All language subtitles for Cactus.Flower.1969.1080p.BluRay.x264-[YTS.AM].en-US

Hey, in there,
something wrong?

I smell gas.

Julian.

I'm not Julian. Wake up.

Julian, kiss me.

Sorry, Julian, whoever you are.

Who are you?

What are you doing?

Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

You were kissing me.

I lost my head.

-How did you get in here? I don't--
-You left your gas on.

Gas?

I'm alive!

I blew it!

Oh, boy, I really blew it!

-Take it easy. You're lucky I broke in.
-Why did you?

-I thought you were dying.
-That was the whole idea.

Why don't you go back
and mind your own business...

like everybody else in New York City?

Okay, lady.

That's the last time I'll save your life.

Damn it, you made me blow it!

It happens you were going about it
all wrong.

I believe you're supposed to put your head
in the stove.

It's a second-hand stove.
There were no directions.

So why did you do it? Because of Julian?

How do you know about Julian?

You called me that
while you were kissing me.

I wasn't kissing you. You were kissing me.

And by the way, is that all you did?

There wasn't much time.

I'm sorry. I guess I should be grateful.

-What's your name?
-Igor Sullivan.

Igor Sullivan. That's wild.

-I made it up.
-How come you picked Igor?

Igor's my own. I made up the Sullivan.

-It's a good name for a writer.
-You're a writer?

You're the writer!

The one who keeps pounding
on his typewriter all night?

You drive me crazy.

Why didn't you complain?
So I could have met you earlier.

-You haven't told me your name.
-Toni Simmons.

Look, Toni, what did this Julian do to you?

Nothing.

He must have done something.
What, did he cheat on you?

Beat you? He's a drunk? A crook?

-Worse.
-Oh, he's married.

For life. He's got three kids.

I don't know why I'm telling you all this,
like you were Dear Abby.

Is that that dirty rat, Julian?

He's not a dirty rat. He's a dentist.
A fine dentist, Fifth Avenue.

With a wife and three kids.

That's one of the things
that attracted me to him.

You go for married men?

I like honesty.

All my life people have lied to me,
and I can't stand it.

Julian at least had the decency to warn me
he had a wife and a family.

I was in love with him, so I accepted it.

At first I thought it was going to be
a gay, carefree fling.

Then came all those nights
when he couldn't make it.

And then he called tonight and cancelled.

It was our anniversary.

Anniversary? Of what?

Julian and I met one year ago
at Stereo Heaven.

That's the record shop where I work.

Stereo Heaven.
I've been there. I never noticed you.

Julian did. And I noticed him.

He was charming,
good-looking, sophisticated.

No sweatshirts.

Sorry, I didn't know that suicide
was black tie.

I was sitting here alone tonight,
it suddenly came over me.

I have wasted away my whole life.

Do you realize I'm 21?

It's a lucky thing I smoke too much.

I was on my way to the corner
to get cigarettes.

-The corner? Oh, my God!
-What's the matter?

I wrote Julian telling him
what I was going to do.

Why?

What would be the sense of killing myself
if he didn't know about it?

-Where are you going?
-I've got to get that letter back.

Wait a minute!

-How do you plan to do that?
-With a piece of string and chewing gum.

You already broke the law
when you attempted suicide.

Don't start monkeying around
with the federal government.

I guess you're right.

-What time is it?
-It's almost 3:00.

3:00. I've got to get up and go to work
in the morning.

Go away. I have to sleep.

To hell with that. I'll take the day off.

Yeah, why kill yourself?

Boy, you must be a pretty corny writer.

-What sort of things do you write?
-Plays.

What kind of plays?

Very advanced.
All the actors keep their clothes on.

Public's not quite ready for that yet.

-How do you live?
-I get an allowance from my father.

Oh, boy! I was beginning
to feel sorry for you.

Everybody can't be poor.

Look, if you need anything,
just pound on the wall. I'll come right away.

Thanks, Igor.

Good night.

I want you to call Julian for me
in the morning before he gets that letter.

Why don't you call him yourself?

In the first place, I'll be sleeping.

And second place, I don't want to give him
the satisfaction of hearing me cry.

Why not throw a scare into him?
He deserves it.

He's liable to call the cops or something.

-Will you do it?
-Yeah, all right.

He's in the book.
Julian Winston, D.D.S., Fifth Avenue.

What'll I say to him?

-Just tell him I'm alive.
-You're alive.

And I never want to see him again
as long as I live!

Dr. Winston's office. Who?

Igor Sullivan? Is it about an appointment?

I'm sorry, Mr. Sullivan,
but the doctor's with a patient right now.

If you'll just give me the message.

If you insist on speaking to him,
then you'll have to call back later.

A caramel. One lousy caramel,
and the whole damn filling came out.

Mrs. Durant, it was only a temporary filling,
and you were warned to be careful.

Caramels!

Good heavens,
I've given up everything else.

Is the doctor ready for me?

He was 20 minutes ago. Since you were late,
he gave your time to another patient.

-Morning, Miss Dickinson.
-Thank you, Howard.

Would you please tell the doctor
I'm in a hurry?

Charles is expecting me in half an hour.

Mr. Charles, the hairdresser.
Today he's taking care of me personally.

I can't keep him waiting.

Really, Mrs. Durant, your teeth
are more important than your hair.

You really believe that, don't you?

How sad.

Dr. Winston's office.
Good morning, Mrs. Andrews.

The doctor is booked solid today.
Let me check with him.

Excuse me, Doctor, Mrs. Andrews
is on the phone. Her bridge is wobbling.

Tell her to come in
at 8:00 tomorrow morning.

Yes, Doctor. And Mrs. Durant is here.

-When you're free, I'd like to speak to you.
-All right.

Mr. Greenfield,
please don't handle the instruments.

I was reading that there's a dentist
in New Jersey who has topless nurses.

I didn't know you were interested in reading.

She really turns me off.

I thought all Swedish dames were sexy.

I've seen some of those movies,
but this one is like an iceberg.

She's very efficient.

Have you ever seen her out of her uniform?

I mean, in street clothes?
I'll bet she wears corrective hats.

Harvey, what you don't like
about Miss Dickinson...

is exactly what I do like about her.

She's like a wife, a good wife:
devoted, competent...

takes care of everything for me
during the day.

And at night, she goes home, to her home.

And I, with no problems and no cares,
go to my girl.

My life is arranged the way I like it.

Your girl? One girl? Singular?

Didn't I tell you? It's been a year now.

That's not the old Julian Winston
I knew in the old days.

The dancing dentist at the Copa every night
with a new girl.

Toni has changed all that.
I don't want anyone else.

You mean you're in love with her?

I tried to fight it. Take last night.

I deliberately broke a date with Toni
to go out with another girl.

Airline stewardess. Tall, built,
spectacular-looking Australian girl.

We went up to her place.
Had a few drinks. Open.

Bite. Stay that way.

You can't leave me hanging like this.

You wanted to see me about something?

Yes, Doctor. I've been meaning
to speak to you about Mr. Greenfield's bill.

Miss Dickinson,
you know he's an old friend of mine.

I think he's taking advantage of you.

There are some things a man just can't do.

I won't push Harvey Greenfield for money.
I've known him too long.

-You do it.
-I'll be happy to.

-What's this?
-I ordered you some new shirts.

The ones you're wearing are frayed
around the collar.

You should change laundries.
They're using too much starch.

-Please stop mothering me.
-Here's a letter for you.

When I'm through with Mr. Greenfield.

Rinse, please.

So you went up to her place.

You went up to her place,
you had a few drinks....

Oh, yes. The stewardess.
Yes, beautiful girl. Beautiful.

Then what happened?

Nothing. Toni stopped me.

-Toni? She showed up?
-In my mind.

I saw her face before me
and I couldn't go through with it.

I left, walked out.

-You wasted a whole stewardess?
-Open.

You going to get married?

Married? Who said anything
about getting married?

If you feel that way about her....

I feel that way about my girl
because she is my girl.

You'd never catch me feeling that way
about a wife.

I've got a perfect setup.
Why spoil it by getting married?

That's a very healthy outlook.
But what about her?

No problem.

All girls want to get married. I know.
I've been subdivided three times.

Not Toni Simmons.
She thinks I'm already married.

Julian, you pulled that old stunt on her.

The minute I met her,
I knew this girl could make me do anything.

So just to protect myself in the clinches...

I told her that I had a wife
and three children.

Three children is a nice touch.

And I told it to her right away...

so that everything between us
would be open and aboveboard.

Very good. That's such a big, dirty, rotten,
filthy lie, it has class.

I'm going to put this back temporarily.
It should hold you till next week.

All right, bite down hard.

That's it. Stay like that.

Would you give Mr. Greenfield
another appointment?

Yes, Doctor. I know you won't have time
to go out for lunch...

so I made you some of your favorite
sandwiches: chicken and egg salad.

Again?

-Well, you've always liked them.
-If you say so.

Dr. Winston, I'm so terribly sorry I was
late.

All right, dear lady. That is all right.
But I understand we've been very naughty.

I don't know about you,
but all I had was one little caramel.

Besides being bad for your teeth,
Mrs. Durant...

think of how caramels
can hurt those splendid hips.

-Isn't he a marvelous dentist?
-Great.

But with his talents he would have made
an even better obstetrician.

-In here, Mrs. Durant.
-See you next week, Harv.

Wait a minute.
I listened to you about your girl.

-Let me tell you about mine.
-I'm running--

She's beautiful,
with a figure like a Greek goddess.

Great, big, beautiful eyes.

-Yes, but her teeth need work.
-They overlap a little.

You pulled this on me before.

Doctor, Mrs. Durant is ready.

But, Julian, old buddy.

All right, send her in
and I'll see what I can do.

But don't you know any girls
with straight teeth?

Excuse me, Sergeant.... Miss Dickinson.

Dr. Winston asked me to make
an appointment for a lady friend of mine.

How about a week from Tuesday
at 7:00 a.m.?

You're kidding. I'm asleep at 7:00 a.m.

I thought the appointment was for a lady.

That's right. We're both asleep at 7:00 a.m.

I'm sorry. I hope I haven't shocked you.

No, but it must be a terrible shock for her.

-Would you get Mrs. Durant's chart, please?
-Yes, Doctor.

By the way, Mr. Greenfield,
who is paying for this treatment?

Put it on my tab.

There is no more room on your tab.

I feel insulted.
It isn't as if I'm planning to stick you.

It isn't as if
you're planning to pay me, either.

Look...

things are a slow for actors right now.
But when the new television season starts--

How about Thursday at 5:30 p.m.?
Or is that too early?

We'll set the alarm.

-Will you prepare an anesthetic syringe?
-Yes, Doctor.

-You said something about a letter?
-Yes.

And by the way,
your tailor called about your fitting.

That's something I can't do for you...

anymore than I can go to the barber
for you, which you could also use.

-Oh, my God!
-What's wrong, Doctor?

-Why didn't you show me this before?
-I tried to, but....

Doctor!

Are you leaving?

What about Mrs. Durant
and all the other patients?

-You handle it.
-Doctor, really!

If your girlfriends
start to come before your patients--

Miss Dickinson, shut up!

Dr. Winston's office.

No, he's not here.

Look, Mr. Sullivan, if it is that important
you'd better tell me about it.

What? Toni is alive? Who is Toni? Hello?

Now, hello?

I didn't know dentists made house calls.

I knew it.

-Knew what?
-That you wouldn't do it.

A whole day full of appointments,
a dozen patients coming...

and you send a letter that you're going
to kill yourself, and then don't.

-Sorry to disappoint you.
-The whole thing was a fake, wasn't it?

Everything between us is a fake, Julian.

Just because I broke
one lousy little date last night?

It happens that I had an important meeting
with an Australian dentist.

We were comparing techniques.

Don't try to spare my feelings, Julian.
I know you were out with your wife.

If you know, you know.

I've made up my mind, Julian.
We're through.

Through? What are you talking about?
We're so happy together.

-We are?
-I'm happy together.

I've decided I want a man of my own.
Exclusively. No more going halfsies.

So here. I packed your pajamas,
toothbrush, and your picture.

Toni, this isn't like you.

-Didn't know you had company.
-It's only Julian. This is Igor Sullivan.

Hello, Dr. Winston,
I just spoke to your nurse on the phone.

Something wrong with your teeth?

No, I called to tell you Toni's alive,
and you needn't worry about her letter.

-Alive?
-You feeling all right?

I'm fine. Thanks, Igor.

I wanted to make sure you weren't
playing any more tricks with the gas.

-Gas?
-Gas.

Toni, I'm a bastard.

-No, Julian.
-A no-good bastard.

You really tried to kill yourself over me?

-Stupid, wasn't it?
-I'm a bastard.

The biggest bastard in the whole world.

Julian, please, you're starting
to make it sound like bragging.

It wasn't your fault.
I knew what I was getting into.

You've always told me the truth.

I should've kept my mouth shut.

You couldn't, Julian. You're a decent guy.
That's why I fell in love with you.

Now I'm returning you
to your wife and your children.

I hope you'll be very happy.

No, Toni, everything's going to be all right.

I'm going to make it up to you.

Sure. You'll take me away for
another fun-filled weekend at some motel.

No more weekends and no more motels.
Toni, I'm going to marry you.

How do you mean, marry?

Marry, with the judge, the blood test,
the license. That kind of marry. Right away.

-But what about your wife?
-My wife? I'll divorce her.

-What about the children?
-I'll divorce them, too.

-This isn't funny.
-I should have done it a long time ago.

Baby, when I think
that you were ready to die because of me....

Julian, you really do love me.

Did you ever doubt it?

-Julian, not now.
-Why not now?

Igor's right next door.
He can hear everything.

-Igor's been right next door before.
-Yeah, but I hadn't met him then.

Look, the sooner we move you out of here,
the better.

Now that you're going to be
Mrs. Julian Winston.

Imagine that. Me, a married man.

I mean, me married to you.

Julian, what's going to become of her?
Your wife.

Why do we keep talking about my wife?

You're going to have to make
some arrangements about her.

-What do you figure on doing?
-Simple. Hup, out!

Is that what you'll say
when you get tired of me? "Hup, out"?

No, this is different, darling.

I love you.
My wife and I, I never even knew her.

How did the three children come?
United Parcel?

At the beginning I was polite.

Look, will you stop worrying about my wife?
She'll be taken care of.

What if she refuses to give you a divorce?

She wouldn't dare. Let's forget her.

I can't. The thought of being a housebreaker
sort of spoils things.

A home-breaker. A housebreaker is a crook.

I'm stealing you away from your wife.

You may not believe it,
but I have certain standards.

Toni, I haven't wanted to go into this...

but what if I told you
that it's my wife who wants the divorce?

Oh, God.
You mean she found out about us?

Let's just say that
she wants her freedom, too.

In that case, I'll be proud to marry you.

Baby.

What the hell are you doing there?

Fixing Toni's window.

Because if she waits till the janitor
gets around to it, it'll take forever.

Thanks, Igor.

Tell him to get the hell out of here
and come back later.

Julian, don't be so impatient.

Look, now that we're engaged...

don't you think we should do something
to celebrate?

I know.

Let's do something
we've never done before.

-What?
-You can take me out in the daytime.

Did you get enough sauerkraut?

-I want to meet her.
-Who?

-Your wife.
-My wife?

I want to get things straightened out
with her.

Come on, Toni. That really isn't necessary.

I want her to tell me herself
that she wants to leave you.

She does! Have I ever lied to you?

You'll arrange it, won't you, Julian?

-Arrange what?
-For me to meet your wife.

It's very important she doesn't think of me
as some sort of house-wrecker.

Home-wrecker.

I don't want to have to hide
every time I run into her somewhere.

Believe me, you'll never run into her.

If I don't meet your wife, I won't be happy.

And if I'm not happy,
then you won't be happy.

I'll bet this guy cheated and used a ruler.

When am I going to meet her?
And don't say "who."

Baby, you can take my word for it.

-Julian, you've got to promise--
-I'll do nothing of the kind.

Now let's just drop the whole thing.

-All right, let's drop it.
-Do you know what this represents?

-Goodbye, Julian.
-Goodbye?

-It was very nice knowing you.
-Just a minute. Come back here.

-Forget it!
-Wait a minute. Toni, will you....

All right, I promise. You'll meet her.

Señor Sanchez.

The doctor, he is waiting?

I tried to call you at the UN, but you'd
left.

The doctor had to cancel
all his appointments today.

Really? That's too bad.

But as long as you're here, we might as well
x-ray that tooth that's bothering you.

That I don't mind.

But you're not afraid
of Dr. Winston, are you?

It's funny,
because by nature I am not a coward.

As a matter of fact,
I'm known in my own country as El Bravo.

El Bravo. How about that?

I have been through six bloody revolutions.
At United Nations, I've sat in my seat...

and I've listened to a nine-hour speech
by the Bulgarian delegate.

Yet, when it comes to dentists....

We all have our little weaknesses.

-I have several big ones.
-Now, Señor Sanchez.

I cannot help myself.

There is something so provocative
about a nurse in uniform.

No frills, no adornments,
just the basic woman.

You hold that with your finger.

There we are. Hold still, Señor Sanchez...

or the basic woman is liable
to x-ray your nose.

Hold still.

There.

Thank you.

-There we are.
-You are a most attractive woman...

yet you try to conceal it.

Very successfully, I'd say.

But we Latins have a great eye
for hidden beauty.

For centuries,
our women were all covered up...

with mantillas, long dresses, veils.

So we, in self-defense,
have had to develop an instinct...

-for guessing what was underneath.
-I'll give you another appointment.

You're very charming, my dear,
and so easy to talk to.

You are a woman worth knowing.

What about next Friday at 5:00?

Wonderful! Where shall we meet?

This is for you and Dr. Winston.

I would like for us
to have dinner one of these nights...

with candlelight, soft guitars--

-Will you bring along your wife?
-My wife?

You would not like her. Nobody likes her.

Let's make it for next Friday,
after my appointment.

Señor Sanchez, I can't.
You're a married man.

This I cannot understand.

If I'm a married man, it is my problem.
What has it got to do with you?

I would not be prejudiced
if you were married.

Señor Sanchez, how are you?
Come. I can take you now.

I cannot take you now.

Miss Dickinson,
I'm sorry I ran out on you this morning.

-I managed.
-I knew you would.

You knew I would. I didn't know I would.
But I did. Rearranged all your appointments.

I told everyone you had to go
to your dentist. That made them happy.

I can always count on you in a jam.

If you don't need me anymore, Doctor,
I'm going home.

I'll get that.

Hello?

Don't worry. You'll meet her.

-Miss Dickinson.
-Yes, Doctor?

Are you in a hurry this evening?

Why, no, Doctor,
if there's anything I can do for you.

I thought maybe you'd like to come out
and have a drink with me.

What?

Are you asking me to go out?

Why? Is there somebody else in that closet?

I don't understand.

It's the most natural thing in the world
for a doctor to take his nurse out.

Yes, but I've been working
for you for almost 10 years...

and this is the first time
that you have ever invited me.

Better a little late than a little never.

And I suddenly realized that I have no
idea...

of what your life is like outside the office.

Tell me about Stephanie Dickinson, civilian.

-I don't know where to begin.
-That's a good place.

-I live in Jackson Heights.
-That much I know. Alone?

Yes. No. I live with my sister Anna
and her husband and their two boys...

and a bulldog named Max.

-Sounds cozy.
-Yes. I like large families.

And I help Anna with the cooking.

And after dinner I walk the dog, or I read...

watch television,
if there's a good documentary.

-And sometimes we play Monopoly.
-Monopoly. That's fun.

And my brother-in-law is very good at it,
but he cheats.

Then on Saturdays,
I take my two nephews to town.

We go to the zoo or the park.

What do you do on your vacation?

That's when I become a different person,
independent and adventurous.

-I saddle up my little Volvo.
-Volvo? That's a good car.

Yeah, it's second-hand.

I break away from everything
and go tooling up to Cape Cod.

-Alone?
-Yes. Just me, my paint box, and Max.

-Max?
-The dog.

For the two weeks, I wear blue jeans
and walk around barefoot...

and paint up a storm.

How about your personal life? I mean....

-You mean men?
-Yes.

At the moment, there are no men in my life.

But there have been?

Doctor, I'm no sex goddess,
but I haven't spent my life in a tree.

I was married when I was very young,
but it didn't work out.

Married? I had no idea.

Neither did he.

And once I was very much in love.
It lasted for a long time, but....

But?

He couldn't leave his wife.

Him, too.

What do you mean, "Him, too"?

Nothing. I was thinking of a similar case.

In this job, you don't meet anything
but married men.

I suppose all the single ones
have good teeth.

Frankly, I hadn't planned
on being an old maid.

An old maid? Nonsense.
You've got a long way to go.

I've been talking an awful lot
and I'm afraid I'll be late for dinner.

I'm glad we had this little talk.

You're a very rare person,
sensitive and generous.

I guess I'm all right.

I have a feeling that if I found myself
in trouble, I could count on you for help.

But you know that's true, Doctor.

But sometimes a problem comes up
that's so difficult that....

Why don't you try me?

Miss Dickinson,
you could do me a great service.

You see, I'm desperately in need of a wife.

-Doctor.
-Please don't misunderstand me.

I never expected--

I need a wife temporarily, 15 or 20 minutes.

15 or 20 minutes?

I'm telling all of this very badly.

Miss Dickinson,
I want someone to play the part of my wife.

Someone like me.

If only you would.
It wouldn't involve any, I mean....

All you have to do is tell a certain person
that you want a divorce.

You see, I've suddenly decided
to get married. I guess I didn't tell you.

No, you didn't tell me.

I have. Her name is Toni Simmons.

I'm supposed to give you a message.
She's alive.

That's only part of it.

See, my problem is
she thinks I'm already married.

Where could she have gotten such an idea?

At the time, I had my reasons.

But I'll straighten that out later.
At the moment, I have to dig up a wife.

Right now, stop digging
and tell the girl the truth. Good night.

I can't tell her anything now,
Miss Dickinson.

She's liable to....

She's so young and she's had a lot
of unfortunate experiences.

I'm the first decent man she's ever met.

Are you quoting her, or you?

Toni is a wonderful girl.

She won't get married
unless she meets my wife.

She's straightforward,
she doesn't want to be a housebreaker.

I mean, a house-wrecker. Isn't that sweet?

Just darling.

She works at Stereo Heaven in the Village.
And if you would go and meet her--

Doctor. I'm sorry. I hate lies.

No more than I do, Miss Dickinson,
no more than I.

But I don't know how to get out of this one.

My happiness lies in your two hands.

For years, these two hands
have held nothing but your instruments...

and your appointment book.

You've managed to handle your happiness
without any help from me.

And now you want to use me
in this contemptible way.

You just tricked me
into talking about myself so that....

What you did wasn't very nice, Doctor.
Not very nice at all.

You just can't get decent help these days.

I thought you were taking us
to the zoo today.

This is much better than the zoo.

Now, here, you go and buy yourselves
an ice cream.

I'll be over there in the record shop.
And I'll meet you here.

Good.

Don't you have this in mono?

It's been discontinued.

Let me look in the stockroom.
Maybe we still have a copy.

Can I help you?

No, thanks. Just browsing.

When do you expect
a recording of the Horowitz concert?

It should be in later this week.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

Looking for something in particular?

That Horowitz album,
if I order it now, will you mail it to me?

Most certainly.
May I have your name, please?

Mrs. Julian Winston.

And do you have an account with us?

No, but my husband does
a lot of business here.

Surely you remember my husband.

I may have assisted him sometime.

-I wouldn't be surprised.
-Pardon?

Maybe you didn't catch my name.
Mrs. Julian Winston.

Would you handle this?
My customer, I'll take care of this.

Sure.

Mrs. Winston, I'm Toni Simmons.
I suppose you came here to see me.

Dr. Winston, my husband,
said that you were most anxious to meet me.

Well, here I am.

Did he tell you about our plans?

The divorce. Naturally.

-Well, what?
-You don't mind?

The doctor and I are in complete agreement
about the divorce.

I can't tell you how good that makes me feel.

I really made your day.

You see, Mrs. Winston....

Call me Stephanie.

After all, I won't be Mrs. Winston
much longer.

-Then you do mind?
-Of course not.

Things between the doctor and me
have become impossible.

I can't tell you how good that makes me feel.

I'm glad.

May I ask you a question?

Are you absolutely sure
that you love Julian?

-Do I love him?
-Do you?

Madly. Wildly. Desperately.

As long as you're fond of him.

I don't want him to end up
bitter and unhappy.

I understand, especially after he had
such a terrible marriage.

It was not so terrible.
Our marriage, after all, lasted 10 years--

I notice you're not wearing a ring.

When something is over, it's over.

I just hope that you have better luck
with Julian than I did.

I'm sure I will.
There's just one thing that's bothering me.

I'll be happy to play this for you,
if you'll just come here.

Mrs. Winston,
who's going to tell the children?

-The children?
-It's going to be tough...

explaining such a horrible thing
to three young children.

Three.

We have to tell them.

Three.

I'll tell them.
Julian is no good at that sort of thing.

How will they take it?

They'll get used to it.

At least now I'll be able
to devote myself to them full-time.

I've been so busy
helping Julian with his work.

Of course, he does have a nurse.

I know. I hear Miss Dickinson is marvelous.

She is.

One of those sterling old maids,
probably madly in love with the boss.

Did Julian tell you that?

No, not exactly.
But one night when he was working late...

I suddenly got jealous of Miss Dickinson.

When I told him about it,
he just laughed and laughed.

-Have you ever been jealous of her?
-Not me.

Any woman who marries Julian
had better not be the possessive type.

I know Julian must have played around.

But after all,
when a man has a terrible marriage....

Don't keep saying that. I must go, really.

Mrs. Winston, you asked me a question,
and now I want to ask you one.

Are you absolutely sure
you don't love him anymore?

But of course I don't love him anymore.

But you can't leave a man after
so many years without feeling a little pain.

A man with whom you have shared
all normal, everyday things.

Worrying about his barber, his tailor.
Making sandwiches for him.

He's crazy about
chicken and egg salad sandwiches.

Buying his shirts, his pajamas,
his handkerchiefs...

looking after him. Planning for him.

A man who's all yours.

At least, almost all yours.

I don't know what has come over me.
I'm talking nonsense. It must be that music.

You will see that I get that Horowitz album?

Of course. Shall I charge it to Dr. Winston?

No, I'd better get used
to paying for things myself.

-You want it sent to your home address?
-Yes.

No. Send it to 975, Glenwood...

Jackson Heights, Apartment 3A.

You moved out?

Yes, I packed up everything, including
the children, and moved in with my sister.

I thought that was the best thing
for everybody.

Mrs. Winston!

What about your future?
What's going to become of you?

I'll just ride off into the sunset
or something.

It's just that I want to be sure
you're all right.

I'll write you every day.

I want you to know...

I think you're a very gracious,
charming, and very brave woman.

Thank you, my dear.

I thought it was Toni.

What if it had been?

I wanted to get my electric razor
out of her apartment.

Why would it be in there?

Because you can't slash your wrists
with an electric razor.

I took all her blades away from her.

I wish you'd butt out of my fiancée's life.

-"Fiancée." Now, look, dentist--
-Doctor.

Why don't you stop stringing the girl along?

You know you're not going to
leave your wife.

For your information, sir,
Toni and I are getting married.

-She didn't tell me.
-Why should she tell you?

That's a new towel. Hello, Julian.

I just heard the good news. Congratulations.

Thanks, Igor. It'll take a while yet.

But first there's the divorce.

We haven't gotten our divorce yet?

Would you give Tarzan here
his electric razor?

I'm sorry, Igor. I should have returned it.

So you haven't gotten the divorce yet?

I'd like to have you in my chair
for five minutes.

Thanks.

Next time, don't come
calling in that outfit.

You want me to get all dressed up to shave?

How come you're so late?

Julian, I had a visitor at the shop
this afternoon. Your wife.

She came?

She was magnificent. Handled herself
beautifully. She's a real lady.

I don't marry just anybody.
Then everything is all cleared up?

Julian, you lied to me.

What? Never!
What did she tell you? I deny it.

You may not be aware of it yourself, Julian,
but your wife still loves you.

I'm telling you, your wife still loves you.

Now, did she or did she not tell you
that she agrees to a divorce?

But she's only doing it to make you happy.

She's crazy about you.
Anybody can see that.

Toni, let's stay calm.

Tell me what the damn fool....
What my wife said.

It's not what she said,
it's what she didn't say.

All right, tell me what she didn't say.
Word for word.

It was the way she talked about you...

and your barber, and your shirts,
and your handkerchiefs.

I got all choked up.

And she mentioned
those chicken and egg salad sandwiches.

You mean to say that she bragged
about her damn sandwiches?

She didn't brag.
She just told me she made them.

It sounded as if they were made with love.

They were made with mayonnaise.
And too much mayonnaise.

And next time she gives me one...

I'm going to smack her
across the mouth with it.

Julian! There's a very cruel streak in you.

-This fine woman who--
-"This fine woman"?

Suddenly you're my wife's lawyer.

Toni, you wanted to see her. I fixed it.

-That was a mistake.
-Great.

Maybe if I never met her....
But I did meet her, and I liked her.

Especially after I saw her with the children.

The children? She brought the children?

They were waiting for her across the street.
Not the little girl, just the two boys.

Must be those damn nephews.

Incidentally, how old is Peter?

Peter, that's your older boy, isn't it?

Yes, that's Peter all right.

Let's see, how old would he be now?

You told me he was eight.

-If that's what I told you.
-He looks more like 12 to me.

Yes, no...

it's the younger boy who's eight. Peter is
12.

That's very interesting considering
you've only been married 10 years.

Come on, Julian, the truth.

All right.

The truth is that
Peter was a premature baby.

He was born before we were married.

I'm glad. That confirms everything.

How's that?

Here's a woman who gave herself to you
before you were married.

That proves it was true love.

For God's sake, Toni.

And I'd feel guilty if I did anything to....

Toni, I told you
that she wants the divorce as much as I do.

And for a very good reason.

What good reason?

Oh, boy!

Another guy.

Your wife? Another man?
I'd be very much surprised.

Toni, that's the type of thing
a man with a normal ego wouldn't lie about.

Maybe you're right.

Knowing the fact
that you've been cheated on...

that your wife did that,
makes it all seem nicer somehow.

Just as long as you're happy.

Why shouldn't she have a boyfriend?
You have a mistress.

You nut.

Julian, if we're going
to dinner and a movie--

Why don't we stay in tonight
and scramble something?

I don't think we ought to do this anymore.

-What?
-Now that you're getting a divorce...

we ought to be more careful.
We wouldn't want this to get messy.

Of course not. But, baby--

It's only for six weeks
while your wife goes to Reno.

Reno? I'm going to send her to Mexico
for one of those quickie divorces.

In, out, finished, bingo.

-Do you think he'll marry her?
-Who?

Your wife's boyfriend.

I don't know. Maybe.
Who cares?

I'm curious. What's he like?
What does he do?

I haven't the slightest idea.
I don't know him.

Wouldn't you like to meet him?
Sort of look him over?

Toni, you're getting that look
in your eye again.

Two, please.

Julian, this man may become
your children's stepfather...

maybe he'll rob your wife,
exploit or beat her.

-You have to arrange for us to meet him.
-No.

All right, I'll do it myself.
Now that I know her, I'll just call her.

No, you mustn't!

Julian, if you won't do this
one little thing for me....

No!

No!

But it's such a little thing.
All we have to do is find a man--

No!

And now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to develop some x-rays.

I'm afraid I threw this boyfriend thing
at you too quickly.

-I'll get rid of Mrs. Durant and then--
-It won't do you any good.

Boy, you're getting as prickly
as your damn cactus.

What's going on out there
between you two?

Nothing in particular.

Don't try to fool me, Doc.
I have a very good nose for sexual tension.

That's very funny, Mrs. Durant. Very funny.

Open.

-You'll ruin the x-rays.
-Listen, before the next patient--

You listen to me.
You asked me to pose as your wife.

It was preposterous but I did it beautifully.

You did it too beautifully.
Toni thinks you still love me.

-Me?
-Not you, my wife.

How could she get
a ridiculous notion like that?

-From you.
-Nonsense.

I behaved like a dignified, civilized,
willing-to-be-divorced wife.

Naturally, I couldn't take my situation
lightly since there were children involved.

Why did you have to bring them?
That's what choked her up.

I take my nephews out on Saturdays.
If I can't spend my weekends as I see fit...

me and my cactus will be glad to resign.

You know I can't get along without you.

-Of course I do.
-You must help me...

not only as a friend, as a nurse.
It's your professional duty.

Professional.

My problems with Toni
are beginning to affect my work.

You know what happened now?
I hurt Mrs. Durant. She felt pain.

It's the first time in my life
I've hurt a patient.

Too bad it wasn't Harvey Greenfield.

You played the part of my wife once
and you enjoyed it.

-Admit it. You did enjoy it.
-Yes. It wasn't too bad.

All right. Now here's your chance
to play a return engagement.

No actress quits after one performance.

So I lose a husband and gain a lover?
At least I don't feel completely abandoned.

Good, wonderful. All we have to do is
to find someone to play your boyfriend.

What about Señor Sanchez?
He keeps sniffing around me.

What about your brother-in-law,
the dirty Monopoly player?

You want me to act the part...

and now you want me
to furnish my own props?

I need a boyfriend, you find me one.

-That's not going to be easy.
-Excellent.

I mean, we have to find someone
I know I can trust.

Am I late?

As a matter of fact, Harvey,
you're just in time.

Not him.

What's going on here?

Boy, does she hate me.

You're wrong about that.

Harvey, how would you like
to have your girl's teeth fixed for free?

-I thought you'd never show up.
-You mean, you hoped.

Right this way, Mr. Greenfield.

Why did you choose this place?

-It's the new in spot.
-I never heard of it.

Nobody has. That's why it's so popular.

What'll you have to drink?

Let's go all out and have champagne.

-Very good, madame.
-Domestic.

-Now, where are they?
-They'll be here.

You look different
when you're all dressed up.

In the office,
you sort of look like a large Band-Aid.

Mr. Greenfield,
I couldn't care less what you think of me.

I'm supposed to be your lover, remember?
That's the reason you're getting a divorce.

So let's act a little crazy
about me, shall we?

-Your hand.
-What about my hand?

-It's on my knee.
-Sorry, I thought it was mine.

Shall we dance?

I'd rather walk on hot coals.

This is going to be a smashing evening.

I didn't know they made champagne
in Idaho.

There.

-Drink up. It'll make me look better to you.
-There isn't that much wine in the world.

-To our love affair.
-God forbid.

There they are.

-Quick.
-Quick what?

Act natural, romantic. Flirt with me.

You want me to act natural
and flirt with you at the same time?

You really are a louse.

A scotch and water
and a scotch and soda, please.

Julian, don't look now, but it's your wife.

My wife? Nonsense.

No, I'm sure that's her
over there with that man.

Yes, that's my wife, all right.
And with her boyfriend.

What do you know about that?

This is embarrassing.

You insisted on seeing him.

I know, but now I feel like a spy. Let's go.

As long as we're here,
how do you know that's her boyfriend?

Who else could it be? Besides, look at them.

They act very affectionate.

Yes, they do.

I thought she only played Monopoly.

Go easy on that stuff.
I'm not sure I can pay for it.

Don't worry.

Dr. Winston gave me money
to pay for the check.

Thank you.

I don't think they've noticed us.

We'd better push things a bit. Let's dance.

-But when I asked you before--
-Shut up and dance.

She dances, too.

Everything about your wife
seems to surprise you.

It's been so long
since we've really communicated.

Come on, I want to look at them closer.

-Your hand!
-Look, I'm only human.

Barely.

-Sorry.
-Hello, Julian.

Talk about coincidence.

-Good evening.
-Good evening.

-I want you to meet my--
-Hi, honey.

-I'm Harvey Greenfield, the boyfriend.
-Harvey, this is my husband.

Good to meet you, old man.
I've heard a lot about you.

-Join us for a drink?
-No.

After all, we are civilized people...

unless, of course,
you two prefer to be alone.

Hell, no. I mean, we are civilized people.

Why don't you come to our table?
This party's on me.

-What do you think of him?
-Ask me later.

It's strange to see you in a nightclub.
I didn't realize you were such a swinger.

You never really knew me, my dear.

Can we have some more glasses
over here, please?

Julian thinks of me as a homebody...

because of all the years
I was trapped by the children.

Of course.

-By the way, Mr. Greenfield.
-Yes?

How do you like children?

Barbecued.

That's the kind of joke made by a man
who is trying to hide his feelings.

Deep down, I know you really love children.

-Deep down.
-Yeah. Deep down.

Yes, especially yours. I'm nuts about them.

Mr. Greenfield,
what kind of work do you do?

I don't work for a living, honey, I'm an
actor.

Why don't you pour the wine?

An actor?
Isn't that a very insecure profession?

Only financially.

That's quite a girl you've got there, Julian.

I hear it's going to happen very soon
between you two.

-As soon as we can make it.
-I hardly think it's the moment--

Come on, now, Toni.
We have nothing to hide from these people.

It's all in the family.

Stephanie and I have nothing to hide
from each other either.

-Please change the subject.
-Look at her blushing. Isn't she cute?

-Really, Harvey--
-She acts cold in public.

But when we're alone together, boy.

I forgot you knew her as well as I do.
She's absolutely--

-Let's all have another drink.
-The party's dying.

There you are, Harvey.
I'm sorry I'm late, honey.

Hello, everybody.

Won't you sit down?

No, she doesn't want to.
We have to talk now. It's business.

Did we have a date, or didn't we?

Please excuse us.
She's the daughter of my TV sponsors.

-Silly debutante. I'll be right back.
-What are you trying--

Quiet, or you'll be stuck with your old
teeth.

Would you excuse me, please?
I'll go and powder my nose.

-Do you want me to go with you?
-No, dear. I'm all right.

-What's wrong?
-He's a bum.

-I wouldn't say that.
-You didn't catch it...

but earlier I saw her slip some money to him
under the table.

-That doesn't mean anything.
-Did you get a load of that girl?

I wasn't paying much attention.

When she bent over it looked like she had
her knees up inside her dress.

I could give you a dozen explanations,
but you might as well know the real one.

-I'm a member of the CIA.
-The CIA?

-I thought you were a television actor.
-That's my cover.

So if you ever see me in public
with another girl...

you must pretend not to know me
or it could put my life in great danger.

I wouldn't want to do that.

It doesn't matter what we think of him.
It's my wife who loves him.

Loves him?
Didn't you see how humiliated she was?

What do you want me to do about it?

We have got to save her from that man.

Toni, the man probably had
a little too much to drink.

Why do you keep defending him?

I'm angry enough
because you were so chummy with him.

Julian, my respect for you
is going down every minute.

Is the party still going on?

Not for you, Mr. Greenfield.

-I don't like the way you treated my wife.
-A joke's a joke.

I don't like the way
you acted with my girl either.

I want you to leave quietly
and never see my wife again.

-Or my children.
-Wait a minute, buster.

If I hear you've bothered Stephanie again,
I'll knock all your teeth out.

You'll just have to put them back in again.

Get out!

I guess that'll take care of him.

You know, Julian, I've never seen you
being so physical before.

-You were beautiful.
-It was nothing.

What do you say we go over to your place
where we can be alone?

I'd like that.

I am a little tired, so I think I'll go home.
If you'll excuse me.

You're going home alone?
Without an escort?

I'm used to that.

-Thank you. Good night.
-Good night.

Mrs. Winston, wait.

Julian can drop me off
and then drive you home.

-No, I couldn't do that.
-He'd be glad to. Won't you, dear?

-It's all settled.
-Thank you, Toni.

It's been so long since Julian and I
have gone home together.

You're a great little fixer.

I'll dump her in Jackson Heights
and come back to your place.

No, Julian, not tonight. Stay with her.

Are you out of your mind?
What'll I do with her?

-You're going to be very nice.
-Now, wait a minute--

Very nice, to please me.

Doctor, I know how anxious you are
to dump me and get back to Toni--

-I'm not going back there.
-You're not going back?

Toni thought you looked
so sad and humiliated...

-she told me to stay with you.
-Stay with me?

Let us get our stories straight.

As far as Toni's concerned, are we
supposed to have spent the night together?

I've thought the whole thing over
and I've decided to tell the truth.

Good for you.

I'll buy her a nice present, tell the truth,
then we'll get married.

-Then everything is fine.
-No, it isn't.

When she finds out that I've been lying...

she'll do something desperate.
It's all your fault.

You loused me up.
Harvey was trying his best there.

You didn't have to put on that act
about being humiliated.

-That was no act. I was humiliated.
-You have this hang-up about men...

that forces you to destroy
any possible relationship.

That's really what caused you
to hate Harvey.

No one needs a reason for hating Harvey.

You completely de-feminize yourself.

I've noticed it around the office
and around me.

Doctor, I was hired as a nurse-receptionist,
not as a geisha girl.

You're afraid. Afraid of emotion,
afraid of intimacy, afraid to live.

If you call that living, the way
you carry on, then you're right.

I'm only telling you this for your own good.

Funny how whenever
people hurt your feelings...

they're always doing it for your own good.

Turn right at the next corner.

-Hi, Igor.
-Hi. You got Aïda with Callas?

Sure. I haven't heard your typewriter
the last few days.

I'm too depressed to work.

Sometimes I wish
my mother had taken the pill.

What's your problem, a girl?

No, I've outgrown that stuff.
Sex is for teenagers.

I seem to need something else.
I don't know what.

I know exactly how you feel.

-Can I read your play sometime?
-Yeah, it'd be nice if somebody did.

I'd like that very much.

-Want me to put it in a sack?
-No, I'll listen to it here.

Do you always stand up there like that?

Nobody around here looks.
Most of our customers are classical.

-What are you doing here?
-My lunch hour, I brought you a present.

A present?
It isn't even my birthday or anything.

Open it.

Let's go in the back.

-I wonder what could be in here.
-Guess.

-Black leather slacks.
-Can't you think bigger than that?

What could be bigger
than black leather slacks? I give up.

A mink stole!

And a card, too.

"Your next appointment is on...."

"As ever, Julian." How sweet.

Aren't you going to try it on?

A mink stole.

Okay, Julian, what are you trying to tell me?

What makes you think
I'm trying to tell you anything?

You're not a stingy man, Julian...

but you're not the last
of the big-time spenders, either.

As a matter of fact, there was something
that I wanted to tell you.

-It's about me and my....
-Your wife?

-I get the message.
-You do?

Last night, you and she....
For old times' sake.

That's absurd.

Julian, don't apologize.

After all, it was I who told you
to be nice to her.

Of course, it was up to you
to decide how nice.

Look, Toni, it's nothing like that.

You see, the fact is, Stephanie is....

-Yes?
-Miss Simmons.

Would you step in here
for a moment, please?

Yes, Mr. Shirley.

May I ask what's going on here?

This gentleman is looking for a stereo
to match the color of his wife's mink.

When I think how many nuts
are running around loose in this town....

Carry on.

Now, go ahead.
You were saying, "Stephanie is...."

Yes, you see, Stephanie....

Come on, Julian, let's have it. You know me.

I can forgive anything but a lie.

Forget it.

Let me help you.
You have a problem with Stephanie, right?

-Never mind.
-Let's see, she drinks?

No.

-She's a kleptomaniac?
-No.

She takes acid?

There's only one other thing...

I know a man would really be ashamed
to talk about.

Stephanie is no nymphomaniac.

I guessed it?
That's what you came here to tell me?

Go ahead, give me all the details.

What can I tell you? Except my wife,
Stephanie, is a slave to her desires.

That's a very sweet way
of describing a nympho.

You can imagine what my life has been like.

Julian, you've got to take the children
away from her immediately.

Why? It's not catching.

You've got to fight her for custody.

Come to think of it,
the children don't look much like you.

The whole thing is too painful to talk about.

You poor darling.
When I think of that awful woman....

What am I saying?
She's not an awful woman.

She's marvelous. I admire her courage.

Now that the whole ugly story is out...

we'll never mention her name again.

You know what I was doing
when you arrived?

Sending Stephanie a present.
She likes Horowitz.

What's her address in Jackson Heights?

Why don't you send it to the office?
Miss Dickinson will forward it.

What do you mean by that? I'll see you later.

This time I was dressed.

What have you got there?

It's a mink. From Julian.

My Aunt Bertha has one just like it.

Yeah, I know. I wanted black leather slacks.

Poor Julian.
He thought this would please me.

It's a throwback to the days when a hunter
would give his wife dead animal skins.

Wonder how many minks Julian has killed?

That's very unkind, Igor.

When I think of all the women
who would do anything for this...

and here I am, not really wanting it.

Igor, this is my chance to do a good deed.

I was going to send his wife those records.
I'll send her this mink instead.

-Oh, boy.
-What's wrong? She'll love it.

Mrs. Winston will never accept
a mink stole from you.

Where's that card?

"As ever, Julian."

That should do it.

Anyway, it's just sort of a care package.

Toni, you're a kook.

But a nice kook.

Señor Sanchez, but you're 10 minutes early.

Imagine, Arturo Sanchez
being early for the dentist.

-It is a new man, no?
-It certainly is.

And today, I hurried to get here.
Do you know why?

-El Bravo rides again.
-Yes.

The cowardly fear of the dentist
has been completely overcome...

by the desire to see
the lovely, delicious Miss Dickinson.

-I'll tell Dr. Winston you're here.
-Wait. Do not call him yet.

Tell me, have you ever been
to a diplomatic ball?

Me? It's a little out of my line.

Tonight there'll be such a function
at the Waldorf.

It'll be boring, unless you will do me
the honor of accompanying me.

-What about your wife?
-Must we take my wife everywhere?

Besides, she's spending a week
at a fat farm.

Thank you, but I rarely go out on weekdays.
I don't have the kind of clothes--

I can buy you anything.
In a Swiss bank, I have $20 million.

It's nice of you to ask me, but I'm afraid
not.

I must warn you,
the men in my family are very persistent.

For 200 years after Columbus, we persisted
in thinking that the world was flat.

Package for Mrs. Winston.

Yes, I'll take it.

I didn't know Dr. Winston was married.

It's always a shock
when it happens to someone you know.

We're running low on acrylic cement.
I wish you'd reorder it.

Yes, Doctor. I already did yesterday.

The firing squad. No blindfold.

Doctor, this package just arrived
for Mrs. Winston.

Yes, that's a present for you.

-For me? From whom?
-One of your fans.

"As ever, Julian."

For me.

From Julian.

Miss Dickinson, the patient's x-rays, please.

Yes, Doctor.

Doctor, I'm so overwhelmed.

That present....
I don't know how to thank you.

Don't thank me.

Who else?
And that lovely card, "As ever, Julian."

What?

Yes, of course.

I wanted to get you something
that I thought you'd like.

After all, you've put up
with a lot from me, lately.

I never dreamed....
I never expected anything like this.

It's all right, if you like Horowitz.

Horowitz? Must be the name of the furrier.

Miss Dickinson,
these are Harvey Greenfield's x-rays.

I'm so sorry, Doctor.

What is it, Doctor?

Is there something wrong with my x-ray?

You know how nervous I am.

Hello, Anna. Listen, I want you to run over
to Lucille's dress shop.

There's an evening dress there.
I want you to buy it for me.

I need it tonight. I'm going to a ball.

Doctor, you can tell me the truth.

It is an abscess?

The nerve is dead?

All my teeth have to go?

Doctor, talk to me, please.

What is she? Your dearest friend?

Do you realize how much I paid
for that mink?

Boy, you're never going to stop
nagging me about it.

You're beginning to sound
just like a husband.

A square husband.

-Hi. You said you wanted to read my play.
-Thanks, Igor.

What are you doing for dinner tonight?

That depends.
What have you got in your refrigerator?

We're going out for dinner.
You want to come with us?

I'm sure Igor would be very bored.

No, not if you're paying for it.
I'll put on a tie.

Why? Are you having your beads re-strung?

I thought we were going to have
a quiet little dinner?

-Igor's very depressed.
-There's a lot of that going around now.

Why'd we come back here?

It's the one place
we won't bump into Dr. Winston.

Why don't you want to bump into
Dr. Winston?

Let me put it to you this way: Shut up.

Hello, Harvey. How are you?

How am I? I'm sore as hell, that's how I am.

I don't blame you, but listen--

You treated me like I was dirt
and you were Mr. Clean.

Look, I'm having a rough time.

As long as I was lying to her,
everything was fine.

The minute I decided to do the right thing
and marry her, I've had only troubles.

-You wouldn't believe the complications.
-Tough.

It's like waltzing in wet cement.

I haven't even been able
to spend one night alone with her.

I'd better get back, Harvey,
before she sees us together.

If you work for the CIA,
how come you hang around with dentists?

He's installing a miniature radio transmitter
in my wisdom tooth.

What were you doing
talking to that awful man?

I was getting lonesome
for the sound of a human voice.

-Can I have another glass of beer?
-Not yours.

Why did we have to come here tonight?

After what happened last time...

it's the one place
we're sure not to run into your wife.

This is very interesting.
What made you suggest this?

It's the one place
we're sure not to run into my boss.

Thank you, Arturo. The ball was marvelous.

No, you were marvelous.
What shall we drink?

Let's have some of that
crazy Idaho champagne.

Look at that.

I can hardly believe that's Stephanie.

It is. I recognize the mink.

That gown is absolute poetry.
Everybody at the ball was staring at it.

It's a copy of a copy.

But a girl like you
should have nothing but originals.

In a Swiss bank, I have $20 million--

Didn't take her long to find somebody else.

-Let me in on this? Who is that woman?
-Julian's wife.

Not bad, Julian.

-Matter of fact, she's very attractive.
-Thank you.

Say, Igor, I didn't know
you went for the older ones.

Look who's talking.

-There's Dr. Winston.
-Where?

Oh, dear, it seems
I just can't get away from that man.

Would you like to leave?

No. Let's ignore him.
After all, my evenings are my own.

-What about your weekends?
-They belong to my nephews.

I see.

El Bravo, you're not going to give up
that easily, are you?

Of course not.

Did I tell you the time I played
a whole game of polo with a broken leg?

No, tell me about it.

Isn't that the woman from the other night?

-I do believe you're right.
-Who is she?

That's the dentist's wife.

-Who's that with the dentist?
-That's his fiancée.

-He has a wife and a fiancée?
-It's better than having two wives.

-Then who's the man with Mrs. Winston?
-Her new boyfriend.

Who's the guy with Dr. Winston
and his girl?

-That must be her boyfriend.
-I think the whole thing is shocking.

Shall we?

-Look at them dancing.
-You're not jealous, are you?

She shouldn't leave her mink lying around.
Someone might take it.

-It's her mink now.
-Come on, let's dance.

-Here we are again.
-Good evening, Doctor.

Good evening, patient.

You're certainly blossoming out.

Doctor, you once compared me
to my cactus plant.

Ever so often, that prickly little thing,
puts out a flower that some people think--

Miss Dickinson, I strongly disapprove
of you making dates with patients.

Really? Then how come
you fixed me up with Harvey?

Look at them acting so damn polite.
They're all rotten.

What do you want them to do,
kick each other?

Rotten.

No, Julian, like this.

That looks like fun. Let us try it.

That's it, Stephanie.

I've got it.

-Hi, Sergeant.
-Hi, Harv.

Boy, you're terrific.

They've lost me. You go dance with her.

Cheer up. One of these days
the fox trot may come back.

-Hi, Igor.
-Introduce us.

Mrs. Winston, this is Igor Sullivan.
That's not his real name, of course.

Of course.

-What is that?
-The uptight.

-What is this?
-The boogaloo.

What's that?

-A new step.
-What's it called?

The dentist.

-Are you sulking again?
-I got bored dancing with Señor Sanchez.

Thank you, Igor.

I should have brought my wife.

You must feel as if
you were dancing with your mother.

-Quiet, I'm enjoying this.
-So am I.

Then relax. Let's not get neurotic about age.

-You're a very sexy lady.
-An old sexy lady.

Good. Let's run away
and live on your social security.

I must say that Igor of yours
is a pretty vulgar dancer.

What do you mean, Igor? She's the one
that's plastering herself against him.

When I think of all I've done for her....

Did you see that?
He just kissed her on the neck.

-She sure likes a lot of action.
-Yes, she does, doesn't she?

Right now,
she's surrounded by her husband...

her ex-boyfriend, her current boyfriend,
and maybe her future boyfriend.

If somebody doesn't stop that guy...

he's gonna make love to her
right in the middle of the floor.

Igor, our song.

Let's get out of here.

Wait. Maybe I shouldn't leave her alone
when she's like this.

Leave her alone?

That's some talk
for a man who's planning a divorce.

Make sure that gets home all right.

Rotten.

Everything you told me about your wife
certainly was true.

-She's not a lady. She's a barracuda.
-I don't care to discuss it anymore.

Look at that. Some poor schnook
is getting his car towed away.

Wait a minute, that's my car!
Come back here!

Here.

-Good morning, Doctor.
-That's how you're coming to work?

-I didn't have time to go home.
-Where were you all night?

It's all a blur. A beautiful, blurry blur.

When you left the club, you were already
doing fairly well, blurry-wise.

We didn't really get started
until after you left.

I'm sure that must have helped.

Everybody got to know everybody...

and about 3:00 we were invited
to this big bash.

-A "bash"?
-A party.

In this pad on Waverly Place.

Did you ever have a gin and tonic
made with tequila?

-No, thank you. Tequila and tonic?
-No.

You substitute the tequila.

No, you substitute the tonic for the tequila.

-The tequila for the tonic?
-Yes, they call it--

-Gin and tequila?
-Yes. They call it the Mexican Measles.

"Missile."

And they tell me it prevents malaria.

You know what I've done?
I've created a monster.

No, Dr. Frankenstein,
this is no creation of yours, this is me.

Experiencing new things.
Things that I've never done before.

And having a hell of a good time.

So you stayed there all night
fighting malaria?

-No, we went to the beach.
-The beach?

Yes, we wanted fresh air,
so we drove out to Coney Island.

It's lovely there at dawn.

Nobody around.
We sat there and watched the sun come up.

You sat on the beach
in your new mink stole?

A little sand won't hurt it.

I had to lie on something.

Wait a minute. You said you were sitting.
Were you sitting or lying?

A little of this and a little of that.

You should have come with us.

There wouldn't have been room for all of us
on the mink.

Anyway, I'm sure you prefer to be with Toni.

Toni? I forgot all about her.

What's the matter?

I left her standing outside the discotheque.

I hope she had sense enough to go home.

It's just not practical to keep one in the
city.

-A girl?
-No, a car.

I didn't wake you, did I?

I just wanted to make sure
you got home all right.

No, I didn't get it.

First, I went to the police station.

And they told me
to try this garage on the East Side.

When I got there,
they told me to try the West Side.

And when I got there, it was closed.
I couldn't find a cab so I had to walk home.

I should have listened to my mother
and become an MD.

Then they let you park anywhere.

Okay. You go back to bed.
I'll see you tonight. Bye.

-Did she get home all right?
-Yes, which is more than I can say for you.

My cactus.

-It's blooming!
-Never mind that.

What about your night of debauchery
with Señor Sanchez?

Señor Sanchez?
Whoever said anything about him?

We lost him early in the evening.

-"We"? Who's "we"?
-Igor and I.

You mean, you spent the night
with that hippie?

You're wrong about Igor.
He's sensitive and sincere and very poetic.

Poetic? I saw him kiss you on the neck.

He's also very friendly.

There's no such thing
as a friendly kiss on the neck.

It's grotesque, a woman your age
throwing yourself at a kid like that.

What about that
father-and-daughter thing of yours?

-That's ridiculous.
-It's different with a man.

When a man's with a younger woman,
it looks appropriate.

-But when it's the other way around--
-You go to your church and I'll go to mine.

It wasn't easy for me to do
what I did last night.

Every time I felt shaky, I thought about you.

It was obvious you were thinking of me.

Thinking about all those terrible things
you said to me.

I was determined
to make up for the time I'd lost.

And I intend to keep on doing it.

And now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to take an Alka-Seltzer.

I don't mind saying I'm disappointed in you,
Miss Dickinson. Very disappointed.

Doctor, you were the one who said that
I was discouraging men.

Stifling my femininity.

But the first time an attractive young man
pays attention to me, you go to pieces.

If I didn't know you so well,
I'd almost swear you're jealous.

Jealous? Of you?
Come now, Miss Dickinson.

I think it's very bad taste when,
under my eyes and the eyes of my fiancée...

my wife puts on an indecent,
immoral exhibition...

with someone young enough to be her son.

All right, look,
so you had a little fling last night.

Nobody's knocking it. After all,
there was no harm done. Was there?

Why don't you just ask me
if I went to bed with him?

Did you go to bed with him?

It's none of your business.

What happened out there on my mink stole?
I mean, the beach? I want to know.

By what right?

A husband's right.
Let me remind you you're still my wife!

No more! I want a divorce!

-After all the years of misery I've had.
-Years of misery?

All those mornings when I came in
and found hairpins on the couch...

lipstick on mouthwash glasses.

You've been spying on me?
All right, you want to play rough...

I'll tell the world about your drunkenness,
your wild parties...

your orgies on the beach!

You want a divorce?
It's I who wants a divorce!

I'll call the Registry
and have them send another nurse.

Give this to your child-concubine.

If you walk out now,
don't bother to come back!

Don't worry, Doctor,
you won't see me again.

That goes for the children, too!

How late were you out with her?

I thought you came here
to talk about my play?

I'll wait till they make it into a movie.

I have a right to know what went on.
She's my fiancé's wife.

I'd rather not discuss the lady.

I happen to know this particular lady
swings with anybody.

Then I guess I'm not anybody.

You mean, nothing?

She didn't want to?

-Maybe I didn't want to.
-I doubt that.

I saw the way you kissed her neck
like Dracula.

All we did was dance a lot,
drink a lot, talk a lot.

-About what?
-About my work, about myself.

It isn't often I find a woman
I enjoy talking to.

Are you implying you can't talk to me?

Come to think of it, I can't.
You're always talking...

and it's always about your troubles
with that tooth jockey.

Julian is a fine man
and much too good for his wife.

You ought to know what I know.

I know what I know. She's a hell of a dame.

She's good-looking, smart,
warm, very appealing.

Then you did want to!

For God's sake, why don't you act your age?

Or rather, don't act your age.

-Dracula, it's for you.
-Toni, I want to talk to you.

-Hi. How's your head today?
-Which one?

-Igor, do you mind if I talk to--
-Of course not.

-Wait a minute, I live here.
-You can wait in my place.

And I used to worry about you.

That's what caused all the trouble.

-You and Igor, that child.
-I didn't come here to talk about Igor.

-I want to talk about Julian and me.
-All right. Are you keeping him?

Or can you spare him? I want to know.

There's something you must know.
I'm going straight to the point.

I have no patience with people
that shilly-shally about these things.

Julian and I....

My God, it isn't as easy as I thought.

I think I can guess. You're pregnant.

Pregnant? Whatever gave you that idea?

The night Julian took you home.

-Why not? You're still Mrs. Winston.
-I am not Mrs. Winston.

I'm Miss Dickinson.

But you?

The old maid?

That's ridiculous.

-That's what I think. I hate to be the one--
-Wait a minute. Let's not get excited.

-You're Miss Dickinson, his nurse, right?
-Right.

Then, who's Mrs. Winston?

But there is no Mrs. Winston.
Julian isn't married.

Never has been.

This is a trick, isn't it?

You're trying to confuse me,
so I'll do something.

You'll get to keep him for yourself,
along with Harvey, Igor...

and that South American. He lied to me.

I'm sorry, Toni.

I know this is a shock for anyone.

Even greater for someone
with your youth and idealism, but--

That dirty son of a bitch.

-That's one way of looking at it.
-Toni, wait.

-Toni, Julian loves you.
-Then why did he lie like that?

He isn't bad. He's just a little weak.

A weak man, but a strong liar.

When I think of all those
thousands of details...

the little things he told me
about his married life and children.

-Igor, why don't--
-What are we playing, Odd Man Out?

Damn it, I've been swindled!

Toni, Julian is marrying you.

A lot of girls would leap at such a swindle.

I know you're expecting Julian,
I don't want to run into him.

How come you suddenly decided
to un-mess this mess?

Let's say Miss Dickinson's
a very conscientious nurse...

and likes to tidy up before she goes.

Sooner or later,
Julian is going to break down...

and tell you the truth on his own.

Please help him.

Accept him.

A man who lies cannot love.

That sounds like
something out of a fortune cookie.

Dirty, married bachelor.

What did you want?

-What's this all about?
-Never mind. Kiss me again.

Okay, but after this one,
I want a complete explanation.

-Is that Julian?
-What if it is?

I don't know what your game is,
but you'll not use me.

I'm getting out of here.

-How? He's right outside the door.
-Easy.

I thought you'd never answer.
What were you doing?

Getting rid of my lover.

Come on, Toni. Please, not tonight.

Tonight I need all your help
and understanding.

What do you mean?

I have something to tell you and it's tough.

You've come to tell me the truth.

Don't worry, darling.
If you've come to tell me the truth....

You are going to tell me the truth?

Go ahead, sweetheart.
I promise everything will be all right.

Thanks, my love. You're just marvelous.

This isn't going to be easy. But here it is.

My wife, Stephanie,
has changed her mind about the divorce.

Try to remain calm, dear.
It was a blow to me, too.

You poor man.

Now, let's see if I can get this straight.

Your wife suddenly refuses
to give you a divorce?

-It's hard to believe, isn't it?
-Very. When did she tell you this?

This morning. I fought like a tiger.
I pleaded with her.

I offered her everything:
the house, money, the car, more money.

But she and her lawyer say no.

You can divorce her.
You have grounds, all those lovers.

I can't because of the children,
and she knows it.

So she's got us over a barrel.
I'm absolutely sick about it.

What happens to me now?

-We'll go on seeing each other as before.
-Good.

We'll manage to snatch
a few scraps of happiness from life.

-It's a compromise, I know, but--
-Well, if that's the way it has to be....

Baby, how wonderfully well you're taking it.

You'll see,
we'll be even happier than before.

It's not such a bad arrangement.

It's fair. You'll still have your wife, and
me...

and I'll still have you and Igor.

But you said you were just friends.

You were lying to me?

I'm ashamed to admit it.
I know you hate the thought of a lie.

Come on, Toni.
You're just putting me on, aren't you?

What's that for?

That's our signal that the coast is clear
and he can come over.

If I thought for one moment
that you and he....

You realize if he walks through that door,
it's all finished between us?

I realize that.

You called me?

What are you doing
coming through the window like that?

Can't expect me
to come through the hall like that.

-Julian, don't feel too bad about this.
-I'll be fine, Toni.

You broke up my home.

You took me away from my wife.
You alienated me from my children.

But, thank God,
I still have one thing left: my integrity.

Now, would you mind letting me in on this?

Igor, why don't you have dinner
with me tonight?

Okay. I'll put some clothes on.

You don't have to go to all that trouble
just for me.

I thought you quit.

I came to pick up my cactus.

What are you doing in the office
on a Saturday?

Last night I had 12 Mexican Missiles.
This is where I splashed down.

Is everything all right
between you and Toni?

Yes. Things are all straightened out.

And I might add,
without your help and interference.

I'm so happy for you.

I'm not very happy for me.
Toni and I have split up.

What?

I went to see her and I told her
that you wouldn't agree to a divorce.

-Very clever.
-What's so funny?

Nothing, except that I went and told her
that we weren't married.

-Why'd you do that?
-I thought I'd fix things.

At least somebody would get
what he wanted.

You just can't stop making
chicken and egg sandwiches.

Why did you have to go there and lie?

Because it was the only way
I could get out of marrying her.

Don't you want to marry her?

No. It's always been a mistake,
and when I caught her with Igor, I knew it.

But she thinks Igor is a child.

I know. I saw him come through the window
with a diaper on.

He made me feel like an idiot.
I got out as fast as I could.

Now I understand
why you went out and got drunk.

You don't understand.
You see, when I left there, I was angry.

Absolutely furious. Homicidal.

-So you killed a quart of tequila?
-Please stop interrupting.

I was sore as hell at Toni...

and then suddenly it was like magic.

My anger disappeared and
I suddenly felt a delicious sense of relief.

I said to myself,
"Julian, thank God, at last you're out of it.

"Now you can go home to your wife."

I bounced down the stairs,
singing to myself...

and I suddenly remembered I had no wife.

When I got home, there'd be nobody.

When I got back to the office,
you wouldn't be here either.

So you hung one on. It's marvelous....

That's very nice, Doctor.

Doctor.

I think I'm going to kiss you.

When will you know for sure?

I plan to do this often.

I'll make a note to remind you.

You know, it's funny,
I feel as if you've always been my wife.

We don't even have to bother
getting married.

Well, just as a matter of form.

Dr. Winston's office.

No, he isn't in on Saturdays.
Can I take a message?

Just a minute.

It's a young lady.

She's a stewardess with Australian Airlines.
She says she's free this evening.

Tell her I've been grounded.

Sorry, miss, but Dr. Winston
doesn't do that sort of work anymore.