Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:04,538 --> 00:00:06,573
(helicopters whirling) ♪♪♪ (theme)
2
00:00:50,483 --> 00:00:52,619
♪♪♪
3
00:01:08,368 --> 00:01:11,805
‐Clamp.
‐Clamp.
4
00:01:11,838 --> 00:01:14,274
‐Suture.
‐Suture.
5
00:01:14,307 --> 00:01:17,210
‐Scissors.
‐Scissors.
6
00:01:17,243 --> 00:01:18,679
Can't you work
any faster, Frank?
7
00:01:18,712 --> 00:01:20,280
Haste makes waste.
8
00:01:20,313 --> 00:01:23,517
Never at a loss for
a cliché, are we?
9
00:01:23,550 --> 00:01:24,751
Is everything
all right here?
10
00:01:24,785 --> 00:01:26,152
Yeah, it will be as
soon as Frank stops
11
00:01:26,186 --> 00:01:27,754
sewing his fingers
together.
12
00:01:27,788 --> 00:01:29,590
You missed a fragment!
13
00:01:29,623 --> 00:01:31,725
Well, why didn't
you give me suction
so I could see it?
14
00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:33,426
You didn't ask
for any, doctor.
15
00:01:33,459 --> 00:01:34,528
You're useless!
16
00:01:34,561 --> 00:01:36,396
Help around here's
impossible!
17
00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:38,599
Why don't you find yourself
another war, Frank?
18
00:01:38,632 --> 00:01:40,433
‐Forceps.
‐Forceps.
19
00:01:44,470 --> 00:01:45,706
There's your fragment!
20
00:01:48,441 --> 00:01:50,911
I don't ever want her
at my table again.
21
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:53,179
She's an incompetent
bungler!
22
00:01:53,213 --> 00:01:55,448
And you got that from
an expert on the subject.
23
00:01:58,351 --> 00:02:00,621
I can think of better ways
to spend a morning.
24
00:02:00,654 --> 00:02:02,455
Back home
I could be giving
25
00:02:02,488 --> 00:02:04,490
some nice blue‐haired lady
a hysterectomy.
26
00:02:04,525 --> 00:02:08,294
How about
selling married couples
his‐and‐her‐terectomies?
27
00:02:08,328 --> 00:02:10,163
Oh, you're punchy.
28
00:02:10,196 --> 00:02:12,633
The natural result
of pulling bits of hardware
29
00:02:12,666 --> 00:02:15,335
out of teenage bellies.
30
00:02:15,368 --> 00:02:18,905
This place is driving me out
of my already demented mind.
31
00:02:18,939 --> 00:02:22,242
My head is getting
wall‐to‐wall crazy.
32
00:02:22,275 --> 00:02:23,610
Would you like a drink?
33
00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:25,712
Is gas inflammable?
34
00:02:32,352 --> 00:02:35,455
Hey! Ginger! Ginger!
35
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:45,699
Did you know Frank Bums
was stolen by Gypsies
as a little boy?
36
00:02:47,568 --> 00:02:49,536
No.
37
00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:51,605
Police found him,
brought him back
to his parents.
38
00:02:51,638 --> 00:02:53,473
They refused delivery.
39
00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:55,709
So then
the police brought him
back to the Gypsies,
40
00:02:55,742 --> 00:02:57,410
but they didn't
want him either.
41
00:02:57,443 --> 00:02:58,812
So then the cops
brought him to the woods
42
00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:00,514
hoping the bears
would raise him.
43
00:03:00,547 --> 00:03:03,684
After one day with Frank,
the bears attacked the Gypsies.
44
00:03:05,285 --> 00:03:07,220
Thanks, Hawkeye.
45
00:03:10,791 --> 00:03:12,793
It's about time
for Frank to be taking
46
00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:15,629
his post‐surgery nap now,
isn't it?
47
00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:34,515
(groaning)
48
00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:43,323
Henry, that tooth's
really bad.
49
00:03:43,356 --> 00:03:44,958
Here, hold this back
with your tongue.
50
00:03:44,991 --> 00:03:45,959
Uh‐huh.
51
00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:51,765
This is it!
Colonel, this is it!
52
00:03:51,798 --> 00:03:53,499
I know I've asked for
a transfer before,
53
00:03:53,534 --> 00:03:55,802
but this time
I mean it! I want out!
54
00:03:55,836 --> 00:03:57,270
Ow!
55
00:03:57,303 --> 00:03:59,673
Uh, Frank, will you
just calm down?
56
00:03:59,706 --> 00:04:02,442
What‐What's happened
to your hook‐‐
Uh, your hand?
57
00:04:02,475 --> 00:04:04,410
McIntyre and Pierce,
that's what happened.
58
00:04:04,444 --> 00:04:06,012
And for the last time!
59
00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:09,482
I don't care
which MASH unit
you send me to,
60
00:04:09,516 --> 00:04:11,818
I want a transfer,
and I want it now!
61
00:04:11,852 --> 00:04:13,754
Look, I can't
transfer you
62
00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:15,488
with your arm
looking like that.
63
00:04:15,522 --> 00:04:17,323
There's nothing
wrong with my arm!
64
00:04:17,357 --> 00:04:19,059
And you're not
gonna change my mind.
65
00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:22,863
I've had those two
up to here!
66
00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:24,497
You better cut
that thing off
67
00:04:24,531 --> 00:04:25,666
before you hurt
yourself.
68
00:04:27,333 --> 00:04:29,469
You have no idea
what it's been like
69
00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:31,037
living with
those two perverts!
70
00:04:31,071 --> 00:04:33,707
Oh, they're
not really so...
71
00:04:33,740 --> 00:04:35,542
They're not?
72
00:04:35,576 --> 00:04:38,011
I take my life in my hands
every time I go to bed.
73
00:04:38,044 --> 00:04:39,913
I woke up one morning
and found they'd given me
74
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:42,048
"The Princess and
the Pea" treatment!
75
00:04:42,082 --> 00:04:43,884
"The Princess
and the Pea"?
76
00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:46,419
BURNS:
They nailed five cots
on top of each other.
77
00:04:46,452 --> 00:04:50,323
I was sleeping
12 feet off the floor!
78
00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:54,360
It's a good thing
you don't walk
in your sleep.
79
00:04:58,431 --> 00:05:01,334
I don't think
it's funny at all.
80
00:05:01,367 --> 00:05:03,369
Uh... of course not.
81
00:05:03,403 --> 00:05:06,607
Nor is it humorous to
wake up with hamburger
stuffed in your ears.
82
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,009
BLAKE:
Hamburger stuffed
in your ears?
83
00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:13,547
BURNS:
Do you know what it's like
being awakened by a wet nose?
84
00:05:13,580 --> 00:05:16,517
Frank, just leave my
married life out of this.
85
00:05:16,550 --> 00:05:19,385
Doctor, watch it before
I swallow your watch.
86
00:05:19,419 --> 00:05:20,887
Sorry, sir.
87
00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:23,957
Look, Frank, you bring
a lot of this on yourself.
88
00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:25,892
Oh, really?
89
00:05:25,926 --> 00:05:28,695
Well, I certainly didn't
bring last night on myself.
90
00:05:28,729 --> 00:05:31,532
BLAKE: Last night?
91
00:05:31,565 --> 00:05:32,699
It's not too hot,
is it?
92
00:05:32,733 --> 00:05:34,701
We don't wanna
wake him up.
93
00:05:34,735 --> 00:05:36,069
Just right.
94
00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:42,876
You sure this
is gonna work?
95
00:05:42,909 --> 00:05:45,045
As sure as
Niagara Falls.
96
00:06:02,062 --> 00:06:03,730
Oh...
97
00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:07,901
This is terrible.
I...
98
00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:14,908
Oh! You guys!
99
00:06:21,447 --> 00:06:23,550
Okay, Frank.
You'll get your transfer.
100
00:06:23,584 --> 00:06:25,686
Thank you.
101
00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:27,954
You know‐‐
You know, Frank?
102
00:06:27,988 --> 00:06:30,591
As‐as rough
as it's been sometimes,
103
00:06:30,624 --> 00:06:32,192
I think I'll miss you.
104
00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:33,927
Well, it might not
have come to this
105
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:35,161
if you'd had the
backbone to maintain
106
00:06:35,195 --> 00:06:36,797
some discipline
around here.
107
00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:39,766
Well, so much
for missing you.
108
00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:47,608
(coughing)
109
00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:52,078
This can't be
Death Valley Scotty,
can it?
110
00:06:52,112 --> 00:06:54,014
No, that's one of
those guys that lets you
111
00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:56,550
sit on his pony while
he takes your picture.
112
00:06:57,984 --> 00:06:59,753
If you're looking
for the Gold Rush,
113
00:06:59,786 --> 00:07:01,722
you take a left turn,
and go down the road
about 100 years.
114
00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:03,557
Okay, okay,
you guys.
115
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,726
What if I told you that
there's real gold out there?
116
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,093
Come out of
the sun, Radar.
117
00:07:07,127 --> 00:07:08,829
Your brain is
getting a tan.
118
00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:10,831
I'm not kidding.
I looked it up.
119
00:07:10,864 --> 00:07:12,633
It just so happens
Korea's the fifth largest
120
00:07:12,666 --> 00:07:14,200
gold producer
in the world.
121
00:07:14,234 --> 00:07:17,103
And the first largest
producer of Koreans.
122
00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:20,541
Take a look at these.
123
00:07:20,574 --> 00:07:23,143
I found 'em down
by the creek.
124
00:07:23,176 --> 00:07:24,945
McINTYRE:
It's not real gold, Radar.
125
00:07:24,978 --> 00:07:26,613
What you got there
is pyrite.
126
00:07:26,647 --> 00:07:29,015
And if you're smart, you'll
see your dentist right away.
127
00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:31,217
I'm telling you,
that's gold.
128
00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:35,188
Frank?
Flowers?
129
00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:38,559
I asked for
light chocolates.
130
00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:39,926
I'm allergic
to flowers.
131
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,895
‐They're not for you.
‐Hot Lips?
132
00:07:41,928 --> 00:07:43,263
I'm allergic
to her, too.
133
00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:45,832
What a relief it is to
know that after tomorrow
134
00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:48,034
I'll never have to
listen to you two again.
135
00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:49,736
Having your ears
removed, Frank?
136
00:07:49,770 --> 00:07:52,939
Colonel Blake has
okayed my transfer.
137
00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:55,776
You're serious, Frank.
You're leaving.
138
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,844
Abso‐tively!
139
00:07:57,878 --> 00:08:00,280
Gee, Frank, this place won't
seem the same without you.
140
00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:01,748
It'll be terrific!
141
00:08:08,088 --> 00:08:10,991
Now, this has to be
the farewell scene
of all time.
142
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:17,631
‐Margaret?
‐Frank!
143
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:19,833
Oh, did you cut
your head again?
144
00:08:19,866 --> 00:08:22,068
Yes, I cut
my head again.
145
00:08:24,705 --> 00:08:25,972
For you.
146
00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:27,073
Oh, how sweet!
147
00:08:27,107 --> 00:08:30,644
Long‐stemmed...
stems?
148
00:08:30,677 --> 00:08:31,978
Well, they were
chrysanthemums
149
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,780
before Pierce and
McIntyre got at 'em!
150
00:08:33,814 --> 00:08:35,816
Why would they
destroy your flowers?
151
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:37,718
Well, why would they
put cream cheese in
my house slippers?
152
00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:39,252
Do I know?
153
00:08:39,285 --> 00:08:41,221
They're crazy!
154
00:08:41,254 --> 00:08:42,288
It takes a certain
kind of man
155
00:08:42,322 --> 00:08:45,759
not to crack
under combat.
156
00:08:45,792 --> 00:08:48,695
And we all know what kind
of a man that is, don't we?
157
00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:54,100
I talked to the cook.
158
00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:57,571
He's bringing some
pork chops here tonight.
159
00:08:57,604 --> 00:08:59,105
The kind you like...
160
00:08:59,139 --> 00:09:03,043
with extra fat.
161
00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:06,146
Margaret, I have something
very painful to tell you.
162
00:09:06,179 --> 00:09:09,182
You can't come
to dinner tonight?
163
00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:10,884
I've put in for
a transfer.
164
00:09:12,853 --> 00:09:15,255
‐A transfer?
‐But we can still
make dinner.
165
00:09:15,288 --> 00:09:17,591
‐It's not till tomorrow.
‐But, Frank, why?
166
00:09:17,624 --> 00:09:19,259
Have I done something
to displease you?
167
00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:21,127
Oh, no, Margaret.
No, no!
168
00:09:21,161 --> 00:09:22,596
Is it something
I haven't done?
169
00:09:22,629 --> 00:09:24,030
Tell me and I'll do it.
170
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:25,799
Or if it's something
I've done, I'll undo it.
171
00:09:25,832 --> 00:09:27,868
Darling, it's nothing
you've done, or did.
172
00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:30,871
It's just that every man
has a breaking point,
173
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:33,173
and Pierce and McIntyre
have broken mine.
174
00:09:33,206 --> 00:09:36,610
But last night you
said you loved me.
175
00:09:36,643 --> 00:09:39,980
Oh, I do, Margaret.
176
00:09:40,013 --> 00:09:41,281
Frank, you're
crushing my mums.
177
00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:44,350
FRANK:
I don't mean to hurt you.
178
00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:46,019
It's the last thing in
the world I'd want to do.
179
00:09:46,052 --> 00:09:48,689
Margaret:
And yet you're
leaving me.
180
00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:50,791
Oh, it's not forever,
Margaret.
181
00:09:50,824 --> 00:09:54,260
There'll be other wars.
182
00:09:54,294 --> 00:09:55,929
I'll be devastated
without you.
183
00:09:55,962 --> 00:09:57,831
You know that.
184
00:09:57,864 --> 00:10:01,001
I'll write you...
everyday, faithfully.
185
00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:02,235
You promise?
186
00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:04,905
Frank:
Just like I do my wife.
187
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:07,073
Margaret, we're both
mature, grown‐up adults.
188
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,208
We...
189
00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:09,743
Margaret,
what're you doing?
190
00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:11,277
Put that down!
It's government property.
191
00:10:11,311 --> 00:10:13,346
(crashing)
192
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:16,983
It's chilly out there.
How 'bout a drink?
193
00:10:17,017 --> 00:10:19,052
If you need a reason
to drink, you shouldn't.
194
00:10:19,085 --> 00:10:20,887
Double or a triple?
195
00:10:20,921 --> 00:10:24,024
How about the first
quintuple martini
in medical history?
196
00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:26,359
How about you, Frank?
One for the road?
197
00:10:26,392 --> 00:10:28,128
I make it a point
never to drink
with strangers,
198
00:10:28,161 --> 00:10:29,696
and as of right now,
199
00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:31,698
I don't know
either one of you.
200
00:10:31,732 --> 00:10:33,700
Oh, it's chilly
in here, too.
201
00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:36,970
Make Frank a Shirley Temple.
And put it on my tab.
202
00:10:37,003 --> 00:10:39,205
You're nothing
but common drunks.
203
00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:42,809
That is a rumor started
by people I've fallen over.
204
00:10:42,843 --> 00:10:44,310
Laugh now,
205
00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:46,012
but when this war
is over I'll go back
206
00:10:46,046 --> 00:10:49,082
to my country club
and my 30‐foot yacht,
207
00:10:49,115 --> 00:10:50,784
and you two will be
ship's doctors
208
00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:52,986
on a garbage scow
somewhere.
209
00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:57,457
The typical
love‐hate complex.
210
00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:59,059
Freud said it best
when he said,
211
00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:00,894
"Never ask for
light chocolates."
212
00:11:00,927 --> 00:11:03,096
You're both a disgrace
to the medical profession
213
00:11:03,129 --> 00:11:04,898
let alone the
United States Army!
214
00:11:04,931 --> 00:11:06,800
He's beginning
to soften.
215
00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:10,704
Oh, I almost forgot.
216
00:11:10,737 --> 00:11:12,839
It's time to listen
to my favorite armed
forces soap opera,
217
00:11:12,873 --> 00:11:15,041
"Just Plain MacArthur."
218
00:11:15,075 --> 00:11:16,409
Soap operas now?
219
00:11:16,442 --> 00:11:18,278
You're deteriorating
by the minute!
220
00:11:18,311 --> 00:11:20,781
MARGARET:
I'll be devastated without
you, you know that.
221
00:11:20,814 --> 00:11:23,950
FRANK:
I'll write you...
everyday, faithfully.
222
00:11:23,984 --> 00:11:25,351
"I'll write everyday,
faithfully."
223
00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:28,121
Listen to that dribble,
that manure.
224
00:11:28,154 --> 00:11:30,056
You know, anyone who
could listen to that...
225
00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:33,093
MARGARET:
Frank, you're
crushing my mums.
226
00:11:33,126 --> 00:11:35,461
That‐that's‐‐ that's...
227
00:11:35,495 --> 00:11:38,398
That's right.
Nurse Dribble and Dr. Manure.
228
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:41,868
You dirty rat, you!
229
00:11:41,902 --> 00:11:45,506
‐James Cagney!
‐You! Pierce!
230
00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:49,109
Frank, please, Frank!
Hold it together, Frank.
231
00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:50,376
You'll regret this
as long as you live!
232
00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:51,444
I regret it right now,
Frank!
233
00:11:51,477 --> 00:11:52,946
Believe me,
I already regret it.
234
00:11:52,979 --> 00:11:54,414
MARGARET (on P. A.):
Maybe we could arrange
235
00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:56,416
to get leaves
at the same time.
236
00:11:56,449 --> 00:11:59,520
FRANK:
We could meet in Tokyo.
237
00:11:59,553 --> 00:12:01,888
Oh, Margaret,
there's so much to do,
238
00:12:01,922 --> 00:12:05,058
and so little time.
239
00:12:05,091 --> 00:12:07,227
To think that the army
of all things
240
00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:09,195
brought us together.
241
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:12,933
MARGARET:
Some beautiful things can
happen even in the army.
242
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:16,269
(cheering, applause)
243
00:12:22,543 --> 00:12:24,978
(lisping)
It's absolutely
inexcusable!
244
00:12:25,011 --> 00:12:26,513
You two guys should
be sentenced to life
245
00:12:26,547 --> 00:12:28,081
in front of
a firing squad.
246
00:12:28,114 --> 00:12:30,016
Really? We got
over 50 orders
247
00:12:30,050 --> 00:12:31,952
if we can turn it
into an album.
248
00:12:31,985 --> 00:12:33,820
Somethin' the matter
with your mouth, Henry?
249
00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:35,388
Yeah, there's somethin'
the matter with my mouth.
250
00:12:35,421 --> 00:12:38,024
I got a temporary
filling in a tooth
that's killing me!
251
00:12:38,058 --> 00:12:40,393
Why don't we go to
my dentist in Detroit?
252
00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:43,997
Boy, you guys just
don't get it, do you?
253
00:12:44,030 --> 00:12:45,799
Look, the party
is over!
254
00:12:45,832 --> 00:12:48,368
Now, I'm holding you both
directly responsible
255
00:12:48,401 --> 00:12:51,838
for this unit losing
a fair but competent
general surgeon,
256
00:12:51,872 --> 00:12:53,373
and now
its head nurse!
257
00:12:53,406 --> 00:12:55,108
Hot Lips is leaving?
258
00:12:55,141 --> 00:12:57,544
She says she's been
publicly humiliated.
259
00:12:57,578 --> 00:12:59,145
Well, she has.
260
00:12:59,179 --> 00:13:00,146
And to think of all
the times I offered
261
00:13:00,180 --> 00:13:01,447
to humiliate
her privately!
262
00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:04,050
Boy, you guys
are impossible!
263
00:13:04,084 --> 00:13:06,553
Well, fire us, Henry!
Fire us!
264
00:13:06,587 --> 00:13:08,421
Listen, big shot,
265
00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:10,524
I'm gonna do
more than that.
266
00:13:10,557 --> 00:13:12,358
I'm gonna do
more than that.
267
00:13:17,063 --> 00:13:18,965
What am I doing?
This is my office.
268
00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:21,067
You guys, get out!
269
00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:33,914
Hawkeye?
270
00:13:33,947 --> 00:13:35,549
Hey, Hawk?
271
00:13:35,582 --> 00:13:38,118
If I open my eyes and
you're not a blonde pushover,
272
00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:39,586
you're in trouble.
273
00:13:39,620 --> 00:13:42,523
It's me, Radar.
You gotta get up
right away.
274
00:13:42,556 --> 00:13:45,191
One more word and I'll nail
your tongue to your nose!
275
00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:47,060
Well, I'm sorry.
It's the colonel's orders!
276
00:13:47,093 --> 00:13:49,863
Trapper, too.
You both have post‐op
duty this morning.
277
00:13:49,896 --> 00:13:51,164
‐Trapper?
‐What're you talking about?
278
00:13:51,197 --> 00:13:53,033
We just came off
post‐op duty!
279
00:13:53,066 --> 00:13:55,168
Get your hands off of me.
I'll clean off your glasses
280
00:13:55,201 --> 00:13:56,603
and you'll find out
where you are!
281
00:13:56,637 --> 00:13:58,171
Well, Colonel Blake
says that both of you guys
282
00:13:58,204 --> 00:14:00,173
from now are pulling
double duty
283
00:14:00,206 --> 00:14:02,643
till he replaces Major Burns
and Major Houlihan.
284
00:14:02,676 --> 00:14:04,545
Which, the way things
go in the army,
285
00:14:04,578 --> 00:14:06,613
could be about
10 o'clock next summer.
286
00:14:06,647 --> 00:14:08,081
(mocking laughter)
287
00:14:10,617 --> 00:14:12,118
He can't do that
to us.
288
00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:16,623
He'll wear us
to a frazzle.
289
00:14:16,657 --> 00:14:18,258
(exhaling)
290
00:14:18,291 --> 00:14:21,061
I think maybe we
finally went too far.
291
00:14:21,094 --> 00:14:23,296
You should've thought
of that before we started.
292
00:14:24,598 --> 00:14:26,867
I was too busy
going too far.
293
00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:37,243
(sighing)
I still don't know
what we're gonna do about Frank Burns.
294
00:14:37,277 --> 00:14:38,378
Gimme a minute.
295
00:14:38,411 --> 00:14:39,646
(metal clattering)
296
00:14:42,348 --> 00:14:44,017
Want a martini?
297
00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:45,986
No, thanks.
I just put one away.
298
00:14:56,129 --> 00:14:58,932
(laughing)
299
00:14:58,965 --> 00:15:00,433
What are you
laughin' at?
300
00:15:02,969 --> 00:15:06,106
I think I have what
just might be an idea.
301
00:15:06,139 --> 00:15:07,173
Yeah?
302
00:15:07,207 --> 00:15:10,043
Three of the basic
human emotions
303
00:15:10,076 --> 00:15:12,478
are greed, fear,
and greed.
304
00:15:12,513 --> 00:15:14,114
So?
305
00:15:14,147 --> 00:15:17,050
Frank Burns is
crazy about money.
306
00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:20,053
He married for money.
307
00:15:20,086 --> 00:15:21,421
He became a doctor
for money.
308
00:15:21,454 --> 00:15:22,956
If there was money
in dying,
309
00:15:22,989 --> 00:15:24,591
he'd throw himself under
a truck in a minute.
310
00:15:25,726 --> 00:15:27,293
All of which means what?
311
00:15:27,327 --> 00:15:29,162
Remember that story
Radar told us
312
00:15:29,195 --> 00:15:31,164
about there being
gold in Korea?
313
00:15:31,197 --> 00:15:32,999
Oh, Radar.
314
00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:34,701
He's got the IQ
of a house plant.
315
00:15:34,735 --> 00:15:37,437
Frank isn't much smarter.
316
00:15:37,470 --> 00:15:39,506
If he thought he could
get rich staying here,
317
00:15:39,540 --> 00:15:41,041
he'd never leave.
318
00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:47,380
Now, how about
a martini?
319
00:15:48,582 --> 00:15:50,183
I don't care how
drunk you make me.
320
00:15:50,216 --> 00:15:51,552
I'm not going
home with you.
321
00:15:55,756 --> 00:15:57,223
He must have some
around here someplace.
322
00:15:57,257 --> 00:15:59,560
Every dentist does.
323
00:15:59,593 --> 00:16:02,262
I don't know how
anyone can be a dentist.
324
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:06,099
Imagine keeping
your hand in a bunch
of wet mouths all day.
325
00:16:06,132 --> 00:16:08,001
Gives you
wrinkled fingers.
326
00:16:08,034 --> 00:16:09,169
‐Ugh.
‐Hey!
327
00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:14,107
That looks like
a gold filling.
328
00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:15,208
Perfect.
329
00:16:15,241 --> 00:16:16,442
Must be Henry's.
330
00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:17,578
If it is, it's
the only good thing
331
00:16:17,611 --> 00:16:19,479
that ever came out
of his mouth.
332
00:16:26,252 --> 00:16:28,288
Shh!
You'll wake him.
333
00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:30,456
How much gold do you
think we got tonight?
334
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:32,225
Ah, forget it,
he's still asleep.
335
00:16:34,094 --> 00:16:35,295
(tools clattering)
336
00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:37,063
How much gold do you
think we got tonight?
337
00:16:37,097 --> 00:16:38,599
I don't know, but we
found enough out there
338
00:16:38,632 --> 00:16:39,666
to buy Frank's
country club
339
00:16:39,700 --> 00:16:41,568
and have him thrown
out of it.
340
00:16:41,602 --> 00:16:44,270
In my wildest dreams,
I never thought I'd
be this rich.
341
00:16:44,304 --> 00:16:45,405
Let me buy you
a drink.
342
00:16:48,775 --> 00:16:50,777
Let's finish these
and go back to the creek
343
00:16:50,811 --> 00:16:52,178
and get some more.
344
00:16:52,212 --> 00:16:53,446
Don't be greedy.
345
00:16:53,479 --> 00:16:55,415
I'm putting mine
under my bed.
346
00:16:55,448 --> 00:16:57,483
Why not under my bunk?
347
00:16:57,518 --> 00:17:01,154
Stop pulling it!
You spilled some!
348
00:17:01,187 --> 00:17:02,388
Shh‐shh‐shh.
349
00:17:04,725 --> 00:17:07,460
Quiet, you'll
wake him up.
350
00:17:07,493 --> 00:17:09,763
Shh! Where are you
going with that?
351
00:17:09,796 --> 00:17:11,765
The First
National Latrine.
352
00:17:11,798 --> 00:17:13,667
Aren't you afraid
of being robbed?
353
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:16,069
You ever heard of
a latrine bein' robbed?
354
00:17:16,102 --> 00:17:18,104
I'm going with you.
355
00:17:22,809 --> 00:17:24,711
♪♪♪
356
00:17:53,907 --> 00:17:56,376
What'd I say?
357
00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:57,611
Were you talking?
358
00:17:57,644 --> 00:17:59,680
Oh, really, Frank.
359
00:17:59,713 --> 00:18:02,583
These rocks!
360
00:18:02,616 --> 00:18:06,219
Why'd you pick such
an awful rocky place
for a walk?
361
00:18:06,252 --> 00:18:07,721
Well, I just wanted
a last look around,
362
00:18:07,754 --> 00:18:09,155
you know, sort of
a sentimental journey,
363
00:18:09,189 --> 00:18:10,724
and I...
364
00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:12,492
It's so unlike you.
365
00:18:12,526 --> 00:18:13,860
You never liked
the outdoors.
366
00:18:16,797 --> 00:18:19,332
Well, that's ridiculous!
367
00:18:19,365 --> 00:18:21,267
I love the outdoors!
368
00:18:21,301 --> 00:18:22,368
Any time I'm
not indoors,
369
00:18:22,402 --> 00:18:23,469
that's where
you'll find me.
370
00:18:30,511 --> 00:18:32,112
OK, Mom.
371
00:19:01,341 --> 00:19:02,643
(metal clangs)
372
00:19:02,676 --> 00:19:04,645
Say what?
373
00:19:04,678 --> 00:19:05,879
Shh.
374
00:19:07,881 --> 00:19:09,516
It's all right, Radar.
375
00:19:09,550 --> 00:19:12,553
I... just wanted
to borrow something.
376
00:19:12,586 --> 00:19:14,588
Yes, sir.
377
00:19:30,604 --> 00:19:33,640
Do you, uh...
378
00:19:33,674 --> 00:19:35,709
always sleep with
a teddy bear?
379
00:19:35,742 --> 00:19:38,411
Well, not when
I'm on duty, sir.
380
00:19:45,819 --> 00:19:48,221
It's okay. It's okay.
381
00:19:49,389 --> 00:19:51,457
Bad man go away.
382
00:19:57,397 --> 00:20:00,834
(panting)
383
00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:03,937
If I dig one foot deeper,
I'll be AWOL.
384
00:20:24,057 --> 00:20:25,926
Gold!
385
00:20:25,959 --> 00:20:27,427
Gold!
386
00:20:29,863 --> 00:20:31,798
(manic laughter)
387
00:20:31,832 --> 00:20:33,834
Gold, gold!
388
00:20:37,804 --> 00:20:40,273
‐Colonel Blake, I have, uh‐‐
‐Oh, Frank, do you know what‐‐
389
00:20:41,675 --> 00:20:43,443
What happened to you?
390
00:20:43,476 --> 00:20:46,446
I, uh... fell down.
391
00:20:46,479 --> 00:20:50,016
Really?
How many times?
392
00:20:50,050 --> 00:20:51,484
I've got to talk
to you, sir.
393
00:20:51,518 --> 00:20:52,586
Not now, Frank.
394
00:20:52,619 --> 00:20:54,287
I just lost
a temporary filling
395
00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:58,424
and every time I suck air,
it's a new adventure in pain.
396
00:20:58,458 --> 00:21:00,894
I've decided
not to go, sir.
397
00:21:00,927 --> 00:21:03,530
Frank, if you think you're
gonna sleep here tonight,
398
00:21:03,564 --> 00:21:04,998
you're crazy.
399
00:21:05,031 --> 00:21:08,602
I mean, my transfer!
I want to stay!
400
00:21:08,635 --> 00:21:09,903
Oh, for cryin'
out loud, Frank!
401
00:21:09,936 --> 00:21:12,005
I went to a lot of trouble
to accommodate you!
402
00:21:12,038 --> 00:21:13,940
Well, tear them up!
Tear up my orders!
403
00:21:13,974 --> 00:21:15,341
I don't wanna go!
404
00:21:15,375 --> 00:21:16,476
What about Pierce
and McIntyre?
405
00:21:16,510 --> 00:21:18,311
Great guys!
Fun‐loving...
406
00:21:18,344 --> 00:21:19,913
‐A little‐‐ What?
‐Frank?
407
00:21:19,946 --> 00:21:21,682
You've been pushing
your stethoscope
408
00:21:21,715 --> 00:21:22,949
too far into your ears.
409
00:21:22,983 --> 00:21:25,085
I think it scratched
your brain.
410
00:21:25,118 --> 00:21:27,721
Well, think
whatever you like.
411
00:21:27,754 --> 00:21:30,390
But I don't want
to leave here.
412
00:21:30,423 --> 00:21:32,826
‐There it is!
‐Where?
413
00:21:32,859 --> 00:21:35,361
It's just right
under your foot.
414
00:21:39,633 --> 00:21:42,068
Is this your final
decision, Frank?
415
00:21:42,102 --> 00:21:46,673
Absolutely and
irrevocably, yes.
416
00:21:46,707 --> 00:21:47,974
I never want
to leave here.
417
00:21:48,008 --> 00:21:51,111
I'm yours, forever.
418
00:21:51,144 --> 00:21:53,446
I gotta tell you
something, Frank.
419
00:21:53,479 --> 00:21:56,316
I've gone to sleep
with happier thoughts.
420
00:22:00,521 --> 00:22:01,855
But, Frank,
I'm all packed!
421
00:22:01,888 --> 00:22:04,424
What do you mean,
we're not leaving?
422
00:22:04,457 --> 00:22:05,859
The colonel has
rescinded my orders.
423
00:22:05,892 --> 00:22:07,828
You'll just have
to unpack.
424
00:22:07,861 --> 00:22:09,763
I've said goodbye
to all the nurses.
425
00:22:09,796 --> 00:22:12,699
They even gave me
a farewell present.
426
00:22:12,733 --> 00:22:15,769
They must have spent
at least two dollars.
427
00:22:15,802 --> 00:22:18,071
Well, Margaret,
I can't leave now.
428
00:22:18,104 --> 00:22:19,840
Something's...
come up.
429
00:22:23,076 --> 00:22:25,011
Who is she, Frank?
430
00:22:25,045 --> 00:22:26,947
Who? Is who?
431
00:22:26,980 --> 00:22:29,783
You're seeing
another woman.
432
00:22:29,816 --> 00:22:30,917
Are you crazy?
433
00:22:30,951 --> 00:22:33,520
I'm a happily
married man.
434
00:22:33,554 --> 00:22:36,489
Frank, I don't
understand any of this.
435
00:22:36,523 --> 00:22:38,592
Oh, don't cry, Margaret.
436
00:22:38,625 --> 00:22:40,126
Ow.
437
00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:41,528
Or...
438
00:22:41,562 --> 00:22:43,429
go ahead, and I'll
dry your tears
439
00:22:43,463 --> 00:22:45,398
with a gold
handkerchief.
440
00:22:45,431 --> 00:22:48,535
‐What?
‐Gold, Margaret.
441
00:22:48,569 --> 00:22:51,104
There's a fortune
in gold out there.
442
00:22:52,539 --> 00:22:53,774
I've seen it!
443
00:22:53,807 --> 00:22:56,543
McIntyre and Pierce
have a whole bag of it!
444
00:22:57,611 --> 00:23:00,881
Wait a minute.
I smell a rat!
445
00:23:00,914 --> 00:23:04,417
No, two rats!
Two 14‐carat rats!
446
00:23:04,450 --> 00:23:06,920
Oh, no. No, no.
No‐no‐no‐no.
447
00:23:06,953 --> 00:23:09,189
Let me prove it to you.
448
00:23:09,222 --> 00:23:11,124
Come on.
449
00:23:16,697 --> 00:23:19,099
Morning, Major Burns.
Major Houlihan.
450
00:23:21,635 --> 00:23:24,871
The secret's out!
Come on!
451
00:23:32,112 --> 00:23:33,914
This way!
452
00:23:36,249 --> 00:23:39,920
You see? You see?
453
00:23:39,953 --> 00:23:42,623
MAN (on P. A.):
Attention, attention!
All personnel.
454
00:23:42,656 --> 00:23:45,826
Tonight's double
feature is "Greed"
455
00:23:45,859 --> 00:23:48,895
and "The Major was a Miner",
456
00:23:48,929 --> 00:23:53,800
starring Major Frank
"There‐Goes‐My‐Transfer" Burns.
457
00:24:23,697 --> 00:24:26,132
You did some good work
in there, Frank.‐You really did.
‐Hmph.
458
00:24:26,166 --> 00:24:28,234
We're sorry,
Frank.
459
00:24:28,268 --> 00:24:30,537
We really are.
460
00:24:30,571 --> 00:24:32,839
Well, sometimes
a joke can get way
beyond an apology.
461
00:24:32,873 --> 00:24:35,241
Frank, they're trying
to make amends.
462
00:24:35,275 --> 00:24:37,243
Well...
463
00:24:37,277 --> 00:24:39,145
We'll never try to
make you look foolish
again, Frank.
464
00:24:39,179 --> 00:24:41,114
Scout's honor.
465
00:24:44,618 --> 00:24:46,953
Well...
466
00:24:46,987 --> 00:24:48,622
Okay.
467
00:24:48,655 --> 00:24:50,957
I told you he
was a sweetheart.
468
00:24:52,258 --> 00:24:54,194
Oh!
What are you doing?
469
00:24:54,227 --> 00:24:55,529
Stop that!
470
00:24:55,562 --> 00:24:56,997
‐Pierce, let him go!
‐Wait your turn!
471
00:24:57,030 --> 00:24:59,099
Ugh!
You let him go!
472
00:24:59,132 --> 00:25:00,534
You mean this
isn't a nurse?
473
00:25:01,735 --> 00:25:03,737
How dare you!
474
00:25:06,940 --> 00:25:09,676
♪♪♪ (theme)
33816
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof