All language subtitles for Office.Christmas.Party.2016.UNRATED.1080p.10bit.BluRay.8CH.x265.HEVC

Are you kidding me?

Oh, Josh! Sorry I'm late.

That's all right.

Office holiday breakfast.

You guys have parties
at 10:30 in the morning?

Less liability.

Apparently, people don't
get drunk before noon.

- Mmm.
- It's boring as shit.

- But the partners want us there, so...
- Sure.

Anyways, after a year of negotiation,
your divorce is finalized.

These are the terms we agreed to.

The alimony, the house. Sorry.

Don't worry about it. It's only money.

It is only

all of the money.

But it's the season for giving, right?

I know how you feel.

Oh, yeah? I didn't know
you were divorced.

Oh, God, no. That'd be crushing.

- Hmm.
- But I get it.

On one level, it must seem like, uh,

"I'm signing away a huge chunk of my life

"that I'm never getting back."

Mmm-hmm.

That's it? No other level?

- No, that's it. Uh, initials.
- Oh.

Hey. There are good things
ahead for you, okay?

- Yeah. Oh.
- Come here.

- Thank you. Thanks, buddy.
- Merry Christmas.

Hey, what's this?

My final bill's in there.

- Is it?
- Oh, also my holiday card.

The wife had me and the kids dress up

like members of One Direction.
Pretty fun.

Mmm. Dynamite.

Yes, Mom, it is all done. I am divorced.

Well, you should tell Dad

that she is not coming over
for Christmas.

Why? Because we're divorced, Mom!

Well... Oh, Mom, don't worry about that.
I'm still gonna be fun.

I'm still gonna be
fun Uncle Josh, you know?

Yeah.
Well, without doing that...

No, you can leave
the Santa suit in the attic.

Why? Because I'm an adult

and dressing up as Santa Claus
would be embarrassing.

Hi. Unless, you know,
you're doing it for charity.

Then it's... Then it's, um... Sorry.

Tell Dad that I love... Oh! That's lucky.

Just put me down for five bucks, okay?

Hanging up, Mom.

Hey, Carla, good morning.

You see something over there?
What do you got?

I think that Starbucks

- attracts a bad element, Josh.
- Oh, yeah.

Listen. Give me the green light...

- Mmm-hmm.
- ...and I'll shut it down.

Oh, I love that initiative. It's awesome.

Could you sign me in real quick, please?

I wish I could,
but they got us sending you

through these machines now.

Gonna replace my ass, matter of time.

That's never gonna happen.

These machines don't have
your smile, Carla.

Make that money!

Josh, we have a situation.

Mary! How do you always just appear?

You're like a human pop-up ad.

Did you read my latest memo
on appropriate work dress?

Uh, almost done. Don't ruin the end.

Well, some people didn't.
And those people are Meghan.

Nobody listens to H.R.

Hey, Meghan?

I thought that I have been clear about

the number of buttons that
can be unbuttoned on a shirt.

- You were serious about that?
- It's winter.

Can we put Dancer and Prancer
back in their stable?

Are you body-shaming her right now?

Some people here

might find your outfit offensive.

Well, some people
might find your outfit offensive.

And really confusing.

Oh, I thought it was clear.

This is a multi-denominational
holiday sweater.

It has Christmas,

Hanukkah, Kwanzaa,

the Buddhist day of enlightenment,

and Boxing Day on it.

Everyone's included!

Is everyone included?

What about... What about the...
The Mormons?

What about the Jews for Jesus?

- What about Scientologists?
- Yeah. Mysticism.

What about Shintōism?

Satanism.

Right.

What about something for the Satanists?

Jeremy, come on. I...
I admire the stand that you're taking,

but let's schedule the protest rally

for after the workday, shall we?

And, Mary, let's let it slide.

Thank you.

Good morning, everybody.

You can't silence us all.

I know why you took a medical leave.

It's hard for me to bring her out
in public because she's so beautiful.

Hey, guys.

People put models
on this crazy pedestal...

- Yep.
- But I think that's why, you know,

Becca fell for me,

because I just treat her
like a normal person.

Good for you, man.
Hey, so, um, are you gonna be

inviting your fake girlfriend
to the holiday party later?

I mean, I just want to make sure
you have time to inflate her.

Okay, Becca's real.

And we're not gonna mix
business with pleasure.

Sounds like he didn't invite her, dude.

Oh, my God, did you not...

Oh, no! I mean,
I hope she's not imaginary pissed.

You won't get any more
imaginary blow jobs.

Right?

Tim. Drew.

Hey, it's a couple days before Christmas.

Let's just try to keep it
positive till then, okay?

- We're totally positive.
- No, we're all about...

Totally positive that he is full of shit.

Hey...

You bring it on yourself, Nate.

- You know, I do have a girlfriend.
- I know.

She's a human woman,
and we've done it.

Maybe just don't talk
about her so much at work.

It's just gonna make those guys jealous.

You know, not only are you their boss,

but you also have a hot girlfriend.

- Yeah.
- You know?

It's too much. I hate you.

Yeah.

- Have a good day.
- You, too!

Can you believe
corporate raised the price

in the vending machine again?

$2 for ginger ale?

They're trying to crush us like ants!

No, there's a lot of
bad energy in this office.

Yo, Josh, what the fuck?

What the fuck, Tracey?

You changed
the security code without telling me?

Yeah, I'm working on sensitive shit,
and I don't want prying eyes.

I'm prying eyes? I'm your supervisor.

Chief technical officer,
lead systems engineer.

Yeah, well, I'm the only one who knows
how to hack the security panel,

so suck my dick.

Nice. Okay.

What are you working on?

Oh, It's too complicated to explain.

What is that,
subroutine for duplex compression?

Don't tell me that's what I think it is.

This is the future of Zenotek.

Hey, we should pitch this to Data City!

That's a theory.

You want to peg
the company to a theory?

Man, you used to
get excited by big ideas.

Now you just bunt, and ask
for the same thing over and over.

I swing for the fences.

And I'm going to change
the fucking game.

Okay. I need the specs
for the Data City pitch, please.

Already done. Here.

Great. That was fast.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- Hey, are you okay?
- Yeah.

Really? Because you seem
a little off today.

You seem a little weird.

- Well...
- Oh, my gosh!

Today is the day, right? Hey!

Congratulations, you're free!

You gonna get a back tattoo
and some skinny jeans?

Funds are a little tight, but...

It feels good to be free.

Yeah.

All right. Thank you for this.

- Hey, J.
- Yeah?

I got you for Secret Santa again.

I know. I got you, too.

Oh, sweetie, that is so great!
Mommy's so proud of you.

Hey, could you put your daddy
back on the phone for a second?

Hey, Allison. Is he ready?

You fucking motherfucker!

If I hear you let your stripper girlfriend

put my children
on her motorcycle one more time,

I will Gone Girl you so hard!

- You can go in.
- I'm just gonna go in. Thank you.

No, no, no. Don't try and sell
this as some win-win situation.

This is not my first rodeo, okay?

- Is that Data City?
- No.

No.

Rick, do you want this deal or not?

Because if you want him,
you're gonna have to pay for him.

It's almost the playoffs,

not the second week
of the regular season.

Perfect. It's the right choice.

I am running a train on this league.

I... I don't think that that means
what you want it to mean.

I'd love to talk to you
about the Data City pitch,

for later on this afternoon?

Yes, but first I want
your opinion on something.

Okay.

What do you think of this?

I just got it.

Look at that.

I like it 'cause it looks like
he's trying just a little too hard.

The artist?

Oh, I hadn't thought about the artist.

I think it sends a good message.

I think it says that you are strong
and you are willing to buy anything.

- Oh, no, I commissioned it.
- That's more expensive.

Yeah, but worth it.

I think it's a great new addition.

I'd love to talk about Data City,
the pitch this afternoon...

I think it's super important.

It is really important,
but we've got kind of a crisis.

This is what corporate wants us to give
everyone for Christmas. Just this.

Yeah, can't hand that out.

And I'm already feeling kind of a

"fuck you" vibe down there,
definitely not Christmas spirit.

I can't argue with you there.

Good. I want to Secret Santa the shit
out of the staff meeting. Come on.

Can we work and walk?

Allison, hold most of my calls,
not all of them.

No, where are you going?

Christmas shopping.

What about that breakfast pizza
you ordered?

You're not cold without a big coat on?

No, I gain 15 pounds every winter
so I don't have to wear one.

- Huh. That's a healthy choice.
- Not really.

Hey, are you bringing anybody
to this wine and cheese thing?

No, I'll be there solo.

Good. Smart.
So you can focus on Tracey, right?

Tracey and I work together.
What are you talking about?

I'm just saying.
I can't be your work wife forever.

Hey, how fast do you think
you'd have to go to make that jump?

- Uh... Boy, I don't know. In a car?
- Yeah.

I just never thought about that.

You know, your mind's like a drunk baby.

What do you think, 80 or 90?

What would Vin do?
Vin Diesel? Or Tyrese?

They'd never make it, right? It's suicide.

Unless you were going 120,
you put a bunch of free weights

- in the trunk to even it out, you know...
- Okay.

Then you just catch air. Boosh!

"Fuck you, gravity,
and you, Dom Toretto!"

- Yeah.
- Then...

Just a smooth landing,
like a baby's buttocks.

I'd love to pick this up indoors.

You know,
I've only ever seen the first film,

so I don't know if I'm much help to you
in this conversation. So...

- Are you serious?
- Yeah. Here we go.

Why am I just hearing about this?

We've worked together for eight years.

They only get more fast! More furious!

I love this place.

So, what would people want?
Would they like... Ooh!

Is this UV? Is UV good or bad? I forget.

- No, not for the eyes, it's good.
- Does it do anything here?

Probably. Is this for teeth whitening?

Okay, what about this, right?

Everybody gets stressed at work

around this time of year.

Huh. That could get you
a sexual harassment suit.

What? Why?

Not everyone likes dildos for Christmas.

This isn't a dildo. It's a body massager.

Yeah, well,
it's a circumcised purple penis.

It could be considered sexual.

Why is it like that?

Everything here
could be considered sexual.

Hey, what about this for Alan from legal?

Well, Alan's bald.

It's so hard to shop for the bald.

Who are they? What do they want?

Hair.

You know, maybe
we should just go get some gift cards.

That's exactly what we should do!

"Here's a gift card
because I don't know you

"and I don't care
and I won't get in trouble for it."

You know, when my dad
ran this company,

Christmas was actually a big deal.

At the Christmas party every year,

he would dress up like Santa Claus,
get everybody fucked up.

Yeah, you could back then.

He would throw gifts into the crowd.

Derek Peterson
shattered his femur for a rotisserie set.

And that was before
Boston Chicken was, like, a thing.

- I've heard those stories.
- He took care of them.

That's what I want
for my people. You know?

And I want that drone.

Clay, let me ask you a question.

You think that my management
style is... Is too careful?

Uh, do you think that I bunt
instead of swing for the fences?

I want to be
completely honest with you, Josh.

I wasn't paying attention,
so I didn't hear your question.

- I can repeat it.
- I'd rather you didn't.

Because I can
tell by your face that it's serious.

And I want to tell you seriously,

it's almost Christmas. Relax.

- You want some of this?
- I think so.

- I don't think you do.
- You sure?

I think you better get moving.

Uh-oh. Here he goes!

Huh?

Eat that! Eat it, Clay!

Careful, careful, careful!

We're good.

Oh, no!

Oh...

Hey!

Ooh, somebody is getting fired.

Hey, uh, Allison? Right?

- Yeah.
- I'm Fred.

I just joined accounting.

Hi.

Um, so, I saw
that photo on your desk.

Are those your kids?

- Yep. They're two and four.
- Oh.

I'm a single mom. Ugh.

That's great.

- I was raised by a single mom.
- Really?

Yeah. If you ask me, Tupac was right.

Ain't a woman alive

That could take my mama's place

I don't know that song.

Oh, shit.

Allison.

Where's Clay?

He's unreachable.

He's participating
in a conference... Summit...

Elon Musk, uh,

tech participation relay.

Let's try that again.

Allison, where's Clay?

- He's Christmas shopping.
- Okay.

I would like all department heads

in the conference room in five minutes.

And tell him to stop looking at me.

Look away.

Ooh. No, he's cute. Oh.

Actually...

It's like the calling never stops.

I know. It's so annoying.

You have got to be shitting me.

So the bartender says,

"We don't see many gorillas."
And the gorilla says,

"Well, at $12 for a martini,
I can see why not."

- You know a lot of gorilla jokes.
- Yeah.

Excuse me.

What's going on? Something's off.

Yeah, everyone's working.

Oh, shitster.

It's my sister.

There she is!
My sister from another mister!

I'm kidding, our mother didn't start
having affairs until the mid-90s.

What are you doing here?

Well, we were just going over
your fourth quarter earnings.

And I wondered
if I was missing something.

Probably.

Clay, why don't you have a seat?

Uh, no. It's my branch,
so I prefer to stand.

Fine.

Allison, would you please remove
Clay's chair?

- Sure.
- Thank you.

Sorry.

Thank you, Allison.

So we were all a little bit disappointed

not to hit 7 % growth in this last quarter.

But 6.5 % is right
on industry standard for the fall.

Mmm-mmm. You need to hit 12 %.

- "Twelve"?
- Twelve is the new seven.

- What?
- Since when?

Since Dad died

and the board made me CEO.

Oh. You mean interim CEO.

Shut up.
Listen, essentially, this branch is failing.

6.5 % is not failing.

- Yes, it is.
- We're doing better than Orlando.

I mean, half those jack-offs
had mono last year, right?

Well, I closed the Orlando branch.
This morning.

What?

I am sorry.

Damn it. I hate tension, and I...

- I farted.
- Wow.

You are not selling enough servers.

You have no new ideas
and there is no new revenue.

- I have something new.
- Really?

- No, you don't.
- Yeah, I do.

- It's not ready.
- It is ready.

- It's not ready.
- It is ready.

- Uh, we can hear you.
- Yeah, sorry.

We can. It's a completely silent room.

- Go ahead.
- Yeah...

What's the most annoying thing
about the Internet?

- Pictures of people's kids.
- Linkedln invites.

My girlfriend's always on it.
I have a girlfriend.

The lack of Asian male representation
in porn.

Grumpy Cat. It's like... It's Garfield.

Oh, you know that orange
with the human dick?

Oh, my God, what is this, Shark Tank?

Can you just get to the point, please?

It's getting on the Internet.

Mmm.

So we can already
connect to the Internet

through standard electrical lines

and obviously we can do it
through the air.

But what if we could combine
those technologies?

With Zenotek AnywAir,

you can pull the Internet wirelessly

from anything
that's connected to a power grid.

Your appliances.
Street lights. A light bulb.

You're never out of range,
and you're never low on signal.

It's AnywAir.

We're in the future.

And you can deliver that?

I'm still figuring out
some coding issues, but yes.

Well, how long have you been figuring?

- Four years.
- Four years?

All right, well,
that doesn't sound very real to me.

Well, if it was real,
I wouldn't have to invent it.

I'm sorry, what's your name again?

Tracey Hughes.

And if you forget again,

it's on all of the recent patents
for Zenotek.

Mmm-hmm.

You know what? I'm gonna sit.

Not because you told me to,
but because I prefer it.

So...

- Is there anything else?
- Actually, yes.

This is a sample cheeseboard
for our holiday mixer tonight.

I know it's a little heavy on the Gouda...
That was the MVP last year.

Uh, I do have
a feisty Cheddar on the bench.

I think that pairs better with

the mulled non-alcoholic wine myself,
but what do I know?

Wait, wait. I'm sorry. Excuse me.

You're having a Christmas party tonight?

Oh, it's not a Christmas party.

It's a non-denominational holiday mixer.

More inclusive.

Well, whatever the fuck it is,
it's not happening.

Yeah, it's definitely...
Well, it's not "happenin""

because it happens
at 5:30 in the afternoon.

It's just a small thing
that's really important to all of us,

but trust me, it's gonna suck.

No, it's not gonna suck,
because it's canceled.

What?

All branch Christmas parties
are canceled.

It's a waste of money!

Come on. What are
you guys not getting?

All right, it's canceled.

It's not.

Clay! I mean it.

Me, too, Carol.
Guys, the holiday mixer is canceled.

- Yes.
- It won't be.

Hey! It's canceled, Clay!

The thing is not happening
at all.

I'm not messing with you.

Hey! Stop doing that!

Hey, idiot, I'm looking right at you.

I saw that!
You whispered to the farty cheese lady.

Well...

Don't make me pull rank, Clay.

It is canceled.

Fine!
Then this meeting is canceled!

Huh?

Damn it!

I was keeping it light in there.

That was light, huh?

You have to give her a break, Josh.

She's hated parties ever since
she started not getting invited to them.

Please. That party's
the least of your problems.

Is that Dad?

No, Carol, I just have
some random guy's ashes in my office.

Got it online.

Yes. He wanted them here,
with me, at his branch.

I thought they were gonna
divide him equally.

It's not my fault that he always
liked hanging out with me more.

I don't care. I got this company.

Moving on.

We have a lot of big cuts to make. Okay?

Obviously, bonuses are canceled.

You know, there's a lot of people
that are relying on those bonuses.

I suppose you're still
getting your bonus, though.

Secondly, I'm laying off 40 % of your staff.

"Forty"?

Forty... That... We have 200 employees.
That's like, 60...

- Some...
- That's 80. It's 80.

Eighty. That's, like, 80 employees.

Uh, you got to give us
a little bit of time to turn this around.

Fine, then you have
until the end of the quarter.

- That's two days.
- Is it? Oh, well.

- This is unfair.
- You wanna talk unfair?

How about Dad skipping
my Harvard graduation

to go with you to the X Games?

And you weren't even competing.

You just sponsored
some guy's wakeboard.

He got the bronze. Which is brown gold.

All right, so I've made
a list of my first round of layoffs.

So you might wanna get a pen

- and start writing these down.
- No. Let me see that.

- No. No.
- Give me that.

- No!
- These are my employees!

Guys, are we sure about this?

Say you won't make budget cuts.

I swear to God, Clay!

Here comes the loogie express!

- Don't you dare!
- Say, "Everybody's

- "gonna get a bonus," or else.
- You motherfucker.

Suck that back in.
You suck that back in! You mother...

Clay.

Oh, my God!

Why do you do this to yourself?

You know I took nine years of Krav Maga.

Carol, you know, he's turning blue.

Yeah. Our family, you got to tap out.

Tap out. Tap out.

Okay.

All right. You okay?

Dad gave you a free pass your entire life,

and you're not getting one from me.

The only way you're gonna hit
your targets this year is by cutting jobs.

Hey, what if we landed
the Data City account?

- Data City? Walter Davis?
- That's right.

You do know that he's already met with
HP, Cisco and Oracle.

Yeah, but he hasn't heard our pitch.

No.

Josh and I have been
drilling into it for weeks.

Yeah. Months. Whole team.

And we have a meeting with him

- this afternoon.
- Yeah.

All right.

Well, I'm on a flight to London tonight.

So if by some miracle you guys
can close Walter Davis

and his $14 million contract
by the time I land at Heathrow,

the jobs are safe.

Done!

And you'll see,
you're gonna look so stupid.

Then we'll finally
have something in common.

God damn it! She's so mean!

People are saying "cuts."
What kind of cuts?

Oh, nothing's official.

Guys, I can barely afford my rent.

I'm sleeping in a closet.

- Don't panic.
- You can't replace the new guy, right?

You're probably gonna go with people
that are older, more expensive?

I don't want you to overreact.

I just bought that used Lexus, Josh.
I can't give it back.

I put rims on it, man!

I have six parrots with very expensive
medical issues. You know this.

I'm gonna have to put one down.

- Nobody is losing their jobs!
- Yeah.

That is a Josh and Clay
Christmas promise.

Your promises are dog shit!

- Boy, they turned quick.
- Yeah, they sure did.

Jesus. Incest and rape?

I mean, that is dark.

That could be a different Clay.

And Carol.

We got to land this pitch.

Okay, everybody knows
what we're doing?

Sure. We're just pitching to
save our company. No biggie.

And we're proving that
my sister doesn't fuck me.

- If anything, I fuck her!
- All right.

Yeah, listen, I get the spirit of that, but...

We at Zenotek put the "client"

in client-server
model service distribution.

And this is a leave-behind.

And we have some new innovation
that we can talk to you about later.

Later.

You got to... You got to go with us.

Okay.

Thank you for the pitch.

Just give me a beat,
and I'll let you know my decision.

Okay. When you say "beat,"
you're talking about an hour

or a day? A full day?

Certainly before the holidays,
I'd imagine, right?

Listen, it's Christmas, so, I'll be honest.

Your servers are good.

Dell's servers are good.

- So...
- You're gonna go with us.

- I'm gonna go with Dell.
- Fuck!

- Why?
- Don't.

I... I know your product.

My problem is with your culture.

Our culture is great.

That's not what I hear.

Word is you're closing branches
and making layoffs.

- That's not true.
- No, that's barely true.

A mixture of fabrication and rumor.

Look, I get it. You got to make money.

And every quarter
you got to make more money.

And if you got to fire some people

and cut back
on some benefits to make it happen,

that's what business is now, right?

And as long as the board
has gotten its bonus

and the stock is ticking up? Come on.

Sir, that's not who we are.

And if you came to our offices,
you would see that.

You should come meet our people.

Yeah, we're a family business.

Everyone loves everyone.

I mean, Clay and his sister,

they're so close it's almost inappropriate.

We would love
the opportunity to prove you wrong.

I'm sure you have wonderful
cubicles and great carpeting,

but I've done those tours before.

I'm gonna pass.

Um...

- Thank you so much.
- Oh, we got that.

- No, they've already put it on my room.
- It's the least we can do.

And in addition to the breakfast
my company won't pay for anymore.

Good luck, guys.

Great. That was uplifting.

He's saying we suck.

Our big closer was a thumb drive.

Yeah, but we don't suck.
We just need a way to show him that.

How are we gonna do that?

We're gonna invite him
to our canceled wine and cheese night?

No, we should take him out for real.

I mean, you heard him.

His company won't even
buy him breakfast.

He's an old school guy
who drinks scotch at lunch.

We should take him out
and show him a great time.

So we'll hook him up with Don Draper,

then go out and get
a couple of steaks and an STD.

No, no, no. You're both right.

We show him a great time
at our office Christmas party tonight.

What? I didn't say that.

- It's not the worst idea.
- Right?

Of course it is. We don't even have
an office Christmas party.

Carol said no to all
discretionary spending.

She wants to lay off 40 %.
You want to double that?

My sister doesn't do anything at 40 %.

She's just cutting off our legs
so we can't run away

when she wants to fucking
curb-stomp our face.

This is the way we close Walter.

We throw the best Christmas
party he's ever been to.

He loves it, he loves us,
he sees we care about people,

he falls in love with our culture,
he wants to work with us.

This is how we save everybody's job!

I like it, Josh. Say yes.

He's walking away,
unless you have a better idea.

That's your approval sigh.

Walter?

We have one more pitch for you.

Do you party?

I used to.

Okay, so we have to throw a massive
party from scratch in five hours.

Yeah. And we got
an office full of pissed-off employees.

You guys, I got this.
I have a black belt in partying.

That's why I got kicked out
of boarding school

and two intensive care units.

Listen. Did you see this?
"It's F-ing Christmas, B's.

"Let's get mother-F-ing drunk.

- "Attendance mandatory."
- Yeah.

Lawsuit!

Mary, it's for the greater good, okay?

Oh, Joel, would you do me a favor?

Would you get Fred up to Clay's office?

- Oh, yeah, sure.
- Thank you.

- Wait!
- Yup.

I don't know if it's helpful,
but regarding the music tonight,

I happen to have a friend
who's a pretty good DJ.

Great. Bring him.

- See, we already got a DJ.
- Yep.

Um, so let me get this straight.

Now we're having this great party

and we're getting our bonuses at it.

Yes, Jeremy, because you deserve it!

Maybe you shouldn't have
promised them bonuses.

No, first rule of business,

shoot for the moon
and you'll land on the sun.

I'd love to know where you read that.

And let's just focus on closing Walter.

- You know?
- Carol burned this place to the ground.

We are planting
the seeds of a new dawn.

Smitty? Clay Vanstone.

No, I'm not dead. That was
just a rumor, although well-founded.

How much alcohol
can I legally buy from you?

Move out of my way.

I swear to God,
I will drop this on your back. Move!

You know what?

Merry Christmas,
you sweet motherfucker. Ah!

- You're coming, yeah, Smitty?
- Yes.

- Yes! Okay. You want this?
- No.

All right.

I'm keeping this lamb.

We need something else,
something that will make us look cool.

Does anybody know anybody
who knows the Kanye West?

- No.
- No.

But my girlfriend does PR for the Bulls.

Okay, does your girlfriend
have a friend who knows

the man that makes us call him Yeezy?

Nate, what's up, man? Did you see?

Significant others
are welcome at the party. Look at that.

Looks like we're finally
gonna meet Becca.

Yeah!

Um, oh, shoot.

Uh, except she's working
late tonight. Modeling.

Is she shooting the cover

of Full of Shit magazine?

You know what? She's gonna be there.

You guys! Nate's girlfriend's coming!

Shit! Match, match, match.
Match! Come on.

Okay. Um, what are
we gonna do with these after the party?

Raffle.

Hey, dicks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Finish him!

For a failing branch,
we're surprisingly productive.

Yeah, I just wish Carol could see this.

Uh, no, Clay, that would be very bad.

Yeah, you're right.

All right, go put on your party suits.

- Yeah.
- Tonight's gonna be a great night.

Clay, I told you,
I don't need to do any pre-game for...

- Carol.
- Pre-game for what?

For the, uh, work session we got tonight.

And to complete the process of...

We're closing Walter Davis, you know?

It's going really, really well.

- Hmm.
- Phase one's complete.

Why don't you come on in?

I thought you were going to London.

I was on my way to the airport,

but I thought I would stop by and

have a tour of your bachelor pad.

Well, that didn't take long.

How did you know about my divorce?

Oh, you changed
your emergency contact to "self."

And nobody single by choice would
live this close to the freeway.

Is that robe why your wife left you?

What do you want, Carol?

I want you to work for me in New York.

You basically
run this branch without the credit.

I will double your salary,
you'll get job security,

and a boss who doesn't end every memo

with a quote from Aerosmith.

I could never do that to Clay,
and I'm very happy where I am.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I don't see happy.

I see crappy.

And a rug that makes me sad.

Anyway, um...

I don't know, just think about it.
When the branch closes,

and Clay has a trust fund to fall back on,

what are you gonna have?

Not much.

Merry Christmas!

- Thank you.
- You got it.

Hey, man. Good to see you. Hi.

- Eight years I've been working here.
- Turn around.

What are you hoping
to find anyway, Carla?

What's your dream contraband?

I just like making you my bitch.

- You can go.
- Thank you.

Wow! You look like Cinderella

if she joined the TSA.

Very, very nice.
Okay, take a look at this, please.

Ooh, who's Mr. December?

This is Walter Davis, he's a VIP.

I want you to do me a favor and let me
know the second he comes in.

Can you do that?

You will hear the sound of heavy flirting.

- Or just a text. That'd be great.
- Okay.

- And are you gonna join us later?
- No, I doubt it.

I have to protect the front lines,
make sure no crazy stuff happens.

But if it does... I'm ready.

- And you went with the yellow. Smart.
- Right?

Hey.

- How's everyone doing tonight?
- Great.

- It's my birthday.
- Ah.

Really committing. That's nice.

Hey, look at that!

- Hi.
- Hey, there, Susan.

- Nice reindeer, right?
- How you doin'?

Throw that in coat check for me, please.

Thank you. You look great. Oh.

- Hey, Josh.
- Hey, Dean.

You, uh... You thought
you'd bring the kid, huh?

Yeah. We couldn't get
anyone to watch him.

But don't worry, he has an iPad.

We could ax murder each other
and he wouldn't even notice.

He'll just sit there
with that dumb look on his face.

Yeah, that's the one.

Okay. Well, can you stick him
in my office for me?

- If you're cool with that.
- Sure. Well, not cool, but...

- Have a good time.
- Thank you.

All right. Let's drop him quick,

because these edibles
are gonna kick in any second.

- Hey, Mr. Parker.
- Hey, Rodney.

- Want a Zeno Punch?
- No.

- Foam finger?
- Uh-uh, neither.

And, you know, we can skip this, too.

- Good spirit, though. Yep.
- Okay.

Could I have a beer, please?
Pretty great, huh, Jeremy?

Yeah, it's so weird,
I feel like I'm still at the office.

Yeah. Oh. Thank you.

It's so nice not to have to
talk about work.

Yeah, so nice.

Hey, hey, fellas. All looks good, huh?

- Good, Josh. Great party.
- Thank you. So far.

- The bar free all night?
- It is, yeah.

So is all this yummy food. Give it a try.

How about that salmon station
down there, huh?

Sales has already given it a whack.

I hate those guys.

- Hairy-shouldered donkey fuckers.
- Hey...

The only reason Legal hates Sales
is because of your job.

They wanna do shit, and you guys
gotta tell them why they can't. That's all.

Yeah, but we're fucking right.

It's not about being right.

This is a party. It's about embracing
a little wrong. Come on, eat up.

God,

I know I haven't asked you
for much in this life.

Granted, I was born rich.

And white. And male. And straight.

Except for that one time.
But that's Las Vegas.

But tonight I need you to bless this party.

This party has to rock.

So we can get Walter's contract,

so that everyone can keep their jobs,
especially Allison.

I mean, she is losing it!

And she has all my personal information.

And so that we can prove
my sister wrong.

Show her that I am a good boss.

And will you say hi to our dad?

And tell him we really miss him.

And that I'm rocking his Santa suit.

Oh, and tell
Prince and David Bowie

how much they meant to everybody.

I mean, Labyrinth, Purple Rain...

They know.

All right,

let's light this fucking candle.

Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, Zenotek!

It's me, Santa Claus!

I'ma comin' to town for an epic night.

Yay!

Santa!

That's okay, we'll get there.

Watch this, Greg.

Dean! Clear. I'm coming around.

Oh, shit.

Oh, God.

It's okay!

It's okay! That was part of it.

Okay, Santa, what an entrance!

Oh, Right down the chimney, folks!

Merry Christmas, bitches!
Santa can't be hurt.

You doing okay? You all right?

- That really did hurt, yeah...
- Are you sure?

But you know what,
I had this for padding.

Holy shit. What the fuck is that?

Tell me that's not for something illegal.

No, no, no. Don't worry, this is all mine.

I rented one of those Money Tornados.

So for the bonuses later,

I'm gonna make it rain like a hurricane.

Are you sure you're not
getting carried away?

This seems like
a lot of money you're spending.

Josh, this is Christmas, okay?

And if anybody knows
how to work within a budget, it's me.

All right? And speaking of.

There you go. Hi.

- Cool.
- Little Jesus.

- Did you rent a live baby?
- Yeah, for the nativity scene.

What? It's cheaper than you think, okay?

Is it?

Oh, shit! DJ Calvis in the house tonight!

Oh, God, no.

Add my Snapchat, DJ Calvis.

Joel's friend looks just like Joel.

Ooh! Looks like some babies
getting made tonight!

I'm not looking to get pregnant tonight.

Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry.

Joel, that's a red card for you.

Um, babies are not getting made
tonight, not here on company property.

If you're going to have intercourse,

please go beyond the flood lamps
at the perimeter of the plaza

and into the Rite Aid parking lot.

That's right. 'Cause we fucking tonight!

Joel. Language.

This is still an office, and

even though it's dark outside,
the rules don't turn off.

The rules may not turn off,
but your inhibitions can!

I'm talking about take your pee-pees
out and put 'em in some booties!

And remember that tonight
the decisions you make

will have consequences
that will haunt you

for the rest of your professional lives.

And, um...

And so have fun.

Yeah, Mary, way to psyche everybody up!

Main takeaway, if you're gonna fuck,
do it in the parking lot.

Turn it up!

I hate office parties.

How are you supposed to have fun
at the place that bores you the most?

I know. I just keep thinking about
all the work I don't care about.

And I wouldn't fuck anyone in this party
even on a dare.

Eh. The only guy I would maybe
consider is Rob from Logistics.

He looks pretty good
since he got his stomach stapled.

- Well, Fred's cute.
- Who?

The new guy from Accounting.

Yeah, I normally wouldn't wanna
date someone from Accounting.

You know, or, like, from work at all,

but it's just that thing of like...

I don't have any friends outside of work
anymore, so...

What were you guys
talking about though?

I'm talking about these.

Oh, my God. What are those?

I don't know. But they're prescription.

Which means that some doctor gave it
to someone,

which means that
it's good enough for me.

That's some bad logic.

No. You know, 'cause I'm a mom.

I try not to get high on any drugs.

You know? Except Zoloft.

- Hey.
- Hey! Someone cleans up nice.

Oh...

Yeah, I... I'm wearing
the same clothes, from earlier.

Oh, yeah. I was just making a party joke.

I didn't want to go all the way home

and then come back,
so I just sat in my car and worked.

Oh, also I was waiting for
my phone to charge.

Oh. So you're all charged up!

What?

I said you're all charged up.

Yeah, my phone.

Hey, the music is really loud.

Do you want to go somewhere and talk?

- Uh, yeah.
- Okay.

- Dude, check it out.
- What?

Jenna in Shipping just bought
To Kill a Mockingbird.

Maybe we can talk to her about
whatever the hell that is.

- Yeah.
- Dude, did you hack her email?

Yeah. I kind of hacked everyone's.

Fucking awesome, man.

That's my boy. Nice, nice. Hey, hey.
What about Nikki?

Yeah. Nikki, Nikki. Okay, bam. Nikki.

- French bulldog got murdered...
- Nice.

- Her brother is in rehab.
- That's fantastic.

And she loves The Big Bang Theory.

All right. Big Bang, bulldog, rehab.
Got it.

Watch and learn, little man.
Here comes Dr. Orgasm.

Hey. How are you? I heard...

Shit.

Definitely should have opened with
The Big Bang Theory.

- Butler.
- It is... That's Jimmy Butler.

- He plays for the Bulls.
- This is Zenotek.

Oh, shit!

That's Jimmy Butler right there!

Who's Jimmy Butler?

Two-time All-Star.
Best player on my fantasy team.

Fuck you, Butler!

I don't know why I said that. Oh, fuck.

These are great. You know what?

Why don't you, uh, give me
your number and I'll text these to you.

Excuse me. Hey. Hi.

- Jimmy, hey, this is Josh.
- Hey. How you doing?

So you the big man around here, huh?

I'm not that big, no.
I'm feeling small right now.

Look at this. Good for you.

Here's the big man!

Jimmy Buckets. Clay Vanstone.

Thanks for coming
to our Christmas party, man.

Of course. I've been trying to
expand the Jimmy Butler empire

into the tech space.

I'm thinking Jimmy Butler dating app.

- Maybe Butlerbook?
- I like it.

- Jimmyface?
- These are all good ideas.

Do you want to see
the first processor that we ever made?

It's as big as a mini-fridge
and it used to set fires.

It's upstairs with the good tequila.

- Of course.
- Casamigos.

I'll save some for you.

Geek yourself out!
He's really into technology.

Will you remind me,
how do you know Jimmy Butler again?

Remember, I told you
my friend does PR for the Bulls?

- Yes! Yeah.
- Right.

I thought that bringing
a famous basketball player

would help with Walter.

- Ah.
- You're cool with that, right?

Why wouldn't I be cool?
It's the greatest idea in the world.

Of course I'm cool.

- Very cool. Please.
- Okay.

Yeah. Mr. Cool. I graduated valedictorian

from Cool University!

Good old CU.

Mmm-hmm.

Okay.

"CU" later!

Oh, Josh.

Savannah?

I think you mean Becca, right?

Uh...

I'm gonna be honest,
I've never done this before.

Although my mom and I have watched
Pretty Woman, like, a million times.

Oh, I love that movie!
It's why I'm doing this.

- Oh, wow.
- Yeah.

It feels kind of dirty.

You feel dirty?

You're my third client tonight.
It's only 9:00 p.m.

Oh, really?

So, um, you just have to pay
my manager, and then we're, like, good.

Oh, yeah, um...

Got it right here.

Hi. Nate.

- Nate?
- Yeah.

Hi, I'm Trina.

I don't do handshakes,
I do hugs. Get in here. Yeah.

Oh, my gosh, you guys are gonna have

so much fun tonight. I can feel it.

- You're already a couple.
- Hope so.

Already.

- Is this for me?
- Um, yes, ma'am.

Oh, my gosh. Look at him.
Prepared. I love that.

I'm not even gonna count it.

- You know why?
- Mmm-mmm.

- 'Cause we're friends, right?
- Yeah.

Yeah,
we're not fucking friends.

Oh, my God.

So if you're thinking of fucking with me,

or with my girl, don't.

Because I'm hella
stressed out right now.

This week has been
a scheduling nightmare!

My iCal crashed,

and now all my appointments
are set in 2019.

And in Hebrew.

It's a flawed program.
I've been saying this for years.

- Shut up.
- Shit.

My point is,

if one more person
pisses me off... One more...

I don't know what's gonna happen.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

We're clear?

Okay, so now, um, just have a good time.

If you use handcuffs,
have a spare key, okay?

Jesus, we do not want to go
through Thanksgiving again.

Um, hey, if you need me
in the next hour, I'll be at Whole Foods.

Okay.

Alexei, open my fucking door!

Come on. Let's go
meet your friends. Yeah?

I can close it myself!

I'm a woman in 2016. Jesus.

Yeah! Zenotek! We up in this bitch.

Hey, play some Huey Lewis.

The solo stuff.

I'm not playing Huey Lewis.
Man, look, this party is dying.

That's why you play Huey Lewis.

- It's not...
- The solo stuff.

They're going to sleep. Huey Lewis!
The solo stuff!

Giving presents.

Okay, Clay, incoming.
I just got a text from Carla.

Walter's on his way up. This is it.

Okay, okay. So we need an employee
to sit on my lap right when he comes up.

A cheerful one. Definitely not Jeremy.

Uh, sure, great plan.

Great. Good, good.
Here. You try and get this on, Triffany.

Okay, so you're clear
on our backstory, right?

We met in New York, you had a seizure,
you fell onto the train tracks,

I jumped on top of you,
then I pressed my body onto yours

so that the train passed over us.

Yeah, okay.

Ma'am, we're not zoned for livestock.

Please put the horse in
Conference Room C and lock the door.

Oh, I love your dress.

Thank you. I... I knitted it myself.

It was a sweater vest that just
didn't know when to quit.

Mary, this is my girlfriend.

Okay. Well, have a good time

and maybe the skirt and the shirt
can meet each other.

Okay.

Oh, my God, you look great.

Hey, Walter!

- Welcome to Zenotek.
- How are you?

I'm so glad you came.

Good to see you. Can I take your coat?

- No, no, I'm good, actually.
- You sure? Okay.

All right. Walt, what would you
like to get started with, huh?

You know, we got a photo booth.

It's like getting
your picture taken in a tiny house.

We love it.

Oh, uh, Jimmy Butler is here!

- Jimmy Butler from the Bulls is here.
- What? Come on! Where is he?

Do you want to take
a selfie with him? Everyone's doin' it.

You know, I'm a Cavs fan, actually.

- Oh.
- There's a good team.

- This was a mistake.
- Hang on. Hang on.

No, no, no. Come on.

Now, a mistake would be
to miss the salmon station.

Do you like salmon?

You want to swim upstream with me
and go try some salmon?

What does that even mean?

You know what?
Let's start with a drink. Come on.

Yeah. Are you thirsty?
Clay, you want a drink with Walter?

One vibrator, please.

Okay. Here you go.

- It's really a body massager.
- No, it's a vibrator.

Hey, Josh!

Oh, hey, Jeremy. This is Jeremy,

our customer service manager.

Hi, nice to meet you.
Mary just fucking cited me!

Okay? I thought this was a party.

If I want to dick tap Alan,
I'm gonna dick tap Alan.

That's a timeless gag!

- Never not funny!
- Okay, off you go.

She is like a poisonous
fucking cloud of shit gas,

like, just seeping into
everybody's good time.

Every word she says
makes my fucking hemorrhoids throb!

I want that on the record.

It is.

He's in customer service?

Yeah, he's much better on the phone.

That's really
where he shines. Here we go.

Hey, can we get a scotch?
Um, Macallan, right?

Uh, no, dude. It's the eggnog luge. Sorry.

Oh. Just the eggnog.
Okay. Great. Well...

Uh, looks like fun. Ladies first.

Josh, I insist. After you.

Well, I'm not much on eggnog.

Don't listen to this guy. He's Mr. Fun.

He'll do anything for the party.
So, come on!

Hey, everybody!
Josh is gonna do the luge!

No, no. I don't think so. It's not for me.

Josh! Josh! Josh! Josh!

It looks like they want you to do it.

Should I do it? I'll do it.

I'll do it, I'll do it. Okay, let's do it.

This the luge right here? Here we go.

Here we go... Oh, boy.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, God.

Whoo! Okay, Walter, your turn.

Where'd Walter go?

I totally got you deep throating him.

Oh, well, look at that. That's beautiful.

Where'd Walter go, huh?
Clay, did you see Walter?

I don't know about
that whole throne thing.

I mean, nobody liked the gifts,

everybody was complaining
and the lap-sitting got weird.

Oh, no.

What's happening?

Well, it's just not working.

If you took away everybody's
drinks and turned up the lights,

it just looks like
we're at work. You know what I mean?

We need to get amped up.

We need to get them interacting.

You guys should do
what you did at the party last year.

No. Not doing that. Come on.

No, that was lame.

No, no,
it was fucking awesome! People loved it!

It wasn't. And they didn't.

Do it for the company. All right?

I'm gonna go give Walter
party mouth-to-mouth.

Is he crying?

I wanted to give you this pamphlet

which has a lot of good information

about the signs
and symptoms of sadness.

When I'm sad,

I like to remember something
my grandma used to sing.

It's about ducklings.

Mary, you wore a blue coat, right?

- No, I wore my beige poof.
- Oh, that's it.

It's probably not a big deal,

but I saw Meghan rifling
through all the pockets.

No, no, no, no.
My Bath & Body Works coupons!

Walter. Clay Vanstone, remember?

- Hey.
- How are you?

- I want to show you Zenotek.
- Ah. Yes.

You're a very expressive dancer.

Oh, thanks. Let me know if you want me

to dance, like,
sexy or something, you know?

- Yeah. No, we're good.
- Okay.

What the fuck?

Uh, hey, there's actually some guys
I want you to meet.

Okay, great.

Let's just work out
the money thing first, though, yeah?

Uh, I already gave Trina $200.

Oh, yeah, that's just for the first hour.

If you want me for the rest of the night,
it's gonna be another $2,000.

- Two grand? No. No way.
- Yeah.

The website clearly
said it was $200 for the whole night.

Do I look like I'm $200 a night?

Okay, fine. I'll go to an ATM, okay?

- Okay. Give me your watch as collateral.
- It's my grandmother's.

I don't care.

Shit.

Holy shit.

That was just
how daddy likes it.

Check it out.

You're a fireman.

Must be really nice
to have a daycare center at work.

Yeah, yeah.
Clay set this up when I was pregnant.

I think he just wanted
an excuse to have Play-Doh in the office.

- Shall we?
- Oh.

- You are such a good mom.
- Aw.

Thanks.

I, uh, bet you'd make me
finish all my homework

before I could go outside and play.

Yeah, especially
if you were being naughty.

Do I need to be punished?

Well, I guess that depends
on your homework.

I bet you'd make me

brush my teeth
so I don't get any cavities.

Oh, we're still doing this.
Okay.

I've been a bad boy, Mommy.

Okay, um, do you have
some kind of weird fetish?

What? No!

No, I'm so sorry,
I didn't mean to give you

- that impression. I just got carried away.
- Oh.

I just really like you.

Yeah. I really like you, too.

Something's happening in my diaper.

- Okay. Fuck this. I got to go.
- Huh?

- This is my nightmare.
- What?

- So, yes, I'm in hell.
- No...

- So I'm gonna go.
- Mommy!

I mean, Allison. Don't leave.

Save that shit for the fourth date
like a normal person!

Sorry.

All right, Nate,
this is what you've been saving for.

Who designed this?

Come on!

Shit! Fuck me!

Shit.

Yes.

I'm okay! Merry Christmas!

Okay. You ready?

Okay, you look ridiculous.

Is it the hat?

Hey. Merry Christmas, everybody!

Who's happy about the holidays?

Okay. Okay.

Hey, so, um, you dickheads
want to buy some cocaine?

Yeah! We'll do that.

One cocaine. Want to do it with us?

Yeah! Yeah!

I believe in taking risks, Walter.

Zenotek, my company,
believes in taking risks.

You know what we should do tonight?

We should do something that scares us.

Makes us feel alive!

Do you think you could

swing across the dance floor
with those lights?

What's that?

Like, if you grabbed every single strand,

do you think that you could swing

and then time it just right
and grab all of those strands,

then, like Tarzan,
make it all the way to my office?

Merry fucking Christmas.

You know what?

This has been really great,
and I thank you, but,

it's time to hit the road.

Oh. Um, you can't leave yet,
'cause we're just getting started!

Hey! You got snow machined.
That's meant to be lucky.

It tastes bitter.

It's just paper products.
Let's get you cleaned up.

Great, great.
So I guess we'll just take two

and call you in the morning, then?

- Is that, uh...
- Yeah, don't call me.

You on Snapchat?

We'll be up here
if you want to come back up here.

- I need some air.
- Yeah?

Oh, also I have your Secret Santa.

Oh. Okay.

What are you doing?

Pissing off Mary.

OpenBar.

How do you spell "Hanukkah"?

Wait, who are you sending that to?

You know, everyone in Chicago.

- You've never been up here?
- No.

This is where I am
during the sexual harassment seminars.

Wow.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Oh, it's colder up here for sure.

And it's, uh...

Oh, man, it's higher.

That's...

Maybe let's go... Let's go lower.

And warmer. Come on.

- Uh-oh.
- No. No, it never locks.

Wait, no. It never locks!

I bet you're also
never up here at night, right?

No.

It's all right, I came prepared.

So did I.

Your Secret Santa.

That's a lot better than

where I'm keeping mine.

Excuse me. Mr. Vanstone?

- Have you seen this?
- Hi. I'm Rodney.

We haven't met yet. I'm an intern here.

I just wanted to say Merry Christmas.

Yes, you can have a job.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah, party hire.

Junior associate. Congrats.

Oh, my God. Mr. Vanstone, thank you!

- Thank you.
- Thank you so much.

- Oh, my God. Yes?
- Hey, Rodney!

We're gonna get you a new name.

Done! I'll call my parents.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Hey. You okay?

I was down. I was having a bad day.

But now I'm lifting.
I'm seeing things. My mind.

The ideas are flying through my mind!

- I'm feeling strong.
- Okay, good.

- High five. Ha!
- Sure.

Ha-ha!

You can't keep Walter Davis
down forever, baby!

- Let's go get fucked up.
- Okay, but not too much.

When I drink a lot, bad things happen.

You know,
my sister's horse goes missing.

My car is covered
in horse hair and blood.

Fingers get pointed.

Smoke PCP as a favor.
Beach burns down.

That ain't never been my problem.

Come on! Let's go get a drink! Yeah!

Oh, shit!

We're expecting
blizzard conditions for 12 to 24 hours...

Just get me on a plane.

Get me on any god damn
plane, all right?

I have enough miles to orbit the sun.

I'm sorry, ma'am. All flights are grounded

until the snow clears.

There's nothing more I can do.

Well, refer me to someone
who can do something.

That would be God, ma'am.

Oh, Her.

Have a great holiday.

Shit.

Did you eat my Cinnabon?

No.

Where's your mother?

Bathroom.

- What's your name, sweetie?
- Darcy.

Oh.

Hi, Santa.

Yes, Carol Vanstone.
I'm here with Darcy.

I know. Terrible name.

And she's being a little shit here
in the first class lounge.

So I think we should cancel
all of her Christmas presents this year.

Yeah. And while she's asleep,
why don't you take that doll, too.

Great. Bye.

May I have
your attention, please.

Due to inclement weather,
all flights have been canceled.

Shit!

Fuck you!

Zenotek,
you having a good time now?

You ready to kick this up a notch, huh?

Yeah!

Hit me with the horns, Calvis!

Old school.

Make some noise!

Yeah!

Here we go now!

Is this not
the best fucking party y'all been to?

Come on, now!

Here we go now! Here we go now!

Here we go, here we go!
Let me clear my throat

Yeah, get on up here.

Give it up for Walter! My main man!

God damn!

Get on up here, Mary!

Give me the mike.
No, no, no. Give me the mike.

Give it up for Mary!

Mary, everybody, yeah!

You got to stop.

When I say H, you say R

- H! H!
- R! R!

When I say H, you say R

- H! H!
- R! R!

And when she says H, you say R

- H! H!
- R! R!

Yeah!

If y'all want to party like we do

If y'all want to party like us

Let me hear you say...
"Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!"

If y'all want to party like we do

If y'all want to party like us

Let me hear you say...
"Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!"

Okay, that's part of it. Yeah!

She's what makes this company great,

just like every motherfucker in here!

When I say freeze, y'all freeze one time

Freeze!

Whoo!

Now let me clear my throat

Special dedication
going out to all the ladies

And all the brothers in here!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

This is fun, right?

This has turned
from charming into life-threatening.

I cannot believe
that they are still not responding.

At least my death will give my parents

something to talk about
at the meal I'm gonna miss.

- Going to your parents' place?
- Every year.

This is where not having any family
actually pays off.

I get the whole city to myself.

It's like some kind of
awesome plague came in

and spared only me
and the Chinese restaurants.

This is useless.

You gonna be solo, huh?

There's not gonna be
a stocking on your mantel

for Jimmy Butler at your place?

- What are you doing?
- Nothing?

Just asking. You know?

You could have dated me, Josh.

But you freaked out and ran away.

I still had PTSD
from my marriage just ending, so...

You'd been separated for a year.

- I fucked up.
- Yeah.

Because you're an idiot.

I'm sorry.

I have been feeling shitty about it.

We should've done this a long time ago.

- Yeah.
- Right?

- Hey, Jeremy.
- Huh?

- Hey!
- Hey, man.

What's up, guys?

Wow. Good thing I wasn't
going number two, huh?

Yeah. Leave you to it.

- This is my territory!
- Got it. That's clear.

They can't shut us down!

We're never gonna get shut down!

When I say Zeno, you say Tek

- Zeno! Zeno!
- Tek! Tek!

When I say Zeno, you say Tek

- Zeno! Zeno!
- Tek! Tek!

When I say Zeno, you say Tek

It's a Christmas miracle.

When I say Zeno, you say Tek

- Zeno! Zeno!
- Tek! Tek!

When I say Zeno, you say Tek

- Zeno! Zeno!
- Tek! Tek!

I love this party!

I love this company!

And I want to work with you people!

What did he just say?
Did Clay just close Walter?

Huh, he really is Santa Claus.

Yeah!

So, Carol.

You know,
that's my grandmother's name.

Mmm.

- No, I did not know that.
- Yeah.

Oh.

It's kind of an old-timey name.

Don't really hear Carol much anymore.

It's like, "Hi, I'm Carol.

"I gotta get home
before I miss my stories."

"Hi, I'm Carol.

"I heard about Pearl Harbor
on the radio."

"Hi, I'm Carol. I died
in the beginning of Up."

That movie?

Sorry, I'm just nervous.

My first night on the job.
On the ol' J-O-B.

- It's your first night?
- Yeah.

- Driving?
- First night driving the ol' Ubes.

It's a pretty sweet gig, though.
Make my own hours.

You know, I could hook you up
if you want to be an Uber driver.

I'm good. I already have a job.
Thank you very much.

Yeah, but you could be
CEO of your own car!

I am a CEO.

Of Uber?

Oh, my God. Is this Undercover Boss?

Is that a camera?

Am I on... Are you wearing a disguise?

No. This is not Undercover Boss.

I am not the CEO of Uber.

I am the CEO of Zenotek.
Please just drive.

No shit.
I just dropped off, like,

four people there at that party tonight.

I'm sorry?

They gave me three stars
like a bunch of bitches.

Excuse me. What did you just say?

- I said they were bitches.
- No, no. What party?

The party at your office.
Everybody's like, "Oooh."

- You son of a bitch, Clay.
- Yeah, bunch of bitches!

Can you just...

Can you move? Move!

The English band, the Optic Monkeys?

You were supposed
to see them with your friend Lindsey,

you were like, "I can't go,"
because you couldn't get a babysitter?

Did you hack into my emails?

Get the fuck out of here.

And never use that British accent again.

Allison, are you okay?

No! I'm not okay.

My ex-husband is dating a stripper,

Drew is cyberstalking me,

and Fred from accounting
is like a human fucking AMBER Alert.

Don't I deserve to date
someone who is nice?

Of course you do.

Allison, you're an amazing person.

You basically take care
of this whole office.

And you do it every day,

even though most people

don't seem to notice.

So, yeah, you deserve someone nice.

Baby, I got your text.

Ooh, I missed you.

Come on, let's dance.

Just hang in there.

Go, Rodney! Go, Rodney!

Nate!

Hey, man. Larry from shipping here
actually has a really great story

that he wants to tell you.

- I was in the bathroom washing my face.
- Yeah.

And this girl came in, like,

- "I'll give you a handy for $40."
- Right?

And the next thing I knew,

my penis was in her hand
and then she starts...

Okay, Larry,
I know how a hand job works.

I had no idea you guys were together.

Wait, what are you talking about?

So Becca
gave Larry a hand job in the men's room.

God damn it!

- Ooh, ooh! I'm going next.
- Hey, girl!

I'm inspired! I'm going next.

- No, I called it. I called it.
- No, no, wait.

- I'm so happy for you!
- Oh, shit.

I was about to do my balls!

Hey! What about the 3D printer?

- Yes. Yes!
- Yeah?

I'm going first, I'm going first!

Excuse me. Excuse me!

Excuse me.

Raise your hands
if you're keeping your jobs!

Raise your hands
if you're gonna get a bonus!

Excuse me.

Clay?

Clay!

Oh, fuck.

Hey, sis.

Hey, hey, hey.

Carol, before you get mad,
listen to what I did.

I said no party!

That's all I said.
All you had to do was nothing,

and you couldn't even do that!
Couldn't even do that!

Carol, Carol, Carol!

This is not what you think, okay?

This is all for a reason.

- Please!
- No, no, no.

Listen. We threw this party
for Walter Davis,

and we closed him,
he wants to give us his business.

- We did it.
- See?

I'm not a failure.
I'm a good boss. The party worked!

- Walter Davis?
- Yeah.

- Is at this party?
- That's right.

Where is he?

I don't know. Where was he?
He was just on the stage.

Oh... Guys? Guys!

That's not good.

Here we go!

Do it! Do it! Do it!

No, no, no. Shh!

- What are you doing?
- Hey, that was my idea.

- Not relevant.
- Walter? Hey, buddy!

Why don't you come down
using the stairs?

No. Clay, it's like you said!

I want to do something that scares me.

To feel alive!

Maybe not right now.

What did you guys do to him?

Let go of those lines, buddy!

I'm the king of IT buyers!

Whoo!

- Oh!
- Shit!

Oh!

Oh, God.

So close.

Hey, Walter.
You were like an eagle up there.

You were free. You did it.

Did we win?

Yeah, we won.

Zenotek! Zenotek!

That poor guy. What a day he's had.

First he gets fired and now this.

- Wait, what?
- Did you say fired?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, he got fired
at the close of business today.

He told me, like, two hours ago.

They shipped
his whole branch overseas.

What?

I confirmed it with
my HR Facebook group.

And they know everything.

Excuse me. Just to clarify,
because I'm detail-oriented.

So you didn't
get a contract with Walter Davis

because he didn't have
a contract to give.

Carol, before you get mad,
here's the thing...

He wanted to work with us.

- So...
- Clay. Clay!

Yeah?

I'm not mad.

You're not?

I mean, I was mad
when Dad gave you this branch

just as a reward for taking six years
to graduate with a degree in...

What is it?

Canadian television theory
with concentration in Drake.

But this doesn't make me mad.

- I feel relieved.
- All right.

Because it's over.

- I'm shutting you down.
- Yeah, no, because it's late.

Allison got a clean-up crew

- for tomorrow.
- Uh-huh.

No, Clay. I'm terminating this branch.

I'm such a dickhead.
I started to like this place,

and then I get fucked. I get fucked!

No, no, no. Stop it, stop it.
Carol, let's take one beat.

Look, look, Carol. Carol.

I fucked up, okay, so blame me.

But these are good people.

You can't close this branch.
This is Dad's branch.

Well, you know what? He shouldn't have

given it to you to fuck up.

Oh, and, uh, good luck
trying to be Mr. Fun Guy

when you have to fire all these people.

I'll see you in New York.

Wait, what?

Did your little friend not tell you?

He's coming to work for me.

Yeah, right.

I never said yes to that job.

I don't recall you ever saying no.

Clay.

Clay, I never... Hey.

Clay.

Oh, hey, Clay...
You told me you had a two-drink limit.

Yeah. You're right.

Now, y'all didn't forget about DJ Calvis!

Whoo!

I want to go back to the party!

Hey! What the hell?

I hired you to pretend to be my girlfriend,

then you go and give
all my co-workers hand jobs?

You hired me to impress
your co-workers,

and he was pretty impressed.

- Listen, I want my money back.
- Well...

I'm sorry, what was that?

I couldn't hear you over my gun.

I, um... I want my money back.

Oh. I'm sorry. Customer services
are not available right now,

but perhaps I can
address your grievance.

Um, everything's fine.

Would you say like a five on Yelp,

or like positive three?

- Five.
- Five? Alexei!

Uh...

This is so funny.

Do that thing where
you pull his asshole through his face.

Don't please. Shit!

Santa's gonna get fucked up tonight!

Who wants to party with Santa?

- Who the fuck is that?
- You know what, that guy is really rich.

And he's really stupid.

Well, then what are we doing
with Spelling Bee here?

Get outta here. Go!

Hey, Santa! Wanna party?

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, no, no. This is not... That's not me.

That's not me. This is the machine.

The machine's...
The machine's broken.

It must've run out of ink. Or...

Tracey. Tracey. Hey. Excuse me.

Josh!

- Hey, guys. How's it going?
- You saved our marriage.

Tracey.

- It was really shitty before.
- Okay. You're a father, all right?

Tracey?

Tracey, are you in here?

Oh, pardon me.

Hello?

Oh.

Josh, it's happening.

Good for you.

Hey, Tracey, which one are you in?

Hi. Carol offered me a job,
but in no way did I say...

Josh. I get it.

She offered me a job, too.

- What? She offered you a job?
- Yeah.

Triple the salary.
An apartment overlooking Central Park.

I got double and moving costs.

The real
difference is I said no.

Listen, I'm not fighting
with you about this.

It's silly. I didn't take the job.

Yeah. But you didn't not take it, either.

Because you need a safety net.
Hey, that's who you are.

I'm happy for you.
You should go to New York.

Is that what you want?
You want me to go to New York?

There's a real Human Centipede
situation happening in the men's room.

Tracey, please. Don't go. I...

Lamb shawarma? Yes, please.
Spit roast!

- Can I get a drink? Can I please...
- Josh.

Josh, where's Clay?

Asswipe loses everybody
their jobs and runs.

How much did he spend on this party?

He could have just given
that money to us.

Clay sucks.

We should just kill him,
like on that podcast.

- Hey! Hey...
- Put the Red Bull down.

Respectfully, fuck you guys!

Sorry, that was too much, but...

Clay cares more about people
than anyone I've ever met.

He was gonna pay your bonuses tonight

with the last of his money.

What?

Yeah, he's broke. Clay is broke.

Who do you think paid
for that bouncy house in accounting?

Training that dog to deliver the mail?

The zip-line? Doughnut Fridays?

It was all Clay!

He spent all of his money
trying to keep this branch afloat.

And whenever I would question
him about it, he would say,

"Treat your employees
like they're your family

"and they'll do great things for you."

You guys, Clay just left
to get drugs with Becca and her pimp.

Wait... Who's Becca?

- Nate's whore.
- Hey, that's his girlfriend!

Nope, she's right.

Becca's a prostitute.

Oh, nice.

Oh. Nope.

Clay left to go get drugs with a pimp?

Yes. She has a gun and
a serious mood imbalance.

- Fuck. Carol!
- Yes.

We have a problem.

Yeah, you have
lots of problems. Good luck.

Carol, excuse me.

Carol! Listen.

Clay has gone to get wasted
with a psychopath,

and he's got $300,000
strapped to his chest.

Ooh, that really does sound
like a big problem...

For Clay.

You already lost your dad.

If you lose Clay, you'll have no one.

Trust me,
that's not a place you want to be.

- I don't care.
- What?

- Oh, boy. This woman...
- What is wrong with her?

Really?

Guys! I don't know what to do.

Clay's not picking up his phone.

I think I can locate him.

This is so amazing to meet guys

we can actually connect with, you know.

Yeah. Yeah. There we go.

- Amazing.
- Absolutely.

They're full of shit, okay?
They're not your soulmates.

They just hacked your Facebook.

- That's horseshit!
- Unbelievable. So uncool.

- Hey, wait!
- No, no, no, girls!

I knew you didn't like
the Gilmore Girls.

Okay, I'm gonna need
both of you assclowns

to hack into Clay's phone
so we can find him.

Come on,
why would we help you, dude, seriously?

Yeah, why would we help you?

Because I'm your fucking boss,
and I'm telling you to.

- He can't touch him!
- I'll allow it.

Ooh, there's a car on fire.
Did the Bears win?

What are you looking at?

Excuse me. Excuse me. Oh, Jesus.

Hey, if everybody's fired,

let's burn this place to the ground, baby!

Hey! Hey, what department are you in?

I don't work here.

Let's do this, baby! Who's with me?

Excuse me.

Fuck.

If I tell y'all one more time to back up,
it's gonna be a problem.

I'm not playing with y'all!

Carla! Carla! I need you to go
upstairs and lock this shit down.

We gotta go help Clay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, fuck that!

The security guard
was the first one to go in Die Hard.

Carla, this is the one
you knew would come.

Be our John McClane.

I'm on it.

Hey.

In case it gets dark.

Who wants to get Tased?

Okay, where's your car?

I took a cab.
I thought we were gonna take your car.

No, I took the El.

Let's go get our Santa.

- Great!
- Oh.

Come on! No, don't. It's a lift and pull.

You're jerking it!
Jesus Christ, let me do it.

I'm pulling out.

All right. Yeah, it's... It's locked.

Thanks.

Get in. Come on.

What'd you get all over your seats?

Oh, no, it's from the parrots.

Relax, it's not poop. It's some...

It's genital secretions.
It's mating season.

- Oh.
- Should be dry.

Okay. Nate says
Clay's on the South Side.

He is not gonna fuck this up for me.

The board will vote me CEO.

That is happening.
So let's just do this, okay?

- Can this thing handle snow?
- Oh, please. It's a Kia.

It's what God would drive.

Oh!

Guys, you know,
the thing is, I told everybody

they were gonna be okay,
but then they weren't.

And so, I broke
a Christmas promise, which...

Is basically the worst thing you can do.

What? What is this?

"Ten red carpet moments that prove
Jennifer Lawrence is a real sweetheart."

Why?

Why in this moment is this important?

Go, go. Go.

- It's from Vataly.
- What is this for?

You can't just walk up
and give me money

and I don't have a sense of
what it's from.

I can't do it.

I mean, it is so stressful being the boss.

Nobody ever talks about that.

No. No, not at all.

And if you want to complain about it,

everybody's like,
"Oh, boo-hoo you, rich Santa."

Yeah, no one gives a shit!

I can't call people up
and be like, "I'm having a bad pimp day."

See, you understand.

I get clients calling me 24/7.
Middle of the night, 3:00 a.m.

Brring, brring, brring!

"Hey, I need anal, like yesterday."

Yeah, the same with me!

Except instead of anal, it's data storage.

Or, "I'm, like, chairing a PTA meeting.

"Can you have
someone blow me in the gymnasium?"

Yeah, absolutely. It never ends.

Or, like, "Hey, your girl
just stabbed me in the leg

"and now I'm bleeding out
in the alleyway."

I don't relate to that as much.

It's mental, right?
How much people lean on you?

And my sister wanted me to be a failure,

and I was, so she's not gonna let that go.

That's the problem of
working with family, though.

- Yeah.
- You can never escape them.

You can never escape them.

But you know what,
you're gonna be fine, man.

You know why?

'Cause you've got all that money, honey.

Yeah, that's the thing. I don't, actually.

I spent it all trying
to keep the branch open.

All I have left is $300,000 cash.

You have 300 grand.

Oh, my gosh.
Whenever I'm that low in my account,

I'm just like, "Kill me."

Uh, so where is the money?

It's on my person. It's safe.

It's in your personal safe?

Okay, we're close.
No, no, this is it! This is...

There's a spot! Right there.
You passed it!

Careful. Easy.

That's how you park a minivan.

- Jeez!
- Very impressive.

Okay, hey, Nate,
are you sure about this address here?

Yes. 92765 Union Street.

That's where the pin is.
Uh, Red Square Club.

Brian, I can see you fucking on my desk!

Uh...

- I'll go see what's going on.
- Okay.

This is it.

Oh, my God.

Well, maybe he deserved it.
Who knows?

Here we go, guys. Come on.

Quickly? Because I don't know
what's gonna happen in there.

Last year I filed a sexual
harassment complaint against myself.

- Against yourself.
- Mmm-hmm.

Andrew, in the copy room,
he was changing the toner.

And I pretended to drop
something on the ground

so that I could bend over

and graze his butt with my nose.

And I did.

- That doesn't seem that bad.
- And then I said,

"If you don't fuck me,
buster, I will ruin you."

Hmm. That's harassment.

That's why he quit.

You seem like you feel better.
Here we go.

Wait! No, guys,

we can't go in there looking like this.

Hey, Carol?

Why don't you give me your coat?

- How we doing tonight?
- Private party. Members only.

Well, I'm a businessman.

These are my business
ladies of the night.

You hear what I'm saying to you?

They only come out at night.

- Okay. Okay.
- Mostly for parties.

It's a beautiful language.

Nice, Carol.

Seems like an appropriate setting

for an emotional rock bottom.

Oh, there's a back room.

Hi. How you doing?

Have you seen a guy in a Santa suit?

Fuck you. I don't tell you anything.

- All right, now listen here.
- Nuh-uh-uh.

Hi. Me again. Where's Santa?

Fuck you.

You do not want to die
at the hands of Lululemon here.

It'd be real embarrassing for you.
You're a large guy,

and she's made of nothing
but salad and Smartwater.

Nope, no tap outs.

Back door? Thank you.

- Bitch.
- What?

Was that too much?

- Just a little.
- I loved it.

Let's go.

- Hey!
- Oh, God.

Oh. Go. I got this. Go, go.

Okay. Enjoy.

Come on, let's party.

Vin Diesel ain't got shit on me!

Clay!

Wait, what did he say?

I think I know where they're going.

Let's get the car. Come on!

Let's go!

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Hey, Mary? Mary, get in the car!

Damn it.

God rest ye merry gentlemen

Let nothing you dismay

Remember Christ the Savior

Was born on Christmas Day

To save us all from Satan's power

When we were gone astray

Tidings of comfort and joy

Comfort and joy

Oh, tidings of comfort

Comfort and joy!

- Oh, God.
- Yeah, I fucked up. I did.

I lost a lot of people's jobs.

I hurt a lot of good people tonight.

Oh, yeah, totally. Cool story.

Are we coming up
to your apartment building

on the left, or the right, or...

We're not going to my apartment.

Uh, yes, we are.

We are going
to your apartment to go to the safe.

There's nothing safe
about what we're gonna do.

- What?
- Yeah, it's like you said, you know.

We need to escape them,
so that's what we're gonna do.

- Red light.
- What the fuck

are you talking about?
There's a red light!

That's a red light!

Oh, yeah!

We go right through 'em.
They're just suggestions.

- Can you look at that fuck?
- Oh, this fucking windshield.

Are you kidding? Not now!

That's the AC, Josh.
We don't need that right now.

What about that?

Oh. No, that's the recirculating mode.

How am I gonna run Zenotek
without this Genius Bar?

Carol, you can get up here
and help if you'd like.

Okay, my seat's getting hotter.

Mary, why do you even have
a minivan? You don't have kids.

I buy in bulk!

- Oh! It's them!
- Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, good eyes.

Oh, God! What's that smell?

I'm gonna be honest with you, I have
been farting this entire time.

Oh, my gosh.

Okay, you know what,
take me to your personal safe right now.

We don't need money
where we're going.

- Where are we going?
- For glory.

The Clark Street Bridge.

This time of night it'll be up.

We're gonna jump the bridge
and never look back.

Okay, new game. Pull over.
Just pull over or I'll tuck and roll.

- No, no, no. Trina, Trina.
- Just slow down.

Trina, I've been thinking
about this for a while.

We can make this jump.

I let a lot of people down,
but I'm not gonna let you guys down.

We're gonna
escape our families and become anew!

Pull over right now.

Or I shoot you in the fucking brain.

Well, you can't shoot him,
because then he's gonna crash the car.

Really, Savannah? Really?

Why don't you put it in an email
and CC everyone, all right?

Make double sure everyone got it.

You know what, you should
start a podcast, Savannah,

called "Savannah Says
Fucking Stupid Things Out Loud."

- Clay!
- Clay! Hey, listen, I'm sorry!

I was never gonna take that job.

Not good enough!

Do not jump that bridge.

I have to do this.
Carol's right, I'm a fuckup!

Shit!

Pull over, you fucking idiot!

Or, the nice supportive version?

Pull over, fucking idiot!

No.

Hey, tell him to pull over, lady!

Look. Pull over!
Pull over! Pull over! It doesn't work!

- It's not working.
- None of it works!

Hey, Clay,

you jump that bridge, I'm going with you.

What? No!

- Yes, I am.
- No, no, no.

Did you say hit it at 80 or 90, Vin Diesel?

- Put it into sport.
- Here we go.

Josh, I'm sorry that I said you were safe.

- You don't have to do this.
- Yes, I do.

Josh, what are you doing, man?

You go, we all go!

Fuck.

I love America!

I am not gonna die in a minivan.

Hey, hey, hey! Get off the wheel!

We could've made
that bridge, pantyhose.

Where's Clay?

It was on your person.

What did we hit?

The collision severed
the primary fiber line,

as well as its backup,

paralyzing Internet, DSL,
and cellular communications citywide.

So if you haven't ordered
your holiday gifts early,

you may not be able to order them at all.

I quit, by the way!

You quit what?

What, Savannah? What'd you quit?

- Just a couple of normal girls here.
- Move it, move it! Clear!

The Internet's down.

My brother needs a doctor!

Ma'am, you're gonna need
to wait your turn.

Can you find someone
that will help my brother?

All of you, just back up!

Back up.
Make a single file line against that wall

and she will be with you
when she has a fucking minute!

You know, you trying to
jump that bridge was really...

Brave? That what you were going for?

No, stupid. I was gonna say stupid.

No, I... I would say brave.

- A little brave.
- Yeah. Hi.

- Hey, how is he?
- Oh. He's fine.

In fact, the doctor said that the crash
actually fixed a previous fracture.

He's got... He's got this gift.

I don't... I don't get it.

- Oh. Thank God he's okay.
- Oh, well...

So, maybe you'll reconsider
firing everyone?

Once it gets out there
that we caused this crash,

the board finds out, my ass is fired.

No one has a job.

- So...
- Carol?

Is now a good time to exchange
insurance information for the car stuff?

It's not. You know,
we would've made it, by the way.

- At the speed you were going?
- Comfortably.

Please. To make that jump,
with that incline,

you would have had to
at least been going...

- 110.
- 95.

No, 95.

- It's simple math.
- Oh, well, okay.

It might be simple on paper,

but you're forgetting the wind,
the weight of the Kia,

the four of us,

bird cages...

I prefer to call them bird condos,
and so do the birds.

Point being,
you have to adjust your numbers

to account for real world conditions.

Simple. Or did they
not teach that to you in hacker college?

You're right.

Thank you.

No, not about that.

Although hacker college
does sound awesome.

It's AnywAir. I've been doing it wrong.

I... I've been treating the power grid

as if it was
a seamless source of Internet.

It's not seamless, it's messy. It...

But if there was an opportunity

where the conditions were just right.

If we were inside of a vacuum.

If it was still.

Oh, my God.

- An Internet blackout.
- An Internet blackout!

Let's get you back to the office.

- Yes!
- Come on.

I'm gonna text you
that claims form, yeah?

- I'm sorry, Mary.
- Go save the company!

Mom?

Dad?

Oh, my...

- Oh. Hey.
- Hey.

Carla!

- Wassup?
- Morning.

I Tased as many as I could, but...

Yeah. Well, I actually thought
it was gonna be worse, so...

Uh-uh!

I see you, bitch! Uh-uh, bitch, I see you!

Your office was locked, right?

Yeah, of course.

- What... What's happening?
- Did you guys find Clay?

- Sorry. Old habit.
- Sure.

Okay. So, what...
You're writing an algorithm

that can respond to the grid in real time?

- That's gonna take...
- Done.

Forever.

Nate! How's that server bank?

Still covered in beer! Five minutes!

I hope it's beer.

Hey.

About what happened...

All good. Everyone has their thing.

I know it seems weird,
but I just crave discipline.

My family had no set meal times.

Yeah, it's cool.
I don't need your origin story.

Promise me you won't tell anyone?

- I'll do your taxes!
- Deal.

Great.

Oh, my God, the office.
Hey, guys, I got doughnuts!

I got jelly and glazed and, uh...

Some other stuff.
But no Cronuts, that's a bastard pastry.

I still hate your rules.

But your dancing is wild and free.

Like an unmanned fire hose.

Put your pants on.

For now.

Now, we can't fix the Internet
if we can't get on the Internet.

Everything is down.

Okay, well, all the phones are working.

What about a dial-up modem?

Great. Now all you need is a RadioShack

and a time machine.

Oh, the G1 had it, right?

There's one in Clay's office.

- Great.
- Hey, Josh.

- Yeah?
- Great news.

Jimmy Butler asked me to DJ
his parties, his after-parties,

and his hungover
next-morning brunches.

Well, that is great news, Joel.

Actually, it's Calvis now. And forever.

Joel is dead.

Get the desk.

Okay, give me the wires.
Plug it in here. Give me that.

Hey, I could use some of
that giddy-up in HR

if you two ponies
are looking for a new stable.

I am looking for a new stable, Mary.

Thank you so much. We'll talk later.

Mary, you're showing a lot of neck.

Breaking your own rules.

It's a little skanky, isn't it?

- Plug it in.
- Plugged in.

Uh, I got this DJ equipment,
if you want to use that for something.

Okay, that's not gonna help,
but thank you.

All right, guys.

What now?

I press "Enter,"
it launches the protocol, and then...

And then everybody
gets back on the Internet.

Hopefully.

Or I blow up the power grid.

So be ready for that.

Okay?

Don't worry about that. Just hit "Enter."

Okay, guys.

Here we go.

Power's still on.

Yeah, I'm honestly shocked by that.

No Internet yet, though.

It could take a few seconds.

If it works, you'll have a connection alert.

- No.
- No, nothing.

Nothing yet.

- No? Anybody?
- No.

No, nothing.

Josh?

No. Just give it
a little more time, all right?

Maybe it wasn't ready.

Tracey, hey.

It's ready.

Still dead.
Waiting for it. Still dead.

- Is that you?
- Got it. Got it!

Oh, my God.

- Yep, I got it.
- Oh, my God!

- Was that you?
- I got it!

Yeah, I got it, too!

I got mine! Yeah.
Yeah, there's mine. Holy shit!

- Tracey!
- You did it!

Work never stops. You see that?

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Hello, yes. I am happy for you,

but I do need you to sign
a personal relationship disclosure form

before this rounds first.

No. No, I don't think so.

Hey, Mary, sign this.

Oh. Oh, you know what?
Um, I really like you,

but maybe we could get,
like, a cup of coffee first, or something?

Yeah! Totally.

That's what I meant by, "Sign this."

- You know what? Forget it.
- Okay.

Glass of wine in a family photo?

Look at him in that suit. What a stud.

He wore that better than you.

Yeah, he did a lot of things
better than me.

You're right to be pissed at me.

You know, I always got
to do whatever I wanted

and you always ended up
with the shit end of the stick.

It wasn't fair.

I'm sorry, sis.

Thank you for that.

You never got to be the fun one, huh?

- I mean, I could have. Right?
- Yeah.

- Sure.
- I have... I have a fun side.

I've seen it many a time.

I mean...

Off the top of my head, I...

Remember that Thanksgiving
that you taught everybody

the real rules of Monopoly?

With the bidding wars
and the strict time limit and...

- Yeah, that wasn't fun.
- I know.

Hi! My pain is at a 9 or a 10 or 11.

Whatever on the chart, the...

That face?

So can I get some Dilaudid

in another one of those
little gelatin cups?

You can't buy those. I looked it up.

Huh. The Internet's back up.

What the hell is a Zenotek?

- What?
- What?

Oh, my God! She did it. She did it!

- Shut the fuck door!
- Oh.

I gotta tell you, I was always like,

"Tracey, this doesn't make any sense,"

and she was like, "Words, words,
words and some numbers."

But she did it.

Oh, my God.

Wait. So, this means everybody
gets to keep their jobs?

- Everybody gets to keep their jobs.
- Yes!

God, I am gonna be CEO.

Because you deserve it.

And you throw a great fucking party.

Yeah. I did, didn't I?

- Oh! Walter.
- Walter.

- Oh, hello.
- Hi.

- Carol.
- Carol, nice to meet you.

There's my eagle. Hey.

I just want to thank you
for the best night of my life!

Yeah? Yeah?

I'll see you on Monday.

Well, it looks like
we just hired Walter Davis.

Well, he'll fit right in.

Wow.

Did you see that?

- What are you doing?
- Winner!

- We weren't even racing.
- Well, you weren't.

Why do you think
they always make you leave a hospital

in a wheelchair?

What are you guys doing here?

Well, we can't
go to breakfast without you.

- Come on, we're celebrating.
- Come on, let's go.

I'm in.

Breakfast is
the most important meal of the morning.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa. We good?

Yeah. We're good.

I'm gonna go back down.

Your ankle is broken, Clay.

- Excuse me. Excuse me.
- Yes.

- Oh.
- You left this in your room.

Oh, I did. Thank you. I'm sorry.

And also this.

Oh, thank you, Doctor. Here.

No.

- You guys wanna get out of here?
- Let's go.

Oh, no. I'm not getting in that.
I ordered us an Uber.

Carol?

I don't mean this
in a creepy way, but get in the van.

Yeah, we got to keep this train rolling.

No.

No! You cannot have alcohol
on your medication.

Uh, fuck that. Drinking is medication.

Doctor, this is a...
This is a work breakfast.

There will be no alcohol at all.

Okay?

Yeah.

I saw that.

Doctor, I assure you. I am in charge.

There will be no more partying.

I'm literally standing right in front of you.

I'm literally right here.

I just don't know
what it is you think that I'm not seeing.

Doctor, I would
never disobey medical advice.

Just go, just go.

It's an office thing. Here we go.

- Merry Christmas.
- Let's go.

Let's roll it into the car.

Okay, Happy Holidays.

Thank you for
your service, Doctor.

Okay.

- Okay.
- You need any help

working your way out of here?

Please, Josh. I was born in a U-Haul.

Hey, Carol!

- Are you Carol?
- What? Uh, no.

Are you sure? You look like a Carol.

Can you not hear me? Carol!

Carol!

Ugh.

Canceled?

Bunch of bitches!

You know red lights
are just suggestions.

Are you smoking
a marijuana cigarette right now?

Yeah! See, we made
it through. Let's do another.

Oh, not again.

Let me do it again.

Let me just do it again. I can do it.

Oh, damn it. All right.

Shit, shit!

If you want to make it in this world,

learn to lie better.

Your mother's never coming back.

Merry Christmas!

Okay, I'm gonna suck my dick.

She's gonna suck it
on this one, guys.

Guys, can we
go back to one for sucking my dick?

I like it 'cause it looks
like he's trying just a little too hard.

The artist?

I hadn't thought about the artist.

Was this not where you had the key

to the city of Margaritaville?

Yeah, I did. I got rid of it.

Canadian cinema

with a concentration
in French-Canadian cinema.

Canadian music
with a concentration in Rush.

Canadian linguistics. Eh?

He used all of his inheritance...

He used all of his...

He used all of his inheritance.

It's a hard word to say.

To keep this branch afloat
with his in-her-i-tance.

"Hi, I'm Carol. I have the shingles again."

"I'm Carol.
Has anyone seen my TV Guide?"

"I'm Carol. Change frightens me."

"We have to put Carol down. She's old."

Andrew from the copy room
told me that he had mono.

And I said that I wanted to get mono

because I wanted to take
a month off from work.

And I kissed him deeply.

And I didn't get mono!

Okay, reset.