.

The remote's broken.

Alright, well, can we turn it down at least?

TV's broken too.

So we just have to watch this?

Yep.

I forgot about that alarm.

Yeah, me too, we don't really hear it that often, do we?

Thanks for coming, guys,

I just got a really exciting job for y'all!

- Cool. - Awesome, man, yeah what is it?

You two now have the privilege of helping.

THE ONE. THE ONLY...

Jared Fogle!

The Subway guy!

As you guys know,

we're not allowed to say no to anyone who calls us,

so, yeah.

You're helping Jared Fogle smile today!

Pretty cool, right?

Lord, I'm just fuckin' with you.

That was too far, man,

Jared Fogle is a genuine fucking menace.

Absolutely not. I did not like that.

Yeah, he's a pedophile.

Come on, guys! It was funny!

The costume, come on!

No, it wasn't. No, it was not, dude.

I did not find that funny.

I have a line with that kind of stuff.

I don't find that stuff funny, no.

So do we have a real job?

Yeah, I actually got a call from a scientist.

He sounded completely frantic,

and was saying something about an egg dilemma.

Please, I'm serious this time!

Please believe me!

Fuck off. Dude, that's cheap.

- That's just low hanging fruit. - That one got you.

Yeah, the dog face, yeah,

the dog got me. Good job.

- You love it. - Yeah, I do, I do, you know me.

- There it's again. - Let's go, Charlie.

What kind of scientist lives in a tunnel, dude?

I think we're almost there, I see a light ahead.

Greetings!

I am Professor Psychotic,

and you are just in time for the show!

Yes, yes!

- Oh My God! - What the hell, dude?

No need to be alarmed!

Dude, what was that? What was that thing?

That was a failure is what it was!

I injected my psychotic DNA into a chicken egg

and let it marinate for fourteen moons,

and it was supposed to create a living homunculus,

but instead it died, just like all the others!

So what do you need us for?

The reason I called you two here

is because I'm missing what all mad scientists have...

Assistance!

With your help, together,

we can finally succeed in my lifelong mission

of creating life!

Then I will finally take over the world!

Yo...

Yo. What's up?

What's up, man?

Vanessa's over. We're trying to watch TV.

You're being incredibly loud.

You're just... like my volume or...?

Yeah, volume, that's what loud means doesn't it?

Yeah, I have the door closed, I mean.

We're on the couch on the other side of this paper thin wall,

we're trying to watch a nice romantic movie

and all we're hearing is injecting DNA into an egg?

Yeah, well, that's what I do, yeah.

Yeah, that's what you do, you waste time.

You do stupid shit all the time.

You know, this is what I care about, Doug.

This is what you care about?

Care about something better!

Care about yourself maybe, care about me.

The people who are keeping you alive.

I care about you. This is like my job basically.

You care about me? That's so good.

You know what I think of your job?

Get an actual job!

Get one that pays you.

You know? Look, it's a hard economy out there.

It's a hard economy?

How about the economy of my patience?

It's running thin, buddy.

Paper thin like these walls.

What? Dude, you have your problems too like...

I've got my problems?

Okay, Okay, get the fuck out!

I--

GET THE FUCK OUT!

Go!

Fuck.

Fuck.

Dude, what do I do? I don't have a place to stay.

Fuck.

Uh, yeah. can you just give us a second?

I can understand you. I took Spanish in school.

Oh, Cool. I--

I guess you know our plan, then.

Um, Yeah.

Alright, Professor Psychotic, this place is great.

I love this place, all you gotta do

is just watch me, it's very simple.

Alright, you wanna grab,

you wanna grab a guy there, okay.

You wanna see that part right there?

you wanna twist, you wanna pull,

you wanna grab that part,

you wanna dip, you wanna dip,

you wanna throw the other piece away.

Dip it in some of that and just, you know, enjoy it.

It's good, you try.

I still can't believe my brother kicked me out...

The craziest part is, I'm 100 percent in the right.

No, dude, your brother kinda has a point.

Okay, this mad scientist stuff, it's ruining your life,

you just got kicked out of your place, dude.

Well, I wouldn't say it's just the mad scientist stuff...

It's definitely the mad scientist,

it's definitely the mad scientist stuff, 100 percent.

But then what am I gonna do all day?

I mean, dude, you keep bringing up creating life,

have you ever like been with a woman?

You know you can like create life with a woman, right?

Like, fucking her?

No, I couldn't do that.

I have trouble speaking to women.

Come on, man, it's not that hard,

why don't you just try to practice first?

Look, what about that girl right there,

she's beautiful.

Why don't you try talking to her?

Uh, hello, I'm Professor Psychotic!

I am making an egg with my DNA in my evil laboratory!

I really thought that would work.

How? How could that ever work?

Fellas, fellas, the thing up there!

Look, Mr. Doug, I know your brother can be eccentric,

but you really should give him a chance to change his ways!

He's the only brother you've got!

No!

Decision's final. I've given Daniel too many chances.

I work 14 hours a day to pay for our house

and he's in his bedroom doing that egg shit.

I'm done.

Well, maybe if you two had a nice sit down over a cup of tea

and a slice of cake, you could work things out!

I oughta knock your block off, you little freak.

What?

Sorry.

It's just that things really haven't been the same since...

the funeral.

- Funeral? - Yeah.

Mother's funeral.

Ever since then, Daniel hasn't been the same.

He blew her inheritance on that scientist lab of his.

$80,000.

Right down the tubes.

You know, I'm just happy Mother's not here to see it.

Check this out.

My God. I'm sorry.

Pretty fuckin' serious.

Please, Mr. Doug, just give your brother one more chance!

Nope. Like I said, decision is final.

Oh, oh, careful, careful!

Matthew!

Nooo!

No, no, this can't be happening!

My brother! Nooo!

And yeah, we was having a little bit of brotherly drama,

but I see how little that matters now!

And I never told him how much I damn love him!

I freakin' love you, man.

Oh my God! Nooo!

Okay. I'll go see him.

Yeah, I think that's a good idea,

Yeah.

honestly.

Oh, nice to see you. Come in.

Your brother's in the living room.

- Doug, good to see you. - Looking good, Daniel.

Alright, Doug, why don't you start?

Okay.

Daniel

I'm sorry I kicked you out and exploded on you.

You're my little baby brother and I worry sick about you.

Your behavior has been affecting

everyone around you, including me.

I just wish the best for you.

That was very nice, Doug.

Daniel, do you have anything to say?

Come on, man. Say something.

Doug, I'm sorry for all the stuff I did,

but it's been hard for me too.

You haven't been the same

since you became addicted to those painkillers.

I take those pills because of you, man.

Yeah, well, maybe if you weren't high 24-7,

you could have been there for Mother when she died!

I'm gonna kick

your fuckin' ass, man!

Stand up. Get up.

Get off me, brother!

- Stop! - You stop!

Stop fighting!

Wait.

Hello, huh? Hello, daddies?

Hello, daddies? Hello?

Don't you see? Look what you did!

You created life.

Hello! What's up. Hello. What's up.

Yes, I did it, I really did it...

We need to put aside

whatever differences we may have

to raise this homunculus.

Yeah.

We need to father this son better

than our mother ever mothered us.

Absolutely, dude.

- I love you. - I love you too.

I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, man.

I love you.

You did it. You're a fucking genius.

You're a genius, look at you.

Pim, the world we live in stresses me out, dude.

Really? Why?

Just like never ending constant chaos.

No, it never let's up, I hate it, it's not good.

Oh, okay, I mean, I--

you didn't like when the man came out of the egg though?

- That was kinda nice, wasn't it? - No, that's what I'm talking about.

- It's exactly what I'm saying. - Oh, you didn't like

that kind of... I'm sorry.

What's that? You didn't do it, its not your fault.

Yeah, okay.

I'm sorry I tried to take that ham earlier.

No, it's alright. I'm sorry I didn't lend it to you.

Oh.

You can have it. You can have a piece.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - Get over here, brother.

I love you.

That changed my life....

I'm not crying because of the movie.

I'm crying cause I can't change my face back to normal.

I don't know what to do.