Original subtitles

- Hey. - Jay.

Why are you looking up there?

- Trying to shake things up a bit. - Why?

Because people keep telling me I should.

What's the Peruvian special blend like?

I like it but some people find the top notes a little overpowering.

- What are they? - Kind of rustic.

Rustic, like cow shit?

No. Who's telling you need to shake things up? Ellen?

Yeah, and I will.

But I need to know if this coffee tastes like cow shit before I order.

No, I mean...

I guess cow shit is a part of the rustic olfactory experience.

So it does or it doesn't?

The top note is not cow shit, of course.

The top note is rusticity.

But I guess if you would take apart the smell of it,

like a farm in Vermont or somewhere,

cow shit would be one of those things.

How could it smell like a farm in Vermont if it's Peruvian?

I've never smelt a Peruvian farm before.

I was trying to analogize.

Do you think it might smell like a Peruvian farm?

That would be pretty overwhelmingly cow shitty, I would've thought.

The coffee doesn't smell a cow shit, okay?

You're walking by a river near a farm.

A Peruvian farm, but not a really, really Peruvian one.

- No goats? - No goats.

You smell the water and some fauna, and some flora,

and exotic herbs in a little tiny puff of something more agricultural.

Sold.

So, Ellen wants you to be more surprising.

- Not just Ellen. - Who else? Your kids?

I decided to see a personal therapist.

- First time in my life. - You did?

That's great.

- Why is it? - I think everyone should go.

No offense, Jay,

but you must have a whole ton of troubles, what with the...

I could see why you would need to go.

But I never saw it for me.

I'm sure you didn't. So why do it?

- Well, you were a part of it actually. - Me?

- I sent you to therapy? - Not directly.

It's a combination of a whole lot of things,

all of them connected to my straightness,

my perceived lack of any interesting kinks in my psyche.

So your lack of need for therapy drove you to therapy?

- And any interesting kinks? - Yeah.

By the end of 15 minutes, I was beginning to feel

like I had more mental problems than any human on the planet.

- You're kidding me? - You knew?

And before I go and talk to my wife,

I want to apologize for any inappropriate curiosity

over the last few weeks.

Did you just say that because I walked in?

Yes, I wanted you to hear it.

I talked about Jay in my session yesterday.

- Good. - "Good"? Are you kidding me?

I don't want to be the focus of his weird heteronormative obsessions.

That's exactly what he should be talking about there.

Absurd, creepy and inappropriate.

Maybe Jay should be the judge of that.

No offense, Scott, they're absurd, creepy and inappropriate.

- Okay. - Is that an apology?

- It's as close as you'll get. - I'll bring your tea over.

- I'm sorry. It's just I never... - Just stop at "I'm sorry".

That was big.

Yeah, I guess it was.

Have you always gone to therapy?

- What? - Now he asks.

Just making conversation.

Well, you never made this conversation before.

All those years of me seeing someone.

It's like when you have a baby,

you look around and you recognize for the first time

people have babies all the time.

Because you're in therapy you want to talk about it with other people?

Sure. It's a new hobby. Why wouldn't I show more interest?

- Therapy isn't like fishing. - No, of course not.

What were you thinking of?

- The differences? - Yeah.

The differences between therapy and fishing?

Yeah. Apart from equipment.

Right. You're serious?

- Yeah. - Okay.

The first one at that front of my mind

is that therapy attempts to...

Well, it deals with how you are as a person.

- Not a lot of hobbies do that. - Yeah.

We're talking about the difference between fishing and therapy.

Which one of you is the fisher person?

I go out sometimes. Deep sea. I have a boat.

- I've always wanted to do that. - Come on.

Stop messing with his head again.

- What? - Fishing?

You're presuming I don't want to fish? You're worse than him.

You're not vegan?

No, I'm just Jay.

I'm sorry.

It's just, you know, the whole non-dairy...

I'm not the one who's non-dairy. It's the customers.

Hey, you want to come out some day?

On a boat? Sure.

Okay.

I never thought I'd be going out fishing with someone who says "fisher person".

Can you handle it?

- I think I can. - Great.

- This is good. - I knew you'd like it.

You have a new pal.

Anyway, I stopped going to therapy a while ago.

You stopped? Really?

Scott, do you ever think about not asking a question?

Why shouldn't I ask a question?

When it makes you seem like the least curious,

most self-absorbed person in America?

I have a choice.

I could not ask the question and remain inexcusably ignorant.

Or I got to ask the question and come across as an asshole.

I'm interested. So I'm taking the asshole route.

The road most traveled.

I'm gonna ignore that and ask about your themes.

In therapy, apart from our marriage?

Yeah, was there anything else?

Of course. My dad. My work. My sister.

- You used to talk about your work? - Sure.

When I quit the nonprofit to be a mom, it killed me.

I mean, you knew that much, at least.

So we talked a lot about identity and frustration,

and that linked in nicely with my dad,

who was work obsessed and never home.

Interesting.

What now?

It's as interesting as it's ever been.

Do you want me to ask you about your themes?

Is that the point of this conversation?

Only if you're interested.

I mean, I know I'm right at the beginning,

but I can see that women are going to be an issue.

Well, duh.

I don't do me like that, I just mean...

Maybe I have some complicated ideas about women.

So you're complicated after all.

Well, can you be an uncomplicated person with complicated ideas?

Like, Einstein.

Was he an uncomplicated person? I don't really know.

First of all, I like how Einstein is your first point of comparison.

Secondly, you have brilliant theories about women,

ideas that will help explain the feminine universe

or just fucked up attitudes that need examining.

Let me answer for you.

You have fucked up attitudes that need examining and eradicating.

Yeah, I'm sure you're right.

I thought you'd be pleased I decided to do it.

I'm sorry. I am pleased.

But are you doing it for me?

I don't know.

Yeah, I guess. Yeah.

How does that work?

Because I can't just go on being me.

Not if I want to stay married to you.

That has become clear to me.

Why do you want to stay married to me if that's the cost?

You're a good guy.

Solvent, funny. Still handsome.

There are lots of other women out there for you.

People who would love to look at the Normandy beaches.

I'm not being sarcastic.

Some women like military history.

Of course they do.

Plus the Normandy thing...

They're still beaches in France.

Why do you want a wife who wants to bend you out of shape?

'Cause she's the one I've got.

There has to be a more compelling answer.

Everything is up in the air.

We have a chance to rebuild.

Live the lives we want.

I feel comfortable with you.

Is that enough for you?

I'd rather feel comfortable with you

than uncomfortable with someone else.

We're not couches.

What's wrong in a comfortable couch?

They're not nothing, they're hard to find.

Take a long time to wear in.

Jesus, Scott, people sit on couches.

Nobody wants to be sat on for 40 years

while you shout at baseball on TV.

Okay, I'm talking about the marriage, not the wife.

We have a comfortable marriage.

You want an uncomfortable marriage?

You want to start all over again?

Squirming around so your ass makes the right shape in the cushion...

I just wonder somewhere out there is a sofa with indentations

the exact sizes of our asses.

You mean apart from the one at home?

It would be so easy to settle back into the one at home.

That's why this is so hard.

It's hard because it would be easy.

I don't want easy.

I can't want easy.

And you didn't even notice I wasn't sitting on the sofa at home much.

It will still remember your shape.

I think what I'm saying...

You're saying someone else might be a better fit.

For you, too.

Yeah, I kind of see the theory, but in practice... Man.

There isn't...

You haven't started trying sofas out, have you yet?

No.

Not really.

"Not really"?

What does that mean?

I haven't bought a new sofa.

It's still in the store.

What does that mean?

We should go.