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This programme contains
some strong language
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00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:18,240
TRAIN RUMBLES
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00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:53,680
TANNOY: For the purposes
of safety and security,
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CCTV is in operation
at this station
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00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:59,480
and across
all underground lines.
6
00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:00,560
Thank you.
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00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:33,240
TANNOY: Ladies and gentlemen,
I've just been informed
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the next station is closed.
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This train will not be stopping
at the next station.
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For God's sake!
11
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What was that? I missed it.
12
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We're not stopping
at the next station.
13
00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:49,320
Ah. Thank you so much.
14
00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:52,360
Do you mind? Sorry, bro.
15
00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:53,520
I'm just looking at the map.
16
00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:56,000
Do you know what
the next station's going to be? No.
17
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:59,840
I thought I recognised her
from something. Which one?
18
00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:01,120
The lady with the teeth.
19
00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:02,880
You'll have to narrow it down,
Gerry.
20
00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:05,440
She was the maid
or whatever she was.
21
00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:06,800
What maid?
22
00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:09,240
There wasn't a maid.
It was set in a shoe factory.
23
00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:12,360
Well, the boss, then. I can't
remember all the details.
24
00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:13,720
She was in Crown Court.
25
00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:15,640
That was 50 years ago.
26
00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:17,200
Not Crown Court, The Crown.
27
00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:19,000
Well, who was she in that?
28
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,520
I think she was
Princess Margaret.
29
00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:23,240
Lesley Manville?
30
00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:24,480
Well, it might have been.
31
00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:25,760
People have to work, Edie.
32
00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:27,440
We haven't just seen
Lesley Manville
33
00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:29,560
in an amateur production
of Kinky Boots, Gerry.
34
00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:37,120
Frig me! Is there a homeless
convention in town this week?
35
00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:39,720
What?
Behind you, you blind bitch.
36
00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:43,000
If you're looking for your dad,
he's over there.
37
00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:45,240
Don't, Wilm, he can't help it.
38
00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:46,640
I think he's kind of cute.
39
00:02:46,640 --> 00:02:48,480
Fine, go ahead
and shag him, then.
40
00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:51,040
Least you won't have to pay
for his taxi fare home.
41
00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:52,720
BOTH SNIGGER
42
00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:54,400
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
43
00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:55,720
Very sorry to bother you.
44
00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:57,280
I hope you're all having
a wonderful evening.
45
00:02:57,280 --> 00:02:59,040
But as you can probably tell
from my appearance,
46
00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:01,040
I'm sleeping on the streets
at the moment.
47
00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:03,360
I'm asking if it would be possible
for any of you good people
48
00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:05,720
to help me out with
a little bit of spare change.
49
00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:08,000
I'm so embarrassed
to have to ask you like this,
50
00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:09,760
but I don't have any options
at the moment.
51
00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:11,920
I'd really appreciate
anything you can give
52
00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:13,840
to help me out
at this difficult time.
53
00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:24,360
I'm sorry, darling.
I don't have any change.
54
00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:25,560
No-one does.
55
00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:26,720
I need a card machine.
56
00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:28,600
What? No, no, no, no, no.
57
00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:30,440
What do you want to
do that for, bro?
58
00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:32,320
They can track you
if you use cards.
59
00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:35,280
Who can? Them, innit?
They're watching us right now.
60
00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:40,000
No cards, cash only.
61
00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:41,600
Do you have any cash?
62
00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:43,000
Uh, no.
63
00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:45,920
Here you go, dear.
64
00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:47,040
Oh...
65
00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:49,200
Thank you. Sorry it's not much.
66
00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:51,120
That's all right,
I appreciate it.
67
00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:52,800
Every little helps! Yeah?
68
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:54,920
Stop it, Edie.
He won't know Tesco's.
69
00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:56,840
I didn't mean Tesco's.
70
00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:58,320
I was just saying it
as a phrase.
71
00:03:58,320 --> 00:03:59,640
Just don't get involved.
72
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:04,080
CLANG
73
00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:05,960
GROANS
74
00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:05,960
Oh!
75
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,920
Jesus! Are you OK?
76
00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:09,320
Are you OK? You all right, bro?
77
00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:11,320
Yeah...
78
00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:11,320
HE GROANS
79
00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:13,680
HE GASPS
80
00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:15,080
WILMA: You are kidding me!
81
00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:18,400
TANNOY: Very sorry
for the power outage,
82
00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:20,680
ladies and gentlemen.
Do please sit tight
83
00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:22,880
while we try and get things
up and running again.
84
00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:24,480
Hopefully it won't be long.
85
00:04:27,280 --> 00:04:31,840
MAN: I heard some passengers
got stuck in a tunnel
86
00:04:31,840 --> 00:04:34,560
for two weeks
on the Berlin U-Bahn system.
87
00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:40,120
Power failed
and they were trapped inside.
88
00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:42,600
The authorities
couldn't get to them.
89
00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:45,320
They sat in the dark,
90
00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:48,640
panic slowly setting in.
91
00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:51,080
Then they ran out of water.
92
00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:54,160
They turned on each other
in the end.
93
00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,080
The weakest ones got eaten.
94
00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:58,320
Jesus,
I'd rather eat my own tits
95
00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:00,440
than chow down
on his gamey old meat.
96
00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:04,120
Be like eating a pigeon.
Beg your pardon?
97
00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:08,400
I mean, my gag reflex is legendary,
but I draw the line at that.
98
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:09,960
Stop it!
99
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:09,960
SHE LAUGHS
100
00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:12,160
You should have more respect. Oh,
keep your nose out, Melania Tramp,
101
00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:14,040
or I'll put some buttons
in with your change.
102
00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:15,800
What did you call me?
103
00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:15,800
SCREAMING
104
00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:17,880
What is it?
Someone grabbed me.
105
00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:19,840
GERRY: Who did?
106
00:05:19,840 --> 00:05:21,960
I don't know. I don't know.
107
00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:23,600
You all right?
Yeah, I think so.
108
00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:24,920
All right. All right.
109
00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:28,280
They... They pulled my bag
and I dropped it. Sorry.
110
00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:29,440
Are you hurt?
111
00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:30,720
No, I don't think so.
112
00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:32,840
Were they going for
the breasts, do you think?
113
00:05:32,840 --> 00:05:35,400
Gerald! What? I'm just trying
to establish the facts.
114
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:36,840
What's happened now?
115
00:05:36,840 --> 00:05:38,120
We're not sure.
116
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:40,080
It's a sex pest
in the carriage.
117
00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:42,160
Operates in the dark.
118
00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:44,480
My purse has gone. Are you sure?
119
00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:46,400
Yeah, it was in here. I just
had it and now it's gone.
120
00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:48,880
Strike that.
Sex pest and thief.
121
00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:50,360
Will you stop saying that word?
122
00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:51,720
What word? Sex pest? Yes!
123
00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:53,640
Sit down, please.
I've got this.
124
00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:58,040
OK, young man...
125
00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:00,320
...empty your pockets.
126
00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:01,520
What?
127
00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:03,120
Empty your pockets.
128
00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:05,680
This lady has had
her purse stolen.
129
00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:07,800
What's that got to do with me?
130
00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:09,120
I don't know yet.
131
00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:10,760
Why am I being singled out?
132
00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:12,160
HE SCOFFS
133
00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:14,200
I don't mean to be insensitive,
134
00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:16,560
but you're the only one
begging for money here.
135
00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:19,680
That doesn't mean I'm a thief.
136
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:21,760
Then empty your pockets. No.
137
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:24,040
And she had her breast pinched.
Gerald!
138
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:25,360
No, no. No-one did that.
139
00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:26,800
Poor woman's blotted it out.
140
00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:28,520
Coping mechanism.
141
00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:31,360
Will you be quiet, please? Sorry.
142
00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:34,240
Honestly, sir, I haven't done
nothing. He doesn't have to
143
00:06:34,240 --> 00:06:36,240
empty his pockets for you.
You're not the police.
144
00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:37,280
He might be.
145
00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:39,440
They put them on trains
undercover. I've seen 'em.
146
00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:41,960
Look, the thief is definitely
on this carriage.
147
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:44,080
In the absence of the law,
I just want to check.
148
00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:45,800
I'm only trying
to help this lady.
149
00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:47,200
That's reasonable enough.
150
00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:48,600
Absolutely it is.
151
00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:50,440
And if he needs
strip-searching,
152
00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:53,600
I've got some Vaseline and
latex gloves in me fanny pack.
153
00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:55,600
She gave me £2.
Why would I rob from her?
154
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:58,240
Well, that's the oldest trick
in the book. What is?
155
00:06:58,240 --> 00:06:59,960
You remember what happened
with Sting's accountant?
156
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:02,200
He thought they were friends.
Scammed him for six mil.
157
00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:03,800
It's hardly the same thing, Gerry.
158
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:05,160
They always start small.
159
00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:07,680
I don't mind
showing you my bags.
160
00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:10,240
Ah, there you are, you see.
161
00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:14,760
SHOUTS: Thank you, sir.
It's all perfectly fine.
162
00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:18,040
There's nothing to hide
if you've got nothing to hide.
163
00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:20,040
Huh?
164
00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:20,040
BAG RUSTLES
165
00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:29,600
That's great. Thank you.
166
00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:30,960
I do have more.
167
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,160
That's... HE GASPS ...fine.
168
00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:38,400
Don't you want to check them?
169
00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:39,680
No, it's OK.
170
00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:40,720
I trust you.
171
00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:42,560
I wouldn't if I were you, miss.
172
00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:44,360
WHISPERS: Not plugged in.
173
00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:49,800
We don't mind being searched,
do we, Edith?
174
00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:51,240
Well, yes, but...
175
00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:53,160
Just to rule ourselves out.
176
00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:54,440
We've been to the theatre.
177
00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:57,200
We enjoy Gilbert and Sullivan.
We're not hoodlums.
178
00:07:57,200 --> 00:08:00,200
Honestly, you don't have to,
it's fine.
179
00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:01,840
Did you have much money in it?
180
00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:04,200
No, not much.
But all my cards.
181
00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:05,560
Well, don't...don't use cards.
182
00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:08,120
Why will no-one
listen to me about this?
183
00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:09,920
And a photograph of my father
which...
184
00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:11,640
TEARFULLY:
I wouldn't want to lose that.
185
00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:13,800
Well, look,
I am happy to comply
186
00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:15,720
and show that I haven't got it.
187
00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:22,520
Edith? Edith.
188
00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:23,560
Um...
189
00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:25,480
This is just a car coat,
190
00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:26,960
so it doesn't have pockets,
191
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:28,920
and there is nothing
in my handbag.
192
00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:31,040
Well, two apple cores.
193
00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:32,720
CLEARS HIS THROAT
194
00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:32,720
You see?
195
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:35,600
That's what honest,
decent citizens do.
196
00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:38,760
Now...
197
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:44,480
...are you going to let me
check your pockets?
198
00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:19,200
Thank you.
199
00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:20,800
Wasn't so hard, was it?
200
00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:23,200
Speak for yourself, darling.
I found it quite erotic.
201
00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:24,720
Don't be so childish.
202
00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:27,440
Well, I bet you've never tried
to keep a tuck with a semi on.
203
00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:28,600
Shall I speak to the driver?
204
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:30,280
Tell him
there's been an incident.
205
00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:32,360
Good idea. Proper authorities.
206
00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:37,360
What about your pockets,
Chief Inspector?
207
00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:39,080
Can we look in them?
208
00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:41,600
Yes.
209
00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:42,760
Of course.
210
00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:47,480
You see?
211
00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:51,120
No-one is above the law.
212
00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:54,080
You can't just do what you want
without consequences.
213
00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:57,760
That's true. I snipped our
neighbour's hydrangeas back
214
00:09:57,760 --> 00:09:59,880
and they planted bamboo
out of spite.
215
00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:01,880
The drive's ruined, isn't it,
Gerry?
216
00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:03,040
I'm afraid so.
217
00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:04,560
It was an act of madness,
218
00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:07,080
and now we live
with the encroachment.
219
00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:11,000
Shafts of it poking through
the tarmac like Hydra's teeth!
220
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:12,880
Have you tried boiling water?
221
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,920
Of course we have!
It can't be stopped!
222
00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:16,040
Sorry.
223
00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:17,760
Who you working for?
224
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:21,160
Highton Grammar.
I'm a physics teacher.
225
00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:23,400
No, no, no, I don't trust him.
226
00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:25,400
He's been spying on us
the whole time.
227
00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:26,680
Don't be ridiculous.
228
00:10:26,680 --> 00:10:30,160
Yeah. You've been writing stuff
down about us in code.
229
00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:31,480
That's a polygon.
230
00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:34,720
Yeah! Look -
"actor", "fake", "taskforce".
231
00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:35,880
It's a puzzle.
232
00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:38,560
You have to make words
from the letters they give you.
233
00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:40,520
Oh, I'm good at those,
let me see.
234
00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:43,400
You're collating.
I see you collating.
235
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:45,440
Collating what?
236
00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:47,560
Data. For them.
There's a bigger picture, yeah?
237
00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:50,160
Yeah, we're all being
monitored. You must know that.
238
00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:52,600
Yes! It's aliens.
239
00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:54,040
I've seen them too.
240
00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:58,320
They experimented on me
at a bus stop in Preston.
241
00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:00,120
They put an R2-D2 in my bottom.
242
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:05,840
To scale, obviously.
243
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:12,360
He's not joking.
244
00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:13,880
How do you know?
245
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,280
He's got it in that bag.
246
00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:22,640
Oh, my God.
247
00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:36,760
Speaking of bags,
can we see inside yours?
248
00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:38,320
Definitely not.
249
00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:40,000
Private property.
250
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,440
Everybody else has. I said no.
251
00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:45,120
Why not?
252
00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:46,800
What have you got to hide?
253
00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:48,560
Oi, fuck off, man.
254
00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:51,640
I'm so sorry.
255
00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:53,840
I...I didn't mean to cause
this much upset.
256
00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:55,920
Don't worry,
it's not your fault.
257
00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:57,680
I'm just a bit shaken.
258
00:11:57,680 --> 00:11:59,720
I've never had
anything stolen before.
259
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:02,360
Well, I'm sure the police
can sort it all out.
260
00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:04,680
We'll make a statement,
won't we, Gerry? Yes, of course.
261
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:06,440
I'm sorry, but I'm not saying
shit to the police.
262
00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:08,680
I wouldn't trust them
as far as I could throw them.
263
00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:11,280
Hardly surprising, is it?
264
00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:12,680
Why'd you say that?
265
00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:14,000
Oh, no reason.
266
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,640
No, go on.
If you've got something to say,
267
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:17,040
I think you should say it.
268
00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:21,400
I've been a teacher
for 25 years.
269
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:24,800
I've seen the erosion
of respect for authority.
270
00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:27,040
There was a time when
I would walk into a classroom
271
00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:29,640
and 30 students
would stand up immediately.
272
00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:31,200
Oh, is that what you want?
273
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:32,760
"Good morning, sir."
274
00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:34,360
This lady is a nurse!
275
00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:37,040
It wasn't so long ago
276
00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:39,520
we were standing in the street
applauding their efforts.
277
00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:43,080
Or maybe you never bothered?
278
00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:44,520
No, maybe I never did.
279
00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:46,520
Do you have a list of everyone
who banged a pan?
280
00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:49,000
Oh, the Government do.
They see everything.
281
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:51,240
We were out there at least
three times, weren't we, Edith?
282
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:53,480
Although that Le Creuset
was bloody heavy.
283
00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:57,480
# As some day it may happen
that a victim must be found
284
00:12:57,480 --> 00:13:00,360
# I've got a little list
I've got a little list
285
00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:04,440
# Of society offenders
who may well be underground
286
00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:06,400
# And who never
would be missed
287
00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:08,400
# Who never would be missed
288
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:09,800
# There's the pestilential...
289
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:12,040
Frig me,
it's like Hamilton for hobos.
290
00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:14,400
It's from The Mikado. Oh!
291
00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:15,920
# ...People who have
flabby hands
292
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:17,760
# And irritating laughs
293
00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:20,800
# All children who are
up in dates and floor you...
294
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,560
Thank you, darling.
We'll let you know.
295
00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:24,480
# All persons
who in shaking hands...
296
00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:27,440
All right! All right,
let's stop playing silly buggers.
297
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:28,600
Open the bag. No.
298
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,160
Well, I'm afraid
I'm going to have to insist,
299
00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:31,920
because you were closest
to this lady
300
00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:34,200
when the incident occurred.
Stay the fuck away from me.
301
00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:36,520
# They never would be missed. #
302
00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:39,680
If... If I could make a suggestion?
303
00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:43,240
Let's take a vote.
See what the general feeling is.
304
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:44,400
Very good, Edith.
305
00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:46,000
Democracy manifest.
306
00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:48,720
Everyone who thinks...
307
00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:51,760
Sorry,
I didn't catch your name.
308
00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:53,080
I didn't give you my name.
309
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:55,640
Well, we could vote
on whether he should.
310
00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:58,280
No, he doesn't have
to give us his name, it's fine.
311
00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:00,160
Harold. My name's Harold.
312
00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:01,800
Oh, hello, Harold.
313
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:03,920
I'm Edith, and this
is my husband, Gerry.
314
00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:04,960
Hello.
315
00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:07,600
Binks. Raymond Binks.
316
00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:10,160
I'm Elena.
317
00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:11,840
It's very nice to meet you all.
318
00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:15,880
Well, my boy name is Jonathan -
urgh, gives me the ick -
319
00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:17,360
but my drag name
320
00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:18,880
is Wilma Dickshow. Wilma...?
321
00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:21,120
Dickshow. Right.
322
00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:23,720
I do a bottomless brunch
first Thursday of every month
323
00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:24,920
at the Purple Sock. I know -
324
00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:26,480
I'll put you all
on the guest list.
325
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:29,600
Gerry and Edith. Elena.
What was your name again?
326
00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:31,160
I'm not giving you my name,
all right?
327
00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:33,600
Oh, damn it. I thought
I was going to Columbo him then.
328
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,800
He doesn't have to give you
his name. He doesn't have to
329
00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:38,000
give you anything. Just because
you assume authority,
330
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:39,960
like the fascist prick
that you are.
331
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:41,720
Well, when the police
become involved,
332
00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:44,240
we'll all have to
give our names, won't we?
333
00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:47,040
I won't. You tell him, Cleo...
Oh, bum cheeks!
334
00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:49,640
All right, this has gone on long
enough. Is there anybody here
335
00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:52,280
who thinks I shouldn't look
inside this young man's bag,
336
00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:54,280
by force, if necessary? Yes!
337
00:14:58,080 --> 00:14:59,480
Come on.
338
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:01,720
Well, someone's
nicked her purse, darling,
339
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:03,000
and it wasn't me.
340
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:04,640
There you are, see?
341
00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:06,400
Hand it over. Oi, oi!
342
00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:07,680
What you doing, man?
343
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:12,720
Is no-one going to stand up to him?
Give it to me.
344
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:22,560
Someone stop him!
345
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:36,240
TANNOY: Me again, folks.
346
00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:38,680
Sorry about
the continuing loss of power.
347
00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:41,400
We should be on our way
fairly shortly.
348
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:43,040
We are aware
there's been an incident
349
00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:44,280
in one of the carriages,
350
00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:47,320
and the proper authorities
have been informed.
351
00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:48,520
Once again,
352
00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:50,720
I apologise for
any inconvenience caused.
353
00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:06,000
Can I have my newspaper back,
please?
354
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:09,040
Oh, yes.
I got "frock", unsurprisingly,
355
00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:10,520
and "fork".
356
00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:12,080
I wanted "cock"...
357
00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:14,720
...but there's only one C.
358
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,880
Did you know
that "Meryl Streep"
359
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:32,560
is an anagram
of "try eel sperm"?
360
00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:36,560
It's always tickled me.
361
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:41,800
What did the driver say?
362
00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:44,240
He said there's a replacement
service on the way.
363
00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:45,720
Shouldn't be long now.
364
00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:51,040
Well, looks as though
I'm going to be late for work.
365
00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:52,600
HE SCOFFS
366
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:54,120
I'd love to be late for work.
367
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:56,040
My job's 24/7.
368
00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:59,360
Your job?
369
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:01,640
COINS RATTLE
370
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:01,640
Surviving.
371
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:11,560
Do you make much money
going up and down?
372
00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:12,880
No.
373
00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:16,720
People are just embarrassed.
I get it.
374
00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:18,320
I'm asking for generosity.
375
00:17:18,320 --> 00:17:21,160
It puts them in the position
of deciding to be kind or not.
376
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:23,920
Do you think people
are not kind?
377
00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:26,560
I think most people
don't believe me
378
00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:28,560
when I tell them
I've got nothing.
379
00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:30,720
They think it's a con,
I'm just lying.
380
00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:36,520
At the hospital,
I see the opposite.
381
00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:40,360
Lots of frightened people
trying to make sense
382
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:41,880
of what's happening to them.
383
00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:44,320
They just really want to know
384
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:46,200
that everything's
going to be all right, but...
385
00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:49,640
..sometimes they can't
accept the truth.
386
00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:54,240
Here...
387
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:55,920
You can have your £2 back.
388
00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:57,360
Oh, no, no. You keep that.
389
00:17:57,360 --> 00:17:59,360
Are you sure?
Hmm. Yeah, course.
390
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,760
Hope it brings you luck.
391
00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:08,560
Says here
they're doing Salad Days
392
00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:11,200
for their Christmas show.
Shall we book for that, Edie?
393
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:13,080
Boxing Day treat? Hmm?
394
00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:15,080
Shall we book Salad Days
for Christmas?
395
00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:17,640
No. I don't want to see
Salad Days.
396
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:19,080
What's the matter?
397
00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:22,080
I think that man's a bully.
398
00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:24,720
Who? The teacher.
399
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:27,800
Why do we always
let people like him bully us?
400
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:29,480
We're people in our own right.
401
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:30,800
We have our own opinions.
402
00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:33,200
Yes, of course we do, but
we don't have to blurt them out
403
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:35,400
to every Tom, Dick and Harold,
do we?
404
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:38,360
I don't know. I think we just
sunk into ourselves.
405
00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:40,600
Anything for a quiet life.
406
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:44,960
Well, there's nothing wrong
with that, is there?
407
00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:48,880
What happened to you, Gerald?
408
00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:52,560
You used to be such a firebrand.
409
00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:54,600
When you had
that trouble at work,
410
00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:57,280
you were the first one
to lead your team out on strike.
411
00:18:57,280 --> 00:19:00,160
Standing there with your
whistle and your megaphone.
412
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:02,800
That was a long time ago, Edie.
413
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:05,040
I came and brought you soup.
414
00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:06,440
Do you remember?
415
00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:08,720
In a big pot with a ladle.
416
00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:11,040
And we all sang that song
from Oliver!
417
00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:12,840
Food Glorious Food.
418
00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:14,000
What is it, love?
419
00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:17,080
What's the matter?
420
00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:19,160
I want more, Gerry.
421
00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:20,760
I want more!
422
00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:32,480
MUSIC THROUGH HEADPHONES
423
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:37,560
Here, it's your favourite.
424
00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:41,320
All Too Well (10 Minute Version)
(Taylor's Version) (From the Vault).
425
00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:46,000
What?
426
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:47,160
You're not going to have an eppy
427
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:49,360
because I didn't
put my hand up, are you?
428
00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:51,320
I can't believe
you'd let him get away with that.
429
00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,920
Oh, Cleo, come down
off your high horse, darling.
430
00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:55,240
It's exhausting.
431
00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:57,080
He assaulted
those two young men.
432
00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:59,080
Yeah, and we had front-row seats.
433
00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:00,560
Lucky us.
434
00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:02,240
It's not every day
you get a free sex show
435
00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:03,520
on your train ride home, is it?
436
00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:05,760
I should have filmed it
for OnlyFans -
437
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:08,920
The Teacher, The Tramp
And The Terrorist.
438
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:11,120
He's not a terrorist.
Why is he a terrorist?
439
00:20:11,120 --> 00:20:12,400
He was clinging onto that bag
440
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:14,080
tighter than Judy Finnegan
to a wine glass.
441
00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:16,040
And I bet he grew that beard
442
00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:17,880
to hide his face
from the cameras.
443
00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:20,320
Not everyone with a bag and
a beard is a terrorist, Wilma.
444
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,920
Yeah, and not everyone
445
00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:23,840
who tapes their knob
to their arsehole
446
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:25,200
is a drag queen but... You know.
447
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:28,560
I think she may be right. Thank you.
448
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:32,640
Where are you heading to?
449
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:34,000
None of your business, man.
450
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,080
You didn't seem
to know the area, that's all.
451
00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:38,040
Look, I'm not explaining myself
to you. I'm not on trial,
452
00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:39,560
I'm not at school.
I've done nothing wrong.
453
00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:42,760
"The lady doth protest
too much, methinks."
454
00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:44,040
Shakespeare.
455
00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:46,400
Well, they're sending
somebody to help us.
456
00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:47,760
Maybe we should just wait.
457
00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:49,240
Yeah.
458
00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:50,480
HOMELESS MAN: Well, I believe him.
459
00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:51,560
Thank you.
460
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:53,840
Not you. Him. Oh.
461
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:56,160
That's not a particularly
glowing endorsement
462
00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:57,800
coming from a common thief.
463
00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,680
I'm not a thief.
464
00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:03,120
Crawling up and down
the train carriage all day,
465
00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:04,920
begging for change!
466
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:08,120
You work your fingers
to the bone!
467
00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:09,640
Shut your mouth!
468
00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:12,840
I'm with you. Someone's got to
stand up to the man.
469
00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:14,360
Exactly.
And he's been lording it
470
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,360
over us this whole time
like he's better than us.
471
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:18,360
Well, you're not!
And the rest of you
472
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:19,480
can sit there and do nothing
473
00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:21,560
but I'm taking
affirmative action.
474
00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:23,120
HE LAUGHS
475
00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:26,520
There's still more of us
than there are of you.
476
00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:28,000
No, there isn't.
477
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:29,920
Excuse me.
478
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,160
Edith, what are you doing?
479
00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:36,440
I think you're a bully,
480
00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:38,800
and I don't think it's fair,
what you've been doing.
481
00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:40,840
Look, look, look.
I want another vote.
482
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:43,320
If the majority of people
want to see inside this bag,
483
00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:44,840
then you can, and I won't stop you.
484
00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:46,960
Good, because I do.
485
00:21:48,120 --> 00:21:51,080
Squash this little rebellion
486
00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:53,160
and then prove that I'm right.
487
00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:54,680
Gerald?
488
00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:00,880
I agree.
489
00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:04,480
Elena?
490
00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:10,280
Sorry.
491
00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:15,560
And...
492
00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:18,800
...this gentleman?
493
00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:27,720
Oh, my gosh,
it's come all down to me.
494
00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:30,000
It's like Kramer Vs Kramer.
495
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:32,440
Who do I choose?
496
00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:35,040
Ickle, ockle, chocolate bottle,
ickle, ockle, out,
497
00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:37,960
turn the dirty dishcloth
inside out.
498
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:40,200
Everything's just
a big fucking joke
499
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:41,440
to you, isn't it, Jonathan?
500
00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:42,800
Um, pretty much, yeah.
501
00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:46,000
You can't see through
all those fake lashes and mascara
502
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:47,440
that here, in the real world,
503
00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:50,040
there is injustice happening
everywhere you look.
504
00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:52,080
And if you thought about
anybody else but yourself
505
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:53,880
for at least 30 seconds,
you'd realise that!
506
00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:55,880
Oh, I know all about
the real world,
507
00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:57,200
Cleopatra, darling.
508
00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:00,520
I've been laughed at, beaten up,
509
00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:02,920
had dog shit
pushed through my letterbox.
510
00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:05,320
There's no need
to tell me about injustice.
511
00:23:07,080 --> 00:23:10,360
And if I want to paint my face
and lip-sync to Lady Gaga,
512
00:23:10,360 --> 00:23:12,600
then that's just
my way of dealing with it,
513
00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:14,360
all right? Just like yours
514
00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:17,240
is rebelling against
your posh-as-fuck upbringing
515
00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:20,080
by getting a little nose-ring
and tottering after me
516
00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:22,720
like the ghastly little fag hag
that you are.
517
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:27,400
I'm with you, Daddy.
518
00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:36,320
When did you get so mean?
519
00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:38,640
Blessed are the mean,
520
00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:41,960
for they will inherit
the earth.
521
00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:45,720
CLANKING
522
00:23:45,720 --> 00:23:50,160
Blessed are those who hunger
and thirst after righteousness,
523
00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:52,640
for they will be killed.
524
00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:55,200
Hey, you can look inside now.
525
00:23:57,080 --> 00:23:59,240
Blessed are the merciful,
526
00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:03,080
for they will be shown no mercy.
527
00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:04,480
What is this?
528
00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:09,400
Blessed are
the pure in heart...
529
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:15,560
..for they will see...God.
530
00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:31,200
What the fuck?
531
00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:32,520
Gerry?
532
00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:39,080
Put them on.
You've got about 20 seconds.
533
00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:43,960
Harold and I don't need them.
534
00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:45,960
What's happening, Gerry?
535
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:49,480
It's all right, Edie.
Deep breaths.
536
00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:50,560
It doesn't hurt.
537
00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:51,960
HISSING
538
00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:57,080
COUGHING
539
00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:05,080
MUFFLED CRIES FOR HELP
540
00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:08,040
HISSING CONTINUES
541
00:25:10,520 --> 00:25:12,040
EDITH: Gerry!
542
00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:13,320
Help us!
543
00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:14,880
Help!
544
00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:19,400
EDITH: Gerry!
545
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:22,040
COUGHING AND GASPING
546
00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:24,880
Gerry!
547
00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:35,800
HISSING STOPS
548
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:43,440
CLEARS HIS THROAT
549
00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:46,440
Sorry about the inconvenience.
550
00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:48,680
The purse was just
an inciting incident.
551
00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:50,920
Oh, you can take these off now.
It's fine.
552
00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:52,800
INHALES SHARPLY
553
00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:54,000
It's fine.
554
00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:56,720
No hard feelings, eh?
555
00:25:57,760 --> 00:25:59,600
W-What's going on?
556
00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:02,320
Well, we implement this action
from time to time.
557
00:26:02,320 --> 00:26:04,120
Swap out the disruptors,
558
00:26:04,120 --> 00:26:06,400
anybody who challenges
the status quo.
559
00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:09,200
But you all have
nothing to worry about.
560
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:10,640
What do you mean?
561
00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:12,200
Now, if you could just sign here.
562
00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:14,840
It just confirms that you
took no part in today's events
563
00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:16,560
as they never actually happened.
564
00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:22,000
Oh, and tick the box if you'd
be interested in helping us
565
00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:23,480
in the future.
We really need people like you,
566
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:25,120
Elena, actually.
567
00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:27,640
People who don't get involved.
568
00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:29,840
Thanks.
569
00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:31,320
Great.
570
00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:33,000
What about these people?
571
00:26:34,280 --> 00:26:35,720
Well, you can see them.
572
00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:37,600
They're right here.
573
00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:41,040
Only now, like you...
574
00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:42,960
WHISPERS: ..they wouldn't say
boo to a goose.
575
00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:46,080
Isn't that right, Gerry?
576
00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:48,040
Oh, that's right, sir.
577
00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:50,320
Great. Great.
578
00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:52,320
TANNOY CHIMES
579
00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:54,640
We do apologise for the delay
580
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:57,320
in your replacement service
today.
581
00:26:57,320 --> 00:26:59,600
This was due to an earlier
disruption on the line
582
00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:02,040
which has now been rectified.
583
00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:04,520
We do hope you have
a safe onwards journey.
584
00:27:07,080 --> 00:27:09,480
Hey, guys. Um,
just three people today,
585
00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:10,720
two females and a male.
586
00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:15,680
Yep, great.
587
00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:25,000
Edith?
588
00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:26,200
Yes?
589
00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:30,560
When we get home, shall we
book to see Salad Days?
590
00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:33,120
Yes, I think we should.
591
00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:35,880
TANNOY: If you see something
that doesn't look right,
592
00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:41,480
speak to staff or text British
Transport Police on 61016
593
00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:43,280
and we'll sort it.
594
00:27:43,280 --> 00:27:44,480
See it.
595
00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:48,720
Say it.
596
00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:49,920
Sorted.
65820
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