All language subtitles for Sierra.Katow.Funt.2024.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Sierra Katow.

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

Thank you!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

All right. For me?

Stop it.

Me? Ooh.

No, stop. Oh.

All right. Yeah, That's enough.

Jesus Christ.

No. You guys are wonderful.
Thank you for coming out.

Fun fact about me,

I actually have a degree
in computer science.

Yeah. All right.

Pretty good.

And now I'm a comedian.

Mmm.

Right? What did I do?
What went wrong?

No. I think what happened

is when I was deciding
what I wanted to do with my life,

I wasn't sure if I wanted
to be another Asian

computer programmer.

And see,
that internalized racism,

that cost me
millions of dollars.

Okay? That's why
you shouldn't be racist, 'cause, whoo,

that shit's expensive. Yeah.

I enjoy being a comedian.

I do love it, you know.

Clearly, I'm not in it
for the money, so...

I better have fun, or whatever.

And I started doing this
really young.

I started doing stand-up
when I was 16.

Which, yeah,

where were my parents
to stamp that out of me early?

Right?

To their credit,
they're very supportive.

They're actually here today.

Give it up for them, yeah.

Right there.

I remember when I told my mom
for the first time

that I wanted to do stand-up,
she was like,

"Oh, yeah,

"me and your dad used to go see
live comedy all the time,

"back when we were dating."

Which...

Gross, right?

Like, I get that my parents
were human, or whatever,

before I was born,

but keep me out of it, okay?

Yeah, I just...
I want a respectful distance from my elders.

That's all I ask. Okay?

Because I had a friend,
growing up,

who was, like, so close
to his parents

that he called them
by their first names.

Yeah. You guys have
any friends like that? -

Hmm?

No one had
any white friends, no?

He was kind of weird,
this friend.

Like, I remember I went over
to his house

and he was yelling at his dad.

He was like, "Yo, Vincent,

"get me a Capri Sun!" Jesus...

Christ.

Vincent?

"That is your father, right?

"Show a little respect.

"What are you gonna do next?
Fuck his wife?

"That's your mother."

Gross.

Unless it's your step-mom.
In which case, "Hey."

Right? We've all seen that one.

You know what
I'm talking about?

Just fire up
the old incognito window.

That's all I ask, okay?

Yeah, that's gross.

You guys brought it up.
Don't fucking look at me.

I'm trying to make this
a family show, okay?

My parents are here. My God.

And, hey, step-mom content.

That's about as family
as it gets.

You know what
I'm saying? Yeah? -

Let's keep it
in the family content. Yup.

Hell, yeah. Fuck, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, my parents
are very supportive of this career.

Suckers. You know.

Fumbled a great retirement plan.

And here I am still doing it
over a decade later.

Uh...

Which... Yeah.

Pretty strange.

I think starting something
that young, though,

you kind of do it
for the wrong reasons, you know?

Because I was 16,
I was kind of a weird, nerd kid.

So I thought...
I thought doing stand-up would make me,

like, less socially awkward.

It didn't work.

All right? Like, I just recently
ran into a friend on the street.

Unexpectedly.

That should
be illegal.

Like, you want me to make
spontaneous conversation? Kill me.

I did my best, you know?
I... I...

I asked this friend,
I was like, "Oh,

"how are you?" "Pretty good."

Thinking on my toes.

And he responded,

then he asked me back,
"How are you?" Which...

I know that one.

Well played, sir. Yeah.

So I responded.
And then I asked him back,

"How are you?"

Which is one too many, right?

We're only allowed one
per person. That's off by one.

My bad. See,
comedy didn't work. Okay?

Still fucking awkward, and...

I should have picked
another profession.

And I had other options, right?

Even before comedy,
even before computers,

I'm sure you guys
can tell this about me.

I was supposed to be
a professional basketball player.

Yeah. Thank you.

Yeah. I don't know why
you're laughing, but okay.

Yeah, thank you.

You know, I...
I played for eight years, growing up.

Mmm-hmm. I started at 2-10.
That's a height.

Not a time. Okay?

I get it. I didn't have,
like, the height or the wingspan

to be a successful
basketball player.

But, you know, I'm glad I played

because I learned
a really valuable lesson

that I could use
for a future in entertainment.

Which is this, you know?
It doesn't matter.

You work really hard,
you practice every day,

and your dreams
will still be crushed. Okay?

So...

Yeah. Good.

It's good to know early.
I say, "Teach it in the womb." Okay?

But I didn't have
the basketball bod, all right?

You know what?
This body walks into a room,

everybody immediately looks,

they go, "That's...
That's a comedian."

"That's a comedy bod
right there."

Yeah, my body
is always coming up with funny material.

Like I discovered this
about myself recently,

in the nighttime.

I discovered I can actually wear
an eye mask,

you know, one of those
sleeping masks,

as a bra. Ooh.

That's a good one, body. Right?

Twisty punch line.
The whole thing.

You know, I'm a grown woman,
but I'm still stuck

in the training-bra phase
of life.

You know what
the training-bra phase is?

That's sort of when
you're going through puberty.

Right?

And developing breasts
or whatever people do.

What do you...

What do you call it?

Breasts?

And you wear a training bra.

You know, a training bra.
That's sort of a smaller bra.

It's more of a formality.

Right.

It's supposed to train you
to one day graduate to a big-girl bra.

Yeah?

I see some graduates
here tonight. -

Congratulations.

Mazel tov.

But look, I guess
I didn't train hard enough.

Or I trained too damn hard,
because clearly, my boobs died

in some training accident.
They never...

made it home.
What happened?

You know, I've...
I've just always been a little smaller, you know.

And small... I didn't know
I was small, right?

Because I come
from a small people.

Yeah. My family,
a bunch of little tinies.

A bunch of little
pip-squeak losers. Just kick them around.

Yeah. Look at 'em over there.
Tiny little...

Like, I'm 5'1",

but compared to some
of my family members, ooh,

I'm kind of massive.

Like, I go back to Christmas
just like Godzilla.

Like, elbowing uncles
on the top of the head.

Like, giving a noogie
to Grandma. And...

I know she likes it.
I wouldn't do that

if she didn't specifically
request. Okay?

She's kinky like that. And...

I respect my elders,
so I do as told.

Yeah, I think when I tell
normal-sized people,

that I have family
who's smaller than me,

they look at me
like I just told them

their dog has its own dog.

"Oh, my God." They're like,
"I didn't know they bred them that small.

"Is that safe?"

"What if I step
on it?"

Which, if you're gonna step
on one of us, step on Grandma.

You know, she's...

She's kinky like that,
you know?

No, I joke, right?

When I'm talking
about my grandma,

I'm not talking
about my grandma.

You guys know this.

I'm just joking
about the dead one.

You know, there's...

I have two grandmas.
One passed away a while ago.

So she's easier to joke about
because I don't see her, right?

She died before I was born.
Quick bitch. So, who knows?

Who knows what she was like?

You know, maybe
she was kind of kinky. That's...

That would explain a lot.

You know what I'm saying?

No. My... That's my...
That's my dad's mom.

Okay, sorry, Dad.

We'll talk about it later.
We'll be fine.

But...

There were... I'm not
gonna look over there

anytime soon. Okay.

Yikes. We'll be fine. Okay.

But, hey, maybe that's why
I got into comedy, you know?

Because the extra height
from the stage, you know what I mean?

Right? Hell yeah.

Is she 5 feet? Is she 15?
We don't know.

We can't tell.

I also like having a microphone.

Because I have a little bit
of a quieter voice, naturally.

Which you can't tell
because I have a microphone.

And I know this,

people are always telling me
to speak up.

"Can you speak up?
Can you be a little louder?"

Which, well, I don't like.

Like, telling me to speak up,

pretty racist.

It's kind of racist, yeah?

I'm not gonna explain why, okay?

Those who get it, get it.

-Yeah!
- Yeah?

Those who don't...

Good luck out there.

People are always
telling me tips,

like, "Use your diaphragm
to be a little louder.

"Use your diaphragm,"
which... That's...

Diaphragm, it's like a membrane

underneath your lungs.
That's what that is.

It's supposed
to help you project.

Which would be great advice

if it weren't something
inside of my body

I can't control.

Are you kidding me?
My diaphragm?

Like, you know, everybody knows

that your insides
do their insides things, right?

So that our outsides,
we may do our outsides things.

And never the twain shall meet.
That's just...

...science.

Are you kidding me?

Use my diaphragm?

What do you want me to do next
while I'm in there?

You want me to poke
my gallbladder?

Do you want me
to squeeze my uterus?

I mean, I can
kind of squeeze my uterus, you know I'm talking about?

We can do that.

We can do that, right?
Those are...

Those are called
Kegel exercises.

You gotta do them every day,
okay? Yeah.

Right? Because you can't skip
vag day.

You can't do it.

Don't do it.
I've been doing them

the whole time
I've been up here.

You guys didn't even know, huh?

because listen,
I've got a tight schedule,

but I need an even tighter...

vagina, okay?
Don't get ahead of the joke.

I wasn't too worried
about my softer voice

until a friend told me,
he was like,

"Ugh, you know,
being that quiet,

"it makes you seem
like a pushover."

Which, I mean, he can say
whatever he wants about me.

What am I gonna do?

I can't yell at him.

But that gave me
the kick in the butt

to, like, make a change,
you know, fix this voice thing.

So I did what we all do
when we want to make,

like, a drastic transformation
in our lives.

I watched a YouTube tutorial.

I found this video, it was like,

you know, "How to be louder,"

and had this sweet man
giving instructions.

He also had a quieter voice,

so, you know, "Gang gang."

He had a bit
of a receding hairline,

but, you know,
this is a voice tutorial,

not a hair tutorial...

...so we can cool it
on the judgment, everybody. Jesus.

One of his first tips
was that if you want

to be louder immediately,
you can use twang.

And twang,
it's like this thing where,

I guess, you pipe your voice
through your nose a little bit.

You get a little more friction.

And that makes you louder.

So I might give a demonstration
for you tonight, if that's okay.

Quickly. Okay.

All right. You know...

You know...

So this is my voice
without twang, you know, a little softer.

Right?

And then this is my voice

with twang. It's kind of like...

Pretty good, huh?

And that's just
after one video.

So imagine what it'll sound like

after that guy gets hair plugs.

Pretty loud.

I think another childish reason
I started to do comedy

was that I thought it would
make people like me more.

Which is... It's a very
kind of icky, insecure thing to say,

but I did, you know?

And I was young, I didn't know
at the time that, like,

you can't control
what people like,

you drive yourself crazy, right?

And now I'm older,
and I feel like the cooler thing to say would be like,

"Oh, now, I give zero fucks,"
you know?

"Now I tell..." You know?

But no, that's not me either.

I give like 35, 36 fucks...

...on a good day, so...

Yeah. Plus, stand-up,
it's kind of a desperate,

insecure thing to do, you know?

All I do,
I come out here, I'm like,

"And then what about this joke?
Do you like me?"

"And then, remember,
I did the thing with the nose,

then do you like me now?"

You know, it's so disgusting.

On top of that, sometimes,
you know, we do stand-up,

we put our videos online,
some of those videos go viral.

And then you not only learn
how much people like you,

but also how much
people hate you...

and want you to kill yourself
with a blunt object.

Even on the weekends.

Fun fact about me,
I like to read all of the comments.

Yeah.

And by "Read," I mean
I scroll past all the nicies,

I get right to the meanies.

Yeah, because the mean comments,

those are the ones that count,
you know that, yeah?

Mean comments,
those are the real ones, right?

Because it's kind of like
how somebody compliments you.

They're lying.

They're lying
to your face, right?

But if they insult you
behind your back,

that's the God's honest truth.

That's the purest form
of expression right there.

So I'll just list off
some of my favorite

mean comments, okay?

We've got the classics, okay?

The first one,
"I watched the whole video,

"where were the jokes?"

Which, hey...

Look, he's a man, he's lost.

I respect a man
who asks for directions.

Number two,

"Just more proof
women aren't funny."

Yeah.

Sorry, ladies.

I set us back.

And then three,
my personal favorite,

"Don't quit your day job
at the massage parlor."

Massage parlor.

It's sort of a sexist,
racist reference, right,

to women who work
at massage parlors,

Asian women.

They also maybe offer
sexual services like hand jobs.

It's sex work, you know?
It's a way to pay the bills.

But this guy thought
he was jabbing at me

by being like,
"You should be doing that job

"instead of the job
you want to be doing."

But, uh,
you know, joke's on him,

right, because one of my exes

once described my hand jobs

as "Kind of
on the painful side," so...

I couldn't even get a job
at a massage parlor

even if I wanted to, sir.

Okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

Checkmate.

No, but I'm not gonna lie.

Some of those
mean comments, they got to me.

All right? I have thin skin.

Okay? I was raised by loving,
caring parents, so...

We all know that makes you
into a bit of a beta cuck.

You know, I kind of started
to give up on comedy.

You know, I would...

I just felt
like I wasn't good at it.

Why bother, you know?

And I would still perform,
I would still do it,

but I just...
My heart wasn't in it anymore.

Kind of like the way
I give hand jobs.

But don't worry.
I started to focus on new goals.

You know, new goals.

Things I felt like I could
actually accomplish, right?

Like, for instance, this is new
for me to say out loud,

but it's actually one
of my lifelong goals now, um...

to never be murdered.

Never...

Yeah. Thank you.

Wow. Get that off my chest.

Yeah.

I know, very ambitious of me.

I put it on my vision board
and everything.

Not even once,
but I've taken steps to get there.

Like, I got pepper spray.

Yeah.

Baby's first pepper spray.
Hell, yeah.

I got that guy in my purse,

so if anyone's thinking
of attacking me

after the show...

...game on, buddy.

I actually ordered it online,
the pepper spray.

It came in the mail.

It's kind of in a hard,
plastic casing.

I couldn't... you know,
I was trying to get it open, but I'm pretty weak,

which is why
I need the pepper spray. Um...

I try to get in there...

So, it's it's in my bag,

but it's still stuck
in the plastic.

I'm just hoping a guy
pulls a knife on me soon,

so he can help me
fucking open that thing.

Damn it, I'll spray him
in the eyes as a thank you.

Another self-defense tip,
they say,

is like, say you're walking
alone at night,

you know, and your pepper spray
is still stuck in the plastic,

you can actually use
your car keys or house keys

and put them
in between your fingers.

Kind of like this.

And then you're Wolverine
and you can't die.

Yeah, you just heal.

It's crazy.
You're in a ton of movies.

Jacked his fuck. Uh...

No, that's sort of a weapon,
right, when you put it there.

Or actually, you hold it
like a knife, that's better.

And then, you know,
if an aggressor

or a murderer
is coming at you, right,

you take that...

You take that
and then you stab him in the throat!

You get him
right in the soft spot!

Yeah.

Or her. Or her, you know?

Right? Because I'm a feminist.

Okay?

And look,
I believe in equal pay, but also equal stabbing.

#closethestabgap

We have that power.
All right, no.

I mean, you know,
you have that weapon,

and then you stab him
or her in the throat,

get him there...

And also, what is gender, right?

Really, because
statistically, yes,

my attacker
is gonna be a cis-man.

but why is that, huh?

Is it because, you know,
we condition men

to only express their emotion
through anger, violence?

When he's trying to hurt me,

is it because he's the one
who's hurt?

On the inside.

So anyway,
you stab him in the throat,

you get him
right in the jugular,

you let him bleed out,

and then who's
the murderer now? Hoo-hoo. -

Ooh, yeah. The woman. Oh!

A little subversion.

The student becomes the teacher,
as they say.

Yes.

I talk about self-defense a lot.

I think about it too much,
I think.

It's because, you know, look,
do other women feel this way?

I feel like I was raised,
as a girl,

to just be like a prey animal,
you know?

Just like a field rabbit
out there,

just with ears and eyes
looking out for rapists.

Where's the rapists?

I'm sorry.
I looked right at my dad when I said that.

I'm sorry.

We'll talk about it later.
We'll talk about it later.

Where's the rapist?
You know, it's just... It's instinct.

Honestly, it's because
I had a very cautious mom,

growing up, you know?

Even for tonight's show,
she was a little bit like, "Okay, are you sure

"it's a comedy show taping?"

"It's... It's not a trap..."

"...set by child molesters?"

My mom also will do that thing

where she likes
to pre-traumatize me

in order to scare me away
from real trauma, right?

Like, get this, she'll just...

message me details
about local murders.

Just two keep me on my toes,
you know?

She texted me, "Hey, Sierra,

"there was a girl nearby.

"About your age."

"Kind of looked like you."

"She was dragged out
into the woods,

"raped, murdered, beheaded,
the whole shebang.

"Police never found a trace.

"So be careful out there."

I look at that, I go,
"Whoa,

"police never found a trace,
then, Mom, how do you know?

"Did you kill
this bitch? Jesus."

Oh, my God.

My dad had a slightly
different technique.

I remember,
when I was a kid, you know, I was getting ready for bed,

and in my childhood bedroom,
my bed was right by the window.

My first mistake.

Because little did I know,
my dad had exited the house,

scurried around the perimeter,

and then popped his head
right by my bed!

And you know
how there's fight or flight,

two really good
survival instincts

we should all partake in.

Well, I chose option C,
and I just froze.

And he looked at that
and said, "See,

"you would have been dead."

And then poof, he disappeared.

I never saw him again.

He stuck around
and raised me, but, hey... -

...I'm lucky to be alive, right?

We don't thank
our fathers enough

for not just murdering us
in our sleep, I think.

I know my parents
do these weird things because they...

They worry, you know?

And look, I get it,
I'm their only daughter

who's not my bitch
of a sister, so...

Yikes. The stakes are high.

I'm kidding. My sister's
here, too. Shout out to her.

We'll talk about it later.

I love my sister. Uh...

I hope this is okay
for me to stay here.

She has actually
some exciting news.

Uh, my sister is trying
to get pregnant.

Bit of a slut.

Slutty thing to do. Uh...

No, I'm kidding.
Her and her long-term husband

are having
unprotected sex, so... -

TMI. Uh...

No, I'm excited for them,

and I'm excited to be an aunt
for the first time.

Yeah, I know.

I'm gonna be a fun aunt,
or a funt. That's...

Funty Sierra, Dirty Little Funt,

whatever the kid
wants to call me. -

Whatever sticks.

But I think when people hear,
you know, my sister is married,

she's apparently having
more productive sex than me...

...they think
that I might feel a little inferior.

No, I'm...

I don't feel in competition
with my sister. I...

She won that
a long time ago. Uh...

If anything,
I feel in competition with...

her unborn baby, right?

Yeah.

Listen, I've been the baby
of the family, right?

Undefeated champ.

Now a real baby
is gonna come in and take my spot? Mmm.

Don't think so.

I'm gonna have to fight
this baby.

Okay? I don't want
to have to do it.

But as the prophecy foretells,

neither can live
while the other survives.

That's a Harry Potter
Voldemort reference.

Some of you laughed.

Those are
the J. K. Rowling apologists.

Get them out of the building.

I should come clean.
That baby's been born. That baby...

That's an old joke. So...

I know. That baby's, like,

32. I don't know
what the fuck...

Why am I still saying that joke?

It's a funny joke, right?

What am I gonna do?
Write a new one? Are you kidding me?

One thing they do say is,
if your sibling has a kid,

you're more likely
to have a kid.

Challenge accepted, right?

Let's see that happen.

I don't know.
I get it. I get it, right.

Because I love
my nephew so much.

He's so cute.
And I'm his little funty.

So cute, right?

I love him...

And my favorite thing about him
is that he's not mine. Right?

He's not mine.
We've have fun tonight. Okay, enough.

No-take-back-ies.

Ew.

And things remind me more
of having kids, though.

Like, I was just driving
on the freeway,

I saw this billboard,

and it had a little cute,
little baby handprint on it.

And it said, "Fingerprints
at nine weeks."

So I guess it was
an anti-abortion billboard

that was basically saying,
like, at nine weeks,

the embryo developed something
resembling fingerprints.

So maybe think about it.

Right? I was like, "Oh, shit."

So if I were to get pregnant,

and then the embryo
had fingerprints

unique to that embryo,

and then that embryo
commits a crime,

that crime can get traced
back to me.

Oh, fuck, no!
I better abort the shit out of the embryo!

Kidding me? Right?

I was on the fence before,
but then I saw that billboard,

I was like,
"Jesus Christ, yeah.

"Scrape this criminal clump
of cells out of me."

Ugh!

No give-back-sies.

So, yeah, and I'm at
a stage in my life

where, you know, I don't see

a lot of failed abortions
running around.

Or kids. Sorry.
Kids running around. Jesus, what do you call them?

I don't see
a lot of kids, sorry,

running around.

I don't have a lot of friends
who have kids, right?

I'm a childless adult
living in a city.

So, you know, I see kids on TV.

Which, kids on TV,
they're not like kids in real life.

They don't tell you this.

Kids on TV, they're like, 25.

Pretty hot.

Kids in real life, young.

Ugly as fuck.

I live very close
to a middle school, though,

which, I realize, if I peek
outside my window

at just the right time...

Sorry, that's creepy.
At just the wrong time...

Sorry.

I see kids walking home
from school, you know?

And it's beautiful, you know,
it's nice to see,

like, the youth
still thriving out there.

Yeah, because I mean, for me,

spotting a kid
in the wild today,

it's like spotting a classic car
still on the road.

You know? "Wow.

"I didn't know people
were still making those."

Didn't we agree
they're kind of bad for the environment?

I guess it's fine.

But clearly, I don't know
if I want kids.

You know, could still happen.

I recently got engaged.

Yeah.

Thank you.

To the love of my life.

You know, we met really young.

We met when I was 19,

and he was 47, and...

No, he was 12.
He went to the middle school, so it was really convenient.

No. No, he was a year older.

We met my second year
of college,

and then we've been together
ever since, so yeah.

Thank you. Yeah.

And, hey, that was eight years
before we got engaged.

So, yeah. I mean,
I think being together that long,

I wanted the engagement

to feel less
like a traditional betrothal

and more like an ultimatum.

You know.

But hey, gun to his head,

he fucking committed.
You know what I mean? Aww.

If that's not true love,
I don't want it.

I'm super lucky. I feel lucky.

Any other long-termers out here?

Long-term relationship folks.

All right, all right.

Okay. My parents didn't cheer.

Wow. Um...

Because of my situation,
I haven't really dated in my adult life.

I know
that's a little controversial

when I tell single friends
who have been single for a while.

It's kind of like telling
a war veteran

that you dodged the draft.

You're like, "Oh, my God,
I'm sorry."

Bone spurs.

And my single friends,
they always want to tell me

their horror stories
of dating. Phew.

Right. They're like...
"You do not know

"what I've been through."

Which...

All my single friends smoke,
I guess, that's why they sound like that.

But...

They're like,
"Back in '22..."

Jesus.

"Back in '22, we lost
my best friend, Lisa,

"to a flotilla of fuckboys."

These fuckboys,
they're coming by land and by sea.

They'll be like,
"Back in 'Nam..."

Which 'Nam? That's just
a Vietnamese restaurant

they go on dates to.
I don't know.

What do they call it?
It's just pho, okay?

"Back in 'Nam,

"a date offered to pay,

"and then he Venmo requested me
on the way home."

It's my fault.

Yeah. So, hey, to all
my single folks out there,

thank you for your service.
Really. Yeah. -

Because of you,
we are free, right?

No.

But the last time I dated,
I was in college, you know?

So that mindset
is still tied to that time.

So, if anyone hits on me now,

I'm like, "God, pedophile."

"I'm 16."

Which then I realized,
"Fuck, I'm a grown woman.

"Actually, you have great taste
and you're not a pedophile.

"But ta-ta, I am betrothed
to another," you know?

I haven't been single
in a while. I don't know how to talk.

Speaking of getting hit on,
though, I was recently

hit on by a teen.

Still got it. Okay.

All right.
Who's the pedophile now?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, I said "no," of course.

And look, I knew he was a teen

because he had the acne
for the job.

He was wearing a sweatshirt
that said "Class of 2088"

or whatever godforsaken year

they're graduating in.

And he thought
I was a fellow teen

because, you know, I can look
a little younger than I am.

Especially if I'm not
wearing makeup.

And if I'm wearing
a backpack...

...with school supplies in it.

A little protractor
sticking out,

you know, it tends
to age me down.

I'm also a longtime subscriber
to "Asian don't raisin."

You guys... Yeah.

I didn't make that up.

Okay, right. Asian don't raisin.
That's sort of a...

It's a rhyme. It just means
Asians age well.

It's similar
to "Black don't crack"

or "Brown don't frown."

Yeah, you know, I don't know
why we keep

all these weirdly racist
rhymes around.

It's just, you know, it's a lot.
It's a lot of words.

Just... Kind of just say,

"White people don't age
so well." You know?

I don't know why we're tiptoeing
around that one, right?

Woo. You know?

And hey, look, it's beautiful
to age.

It's not... It's totally fine
to age, I think.

It means you lived your life.
You know, nothing wrong with that.

But I'm just saying
for, like, efficiency sake,

you know, if we could just do
one rhyme, cut to the chase.

We're not getting any younger.
Especially not white people, so...

I said it again.

But what about
"Caucasians do raisin." That's...

That's right there.
Ready to go.

"White guys better moisturize."
That one...

Right. It's gendered,
but it has instructions baked in, so...

I'd love to lotion,
throw in some sunscreen.

Get a little crazy.

And it's not all
it's cracked up to be to look young

or, you know...
I think sometimes

I feel young
and unaccomplished for my age.

Yeah.

Like, I did this recently.
Don't do this.

I compared
where I'm at in my life

to my parents at my age.

Yeah.

Get this, by my age, 28,

my dad already had
a full-grown mustache.

Just a full mouth bush.

I'm still over here
penciling my eyebrows.

Like a fucking dunce.

Probably the most mature thing
that I've done

so far,

is buy a duvet cover. That's...

Yeah. Hey. You know, yeah.

I made a little money last year.

Decided to splurge, and...

You know, what they don't say
is basically,

a duvet cover, fancy name,

but it's basically just a condom
for your comforter,

are you kidding me?

Right? Practice
safe sleep, kids. It's very simple.

But what they don't tell you
about the duvet cover tax bracket,

is I woke up
after just one sleep

and all the meat of the duvet

was just pushed
to the back corner... -

...of the cover.
Are you kidding me?

Right? Just all of it
to the back.

And I had to spend
my precious unemployed hours

just fucking kneading
that thing back to factory.

Just smoothing that out
with a rolling pin.

Holding the corners
like a shivering Chihuahua.

Degrading.

You know? Biggie was right.

"More money, more problems."

Yeah.

So...

You bet the next day
I went back to raw-dogging it.

You know, I just...

I remember
where I came from. And...

I also bought myself a couch.

Yeah.

Off of Craigslist,
because I like a little danger.

And...

Yeah, I was proud
of this sale, you know,

because, look, I negotiated
to get the seller

to come deliver the couch
for me for free.

So not only did I get
a pretty decent couch

for a good price,

I also got a stranger
to know where I live...

...and know I'm too weak
to carry a couch,

let alone defend myself. So...

So I hope he helps me open
my pepper spray

so I can...

Comparison is tough, okay?

I had a tough time
with it recently

because, as a comedian,
sometimes you get hired

to perform for universities,
for the students,

and I recently went
to the UCLA Medical School

and performed
for the students there.

Yeah.

It was for the Asian
American Student Association there.

So, you know,
most of the medical school, right?

We're doing okay.
We're doing all right.

Don't worry about us.

And when I got there, you know,
a lot of the students were younger than me,

and they were about to graduate,
become doctors.

And I told them, I was like,
"You guys should be so proud. You've made it."

Right, and they kind of
turned it on me.

They were like,
"Well, Sierra as a comedian, when will you know

"you've made it?"

So, yeah, I was like, "Okay,

"well, comedy,
it's not as simple as medicine,

"okay?"

You're there, what, four years?
They don't teach you that? Okay. Okay.

Waste of money.

I said, "Look,
if I had to choose something

"as a comic,
to know that I've made it,

"it would be
when I marry a doctor."

So if all the single students could come to the front,

right, I think I have a lump
in my breast.

I think...

Fondle my breast. Uh...

That's how you snag 'em.
You know?

That's how I met
my fiance. So...

I met him in a much more
traditional way, drunk on a bus.

But he did give me a breast exam later,

so there's parallels.

Comparison was another reason

why I think I started
to give up on stand-up

because, you know,
it was very easy

for me to compare myself
to other comedians

and be like, "That one's
way more successful than me,

"funnier. How am I ever
gonna catch up? What's the point?"

And it's super easy to do,
because stand-up,

it's like a solo sport,
you know, unlike basketball. So...

Right, and other comedians
are competitive, too.

Like, I had this one comedian
come up to me,

say this, white guy...

Well, I don't want
to name names,

but his name was James. And...

And he said this to me,
he was like,

"Sierra, there's a lot more
Asian comedians now.

"So do you feel like maybe
there's not enough room for you?"

Yeah, and that
got me thinking, I was like, "Wow,

"you're a white guy
named James in comedy."

There were literally
three of you

hosting their own
late night talk shows. Like... -

I think there's a little
wiggle room for more Asians.

Get in there.

But that's what
it feels like sometimes,

like we feel
like we have to compete

and that there's not
enough room, no matter who you are, right?

And that sucks
because it's not true.

I feel like I need even more
just general abundance mentality.

You know, it's hard,
though. It's hard. -

It's hard.

But just take like my case,
for example, okay?

The more Asian comedians,
the better.

Because if Ali Wong
or Ronny Chieng or Margaret Cho,

whoever, get their next sitcom,
their next movie, right?

Who's gonna play
the young concubine?

Or massive cousin, you know.

Heck, I'll even play
the stereotypical IT guy,

because remember,
computer science, I'll do that shit method.

And, yeah.

I do act, okay?

No, no.

Yeah.

I know.

One of the first scenes
I ever did for TV

was an implied nudity scene.

You guys know what that is?
Implied nudity,

it's when they film you
from the neck up

and they imply whoo-hoo.

That you're nude.

You know, leave it up
to the imagination. Mmm.

Kind of like leaving
your clothes on. Whoa.

Kinky.

And they also asked me,
if I was comfortable,

they could film my full rear.

You know,
that means my cheeks, okay?

Little industry talk for you.

Don't spend it all in one place.

But yeah, you know,
and I was a little hesitant.

It's a lot of exposure.

So, you know,
they let me think about it.

I went home
and thought about it,

and I got to thinking,

about the importance
of representation.

And you know,
normally when we're talking

representation in media,

we're talking
racial representation,

queer representation.

But what about
flat ass representation.

Where are those stories?

Where's that America?

Yeah?

And look, you know,
I'm not body shaming myself.

I'm a petite person. I've got
the butt to boot.

But you know,
and there are plenty of skinny people on TV,

but I'm talking about
an ass so flat...

That you know,
sometimes if I go... I go to a restaurant,

I'm gonna go
to a sit-down dinner,

sometimes I call
the restaurant ahead.

I call them, I go,
"Hey, What kind of chairs do you guys have?"

Do you have hardwood chairs?

Do you maybe have
a pillow in the back

I can borrow to sit on?

'Cause I don't have
a pillow in the back...

...to sit on.

That kind of ass, okay?

Is it the kind of ass where,
one time,

I was at a party,
I was bending over to grab my coat

to leave, you know?

And a guy tried to grab it.

Tried to grab my ass.

"Try" being
the operative word here.

It's kind of... It's hard.

It's hard to grab my ass,
okay? It's almost un-grabable

some would say.

It's kind of like trying
to pick up the floor.

You're just like...

"What is going on?"

And, you know,
maybe consent would help.

You know what I mean?
Like, if he had asked me

and I was into it, then maybe,
yeah, I could stand up

and kind of scooch
to one side a little bit.

Give him a little something.

So, yeah.

It's a very
consent-friendly ass.

That kind of ass, okay?

I went to work saying,
"That kind of ass!"

I was ready. I was ready.

I was ready to act
my little tush off.

I got there that day...

I got there, I was like,
"Yeah." I showed 'em what I was working with.

Right. They took a look,
they're like, "Yeah.

"Okay, we're just gonna stick
to implied nudity."

"Let's leave that booty
up to the imagination.

"It tends to be
a little bigger in there, so..."

You know, it's okay,
we'll get 'em next time.

We'll get 'em next time.

I'm doing my squats, right?

I might get an implant.
Just one.

Just on the left cheek.

We went a little before
and after on the same body.

That's where the discounts
are at.

No, I joke about representation,

but it is really
important, right?

Like, within the Asian
American community,

there's still a lot of work
that has to be done

to make sure
more Asian stories are told.

Yeah.

You can cheer for that.

But I choose to look
on the bright side, okay?

Because sure, Asian women,

we're still
pretty underrepresented

when it comes to TV
and movies and stuff,

but at least
we are overrepresented where it counts.

Porn.

You know?

Hey, and say what you will
about porn, okay,

but the diversity is...
Yeah?

Way ahead of the curve, right?

And that meant a lot to me
as a young girl, you know...

...browsing the old incognito window.

To see myself
reflected in such classics...

...as, uh, Tiny Asian Woman
Gets Dicked Down By Seven Dudes.

Beautiful. Oh.

I get emotional
even thinking about it.

Um...

Yeah. So I thank
those porn stars

who paved the way, right?
Without them,

hey, this little girl
would have never been proud

to bare her skinny ass on TV.
So, yeah.

It's important.

Respect your elders.

And role models are important,
to know what's possible.

But nobody talks about...

It's actually more important
to have the opposite of role models.

Below models.

Yeah.

You know, people
you can look at and be like, "Hmm."

"Thank God
I'm not that bitch. Okay."

"Yikes."

Take Instagram, for example.

I'm always scrolling
on that thing,

just seeing people accomplishing
more than me that day, right?

Like, "Oh, that guy
got a great car."

"She's got a good ass.
Huh.

"That guy got out of bed."

That's why I only follow dogs.

Because they're cute,
but most importantly,

they don't make you feel
like shit.

Because they just got finished
eating their own shit.

They don't know the difference.

Like, sure, I haven't
accomplished much,

but at least
I don't stick my nose

in someone's crotch
the minute I meet them.

I wait a day like a gentleman.

You know, the problem, though,
is that some of these dogs

are starting to have
better lives than me. Okay?

Right? Like,
I follow this one dog, a Shiba Inu, you know,

lives in Tokyo, Japan.

Likely story.

And...

Yeah, I mean, beautiful dog.

The body on this dog...

Probably had some work done.
You know what I mean?

Double implant. Uh...

But on this dog's Instagram,
all the comments

and captions are in Japanese,

so I don't really know
what's going on,

but I'm just scrolling
on this dog's profile at, like, 3:00 a.m.

Prime time to hate yourself.

You know, I was so moved.

I wrote,
"This dog is career goals."

And I sent that.

Went to bed, woke up
the next morning,

and the dog had responded.

He just wrote, "Thank you."

In perfect English, so...

So I guess this dog's
also fucking bilingual, too.

Why the...

How else does he want me
to feel like shit, you know?

Unfollow. That's...

Protect your energy.

But no, I caved. I looked back

on that dog's Instagram
recently.

I saw the dog died.

Aw.

Aw, I know.
They don't live that long.

Right? So...

I guess I won, in the end.

You know what I mean?

Feels good.

Hey, feels good to be alive.

But don't worry, I'm in therapy.

I said I'm in therapy.

Normally there's applause.
Okay. Wow.

Oh, too late, okay?

Guess I'll talk about it
in therapy.

No, I think
the minute I learned

I was dunking on a dead dog,

I was like, "Okay,
I should talk to somebody."

And...

Therapy, it's something
I've been meaning to do for so long, you know?

I just was dragging my feet,

waiting for it to become trendy,

and then it did.

So I hopped on that bandwagon
and it's great.

One of the things
I'm working on in therapy

is that negative self-talk.

Do you guys get that?

Some sad nods. Yeah.

And it's tough.

Like, let me tell you,
my negative voice in my head, phew,

she employs twang, right?

She's loud as fuck,
watching tons of tutorials, that girl.

And she's catchy.
Like, she'll pop in.

I'm just washing
the dishes or something,

she'll pop in, she'll be like,
"Hey, Sierra." I'm like, "Yeah, me? What?"

"Hey, why don't you stop
being such a little cunt?" Like, Jesus.

The C word, you know? Sheesh.

I never use the C word, really.

It's just like...
It's so harsh, right?

I never... Except in that joke
that I tell all the time to everybody...

...but never... C word?

And so specific. Like,

"Stop being such
a little cunt." Like...

I don't...
I don't think I'm being much of a little cunt.

But I don't know,
maybe that's what a little cunt would say. You know?

Ugh, so...
See? Pretty catchy. And...

My therapist also says
I'm depressed like everybody.

So...

Yeah. Which is kind of weird,
right?

Coming from my therapist.

I don't pay her for that.

I pay her to maybe to try out
some jokes, you know?

Get some laughs, bring 'em here.

But diagnoses, what?

There were signs.
I should have known

maybe that I was depressed.

Like, before my therapist knew,
before I knew,

my credit card company knew.

They sent me
this helpful mailer.

It was like a subscription
services type thing,

like which ones
are being charged to your credit card.

Wi-Fi, Amazon, just to make sure

there were no free trials
gone wild, right?

I looked at that list,
I was like, "Wait a second,

"what's Mochinut doing there?"

Do you guys know what that is?

It's a brand of doughnut.

Okay? For those
who don't know... buckle up.

Mochinut, okay?

She's not like
your other doughnuts.

Right? She's made
of rice dough, like mochi.

And then deep-fried
like a doughnut.

Get you a pastry
who can do both.

Right?

She's a donut in the streets,
medication in the sheets.

Because I was eating these
in bed to numb the pain.

And see,
I ordered these doughnuts

at such a high frequency,

at such a regular cadence

that my credit card company

thought I was subscribed
to doughnuts.

Another sign I was depressed

was that I exclusively started
to wear soft shirts.

Because I would wake up
in the morning

and feel like shit,
I'd go to the closet,

be like, "Okay, you know,
ugh, what shirt?

"Mm. That one's
too hard. Ugh.

"That one's kind of crispy.
Ugh, that's crunchy.

"That one has a zipper.
Are you trying to fucking kill me? Jesus."

And then, ooh,
I find a nice softy, slip into that bad boy.

And then go right back to bed.

You know, you can't do that
in a denim jacket. You can't.

You've got to be ready
in your soft, stretchy tee to go to bed

at any moment.

Don't even get me started
on soft pants.

We'll be here all night, baby.

But my therapist
also recommended

I should get on antidepressants.

Which, you know, I've heard
great things about,

and I have tons of friends
who are on them,

and they say they do wonders,
so I'm trying to get on them.

It's just, you know,
there's a few steps, right?

Like, I have to find
a psychiatrist to prescribe

because my therapist can't.

I have to make sure
my psychiatrist

has a network
of my health insurance.

I've got to make an appointment,
convince them that, yes, I do need this medication.

It's kind of a lot, all right?

I'm depressed, okay?

Like, I can't even zip up
a hard shirt.

Do you think
I can make small talk with the receptionist?

Like, "Oh, yeah,
April 19th, maybe.

"It's been,
you know, crazy weather."

But I feel
like I need antidepressants

to get on antidepressants.

Is that crazy?
I feel like I ordered a box cutter off of Amazon.

And I can't get the thing,
to get the thing inside the thing

to get the thing open.

Right. That's a perfect metaphor
that I came up with while depressed.

So if you didn't laugh, you're too happy with your life.

I luckily have a bit
of a secret sauce when it comes to depression,

because on top
of my depression,

I have the tiniest,
healthiest touch

of narcissism.

Because, like a lot of people,

I suffer from
suicidal thoughts, ideations,

but when I'm at my lowest point,

you know, and I'm thinking,
"It would just be easier to end things,"

there's at least
a small part of me that's like,

"Hmm,

"but that would just be
a huge loss for everybody."

"Right? I'm just a delight."

And...

You know...

Hey, maybe that's what
I just need more of in general,

not necessarily narcissism,

but just more confidence
to, like, do this, to do comedy, right?

Because--

Because I started this
for really childish reasons.

But I also gave up
for childish reasons.

You know, because
there's always going to be

mean comments or comparisons

to people
who are better and funnier and hotter dogs, and...

But look,
I just need to sack up

and stop being a little cunt.

Right? And get back in the game.

So I just want
to leave you guys on one story

that I come back to
every time I think about giving up on this,

and it's a great story.

It's actually the story
of the first

and hopefully not last time

I was ever punched
in the stomach.

And I was a kid.

I was playing
this very fun childhood game with a friend.

It's a common game.

I'm sure you guys
have played this one.

I'm not sure
if I can remember the name, but I'll just describe it.

You guys will know.

So basically it's the game
where she is the up-and-coming

rookie boxer
Jim The Jab Johnson. Right?

She's got a lot of raw talent,

but not a lot of structure
nor discipline,

and that's where I come in.

I'm Coach Jenkins. Yeah?

And look, I used to be
not unlike this up-and-coming

rookie rock star boxer
Jim the Jab.

But now I'm in my 60s,

cresting 70,

and I woke up one morning
and realized,

"What's my legacy?"

I don't have kids.
No grandkids.

Sure, I've got
that championship belt

above the mantel
that sometimes I spit-shine

when I get a little too sauced
on whiskey, neat.

You know what I'm talking about.

But those
are just metal, leather,

you know,
maybe my legacy is coaching

this young whippersnapper
over here.

Jim the Jab, right?

Even though he's got
a bit of an attitude.

First of all, naming yourself
after the most common boxing move, the jab,

come on. The nerve.

And, you know, let's be real,

he reminds me a little bit
too much of myself.

Yeah, and that just shows me
that even with my 70th birthday

on the horizon,

I'm still stuck
in the toughest boxing match of all.

That with my own ego.

You know that game.
What's it called?

We all play that one.
What's it called?

Boxing friends, boxing buddies?

Well, we'll remember.
It'll come to me in the shower.

Basically, and we were playing
that game, okay?

We're boxing, okay?

And we were using
a beanbag chair as a punching bag.

Beanbag chair,
you know, it's sort of like

if you hold it up
by the skin like that,

like all the, the meat
goes to one side,

kind of like
a duvet cover, um, right?

Or like my ass, right?

If you ask, if you ask.

You know, you hold that up,

and so all the meat's
at the bottom.

The skin is just up here.
So she punched through the skin,

right to my stomach.

Oh!

Yeah. That was some
of the worst pain I ever felt in my life.

I couldn't see,
I couldn't hear.

But through that pain,

through that nightmare,

I stayed in character.

Yeah. Yeah,
I was Coach Jenkins through and through, so...

That's how I knew,

hey, computer science,
basketball, massage parlor,

keep your millions.

I'm meant for the stage.

And I'm back
doing comedy, baby! -

That's my time.
Thank you so much.

Thank you.

You bet. You bet.

Thank you. Thank you.

* Turn it up
Turn it up *

* Turn it up a little louder *

* Now get low
Get low *

* Yeah, drop it to the floor *

* Turn it up
Turn it up *

* Turn it up a little louder *

* Now get low
Get low *

* Get low, get low *

* Yeah, drop it to the floor *

* Yeah, drop it to the floor *

* Turn it up
Turn it up *

* Turn it up
Turn it up *

* Turn it up a little louder *

* Up a little louder *

* Now get low
Get low *

* Now get low
Get low *

* Yeah, drop it to the floor *

* Yeah, drop it to the floor *