Original subtitles

Announcer: HOWEVER, SOME OF THE NAMES AND EVENTS HAVE BEEN

THE NAMES AND EVENTS HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO MAKE THE PROGRAM MORE

CHANGED TO MAKE THE PROGRAM MORE ENTERTAINING.

IN A MOMENT...

IN A MOMENT, LEE HARRY OSWALD,

THE MAN HOUSTON POLICE SAY SHOT

PRESIDENT JOHN F. KURRY, WILL BE

BROUGHT DOWN THIS CORRIDOR TO AN

AWAITING CAR AND THEN

TRANSPORTED TO HOUSTON COUNTY

JAIL, WHERE HE WILL PROBABLY

REMAIN UNTIL HIS TRIAL.

THERE... THERE SEEMS TO BE SOME ACTIVITY NOW. YES, THERE'S OSWALD NOW.

ACTIVITY NOW. YES, THERE'S OSWALD NOW. POLICE CLAIM THAT THEY HAVE AN

YES, THERE'S OSWALD NOW. POLICE CLAIM THAT THEY HAVE AN AIRTIGHT CASE AGAINST HIM.

POLICE CLAIM THAT THEY HAVE AN AIRTIGHT CASE AGAINST HIM. OSWALD'S MOTIVE APPEARS TO HAVE

AIRTIGHT CASE AGAINST HIM. OSWALD'S MOTIVE APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN JEALOUSY.

OSWALD'S MOTIVE APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN JEALOUSY. EVIDENTLY THE HANDSOME, YOUNG

BEEN JEALOUSY. EVIDENTLY THE HANDSOME, YOUNG PRESIDENT HAD BEEN HAVING AN

EVIDENTLY THE HANDSOME, YOUNG PRESIDENT HAD BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH OSWALD'S WIFE, THE

PRESIDENT HAD BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH OSWALD'S WIFE, THE BEAUTIFUL BOLSHOI BALLERINA...

AFFAIR WITH OSWALD'S WIFE, THE BEAUTIFUL BOLSHOI BALLERINA... MARINA HARRY OSWALD.

BEAUTIFUL BOLSHOI BALLERINA... MARINA HARRY OSWALD. OF COURSE, THE POLICE HAVE THE

MARINA HARRY OSWALD. OF COURSE, THE POLICE HAVE THE GUN.

OF COURSE, THE POLICE HAVE THE GUN. OSWALD DENIES ANY KNOWLEDGE OF

GUN. OSWALD DENIES ANY KNOWLEDGE OF THIS.

OSWALD DENIES ANY KNOWLEDGE OF THIS. AND HE WILL BE UNDER HEAVY

THIS. AND HE WILL BE UNDER HEAVY FEDERAL AND STATE... WAIT.

AND HE WILL BE UNDER HEAVY FEDERAL AND STATE... WAIT. A MAN HAS JUST JUMPED OUT OF THE

FEDERAL AND STATE... WAIT. A MAN HAS JUST JUMPED OUT OF THE CROWD.

A MAN HAS JUST JUMPED OUT OF THE CROWD. AN OVERWEIGHT MAN HAS...

CROWD. AN OVERWEIGHT MAN HAS... LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

AN OVERWEIGHT MAN HAS... LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!

[BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: IT'S...

STARRING...

WITH HER SPECIAL GUESTS...

AND...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MADELINE KAHN. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU. CALM DOWN. OKAY. AS YOU KNOW, THE SHOW HAS

OKAY. AS YOU KNOW, THE SHOW HAS STARTED A LITTLE BIT LATE

AS YOU KNOW, THE SHOW HAS STARTED A LITTLE BIT LATE TONIGHT BECAUSE IT HAS BEEN

STARTED A LITTLE BIT LATE TONIGHT BECAUSE IT HAS BEEN POURING IN PHILADELPHIA, AND THE

TONIGHT BECAUSE IT HAS BEEN POURING IN PHILADELPHIA, AND THE POOR FELLAS HAD TO PLAY BALL IN

POURING IN PHILADELPHIA, AND THE POOR FELLAS HAD TO PLAY BALL IN THE RAIN.

POOR FELLAS HAD TO PLAY BALL IN THE RAIN. BUT THEY DID IT ANYWAY, AND I

THE RAIN. BUT THEY DID IT ANYWAY, AND I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IT IS

BUT THEY DID IT ANYWAY, AND I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IT IS RAINING IN NEW YORK RIGHT NOW.

JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IT IS RAINING IN NEW YORK RIGHT NOW. IN FACT, IT IS RAINING RIGHT

RAINING IN NEW YORK RIGHT NOW. IN FACT, IT IS RAINING RIGHT HERE IN THE STUDIO, BUT WE ARE

IN FACT, IT IS RAINING RIGHT HERE IN THE STUDIO, BUT WE ARE GOING TO DO THE SHOW ANYWAY!

HERE IN THE STUDIO, BUT WE ARE GOING TO DO THE SHOW ANYWAY! OKAY.

GOING TO DO THE SHOW ANYWAY! OKAY. YOU CANNOT SEE THE RAIN.

OKAY. YOU CANNOT SEE THE RAIN. I KNOW THAT YOU CANNOT SEE THE

YOU CANNOT SEE THE RAIN. I KNOW THAT YOU CANNOT SEE THE RAIN.

I KNOW THAT YOU CANNOT SEE THE RAIN. IT'S JUST A SLIGHT DRIZZLE, BUT

RAIN. IT'S JUST A SLIGHT DRIZZLE, BUT IT IS HERE.

IT'S JUST A SLIGHT DRIZZLE, BUT IT IS HERE. OKAY.

IT IS HERE. OKAY. WHY DO WE LIKE THIS SHOW?

OKAY. WHY DO WE LIKE THIS SHOW? THE ATMOSPHERE IS CHARGED WITH

WHY DO WE LIKE THIS SHOW? THE ATMOSPHERE IS CHARGED WITH EXCITEMENT.

THE ATMOSPHERE IS CHARGED WITH EXCITEMENT. WHY DO WE LIKE THAT?

EXCITEMENT. WHY DO WE LIKE THAT? BECAUSE WE ARE DEALING WITH THE

WHY DO WE LIKE THAT? BECAUSE WE ARE DEALING WITH THE UNKNOWN.

BECAUSE WE ARE DEALING WITH THE UNKNOWN. I CAN TELL YOU THAT FOR A FACT.

UNKNOWN. I CAN TELL YOU THAT FOR A FACT. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING TO

I CAN TELL YOU THAT FOR A FACT. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TONIGHT.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TONIGHT. I CERTAINLY CANNOT PROMISE YOU

HAPPEN TONIGHT. I CERTAINLY CANNOT PROMISE YOU QUALITY OF ANY KIND, BUT WE ARE

I CERTAINLY CANNOT PROMISE YOU QUALITY OF ANY KIND, BUT WE ARE DEALING WITH THE UNKNOWN.

QUALITY OF ANY KIND, BUT WE ARE DEALING WITH THE UNKNOWN. YOU CAN SORT OF SIT BACK AND

DEALING WITH THE UNKNOWN. YOU CAN SORT OF SIT BACK AND JUST REVEL IN THE UNKNOWN,

YOU CAN SORT OF SIT BACK AND JUST REVEL IN THE UNKNOWN, BECAUSE IT IS SOMETHING THAT WE

JUST REVEL IN THE UNKNOWN, BECAUSE IT IS SOMETHING THAT WE DON'T LIKE TO DO IN LIFE,

BECAUSE IT IS SOMETHING THAT WE DON'T LIKE TO DO IN LIFE, ALTHOUGH IN LIFE EVERY MOMENT

DON'T LIKE TO DO IN LIFE, ALTHOUGH IN LIFE EVERY MOMENT IS, IN FACT, UNKNOWN.

ALTHOUGH IN LIFE EVERY MOMENT IS, IN FACT, UNKNOWN. THERE IS NOTHING THAT WE KNOW.

IS, IN FACT, UNKNOWN. THERE IS NOTHING THAT WE KNOW. WE LIKE TO THINK THAT WE KNOW.

THERE IS NOTHING THAT WE KNOW. WE LIKE TO THINK THAT WE KNOW. WE LIKE TO THINK THAT WE HAVE

WE LIKE TO THINK THAT WE KNOW. WE LIKE TO THINK THAT WE HAVE PLANS.

WE LIKE TO THINK THAT WE HAVE PLANS. WE HAVE OUR LITTLE DATEBOOKS,

PLANS. WE HAVE OUR LITTLE DATEBOOKS, AND WE HAVE OUR APPOINTMENTS,

WE HAVE OUR LITTLE DATEBOOKS, AND WE HAVE OUR APPOINTMENTS, AND WE HAVE OUR GOALS.

AND WE HAVE OUR APPOINTMENTS, AND WE HAVE OUR GOALS. WE HAVE OUR GOALS IN LIFE, OUR

AND WE HAVE OUR GOALS. WE HAVE OUR GOALS IN LIFE, OUR AGES, AND SO ON.

WE HAVE OUR GOALS IN LIFE, OUR AGES, AND SO ON. WE DON'T KNOW ANY OF IT.

AGES, AND SO ON. WE DON'T KNOW ANY OF IT. I HATE TO TELL YOU THIS.

WE DON'T KNOW ANY OF IT. I HATE TO TELL YOU THIS. I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR

I HATE TO TELL YOU THIS. I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT. IN FACT, THERE'S ONLY ONE THING

IT. IN FACT, THERE'S ONLY ONE THING THAT WE CAN KNOW FOR SURE, AND

IN FACT, THERE'S ONLY ONE THING THAT WE CAN KNOW FOR SURE, AND THAT IS THAT WE ARE ALL GOING TO

THAT WE CAN KNOW FOR SURE, AND THAT IS THAT WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE.

THAT IS THAT WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE. BUT WE'RE NOT GONNA DWELL ON

DIE. BUT WE'RE NOT GONNA DWELL ON THAT.

BUT WE'RE NOT GONNA DWELL ON THAT. WE'RE NOT GONNA DWELL ON THAT

THAT. WE'RE NOT GONNA DWELL ON THAT BECAUSE THERE'S NO POINT IN

WE'RE NOT GONNA DWELL ON THAT BECAUSE THERE'S NO POINT IN IT... NO POINT AT ALL.

BECAUSE THERE'S NO POINT IN IT... NO POINT AT ALL. SO JOIN ME... WON'T YOU? AND

IT... NO POINT AT ALL. SO JOIN ME... WON'T YOU? AND LET'S ALL HAVE A RIPSNORTING

SO JOIN ME... WON'T YOU? AND LET'S ALL HAVE A RIPSNORTING GOOD TIME...

LET'S ALL HAVE A RIPSNORTING GOOD TIME... ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

GOOD TIME... ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." THANK YOU VERY MUCH. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AS A SALESMAN, I DO A LOT OF TRAVELING, SO WHEN IT COMES TO LUNCH, I GRAB WHAT I CAN,

TRAVELING, SO WHEN IT COMES TO LUNCH, I GRAB WHAT I CAN, USUALLY ON THE RUN.

LUNCH, I GRAB WHAT I CAN, USUALLY ON THE RUN. AND WHEN I WANT MINERAL WATER, I

USUALLY ON THE RUN. AND WHEN I WANT MINERAL WATER, I KEEP IT SIMPLE AND I KEEP IT

AND WHEN I WANT MINERAL WATER, I KEEP IT SIMPLE AND I KEEP IT DOMESTIC.

KEEP IT SIMPLE AND I KEEP IT DOMESTIC. I DRINK SWILL...

DOMESTIC. I DRINK SWILL... THE WATER THAT'S DREDGED FROM

I DRINK SWILL... THE WATER THAT'S DREDGED FROM LAKE ERIE.

THE WATER THAT'S DREDGED FROM LAKE ERIE. NOTHING'S ADDED TO SWILL.

LAKE ERIE. NOTHING'S ADDED TO SWILL. IT COMES STRAIGHT FROM THE LAKE

NOTHING'S ADDED TO SWILL. IT COMES STRAIGHT FROM THE LAKE TO YOU.

IT COMES STRAIGHT FROM THE LAKE TO YOU. MAYBE YOU THOUGHT ONLY EUROPEAN

TO YOU. MAYBE YOU THOUGHT ONLY EUROPEAN COUNTRIES HAD MINERAL WATER, BUT

MAYBE YOU THOUGHT ONLY EUROPEAN COUNTRIES HAD MINERAL WATER, BUT LET ME TELL YOU... WE BOTTLE

COUNTRIES HAD MINERAL WATER, BUT LET ME TELL YOU... WE BOTTLE SOME PRETTY SPECIAL WATER RIGHT

LET ME TELL YOU... WE BOTTLE SOME PRETTY SPECIAL WATER RIGHT HERE IN AMERICA.

SOME PRETTY SPECIAL WATER RIGHT HERE IN AMERICA. YEAH. AMERICA.

HERE IN AMERICA. YEAH. AMERICA. WATER WITH A CHARACTER ALL ITS

YEAH. AMERICA. WATER WITH A CHARACTER ALL ITS OWN.

WATER WITH A CHARACTER ALL ITS OWN. SWILL'S REFRESHING, SWILL'S LOW

OWN. SWILL'S REFRESHING, SWILL'S LOW IN CALORIES, AND SWILL HELPS

SWILL'S REFRESHING, SWILL'S LOW IN CALORIES, AND SWILL HELPS WASH DOWN A HEARTY MEAL LIKE

IN CALORIES, AND SWILL HELPS WASH DOWN A HEARTY MEAL LIKE THIS, WHICH TENDS TO JUST LAY IN

WASH DOWN A HEARTY MEAL LIKE THIS, WHICH TENDS TO JUST LAY IN YOUR STOMACH.

THIS, WHICH TENDS TO JUST LAY IN YOUR STOMACH. ♪ ANTICIPATION ♪

YOUR STOMACH. ♪ ANTICIPATION ♪ ♪ ANTICIPATION ♪

♪ ANTICIPATION ♪ ♪ ANTICIPATION ♪ ♪ IS MAKING ME WAIT ♪

♪ ANTICIPATION ♪ ♪ IS MAKING ME WAIT ♪ ♪ KEEPING ME WAITING ♪

♪ IS MAKING ME WAIT ♪ ♪ KEEPING ME WAITING ♪ I LIKE MINE WITH A TWIST.

Announcer: AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR "BAD OPERA," WITH YOUR HOST, LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.

FOR "BAD OPERA," WITH YOUR HOST, LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL. GOOD EVENING.

LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL. GOOD EVENING. I'M LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, AND

GOOD EVENING. I'M LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, AND WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO "BAD

I'M LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, AND WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO "BAD OPERA."

WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO "BAD OPERA." TONIGHT WE FEATURE A WORK BY

OPERA." TONIGHT WE FEATURE A WORK BY FRIEDRICH KNABEL ENTITLED "THE

TONIGHT WE FEATURE A WORK BY FRIEDRICH KNABEL ENTITLED "THE GOLDEN KLANG," OR "THE GOLDEN

FRIEDRICH KNABEL ENTITLED "THE GOLDEN KLANG," OR "THE GOLDEN NOTE."

GOLDEN KLANG," OR "THE GOLDEN NOTE." WRITTEN UNDER DURESS IN MUNICH

NOTE." WRITTEN UNDER DURESS IN MUNICH IN 1847, IT WAS HERALDED AS THE

WRITTEN UNDER DURESS IN MUNICH IN 1847, IT WAS HERALDED AS THE WORST GERMAN OPERA OF ITS TIME.

IN 1847, IT WAS HERALDED AS THE WORST GERMAN OPERA OF ITS TIME. THE LIBRETTO OF "THE GOLDEN

WORST GERMAN OPERA OF ITS TIME. THE LIBRETTO OF "THE GOLDEN KLANG" CONCERNS MAZDA, A MAIDEN

THE LIBRETTO OF "THE GOLDEN KLANG" CONCERNS MAZDA, A MAIDEN WANDERING IN THE BAVARIAN

KLANG" CONCERNS MAZDA, A MAIDEN WANDERING IN THE BAVARIAN MOUNTAINS WITH HER LOVELY TROUT

WANDERING IN THE BAVARIAN MOUNTAINS WITH HER LOVELY TROUT MAIDENS, WHO IS CHOSEN BY THE

MOUNTAINS WITH HER LOVELY TROUT MAIDENS, WHO IS CHOSEN BY THE GODS TO RECEIVE AND SING THE

MAIDENS, WHO IS CHOSEN BY THE GODS TO RECEIVE AND SING THE GOLDEN NOTE.

GODS TO RECEIVE AND SING THE GOLDEN NOTE. THUNDER STURUM, HER SUITOR, IS A

GOLDEN NOTE. THUNDER STURUM, HER SUITOR, IS A FIERY TEUTONIC WARRIOR WHO TRIES

THUNDER STURUM, HER SUITOR, IS A FIERY TEUTONIC WARRIOR WHO TRIES TO PREVENT SCHWARTZ STURUM, THE

FIERY TEUTONIC WARRIOR WHO TRIES TO PREVENT SCHWARTZ STURUM, THE MESSENGER OF THE GODS, FROM

TO PREVENT SCHWARTZ STURUM, THE MESSENGER OF THE GODS, FROM BRINGING MAZDA THE GOLDEN NOTE,

MESSENGER OF THE GODS, FROM BRINGING MAZDA THE GOLDEN NOTE, KNOWING FULL WELL THAT WHEN SHE

BRINGING MAZDA THE GOLDEN NOTE, KNOWING FULL WELL THAT WHEN SHE RECEIVES IT, SHE WILL DIE.

KNOWING FULL WELL THAT WHEN SHE RECEIVES IT, SHE WILL DIE. A DOUBLE IRONY HERE.

RECEIVES IT, SHE WILL DIE. A DOUBLE IRONY HERE. KNABEL HAS TRULY FOUND A TRAGIC

A DOUBLE IRONY HERE. KNABEL HAS TRULY FOUND A TRAGIC NOTE, FOR WHEN THE NOTE IS

KNABEL HAS TRULY FOUND A TRAGIC NOTE, FOR WHEN THE NOTE IS ACTUALLY SUNG, IT IS OF SUCH

NOTE, FOR WHEN THE NOTE IS ACTUALLY SUNG, IT IS OF SUCH PITCH, TONE, AND CHARACTER, AND

ACTUALLY SUNG, IT IS OF SUCH PITCH, TONE, AND CHARACTER, AND IT MUST BE SUSTAINED FOR SO LONG

PITCH, TONE, AND CHARACTER, AND IT MUST BE SUSTAINED FOR SO LONG THAT IT CAUSES LARYNX LOCK.

IT MUST BE SUSTAINED FOR SO LONG THAT IT CAUSES LARYNX LOCK. THE SINGER'S LARYNX SIMPLY LOCKS

THAT IT CAUSES LARYNX LOCK. THE SINGER'S LARYNX SIMPLY LOCKS ONTO THE NOTE FOREVER.

THE SINGER'S LARYNX SIMPLY LOCKS ONTO THE NOTE FOREVER. THAT'S WHY THIS OPERA IS SO

ONTO THE NOTE FOREVER. THAT'S WHY THIS OPERA IS SO INCREDIBLY BAD AND AS DIFFICULT

THAT'S WHY THIS OPERA IS SO INCREDIBLY BAD AND AS DIFFICULT TO SING AS IT IS TO LISTEN TO.

INCREDIBLY BAD AND AS DIFFICULT TO SING AS IT IS TO LISTEN TO. WE INVARIABLY LOSE GREAT OPERA

TO SING AS IT IS TO LISTEN TO. WE INVARIABLY LOSE GREAT OPERA SINGERS EVERY TIME IT IS

WE INVARIABLY LOSE GREAT OPERA SINGERS EVERY TIME IT IS PERFORMED.

SINGERS EVERY TIME IT IS PERFORMED. IT IS DUSK IN THE RHINELAND AS

PERFORMED. IT IS DUSK IN THE RHINELAND AS THE OPERA BEGINS.

IT IS DUSK IN THE RHINELAND AS THE OPERA BEGINS. [MUSIC PLAYS]

THE OPERA BEGINS. [MUSIC PLAYS] ♪ PLEASE ♪

[MUSIC PLAYS] ♪ PLEASE ♪ ♪ PLEASE ♪

♪ PLEASE ♪ ♪ PLEASE ♪ ♪ THY GOLDEN KLANG ♪

♪ PLEASE ♪ ♪ THY GOLDEN KLANG ♪ ♪ THY GOLDEN KLANG ♪

♪ THY GOLDEN KLANG ♪ ♪ THY GOLDEN KLANG ♪ ♪ IT'S HERE ♪

♪ THY GOLDEN KLANG ♪ ♪ IT'S HERE ♪ ♪ IT'S HERE ♪

♪ IT'S HERE ♪ ♪ IT'S HERE ♪ ♪ IT'S HERE ♪

♪ IT'S HERE ♪ ♪ IT'S HERE ♪ [VOCALIZING]

♪ IT'S HERE ♪ [VOCALIZING] ♪ IT COMES ♪

[VOCALIZING] ♪ IT COMES ♪ ♪ IT COMES ♪

♪ IT COMES ♪ ♪ IT COMES ♪ ♪ IT COMES ♪

♪ IT COMES ♪ ♪ IT COMES ♪ [THUNDER CRASHING]

♪ IT COMES ♪ [THUNDER CRASHING] [VOCALIZING]

[THUNDER CRASHING] [VOCALIZING] [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

[VOCALIZING] [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING] [HOLDING NOTE]

[CONTINUES HOLDING NOTE]

FOREVER. VERY BAD, WASN'T IT? DELIGHTFULLY BAD.

VERY BAD, WASN'T IT? DELIGHTFULLY BAD. NOT VERY GOOD AT ALL.

DELIGHTFULLY BAD. NOT VERY GOOD AT ALL. NOW I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE THE

NOT VERY GOOD AT ALL. NOW I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE THE MEMBERS OF OUR COMPANY.

NOW I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE THE MEMBERS OF OUR COMPANY. SCHWARTZ STURUM WAS HERR EVANS.

MEMBERS OF OUR COMPANY. SCHWARTZ STURUM WAS HERR EVANS. THE TROUT MAIDENS WERE DEBBIE

SCHWARTZ STURUM WAS HERR EVANS. THE TROUT MAIDENS WERE DEBBIE AND TERRI SCHLIMPTON.

THE TROUT MAIDENS WERE DEBBIE AND TERRI SCHLIMPTON. THUNDER STURUM WAS PORTRAYED BY

AND TERRI SCHLIMPTON. THUNDER STURUM WAS PORTRAYED BY STEVEN MASHAKIS.

THUNDER STURUM WAS PORTRAYED BY STEVEN MASHAKIS. FOSPHOS THE LIGHTNING BRINGER

STEVEN MASHAKIS. FOSPHOS THE LIGHTNING BRINGER WAS, OF COURSE, OUR OWN

FOSPHOS THE LIGHTNING BRINGER WAS, OF COURSE, OUR OWN RONNY BAKEMAN.

WAS, OF COURSE, OUR OWN RONNY BAKEMAN. THANK YOU, RONNY.

RONNY BAKEMAN. THANK YOU, RONNY. AND MAZDA WAS PLAYED BY THE

THANK YOU, RONNY. AND MAZDA WAS PLAYED BY THE LOVELY TINA PIVNIK.

AND MAZDA WAS PLAYED BY THE LOVELY TINA PIVNIK. SO SORRY, TINA.

LOVELY TINA PIVNIK. SO SORRY, TINA. [CONTINUES HOLDING NOTE]

SO SORRY, TINA. [CONTINUES HOLDING NOTE] THANK YOU.

[CONTINUES HOLDING NOTE] THANK YOU. JOIN US NEXT TIME WHEN WE

THANK YOU. JOIN US NEXT TIME WHEN WE FEATURE AN EVEN WORSE OPERA...

JOIN US NEXT TIME WHEN WE FEATURE AN EVEN WORSE OPERA... KNUTE WADER'S "THE RAT TENDER."

FEATURE AN EVEN WORSE OPERA... KNUTE WADER'S "THE RAT TENDER." UNTIL THEN, THIS IS YOUR HOST,

KNUTE WADER'S "THE RAT TENDER." UNTIL THEN, THIS IS YOUR HOST, LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, BIDDING

UNTIL THEN, THIS IS YOUR HOST, LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, BIDDING YOU GOOD NIGHT.

HOW MANY OF YOU OUT THERE

WATCHING THIS SHOW RIGHT NOW ARE

SAYING TO YOURSELVES, "YOU KNOW,

MADELINE KAHN IS PRETTY GOOD,

BUT I THINK I COULD DO A BETTER

JOB THAN THAT"?

WELL, HERE'S YOUR CHANCE, BECAUSE NOW ANYONE CAN HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

BECAUSE NOW ANYONE CAN HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS WRITE A

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS WRITE A POSTCARD AND STATE IN 25 WORDS

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS WRITE A POSTCARD AND STATE IN 25 WORDS OR LESS WHY YOU WANT TO HOST

POSTCARD AND STATE IN 25 WORDS OR LESS WHY YOU WANT TO HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

OR LESS WHY YOU WANT TO HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." AND MAIL YOUR POSTCARD TO...

YOUR ENTRIES MUST BE IN BY MIDNIGHT, NOVEMBER 1st. YOU NEED NO THEATRICAL

MIDNIGHT, NOVEMBER 1st. YOU NEED NO THEATRICAL EXPERIENCE... JUST TALENT AND A

YOU NEED NO THEATRICAL EXPERIENCE... JUST TALENT AND A STRONG BELIEF IN YOURSELF.

EXPERIENCE... JUST TALENT AND A STRONG BELIEF IN YOURSELF. IF YOUR POSTCARD IS FUNNY, IN

STRONG BELIEF IN YOURSELF. IF YOUR POSTCARD IS FUNNY, IN THE OPINION OF OUR STAFF, YOU

IF YOUR POSTCARD IS FUNNY, IN THE OPINION OF OUR STAFF, YOU MIGHT BE ONE OF THE FIVE

THE OPINION OF OUR STAFF, YOU MIGHT BE ONE OF THE FIVE FINALISTS WHO WILL BE FLOWN TO

MIGHT BE ONE OF THE FIVE FINALISTS WHO WILL BE FLOWN TO NEW YORK IN NOVEMBER TO READ

FINALISTS WHO WILL BE FLOWN TO NEW YORK IN NOVEMBER TO READ YOUR POSTCARD LIVE ON THE SHOW.

NEW YORK IN NOVEMBER TO READ YOUR POSTCARD LIVE ON THE SHOW. THEN IT'S UP TO YOU PEOPLE AT

YOUR POSTCARD LIVE ON THE SHOW. THEN IT'S UP TO YOU PEOPLE AT HOME TO DECIDE.

THEN IT'S UP TO YOU PEOPLE AT HOME TO DECIDE. THE LUCKY WINNER WILL BE FLOWN

HOME TO DECIDE. THE LUCKY WINNER WILL BE FLOWN TO NEW YORK, PUT UP AT THE SWANK

THE LUCKY WINNER WILL BE FLOWN TO NEW YORK, PUT UP AT THE SWANK E... THE SWANK ESSEX H... ESSEX

TO NEW YORK, PUT UP AT THE SWANK E... THE SWANK ESSEX H... ESSEX HOUSE HOTEL AND GET TO MEET AND

E... THE SWANK ESSEX H... ESSEX HOUSE HOTEL AND GET TO MEET AND WORK WITH THE

HOUSE HOTEL AND GET TO MEET AND WORK WITH THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME

WORK WITH THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS.

NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS. AND YOU'LL BE PAID THE SAME

PLAYERS. AND YOU'LL BE PAID THE SAME $3,000 WE PAY ANY OTHER HOST OR

AND YOU'LL BE PAID THE SAME $3,000 WE PAY ANY OTHER HOST OR EVEN THE BEATLES IF THEY'D ONLY

$3,000 WE PAY ANY OTHER HOST OR EVEN THE BEATLES IF THEY'D ONLY SHOW UP.

EVEN THE BEATLES IF THEY'D ONLY SHOW UP. BEST OF ALL, YOU WILL HOST

SHOW UP. BEST OF ALL, YOU WILL HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT'S" CHRISTMAS

BEST OF ALL, YOU WILL HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT'S" CHRISTMAS SHOW ON DECEMBER 17.

"SATURDAY NIGHT'S" CHRISTMAS SHOW ON DECEMBER 17. SO JUST DROP US A POSTCARD.

SHOW ON DECEMBER 17. SO JUST DROP US A POSTCARD. HOWEVER, IF YOU SHOULD SEE ANY

SO JUST DROP US A POSTCARD. HOWEVER, IF YOU SHOULD SEE ANY OF THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME

HOWEVER, IF YOU SHOULD SEE ANY OF THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS OR ANYONE FROM "SATURDAY

OF THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS OR ANYONE FROM "SATURDAY NIGHT," INCLUDING MYSELF, AT,

PLAYERS OR ANYONE FROM "SATURDAY NIGHT," INCLUDING MYSELF, AT, SAY, A FANCY RESTAURANT, AND YOU

NIGHT," INCLUDING MYSELF, AT, SAY, A FANCY RESTAURANT, AND YOU SAY TO YOURSELF, "HEY, WHY MAIL

SAY, A FANCY RESTAURANT, AND YOU SAY TO YOURSELF, "HEY, WHY MAIL A POSTCARD?

SAY TO YOURSELF, "HEY, WHY MAIL A POSTCARD? I'LL JUST DROP IT OFF NOW AT

A POSTCARD? I'LL JUST DROP IT OFF NOW AT THEIR TABLE."

I'LL JUST DROP IT OFF NOW AT THEIR TABLE." YOU'LL BE IMMEDIATELY

THEIR TABLE." YOU'LL BE IMMEDIATELY DISQUALIFIED.

YOU'LL BE IMMEDIATELY DISQUALIFIED. OTHERWISE, WE DON'T CARE WHO OR

DISQUALIFIED. OTHERWISE, WE DON'T CARE WHO OR WHAT YOU ARE.

OTHERWISE, WE DON'T CARE WHO OR WHAT YOU ARE. IF YOU CAN LICK A STAMP, YOU'RE

WHAT YOU ARE. IF YOU CAN LICK A STAMP, YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY TO STARDOM.

IF YOU CAN LICK A STAMP, YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY TO STARDOM. SO THERE IT IS.

ON YOUR WAY TO STARDOM. SO THERE IT IS. ANYONE CAN HOST, AND WE GIVE YOU

SO THERE IT IS. ANYONE CAN HOST, AND WE GIVE YOU THAT CHANCE BECAUSE IT'S JUST

ANYONE CAN HOST, AND WE GIVE YOU THAT CHANCE BECAUSE IT'S JUST THE KIND OF PEOPLE WE ARE.

THAT CHANCE BECAUSE IT'S JUST THE KIND OF PEOPLE WE ARE. Announcer: SEND YOUR

THE KIND OF PEOPLE WE ARE. Announcer: SEND YOUR POSTCARDS TO...

EMPLOYEES AND FAMILIES OF EMPLOYEES OF RCA, NBC, OR ANY OF THEIR RELATED COMPANIES ARE NOT

EMPLOYEES OF RCA, NBC, OR ANY OF THEIR RELATED COMPANIES ARE NOT ELIGIBLE.

THEIR RELATED COMPANIES ARE NOT ELIGIBLE. THIS CONTEST IS VOID WHERE

ELIGIBLE. THIS CONTEST IS VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW.

THIS CONTEST IS VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW. MAYBE I'LL SEE YOU IN

PROHIBITED BY LAW. MAYBE I'LL SEE YOU IN DECEMBER.

BIANCA JAGGER HAS JUST

FINISHED EATING DINNER IN THIS

TELEVISION STUDIO WITH THREE OR

FOUR OF HER CLOSE PERSONAL

FRIENDS.

AT THE TABLE TONIGHT...

TRUMAN CAPOTE...

PRINCESS GRACE...

MARGARET TRUDEAU...

AND OUR HOSTESS, BIANCA JAGGER.

WON'T YOU JOIN BIANCA FOR WINE, CHEESE, AND GRAPES? [CHUCKLING]

CHEESE, AND GRAPES? [CHUCKLING] YOU KNOW, BIANCA, EVERYONE KNOWS

[CHUCKLING] YOU KNOW, BIANCA, EVERYONE KNOWS HOW MUCH YOU'VE CHANGED NOW THAT

YOU KNOW, BIANCA, EVERYONE KNOWS HOW MUCH YOU'VE CHANGED NOW THAT YOU'RE A WORKING WOMAN.

HOW MUCH YOU'VE CHANGED NOW THAT YOU'RE A WORKING WOMAN. I MEAN, YOU'RE JUST NOT THE SAME

YOU'RE A WORKING WOMAN. I MEAN, YOU'RE JUST NOT THE SAME BIANCA.

I MEAN, YOU'RE JUST NOT THE SAME BIANCA. OF COURSE I'M NOT THE SAME.

BIANCA. OF COURSE I'M NOT THE SAME. HOW COULD I BE THE SAME?

OF COURSE I'M NOT THE SAME. HOW COULD I BE THE SAME? I'VE COMPLETELY CHANGED.

HOW COULD I BE THE SAME? I'VE COMPLETELY CHANGED. WELL, HOW DO YOU FEEL THAT

I'VE COMPLETELY CHANGED. WELL, HOW DO YOU FEEL THAT YOU'VE CHANGED?

WELL, HOW DO YOU FEEL THAT YOU'VE CHANGED? HOW DO I FEEL THAT I'VE

YOU'VE CHANGED? HOW DO I FEEL THAT I'VE CHANGED?

HOW DO I FEEL THAT I'VE CHANGED? YOU'RE SO SILLY.

CHANGED? YOU'RE SO SILLY. YOU KNOW THAT I WAS LEADING THE

YOU'RE SO SILLY. YOU KNOW THAT I WAS LEADING THE PARTY LIFE BEFORE I WAS WORKING.

YOU KNOW THAT I WAS LEADING THE PARTY LIFE BEFORE I WAS WORKING. YOU KNOW THAT FOR A FACT.

PARTY LIFE BEFORE I WAS WORKING. YOU KNOW THAT FOR A FACT. IF I'M INVITED TO A PARTY, I

YOU KNOW THAT FOR A FACT. IF I'M INVITED TO A PARTY, I TAKE THE PLANE, I GET ON THE

IF I'M INVITED TO A PARTY, I TAKE THE PLANE, I GET ON THE PLANE, I GO TO THE COUNTRY, I

TAKE THE PLANE, I GET ON THE PLANE, I GO TO THE COUNTRY, I LEARN THE LANGUAGE, I GO TO THE

PLANE, I GO TO THE COUNTRY, I LEARN THE LANGUAGE, I GO TO THE PARTY.

LEARN THE LANGUAGE, I GO TO THE PARTY. I AM THE PARTY.

PARTY. I AM THE PARTY. BUT THAT IS WHAT IT IS.

I AM THE PARTY. BUT THAT IS WHAT IT IS. GOD, IT'S TRUE.

BUT THAT IS WHAT IT IS. GOD, IT'S TRUE. IT'S REALLY TRUE.

GOD, IT'S TRUE. IT'S REALLY TRUE. YOU ARE THE PARTY.

IT'S REALLY TRUE. YOU ARE THE PARTY. THAT IS TRUE, BUT I AM

YOU ARE THE PARTY. THAT IS TRUE, BUT I AM WORKING NOW.

THAT IS TRUE, BUT I AM WORKING NOW. THAT IS THE PATTERN OF MY LIFE.

WORKING NOW. THAT IS THE PATTERN OF MY LIFE. I AM WORKING NOW, AND I HAVE

THAT IS THE PATTERN OF MY LIFE. I AM WORKING NOW, AND I HAVE LEARNED SOMETHING WHICH IS VERY,

I AM WORKING NOW, AND I HAVE LEARNED SOMETHING WHICH IS VERY, VERY IMPORTANT IN LIFE, AND THAT

LEARNED SOMETHING WHICH IS VERY, VERY IMPORTANT IN LIFE, AND THAT IS THAT YOU MUST BE ON TIME.

VERY IMPORTANT IN LIFE, AND THAT IS THAT YOU MUST BE ON TIME. IF YOU ARE CALLED TO A PLACE TO

IS THAT YOU MUST BE ON TIME. IF YOU ARE CALLED TO A PLACE TO BE THERE AT 1:00, IF YOU DO NOT

IF YOU ARE CALLED TO A PLACE TO BE THERE AT 1:00, IF YOU DO NOT ARRIVE UNTIL 5:00, YOU WILL HAVE

BE THERE AT 1:00, IF YOU DO NOT ARRIVE UNTIL 5:00, YOU WILL HAVE KEPT EVERYONE WAITING FOR...

ARRIVE UNTIL 5:00, YOU WILL HAVE KEPT EVERYONE WAITING FOR... FOUR HOURS.

KEPT EVERYONE WAITING FOR... FOUR HOURS. THIS IS WHAT I USED TO DO IF I

FOUR HOURS. THIS IS WHAT I USED TO DO IF I WOULD ARRIVE AT A PLACE, BECAUSE

THIS IS WHAT I USED TO DO IF I WOULD ARRIVE AT A PLACE, BECAUSE WHAT IS TIME?

WOULD ARRIVE AT A PLACE, BECAUSE WHAT IS TIME? TIME IS NOTHING. WHAT IS TIME?

WHAT IS TIME? TIME IS NOTHING. WHAT IS TIME? TIME NEVER MEANT... WHAT IS

TIME IS NOTHING. WHAT IS TIME? TIME NEVER MEANT... WHAT IS TIME?

TIME NEVER MEANT... WHAT IS TIME? TIME WAS NOTHING.

TIME? TIME WAS NOTHING. BUT THIS HAS COMPLETELY CHANGED

TIME WAS NOTHING. BUT THIS HAS COMPLETELY CHANGED NOW.

BUT THIS HAS COMPLETELY CHANGED NOW. HOW'S MICK?

NOW. HOW'S MICK? YES, HOW IS MICK?

HOW'S MICK? YES, HOW IS MICK? I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO BE

YES, HOW IS MICK? I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO BE HERE.

I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO BE HERE. "HOW IS MICK?"

HERE. "HOW IS MICK?" I COME FROM NICARAGUA.

"HOW IS MICK?" I COME FROM NICARAGUA. THERE IS A SAYING AMONGST THE

I COME FROM NICARAGUA. THERE IS A SAYING AMONGST THE VERY WEALTHY WOMEN THERE, WHICH

THERE IS A SAYING AMONGST THE VERY WEALTHY WOMEN THERE, WHICH SAYS THAT YOU CANNOT SHAVE YOUR

VERY WEALTHY WOMEN THERE, WHICH SAYS THAT YOU CANNOT SHAVE YOUR LEGS AFTER YOUR PANTY HOSE ARE

SAYS THAT YOU CANNOT SHAVE YOUR LEGS AFTER YOUR PANTY HOSE ARE ON.

LEGS AFTER YOUR PANTY HOSE ARE ON. AND I BELIEVE THAT THIS IS TRUE.

ON. AND I BELIEVE THAT THIS IS TRUE. GOD, YES, THAT IS TRUE.

AND I BELIEVE THAT THIS IS TRUE. GOD, YES, THAT IS TRUE. OF COURSE IT'S TRUE.

GOD, YES, THAT IS TRUE. OF COURSE IT'S TRUE. YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT,

OF COURSE IT'S TRUE. YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT, BECAUSE IF YOU NICK YOURSELF YOU

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT, BECAUSE IF YOU NICK YOURSELF YOU CAN'T GET A BAND-AID ON

BECAUSE IF YOU NICK YOURSELF YOU CAN'T GET A BAND-AID ON UNDERNEATH THEM.

CAN'T GET A BAND-AID ON UNDERNEATH THEM. WELL, YOU'VE COMPLETELY

UNDERNEATH THEM. WELL, YOU'VE COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTOOD.

WELL, YOU'VE COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTOOD. BIANCA, YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL.

MISUNDERSTOOD. BIANCA, YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE.

BIANCA, YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE. YOU ARE.

YOU ARE. YOU ARE. OH, THANK YOU.

YOU ARE. OH, THANK YOU. DO YOU THINK THAT MAKEUP IS

OH, THANK YOU. DO YOU THINK THAT MAKEUP IS IMPORTANT?

DO YOU THINK THAT MAKEUP IS IMPORTANT? DO I THINK THAT MAKEUP IS

IMPORTANT? DO I THINK THAT MAKEUP IS IMPORTANT?

DO I THINK THAT MAKEUP IS IMPORTANT? I DO NOT USE MAKEUP, TRUMAN.

IMPORTANT? I DO NOT USE MAKEUP, TRUMAN. YOU KNOW THAT I DO NOT USE

I DO NOT USE MAKEUP, TRUMAN. YOU KNOW THAT I DO NOT USE MAKEUP.

YOU KNOW THAT I DO NOT USE MAKEUP. WHAT IS MAKEUP?

MAKEUP. WHAT IS MAKEUP? MAKEUP USES ME.

WHAT IS MAKEUP? MAKEUP USES ME. I MAKE THE MAKEUP LOOK GOOD.

MAKEUP USES ME. I MAKE THE MAKEUP LOOK GOOD. YOU COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTAND.

I MAKE THE MAKEUP LOOK GOOD. YOU COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTAND. WHERE IS MICK?

YOU COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTAND. WHERE IS MICK? I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO BE

WHERE IS MICK? I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO BE HERE FOR DINNER.

I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO BE HERE FOR DINNER. YES, WHERE IS MICK?

HERE FOR DINNER. YES, WHERE IS MICK? THERE IS A SAYING AMONGST THE

YES, WHERE IS MICK? THERE IS A SAYING AMONGST THE POOR WOMEN OF MONACO.

THERE IS A SAYING AMONGST THE POOR WOMEN OF MONACO. "IF YOUR HUSBAND IS LATE FOR

POOR WOMEN OF MONACO. "IF YOUR HUSBAND IS LATE FOR DINNER, MAYBE HE HAS EATEN

"IF YOUR HUSBAND IS LATE FOR DINNER, MAYBE HE HAS EATEN SOMEWHERE ELSE."

DINNER, MAYBE HE HAS EATEN SOMEWHERE ELSE." YOU COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTAND.

SOMEWHERE ELSE." YOU COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTAND. YOU KNOW, THAT MICK... HE'S

YOU COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTAND. YOU KNOW, THAT MICK... HE'S SUCH A RAW TALENT, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW, THAT MICK... HE'S SUCH A RAW TALENT, YOU KNOW? WHAT IS IT LIKE BEING MARRIED TO

SUCH A RAW TALENT, YOU KNOW? WHAT IS IT LIKE BEING MARRIED TO A MAN LIKE MICK JAGGER?

WHAT IS IT LIKE BEING MARRIED TO A MAN LIKE MICK JAGGER? "WHAT IS IT LIKE?"

A MAN LIKE MICK JAGGER? "WHAT IS IT LIKE?" I HAVE LEARNED MANY THINGS IN

"WHAT IS IT LIKE?" I HAVE LEARNED MANY THINGS IN LIFE.

I HAVE LEARNED MANY THINGS IN LIFE. I HAVE LEARNED THAT A WOMAN... I

LIFE. I HAVE LEARNED THAT A WOMAN... I AM WOMAN... WOMAN, I AM.

I HAVE LEARNED THAT A WOMAN... I AM WOMAN... WOMAN, I AM. WHEN A WOMAN IS MARRIED TO, FOR

AM WOMAN... WOMAN, I AM. WHEN A WOMAN IS MARRIED TO, FOR INSTANCE, A MICK JAGGER, AND IF

WHEN A WOMAN IS MARRIED TO, FOR INSTANCE, A MICK JAGGER, AND IF HER FIRST NAME IS, FOR INSTANCE,

INSTANCE, A MICK JAGGER, AND IF HER FIRST NAME IS, FOR INSTANCE, BIANCA, THEN SHE... THE WOMAN...

HER FIRST NAME IS, FOR INSTANCE, BIANCA, THEN SHE... THE WOMAN... GETS TO CALL HERSELF

BIANCA, THEN SHE... THE WOMAN... GETS TO CALL HERSELF BIANCA JAGGER.

GETS TO CALL HERSELF BIANCA JAGGER. IT'S SUCH A MARVELOUS NAME.

BIANCA JAGGER. IT'S SUCH A MARVELOUS NAME. I WISH MICK WOULD GET HERE.

IT'S SUCH A MARVELOUS NAME. I WISH MICK WOULD GET HERE. HE HAS SUCH A SENSUAL LOWER LIP.

I WISH MICK WOULD GET HERE. HE HAS SUCH A SENSUAL LOWER LIP. GOD, THAT'S TRUE.

HE HAS SUCH A SENSUAL LOWER LIP. GOD, THAT'S TRUE. HE'S VERY POPULAR IN MONACO.

GOD, THAT'S TRUE. HE'S VERY POPULAR IN MONACO. I WANTED TO ASK HIM TO BE ON OUR

HE'S VERY POPULAR IN MONACO. I WANTED TO ASK HIM TO BE ON OUR STAMP.

I WANTED TO ASK HIM TO BE ON OUR STAMP. OH, HE'D BE BEAUTIFUL.

STAMP. OH, HE'D BE BEAUTIFUL. YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING'S A

OH, HE'D BE BEAUTIFUL. YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING'S A QUESTION OF ATTITUDE.

YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING'S A QUESTION OF ATTITUDE. YOU KNOW, HOW YOU FEEL IS HOW

QUESTION OF ATTITUDE. YOU KNOW, HOW YOU FEEL IS HOW YOU ARE.

YOU KNOW, HOW YOU FEEL IS HOW YOU ARE. I USED TO FEEL SHORT.

YOU ARE. I USED TO FEEL SHORT. I LOOKED SHORT.

I USED TO FEEL SHORT. I LOOKED SHORT. NOW I FEEL TALL, AND I AM TALL,

I LOOKED SHORT. NOW I FEEL TALL, AND I AM TALL, UNLESS I HAVE TO REACH FOR

NOW I FEEL TALL, AND I AM TALL, UNLESS I HAVE TO REACH FOR SOMETHING HIGH ON A SHELF.

UNLESS I HAVE TO REACH FOR SOMETHING HIGH ON A SHELF. I-I CANNOT... I-I-I JUST...

SOMETHING HIGH ON A SHELF. I-I CANNOT... I-I-I JUST... WE ARE TALKING ABOUT SHELVES.

I-I CANNOT... I-I-I JUST... WE ARE TALKING ABOUT SHELVES. WE ARE TALKING ABOUT REACHING.

WE ARE TALKING ABOUT SHELVES. WE ARE TALKING ABOUT REACHING. WE ARE TALKING ABOUT NOTHING.

WE ARE TALKING ABOUT REACHING. WE ARE TALKING ABOUT NOTHING. I MEAN, YOU MUST UNDERSTAND ME,

WE ARE TALKING ABOUT NOTHING. I MEAN, YOU MUST UNDERSTAND ME, I'M SORRY.

I MEAN, YOU MUST UNDERSTAND ME, I'M SORRY. I MUST BE HONEST.

I'M SORRY. I MUST BE HONEST. THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT MY FRIENDS,

I MUST BE HONEST. THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT MY FRIENDS, OKAY?

THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT MY FRIENDS, OKAY? THIS IS NOT MY DINING ROOM.

OKAY? THIS IS NOT MY DINING ROOM. I WOULD NOT HAVE MY FRIENDS SIT

THIS IS NOT MY DINING ROOM. I WOULD NOT HAVE MY FRIENDS SIT IN A DINING ROOM LIKE THIS.

I WOULD NOT HAVE MY FRIENDS SIT IN A DINING ROOM LIKE THIS. THIS IS A TELEVISION SHOW.

IN A DINING ROOM LIKE THIS. THIS IS A TELEVISION SHOW. I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.

THIS IS A TELEVISION SHOW. I'M TERRIBLY SORRY. I DON'T PARTICULARLY CARE FOR

I'M TERRIBLY SORRY. I DON'T PARTICULARLY CARE FOR THESE PEOPLE.

I DON'T PARTICULARLY CARE FOR THESE PEOPLE. I DON'T PARTICULARLY CARE FOR

THESE PEOPLE. I DON'T PARTICULARLY CARE FOR TELEVISION.

I DON'T PARTICULARLY CARE FOR TELEVISION. I DON'T PARTICULARLY CARE FOR...

TELEVISION. I DON'T PARTICULARLY CARE FOR... WHAT IS CARE?

I DON'T PARTICULARLY CARE FOR... WHAT IS CARE? WHAT IS THINK?

WHAT IS CARE? WHAT IS THINK? WHAT IS I?

WHAT IS THINK? WHAT IS I? WHAT IS WHAT? WHAT IS WHAT?

WHAT IS I? WHAT IS WHAT? WHAT IS WHAT? YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

WHAT IS WHAT? WHAT IS WHAT? YOU UNDERSTAND ME? YES.

YOU UNDERSTAND ME? YES. I MEAN, I CANNOT BEAR IT.

YES. I MEAN, I CANNOT BEAR IT. I CANNOT BEAR IT.

I MEAN, I CANNOT BEAR IT. I CANNOT BEAR IT. I REALLY CANNOT.

I CANNOT BEAR IT. I REALLY CANNOT. IF ONE CANNOT SIT AND BE

I REALLY CANNOT. IF ONE CANNOT SIT AND BE HONEST...

IF ONE CANNOT SIT AND BE HONEST... YOU HAVE JUST HAD WINE,

HONEST... YOU HAVE JUST HAD WINE, CHEESE, AND GRAPES WITH...

OH, I LOVE THIS PART, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. I AM COMPLETELY PROUD TO PRESENT

AND GENTLEMEN. I AM COMPLETELY PROUD TO PRESENT TO YOU TAJ MAHAL.

I AM COMPLETELY PROUD TO PRESENT TO YOU TAJ MAHAL. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

TO YOU TAJ MAHAL. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [INTRO TO "QUEEN BEE" PLAYS]

♪ SWEETER THAN A HONEY BEE ♪ ♪ BABY BEEN SWEET ON ME ♪ ♪ SWEETER THAN A HONEY BEE ♪

♪ BABY BEEN SWEET ON ME ♪ ♪ SWEETER THAN A HONEY BEE ♪ ♪ QUEEN BEE ♪

♪ SWEETER THAN A HONEY BEE ♪ ♪ QUEEN BEE ♪ ♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

♪ QUEEN BEE ♪ ♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪ ♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪ ♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪ ♪ OOH, ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪ ♪ OOH, ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪ ♪ OOH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

♪ OOH, ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪ ♪ OOH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪ [INSTRUMENTAL SOLO]

♪ BABY, HOW YOUR ASS SO FINE ♪ ♪ OOH, YOU WIGGLE YOUR SWEET BACKSIDE ♪

♪ OOH, YOU WIGGLE YOUR SWEET BACKSIDE ♪ ♪ BABY, WHEN YOU FELT SO FINE ♪

BACKSIDE ♪ ♪ BABY, WHEN YOU FELT SO FINE ♪ ♪ FRIENDS AND A DAMN GOOD

♪ BABY, WHEN YOU FELT SO FINE ♪ ♪ FRIENDS AND A DAMN GOOD BEHIND ♪

♪ FRIENDS AND A DAMN GOOD BEHIND ♪ ♪ OH, YOU ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

BEHIND ♪ ♪ OH, YOU ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪ ♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

♪ OH, YOU ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪ ♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪ ♪ OH, ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪ ♪ OH, ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪ ♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

♪ OH, ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪ ♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪ ♪ GIRL ♪

♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪ ♪ GIRL ♪ [INSTRUMENTAL SOLO]

♪ GIRL ♪ [INSTRUMENTAL SOLO] ♪ HONEY IN THE HONEY POT ♪

[INSTRUMENTAL SOLO] ♪ HONEY IN THE HONEY POT ♪ ♪ MAN, YOUR POT ♪

♪ HONEY IN THE HONEY POT ♪ ♪ MAN, YOUR POT ♪ ♪ YOUR POT IS HOT ♪

♪ MAN, YOUR POT ♪ ♪ YOUR POT IS HOT ♪ ♪ HONEY IN THE HONEY POT ♪

♪ YOUR POT IS HOT ♪ ♪ HONEY IN THE HONEY POT ♪ ♪ AND THE POT IS ALL I'VE GOT ♪

♪ HONEY IN THE HONEY POT ♪ ♪ AND THE POT IS ALL I'VE GOT ♪ ♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

♪ AND THE POT IS ALL I'VE GOT ♪ ♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪ ♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪ ♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪ ♪ ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪ ♪ ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪ ♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

♪ ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪ ♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪ [INSTRUMENTAL SOLO]

♪ SWEETER THAN A HONEY BEE ♪ ♪ BABY BEEN SWEET ON ME ♪ ♪ SWEETER THAN A HONEY BEE ♪

♪ BABY BEEN SWEET ON ME ♪ ♪ SWEETER THAN A HONEY BEE ♪ ♪ QUEEN BEE ♪

♪ SWEETER THAN A HONEY BEE ♪ ♪ QUEEN BEE ♪ ♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

♪ QUEEN BEE ♪ ♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪ ♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪ ♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪ ♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪ ♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪ ♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪ ♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪ [VOCALIZING]

♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪ [VOCALIZING] [INSTRUMENTAL SOLO]

[FINALE PLAYS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: THE '60s... A TIME OF CHANGE, LOVE-INS, AND HEAD TRIPS.

OF CHANGE, LOVE-INS, AND HEAD TRIPS. THE '60s MEANT PEACE MARCHES,

TRIPS. THE '60s MEANT PEACE MARCHES, LSD, DYLAN, AND WOODSTOCK, THE

THE '60s MEANT PEACE MARCHES, LSD, DYLAN, AND WOODSTOCK, THE HIPPIES WHO DROPPED ACID AND

LSD, DYLAN, AND WOODSTOCK, THE HIPPIES WHO DROPPED ACID AND DROPPED OUT.

HIPPIES WHO DROPPED ACID AND DROPPED OUT. BUT WHERE ARE THEY NOW... THE

DROPPED OUT. BUT WHERE ARE THEY NOW... THE SURVIVORS OF THE '60s?

WHERE ARE THEIR HEADS AT, AND

JUST HOW MUCH DO THEY REMEMBER

TODAY?

[Foreign accent] THE '60s

WERE BEAUTIFUL.

I TRIPPED EVERY DAY.

I WAS HIGH FOR ABOUT THREE

YEARS.

I COULDN'T GET MY HEAD

TOGETHER, SO I DROPPED OUT.

YES, I WAS A LOVE CHILD IN

THE '60s, AND IT WAS A

BEAUTIFUL, FAR-OUT TRIP.

I REMEMBER HENDRIX AT

MONTEREY AS IF IT WAS YESTERDAY.

YOU JUST CAN'T GET GOOD ACID

THESE DAYS.

I GUESS THEY CALL ME "FREE"

BECAUSE I'M SO LIBERATED.

Announcer: SO THERE IT IS...

SOME OF THE ACID GENERATION

TODAY.

A LITTLE OLDER, MELLOWER, AND PERHAPS A BIT NOSTALGIC. YES, THEY'VE CHANGED, BUT MOST

PERHAPS A BIT NOSTALGIC. YES, THEY'VE CHANGED, BUT MOST OF THEM STILL HAVE THEIR HEADS

YES, THEY'VE CHANGED, BUT MOST OF THEM STILL HAVE THEIR HEADS IN A BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL PLACE.

Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM. HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS

UPDATE" NEWS TEAM. HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN. I'M DAN, UH, AYKROYD.

DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN. I'M DAN, UH, AYKROYD. AND I'M JANE CURTIN.

I'M DAN, UH, AYKROYD. AND I'M JANE CURTIN. HERE NOW THE NEWS.

AND I'M JANE CURTIN. HERE NOW THE NEWS. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... ISRAELI

HERE NOW THE NEWS. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... ISRAELI DEFENSE MINISTER MOSHE DAYAN

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... ISRAELI DEFENSE MINISTER MOSHE DAYAN FINALLY AGREED TO MEET WITH THE

DEFENSE MINISTER MOSHE DAYAN FINALLY AGREED TO MEET WITH THE PALESTINE LIBERATION

FINALLY AGREED TO MEET WITH THE PALESTINE LIBERATION ORGANIZATION BUT SAYS HE STILL

PALESTINE LIBERATION ORGANIZATION BUT SAYS HE STILL WANTS IT KNOWN THAT HE IS STILL

ORGANIZATION BUT SAYS HE STILL WANTS IT KNOWN THAT HE IS STILL UNABLE TO RECOGNIZE THEM.

WANTS IT KNOWN THAT HE IS STILL UNABLE TO RECOGNIZE THEM. BUT THERE IS ONE PERSON WHO

UNABLE TO RECOGNIZE THEM. BUT THERE IS ONE PERSON WHO DOES RECOGNIZE HIM, JANE,

BUT THERE IS ONE PERSON WHO DOES RECOGNIZE HIM, JANE, BECAUSE IN A STUNNING DISPLAY OF

DOES RECOGNIZE HIM, JANE, BECAUSE IN A STUNNING DISPLAY OF INCISIVE, PERCEPTIVE, AND

BECAUSE IN A STUNNING DISPLAY OF INCISIVE, PERCEPTIVE, AND UNYIELDING INVESTIGATIVE

INCISIVE, PERCEPTIVE, AND UNYIELDING INVESTIGATIVE REPORTING, ABC ANCHORWOMAN

UNYIELDING INVESTIGATIVE REPORTING, ABC ANCHORWOMAN BARBARA WALTERS GOT

REPORTING, ABC ANCHORWOMAN BARBARA WALTERS GOT YASSER ARAFAT TO BREAK DOWN AND

BARBARA WALTERS GOT YASSER ARAFAT TO BREAK DOWN AND REVEAL THAT HE AND FORMER BEATLE

YASSER ARAFAT TO BREAK DOWN AND REVEAL THAT HE AND FORMER BEATLE RINGO STARR ARE THE SAME PERSON.

REVEAL THAT HE AND FORMER BEATLE RINGO STARR ARE THE SAME PERSON. THIS, HE SAID, EXPLAINS WHY THE

RINGO STARR ARE THE SAME PERSON. THIS, HE SAID, EXPLAINS WHY THE TWO OF THEM ARE NOT PHOTOGRAPHED

THIS, HE SAID, EXPLAINS WHY THE TWO OF THEM ARE NOT PHOTOGRAPHED TOGETHER ON THE "ABBEY ROAD"

TWO OF THEM ARE NOT PHOTOGRAPHED TOGETHER ON THE "ABBEY ROAD" ALBUM AND WHY ARAFAT DIDN'T

TOGETHER ON THE "ABBEY ROAD" ALBUM AND WHY ARAFAT DIDN'T APPEAR WITH THE BEATLES ON "THE

ALBUM AND WHY ARAFAT DIDN'T APPEAR WITH THE BEATLES ON "THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW."

APPEAR WITH THE BEATLES ON "THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW." I'D SAY THAT WAS GOOD WORK FOR

ED SULLIVAN SHOW." I'D SAY THAT WAS GOOD WORK FOR BARBARA.

I'D SAY THAT WAS GOOD WORK FOR BARBARA. ME TOO, DAN.

BARBARA. ME TOO, DAN. [CLEARS THROAT]

ME TOO, DAN. [CLEARS THROAT] [SIGHS]

[CLEARS THROAT] [SIGHS] I'M GOING HOME.

[SIGHS] I'M GOING HOME. OH.

I'M GOING HOME. OH. NO.

OH. NO. DAN, I THINK THE NEXT STORY

NO. DAN, I THINK THE NEXT STORY IS YOURS.

DAN, I THINK THE NEXT STORY IS YOURS. WELL, A CHICAGO MAN HAS

IS YOURS. WELL, A CHICAGO MAN HAS BROUGHT A $10 MILLION LAWSUIT

WELL, A CHICAGO MAN HAS BROUGHT A $10 MILLION LAWSUIT AGAINST THE JACK LaLANNE HEALTH

BROUGHT A $10 MILLION LAWSUIT AGAINST THE JACK LaLANNE HEALTH SPAS FOR WHAT HE CALLS GROSS

AGAINST THE JACK LaLANNE HEALTH SPAS FOR WHAT HE CALLS GROSS NEGLIGENCE IN A BODYBUILDING

SPAS FOR WHAT HE CALLS GROSS NEGLIGENCE IN A BODYBUILDING COURSE.

NEGLIGENCE IN A BODYBUILDING COURSE. HE CLAIMS THAT HIS INSTRUCTOR

COURSE. HE CLAIMS THAT HIS INSTRUCTOR HELPED HIM DEVELOP HIS RIGHT ARM

HE CLAIMS THAT HIS INSTRUCTOR HELPED HIM DEVELOP HIS RIGHT ARM AND LEFT LEG AND THEN ABANDONED

HELPED HIM DEVELOP HIS RIGHT ARM AND LEFT LEG AND THEN ABANDONED THE EXERCISES, 'CAUSING EXTREME

AND LEFT LEG AND THEN ABANDONED THE EXERCISES, 'CAUSING EXTREME EMBARRASSMENT AND REQUIRING AN

THE EXERCISES, 'CAUSING EXTREME EMBARRASSMENT AND REQUIRING AN ENTIRE NEW WARDROBE.

EMBARRASSMENT AND REQUIRING AN ENTIRE NEW WARDROBE. MORE ON THIS STORY AS HE

ENTIRE NEW WARDROBE. MORE ON THIS STORY AS HE DEVELOPS.

MORE ON THIS STORY AS HE DEVELOPS. "DAN."

DEVELOPS. "DAN." IN HIS ADDRESS TO THE

"DAN." IN HIS ADDRESS TO THE UNITED NATIONS THIS WEEK,

IN HIS ADDRESS TO THE UNITED NATIONS THIS WEEK, PRESIDENT CARTER STATED THAT THE

UNITED NATIONS THIS WEEK, PRESIDENT CARTER STATED THAT THE UNITED STATES WOULD NEVER USE

PRESIDENT CARTER STATED THAT THE UNITED STATES WOULD NEVER USE NUCLEAR WEAPONS EXCEPT IN

UNITED STATES WOULD NEVER USE NUCLEAR WEAPONS EXCEPT IN SELF-DEFENSE.

NUCLEAR WEAPONS EXCEPT IN SELF-DEFENSE. AS HE WAS LEAVING THE BUILDING,

SELF-DEFENSE. AS HE WAS LEAVING THE BUILDING, A BYSTANDER THREW A RIPE TOMATO

AS HE WAS LEAVING THE BUILDING, A BYSTANDER THREW A RIPE TOMATO AT THE PRESIDENT.

A BYSTANDER THREW A RIPE TOMATO AT THE PRESIDENT. CARTER, TRUE TO HIS WORD,

AT THE PRESIDENT. CARTER, TRUE TO HIS WORD, RETALIATED BY THROWING A SMALL

CARTER, TRUE TO HIS WORD, RETALIATED BY THROWING A SMALL NEUTRON BOMB AT THE BYSTANDER,

RETALIATED BY THROWING A SMALL NEUTRON BOMB AT THE BYSTANDER, KILLING HIM INSTANTLY, BUT,

NEUTRON BOMB AT THE BYSTANDER, KILLING HIM INSTANTLY, BUT, FORTUNATELY, SPARING THE

KILLING HIM INSTANTLY, BUT, FORTUNATELY, SPARING THE UNITED NATIONS BUILDING.

FORTUNATELY, SPARING THE UNITED NATIONS BUILDING. AFTERWARDS, PRESIDENT CARTER

UNITED NATIONS BUILDING. AFTERWARDS, PRESIDENT CARTER PAID A VISIT TO THE BRONX, WHERE

AFTERWARDS, PRESIDENT CARTER PAID A VISIT TO THE BRONX, WHERE HE GOT A FEEL OF THAT

PAID A VISIT TO THE BRONX, WHERE HE GOT A FEEL OF THAT NEIGHBORHOOD.

HE GOT A FEEL OF THAT NEIGHBORHOOD. TELEVISION WAS ON TRIAL THIS

NEIGHBORHOOD. TELEVISION WAS ON TRIAL THIS WEEK IN MIAMI, FLORIDA.

TELEVISION WAS ON TRIAL THIS WEEK IN MIAMI, FLORIDA. 15-YEAR-OLD RODNEY ZAMORA'S

WEEK IN MIAMI, FLORIDA. 15-YEAR-OLD RODNEY ZAMORA'S DEFENSE LAWYER HAD CLAIMED THAT

15-YEAR-OLD RODNEY ZAMORA'S DEFENSE LAWYER HAD CLAIMED THAT WATCHING TELEVISION SHOWS SUCH

DEFENSE LAWYER HAD CLAIMED THAT WATCHING TELEVISION SHOWS SUCH AS "KOJAK" HAD BRAINWASHED

WATCHING TELEVISION SHOWS SUCH AS "KOJAK" HAD BRAINWASHED ZAMORA INTO INVOLUNTARILY

AS "KOJAK" HAD BRAINWASHED ZAMORA INTO INVOLUNTARILY KILLING AN ELDERLY MIAMI WOMAN.

ZAMORA INTO INVOLUNTARILY KILLING AN ELDERLY MIAMI WOMAN. THE JURY CONVICTED ZAMORA BUT

KILLING AN ELDERLY MIAMI WOMAN. THE JURY CONVICTED ZAMORA BUT REVERSED THEIR DECISION QUICKLY

THE JURY CONVICTED ZAMORA BUT REVERSED THEIR DECISION QUICKLY TO JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE WHEN

REVERSED THEIR DECISION QUICKLY TO JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE WHEN THEY LEARNED THAT HE HAD BEEN

TO JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE WHEN THEY LEARNED THAT HE HAD BEEN WATCHING NOT "KOJAK," BUT RATHER

THEY LEARNED THAT HE HAD BEEN WATCHING NOT "KOJAK," BUT RATHER THE DAYTIME TALK SHOW "DINAH!"

WATCHING NOT "KOJAK," BUT RATHER THE DAYTIME TALK SHOW "DINAH!" AND IN A RELATED STORY, NEXT

THE DAYTIME TALK SHOW "DINAH!" AND IN A RELATED STORY, NEXT WEEK, REAL LIFE GOES ON TRIAL IN

AND IN A RELATED STORY, NEXT WEEK, REAL LIFE GOES ON TRIAL IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

WEEK, REAL LIFE GOES ON TRIAL IN WASHINGTON, D.C. THE SENATE COMMITTEE ON

WASHINGTON, D.C. THE SENATE COMMITTEE ON BROADCASTING AND COMMUNICATION

THE SENATE COMMITTEE ON BROADCASTING AND COMMUNICATION REGULATIONS HAS FOUND THAT

BROADCASTING AND COMMUNICATION REGULATIONS HAS FOUND THAT VIOLENCE IN REAL LIFE CAUSES

REGULATIONS HAS FOUND THAT VIOLENCE IN REAL LIFE CAUSES VIOLENCE ON TELEVISION.

VIOLENCE IN REAL LIFE CAUSES VIOLENCE ON TELEVISION. SENATORS WANT TO HAVE LESS

VIOLENCE ON TELEVISION. SENATORS WANT TO HAVE LESS VIOLENCE IN REAL LIFE THIS

SENATORS WANT TO HAVE LESS VIOLENCE IN REAL LIFE THIS SEASON, BUT THEY SEE A TENDENCY

VIOLENCE IN REAL LIFE THIS SEASON, BUT THEY SEE A TENDENCY TOWARDS MORE SEX.

SEASON, BUT THEY SEE A TENDENCY TOWARDS MORE SEX. MORE SEX IN REAL LIFE.

TOWARDS MORE SEX. MORE SEX IN REAL LIFE. I GUESS THAT'S WHAT AMERICA

MORE SEX IN REAL LIFE. I GUESS THAT'S WHAT AMERICA WANTS.

I GUESS THAT'S WHAT AMERICA WANTS. JANE?

WANTS. JANE? AND SO DO I, DAN.

JANE? AND SO DO I, DAN. A LAKER SKYTRAIN FLIGHT FROM

AND SO DO I, DAN. A LAKER SKYTRAIN FLIGHT FROM LONDON TO NEW YORK HAS BEEN

A LAKER SKYTRAIN FLIGHT FROM LONDON TO NEW YORK HAS BEEN HIJACKED.

LONDON TO NEW YORK HAS BEEN HIJACKED. AN ECONOMY-MINDED TERRORIST

HIJACKED. AN ECONOMY-MINDED TERRORIST GROUP WHO CALL THEMSELVES THE

AN ECONOMY-MINDED TERRORIST GROUP WHO CALL THEMSELVES THE BUDGETEERS ARE DEMANDING $100 IN

GROUP WHO CALL THEMSELVES THE BUDGETEERS ARE DEMANDING $100 IN UNMARKED NICKELS, BLANKET

BUDGETEERS ARE DEMANDING $100 IN UNMARKED NICKELS, BLANKET AMNESTY FOR THOSE WITH LIBRARY

UNMARKED NICKELS, BLANKET AMNESTY FOR THOSE WITH LIBRARY FINES, AND FREE BUS PASSAGE TO

AMNESTY FOR THOSE WITH LIBRARY FINES, AND FREE BUS PASSAGE TO SCRANTON.

FINES, AND FREE BUS PASSAGE TO SCRANTON. THE SKYJACKERS ARE NOW IN

SCRANTON. THE SKYJACKERS ARE NOW IN NEGOTIATION WITH PINKERTON

THE SKYJACKERS ARE NOW IN NEGOTIATION WITH PINKERTON POLICE, AND WE'LL HAVE MORE ON

NEGOTIATION WITH PINKERTON POLICE, AND WE'LL HAVE MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT DEVELOPS.

POLICE, AND WE'LL HAVE MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT DEVELOPS. [TAPPING]

THIS STORY AS IT DEVELOPS. [TAPPING] UH, WE HAVE THE, UH, NBC

[TAPPING] UH, WE HAVE THE, UH, NBC DANCING "N," OF COURSE, COMING

UH, WE HAVE THE, UH, NBC DANCING "N," OF COURSE, COMING IN NOW.

DANCING "N," OF COURSE, COMING IN NOW. I GUESS THIS MUST BE AN URGENT

IN NOW. I GUESS THIS MUST BE AN URGENT BULLETIN.

THAT WAS THE NBC DANCING "N," OF COURSE. WE HAVE AN URGENT BULLETIN HERE

COURSE. WE HAVE AN URGENT BULLETIN HERE IF I CAN JUST GET STRAIGHTENED

WE HAVE AN URGENT BULLETIN HERE IF I CAN JUST GET STRAIGHTENED AWAY.

IF I CAN JUST GET STRAIGHTENED AWAY. A MEDICAL RESEARCH TEAM AT

AWAY. A MEDICAL RESEARCH TEAM AT MOUNT SINAI HOSPITAL HAS PUT TO

A MEDICAL RESEARCH TEAM AT MOUNT SINAI HOSPITAL HAS PUT TO REST THAT OLD ADAGE "FEED A

MOUNT SINAI HOSPITAL HAS PUT TO REST THAT OLD ADAGE "FEED A COLD, STARVE A FEVER."

REST THAT OLD ADAGE "FEED A COLD, STARVE A FEVER." THAT'S THE VERY LEAST YOU

COLD, STARVE A FEVER." THAT'S THE VERY LEAST YOU SHOULD DO TO THE FEVER,

THAT'S THE VERY LEAST YOU SHOULD DO TO THE FEVER, EXPLAINED A SPOKESMAN FOR THE

SHOULD DO TO THE FEVER, EXPLAINED A SPOKESMAN FOR THE HOSPITAL, SUGGESTING THAT A

EXPLAINED A SPOKESMAN FOR THE HOSPITAL, SUGGESTING THAT A SOUNDER, MORE USEFUL ADVICE

HOSPITAL, SUGGESTING THAT A SOUNDER, MORE USEFUL ADVICE MIGHT BE, "FEED A COLD, RAPE AND

SOUNDER, MORE USEFUL ADVICE MIGHT BE, "FEED A COLD, RAPE AND STRANGLE A FEVER."

MIGHT BE, "FEED A COLD, RAPE AND STRANGLE A FEVER." YOU KNOW, MY GRANDMOTHER USED TO

STRANGLE A FEVER." YOU KNOW, MY GRANDMOTHER USED TO SAY, "SWALLOW A COLD AND TAKE A

YOU KNOW, MY GRANDMOTHER USED TO SAY, "SWALLOW A COLD AND TAKE A CHAIN SAW TO A FEVER."

SAY, "SWALLOW A COLD AND TAKE A CHAIN SAW TO A FEVER." SO DID MINE.

CHAIN SAW TO A FEVER." SO DID MINE. WELL, IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE

SO DID MINE. WELL, IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE THAT IT'S BEEN TWO DECADES SINCE

WELL, IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE THAT IT'S BEEN TWO DECADES SINCE THE ADVENT OF THE SPACE AGE, BUT

THAT IT'S BEEN TWO DECADES SINCE THE ADVENT OF THE SPACE AGE, BUT IT'S TRUE.

THE ADVENT OF THE SPACE AGE, BUT IT'S TRUE. THIS TUESDAY MARKED THE 20th

IT'S TRUE. THIS TUESDAY MARKED THE 20th ANNIVERSARY OF RUSSIA'S LAUNCH

THIS TUESDAY MARKED THE 20th ANNIVERSARY OF RUSSIA'S LAUNCH OF ITS SPUTNIK SATELLITE, AND

ANNIVERSARY OF RUSSIA'S LAUNCH OF ITS SPUTNIK SATELLITE, AND "WEEKEND UPDATE" HAS OBTAINED A

OF ITS SPUTNIK SATELLITE, AND "WEEKEND UPDATE" HAS OBTAINED A FILM OF THAT HISTORIC LAUNCH.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" HAS OBTAINED A FILM OF THAT HISTORIC LAUNCH. CAN WE ROLL THAT TAPE, PLEASE?

FILM OF THAT HISTORIC LAUNCH. CAN WE ROLL THAT TAPE, PLEASE? [PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

OH, BOY. OH, BOY. [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

THANKS. THANKS A LOT. IN COMMEMORATION OF GALILEO'S

THANKS A LOT. IN COMMEMORATION OF GALILEO'S BIRTHDAY, A GROUP OF ITALIAN

IN COMMEMORATION OF GALILEO'S BIRTHDAY, A GROUP OF ITALIAN COLLEGE STUDENTS DEMONSTRATED

BIRTHDAY, A GROUP OF ITALIAN COLLEGE STUDENTS DEMONSTRATED ONE OF THE ASTRONOMER'S MORE

COLLEGE STUDENTS DEMONSTRATED ONE OF THE ASTRONOMER'S MORE POPULAR THEORIES BY DROPPING A

ONE OF THE ASTRONOMER'S MORE POPULAR THEORIES BY DROPPING A TRUCK AND A MAN OF UNEQUAL

POPULAR THEORIES BY DROPPING A TRUCK AND A MAN OF UNEQUAL WEIGHT SIMULTANEOUSLY FROM THE

TRUCK AND A MAN OF UNEQUAL WEIGHT SIMULTANEOUSLY FROM THE TOP OF A BUILDING.

WEIGHT SIMULTANEOUSLY FROM THE TOP OF A BUILDING. AND TO NO ONE'S SURPRISE, THEY

TOP OF A BUILDING. AND TO NO ONE'S SURPRISE, THEY LANDED AT THE SAME TIME.

AND TO NO ONE'S SURPRISE, THEY LANDED AT THE SAME TIME. SMART MAN... THAT GALILEO.

LANDED AT THE SAME TIME. SMART MAN... THAT GALILEO. JOAN.

SMART MAN... THAT GALILEO. JOAN. INDEED HE WAS, DAN.

JOAN. INDEED HE WAS, DAN. AND IN ANOTHER SCIENCE-RELATED

INDEED HE WAS, DAN. AND IN ANOTHER SCIENCE-RELATED STORY, A SPIDER MADE THE NEWS

AND IN ANOTHER SCIENCE-RELATED STORY, A SPIDER MADE THE NEWS THIS WEEK WHEN HE SPUN A WEB

STORY, A SPIDER MADE THE NEWS THIS WEEK WHEN HE SPUN A WEB THAT LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE

THIS WEEK WHEN HE SPUN A WEB THAT LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE JOHN DENVER'S SON.

THAT LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE JOHN DENVER'S SON. AND NOW BILL MURRAY WITH THIS

JOHN DENVER'S SON. AND NOW BILL MURRAY WITH THIS WEEK'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" REVIEW.

AND NOW BILL MURRAY WITH THIS WEEK'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" REVIEW. BILL?

WEEK'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" REVIEW. BILL? THANKS, JANE.

BILL? THANKS, JANE. HELLO, ALL YOU KNUCKLEHEADS.

THANKS, JANE. HELLO, ALL YOU KNUCKLEHEADS. GET OUT OF HERE. I MEAN IT.

HELLO, ALL YOU KNUCKLEHEADS. GET OUT OF HERE. I MEAN IT. TONIGHT I'M GONNA BE REVIEWING

GET OUT OF HERE. I MEAN IT. TONIGHT I'M GONNA BE REVIEWING THE NEW "DONNY & MARIE" SHOW,

TONIGHT I'M GONNA BE REVIEWING THE NEW "DONNY & MARIE" SHOW, SPECIFICALLY THE NEW MARIE.

THE NEW "DONNY & MARIE" SHOW, SPECIFICALLY THE NEW MARIE. UNFORTUNATELY, I HAVEN'T SEEN

SPECIFICALLY THE NEW MARIE. UNFORTUNATELY, I HAVEN'T SEEN THE SHOW YET, SO I ASKED THE

UNFORTUNATELY, I HAVEN'T SEEN THE SHOW YET, SO I ASKED THE PRODUCERS TO SEND ME A TAPE OF

THE SHOW YET, SO I ASKED THE PRODUCERS TO SEND ME A TAPE OF THE SHOW, AND THEY SAID, "WELL,

PRODUCERS TO SEND ME A TAPE OF THE SHOW, AND THEY SAID, "WELL, WE HAVE TO KNOW WHAT YOUR

THE SHOW, AND THEY SAID, "WELL, WE HAVE TO KNOW WHAT YOUR REVIEW'S GONNA BE."

WE HAVE TO KNOW WHAT YOUR REVIEW'S GONNA BE." WELL, BILL MURRAY DOESN'T

REVIEW'S GONNA BE." WELL, BILL MURRAY DOESN'T OPERATE THAT WAY, FELLAS.

WELL, BILL MURRAY DOESN'T OPERATE THAT WAY, FELLAS. I WILL NOT COMPROMISE MYSELF FOR

OPERATE THAT WAY, FELLAS. I WILL NOT COMPROMISE MYSELF FOR A PIECE OF VIDEOTAPE.

I WILL NOT COMPROMISE MYSELF FOR A PIECE OF VIDEOTAPE. DO YOU GET ME?

A PIECE OF VIDEOTAPE. DO YOU GET ME? SORRY. IT'S THE WAY I'M BUILT.

DO YOU GET ME? SORRY. IT'S THE WAY I'M BUILT. GET OUT OF HERE. I'M SORRY.

SORRY. IT'S THE WAY I'M BUILT. GET OUT OF HERE. I'M SORRY. LOOK, FELLAS, WE'RE THE TV

GET OUT OF HERE. I'M SORRY. LOOK, FELLAS, WE'RE THE TV INDUSTRY.

LOOK, FELLAS, WE'RE THE TV INDUSTRY. WE MAKE IT AS A GROUP, OR WE

INDUSTRY. WE MAKE IT AS A GROUP, OR WE DON'T MAKE IT AT ALL.

WE MAKE IT AS A GROUP, OR WE DON'T MAKE IT AT ALL. AND IF YOU THINK YOU CAN KEEP

DON'T MAKE IT AT ALL. AND IF YOU THINK YOU CAN KEEP THE TRUTH FROM THE AMERICAN

AND IF YOU THINK YOU CAN KEEP THE TRUTH FROM THE AMERICAN PEOPLE... UNH-UNH.

THE TRUTH FROM THE AMERICAN PEOPLE... UNH-UNH. THEY'RE TOO BRIGHT FOR THAT.

PEOPLE... UNH-UNH. THEY'RE TOO BRIGHT FOR THAT. THE APPLAUSE LIGHT.

THEY'RE TOO BRIGHT FOR THAT. THE APPLAUSE LIGHT. COULD YOU HIT IT?

THE APPLAUSE LIGHT. COULD YOU HIT IT? HIT THE LIGHT.

COULD YOU HIT IT? HIT THE LIGHT. [APPLAUSE]

HIT THE LIGHT. [APPLAUSE] THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE] THANK YOU. YOU'RE TOO KIND.

THANK YOU. YOU'RE TOO KIND. I MEAN IT.

YOU'RE TOO KIND. I MEAN IT. THIS IS ME TALKING NOW, FROM THE

I MEAN IT. THIS IS ME TALKING NOW, FROM THE HEART.

THIS IS ME TALKING NOW, FROM THE HEART. COME ON. LET'S HEAR IT FOR TV.

HEART. COME ON. LET'S HEAR IT FOR TV. IT'S GREAT. OKAY.

COME ON. LET'S HEAR IT FOR TV. IT'S GREAT. OKAY. HEY, LITTLE GIRL, WHO ARE YOU?

IT'S GREAT. OKAY. HEY, LITTLE GIRL, WHO ARE YOU? YOU'RE TOO CUTE TO BE TRUE,

HEY, LITTLE GIRL, WHO ARE YOU? YOU'RE TOO CUTE TO BE TRUE, THAT'S FOR SURE.

YOU'RE TOO CUTE TO BE TRUE, THAT'S FOR SURE. REMEMBER WHEN SHE FIRST BROKE

THAT'S FOR SURE. REMEMBER WHEN SHE FIRST BROKE OUR HEARTS?

REMEMBER WHEN SHE FIRST BROKE OUR HEARTS? A LITTLE PROTECTED BY HER OLDER

OUR HEARTS? A LITTLE PROTECTED BY HER OLDER BROTHERS.

A LITTLE PROTECTED BY HER OLDER BROTHERS. SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY, DOESN'T

BROTHERS. SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY, DOESN'T IT?

SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY, DOESN'T IT? WHAT VITALITY, WHAT FRESHNESS.

IT? WHAT VITALITY, WHAT FRESHNESS. I'VE BEEN A ONE-MAN FAN CLUB OF

WHAT VITALITY, WHAT FRESHNESS. I'VE BEEN A ONE-MAN FAN CLUB OF THAT LITTLE THING FOR AS LONG AS

I'VE BEEN A ONE-MAN FAN CLUB OF THAT LITTLE THING FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER, BUT THIS YEAR

THAT LITTLE THING FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER, BUT THIS YEAR SOMETHING'S HAPPENED.

I CAN REMEMBER, BUT THIS YEAR SOMETHING'S HAPPENED. IT STARTED IN THE TRADE

SOMETHING'S HAPPENED. IT STARTED IN THE TRADE PAPERS... RUMORS THAT THERE WAS

IT STARTED IN THE TRADE PAPERS... RUMORS THAT THERE WAS GONNA BE A NEW MARIE.

PAPERS... RUMORS THAT THERE WAS GONNA BE A NEW MARIE. WE WERE ALL A LITTLE BIT

GONNA BE A NEW MARIE. WE WERE ALL A LITTLE BIT FRIGHTENED, AND THEN WE SAW THE

WE WERE ALL A LITTLE BIT FRIGHTENED, AND THEN WE SAW THE TRAGIC TRUTH.

FRIGHTENED, AND THEN WE SAW THE TRAGIC TRUTH. YES. WHO IS THIS GIRL?

TRAGIC TRUTH. YES. WHO IS THIS GIRL? IS SHE STILL A LITTLE BIT

YES. WHO IS THIS GIRL? IS SHE STILL A LITTLE BIT COUNTRY TO DONNY'S A LITTLE BIT

IS SHE STILL A LITTLE BIT COUNTRY TO DONNY'S A LITTLE BIT ROCK 'N' ROLL.

COUNTRY TO DONNY'S A LITTLE BIT ROCK 'N' ROLL. WELL, YOU KNOW, I TRIED TO CALL

ROCK 'N' ROLL. WELL, YOU KNOW, I TRIED TO CALL MARIE TO TALK WITH HER ABOUT

WELL, YOU KNOW, I TRIED TO CALL MARIE TO TALK WITH HER ABOUT THIS BUT COULDN'T GET HER.

MARIE TO TALK WITH HER ABOUT THIS BUT COULDN'T GET HER. SUPPOSEDLY SHE'S "NOT LISTED" IN

THIS BUT COULDN'T GET HER. SUPPOSEDLY SHE'S "NOT LISTED" IN THE PHONE BOOK.

SUPPOSEDLY SHE'S "NOT LISTED" IN THE PHONE BOOK. OKAY, MARIE. DON'T TALK TO ME.

THE PHONE BOOK. OKAY, MARIE. DON'T TALK TO ME. BUT I'VE GOT TO SAY SOMETHING

OKAY, MARIE. DON'T TALK TO ME. BUT I'VE GOT TO SAY SOMETHING BEFORE I DIE WITH A ROCK IN MY

BUT I'VE GOT TO SAY SOMETHING BEFORE I DIE WITH A ROCK IN MY HEART THE SIZE OF

BEFORE I DIE WITH A ROCK IN MY HEART THE SIZE OF MOUNT RUSHMORE.

HEART THE SIZE OF MOUNT RUSHMORE. I READ IN TV GUIDE THAT YOU GOT

MOUNT RUSHMORE. I READ IN TV GUIDE THAT YOU GOT CHER'S DESIGNER DRESSING YOU

I READ IN TV GUIDE THAT YOU GOT CHER'S DESIGNER DRESSING YOU NOW.

CHER'S DESIGNER DRESSING YOU NOW. HONEY, LISTEN TO BILL.

NOW. HONEY, LISTEN TO BILL. HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S TALKING

HONEY, LISTEN TO BILL. HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT. CHER BONO IS A STAR.

ABOUT. CHER BONO IS A STAR. SHE KNOWS THAT, AND I KNOW THAT

CHER BONO IS A STAR. SHE KNOWS THAT, AND I KNOW THAT SHE KNOWS I KNOW THAT.

SHE KNOWS THAT, AND I KNOW THAT SHE KNOWS I KNOW THAT. BUT MARIE OSMOND IS A SUPERSTAR,

SHE KNOWS I KNOW THAT. BUT MARIE OSMOND IS A SUPERSTAR, WHATEVER THAT IS, AND CHER IS

BUT MARIE OSMOND IS A SUPERSTAR, WHATEVER THAT IS, AND CHER IS CHER, AND YOU ARE YOU.

WHATEVER THAT IS, AND CHER IS CHER, AND YOU ARE YOU. NOW, DO YOU WANT TO BE CHER,

CHER, AND YOU ARE YOU. NOW, DO YOU WANT TO BE CHER, HUH?

NOW, DO YOU WANT TO BE CHER, HUH? YOU WANT TO WORK WITH

HUH? YOU WANT TO WORK WITH SONNY BONO?

YOU WANT TO WORK WITH SONNY BONO? THINK ABOUT IT.

SONNY BONO? THINK ABOUT IT. SONNY AND MARIE?

THINK ABOUT IT. SONNY AND MARIE? SONNY AND MARIE?

SONNY AND MARIE? SONNY AND MARIE? IT'S A HORRIFYING THOUGHT.

SONNY AND MARIE? IT'S A HORRIFYING THOUGHT. NO! NO! PLEASE, NO, MARIE.

IT'S A HORRIFYING THOUGHT. NO! NO! PLEASE, NO, MARIE. JUST BE MARIE AND LET IT ALL

NO! NO! PLEASE, NO, MARIE. JUST BE MARIE AND LET IT ALL HANG OUT.

JUST BE MARIE AND LET IT ALL HANG OUT. THIS IS NOT A CHER BUTTON I'M

HANG OUT. THIS IS NOT A CHER BUTTON I'M WEARING TONIGHT.

THIS IS NOT A CHER BUTTON I'M WEARING TONIGHT. IT'S A MARIE BUTTON.

WEARING TONIGHT. IT'S A MARIE BUTTON. FINALLY, WITH ALL THOSE BROTHERS

IT'S A MARIE BUTTON. FINALLY, WITH ALL THOSE BROTHERS YOU'VE GOT, YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF

FINALLY, WITH ALL THOSE BROTHERS YOU'VE GOT, YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF PEOPLE GIVING YOU ADVICE, BUT

YOU'VE GOT, YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF PEOPLE GIVING YOU ADVICE, BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE PERSON YOU CAN

PEOPLE GIVING YOU ADVICE, BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE PERSON YOU CAN LISTEN TO... DONNY.

THERE'S ONLY ONE PERSON YOU CAN LISTEN TO... DONNY. HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO'S BEEN

LISTEN TO... DONNY. HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO'S BEEN THROUGH WHAT YOU'VE BEEN

HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO'S BEEN THROUGH WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH, HONEY.

THROUGH WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH, HONEY. HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS.

THROUGH, HONEY. HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS. LOVE HIM, TRUST HIM, LISTEN TO

HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS. LOVE HIM, TRUST HIM, LISTEN TO HIM.

LOVE HIM, TRUST HIM, LISTEN TO HIM. YEARS FROM NOW WHEN CHER'S

HIM. YEARS FROM NOW WHEN CHER'S DESIGNER IS DOING ROAD COMPANIES

YEARS FROM NOW WHEN CHER'S DESIGNER IS DOING ROAD COMPANIES OF "HELLO, DOLLY," DONNY OSMOND

DESIGNER IS DOING ROAD COMPANIES OF "HELLO, DOLLY," DONNY OSMOND WILL STILL BE AT YOUR SIDE...

OF "HELLO, DOLLY," DONNY OSMOND WILL STILL BE AT YOUR SIDE... AND SO WILL I, MARIE, AND I MEAN

WILL STILL BE AT YOUR SIDE... AND SO WILL I, MARIE, AND I MEAN IT.

AND SO WILL I, MARIE, AND I MEAN IT. GET OUT OF HERE, YOU CUTE LITTLE

IT. GET OUT OF HERE, YOU CUTE LITTLE KNUCKLEHEAD.

GET OUT OF HERE, YOU CUTE LITTLE KNUCKLEHEAD. GO HAVE SOME FUN.

KNUCKLEHEAD. GO HAVE SOME FUN. BILL MURRAY.

GO HAVE SOME FUN. BILL MURRAY. OVER TO YOU, DAN.

BILL MURRAY. OVER TO YOU, DAN. GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT.

EVANGELIST BILLY GRAHAM THIS WEEK PREDICTED HE WILL DIE WITHIN 10 YEARS, GO TO HEAVEN,

WEEK PREDICTED HE WILL DIE WITHIN 10 YEARS, GO TO HEAVEN, AND MEET ELVIS PRESLEY.

WITHIN 10 YEARS, GO TO HEAVEN, AND MEET ELVIS PRESLEY. ALMOST IMMEDIATELY, THE THREE

AND MEET ELVIS PRESLEY. ALMOST IMMEDIATELY, THE THREE NETWORKS BEGAN BIDDING FOR

ALMOST IMMEDIATELY, THE THREE NETWORKS BEGAN BIDDING FOR TELEVISION RIGHTS TO THE EVENT.

NETWORKS BEGAN BIDDING FOR TELEVISION RIGHTS TO THE EVENT. THE DEAL WAS FINALLY LOCKED UP

TELEVISION RIGHTS TO THE EVENT. THE DEAL WAS FINALLY LOCKED UP BY THE AMERICAN BROADCASTING

THE DEAL WAS FINALLY LOCKED UP BY THE AMERICAN BROADCASTING COMPANY, WHICH SAID IT WAS

BY THE AMERICAN BROADCASTING COMPANY, WHICH SAID IT WAS PREPARED TO KILL AN ENTIRE

COMPANY, WHICH SAID IT WAS PREPARED TO KILL AN ENTIRE MOBILE-UNIT CREW AND SEND IT TO

PREPARED TO KILL AN ENTIRE MOBILE-UNIT CREW AND SEND IT TO HEAVEN TO COVER THIS HISTORIC

MOBILE-UNIT CREW AND SEND IT TO HEAVEN TO COVER THIS HISTORIC MEETING.

HEAVEN TO COVER THIS HISTORIC MEETING. BUDDY CARTER WAS PROPERLY

MEETING. BUDDY CARTER WAS PROPERLY IDENTIFIED AS BILLY CARTER'S SON

BUDDY CARTER WAS PROPERLY IDENTIFIED AS BILLY CARTER'S SON BY ALL FOUR PANELISTS ON

IDENTIFIED AS BILLY CARTER'S SON BY ALL FOUR PANELISTS ON "TO TELL THE TRUTH."

BY ALL FOUR PANELISTS ON "TO TELL THE TRUTH." AFTERWARDS, THE IMPOSTERS, AS

"TO TELL THE TRUTH." AFTERWARDS, THE IMPOSTERS, AS WELL AS THE STAFF OF THE SHOW,

AFTERWARDS, THE IMPOSTERS, AS WELL AS THE STAFF OF THE SHOW, ALL AGREED THAT THE PANELISTS

WELL AS THE STAFF OF THE SHOW, ALL AGREED THAT THE PANELISTS WOULD HAVE HAD A HARDER TIME

ALL AGREED THAT THE PANELISTS WOULD HAVE HAD A HARDER TIME IDENTIFYING BUDDY HAD HIS FATHER

WOULD HAVE HAD A HARDER TIME IDENTIFYING BUDDY HAD HIS FATHER NOT STOOD BEHIND DURING THE

IDENTIFYING BUDDY HAD HIS FATHER NOT STOOD BEHIND DURING THE ENTIRE COURSE OF THE PROGRAM.

NOT STOOD BEHIND DURING THE ENTIRE COURSE OF THE PROGRAM. HERE'S THE LATEST DEVELOPMENT IN

ENTIRE COURSE OF THE PROGRAM. HERE'S THE LATEST DEVELOPMENT IN THAT CONTINUING STORY WE'VE BEEN

HERE'S THE LATEST DEVELOPMENT IN THAT CONTINUING STORY WE'VE BEEN FOLLOWING OUT OF BURMA.

THAT CONTINUING STORY WE'VE BEEN FOLLOWING OUT OF BURMA. COMING BACK TO MANDALAY, WHERE

FOLLOWING OUT OF BURMA. COMING BACK TO MANDALAY, WHERE THE FLYING FISHES PLAY AND THE

COMING BACK TO MANDALAY, WHERE THE FLYING FISHES PLAY AND THE DAWN COMES UP LIKE THUNDER OUT

THE FLYING FISHES PLAY AND THE DAWN COMES UP LIKE THUNDER OUT OF CHINA ACROSS THE BAY.

DAWN COMES UP LIKE THUNDER OUT OF CHINA ACROSS THE BAY. MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT

OF CHINA ACROSS THE BAY. MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT DEVELOPS.

MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT DEVELOPS. THAT'S ROD McKUEN, ISN'T IT?

DEVELOPS. THAT'S ROD McKUEN, ISN'T IT? OH.

THAT'S ROD McKUEN, ISN'T IT? OH. I DON'T KNOW.

OH. I DON'T KNOW. WELL, TODAY IS THE BIRTHDAY OF A

I DON'T KNOW. WELL, TODAY IS THE BIRTHDAY OF A GOOD FRIEND OF OURS, AS A MATTER

WELL, TODAY IS THE BIRTHDAY OF A GOOD FRIEND OF OURS, AS A MATTER OF FACT... A GUY WHO USED TO

GOOD FRIEND OF OURS, AS A MATTER OF FACT... A GUY WHO USED TO OCCUPY THIS CHAIR ON "WEEKEND

OF FACT... A GUY WHO USED TO OCCUPY THIS CHAIR ON "WEEKEND UPDATE."

OCCUPY THIS CHAIR ON "WEEKEND UPDATE." THAT'S RIGHT.

UPDATE." THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S CHEVY CHASE'S BIRTHDAY.

THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S CHEVY CHASE'S BIRTHDAY. [APPLAUSE]

IT'S CHEVY CHASE'S BIRTHDAY. [APPLAUSE] AND, UH, WE JUST WANT TO, YOU

[APPLAUSE] AND, UH, WE JUST WANT TO, YOU KNOW, SAY WE MISS YOU, CHEVY.

AND, UH, WE JUST WANT TO, YOU KNOW, SAY WE MISS YOU, CHEVY. WE LOVE YOU, CHEVY.

KNOW, SAY WE MISS YOU, CHEVY. WE LOVE YOU, CHEVY. WE'D JUST LIKE TO SAY FROM

WE LOVE YOU, CHEVY. WE'D JUST LIKE TO SAY FROM ALL OF US, HAVE A HAPPY 37th.

WE'D JUST LIKE TO SAY FROM ALL OF US, HAVE A HAPPY 37th. THAT'S THE NEWS.

ALL OF US, HAVE A HAPPY 37th. THAT'S THE NEWS. GOOD NIGHT.

THAT'S THE NEWS. GOOD NIGHT. HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT. HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW. I'M DAN AYKROYD.

HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW. I'M DAN AYKROYD. I'M JANE CURTIN.

I'M DAN AYKROYD. I'M JANE CURTIN. Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"

I'M JANE CURTIN. Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE" WAS A PRESENTATION OF SATURDAY

Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE" WAS A PRESENTATION OF SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS, KEEPING AMERICA

WAS A PRESENTATION OF SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS, KEEPING AMERICA INFORMED FOR OVER A FIFTIETH OF

NIGHT NEWS, KEEPING AMERICA INFORMED FOR OVER A FIFTIETH OF A CENTURY.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS IN THE ARMY, THERE WAS A GUY IN OUR OUTFIT... A QUIET, LITTLE GUY

ARMY, THERE WAS A GUY IN OUR OUTFIT... A QUIET, LITTLE GUY WHO ALWAYS HAD A KIND WORD FOR

OUTFIT... A QUIET, LITTLE GUY WHO ALWAYS HAD A KIND WORD FOR EVERYBODY, AND THIS GUY NEVER

WHO ALWAYS HAD A KIND WORD FOR EVERYBODY, AND THIS GUY NEVER WENT TO CHURCH.

EVERYBODY, AND THIS GUY NEVER WENT TO CHURCH. INSTEAD, HE'D GO BOWLING EVERY

WENT TO CHURCH. INSTEAD, HE'D GO BOWLING EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.

INSTEAD, HE'D GO BOWLING EVERY SUNDAY MORNING. SO, ONE DAY THE CHAPLAIN SAW

SUNDAY MORNING. SO, ONE DAY THE CHAPLAIN SAW HIM, AND HE WENT OVER AND ASKED,

SO, ONE DAY THE CHAPLAIN SAW HIM, AND HE WENT OVER AND ASKED, "SOLDIER, WHY ARE YOU BOWLING ON

HIM, AND HE WENT OVER AND ASKED, "SOLDIER, WHY ARE YOU BOWLING ON THE LORD'S DAY?"

"SOLDIER, WHY ARE YOU BOWLING ON THE LORD'S DAY?" THE LITTLE GUY SORT OF SMILED,

THE LORD'S DAY?" THE LITTLE GUY SORT OF SMILED, AND THIS IS WHAT HE SAID.

THE LITTLE GUY SORT OF SMILED, AND THIS IS WHAT HE SAID. ♪ LIFE IS LIKE A BOWLING

AND THIS IS WHAT HE SAID. ♪ LIFE IS LIKE A BOWLING ALLEY ♪

♪ LIFE IS LIKE A BOWLING ALLEY ♪ ♪ THERE'S A FAST LANE AND A

ALLEY ♪ ♪ THERE'S A FAST LANE AND A SLOW ♪

♪ THERE'S A FAST LANE AND A SLOW ♪ ♪ AND A SCORESHEET UP IN HEAVEN

SLOW ♪ ♪ AND A SCORESHEET UP IN HEAVEN WHICH RECORDS THE DEEDS BELOW ♪

♪ AND A SCORESHEET UP IN HEAVEN WHICH RECORDS THE DEEDS BELOW ♪ AH, DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT A

WHICH RECORDS THE DEEDS BELOW ♪ AH, DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT A THRILL IT WAS WHEN THAT FIRST

AH, DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT A THRILL IT WAS WHEN THAT FIRST BALL CREPT DOWN THE ALLEY?

THRILL IT WAS WHEN THAT FIRST BALL CREPT DOWN THE ALLEY? AND BY SOME WONDROUS AND AMAZING

BALL CREPT DOWN THE ALLEY? AND BY SOME WONDROUS AND AMAZING MIRACLE, YOU KNOCKED OVER ALL

AND BY SOME WONDROUS AND AMAZING MIRACLE, YOU KNOCKED OVER ALL THE PINS AND YOU FELT JUST LIKE

MIRACLE, YOU KNOCKED OVER ALL THE PINS AND YOU FELT JUST LIKE MR. DICK WEBER HIMSELF, BECAUSE

THE PINS AND YOU FELT JUST LIKE MR. DICK WEBER HIMSELF, BECAUSE YOU JUST TOOK 'EM OUT, BECAUSE

MR. DICK WEBER HIMSELF, BECAUSE YOU JUST TOOK 'EM OUT, BECAUSE YOU JUST CUT 'EM DOWN, BECAUSE

YOU JUST TOOK 'EM OUT, BECAUSE YOU JUST CUT 'EM DOWN, BECAUSE YOU JUST THREW YOUR VERY FIRST

YOU JUST CUT 'EM DOWN, BECAUSE YOU JUST THREW YOUR VERY FIRST STRIKE.

YOU JUST THREW YOUR VERY FIRST STRIKE. ♪ 'CAUSE YOU PRACTICE EVERY

STRIKE. ♪ 'CAUSE YOU PRACTICE EVERY WEEKEND ♪

♪ 'CAUSE YOU PRACTICE EVERY WEEKEND ♪ ♪ YOU ARE STARTING TO IMPROVE ♪

WEEKEND ♪ ♪ YOU ARE STARTING TO IMPROVE ♪ ♪ NOW YOU LEARN TO THROW THE BIG

♪ YOU ARE STARTING TO IMPROVE ♪ ♪ NOW YOU LEARN TO THROW THE BIG BALL, AND YOUR HOOK IS IN THE

♪ NOW YOU LEARN TO THROW THE BIG BALL, AND YOUR HOOK IS IN THE GROOVE ♪

BALL, AND YOUR HOOK IS IN THE GROOVE ♪ ♪ AND WITH A GRACE THAT YOUTH

GROOVE ♪ ♪ AND WITH A GRACE THAT YOUTH ALONE KNOWS ♪

♪ AND WITH A GRACE THAT YOUTH ALONE KNOWS ♪ ♪ FORTUNE SMILES ON EVERY TRY ♪

ALONE KNOWS ♪ ♪ FORTUNE SMILES ON EVERY TRY ♪ ♪ SOON YOU'RE BOWLING FOR A TEAM

♪ FORTUNE SMILES ON EVERY TRY ♪ ♪ SOON YOU'RE BOWLING FOR A TEAM AND GETTING WOOD AND SCORING

♪ SOON YOU'RE BOWLING FOR A TEAM AND GETTING WOOD AND SCORING HIGH ♪

AND GETTING WOOD AND SCORING HIGH ♪ YES, BUT THE YEARS ROLL BY,

HIGH ♪ YES, BUT THE YEARS ROLL BY, AND SOME DAYS THE LANES ARE DARK

YES, BUT THE YEARS ROLL BY, AND SOME DAYS THE LANES ARE DARK AND DREARY, AND YOU JUST CAN'T

AND SOME DAYS THE LANES ARE DARK AND DREARY, AND YOU JUST CAN'T HIT THE POCKET, AND THE PINS

AND DREARY, AND YOU JUST CAN'T HIT THE POCKET, AND THE PINS KEEP STANDING LIKE THEY'RE PART

HIT THE POCKET, AND THE PINS KEEP STANDING LIKE THEY'RE PART OF THE BUILDING.

KEEP STANDING LIKE THEY'RE PART OF THE BUILDING. WHY, IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY

OF THE BUILDING. WHY, IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY YESTERDAY YOU WERE SHOWING THEM

WHY, IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY YESTERDAY YOU WERE SHOWING THEM HOW IT'S DONE, AND NOW YOUR

YESTERDAY YOU WERE SHOWING THEM HOW IT'S DONE, AND NOW YOUR POWERHOUSE HAS TURNED INTO A

HOW IT'S DONE, AND NOW YOUR POWERHOUSE HAS TURNED INTO A POWDER PUFF.

POWERHOUSE HAS TURNED INTO A POWDER PUFF. BUT YOU DON'T QUIT.

POWDER PUFF. BUT YOU DON'T QUIT. YOU PICK UP THE OLD APPLE, AND

BUT YOU DON'T QUIT. YOU PICK UP THE OLD APPLE, AND YOU GIVE IT ALL YOU'VE GOT, AND

YOU PICK UP THE OLD APPLE, AND YOU GIVE IT ALL YOU'VE GOT, AND WHEN THE MAPLE STOPS SPINNING

YOU GIVE IT ALL YOU'VE GOT, AND WHEN THE MAPLE STOPS SPINNING AROUND, YOU FIND YOURSELF

WHEN THE MAPLE STOPS SPINNING AROUND, YOU FIND YOURSELF LOOKING DOWN THE ALLEY AT

AROUND, YOU FIND YOURSELF LOOKING DOWN THE ALLEY AT BEDPOSTS, SNAKE EYES, MULE EARS,

LOOKING DOWN THE ALLEY AT BEDPOSTS, SNAKE EYES, MULE EARS, TELEPHONE POLES.

BEDPOSTS, SNAKE EYES, MULE EARS, TELEPHONE POLES. IN OTHER WORDS, THE IMPOSSIBLE

TELEPHONE POLES. IN OTHER WORDS, THE IMPOSSIBLE 7-10 SPLIT.

IN OTHER WORDS, THE IMPOSSIBLE 7-10 SPLIT. AND SO YOU ASK HIM TO GUIDE YOUR

7-10 SPLIT. AND SO YOU ASK HIM TO GUIDE YOUR BALL, BUT YOU MISS, ANYWAY, AND

AND SO YOU ASK HIM TO GUIDE YOUR BALL, BUT YOU MISS, ANYWAY, AND YOU START TO LOSE YOUR FAITH IN

BALL, BUT YOU MISS, ANYWAY, AND YOU START TO LOSE YOUR FAITH IN BOWLING AND BEGIN THINKING

YOU START TO LOSE YOUR FAITH IN BOWLING AND BEGIN THINKING SERIOUSLY ABOUT TAKING UP GOLF.

BOWLING AND BEGIN THINKING SERIOUSLY ABOUT TAKING UP GOLF. ♪ IF YOU END UP IN THE

SERIOUSLY ABOUT TAKING UP GOLF. ♪ IF YOU END UP IN THE GUTTER ♪

♪ IF YOU END UP IN THE GUTTER ♪ ♪ DON'T FEEL SHAME AND DON'T

GUTTER ♪ ♪ DON'T FEEL SHAME AND DON'T FEEL SORROW ♪

♪ DON'T FEEL SHAME AND DON'T FEEL SORROW ♪ ♪ YOU CAN ALWAYS UP YOUR

FEEL SORROW ♪ ♪ YOU CAN ALWAYS UP YOUR AVERAGE ♪

♪ YOU CAN ALWAYS UP YOUR AVERAGE ♪ ♪ YOU CAN BOWL AGAIN TOMORROW ♪

AVERAGE ♪ ♪ YOU CAN BOWL AGAIN TOMORROW ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE ALL TOO SOON THE BALL

♪ YOU CAN BOWL AGAIN TOMORROW ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE ALL TOO SOON THE BALL GROWS HEAVY ♪

♪ 'CAUSE ALL TOO SOON THE BALL GROWS HEAVY ♪ ♪ AND YOUR HAIR IS GETTING

GROWS HEAVY ♪ ♪ AND YOUR HAIR IS GETTING GRAY ♪

♪ AND YOUR HAIR IS GETTING GRAY ♪ ♪ AND TO TREMBLE FEET THAT

GRAY ♪ ♪ AND TO TREMBLE FEET THAT FALTER ♪

♪ AND TO TREMBLE FEET THAT FALTER ♪ ♪ AND IT DOESN'T HELP TO PRAY ♪

FALTER ♪ ♪ AND IT DOESN'T HELP TO PRAY ♪ ♪ YOU CAN BARELY SEE THE

♪ AND IT DOESN'T HELP TO PRAY ♪ ♪ YOU CAN BARELY SEE THE HEADPIN ♪

♪ YOU CAN BARELY SEE THE HEADPIN ♪ ♪ GONE ARE HOPES OF PERFECT

HEADPIN ♪ ♪ GONE ARE HOPES OF PERFECT GAMES ♪

♪ GONE ARE HOPES OF PERFECT GAMES ♪ ♪ AS YOU LOOK BACK ON YOUR

GAMES ♪ ♪ AS YOU LOOK BACK ON YOUR SCORECARD ♪

♪ AS YOU LOOK BACK ON YOUR SCORECARD ♪ ♪ EMPTY DREAMS AND OPEN FRAMES ♪

SCORECARD ♪ ♪ EMPTY DREAMS AND OPEN FRAMES ♪ AND THEN ONE DAY YOU WAKE UP

♪ EMPTY DREAMS AND OPEN FRAMES ♪ AND THEN ONE DAY YOU WAKE UP IN THE BIGGEST BOWLING CENTER

AND THEN ONE DAY YOU WAKE UP IN THE BIGGEST BOWLING CENTER YOU EVER SAW.

IN THE BIGGEST BOWLING CENTER YOU EVER SAW. THE BALLS ARE SILVER LIKE THE

YOU EVER SAW. THE BALLS ARE SILVER LIKE THE MOON, AND THE PINS ARE GOLDEN

THE BALLS ARE SILVER LIKE THE MOON, AND THE PINS ARE GOLDEN LIKE THE SUN, AND THE FOUL

MOON, AND THE PINS ARE GOLDEN LIKE THE SUN, AND THE FOUL LINE... WELL, THE FOUL LINE IS

LIKE THE SUN, AND THE FOUL LINE... WELL, THE FOUL LINE IS THE MILKY WAY.

LINE... WELL, THE FOUL LINE IS THE MILKY WAY. YES, YOU RENT YOUR SHOES FROM

THE MILKY WAY. YES, YOU RENT YOUR SHOES FROM ANGELS, AND THEY FIT REAL GOOD,

YES, YOU RENT YOUR SHOES FROM ANGELS, AND THEY FIT REAL GOOD, TOO, BUT, FRIEND, JUST ONE WORD

ANGELS, AND THEY FIT REAL GOOD, TOO, BUT, FRIEND, JUST ONE WORD OF ADVICE.

TOO, BUT, FRIEND, JUST ONE WORD OF ADVICE. THERE AIN'T NO BEER FRAME IN

OF ADVICE. THERE AIN'T NO BEER FRAME IN HEAVEN.

THERE AIN'T NO BEER FRAME IN HEAVEN. ♪ LEAVE ALL DOUBTS AND FEARS

HEAVEN. ♪ LEAVE ALL DOUBTS AND FEARS BEHIND YOU ♪

♪ LEAVE ALL DOUBTS AND FEARS BEHIND YOU ♪ ♪ SAY GOODBYE TO EARTHLY WOES ♪

BEHIND YOU ♪ ♪ SAY GOODBYE TO EARTHLY WOES ♪ ♪ AS THE VEIL IS LIFTED AND YOU

♪ SAY GOODBYE TO EARTHLY WOES ♪ ♪ AS THE VEIL IS LIFTED AND YOU LEARN THE SECRETS OF THE PROS ♪

♪ AS THE VEIL IS LIFTED AND YOU LEARN THE SECRETS OF THE PROS ♪ ♪ AND YOU'LL BE THROWING STRIKES

LEARN THE SECRETS OF THE PROS ♪ ♪ AND YOU'LL BE THROWING STRIKES LIKE THUNDER ♪

♪ AND YOU'LL BE THROWING STRIKES LIKE THUNDER ♪ ♪ YOU'LL BE SPLASHING PINS LIKE

LIKE THUNDER ♪ ♪ YOU'LL BE SPLASHING PINS LIKE RAIN ♪

♪ YOU'LL BE SPLASHING PINS LIKE RAIN ♪ ♪ WINNING TROPHIES MAKE A

RAIN ♪ ♪ WINNING TROPHIES MAKE A RAINBOW ON AN EVERLASTING LANE ♪

♪ WINNING TROPHIES MAKE A RAINBOW ON AN EVERLASTING LANE ♪ ♪ IN AN ALABASTER ALLEY ♪

RAINBOW ON AN EVERLASTING LANE ♪ ♪ IN AN ALABASTER ALLEY ♪ ♪ SILVER BALLS AND GOLDEN PINS ♪

♪ IN AN ALABASTER ALLEY ♪ ♪ SILVER BALLS AND GOLDEN PINS ♪ ♪ YOU'LL BE BOWLING WITH THE

♪ SILVER BALLS AND GOLDEN PINS ♪ ♪ YOU'LL BE BOWLING WITH THE MASTER ♪

♪ YOU'LL BE BOWLING WITH THE MASTER ♪ ♪ BUT THE MASTER ALWAYS WINS ♪

MASTER ♪ ♪ BUT THE MASTER ALWAYS WINS ♪ ♪ IN AN ALABASTER ALLEY ♪

♪ BUT THE MASTER ALWAYS WINS ♪ ♪ IN AN ALABASTER ALLEY ♪ ♪ SILVER BALLS AND GOLDEN PINS ♪

♪ IN AN ALABASTER ALLEY ♪ ♪ SILVER BALLS AND GOLDEN PINS ♪ ♪ YOU'LL BE BOWLING WITH THE

♪ SILVER BALLS AND GOLDEN PINS ♪ ♪ YOU'LL BE BOWLING WITH THE MASTER ♪

♪ YOU'LL BE BOWLING WITH THE MASTER ♪ ♪ BUT THE MASTER ♪

MASTER ♪ ♪ BUT THE MASTER ♪ ♪ ALWAYS ♪

♪ BUT THE MASTER ♪ ♪ ALWAYS ♪ ♪ WINS ♪

♪ ALWAYS ♪ ♪ WINS ♪ ♪ HE ALWAYS WINS ♪

NOW, UH, WE WANT YOU BOTH TO UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS A VERY UNUSUAL THING, BUT WE'VE DECIDED

UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS A VERY UNUSUAL THING, BUT WE'VE DECIDED TO HEAR YOU BOTH TO DECIDE WHICH

UNUSUAL THING, BUT WE'VE DECIDED TO HEAR YOU BOTH TO DECIDE WHICH OF YOU WILL GET THE LAST

TO HEAR YOU BOTH TO DECIDE WHICH OF YOU WILL GET THE LAST REMAINING PLACE IN THE CLASS OF

OF YOU WILL GET THE LAST REMAINING PLACE IN THE CLASS OF '81.

REMAINING PLACE IN THE CLASS OF '81. MR. JAMAL, I THINK I SHOULD

'81. MR. JAMAL, I THINK I SHOULD ALREADY TELL YOU THAT WE HAVE

MR. JAMAL, I THINK I SHOULD ALREADY TELL YOU THAT WE HAVE ALREADY ACCEPTED YOU UNDER OUR

ALREADY TELL YOU THAT WE HAVE ALREADY ACCEPTED YOU UNDER OUR SPECIAL-ADMISSIONS PROGRAM, BUT

ALREADY ACCEPTED YOU UNDER OUR SPECIAL-ADMISSIONS PROGRAM, BUT MR. CRAIG BAKER, WHO IS NOT

SPECIAL-ADMISSIONS PROGRAM, BUT MR. CRAIG BAKER, WHO IS NOT ACCEPTED, IS THREATENING TO SUE

MR. CRAIG BAKER, WHO IS NOT ACCEPTED, IS THREATENING TO SUE THE UNIVERSITY ON GROUNDS OF

ACCEPTED, IS THREATENING TO SUE THE UNIVERSITY ON GROUNDS OF REVERSE DISCRIMINATION.

THE UNIVERSITY ON GROUNDS OF REVERSE DISCRIMINATION. MR. BAKER, WOULD YOU LIKE TO

REVERSE DISCRIMINATION. MR. BAKER, WOULD YOU LIKE TO EXPLAIN YOUR POSITION TO THE

MR. BAKER, WOULD YOU LIKE TO EXPLAIN YOUR POSITION TO THE COMMITTEE?

EXPLAIN YOUR POSITION TO THE COMMITTEE? WITH PLEASURE, DEAN ARCHER.

COMMITTEE? WITH PLEASURE, DEAN ARCHER. AS YOU KNOW, LAW SCHOOL

WITH PLEASURE, DEAN ARCHER. AS YOU KNOW, LAW SCHOOL ADMISSIONS ARE BASED ON THE

AS YOU KNOW, LAW SCHOOL ADMISSIONS ARE BASED ON THE GRADE-POINT AVERAGES AND THE

ADMISSIONS ARE BASED ON THE GRADE-POINT AVERAGES AND THE LSAT... THE LAW SCHOLASTIC

GRADE-POINT AVERAGES AND THE LSAT... THE LAW SCHOLASTIC APTITUDE TEST.

LSAT... THE LAW SCHOLASTIC APTITUDE TEST. NOW, I MAINTAIN A 3.1 A.G.P.A.

APTITUDE TEST. NOW, I MAINTAIN A 3.1 A.G.P.A. IN COLLEGE, WHILE MR. JAMAL HERE

NOW, I MAINTAIN A 3.1 A.G.P.A. IN COLLEGE, WHILE MR. JAMAL HERE HAD A 2.95.

IN COLLEGE, WHILE MR. JAMAL HERE HAD A 2.95. I SCORED A 153 ON THE LSATs, AND

HAD A 2.95. I SCORED A 153 ON THE LSATs, AND MR. JAMAL HAD AN INFERIOR 492,

I SCORED A 153 ON THE LSATs, AND MR. JAMAL HAD AN INFERIOR 492, DESPITE THE ADVANTAGE OF HAVING

MR. JAMAL HAD AN INFERIOR 492, DESPITE THE ADVANTAGE OF HAVING THE TEST READ TO HIM.

DESPITE THE ADVANTAGE OF HAVING THE TEST READ TO HIM. SO IF YOU ACCEPT MR. JAMAL, IT

THE TEST READ TO HIM. SO IF YOU ACCEPT MR. JAMAL, IT WILL SIMPLY BE A CASE OF REVERSE

SO IF YOU ACCEPT MR. JAMAL, IT WILL SIMPLY BE A CASE OF REVERSE DISCRIMINATION, AND I WILL SUE.

WILL SIMPLY BE A CASE OF REVERSE DISCRIMINATION, AND I WILL SUE. MR. BAKER, MR. JAMAL

DISCRIMINATION, AND I WILL SUE. MR. BAKER, MR. JAMAL QUALIFIED FOR THE ADMISSION

MR. BAKER, MR. JAMAL QUALIFIED FOR THE ADMISSION PROGRAM FOR THE DISADVANTAGED

QUALIFIED FOR THE ADMISSION PROGRAM FOR THE DISADVANTAGED BECAUSE HE IS BOTH A POOR

PROGRAM FOR THE DISADVANTAGED BECAUSE HE IS BOTH A POOR MINORITY AND HANDICAPPED.

BECAUSE HE IS BOTH A POOR MINORITY AND HANDICAPPED. YEAH. RIGHT.

MINORITY AND HANDICAPPED. YEAH. RIGHT. BUT I MAJORED IN PRELAW.

YEAH. RIGHT. BUT I MAJORED IN PRELAW. MY SENIOR PAPER WAS ON REVERSE

BUT I MAJORED IN PRELAW. MY SENIOR PAPER WAS ON REVERSE DISCRIMINATION.

MY SENIOR PAPER WAS ON REVERSE DISCRIMINATION. I KNOW MY SUBJECT.

DISCRIMINATION. I KNOW MY SUBJECT. I'M A DEBATER.

I KNOW MY SUBJECT. I'M A DEBATER. LOOK AT THIS BOX.

I'M A DEBATER. LOOK AT THIS BOX. MR. JAMAL?

LOOK AT THIS BOX. MR. JAMAL? HUH?

MR. JAMAL? HUH? WHAT DO YOU THINK?

HUH? WHAT DO YOU THINK? WELL, I AGREE WITH MR. BAKER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? WELL, I AGREE WITH MR. BAKER. YOU KNOW, I UNDERSTAND WHAT HE

WELL, I AGREE WITH MR. BAKER. YOU KNOW, I UNDERSTAND WHAT HE MEANS, BUT I DON'T THINK THAT

YOU KNOW, I UNDERSTAND WHAT HE MEANS, BUT I DON'T THINK THAT GRADES SHOULD BE THE ONLY

MEANS, BUT I DON'T THINK THAT GRADES SHOULD BE THE ONLY CRITERIA.

GRADES SHOULD BE THE ONLY CRITERIA. YOU KNOW, MY GRADES WERE BROUGHT

CRITERIA. YOU KNOW, MY GRADES WERE BROUGHT DOWN BY THE "D" I MADE IN ART

YOU KNOW, MY GRADES WERE BROUGHT DOWN BY THE "D" I MADE IN ART APPRECIATION.

DOWN BY THE "D" I MADE IN ART APPRECIATION. YOU SEE, I CAN TELL THE

APPRECIATION. YOU SEE, I CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE BRUSHSTROKES

YOU SEE, I CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE BRUSHSTROKES BETWEEN THE FLEMISH AND THE

DIFFERENCE IN THE BRUSHSTROKES BETWEEN THE FLEMISH AND THE IMPRESSIONISTS, BUT THEY USED

BETWEEN THE FLEMISH AND THE IMPRESSIONISTS, BUT THEY USED SLIDES ON THE TEST, YOU KNOW?

IMPRESSIONISTS, BUT THEY USED SLIDES ON THE TEST, YOU KNOW? AND, UH, I DID PRETTY GOOD ON

SLIDES ON THE TEST, YOU KNOW? AND, UH, I DID PRETTY GOOD ON SCULPTURE, THOUGH.

AND, UH, I DID PRETTY GOOD ON SCULPTURE, THOUGH. I DID.

SCULPTURE, THOUGH. I DID. MR. JAMAL, IT SAYS HERE THAT

I DID. MR. JAMAL, IT SAYS HERE THAT YOU ARE AN ORPHAN AND SUPPORTED

MR. JAMAL, IT SAYS HERE THAT YOU ARE AN ORPHAN AND SUPPORTED 14 YOUNGER BROTHERS AND SISTERS

YOU ARE AN ORPHAN AND SUPPORTED 14 YOUNGER BROTHERS AND SISTERS WHILE WORKING YOUR WAY THROUGH

14 YOUNGER BROTHERS AND SISTERS WHILE WORKING YOUR WAY THROUGH COLLEGE.

WHILE WORKING YOUR WAY THROUGH COLLEGE. WHAT TYPE OF A JOB DID YOU HAVE?

COLLEGE. WHAT TYPE OF A JOB DID YOU HAVE? I WAS A PROOFREADER FOR A

WHAT TYPE OF A JOB DID YOU HAVE? I WAS A PROOFREADER FOR A BRAILLE BOOK PUBLISHER.

I WAS A PROOFREADER FOR A BRAILLE BOOK PUBLISHER. WELL, IF YOU SPENT SO MUCH

BRAILLE BOOK PUBLISHER. WELL, IF YOU SPENT SO MUCH TIME READING, YOU'D THINK YOU'D

WELL, IF YOU SPENT SO MUCH TIME READING, YOU'D THINK YOU'D HAVE DONE BETTER ON THE LSATs.

TIME READING, YOU'D THINK YOU'D HAVE DONE BETTER ON THE LSATs. WELL, THIS IS REALLY A TOUGH

HAVE DONE BETTER ON THE LSATs. WELL, THIS IS REALLY A TOUGH DECISION.

WELL, THIS IS REALLY A TOUGH DECISION. WOULD YOU EXCUSE US FOR A

DECISION. WOULD YOU EXCUSE US FOR A MINUTE, GENTLEMEN?

WOULD YOU EXCUSE US FOR A MINUTE, GENTLEMEN? I DON'T KNOW, FRANK.

MINUTE, GENTLEMEN? I DON'T KNOW, FRANK. I CERTAINLY DON'T WANT TO SEE

I DON'T KNOW, FRANK. I CERTAINLY DON'T WANT TO SEE THE LAW SCHOOL GO TO COURT IF

I CERTAINLY DON'T WANT TO SEE THE LAW SCHOOL GO TO COURT IF THIS BOY WANTS TO SUE.

THE LAW SCHOOL GO TO COURT IF THIS BOY WANTS TO SUE. IT COULD COST A LOT OF MONEY AND

THIS BOY WANTS TO SUE. IT COULD COST A LOT OF MONEY AND TIME, AND I DON'T THINK THE

IT COULD COST A LOT OF MONEY AND TIME, AND I DON'T THINK THE INSTITUTION SHOULD BE PUT

TIME, AND I DON'T THINK THE INSTITUTION SHOULD BE PUT THROUGH IT.

INSTITUTION SHOULD BE PUT THROUGH IT. YOU'RE RIGHT, EMMETT.

THROUGH IT. YOU'RE RIGHT, EMMETT. WE REALLY HAVE NO CHOICE HERE.

YOU'RE RIGHT, EMMETT. WE REALLY HAVE NO CHOICE HERE. OKAY, MR. BAKER, MR. JAMAL.

WE REALLY HAVE NO CHOICE HERE. OKAY, MR. BAKER, MR. JAMAL. THIS IS VERY DIFFICULT.

OKAY, MR. BAKER, MR. JAMAL. THIS IS VERY DIFFICULT. WE HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN TWO

THIS IS VERY DIFFICULT. WE HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN TWO STUDENTS.

WE HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN TWO STUDENTS. ONE HAS BETTER GRADES.

STUDENTS. ONE HAS BETTER GRADES. THE OTHER HAS OVERCOME SEVERE

ONE HAS BETTER GRADES. THE OTHER HAS OVERCOME SEVERE DISADVANTAGES.

THE OTHER HAS OVERCOME SEVERE DISADVANTAGES. AND, OF COURSE, BOTH ARE BLACK.

DISADVANTAGES. AND, OF COURSE, BOTH ARE BLACK. HUH?

AND, OF COURSE, BOTH ARE BLACK. HUH? BOTH BLACK?

HUH? BOTH BLACK? YES.

BOTH BLACK? YES. A VERY TOUGH CHOICE, INDEED.

YES. A VERY TOUGH CHOICE, INDEED. ARE YOU A BROTHER?

A VERY TOUGH CHOICE, INDEED. ARE YOU A BROTHER? ARE YOU A BROTHER?

ARE YOU A BROTHER? ARE YOU A BROTHER? UH, YEAH. YEAH.

ARE YOU A BROTHER? UH, YEAH. YEAH. OH, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

UH, YEAH. YEAH. OH, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

OH, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT. YEAH.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT. YEAH. OH.

YEAH. OH. WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST LEAVE

OH. WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST LEAVE IT TO CHANCE, I THINK.

WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST LEAVE IT TO CHANCE, I THINK. MR. JAMAL, I'M HOLDING UP ONE OR

IT TO CHANCE, I THINK. MR. JAMAL, I'M HOLDING UP ONE OR TWO FINGERS.

MR. JAMAL, I'M HOLDING UP ONE OR TWO FINGERS. WHICH IS IT, ODD OR EVEN?

TWO FINGERS. WHICH IS IT, ODD OR EVEN? UH.

WHICH IS IT, ODD OR EVEN? UH. EVEN.

UH. EVEN. SORRY, IT'S ODD.

EVEN. SORRY, IT'S ODD. CONGRATULATIONS, MR. BAKER.

SORRY, IT'S ODD. CONGRATULATIONS, MR. BAKER. THANKS.

CONGRATULATIONS, MR. BAKER. THANKS. AND I WAS GONNA SAY ODD.

THANKS. AND I WAS GONNA SAY ODD. YOU PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE.

AND I WAS GONNA SAY ODD. YOU PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GENTLEMEN,

YOU PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GENTLEMEN, FOR YOUR TIME.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GENTLEMEN, FOR YOUR TIME. WE APPRECIATE IT.

FOR YOUR TIME. WE APPRECIATE IT. GOOD LUCK TO YOU BOTH, NO MATTER

WE APPRECIATE IT. GOOD LUCK TO YOU BOTH, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO.

GOOD LUCK TO YOU BOTH, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. WE'VE GOT ANOTHER MEETING.

WHAT YOU DO. WE'VE GOT ANOTHER MEETING. WELL, SORRY WE BOTH COULDN'T

WE'VE GOT ANOTHER MEETING. WELL, SORRY WE BOTH COULDN'T GET IN, BUT THOSE ARE THE

WELL, SORRY WE BOTH COULDN'T GET IN, BUT THOSE ARE THE BREAKS.

GET IN, BUT THOSE ARE THE BREAKS. OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SINCE

BREAKS. OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SINCE YOU'RE A BROTHER.

OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SINCE YOU'RE A BROTHER. YEAH. RIGHT ON.

YOU'RE A BROTHER. YEAH. RIGHT ON. WELL, UH, CAN I TAKE YOU FOR A

YEAH. RIGHT ON. WELL, UH, CAN I TAKE YOU FOR A RIDE TO THE BUS STOP?

WELL, UH, CAN I TAKE YOU FOR A RIDE TO THE BUS STOP? OH, NO. THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

RIDE TO THE BUS STOP? OH, NO. THAT'S ALL RIGHT. MY BROTHERS BROUGHT ME IN FROM

OH, NO. THAT'S ALL RIGHT. MY BROTHERS BROUGHT ME IN FROM OAKLAND.

MY BROTHERS BROUGHT ME IN FROM OAKLAND. THEY'RE WAITING OUTSIDE IN THE

OAKLAND. THEY'RE WAITING OUTSIDE IN THE CAR.

THEY'RE WAITING OUTSIDE IN THE CAR. AHMED, MALCOLM!

CAR. AHMED, MALCOLM! HOW'D IT GO, MAN?

AHMED, MALCOLM! HOW'D IT GO, MAN? OH, NOT TOO GOOD, MAN, BUT

HOW'D IT GO, MAN? OH, NOT TOO GOOD, MAN, BUT MEET THE BROTHER WHO MADE IT

OH, NOT TOO GOOD, MAN, BUT MEET THE BROTHER WHO MADE IT INTO LAW SCHOOL.

MEET THE BROTHER WHO MADE IT INTO LAW SCHOOL. BROTHER? HIM?

INTO LAW SCHOOL. BROTHER? HIM? YEAH, HEY, I'M A BROTHER.

BROTHER? HIM? YEAH, HEY, I'M A BROTHER. YEAH, SURE.

YEAH, HEY, I'M A BROTHER. YEAH, SURE. RIGHT ON, TEMPTATIONS.

YEAH, SURE. RIGHT ON, TEMPTATIONS. I'M AN OCTOROON. THAT'S IT.

RIGHT ON, TEMPTATIONS. I'M AN OCTOROON. THAT'S IT. I'M AN OCTOROON.

I'M AN OCTOROON. THAT'S IT. I'M AN OCTOROON. REALLY.

I'M AN OCTOROON. REALLY. I STAY OUT OF THE SUN, YOU KNOW

REALLY. I STAY OUT OF THE SUN, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I STAY OUT OF THE SUN, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? OH, REALLY.

WHAT I MEAN? OH, REALLY. I STUDY ALL THE TIME.

OH, REALLY. I STUDY ALL THE TIME. IT LOOKS LIKE YOU JUST GOT

I STUDY ALL THE TIME. IT LOOKS LIKE YOU JUST GOT RIPPED OFF BY WHITEY AGAIN.

I'M FEELING GOOD. FEELING VERY GOOD. YEAH. SUMMER WAS... SUMMER WAS HOT.

FEELING VERY GOOD. YEAH. SUMMER WAS... SUMMER WAS HOT. A LITTLE BORING.

SUMMER WAS... SUMMER WAS HOT. A LITTLE BORING. WINTER... A LITTLE COLD, A

A LITTLE BORING. WINTER... A LITTLE COLD, A LITTLE CONFUSING.

WINTER... A LITTLE COLD, A LITTLE CONFUSING. SPRING... SPRING WAS ALL RIGHT.

LITTLE CONFUSING. SPRING... SPRING WAS ALL RIGHT. BUT, BOY, SOMETHING ABOUT...

SPRING... SPRING WAS ALL RIGHT. BUT, BOY, SOMETHING ABOUT... [HARMONICA BLOWING]

BUT, BOY, SOMETHING ABOUT... [HARMONICA BLOWING] [VOCALIZING]

OH. ♪ AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪ ♪ WHY DOES IT SEEMS SO

♪ AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪ ♪ WHY DOES IT SEEMS SO INVITING? ♪

♪ WHY DOES IT SEEMS SO INVITING? ♪ [HARMONICA BLOWS]

INVITING? ♪ [HARMONICA BLOWS] ♪ AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪

[HARMONICA BLOWS] ♪ AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪ ♪ IT SPELLS THE THRILL OF

♪ AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪ ♪ IT SPELLS THE THRILL OF FIRST-NIGHTING ♪

♪ IT SPELLS THE THRILL OF FIRST-NIGHTING ♪ ♪ GLITTERING CROWDS AND

FIRST-NIGHTING ♪ ♪ GLITTERING CROWDS AND SHIMMERING CLOUDS IN CANYONS OF

♪ GLITTERING CROWDS AND SHIMMERING CLOUDS IN CANYONS OF STEEL ♪

SHIMMERING CLOUDS IN CANYONS OF STEEL ♪ ♪ THEY'RE MAKING ME FEEL ♪

STEEL ♪ ♪ THEY'RE MAKING ME FEEL ♪ ♪ I'M HOME ♪

♪ THEY'RE MAKING ME FEEL ♪ ♪ I'M HOME ♪ ♪ AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪

♪ I'M HOME ♪ ♪ AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪ ♪ IT BRINGS THE PROMISE OF

♪ AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪ ♪ IT BRINGS THE PROMISE OF NEW LOVE ♪

♪ IT BRINGS THE PROMISE OF NEW LOVE ♪ ♪ AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪

NEW LOVE ♪ ♪ AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪ ♪ IS OFTEN MINGLED WITH PAIN ♪

♪ AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪ ♪ IS OFTEN MINGLED WITH PAIN ♪ HEY.

♪ IS OFTEN MINGLED WITH PAIN ♪ HEY. ♪ DREAMERS WITH EMPTY HANDS ♪

HEY. ♪ DREAMERS WITH EMPTY HANDS ♪ ♪ MAY SIGH FOR EXOTIC LANDS ♪

♪ DREAMERS WITH EMPTY HANDS ♪ ♪ MAY SIGH FOR EXOTIC LANDS ♪ [HARMONICA BLOWING]

♪ MAY SIGH FOR EXOTIC LANDS ♪ [HARMONICA BLOWING] [VOCALIZING]

♪ AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪ ♪ IT'S GOOD TO LIVE IT ♪ ♪ AGAIN ♪

THE BEST I'VE EVER SEEN YOU PLAY, SALLY. YOU SEEMED SO POISED AND

PLAY, SALLY. YOU SEEMED SO POISED AND SELF-ASSURED TODAY.

YOU SEEMED SO POISED AND SELF-ASSURED TODAY. THANKS, VICKIE.

SELF-ASSURED TODAY. THANKS, VICKIE. I AM.

THANKS, VICKIE. I AM. I NEVER EVEN KNEW IT WAS

I AM. I NEVER EVEN KNEW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO BE THIS SURE OF

I NEVER EVEN KNEW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO BE THIS SURE OF MYSELF AS A WOMAN.

POSSIBLE TO BE THIS SURE OF MYSELF AS A WOMAN. WHAT'S THAT?

MYSELF AS A WOMAN. WHAT'S THAT? OH, IT'S THIS WONDERFUL, NEW

WHAT'S THAT? OH, IT'S THIS WONDERFUL, NEW WOMEN'S PRODUCT.

OH, IT'S THIS WONDERFUL, NEW WOMEN'S PRODUCT. I DON'T KNOW.

WOMEN'S PRODUCT. I DON'T KNOW. I'VE JUST BEEN SO CONFIDENT AND

I DON'T KNOW. I'VE JUST BEEN SO CONFIDENT AND SECURE SINCE I'VE HAD IT.

I'VE JUST BEEN SO CONFIDENT AND SECURE SINCE I'VE HAD IT. WHAT'S IT FOR?

SECURE SINCE I'VE HAD IT. WHAT'S IT FOR? CONFIDENCE.

WHAT'S IT FOR? CONFIDENCE. DO YOU PUT IT ON YOU OR IN

CONFIDENCE. DO YOU PUT IT ON YOU OR IN YOU?

DO YOU PUT IT ON YOU OR IN YOU? I GUESS SO.

YOU? I GUESS SO. IS IT WELCOME PROTECTION

I GUESS SO. IS IT WELCOME PROTECTION AGAINST ODOR ALL YEAR 'ROUND?

IS IT WELCOME PROTECTION AGAINST ODOR ALL YEAR 'ROUND? POSSIBLY.

AGAINST ODOR ALL YEAR 'ROUND? POSSIBLY. DOES IT COME IN FLAVORS?

POSSIBLY. DOES IT COME IN FLAVORS? MAYBE.

DOES IT COME IN FLAVORS? MAYBE. WHAT'S TWO AND TWO?

MAYBE. WHAT'S TWO AND TWO? FOUR.

WHAT'S TWO AND TWO? FOUR. JUST CHECKING.

FOUR. JUST CHECKING. WELL, DOES IT HAVE A NAME?

JUST CHECKING. WELL, DOES IT HAVE A NAME? I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, DOES IT HAVE A NAME? I DON'T KNOW. WELL, HOW DO YOU OPEN IT?

I DON'T KNOW. WELL, HOW DO YOU OPEN IT? I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, HOW DO YOU OPEN IT? I DON'T KNOW. I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW. I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW. I JUST KNOW I'VE NEVER FELT SO

I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW. I JUST KNOW I'VE NEVER FELT SO FEMININE OR SO PROTECTED IN MY

I JUST KNOW I'VE NEVER FELT SO FEMININE OR SO PROTECTED IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

FEMININE OR SO PROTECTED IN MY WHOLE LIFE. SO IF YOU WANT TO FEEL FRESH AND

WHOLE LIFE. SO IF YOU WANT TO FEEL FRESH AND CONFIDENT ALL YEAR 'ROUND, LOOK

SO IF YOU WANT TO FEEL FRESH AND CONFIDENT ALL YEAR 'ROUND, LOOK FOR THE PINK BOX, WHEREVER IT

CONFIDENT ALL YEAR 'ROUND, LOOK FOR THE PINK BOX, WHEREVER IT MIGHT BE SOLD.

HAVING IT SOLVES THE PROBLEM OF BEING WITHOUT IT.

WAS THE FIRST TO ADMIT IT. HELLO, ROSS. HOW YOU DOING?

HELLO, ROSS. HOW YOU DOING? I SAW YOU IN "RICHARD III" IN

HOW YOU DOING? I SAW YOU IN "RICHARD III" IN STRATFORD, AND YOU KILLED.

I SAW YOU IN "RICHARD III" IN STRATFORD, AND YOU KILLED. YOU REALLY STUNNED ME.

STRATFORD, AND YOU KILLED. YOU REALLY STUNNED ME. I SAW YOU IN SOMETHING ELSE,

YOU REALLY STUNNED ME. I SAW YOU IN SOMETHING ELSE, TOO.

I SAW YOU IN SOMETHING ELSE, TOO. WHAT WAS IT?

TOO. WHAT WAS IT? "MACBETH," THE MILL RACE AND

WHAT WAS IT? "MACBETH," THE MILL RACE AND THE REALM DINNER THEATER.

"MACBETH," THE MILL RACE AND THE REALM DINNER THEATER. NO, I THINK IT WAS BUFFERIN.

THE REALM DINNER THEATER. NO, I THINK IT WAS BUFFERIN. BUFFERIN COMMERCIAL.

NO, I THINK IT WAS BUFFERIN. BUFFERIN COMMERCIAL. YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY LOOKED LIKE

BUFFERIN COMMERCIAL. YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY LOOKED LIKE YOU HAD A HEADACHE.

YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY LOOKED LIKE YOU HAD A HEADACHE. I REALLY BELIEVED IT.

YOU HAD A HEADACHE. I REALLY BELIEVED IT. IT COMES NATURALLY TO ME.

I REALLY BELIEVED IT. IT COMES NATURALLY TO ME. I NEED YOU TO DUB A SHORT

IT COMES NATURALLY TO ME. I NEED YOU TO DUB A SHORT SCENE FROM A BIG EUROPEAN

I NEED YOU TO DUB A SHORT SCENE FROM A BIG EUROPEAN FEATURE THAT'S COMING OVER HERE.

SCENE FROM A BIG EUROPEAN FEATURE THAT'S COMING OVER HERE. A EUROPEAN FEATURE?

FEATURE THAT'S COMING OVER HERE. A EUROPEAN FEATURE? OH, GOOD.

A EUROPEAN FEATURE? OH, GOOD. I THINK THE AMERICA CINEMA IS

OH, GOOD. I THINK THE AMERICA CINEMA IS SIMPLY DEAD.

I THINK THE AMERICA CINEMA IS SIMPLY DEAD. ALL THE VIBRANT FILMS ARE

SIMPLY DEAD. ALL THE VIBRANT FILMS ARE HAPPENING IN EUROPE.

ALL THE VIBRANT FILMS ARE HAPPENING IN EUROPE. WELL, THIS IS AN ITALIAN

HAPPENING IN EUROPE. WELL, THIS IS AN ITALIAN FILM.

WELL, THIS IS AN ITALIAN FILM. "HERCULES MEETS ROMPULUS."

FILM. "HERCULES MEETS ROMPULUS." I'LL ROLL THE CLIP ONCE IN THE

"HERCULES MEETS ROMPULUS." I'LL ROLL THE CLIP ONCE IN THE ORIGINAL ITALIAN SO YOU CAN GET

I'LL ROLL THE CLIP ONCE IN THE ORIGINAL ITALIAN SO YOU CAN GET A FEEL OF THE ACTION.

ORIGINAL ITALIAN SO YOU CAN GET A FEEL OF THE ACTION. AND LET'S TAKE IT BACK.

A FEEL OF THE ACTION. AND LET'S TAKE IT BACK. TRY ONE.

AND LET'S TAKE IT BACK. TRY ONE. OKAY, BOBBY.

TRY ONE. OKAY, BOBBY. [CHEERS]

OKAY, BOBBY. [CHEERS] [SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

OKAY, THANK YOU, BOBBY. ROSS, HOW DO YOU FEEL? YOU WANT TO TRY ONE?

ROSS, HOW DO YOU FEEL? YOU WANT TO TRY ONE? WELL, I THINK THAT HERCULES'

YOU WANT TO TRY ONE? WELL, I THINK THAT HERCULES' VOICE IN THIS SCENE SHOULD BE

WELL, I THINK THAT HERCULES' VOICE IN THIS SCENE SHOULD BE CHARGED WITH A KIND OF

VOICE IN THIS SCENE SHOULD BE CHARGED WITH A KIND OF AGGRESSIVE DESPAIR, ALL RIGHT?

CHARGED WITH A KIND OF AGGRESSIVE DESPAIR, ALL RIGHT? OKAY, FINE.

AGGRESSIVE DESPAIR, ALL RIGHT? OKAY, FINE. HE'S SUCH A PROFESSIONAL.

OKAY, FINE. HE'S SUCH A PROFESSIONAL. HE'S PERFECTO. I LOVE HIM.

HE'S SUCH A PROFESSIONAL. HE'S PERFECTO. I LOVE HIM. OKAY, BOBBY, LET'S ROLL IT BACK.

HE'S PERFECTO. I LOVE HIM. OKAY, BOBBY, LET'S ROLL IT BACK. REWIND IT AND REQUEUE, OKAY?

OKAY, BOBBY, LET'S ROLL IT BACK. REWIND IT AND REQUEUE, OKAY? [TAPE REWINDING]

OKAY, BOBBY. LET'S PUT HER DOWN. ALL RIGHT, DO YOU SEEM READY?

LET'S PUT HER DOWN. ALL RIGHT, DO YOU SEEM READY? SURE, I'LL TRY ONE.

ALL RIGHT, DO YOU SEEM READY? SURE, I'LL TRY ONE. OKAY, SLATE "HERCULES MEETS

SURE, I'LL TRY ONE. OKAY, SLATE "HERCULES MEETS ROMPULUS" SCENE 241 SOUND LOOP

OKAY, SLATE "HERCULES MEETS ROMPULUS" SCENE 241 SOUND LOOP 16 TAKE 1.

ROMPULUS" SCENE 241 SOUND LOOP 16 TAKE 1. [CHEERS]

16 TAKE 1. [CHEERS] [As Hercules] HAH!

[CHEERS] [As Hercules] HAH! IS THERE NO ONE IN ROME WHO CAN

[As Hercules] HAH! IS THERE NO ONE IN ROME WHO CAN CHALLENGE THE GREAT HERCULES?

IS THERE NO ONE IN ROME WHO CAN CHALLENGE THE GREAT HERCULES? [As Rompulus] HERCULES, IT'S

CHALLENGE THE GREAT HERCULES? [As Rompulus] HERCULES, IT'S ME, ROMPULUS.

[As Rompulus] HERCULES, IT'S ME, ROMPULUS. THE EMPEROR HAS CHOSEN ME TO

ME, ROMPULUS. THE EMPEROR HAS CHOSEN ME TO FIGHT YOU BECAUSE HE KNOWS THAT

THE EMPEROR HAS CHOSEN ME TO FIGHT YOU BECAUSE HE KNOWS THAT WE ARE GOOD FRIENDS.

FIGHT YOU BECAUSE HE KNOWS THAT WE ARE GOOD FRIENDS. [As Hercules] ROMPULUS.

WE ARE GOOD FRIENDS. [As Hercules] ROMPULUS. ROMPULUS, IT'S... IT'S YOU.

[As Hercules] ROMPULUS. ROMPULUS, IT'S... IT'S YOU. [Female voice] STOP. STOP.

ROMPULUS, IT'S... IT'S YOU. [Female voice] STOP. STOP. STOP, YOU FOOLS.

[Female voice] STOP. STOP. STOP, YOU FOOLS. ARE YOU BOTH FOOLS?

STOP, YOU FOOLS. ARE YOU BOTH FOOLS? YOU MUSTN'T FIGHT JUST TO PLEASE

ARE YOU BOTH FOOLS? YOU MUSTN'T FIGHT JUST TO PLEASE THE WICKED EMPEROR.

YOU MUSTN'T FIGHT JUST TO PLEASE THE WICKED EMPEROR. HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT HE IS

THE WICKED EMPEROR. HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT HE IS YOUR GOOD FRIEND?

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT HE IS YOUR GOOD FRIEND? [As Hercules] OF COURSE NOT.

YOUR GOOD FRIEND? [As Hercules] OF COURSE NOT. BUT HERCULES AND ROMPULUS MUST

[As Hercules] OF COURSE NOT. BUT HERCULES AND ROMPULUS MUST FIGHT, OR THE EMPEROR WILL HAVE

BUT HERCULES AND ROMPULUS MUST FIGHT, OR THE EMPEROR WILL HAVE HIS ARCHERS KILL US BOTH!

FIGHT, OR THE EMPEROR WILL HAVE HIS ARCHERS KILL US BOTH! I'M NOT GONNA DIE WITH AN ARROW

HIS ARCHERS KILL US BOTH! I'M NOT GONNA DIE WITH AN ARROW IN MY BACK.

I'M NOT GONNA DIE WITH AN ARROW IN MY BACK. NO! NO! NO!

IN MY BACK. NO! NO! NO! [Female voice] IDIOTS!

NO! NO! NO! [Female voice] IDIOTS! LET THEM FIGHT EACH OTHER!

[Female voice] IDIOTS! LET THEM FIGHT EACH OTHER! WHAT DO I CARE?

LET THEM FIGHT EACH OTHER! WHAT DO I CARE? I'LL FEED MYSELF TO THE LIONS.

WHAT DO I CARE? I'LL FEED MYSELF TO THE LIONS. YES! YES, THAT'S IT!

I'LL FEED MYSELF TO THE LIONS. YES! YES, THAT'S IT! THE LIONS!

YES! YES, THAT'S IT! THE LIONS! ROSS...

THE LIONS! ROSS... OKAY, ROSS.

ROSS... OKAY, ROSS. BOBBY TELLS ME THAT'S PERFECT.

OKAY, ROSS. BOBBY TELLS ME THAT'S PERFECT. ALL RIGHT.

BOBBY TELLS ME THAT'S PERFECT. ALL RIGHT. ABSOLUTELY PERFECT TAKE.

ALL RIGHT. ABSOLUTELY PERFECT TAKE. I'M GONNA SEE YOU AT THE

ABSOLUTELY PERFECT TAKE. I'M GONNA SEE YOU AT THE PREMIERE.

I'M GONNA SEE YOU AT THE PREMIERE. I GOT TWO TICKETS FOR YOU.

PREMIERE. I GOT TWO TICKETS FOR YOU. WONDERFUL.

I GOT TWO TICKETS FOR YOU. WONDERFUL. ARE YOU BRUNCHING?

WONDERFUL. ARE YOU BRUNCHING? SURE. WHY NOT?

ARE YOU BRUNCHING? SURE. WHY NOT? LET'S GO.

SURE. WHY NOT? LET'S GO. TIME TO EAT... A LITTLE WHITE

LET'S GO. TIME TO EAT... A LITTLE WHITE WINE...

HELLO. WHEN I WAS IN LONDON LAST YEAR, WORKING ON A FILM, I WAS

WHEN I WAS IN LONDON LAST YEAR, WORKING ON A FILM, I WAS PRIVILEGED TO MEET ONE OF THE

WORKING ON A FILM, I WAS PRIVILEGED TO MEET ONE OF THE GREAT ACTRESSES OF THE

PRIVILEGED TO MEET ONE OF THE GREAT ACTRESSES OF THE ENGLISH-SPEAKING THEATER.

GREAT ACTRESSES OF THE ENGLISH-SPEAKING THEATER. SHE IS HERE TONIGHT.

ENGLISH-SPEAKING THEATER. SHE IS HERE TONIGHT. SHE IS ONE OF THE WORLD'S GREAT

SHE IS HERE TONIGHT. SHE IS ONE OF THE WORLD'S GREAT WITTY CONVERSATIONALISTS, AND I

SHE IS ONE OF THE WORLD'S GREAT WITTY CONVERSATIONALISTS, AND I KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO ENJOY HER.

WITTY CONVERSATIONALISTS, AND I KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO ENJOY HER. PLEASE, LET'S GIVE A BIG WELCOME

KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO ENJOY HER. PLEASE, LET'S GIVE A BIG WELCOME TO DAME EDNA EVERAGE.

PLEASE, LET'S GIVE A BIG WELCOME TO DAME EDNA EVERAGE. [APPLAUSE]

TO DAME EDNA EVERAGE. [APPLAUSE] [CHEERS]

HELLO, MADELINE KAHN. HELLO, LISTENERS. HELLO.

HELLO, LISTENERS. HELLO. I'M SO PLEASED THAT YOU'RE HERE.

HELLO. I'M SO PLEASED THAT YOU'RE HERE. TELL EVERYONE, DAME EDNA, JUST

I'M SO PLEASED THAT YOU'RE HERE. TELL EVERYONE, DAME EDNA, JUST WHAT IT IS THAT BRINGS YOU TO

TELL EVERYONE, DAME EDNA, JUST WHAT IT IS THAT BRINGS YOU TO NEW YORK.

WHAT IT IS THAT BRINGS YOU TO NEW YORK. WELL, I'M REALLY IN NEW YORK,

NEW YORK. WELL, I'M REALLY IN NEW YORK, DARLING, FOR JACQUELINE ONASSIS'

WELL, I'M REALLY IN NEW YORK, DARLING, FOR JACQUELINE ONASSIS' WEDDING.

DARLING, FOR JACQUELINE ONASSIS' WEDDING. REALLY?

WEDDING. REALLY? I HAVEN'T RECEIVED THE

REALLY? I HAVEN'T RECEIVED THE INVITATION YET, BUT THAT'S JUST

I HAVEN'T RECEIVED THE INVITATION YET, BUT THAT'S JUST A LITTLE FORMALITY, ISN'T IT,

INVITATION YET, BUT THAT'S JUST A LITTLE FORMALITY, ISN'T IT, SWEETHEART?

A LITTLE FORMALITY, ISN'T IT, SWEETHEART? OH, IT'S LOVELY TO HAVE YOU ON

SWEETHEART? OH, IT'S LOVELY TO HAVE YOU ON THIS SHOW, MADELINE KAHN, IT

OH, IT'S LOVELY TO HAVE YOU ON THIS SHOW, MADELINE KAHN, IT REALLY IS BECAUSE WE'VE GOT SUCH

THIS SHOW, MADELINE KAHN, IT REALLY IS BECAUSE WE'VE GOT SUCH A LOT IN COMMON.

REALLY IS BECAUSE WE'VE GOT SUCH A LOT IN COMMON. YOU'RE AN AMERICAN SUPERSTAR,

A LOT IN COMMON. YOU'RE AN AMERICAN SUPERSTAR, AND I'M A WORLD SUPERSTAR.

YOU'RE AN AMERICAN SUPERSTAR, AND I'M A WORLD SUPERSTAR. AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

AND I'M A WORLD SUPERSTAR. AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL. THERE ARE OTHER LITTLE THINGS

AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL. THERE ARE OTHER LITTLE THINGS THAT WE SHARE, I THINK, BECAUSE

THERE ARE OTHER LITTLE THINGS THAT WE SHARE, I THINK, BECAUSE I'M A VERY PRIVATE PERSON, AND I

THAT WE SHARE, I THINK, BECAUSE I'M A VERY PRIVATE PERSON, AND I SUSPECT YOU ARE, TOO, MADELINE.

I'M A VERY PRIVATE PERSON, AND I SUSPECT YOU ARE, TOO, MADELINE. AND I'M A VERY VULNERABLE

SUSPECT YOU ARE, TOO, MADELINE. AND I'M A VERY VULNERABLE PERSON.

AND I'M A VERY VULNERABLE PERSON. YOU KNOW, LISTENERS, YOU LOOK AT

PERSON. YOU KNOW, LISTENERS, YOU LOOK AT ME AND YOU LOOK AT LITTLE

YOU KNOW, LISTENERS, YOU LOOK AT ME AND YOU LOOK AT LITTLE MADELINE, AND YOU SEE GLITTERING

ME AND YOU LOOK AT LITTLE MADELINE, AND YOU SEE GLITTERING SOPHISTICATES.

MADELINE, AND YOU SEE GLITTERING SOPHISTICATES. BUT, YOU KNOW, UNDERNEATH, DEEP

SOPHISTICATES. BUT, YOU KNOW, UNDERNEATH, DEEP DOWN, I'M SUCH A VULNERABLE

BUT, YOU KNOW, UNDERNEATH, DEEP DOWN, I'M SUCH A VULNERABLE WOMAN.

DOWN, I'M SUCH A VULNERABLE WOMAN. I'M SUCH A SHY WOMAN, MADELINE.

WOMAN. I'M SUCH A SHY WOMAN, MADELINE. YOU KNOW, MY HUSBAND HAS NEVER

I'M SUCH A SHY WOMAN, MADELINE. YOU KNOW, MY HUSBAND HAS NEVER SEEN ME NAKED.

YOU KNOW, MY HUSBAND HAS NEVER SEEN ME NAKED. NO.

SEEN ME NAKED. NO. NOR HAS HE EXPRESSED THE

NO. NOR HAS HE EXPRESSED THE LEAST DESIRE TO.

NOR HAS HE EXPRESSED THE LEAST DESIRE TO. I THINK THAT'S ONE OF THE THINGS

LEAST DESIRE TO. I THINK THAT'S ONE OF THE THINGS THAT CEMENTED OUR MARRIAGE

I THINK THAT'S ONE OF THE THINGS THAT CEMENTED OUR MARRIAGE TOGETHER.

THAT CEMENTED OUR MARRIAGE TOGETHER. I'M SO SORRY.

TOGETHER. I'M SO SORRY. I HAD NO IDEA.

I'M SO SORRY. I HAD NO IDEA. IN FACT, I DIDN'T... HOW LONG

I HAD NO IDEA. IN FACT, I DIDN'T... HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED?

IN FACT, I DIDN'T... HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED? OH, WELL, IT'S, UH, OUR

HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED? OH, WELL, IT'S, UH, OUR SILVER, I DO BELIEVE, THIS YEAR,

OH, WELL, IT'S, UH, OUR SILVER, I DO BELIEVE, THIS YEAR, AS A MATTER OF FACT.

SILVER, I DO BELIEVE, THIS YEAR, AS A MATTER OF FACT. 25 YEARS.

AS A MATTER OF FACT. 25 YEARS. BUT, YOU KNOW, I DON'T DATE OUR

25 YEARS. BUT, YOU KNOW, I DON'T DATE OUR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY FROM THE DAY

BUT, YOU KNOW, I DON'T DATE OUR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY FROM THE DAY THAT WE WERE MARRIED.

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY FROM THE DAY THAT WE WERE MARRIED. I DATE IT FROM THE DAY THAT OUR

THAT WE WERE MARRIED. I DATE IT FROM THE DAY THAT OUR MARRIAGE FIRST CLICKED.

I DATE IT FROM THE DAY THAT OUR MARRIAGE FIRST CLICKED. AND, YOU KNOW, IT WAS AN AUDIBLE

MARRIAGE FIRST CLICKED. AND, YOU KNOW, IT WAS AN AUDIBLE CLICK.

AND, YOU KNOW, IT WAS AN AUDIBLE CLICK. OUR MARRIAGE WENT "CLICK" IN THE

CLICK. OUR MARRIAGE WENT "CLICK" IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, AS A MATTER

OUR MARRIAGE WENT "CLICK" IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, AS A MATTER OF FACT.

MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, AS A MATTER OF FACT. MY HUSBAND WAS WHISKED OFF TO

OF FACT. MY HUSBAND WAS WHISKED OFF TO HOSPITAL IN A HORIZONTAL

MY HUSBAND WAS WHISKED OFF TO HOSPITAL IN A HORIZONTAL POSITION, AND I WENT WITH HIM.

HOSPITAL IN A HORIZONTAL POSITION, AND I WENT WITH HIM. I HAD NO CHOICE.

POSITION, AND I WENT WITH HIM. I HAD NO CHOICE. WE WERE INSEPARABLE, DARLING.

I HAD NO CHOICE. WE WERE INSEPARABLE, DARLING. [SIGHS]

WE WERE INSEPARABLE, DARLING. [SIGHS] HOSPITAL?

[SIGHS] HOSPITAL? THAT'S... THAT'S TERRIBLE.

HOSPITAL? THAT'S... THAT'S TERRIBLE. IN OTHER WORDS, HE...

THAT'S... THAT'S TERRIBLE. IN OTHER WORDS, HE... HE'S WITH US, AND HE ISN'T,

IN OTHER WORDS, HE... HE'S WITH US, AND HE ISN'T, DARLING.

HE'S WITH US, AND HE ISN'T, DARLING. HE'S WAY BACK IN AUSTRALIA WHERE

DARLING. HE'S WAY BACK IN AUSTRALIA WHERE I COME FROM, AS A MATTER OF

HE'S WAY BACK IN AUSTRALIA WHERE I COME FROM, AS A MATTER OF FACT.

I COME FROM, AS A MATTER OF FACT. THEN HE CANNOT BE WITH YOU.

FACT. THEN HE CANNOT BE WITH YOU. HE IS HOOKED UP TO A MIRACLE

THEN HE CANNOT BE WITH YOU. HE IS HOOKED UP TO A MIRACLE PROSTATE MACHINE, AS A MATTER OF

HE IS HOOKED UP TO A MIRACLE PROSTATE MACHINE, AS A MATTER OF FACT.

PROSTATE MACHINE, AS A MATTER OF FACT. MY HUSBAND SUFFERS FROM A

FACT. MY HUSBAND SUFFERS FROM A PROBLEM PROSTRATE.

MY HUSBAND SUFFERS FROM A PROBLEM PROSTRATE. BUT DID YOU KNOW THAT AUSTRALIA

PROBLEM PROSTRATE. BUT DID YOU KNOW THAT AUSTRALIA LEADS THE WORLD IN PROSTATE

BUT DID YOU KNOW THAT AUSTRALIA LEADS THE WORLD IN PROSTATE RESEARCH, LISTENERS?

LEADS THE WORLD IN PROSTATE RESEARCH, LISTENERS? WE DO.

RESEARCH, LISTENERS? WE DO. I JUST HOPE THERE'S NOT A

WE DO. I JUST HOPE THERE'S NOT A BLACKOUT BECAUSE MY HUSBAND WILL

I JUST HOPE THERE'S NOT A BLACKOUT BECAUSE MY HUSBAND WILL HAVE TO PEDAL TWICE AS HARD.

BLACKOUT BECAUSE MY HUSBAND WILL HAVE TO PEDAL TWICE AS HARD. OH!

HAVE TO PEDAL TWICE AS HARD. OH! RIGHT.

OH! RIGHT. WELL, UH...

RIGHT. WELL, UH... THEN GUESTS WILL HAVE TO MEND

WELL, UH... THEN GUESTS WILL HAVE TO MEND THE SHEETS.

THEN GUESTS WILL HAVE TO MEND THE SHEETS. OH, SHEETS.

THE SHEETS. OH, SHEETS. I'M SORRY.

OH, SHEETS. I'M SORRY. I DON'T MEAN TO CHANGE THE

I'M SORRY. I DON'T MEAN TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

I DON'T MEAN TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT. I JUST...

SUBJECT. I JUST... YOU'RE EXQUISITE.

I JUST... YOU'RE EXQUISITE. [LAUGHS]

YOU'RE EXQUISITE. [LAUGHS] I JUST WANT YOU TO TELL THE

[LAUGHS] I JUST WANT YOU TO TELL THE PEOPLE ABOUT THE ONE-WOMAN SHOW

I JUST WANT YOU TO TELL THE PEOPLE ABOUT THE ONE-WOMAN SHOW THAT YOU WILL BE DOING.

PEOPLE ABOUT THE ONE-WOMAN SHOW THAT YOU WILL BE DOING. OH, MY WONDERFUL ONE-WOMAN

THAT YOU WILL BE DOING. OH, MY WONDERFUL ONE-WOMAN SHOW.

OH, MY WONDERFUL ONE-WOMAN SHOW. WELL, IT'S REALLY HARD TO

SHOW. WELL, IT'S REALLY HARD TO DESCRIBE.

WELL, IT'S REALLY HARD TO DESCRIBE. IT'S A MIXTURE BETWEEN ONE OF

DESCRIBE. IT'S A MIXTURE BETWEEN ONE OF FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT'S FIRESIDE

IT'S A MIXTURE BETWEEN ONE OF FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT'S FIRESIDE CHATS AND "THE LUCY SHOW."

FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT'S FIRESIDE CHATS AND "THE LUCY SHOW." DO YOU GET THAT AUSTRALIAN

CHATS AND "THE LUCY SHOW." DO YOU GET THAT AUSTRALIAN TELEVISION SHOW OVER HERE,

DO YOU GET THAT AUSTRALIAN TELEVISION SHOW OVER HERE, DARLING?

TELEVISION SHOW OVER HERE, DARLING? I SUPPOSE IF YOUR AERIALS ARE

DARLING? I SUPPOSE IF YOUR AERIALS ARE HIGH ENOUGH YOU DO.

I SUPPOSE IF YOUR AERIALS ARE HIGH ENOUGH YOU DO. YOU KNOW, YOU'RE AN EXQUISITE

HIGH ENOUGH YOU DO. YOU KNOW, YOU'RE AN EXQUISITE CREATURE.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE AN EXQUISITE CREATURE. DID YOU MAKE THAT DRESS

CREATURE. DID YOU MAKE THAT DRESS YOURSELF, MADELINE?

DID YOU MAKE THAT DRESS YOURSELF, MADELINE? IT'S LOVELY, THOUGH.

YOURSELF, MADELINE? IT'S LOVELY, THOUGH. IT REALLY IS.

IT'S LOVELY, THOUGH. IT REALLY IS. IT DOES SOMETHING FOR YOU.

IT REALLY IS. IT DOES SOMETHING FOR YOU. DO YOU MIND ME TOUCHING YOU?

IT DOES SOMETHING FOR YOU. DO YOU MIND ME TOUCHING YOU? BECAUSE I'M VERY DRAWN TO MY OWN

DO YOU MIND ME TOUCHING YOU? BECAUSE I'M VERY DRAWN TO MY OWN SEX.

BECAUSE I'M VERY DRAWN TO MY OWN SEX. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT,

SEX. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT, IS THERE, DARLING?

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT, IS THERE, DARLING? I MEAN, I DON'T WANT TO PLAY

IS THERE, DARLING? I MEAN, I DON'T WANT TO PLAY DOCTOR OR NOTHING LIKE THAT.

I MEAN, I DON'T WANT TO PLAY DOCTOR OR NOTHING LIKE THAT. OH! HA HA.

DOCTOR OR NOTHING LIKE THAT. OH! HA HA. HA HA HA HA.

OH! HA HA. HA HA HA HA. THE SHOW ISN'T AS

HA HA HA HA. THE SHOW ISN'T AS PROMISCUOUS AS THAT.

THE SHOW ISN'T AS PROMISCUOUS AS THAT. OH.

PROMISCUOUS AS THAT. OH. BUT, YOU KNOW, I AM.

OH. BUT, YOU KNOW, I AM. AND I THINK IT'S NORMAL.

BUT, YOU KNOW, I AM. AND I THINK IT'S NORMAL. MY LITTLE TRAVELING COMPANION...

AND I THINK IT'S NORMAL. MY LITTLE TRAVELING COMPANION... I'M ALWAYS TRAVELING WITH THIS

MY LITTLE TRAVELING COMPANION... I'M ALWAYS TRAVELING WITH THIS EXQUISITE LITTLE WOMAN... MADGE.

I'M ALWAYS TRAVELING WITH THIS EXQUISITE LITTLE WOMAN... MADGE. AND DO YOU KNOW, LITTLE MADGE,

EXQUISITE LITTLE WOMAN... MADGE. AND DO YOU KNOW, LITTLE MADGE, SHE'S ALMOST MY PRIVATE

AND DO YOU KNOW, LITTLE MADGE, SHE'S ALMOST MY PRIVATE SECRETARY.

SHE'S ALMOST MY PRIVATE SECRETARY. QUITE OFTEN, WE SHARE A BED

SECRETARY. QUITE OFTEN, WE SHARE A BED TOGETHER.

QUITE OFTEN, WE SHARE A BED TOGETHER. A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK THAT'S

TOGETHER. A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK THAT'S UNHEALTHY.

A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK THAT'S UNHEALTHY. AND IT IS UNHEALTHY.

UNHEALTHY. AND IT IS UNHEALTHY. THAT WOMAN'S FEET ARE LIKE ICE.

AND IT IS UNHEALTHY. THAT WOMAN'S FEET ARE LIKE ICE. I CAN TELL YOU THAT.

THAT WOMAN'S FEET ARE LIKE ICE. I CAN TELL YOU THAT. WELL, NOW THEN, UH, WELL,

I CAN TELL YOU THAT. WELL, NOW THEN, UH, WELL, THAT'S FINE.

WELL, NOW THEN, UH, WELL, THAT'S FINE. I JUST DIDN'T REALIZE WE WOULD

THAT'S FINE. I JUST DIDN'T REALIZE WE WOULD BE... IN ANY CASE, UM, WHAT

I JUST DIDN'T REALIZE WE WOULD BE... IN ANY CASE, UM, WHAT WE'LL DO IS BE BACK RIGHT AFTER

BE... IN ANY CASE, UM, WHAT WE'LL DO IS BE BACK RIGHT AFTER THIS.

WE'LL DO IS BE BACK RIGHT AFTER THIS. I'VE GOT A LITTLE...

THIS. I'VE GOT A LITTLE... MESSAGE!

I'VE GOT A LITTLE... MESSAGE! I'M SORRY.

MESSAGE! I'M SORRY. YOU FRIGHTENED ME.

I'M SORRY. YOU FRIGHTENED ME. JUST A MOMENT.

YOU FRIGHTENED ME. JUST A MOMENT. WHAT?

JUST A MOMENT. WHAT? I GOT A LITTLE PRESENT FOR

WHAT? I GOT A LITTLE PRESENT FOR YOU, DARLING.

I GOT A LITTLE PRESENT FOR YOU, DARLING. I'VE COOKED YOU A DELICIOUS

YOU, DARLING. I'VE COOKED YOU A DELICIOUS AUSTRALIAN MEAL.

I'VE COOKED YOU A DELICIOUS AUSTRALIAN MEAL. OH, HA HA.

AUSTRALIAN MEAL. OH, HA HA. I DON'T BELIEVE I COULD...

OH, HA HA. I DON'T BELIEVE I COULD... IT'S OUR NATIONAL DISH,

I DON'T BELIEVE I COULD... IT'S OUR NATIONAL DISH, DARLING, AND YOU LOOK LIKE A

IT'S OUR NATIONAL DISH, DARLING, AND YOU LOOK LIKE A GIRL WHO COULD DO WITH SOMETHING

DARLING, AND YOU LOOK LIKE A GIRL WHO COULD DO WITH SOMETHING HOT INSIDE YOU.

GIRL WHO COULD DO WITH SOMETHING HOT INSIDE YOU. OH, HO HO.

HOT INSIDE YOU. OH, HO HO. IT'S PINEAPPLE AND SAUSAGE

OH, HO HO. IT'S PINEAPPLE AND SAUSAGE SURPRISE.

IT'S PINEAPPLE AND SAUSAGE SURPRISE. ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?

SURPRISE. ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL? WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER

ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL? WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS MESSAGE. GO AHEAD.

THIS MESSAGE. GO AHEAD. NO.

GO AHEAD. NO. [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

WE'LL GET BACK TO YOU, THOUGH, AS SOON AS WE'RE CLEAR FOR FINAL.

THOUGH, AS SOON AS WE'RE CLEAR FOR FINAL. WHEN YOU FLY, ARE YOU

FOR FINAL. WHEN YOU FLY, ARE YOU CONCERNED BY THE VOLUME OF AIR

WHEN YOU FLY, ARE YOU CONCERNED BY THE VOLUME OF AIR TRAFFIC, POSSIBLE OVERSIGHTS BY

CONCERNED BY THE VOLUME OF AIR TRAFFIC, POSSIBLE OVERSIGHTS BY AIR-TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS, THE

TRAFFIC, POSSIBLE OVERSIGHTS BY AIR-TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS, THE NUMBER OF HUMAN ERRORS COMMITTED

AIR-TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS, THE NUMBER OF HUMAN ERRORS COMMITTED BY PILOTS, AND THE OCCASIONAL

NUMBER OF HUMAN ERRORS COMMITTED BY PILOTS, AND THE OCCASIONAL LIKELIHOOD OF MIDAIR COLLISIONS?

BY PILOTS, AND THE OCCASIONAL LIKELIHOOD OF MIDAIR COLLISIONS? WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE

LIKELIHOOD OF MIDAIR COLLISIONS? WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE CAUGHT OFF-GUARD BY MIDAIR

WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE CAUGHT OFF-GUARD BY MIDAIR COLLISIONS THANKS TO POCKET PAL,

CAUGHT OFF-GUARD BY MIDAIR COLLISIONS THANKS TO POCKET PAL, ROVCO'S AMAZING NEW AIRBORNE

COLLISIONS THANKS TO POCKET PAL, ROVCO'S AMAZING NEW AIRBORNE EARLY-WARNING SYSTEM, WHICH

ROVCO'S AMAZING NEW AIRBORNE EARLY-WARNING SYSTEM, WHICH ACTUALLY PREDICTS MIDAIR

EARLY-WARNING SYSTEM, WHICH ACTUALLY PREDICTS MIDAIR COLLISIONS AS MUCH AS 10 SECONDS

ACTUALLY PREDICTS MIDAIR COLLISIONS AS MUCH AS 10 SECONDS BEFORE IMPACT.

COLLISIONS AS MUCH AS 10 SECONDS BEFORE IMPACT. INSIDE THE POCKET PAL, THERE ARE

BEFORE IMPACT. INSIDE THE POCKET PAL, THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF MICROPROCESSORS

INSIDE THE POCKET PAL, THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF MICROPROCESSORS WHICH ELECTRONICALLY DUPLICATE

THOUSANDS OF MICROPROCESSORS WHICH ELECTRONICALLY DUPLICATE THE SENSING MECHANISMS OF THE

WHICH ELECTRONICALLY DUPLICATE THE SENSING MECHANISMS OF THE SILVER-HAIRED BAT, A CREATURE

THE SENSING MECHANISMS OF THE SILVER-HAIRED BAT, A CREATURE NEVER CAUGHT UNAWARE BY MIDAIR

SILVER-HAIRED BAT, A CREATURE NEVER CAUGHT UNAWARE BY MIDAIR COLLISIONS.

NEVER CAUGHT UNAWARE BY MIDAIR COLLISIONS. SO, THE NEXT TIME YOU FLY, TAKE

COLLISIONS. SO, THE NEXT TIME YOU FLY, TAKE A POCKET PAL WITH YOU.

SO, THE NEXT TIME YOU FLY, TAKE A POCKET PAL WITH YOU. YOU MIGHT NOT NEED IT.

A POCKET PAL WITH YOU. YOU MIGHT NOT NEED IT. BUT IF YOU DO, YOU'LL BE THE

YOU MIGHT NOT NEED IT. BUT IF YOU DO, YOU'LL BE THE FIRST TO KNOW.

BUT IF YOU DO, YOU'LL BE THE FIRST TO KNOW. [BEEPING]

FIRST TO KNOW. [BEEPING] 747.

[BEEPING] 747. WE'RE GONNA COLLIDE WITH A 747!

747. WE'RE GONNA COLLIDE WITH A 747! [SCREAMS]

WE'RE GONNA COLLIDE WITH A 747! [SCREAMS] YOU MAY AS WELL BE THE FIRST TO

[SCREAMS] YOU MAY AS WELL BE THE FIRST TO KNOW.

YOU MAY AS WELL BE THE FIRST TO KNOW. AAAAAH!

[CRASH] THE LAST WORD IN PERSONAL ELECTRONIC SYSTEMS.

THE LAST WORD IN PERSONAL ELECTRONIC SYSTEMS. [Slurring] YOU WANT ANOTHER

ELECTRONIC SYSTEMS. [Slurring] YOU WANT ANOTHER VODKA AND TAB?

[Slurring] YOU WANT ANOTHER VODKA AND TAB? [Slurring] I DON'T...

VODKA AND TAB? [Slurring] I DON'T... I DON'T THINK SO.

[Slurring] I DON'T... I DON'T THINK SO. I THINK THAT 12 IS MY LIMIT.

I DON'T THINK SO. I THINK THAT 12 IS MY LIMIT. YEAH, WELL, I THINK MY

I THINK THAT 12 IS MY LIMIT. YEAH, WELL, I THINK MY LIMIT'S ABOUT 1,000.

YEAH, WELL, I THINK MY LIMIT'S ABOUT 1,000. NOW, LOOK, I DON'T WANT YOU

LIMIT'S ABOUT 1,000. NOW, LOOK, I DON'T WANT YOU TO WORRY ANYMORE.

NOW, LOOK, I DON'T WANT YOU TO WORRY ANYMORE. I WANT YOU TO STOP WORRYING.

TO WORRY ANYMORE. I WANT YOU TO STOP WORRYING. HE'S GOING TO CALL YOU.

I WANT YOU TO STOP WORRYING. HE'S GOING TO CALL YOU. YOU MET HIM AT THE PARTY, TOOK

HE'S GOING TO CALL YOU. YOU MET HIM AT THE PARTY, TOOK YOUR NUMBER.

YOU MET HIM AT THE PARTY, TOOK YOUR NUMBER. YOU HAD THIS WONDERFUL TIME

YOUR NUMBER. YOU HAD THIS WONDERFUL TIME SINGING THE THEME SONG FROM

YOU HAD THIS WONDERFUL TIME SINGING THE THEME SONG FROM "THE PATTY DUKE SHOW."

SINGING THE THEME SONG FROM "THE PATTY DUKE SHOW." YEAH.

"THE PATTY DUKE SHOW." YEAH. HE EVEN KNEW...

YEAH. HE EVEN KNEW... ♪ WE LAUGH ALIKE ♪

HE EVEN KNEW... ♪ WE LAUGH ALIKE ♪ ♪ WE TALK ALIKE ♪

♪ WE LAUGH ALIKE ♪ ♪ WE TALK ALIKE ♪ ♪ SOMETIMES WE EVEN WALK ALIKE ♪

♪ WE TALK ALIKE ♪ ♪ SOMETIMES WE EVEN WALK ALIKE ♪ HE KNEW THIS?

♪ SOMETIMES WE EVEN WALK ALIKE ♪ HE KNEW THIS? YEAH.

HE KNEW THIS? YEAH. AND THEN WE GOT INTO THIS REALLY

YEAH. AND THEN WE GOT INTO THIS REALLY GREAT CONVERSATION ABOUT WHICH

AND THEN WE GOT INTO THIS REALLY GREAT CONVERSATION ABOUT WHICH YOU'D RATHER BE ON

GREAT CONVERSATION ABOUT WHICH YOU'D RATHER BE ON "THE PATTY DUKE SHOW"... PATTY

YOU'D RATHER BE ON "THE PATTY DUKE SHOW"... PATTY OR CATHY.

"THE PATTY DUKE SHOW"... PATTY OR CATHY. REALLY?

OR CATHY. REALLY? RIGHT.

REALLY? RIGHT. AND HE SAID THAT HE'D RATHER BE

RIGHT. AND HE SAID THAT HE'D RATHER BE PATTY BECAUSE OF HER GROWING UP

AND HE SAID THAT HE'D RATHER BE PATTY BECAUSE OF HER GROWING UP IN AMERICA IN BROOKLYN HEIGHTS

PATTY BECAUSE OF HER GROWING UP IN AMERICA IN BROOKLYN HEIGHTS AND BEING NORMAL AND EVERYTHING.

IN AMERICA IN BROOKLYN HEIGHTS AND BEING NORMAL AND EVERYTHING. AND I SAID THAT I WOULD RATHER

AND BEING NORMAL AND EVERYTHING. AND I SAID THAT I WOULD RATHER BE CATHY BECAUSE OF GETTING THE

AND I SAID THAT I WOULD RATHER BE CATHY BECAUSE OF GETTING THE CHANCE TO GROW UP IN EUROPE.

BE CATHY BECAUSE OF GETTING THE CHANCE TO GROW UP IN EUROPE. AND HE SAID THAT HE UNDERSTOOD,

CHANCE TO GROW UP IN EUROPE. AND HE SAID THAT HE UNDERSTOOD, BUT HE WOULD STILL RATHER BE

AND HE SAID THAT HE UNDERSTOOD, BUT HE WOULD STILL RATHER BE PATTY BECAUSE SHE COULD ALWAYS,

BUT HE WOULD STILL RATHER BE PATTY BECAUSE SHE COULD ALWAYS, WHEN SHE GREW UP, MOVE TO

PATTY BECAUSE SHE COULD ALWAYS, WHEN SHE GREW UP, MOVE TO EUROPE.

WHEN SHE GREW UP, MOVE TO EUROPE. BUT CATHY COULDN'T BECAUSE IF

EUROPE. BUT CATHY COULDN'T BECAUSE IF SHE GREW UP IN AMERICA, SHE'D

BUT CATHY COULDN'T BECAUSE IF SHE GREW UP IN AMERICA, SHE'D ALREADY BE GROWN UP.

SHE GREW UP IN AMERICA, SHE'D ALREADY BE GROWN UP. HE SAID THIS?

ALREADY BE GROWN UP. HE SAID THIS? GAIL...

HE SAID THIS? GAIL... A PERSON WITH THE CAPACITY TO

GAIL... A PERSON WITH THE CAPACITY TO SAY SOMETHING THAT SENSITIVE

A PERSON WITH THE CAPACITY TO SAY SOMETHING THAT SENSITIVE ABOUT "THE PATTY DUKE SHOW" IS

SAY SOMETHING THAT SENSITIVE ABOUT "THE PATTY DUKE SHOW" IS NOT GOING TO NOT CALL YOU.

ABOUT "THE PATTY DUKE SHOW" IS NOT GOING TO NOT CALL YOU. JUDITH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

NOT GOING TO NOT CALL YOU. JUDITH, YOU'RE RIGHT. RIGHT.

JUDITH, YOU'RE RIGHT. RIGHT. BUT, LISTEN, YOU'RE VERY LUCKY

RIGHT. BUT, LISTEN, YOU'RE VERY LUCKY TO HAVE MET THIS GUY.

BUT, LISTEN, YOU'RE VERY LUCKY TO HAVE MET THIS GUY. YOU KNOW THE KIND OF GUY I MET?

TO HAVE MET THIS GUY. YOU KNOW THE KIND OF GUY I MET? YOU KNOW THE KIND OF GUY WHO

YOU KNOW THE KIND OF GUY I MET? YOU KNOW THE KIND OF GUY WHO TELLS YOU EXTREMELY FUNNY

YOU KNOW THE KIND OF GUY WHO TELLS YOU EXTREMELY FUNNY STORIES ABOUT THE MISTAKES THEY

TELLS YOU EXTREMELY FUNNY STORIES ABOUT THE MISTAKES THEY MADE ON HIS MASTER CHARGE BILL?

STORIES ABOUT THE MISTAKES THEY MADE ON HIS MASTER CHARGE BILL? WA, WA, WA, WA, WA.

MADE ON HIS MASTER CHARGE BILL? WA, WA, WA, WA, WA. [LAUGHING]

WA, WA, WA, WA, WA. [LAUGHING] OH, MAN, I'M SO BORED!

[LAUGHING] OH, MAN, I'M SO BORED! I AM SO DRUNK!

OH, MAN, I'M SO BORED! I AM SO DRUNK! I WANT TO DO SOMETHING.

I AM SO DRUNK! I WANT TO DO SOMETHING. LET'S DO SOMETHING!

I WANT TO DO SOMETHING. LET'S DO SOMETHING! WHAT?

LET'S DO SOMETHING! WHAT? I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT? I DON'T KNOW. I KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW. I KNOW. LET'S TELL EACH OTHER NAUSEATING

I KNOW. LET'S TELL EACH OTHER NAUSEATING THINGS ABOUT THINGS WE DO IN

LET'S TELL EACH OTHER NAUSEATING THINGS ABOUT THINGS WE DO IN PRIVATE.

THINGS ABOUT THINGS WE DO IN PRIVATE. NO.

PRIVATE. NO. OH.

NO. OH. I KNOW.

OH. I KNOW. LET'S TELL EACH OTHER SOMETHING

I KNOW. LET'S TELL EACH OTHER SOMETHING THAT WE NEVER TOLD ANYBODY ELSE

LET'S TELL EACH OTHER SOMETHING THAT WE NEVER TOLD ANYBODY ELSE BEFORE.

THAT WE NEVER TOLD ANYBODY ELSE BEFORE. OKAY.

BEFORE. OKAY. READY?

OKAY. READY? YEAH.

READY? YEAH. OKAY. OKAY.

YEAH. OKAY. OKAY. JUDITH...

OKAY. OKAY. JUDITH... I HATE MY BREASTS.

JUDITH... I HATE MY BREASTS. WHAT?

I HATE MY BREASTS. WHAT? I HATE THEM!

WHAT? I HATE THEM! I HATE THE SHAPE OF THEM.

I HATE THEM! I HATE THE SHAPE OF THEM. I HATE ONE MORE THAN THE OTHER.

I HATE THE SHAPE OF THEM. I HATE ONE MORE THAN THE OTHER. AND I JUST... I JUST HAVE NEVER

I HATE ONE MORE THAN THE OTHER. AND I JUST... I JUST HAVE NEVER SEEN THEM IN A MAGAZINE.

AND I JUST... I JUST HAVE NEVER SEEN THEM IN A MAGAZINE. WELL.

SEEN THEM IN A MAGAZINE. WELL. WELL, ALL RIGHT.

WELL. WELL, ALL RIGHT. WELL, I APPRECIATE YOUR

WELL, ALL RIGHT. WELL, I APPRECIATE YOUR FRANKNESS.

WELL, I APPRECIATE YOUR FRANKNESS. I THINK THAT IT TAKES A GREAT

FRANKNESS. I THINK THAT IT TAKES A GREAT DEAL OF COURAGE TO SAY A THING

I THINK THAT IT TAKES A GREAT DEAL OF COURAGE TO SAY A THING LIKE THAT.

DEAL OF COURAGE TO SAY A THING LIKE THAT. THANK YOU.

LIKE THAT. THANK YOU. NOW IT'S YOUR TURN.

THANK YOU. NOW IT'S YOUR TURN. YOU TELL ME SOMETHING YOU NEVER

NOW IT'S YOUR TURN. YOU TELL ME SOMETHING YOU NEVER TOLD ANYONE ELSE.

YOU TELL ME SOMETHING YOU NEVER TOLD ANYONE ELSE. OKAY. OKAY.

TOLD ANYONE ELSE. OKAY. OKAY. SOMETIMES I THINK I AM EXTREMELY

OKAY. OKAY. SOMETIMES I THINK I AM EXTREMELY SEXY.

SOMETIMES I THINK I AM EXTREMELY SEXY. REALLY?

SEXY. REALLY? YES.

REALLY? YES. MOSTLY IT HAPPENS WHEN I'M

YES. MOSTLY IT HAPPENS WHEN I'M ALONE.

MOSTLY IT HAPPENS WHEN I'M ALONE. SOMETIMES IT HAPPENS WHEN I'M

ALONE. SOMETIMES IT HAPPENS WHEN I'M WALKING THROUGH A STORE.

SOMETIMES IT HAPPENS WHEN I'M WALKING THROUGH A STORE. WHY THEN?

WALKING THROUGH A STORE. WHY THEN? I DON'T KNOW.

WHY THEN? I DON'T KNOW. I'M JUST TELLING YOU THE

I DON'T KNOW. I'M JUST TELLING YOU THE PATTERN.

I'M JUST TELLING YOU THE PATTERN. OH.

PATTERN. OH. WELL, I'M HAVING ANOTHER.

OH. WELL, I'M HAVING ANOTHER. IF HE DOESN'T CALL YOU... I

WELL, I'M HAVING ANOTHER. IF HE DOESN'T CALL YOU... I MEAN, IF HE DOES NOT CALL,

IF HE DOESN'T CALL YOU... I MEAN, IF HE DOES NOT CALL, YOU'LL NOT HAVE TO GO THROUGH

MEAN, IF HE DOES NOT CALL, YOU'LL NOT HAVE TO GO THROUGH THAT AWFUL THING WHEN A GUY

YOU'LL NOT HAVE TO GO THROUGH THAT AWFUL THING WHEN A GUY SLEEPS OVER YOUR HOUSE AND

THAT AWFUL THING WHEN A GUY SLEEPS OVER YOUR HOUSE AND LEAVES THE TOILET SEAT UP.

SLEEPS OVER YOUR HOUSE AND LEAVES THE TOILET SEAT UP. YOU GO INTO THE BATHROOM.

LEAVES THE TOILET SEAT UP. YOU GO INTO THE BATHROOM. YOU SINK DOWN TWO FEET INTO THE

YOU GO INTO THE BATHROOM. YOU SINK DOWN TWO FEET INTO THE FREEZING-COLD PORCELAIN.

YOU SINK DOWN TWO FEET INTO THE FREEZING-COLD PORCELAIN. YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.

FREEZING-COLD PORCELAIN. YEAH, THAT'S TRUE. PLUS... PLUS YOU DO NOT HAVE

YEAH, THAT'S TRUE. PLUS... PLUS YOU DO NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHAT ANGLE TO LIE

PLUS... PLUS YOU DO NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHAT ANGLE TO LIE ON THE BED SO THE FAT ON YOUR

TO WORRY ABOUT WHAT ANGLE TO LIE ON THE BED SO THE FAT ON YOUR THIGHS ISN'T SPREAD OUT TOO

ON THE BED SO THE FAT ON YOUR THIGHS ISN'T SPREAD OUT TOO MUCH.

THIGHS ISN'T SPREAD OUT TOO MUCH. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

MUCH. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT? [BOTH LAUGHING]

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT? [BOTH LAUGHING] YEAH.

[BOTH LAUGHING] YEAH. OH. OW.

YEAH. OH. OW. OH, LISTEN.

OH. OW. OH, LISTEN. YEAH.

OH, LISTEN. YEAH. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

YEAH. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. I HAVE A STORY HERE.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. I HAVE A STORY HERE. I KNOW THIS IS GONNA MAKE YOU

I HAVE A STORY HERE. I KNOW THIS IS GONNA MAKE YOU FEEL A LOT BETTER, OKAY?

I KNOW THIS IS GONNA MAKE YOU FEEL A LOT BETTER, OKAY? NOW, LOOK HERE.

FEEL A LOT BETTER, OKAY? NOW, LOOK HERE. ALL RIGHT, I WENT OUT WITH THIS

NOW, LOOK HERE. ALL RIGHT, I WENT OUT WITH THIS GUY THIS ONE TIME.

ALL RIGHT, I WENT OUT WITH THIS GUY THIS ONE TIME. AND, LIKE, I WAS GONNA BE REALLY

GUY THIS ONE TIME. AND, LIKE, I WAS GONNA BE REALLY OPEN WITH THIS GUY.

AND, LIKE, I WAS GONNA BE REALLY OPEN WITH THIS GUY. AND I WAS REALLY SHOW THIS GUY

OPEN WITH THIS GUY. AND I WAS REALLY SHOW THIS GUY HOW I FELT ABOUT HIM, RIGHT?

AND I WAS REALLY SHOW THIS GUY HOW I FELT ABOUT HIM, RIGHT? HE WAS A DOCTOR.

HOW I FELT ABOUT HIM, RIGHT? HE WAS A DOCTOR. SO... SO, I WENT INTO THIS CARD

HE WAS A DOCTOR. SO... SO, I WENT INTO THIS CARD STORE.

SO... SO, I WENT INTO THIS CARD STORE. AND, UH, I FOUND THIS TINY

STORE. AND, UH, I FOUND THIS TINY LITTLE DOCTOR KIT, RIGHT, THAT

AND, UH, I FOUND THIS TINY LITTLE DOCTOR KIT, RIGHT, THAT HAD THESE TEENY LITTLE BAND-AIDS

LITTLE DOCTOR KIT, RIGHT, THAT HAD THESE TEENY LITTLE BAND-AIDS AND IT HAD THIS LITTLE TINY

HAD THESE TEENY LITTLE BAND-AIDS AND IT HAD THIS LITTLE TINY STETHOSCOPE AND THIS TINY ROLL

AND IT HAD THIS LITTLE TINY STETHOSCOPE AND THIS TINY ROLL OF GAUZE IN IT.

STETHOSCOPE AND THIS TINY ROLL OF GAUZE IN IT. AND IT HAD THIS TEENSY LITTLE

OF GAUZE IN IT. AND IT HAD THIS TEENSY LITTLE THERMOMETER, AND IT HAD THIS

AND IT HAD THIS TEENSY LITTLE THERMOMETER, AND IT HAD THIS TEENY, TINY, LITTLE CASE.

THERMOMETER, AND IT HAD THIS TEENY, TINY, LITTLE CASE. AND I SENT IT TO HIM, YOU KNOW?

TEENY, TINY, LITTLE CASE. AND I SENT IT TO HIM, YOU KNOW? HE NEVER CALLED ME AGAIN.

AND I SENT IT TO HIM, YOU KNOW? HE NEVER CALLED ME AGAIN. I DON'T FEEL BETTER.

HE NEVER CALLED ME AGAIN. I DON'T FEEL BETTER. OH, ALL RIGHT.

I DON'T FEEL BETTER. OH, ALL RIGHT. SO WHAT IF HE DOESN'T CALL?

OH, ALL RIGHT. SO WHAT IF HE DOESN'T CALL? THIS IS JUST ANOTHER GUY.

SO WHAT IF HE DOESN'T CALL? THIS IS JUST ANOTHER GUY. I KNOW IT'S JUST ANOTHER GUY,

THIS IS JUST ANOTHER GUY. I KNOW IT'S JUST ANOTHER GUY, BUT WHY CAN'T IT BE EASY LIKE IT

I KNOW IT'S JUST ANOTHER GUY, BUT WHY CAN'T IT BE EASY LIKE IT IS IN MOVIES AND BOOKS?!

BUT WHY CAN'T IT BE EASY LIKE IT IS IN MOVIES AND BOOKS?! I KNOW IT.

IS IN MOVIES AND BOOKS?! I KNOW IT. I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW.

I KNOW IT. I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW. THE COUPLE THAT'S LYING ON THE

I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW. THE COUPLE THAT'S LYING ON THE BEACH, SOME IMPROMPTU BEACH

THE COUPLE THAT'S LYING ON THE BEACH, SOME IMPROMPTU BEACH BARBECUE, RIGHT?

BEACH, SOME IMPROMPTU BEACH BARBECUE, RIGHT? AND THEY GET INTO THIS

BARBECUE, RIGHT? AND THEY GET INTO THIS CONVERSATION ABOUT, LIKE,

AND THEY GET INTO THIS CONVERSATION ABOUT, LIKE, NORMAN MAILER.

CONVERSATION ABOUT, LIKE, NORMAN MAILER. AND, AT FIRST, THEY'RE ON REAL

NORMAN MAILER. AND, AT FIRST, THEY'RE ON REAL OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE ISSUE.

AND, AT FIRST, THEY'RE ON REAL OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE ISSUE. I MEAN, THESE PEOPLE ARE... I

OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE ISSUE. I MEAN, THESE PEOPLE ARE... I MEAN, THESE PEOPLE REALLY HATE

I MEAN, THESE PEOPLE ARE... I MEAN, THESE PEOPLE REALLY HATE EACH OTHER.

MEAN, THESE PEOPLE REALLY HATE EACH OTHER. YEAH.

EACH OTHER. YEAH. AND THEN HE COMES OVER TO HER

YEAH. AND THEN HE COMES OVER TO HER WHILE THE EMBERS ARE DYING AND

AND THEN HE COMES OVER TO HER WHILE THE EMBERS ARE DYING AND ALL THAT STUFF.

WHILE THE EMBERS ARE DYING AND ALL THAT STUFF. AND THEY BOTH FIND OUT THEY BOTH

ALL THAT STUFF. AND THEY BOTH FIND OUT THEY BOTH REALLY LOVE OLD COLE PORTER

AND THEY BOTH FIND OUT THEY BOTH REALLY LOVE OLD COLE PORTER SONGS.

REALLY LOVE OLD COLE PORTER SONGS. AND THEY START SINGING THEM

SONGS. AND THEY START SINGING THEM TOGETHER REAL QUIETLY.

AND THEY START SINGING THEM TOGETHER REAL QUIETLY. AND THE BEACH IS GETTING COLDER.

TOGETHER REAL QUIETLY. AND THE BEACH IS GETTING COLDER. SHE PUTS ON ONE OF THESE BIG,

AND THE BEACH IS GETTING COLDER. SHE PUTS ON ONE OF THESE BIG, BULKY FISHERMAN-KNIT SWEATERS,

SHE PUTS ON ONE OF THESE BIG, BULKY FISHERMAN-KNIT SWEATERS, RIGHT?

BULKY FISHERMAN-KNIT SWEATERS, RIGHT? AND THEN, HEY, THEY HAVE THIS

RIGHT? AND THEN, HEY, THEY HAVE THIS PRETEND FIGHT ABOUT THE LYRICS

AND THEN, HEY, THEY HAVE THIS PRETEND FIGHT ABOUT THE LYRICS TO THIS ONE SONG.

PRETEND FIGHT ABOUT THE LYRICS TO THIS ONE SONG. AND THEN BEFORE YOU EVEN KNOW

TO THIS ONE SONG. AND THEN BEFORE YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT IT, EVEN THOUGH IT IS

AND THEN BEFORE YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT IT, EVEN THOUGH IT IS FREEZING COLD ON THE BEACH,

ABOUT IT, EVEN THOUGH IT IS FREEZING COLD ON THE BEACH, THESE PEOPLE ARE MAKING LOVE ON

FREEZING COLD ON THE BEACH, THESE PEOPLE ARE MAKING LOVE ON THE BEACH.

THESE PEOPLE ARE MAKING LOVE ON THE BEACH. AND THEN, LIKE, HE COMES OVER

THE BEACH. AND THEN, LIKE, HE COMES OVER AND SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT THE

AND THEN, LIKE, HE COMES OVER AND SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT THE WAVES.

AND SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT THE WAVES. AND SHE ENDS UP CRYING ABOUT HER

WAVES. AND SHE ENDS UP CRYING ABOUT HER DEAD FATHER.

AND SHE ENDS UP CRYING ABOUT HER DEAD FATHER. AND HE ENDS UP KISSING HER FACE

DEAD FATHER. AND HE ENDS UP KISSING HER FACE ALL OVER, EVEN THOUGH HE JUST

AND HE ENDS UP KISSING HER FACE ALL OVER, EVEN THOUGH HE JUST MET HER ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.

ALL OVER, EVEN THOUGH HE JUST MET HER ABOUT AN HOUR AGO. AND THEN SHE LOOKS UP AT HIM

MET HER ABOUT AN HOUR AGO. AND THEN SHE LOOKS UP AT HIM WITH THIS TEAR-STAINED FACE.

AND THEN SHE LOOKS UP AT HIM WITH THIS TEAR-STAINED FACE. AND HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO SAY

WITH THIS TEAR-STAINED FACE. AND HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO SAY TO HER "YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, EVEN

AND HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO SAY TO HER "YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE CRYING" BECAUSE WE

TO HER "YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE CRYING" BECAUSE WE CAN ALL SEE SHE'S BEAUTIFUL,

THOUGH YOU'RE CRYING" BECAUSE WE CAN ALL SEE SHE'S BEAUTIFUL, EVEN THOUGH SHE'S CRYING.

CAN ALL SEE SHE'S BEAUTIFUL, EVEN THOUGH SHE'S CRYING. AND THEN THEY FALL IN LOVE!

EVEN THOUGH SHE'S CRYING. AND THEN THEY FALL IN LOVE! BUT MY QUESTION IS...

AND THEN THEY FALL IN LOVE! BUT MY QUESTION IS... WHEN SHE'S CRYING, WHY DOESN'T

BUT MY QUESTION IS... WHEN SHE'S CRYING, WHY DOESN'T HER NOSE EVER RUN?

WHEN SHE'S CRYING, WHY DOESN'T HER NOSE EVER RUN? I MEAN, WHY DO THOSE GIRLS...

HER NOSE EVER RUN? I MEAN, WHY DO THOSE GIRLS... WHY IS IT THEIR NOSE NEVER

I MEAN, WHY DO THOSE GIRLS... WHY IS IT THEIR NOSE NEVER RUNS?!

WHY IS IT THEIR NOSE NEVER RUNS?! THEY COULD BE CRYING AND KISS

RUNS?! THEY COULD BE CRYING AND KISS THE GUY WHILE THEY'RE CRYING,

THEY COULD BE CRYING AND KISS THE GUY WHILE THEY'RE CRYING, BUT THEY NEVER HAVE TO STOP AND

THE GUY WHILE THEY'RE CRYING, BUT THEY NEVER HAVE TO STOP AND BLOW THEIR NOSE!

BUT THEY NEVER HAVE TO STOP AND BLOW THEIR NOSE! WHY?!

BLOW THEIR NOSE! WHY?! IT'S THE SAME REASON THAT

WHY?! IT'S THE SAME REASON THAT HE'S NOT GOING TO CALL YOU...

IT'S THE SAME REASON THAT HE'S NOT GOING TO CALL YOU... WHICH IS I DON'T KNOW.

HE'S NOT GOING TO CALL YOU... WHICH IS I DON'T KNOW. WHY IS IT THOSE GIRLS NEVER

WHICH IS I DON'T KNOW. WHY IS IT THOSE GIRLS NEVER HAVE TO BLOW THEIR NOSE?

WHY IS IT THOSE GIRLS NEVER HAVE TO BLOW THEIR NOSE? [TELEPHONE RINGS]

HAVE TO BLOW THEIR NOSE? [TELEPHONE RINGS] HELLO?

[TELEPHONE RINGS] HELLO? JEFF?

HELLO? JEFF? YEAH, I'M UP.

JEFF? YEAH, I'M UP. OH, NOTHING.

YEAH, I'M UP. OH, NOTHING. OH, YEAH, SURE.

GOOD NIGHT.

THANK YOU FOR WATCHING.

GOOD NIGHT.

THANK YOU FOR WATCHING.

THANK YOU, BARRY HUMPHRIES.

THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: NEXT SATURDAY

NIGHT, OUR HOST WILL BE

HUGH HEFNER, WITH MUSICAL GUEST

LIBBY TITUS AND ANDY KAUFMAN.

UNTIL THEN, REMEMBER COLUMBUS

DAY IS COMING UP.

SO, WHY DON'T YOU TRY TO

DISCOVER SOMETHING?

THIS IS DON PARDO SAYING

GOOD NIGHT.