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1
00:00:03,169 --> 00:00:05,506
♪♪♪ (theme)
2
00:00:51,785 --> 00:00:53,520
Give me the medicine
bomb here.
3
00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:55,355
HAWKEYE: Gonna...
4
00:00:55,388 --> 00:00:57,591
Forget the suction.
Get me some, uh...
5
00:00:57,624 --> 00:00:59,092
‐50‐30?
‐Yeah.
6
00:01:06,767 --> 00:01:08,168
(chatter)
7
00:01:09,335 --> 00:01:11,572
Anybody know
what day this is?
8
00:01:11,605 --> 00:01:13,106
Thursday.
9
00:01:13,139 --> 00:01:14,708
We've been here
since Tuesday.
10
00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:16,543
Three hours' sleep
in three days.
11
00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:18,579
What's the difference?
It keeps us off the street.
12
00:01:18,612 --> 00:01:19,780
Gimme a clamp.
Come on.
13
00:01:19,813 --> 00:01:21,381
Quit beefing, will you?
14
00:01:21,414 --> 00:01:22,816
We've still got
a line of casualties
15
00:01:22,849 --> 00:01:24,718
stretching around the block.
Give me a sponge.
16
00:01:24,751 --> 00:01:26,620
Maybe we should get
an unlisted number, huh?
17
00:01:26,653 --> 00:01:28,254
HENRY: Clamp. Get a clamp.
18
00:01:28,288 --> 00:01:30,490
All right, okay. Unhook him
and get him outta here.
19
00:01:30,524 --> 00:01:32,158
Yes, Doctor.
20
00:01:32,192 --> 00:01:35,095
One more survivor, unless
they get him next time.
21
00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:38,364
What are these forms for?
22
00:01:38,398 --> 00:01:39,833
These are forms
to get the forms
23
00:01:39,866 --> 00:01:41,868
that enable us to order
more forms, sir.
24
00:01:41,902 --> 00:01:43,269
Right.
25
00:01:44,437 --> 00:01:45,639
(coughing)
26
00:01:45,672 --> 00:01:47,407
Here you go, Henry.
27
00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:52,846
Wait a minute, Henry.
You don't have to sign that.
28
00:01:52,879 --> 00:01:54,480
That's the phone number
29
00:01:54,515 --> 00:01:56,149
of the Dai‐Ichi Hotel
in Tokyo.
30
00:01:56,182 --> 00:01:57,450
Which is where
we're off to.
31
00:01:57,483 --> 00:01:58,852
Till you need us.
32
00:01:58,885 --> 00:02:00,721
Room 309.
33
00:02:00,754 --> 00:02:02,823
‐Real beds.
‐Room service!
34
00:02:02,856 --> 00:02:04,390
‐Hot and cold running maids.
‐Hey‐hey!
35
00:02:04,424 --> 00:02:06,259
Who said you could go?
36
00:02:06,292 --> 00:02:08,729
Henry, the war's been
sending us casualties
37
00:02:08,762 --> 00:02:10,396
on a conveyor belt.
38
00:02:10,430 --> 00:02:11,898
Listen, Henry, if we
don't get some rest,
39
00:02:11,932 --> 00:02:13,600
we're gonna start
screwing up surgically.
40
00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:16,202
Well, have a good time.
41
00:02:16,236 --> 00:02:17,638
Call us if you need us.
42
00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:18,839
Yeah, but don't need us.
43
00:02:18,872 --> 00:02:20,874
Radar, two of
your best passes.
44
00:02:22,342 --> 00:02:24,344
4077th MASH,
Colonel Blake's office.
45
00:02:24,377 --> 00:02:25,946
Did you hear a bell?
46
00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:28,181
His head's in
another time zone.
47
00:02:28,214 --> 00:02:29,583
Just be sure that
your post‐op patients
48
00:02:29,616 --> 00:02:31,284
are all okay
before you take off.
49
00:02:31,317 --> 00:02:33,453
‐Oh, yes.
‐Henry, everything is okay.
50
00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:34,855
Yes, sir.
Just a minute. Sir?
51
00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:37,490
Radar, I don't wanna
talk to anybody.
52
00:02:37,524 --> 00:02:40,326
Just tell 'em I'm beat
right down to my socks.
53
00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:41,862
Uh, General Clayton,
Colonel Blake says
54
00:02:41,895 --> 00:02:45,431
he's really beat
right down to his socks.
55
00:02:45,465 --> 00:02:46,533
Morning, General.
56
00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:47,701
Henry Blake here.
57
00:02:47,734 --> 00:02:50,604
Henry, are you
sitting down?
58
00:02:50,637 --> 00:02:52,673
No, sir.
59
00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:53,807
Maybe you'd better.
60
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,509
Yes, sir.
61
00:02:55,542 --> 00:02:56,877
He's giving you
callisthenics over the phone?
62
00:02:56,910 --> 00:02:58,579
Oh, pipe down.
63
00:02:58,612 --> 00:03:00,947
Henry, it won't be official
64
00:03:00,981 --> 00:03:02,716
for a couple of hours yet,
65
00:03:02,749 --> 00:03:03,984
but a ceasefire
66
00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:05,418
has been arranged.
67
00:03:05,451 --> 00:03:06,853
I say again:
68
00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:08,622
a ceasefire.
69
00:03:08,655 --> 00:03:09,890
A ceasefire?
70
00:03:09,923 --> 00:03:11,525
‐What? ‐Ceasefire?
71
00:03:11,558 --> 00:03:13,326
Does that mean
we can go home?
72
00:03:13,359 --> 00:03:15,829
A ceasefire‐‐
General, are you sure?
73
00:03:15,862 --> 00:03:18,264
Well, I've just been on
the phone with CENCOMPAC.
74
00:03:18,298 --> 00:03:19,633
Is that good enough for ya?
75
00:03:19,666 --> 00:03:21,602
He got it
from CENCOMPAC.
76
00:03:21,635 --> 00:03:23,670
‐CENCOM‐‐
‐I don't care if he
got it from nincompoop!
77
00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:24,938
The shooting's over!
78
00:03:24,971 --> 00:03:27,508
Ha‐ha!
79
00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:29,676
General Clayton, this is
Benjamin Franklin Pierce.
80
00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:31,645
I realize you're a general
and I'm just a captain,
81
00:03:31,678 --> 00:03:32,779
but I wanna have
your baby.
82
00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:34,581
I mean it‐‐
83
00:03:34,615 --> 00:03:36,316
I want your baby!
I'll kiss all your stars!
84
00:03:36,349 --> 00:03:38,819
Ha ha! Yay!
85
00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:40,286
Sir‐‐
86
00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:42,255
Listen, listen,
I'll be up there tonight
87
00:03:42,288 --> 00:03:43,456
for a final drink
88
00:03:43,489 --> 00:03:45,559
with my favorite
MASH outfit.
89
00:03:45,592 --> 00:03:47,561
Oh, uh, that's
terrific, General.
90
00:03:47,594 --> 00:03:48,829
Just terrific.
Yes, sir. What's that?
91
00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:50,664
(whooping)
92
00:03:50,697 --> 00:03:51,998
Yes, sir.
I'll tell Major Houlihan
93
00:03:52,032 --> 00:03:54,034
that you look forward
to seeing her.
94
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:56,002
If she doesn't want you,
there's always me!
95
00:03:57,337 --> 00:03:58,539
No, just, uh‐‐ Not‐‐
96
00:03:58,572 --> 00:04:00,006
Nothing, General, nothing.
97
00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:01,575
Uh, okay, yes, sir.
We'll see you tonight.
98
00:04:01,608 --> 00:04:03,510
And, uh, sir,
thanks for the great news.
99
00:04:03,544 --> 00:04:05,579
Great news.
100
00:04:05,612 --> 00:04:06,847
Well, how about that!
101
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:07,981
I don't know.
102
00:04:08,014 --> 00:04:09,616
I'm gonna get drunk
for a week,
103
00:04:09,650 --> 00:04:11,417
sober up,
get back in shape,
104
00:04:11,451 --> 00:04:12,919
and get drunk
for a month again.
105
00:04:12,953 --> 00:04:14,821
Now, listen.
Hold it, Pierce.
106
00:04:14,855 --> 00:04:17,290
Now look, the general was just
giving me advance notice.
107
00:04:17,323 --> 00:04:19,793
I don't want this to get out
until it's official.
108
00:04:19,826 --> 00:04:22,863
Not one word to anybody.
109
00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:24,497
‐Understood?
‐Understood.
110
00:04:24,531 --> 00:04:26,066
We will keep it
very quiet, Henry,
111
00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:27,433
‐if that's what you want.
‐(cheering)
112
00:04:27,467 --> 00:04:28,702
Hey, Colonel,
did you hear?
113
00:04:28,735 --> 00:04:30,403
There's a ceasefire!
114
00:04:30,436 --> 00:04:32,606
Effective immediately!
115
00:04:32,639 --> 00:04:33,807
We won't say a word,
Henry.
116
00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:35,676
You can depend on us.
117
00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:37,744
(horn blowing)
118
00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:39,813
WOMAN (on P. A.):
(singing in Japanese)
119
00:04:46,587 --> 00:04:50,356
♪ Happy days
are here again ♪
120
00:04:50,390 --> 00:04:54,460
‐(cheering)
‐(singing continues)
121
00:04:54,494 --> 00:04:56,997
MAN (on P. A.):
Attention, attention,
all personnel.
122
00:04:57,030 --> 00:05:00,433
Any rumors regarding
a ceasefire are not official.
123
00:05:00,466 --> 00:05:03,570
All personnel
are ordered to continue
regular assigned duties
124
00:05:03,604 --> 00:05:05,506
until further notice.
125
00:05:05,539 --> 00:05:08,074
Oh, honey, mine was
the Scotch and water.
126
00:05:10,410 --> 00:05:13,113
Ah, Corporal Klinger,
ready for duty, I see.
127
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,715
What's goin' on?
What's all the hoo‐ha?
128
00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:16,850
Ceasefire, sweetheart.
The war is over.
129
00:05:16,883 --> 00:05:17,951
You're kidding!
130
00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:19,553
Have I ever
lied to you, Miss?
131
00:05:19,586 --> 00:05:21,354
If it's true,
You won't have to buck
132
00:05:21,387 --> 00:05:22,856
for a psycho
discharge anymore.
133
00:05:22,889 --> 00:05:24,457
Terrific!
134
00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:26,092
But I'm stuck with
a dozen dresses.
135
00:05:29,095 --> 00:05:32,065
Gentlemen,
I give you peace.
136
00:05:32,098 --> 00:05:36,537
Sweet, quiet,
monotonous...
137
00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:40,073
lovely, life‐restoring,
harmonious, tranquil,
138
00:05:40,106 --> 00:05:42,676
glad‐about‐it,
mad‐about‐it peace.
139
00:05:42,709 --> 00:05:45,478
I'll drink to it,
but I don't believe it.
140
00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:47,147
Come again?
141
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:49,750
It's the same story
in every war.
142
00:05:49,783 --> 00:05:51,918
The big guys,
they yell ceasefire,
143
00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:53,687
there's dancing
in the streets,
144
00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:57,390
then they pull the switch,
and it starts all over again.
145
00:05:57,423 --> 00:05:59,726
Trapper, it's over!
146
00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:02,563
No more meatball surgery!
147
00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:04,130
No more putting guys
together again
148
00:06:04,164 --> 00:06:06,833
so they can be killed
at a more convenient time.
149
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:09,102
No more living in Shangri‐la,
buttering our bread
150
00:06:09,135 --> 00:06:11,705
every morning
with DDT powder.
151
00:06:11,738 --> 00:06:13,740
It's finished!
152
00:06:13,774 --> 00:06:17,443
This whole damned
cursed war is over!
153
00:06:17,477 --> 00:06:19,479
I'll believe that
when I'm back home
154
00:06:19,513 --> 00:06:21,414
refusing my
first house call.
155
00:06:21,447 --> 00:06:22,916
You really don't
believe it's real?
156
00:06:22,949 --> 00:06:24,718
With all my cynical heart.
157
00:06:24,751 --> 00:06:26,086
I bet you it is.
158
00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:27,888
I'll bet you
anything you want.
159
00:06:27,921 --> 00:06:29,956
I'll bet ya 50 bucks
they're not playing around.
160
00:06:29,990 --> 00:06:31,758
You got a bet.
161
00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:33,426
I hate to take
your money.
162
00:06:33,459 --> 00:06:34,895
I only hope you will.
163
00:06:34,928 --> 00:06:36,462
Hey, they're passing out,
uh, champagne.
164
00:06:36,496 --> 00:06:37,864
I thought you guys
might like some.
165
00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:39,199
Nah, I'll stick with gin.
166
00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:41,802
Champagne is just ginger ale
that knows somebody.
167
00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:42,836
Hey.
168
00:06:44,871 --> 00:06:46,172
One more drink,
and that's it.
169
00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:47,608
After that, we operate
170
00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:49,442
and sink
your floating kidney.
171
00:06:49,475 --> 00:06:51,845
You know, life won't be
the same without you both
172
00:06:51,878 --> 00:06:52,813
and the Swamp.
173
00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:55,448
You'll miss this?
174
00:06:55,481 --> 00:06:58,051
He's queer
for garbage dumps.
175
00:06:58,084 --> 00:06:59,886
I don't like to ask,
176
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:02,188
but, uh, if there's
some little souvenir
177
00:07:02,222 --> 00:07:04,591
‐I could have...
‐Take it all!
178
00:07:04,625 --> 00:07:06,059
Help yourself.
179
00:07:06,092 --> 00:07:08,228
Tell your family the whole
camp is up for grabs.
180
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:10,096
Wait a minute. Steady, Hawk.
181
00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:13,499
The U. S. Army always leaves
stuff behind after war.
182
00:07:13,534 --> 00:07:15,135
There's a tribe on
Guadalcanal made a god
183
00:07:15,168 --> 00:07:16,870
out of a '39 Chevy.
184
00:07:20,173 --> 00:07:23,043
Frank, you're not
to worry about me.
185
00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:26,813
You go back to your
practice and your work
186
00:07:26,847 --> 00:07:30,951
and your house and your two
cars and your country club
187
00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:34,020
and your friends and your
way of life and your...
188
00:07:36,089 --> 00:07:37,190
wife.
189
00:07:40,727 --> 00:07:43,764
I'm not going to
make any trouble.
190
00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:45,799
Oh, gosh, Margaret,
191
00:07:45,832 --> 00:07:48,168
it's, uh, swell of you
to be so brave.
192
00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:50,103
Brave of you to be so swell.
193
00:07:50,136 --> 00:07:53,073
I just want you
to be happy.
194
00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:55,842
(cheering)
195
00:07:58,111 --> 00:07:59,279
I wish you could
meet my wife.
196
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:00,781
You'd like her.
197
00:08:03,249 --> 00:08:05,619
Don't press
your luck, Frank.
198
00:08:07,588 --> 00:08:09,222
‐(whistling, cheering)
‐(noisemakers)
199
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,270
Major Houlihan,
it's me: Radar.
200
00:08:24,304 --> 00:08:25,906
Uh, what do you want?
201
00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:28,041
Uh, well, I'm asking
everyone to write something
202
00:08:28,074 --> 00:08:30,076
in my scrapbook.
203
00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:32,646
Oh, I'm, uh,
busy right now.
204
00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:34,080
Well, I just thought
that you and Major Burns‐‐
205
00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:35,816
Major Burns
is not here!
206
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:37,050
Well, then
how can you be busy?
207
00:08:37,083 --> 00:08:38,619
‐Get lost!
‐Yes, ma'am.
208
00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:43,890
"Dear Radar, this is
the best restaurant
209
00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:46,159
"I ever ate in.
210
00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:47,961
Good luck. Hawkeye."
211
00:08:47,994 --> 00:08:49,229
That's what you
want to say?
212
00:08:49,262 --> 00:08:51,297
Right. Simple,
but with feeling.
213
00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:53,634
And loaded
with emotion.
214
00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:55,569
Hey, Trapper,
sign my book?
215
00:08:55,602 --> 00:08:57,804
I'll sign it when the
real ceasefire comes.
216
00:08:57,838 --> 00:08:59,305
Oh, how can you
turn him down?
217
00:08:59,339 --> 00:09:01,642
His liver's where
his heart ought of be.
218
00:09:01,675 --> 00:09:02,943
What's where his
liver oughta be?
219
00:09:02,976 --> 00:09:03,910
Onions.
220
00:09:08,749 --> 00:09:10,651
"Compliments of a friend?"
221
00:09:12,118 --> 00:09:14,287
Boy, you guys sure know
how to reach somebody.
222
00:09:16,356 --> 00:09:19,893
‐(air horn blowing)
‐(cheering)
223
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:30,871
Friends, friends...
224
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:33,607
civilians of all ranks.
225
00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:35,341
This is the happiest‐‐
226
00:09:35,375 --> 00:09:39,913
in fact, this is the only
happy day of the war.
227
00:09:39,946 --> 00:09:42,348
And it is fitting
that we pause
228
00:09:42,382 --> 00:09:45,018
to offer a prayer
of thanksgiving
229
00:09:45,051 --> 00:09:47,120
to the merciful God
who has delivered us
230
00:09:47,153 --> 00:09:50,657
from this terrible conflict.
231
00:09:50,691 --> 00:09:53,093
Let us pray in silence
232
00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:57,764
and remember those of our
comrades who have fallen.
233
00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:09,643
‐Amen.
‐ALL: Amen.
234
00:10:09,676 --> 00:10:10,977
And now...
235
00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:13,647
on with the secular
festivities!
236
00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:15,148
‐(cheering)
‐(party horns tooting)
237
00:10:30,363 --> 00:10:32,298
Attention, all personnel.
238
00:10:32,332 --> 00:10:34,100
A reminder
that the ceasefire
239
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:36,002
is not officially
in effect.
240
00:10:36,036 --> 00:10:37,804
All materiel and equipment
241
00:10:37,838 --> 00:10:40,106
remain the property
of the United States Army.
242
00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:42,242
Anyone found in possession
of said property
243
00:10:42,275 --> 00:10:45,746
will be prosecuted to the
full extent of military law.
244
00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:47,814
Hold it.
Hold it, Hawkeye.
245
00:10:47,848 --> 00:10:49,082
I'm trying.
246
00:10:49,115 --> 00:10:50,951
Someone might walk in.
247
00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:52,385
They're all
doctors and nurses.
248
00:10:52,418 --> 00:10:55,121
What could we possibly do
that would surprise them?
249
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:56,456
I don't know.
250
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:59,259
Let's see what we can
come up with.
251
00:10:59,292 --> 00:11:02,128
I'm gonna need that ear
after the war.
252
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:05,098
It's my duty to give you
a thorough physical
before you go.
253
00:11:05,131 --> 00:11:06,867
Speaking of which‐‐
254
00:11:06,900 --> 00:11:08,835
Hawkeye, it's very
difficult to talk
255
00:11:08,869 --> 00:11:10,236
with your teeth in my neck.
256
00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:13,073
It's even harder for me.
257
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:15,008
Can you be serious
for a minute?
258
00:11:15,041 --> 00:11:17,177
30 seconds is my record.
259
00:11:18,845 --> 00:11:21,782
What happens,
now that the war is over?
260
00:11:23,116 --> 00:11:24,851
Well, both sides
will say they've won,
261
00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:27,220
Detroit will go back
to making cars again,
262
00:11:27,253 --> 00:11:30,156
and I can treat kids for mumps
instead of shrapnel.
263
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:34,060
What happens to us
is what I had in mind.
264
00:11:35,996 --> 00:11:37,263
‐Us?
‐Mm‐hm.
265
00:11:37,297 --> 00:11:39,232
As in you and me.
266
00:11:39,265 --> 00:11:41,768
Oh, that us. Right, right.
267
00:11:41,802 --> 00:11:44,170
We've been very close.
268
00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:47,173
Cast a single shadow,
as it were.
269
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:51,111
You've never exactly
promised marriage.
270
00:11:51,144 --> 00:11:52,779
Bless your memory.
271
00:11:52,813 --> 00:11:56,249
But you did use
all the right words:
272
00:11:56,282 --> 00:11:59,452
love... togetherness...
273
00:12:00,521 --> 00:12:01,822
future.
274
00:12:10,196 --> 00:12:12,799
Lieutenant, I have
a confession to make.
275
00:12:16,570 --> 00:12:18,972
You might've worn your ring.
276
00:12:19,005 --> 00:12:21,174
And get thrown
out of the Cad Society?
277
00:12:23,209 --> 00:12:24,444
Kids, too?
278
00:12:25,546 --> 00:12:27,447
‐Five.
‐Hmm.
279
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:29,983
It gets very cold
up there in Vermont.
280
00:12:33,386 --> 00:12:35,121
I'm sure gonna miss you
when I get back.
281
00:12:36,356 --> 00:12:38,925
Oh, well...
282
00:12:38,959 --> 00:12:41,094
You don't have to wait
till then.
283
00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:50,303
Sir?
284
00:12:52,338 --> 00:12:53,874
Howdy, Radar.
285
00:12:53,907 --> 00:12:55,876
How's it going,
old kid, old sock?
286
00:12:57,210 --> 00:12:58,344
Happy, huh, sir?
287
00:12:58,378 --> 00:12:59,445
Happy?
288
00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:00,881
(chuckling) Oh, boy.
289
00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:02,849
In a few days
I'm gonna be back home
290
00:13:02,883 --> 00:13:04,985
tripping over kids'
rollerskates again,
291
00:13:05,018 --> 00:13:07,954
cursing out the crab grass,
292
00:13:07,988 --> 00:13:09,956
fuming about
my income taxes,
293
00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:12,058
and being impossible
with my receptionist
294
00:13:12,092 --> 00:13:14,260
and turning gray over
my wife's checking account
295
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:16,530
and loving
every minute of it.
296
00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:19,232
‐Ow. (whistles)
‐Did you cut yourself, sir?
297
00:13:19,265 --> 00:13:20,901
Yeah, no problem.
298
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:23,604
Good old civilian
blood again.
299
00:13:23,637 --> 00:13:25,471
Nice and red.
300
00:13:25,506 --> 00:13:28,208
Cut myself last week
and, uh...
301
00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:30,243
it came out khaki.
302
00:13:30,276 --> 00:13:32,378
(laughing)
303
00:13:32,412 --> 00:13:33,614
That's a good one.
304
00:13:33,647 --> 00:13:35,015
Thank you.
305
00:13:38,284 --> 00:13:40,053
Uh, did you get a chance
to sign it, sir?
306
00:13:40,086 --> 00:13:42,122
Oh, Radar, whatever
it is, you sign it.
307
00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:44,324
I mean, the only business
I want do with the army
308
00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:46,026
is have them validate
my parking ticket
309
00:13:46,059 --> 00:13:47,561
so I can go home.
310
00:13:47,594 --> 00:13:49,329
Uh, no, sir,
I mean my scrapbook.
311
00:13:49,362 --> 00:13:51,131
Did you get a chance
to sign my scrapbook?
312
00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:52,432
Oh, I'm‐I'm sorry, Radar.
313
00:13:52,465 --> 00:13:54,200
Of course.
It's right there.
314
00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:56,002
Oh.
315
00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:02,909
"For Radar O'Reilly,
my comrade in arms,
316
00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:07,648
"a swell egg who made
Korea something special.
317
00:14:07,681 --> 00:14:09,983
"Thanks for everything.
318
00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:13,620
"Good luck.
Affectionately,
319
00:14:13,654 --> 00:14:16,156
"your friend,
Henry Blake."
320
00:14:17,223 --> 00:14:18,525
(nasal) Okay?
321
00:14:20,627 --> 00:14:22,295
Oh, yes, sir.
322
00:14:24,164 --> 00:14:25,632
Do you mean this?
323
00:14:25,666 --> 00:14:27,100
Every word of it.
324
00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:30,604
Sometimes it felt like
you were my father.
325
00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:32,205
You've sorta been
like a son to me.
326
00:14:32,238 --> 00:14:34,140
(laughing)
327
00:14:40,581 --> 00:14:42,148
Maybe we should
get together
328
00:14:42,182 --> 00:14:45,218
when we get back
to the States.
329
00:14:45,251 --> 00:14:47,654
Hey, you‐‐
Now, that's a great idea.
330
00:14:47,688 --> 00:14:51,291
Look, why don't you call me
and we'll have lunch?
331
00:14:51,324 --> 00:14:52,626
You live in
Bloomington, Illinois,
332
00:14:52,659 --> 00:14:54,628
‐and I live in Iowa. ‐That's
true.
333
00:14:54,661 --> 00:14:57,397
But, you know, it would
only take a day or so
334
00:14:57,430 --> 00:14:59,032
on the bus, and then‐‐
335
00:14:59,065 --> 00:15:01,134
and then we could have a
whole long lunch together.
336
00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:02,569
Sure.
337
00:15:02,603 --> 00:15:04,470
Yeah, just give me
a buzz.
338
00:15:04,505 --> 00:15:07,140
Oh, yes, sir.
339
00:15:07,173 --> 00:15:09,610
Well, but I mean,
um, not right away.
340
00:15:09,643 --> 00:15:11,044
You see, I'm gonna ha‐‐
341
00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:13,413
be busy, kinda
settling in and all.
342
00:15:13,446 --> 00:15:16,182
Oh. Oh, I understand
that, sir.
343
00:15:16,216 --> 00:15:18,051
Okay, you got it.
344
00:15:21,387 --> 00:15:22,689
Well, then how about,
345
00:15:22,723 --> 00:15:26,259
about two months
from when we get home,
346
00:15:26,292 --> 00:15:27,594
on a Saturday?
347
00:15:29,129 --> 00:15:31,297
Yeah, um...
I'll tell you what.
348
00:15:31,331 --> 00:15:33,567
Let's, uh, just kinda
leave it loose for now, huh?
349
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,035
But‐but we'll do it.
350
00:15:35,068 --> 00:15:36,603
Okay, but, uh,
351
00:15:36,637 --> 00:15:39,239
we'll, uh,
leave it loose for now.
352
00:15:41,542 --> 00:15:44,144
I'm not gonna make
any trouble, Frank.
353
00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:45,378
I know, darling.
354
00:15:45,411 --> 00:15:48,281
No phone calls, no letters.
355
00:15:48,314 --> 00:15:50,450
I won't even write you
at your office.
356
00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:54,120
Margaret,
you're a real prince.
357
00:15:55,221 --> 00:15:57,057
I mean, cess. Cessprince.
358
00:15:57,090 --> 00:15:58,258
Princess.
359
00:15:59,425 --> 00:16:01,528
Oh, Frank,
you're such a ninny.
360
00:16:01,562 --> 00:16:03,229
Oh, Margaret, please.
361
00:16:03,263 --> 00:16:05,365
I'm supposed to keep
my middle ear dry.
362
00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:10,203
Oh, it's Private Gilbert.
363
00:16:10,236 --> 00:16:11,738
You operated on him
for shrapnel wounds.
364
00:16:11,772 --> 00:16:13,273
What's wrong?
365
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:15,075
Well, he's awake,
but restless.
366
00:16:15,108 --> 00:16:16,309
There's no improvement.
367
00:16:19,079 --> 00:16:20,581
Trying to louse up
the ceasefire, Gilbert?
368
00:16:20,614 --> 00:16:22,583
Uh, well to tell ya
the truth, uh,
369
00:16:22,616 --> 00:16:25,185
it would've been nice if they
coulda stopped the fighting
370
00:16:25,218 --> 00:16:27,287
before somebody
aimed at me, sir.
371
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:29,322
Next time, hide behind
a tree with an officer.
372
00:16:31,592 --> 00:16:33,794
All right, I'm giving you
a direct order.
373
00:16:33,827 --> 00:16:35,261
You start getting
better immediately,
374
00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:37,030
or I'll operate again.
375
00:16:37,063 --> 00:16:39,700
This time blindfolded
and sober.
376
00:16:39,733 --> 00:16:42,368
I‐I think I'm starting
to feel better already, sir.
377
00:16:42,402 --> 00:16:44,170
‐Keep trying. ‐Yes, sir.
378
00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:46,306
Give him a unit
of blood,
379
00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:49,142
and threaten patient
every two hours.
380
00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:51,211
Captain, could I speak
to you for a minute, please?
381
00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:52,445
Certainly, Nurse Cutler.
382
00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:02,222
That's just for
the ceasefire.
383
00:17:02,255 --> 00:17:04,157
I can hardly wait
for the peace treaty.
384
00:17:04,190 --> 00:17:06,560
Hawkeye, we have
to make plans.
385
00:17:06,593 --> 00:17:07,728
All right, how's this?
386
00:17:07,761 --> 00:17:09,429
I'll get a bottle
of wine,
387
00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:11,231
and you get the keys
to the laundry room.
388
00:17:11,264 --> 00:17:13,199
We'll both get in the dryer
and take a trip to the moon.
389
00:17:13,233 --> 00:17:16,069
I'm talking about
our going‐home plans.
390
00:17:17,137 --> 00:17:18,104
Our?
391
00:17:18,138 --> 00:17:19,239
Yours and mine.
392
00:17:19,272 --> 00:17:21,474
As in you and me,
as in us?
393
00:17:21,508 --> 00:17:23,276
Never mind.
394
00:17:23,309 --> 00:17:25,211
I mean,
the way we've been‐‐
395
00:17:25,245 --> 00:17:27,614
I certainly got the impression
that we were go‐‐
396
00:17:27,648 --> 00:17:29,449
Lieutenant, darling.
397
00:17:29,482 --> 00:17:31,184
I have an affliction
398
00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:32,285
that will make any
long‐term relationship
399
00:17:32,318 --> 00:17:34,120
between us impossible.
400
00:17:34,154 --> 00:17:35,355
Hawkeye, what is it?
401
00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:36,422
As we're both
medical people,
402
00:17:36,456 --> 00:17:39,225
I will speak
professionally.
403
00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:41,427
I'm suffering from
terminal marriage.
404
00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:48,234
(party horns tooting)
405
00:17:52,773 --> 00:17:55,075
(no audible dialogue)
406
00:18:07,353 --> 00:18:08,755
‐(chatter)
‐Easy. Take it easy.
407
00:18:08,789 --> 00:18:10,524
That's stunning.
Absolutely stunning.
408
00:18:10,557 --> 00:18:12,325
All right, girls,
you'll find what you want.
409
00:18:12,358 --> 00:18:13,727
Everything half price.
410
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,495
‐Hey, wait a minute!
‐All sales final!
411
00:18:15,529 --> 00:18:17,798
Klinger, wait a minute.
What's going on here?
412
00:18:17,831 --> 00:18:19,432
This is my ceasefire sale.
413
00:18:19,465 --> 00:18:21,367
I don't need this
stuff anymore.
414
00:18:21,401 --> 00:18:22,468
I'll take this one.
415
00:18:22,503 --> 00:18:23,604
Oh, yes. It's $5.00.
416
00:18:23,637 --> 00:18:24,905
That was always
my favorite.
417
00:18:24,938 --> 00:18:26,773
‐I'll wear it out.
‐Oh, here.
418
00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:29,543
These look great
with that.
419
00:18:29,576 --> 00:18:30,777
Uh...
420
00:18:30,811 --> 00:18:32,513
No charge.
421
00:18:32,546 --> 00:18:34,214
Thanks!
422
00:18:38,519 --> 00:18:40,521
These low heels
are killing me.
423
00:18:40,554 --> 00:18:42,889
Klinger, you gonna buy
all of this stuff back
424
00:18:42,923 --> 00:18:44,858
when the ceasefire
turns out to be a phony?
425
00:18:44,891 --> 00:18:46,727
A phony?
426
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:48,161
Sure. That's the way
it always happens.
427
00:18:48,194 --> 00:18:49,495
Big boys change
their mind,
428
00:18:49,530 --> 00:18:50,897
and the shooting
starts all over again.
429
00:18:50,931 --> 00:18:51,898
You really believe that?
430
00:18:51,932 --> 00:18:53,299
Believe it?
431
00:18:53,333 --> 00:18:55,201
Ha. I bet 50 bucks on it.
432
00:18:55,235 --> 00:18:57,270
Do you have this
in a size 12?
433
00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:00,707
It's for my mother!
434
00:19:03,577 --> 00:19:05,812
I won't make
any trouble, Frank.
435
00:19:05,846 --> 00:19:07,280
I know, darling.
436
00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:12,318
Not one bit.
437
00:19:12,352 --> 00:19:13,854
You're a peach, Margaret.
438
00:19:13,887 --> 00:19:16,189
Dead women can't make
any trouble, right?
439
00:19:16,222 --> 00:19:17,323
Right.
440
00:19:19,459 --> 00:19:20,694
Dead who?
441
00:19:22,428 --> 00:19:24,898
I'm just gonna stick
my head in an oven...
442
00:19:26,667 --> 00:19:28,935
and it'll be over in seconds.
443
00:19:28,969 --> 00:19:31,437
And I won't mention
your name in my note.
444
00:19:31,471 --> 00:19:33,507
Margaret,
what are you saying?
445
00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:35,942
I can't live
without you, Frank!
446
00:19:35,976 --> 00:19:38,311
You're all I have!
447
00:19:38,344 --> 00:19:41,648
I love your thin
little lips
448
00:19:41,682 --> 00:19:44,918
and the bristles where
you shave your earlobes.
449
00:19:44,951 --> 00:19:47,988
‐Margaret!
‐Take me home with you, Frank!
450
00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:49,756
Margaret, my wife!
451
00:19:49,790 --> 00:19:51,357
I'll learn to love her.
452
00:19:51,391 --> 00:19:52,959
We'll get along, you'll see.
453
00:19:52,993 --> 00:19:54,528
I'll be your nurse.
454
00:19:54,561 --> 00:19:55,896
She's my nurse.
455
00:19:55,929 --> 00:19:57,463
Then I'll be your patient.
456
00:19:57,497 --> 00:19:58,832
I'll catch
something terrible,
457
00:19:58,865 --> 00:20:01,467
and you'll have to
see me every day.
458
00:20:01,502 --> 00:20:03,804
I'll pay, Frank.
You can even bill me.
459
00:20:03,837 --> 00:20:05,371
Darling,
take me home with you.
460
00:20:05,405 --> 00:20:07,240
I won't make any problems.
461
00:20:07,273 --> 00:20:08,942
Is now
a good time?
462
00:20:10,611 --> 00:20:12,779
(cheering)
463
00:20:17,618 --> 00:20:18,619
See you after supper?
464
00:20:18,652 --> 00:20:19,753
Uh‐huh.
465
00:20:19,786 --> 00:20:21,755
‐Same place? ‐Mm‐hmm.
466
00:20:21,788 --> 00:20:24,257
I've never seen you
quite like this before.
467
00:20:24,290 --> 00:20:26,459
I just found out
you're married.
468
00:20:26,492 --> 00:20:27,828
You don't mind?
469
00:20:27,861 --> 00:20:30,363
Just check your
sleeping bag...
470
00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:32,599
for a land mine,
lover.
471
00:20:36,670 --> 00:20:37,838
‐(clinking)
‐Happy ceasefire.
472
00:20:37,871 --> 00:20:39,906
Uh, can we
settle down, people?
473
00:20:39,940 --> 00:20:41,441
Quiet!
474
00:20:44,077 --> 00:20:49,740
Uh, General Clayton,
fellow officers, nurses,
475
00:20:50,316 --> 00:20:54,387
NCOs, and our guest wounded.
476
00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:57,924
Welcome to the 4077th
ceasefire party.
477
00:20:57,958 --> 00:21:00,561
Uh, this being a very
special occasion,
478
00:21:00,594 --> 00:21:03,997
I'm not going to take up
time by making a speech.
479
00:21:04,030 --> 00:21:05,899
(cheering)
480
00:21:09,002 --> 00:21:14,040
Instead, I'd, uh, like
to introduce a fine surgeon,
481
00:21:14,074 --> 00:21:18,612
a real cut‐up,
Captain Hawkeye Pierce.
482
00:21:21,982 --> 00:21:23,517
Now first of all,
483
00:21:23,550 --> 00:21:24,918
in gratitude to
the United Nations
484
00:21:24,951 --> 00:21:27,053
for setting us all free,
485
00:21:27,087 --> 00:21:30,023
I am hereby forgetting
these poker IOUs
486
00:21:30,056 --> 00:21:32,392
to the sum of some $1,500.
487
00:21:32,425 --> 00:21:36,029
(cheers)
488
00:21:36,062 --> 00:21:37,964
You realize I can
make all that back
489
00:21:37,998 --> 00:21:39,800
with just one rich kid
with bad tonsils.
490
00:21:43,904 --> 00:21:45,405
And, secondly,
491
00:21:45,438 --> 00:21:47,908
I would like to present
a pictorial tribute
492
00:21:47,941 --> 00:21:51,044
to the man who brought us
this great ceasefire news,
493
00:21:51,077 --> 00:21:52,913
Brigadier General
Crandall Clayton.
494
00:21:52,946 --> 00:21:56,550
(cheering)
495
00:21:56,583 --> 00:21:58,351
You've, uh, you've paid us
496
00:21:58,384 --> 00:22:00,554
many kind and thoughtful
visits, General,
497
00:22:00,587 --> 00:22:03,123
and I've‐‐ I've
always tried to mark
498
00:22:03,156 --> 00:22:06,793
every memorable occasion
with a photograph or two.
499
00:22:06,827 --> 00:22:07,994
If you'd all turn around.
500
00:22:08,028 --> 00:22:10,731
Uh, lights, please.
501
00:22:10,764 --> 00:22:14,635
How many of us will forget
this always stirring sight?
502
00:22:16,637 --> 00:22:17,871
Or this one?
503
00:22:23,777 --> 00:22:26,913
Of course, like
every great warrior,
504
00:22:26,947 --> 00:22:29,482
you had your warm
and human side.
505
00:22:40,460 --> 00:22:42,929
Uh, Pierce,
I think that, uh...
506
00:22:42,963 --> 00:22:46,667
But your warm side
had an even warmer side.
507
00:23:10,791 --> 00:23:12,192
Margaret!
508
00:23:12,225 --> 00:23:15,495
Uh, he's just a friend
of the family.
509
00:23:16,997 --> 00:23:19,165
Uh, can we have
the lights, please?
510
00:23:19,199 --> 00:23:21,802
(cheering)
511
00:23:21,835 --> 00:23:24,037
If there wasn't
a ceasefire, Pierce.
512
00:23:26,106 --> 00:23:28,542
Uh, why don't we
have a song?
513
00:23:28,575 --> 00:23:30,777
‐"The Star‐Spangled Banner."
‐How does it go?
514
00:23:30,811 --> 00:23:32,679
Just play it,
will you, Father?
515
00:23:32,713 --> 00:23:36,717
♪ Should old acquaintance
be forgot ♪
516
00:23:36,750 --> 00:23:43,056
♪ And never brought to mind ♪
517
00:23:43,089 --> 00:23:49,195
♪ Should old acquaintance
be forgot ♪
518
00:23:49,229 --> 00:23:55,035
♪ And days
of auld lang syne ♪
519
00:23:55,068 --> 00:23:56,770
Hold it, hold it.
520
00:23:56,803 --> 00:23:59,573
May I have your
attention, please?
521
00:23:59,606 --> 00:24:02,709
I just received a
communiqué from CENCOMPAC.
522
00:24:02,743 --> 00:24:05,912
There is no ceasefire.
523
00:24:05,946 --> 00:24:08,982
Well, we're back
in business again.
524
00:24:09,015 --> 00:24:12,719
Attention. Attention,
all personnel!
525
00:24:12,753 --> 00:24:15,021
All personnel
report to surgery.
526
00:24:15,055 --> 00:24:17,591
Incoming wounded.
Incoming wounded!
527
00:24:17,624 --> 00:24:20,627
All personnel report
to surgery immediately!
528
00:24:24,898 --> 00:24:26,600
Here you are, Scrooge.
529
00:24:26,633 --> 00:24:29,770
Thanks. You should've
listened to me, pal.
530
00:24:29,803 --> 00:24:31,104
If the same thing
happened all over again,
531
00:24:31,137 --> 00:24:32,573
I'd still make
the same bet.
532
00:24:32,606 --> 00:24:33,674
On the level?
533
00:24:33,707 --> 00:24:35,241
It was a glimpse
of daylight
534
00:24:35,275 --> 00:24:36,943
at the end of
the damn tunnel.
535
00:24:36,977 --> 00:24:38,612
You paid a pretty
heavy price.
536
00:24:38,645 --> 00:24:41,615
So I blew $1,500
bucks in IOUs.
537
00:24:41,648 --> 00:24:45,519
Gave up three nurses for
an imaginary wife and family.
538
00:24:45,552 --> 00:24:48,088
Clayton's got my butt
in his gun sight.
539
00:24:48,121 --> 00:24:50,557
My hopefulness
remains intact.
540
00:24:50,591 --> 00:24:51,892
Good for you.
541
00:24:51,925 --> 00:24:54,595
Would you mind turning
the other way though?
542
00:24:54,628 --> 00:24:56,697
I'd hate for you to see
a grown man cry.
543
00:25:07,073 --> 00:25:08,842
♪♪♪ (theme)
38108
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