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1
00:00:03,804 --> 00:00:05,506
♪♪♪ (theme)
2
00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:52,786
(cards shuffling)
3
00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:03,730
Okay, sports fans, you
ready for the next hand?
4
00:01:03,764 --> 00:01:06,332
My last hand
was more like a foot.
5
00:01:06,366 --> 00:01:08,468
(laughing)
6
00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:11,371
I thought
that was funny.
7
00:01:11,404 --> 00:01:13,306
When you're winnin',
rigor mortis is funny.
8
00:01:13,339 --> 00:01:14,841
How about Ugly John?
9
00:01:14,875 --> 00:01:17,511
He's been playing the same
hand for the last hour.
10
00:01:17,544 --> 00:01:19,680
‐Winning or losing?
‐Little of each.
11
00:01:19,713 --> 00:01:20,814
Well, wake him up.
12
00:01:20,847 --> 00:01:22,315
No! Forget it.
13
00:01:22,348 --> 00:01:24,117
This is the first
I've enjoyed him.
14
00:01:24,150 --> 00:01:26,620
Open for 5.
15
00:01:26,653 --> 00:01:28,421
Call.
16
00:01:28,454 --> 00:01:29,523
I'm in, shorty.
17
00:01:29,556 --> 00:01:32,192
Stop makin' fun of my height!
18
00:01:32,225 --> 00:01:34,327
What height? You have
no height to make fun of.
19
00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:35,862
Go get some height.
We'll make fun of it.
20
00:01:38,298 --> 00:01:39,332
Hold it.
21
00:01:39,365 --> 00:01:42,402
Oh, he hears
them again.
22
00:01:42,435 --> 00:01:43,670
Choppers!
23
00:01:43,704 --> 00:01:45,739
Come on, the war's
back in the game.
24
00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:51,144
Hey, mateys, look!
Ace‐high flush!
25
00:01:51,177 --> 00:01:52,846
That was
two hours ago.
26
00:02:03,189 --> 00:02:04,791
Those cats in
the North really know
27
00:02:04,825 --> 00:02:06,492
how to break up
a poker game.
28
00:02:06,527 --> 00:02:07,861
UGLY JOHN:
They saved me money,
29
00:02:07,894 --> 00:02:09,796
but I hate
their methods.
30
00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:11,565
TRAPPER: Why don't we
have a war some time
31
00:02:11,598 --> 00:02:13,366
with blank ammunition?
32
00:02:13,399 --> 00:02:15,936
We tried it.
No casualties, no fun.
33
00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:17,804
There's too much chatter.
It's distracting.
34
00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:19,272
Especially, if you don't
know what you're doing.
35
00:02:19,305 --> 00:02:20,607
Pierce, do you mind?
36
00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:22,275
We've got five more
cases prepped and ready.
37
00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:24,410
Tell 'em there'll be an
hour wait for a table.
38
00:02:24,444 --> 00:02:26,279
Yeah, put 'em in the bar.
Sell 'em a drink.
39
00:02:26,312 --> 00:02:27,581
‐Clamp.
‐Clamp.
40
00:02:27,614 --> 00:02:29,415
I said clamp, clamp!
Come on, move it!
41
00:02:29,449 --> 00:02:31,585
Here you go, Frank.
Clamp.
42
00:02:31,618 --> 00:02:33,319
Colonel Blake,
did you see that?
43
00:02:33,353 --> 00:02:34,487
Yeah, he's a great hitter,
44
00:02:34,521 --> 00:02:35,789
but he's got a lousy arm.
45
00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:37,758
I don't need
your help, Pierce.
46
00:02:37,791 --> 00:02:39,225
You better check with
your patient on that.
47
00:02:40,627 --> 00:02:41,895
(chatter)
48
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:51,872
Psychologically,
that kind of eating
49
00:02:51,905 --> 00:02:54,340
indicates hostility,
aggression.
50
00:02:54,374 --> 00:02:55,842
Destructiveness.
51
00:02:55,876 --> 00:02:58,411
Why don't we get him
to eat North Korea?
52
00:02:58,444 --> 00:03:01,247
What he doesn't finish
he can take home
in a doggy bag.
53
00:03:01,281 --> 00:03:03,850
Do you mind?
54
00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:05,218
Give it some thought.
55
00:03:07,721 --> 00:03:09,690
Pierce, I want
to ask you a question.
56
00:03:09,723 --> 00:03:11,291
No, you may not
borrow my fork.
57
00:03:11,324 --> 00:03:13,259
Why do you
find it necessary
58
00:03:13,293 --> 00:03:15,228
to make my life
miserable in the OR?
59
00:03:15,261 --> 00:03:17,297
Maybe because
you're so consistent.
60
00:03:17,330 --> 00:03:19,666
Well. I'm just trying
to do my job.
61
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,635
You screwed up today,
like you do every other day.
62
00:03:21,668 --> 00:03:23,403
That's what I call consistent.
63
00:03:23,436 --> 00:03:25,606
Would you mind
telling me how I did?
64
00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:28,274
Frank, you're only
dignifying him.
65
00:03:28,308 --> 00:03:29,976
Which is more
than I would do for you.
66
00:03:30,010 --> 00:03:32,779
‐Well?
‐You think you're
the only one who's busy.
67
00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:35,849
You asked for help
three times today. Three.
68
00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:37,684
Give me some salt.
I still still taste this.
69
00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:39,520
And when you make a mistake,
70
00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:41,722
you're not smart enough
to admit it and start over.
71
00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:43,256
We're not here
to compensate for you.
72
00:03:43,289 --> 00:03:44,457
I'll buy that.
73
00:03:44,490 --> 00:03:46,326
‐Me, too.
‐Well, I don't buy it.
74
00:03:46,359 --> 00:03:47,427
Neither do I!
75
00:03:47,460 --> 00:03:49,830
It's a tie: 2 against 50.
76
00:03:49,863 --> 00:03:51,331
You're inconsiderate,
77
00:03:51,364 --> 00:03:52,699
insulting with your nurses,
78
00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:53,900
bloody arrogant,
79
00:03:53,934 --> 00:03:55,435
demanding,
distracting, and dumb!
80
00:03:56,503 --> 00:03:57,671
Wow.
81
00:03:57,704 --> 00:03:59,005
And those are
your good points.
82
00:03:59,039 --> 00:04:00,841
You're also
surgically incompetent.
83
00:04:00,874 --> 00:04:02,375
‐I'm‐‐
‐I wouldn't let you
84
00:04:02,408 --> 00:04:04,645
operate on me for dandruff!
85
00:04:04,678 --> 00:04:06,780
Oh, this is outrageous.
86
00:04:06,813 --> 00:04:08,348
You keep out of this.
Where was I?
87
00:04:08,381 --> 00:04:09,916
Surgically incompetent.
88
00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:11,885
Surgically incompetent, right.
89
00:04:11,918 --> 00:04:14,287
And, finally, you are a total
90
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,890
and definitive pain
in the gluteus maximus!
91
00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:19,359
Frank,
did you hear that?
92
00:04:19,392 --> 00:04:21,294
Would you like me
to translate?
93
00:04:21,327 --> 00:04:22,929
You can't talk
to me like that,
94
00:04:22,963 --> 00:04:24,464
not and get away with it!
95
00:04:24,497 --> 00:04:25,699
What're you gonna do?
Eat me?
96
00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:37,043
Ohh.
97
00:04:59,933 --> 00:05:01,301
RADAR:
Knock‐knock, sir.
98
00:05:03,003 --> 00:05:05,539
This better be important,
Radar.
99
00:05:05,572 --> 00:05:08,408
It's Major Houlihan, sir.
She's throwing a fit.
100
00:05:08,441 --> 00:05:10,644
Then give her
a distemper shot.
101
00:05:10,677 --> 00:05:12,646
I've gotta get some sleep.
102
00:05:12,679 --> 00:05:13,847
She says if you don't come,
103
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:15,682
she's gonna inform
General Clayton.
104
00:05:15,716 --> 00:05:17,918
20,000 miles from home,
105
00:05:17,951 --> 00:05:20,353
and I'm still
aggravated by a woman.
106
00:05:20,386 --> 00:05:23,123
Sometimes I think my wife
operates Major Houlihan
107
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,725
by remote control.
108
00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:26,092
What should I tell her, sir?
109
00:05:29,530 --> 00:05:31,565
You go right
to Major Houlihan,
110
00:05:31,598 --> 00:05:33,366
you set your jaw firmly,
111
00:05:33,399 --> 00:05:35,836
and you look into those cool,
killer eyes of hers,
112
00:05:35,869 --> 00:05:38,539
and you tell her
I'll be right there.
113
00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:41,441
Yes, sir.
114
00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:49,082
Hawkeye?
115
00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:51,585
Go away.
116
00:05:51,618 --> 00:05:53,053
Colonel Blake
wants to see you
117
00:05:53,086 --> 00:05:54,454
in his office right away.
118
00:05:54,487 --> 00:05:55,922
Tell him I died
119
00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:57,591
and didn't leave
a forwarding address.
120
00:05:58,892 --> 00:06:00,426
Hawkeye.
121
00:06:00,460 --> 00:06:01,528
Would you‐‐
122
00:06:10,003 --> 00:06:12,038
So typical.
123
00:06:12,072 --> 00:06:14,040
Colonel Blake calls
you into his office,
124
00:06:14,074 --> 00:06:15,842
and you chew him out.
125
00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:18,444
You woke me out of one of the
sexiest dreams of all time
126
00:06:18,478 --> 00:06:19,846
to discuss morale?
127
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:22,482
‐Pierce, morale is important.
‐Absolutely.
128
00:06:22,516 --> 00:06:24,484
But how can we discuss
something we don't have?
129
00:06:24,518 --> 00:06:26,119
We don't have any
130
00:06:26,152 --> 00:06:28,154
because of your
disruptive influence!
131
00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:29,956
‐I deny that.
‐It's true!
132
00:06:29,990 --> 00:06:31,658
Oh, in that case,
I admit it.
133
00:06:31,692 --> 00:06:33,627
The idea of reporting
to your commanding officer
134
00:06:33,660 --> 00:06:35,929
wearing nothing but a robe.
135
00:06:35,962 --> 00:06:37,998
Would you like me
to take it off?
136
00:06:38,031 --> 00:06:40,033
Pierce, that ruckus
you had with Frank
137
00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:42,168
has already spread
through the whole outfit.
138
00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:44,605
So what?
Everybody already knows
about old butterfingers.
139
00:06:44,638 --> 00:06:45,706
That's not news.
140
00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:47,941
Colonel,
if he continues,
141
00:06:47,974 --> 00:06:50,544
I'm going to file
a formal complaint.
142
00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:52,513
And I'll file
a counter‐complaint
143
00:06:52,546 --> 00:06:54,548
against Frank Burns'
impersonating a surgeon
144
00:06:54,581 --> 00:06:56,517
and masquerading
as a human being.
145
00:06:56,550 --> 00:06:57,984
He's impossible!
146
00:06:58,018 --> 00:06:59,920
See? Even she agrees.
147
00:06:59,953 --> 00:07:01,988
Pierce, I want you
to patch it up.
148
00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:03,524
There's nothing to patch up,
149
00:07:03,557 --> 00:07:05,158
unless Frank's been
operating again.
150
00:07:05,191 --> 00:07:06,960
He wants you
to apologize.
151
00:07:06,993 --> 00:07:10,063
In public, for the way
you insulted him.
152
00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:11,832
Apologize?
153
00:07:11,865 --> 00:07:13,199
Like "I'm sorry, Frank.
154
00:07:13,233 --> 00:07:14,901
You're a great guy
and a fine surgeon"?
155
00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:16,202
If I tried to say that,
156
00:07:16,236 --> 00:07:17,938
my tongue would
snap off its roller.
157
00:07:17,971 --> 00:07:19,673
‐Pierce‐‐
‐People have to be warned
158
00:07:19,706 --> 00:07:21,942
that Frank Burns
is dangerous with
sharp instruments
159
00:07:21,975 --> 00:07:23,710
like scalpels
and probes.
160
00:07:23,744 --> 00:07:26,112
Pierce, listen,
there is a war on.
161
00:07:26,146 --> 00:07:27,948
Nothing gets by you, Henry.
162
00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:31,552
See you in
the funny papers.
163
00:07:38,224 --> 00:07:40,927
Oh, boy, his kid needs more
than a new set of plugs.
164
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,128
Look at that.
165
00:07:42,162 --> 00:07:43,797
Iliac artery?
166
00:07:43,830 --> 00:07:46,032
Yeah. The lace‐curtain
effect's done
167
00:07:46,066 --> 00:07:47,901
by a fragmentation grenade.
168
00:07:49,202 --> 00:07:50,637
Gimme some suction here.
169
00:07:50,671 --> 00:07:51,705
Suction.
170
00:07:53,607 --> 00:07:54,675
What's the score, John?
171
00:07:54,708 --> 00:07:56,009
He's doing pretty well,
172
00:07:56,042 --> 00:07:57,578
considering what
you're doing to him.
173
00:08:00,013 --> 00:08:01,982
Okay, the bleeding
seems to have stopped.
174
00:08:02,015 --> 00:08:03,750
‐Let me have that bonecutter.
‐Right.
175
00:08:03,784 --> 00:08:04,785
Bonecutter.
176
00:08:11,257 --> 00:08:14,194
Interior vertebral
body is fractured.
177
00:08:14,227 --> 00:08:16,162
I'm going to go in
after that big fragment.
178
00:08:16,196 --> 00:08:17,698
‐Forceps.
‐Forceps.
179
00:08:26,873 --> 00:08:28,775
Do you think
he'll be paralyzed?
180
00:08:28,809 --> 00:08:31,978
Not if these ten fingers
haven't lost their magic.
181
00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:38,084
There we are, folks.
182
00:08:38,118 --> 00:08:40,821
‐"Made in USA." ‐You're joking.
183
00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:42,856
Just wanted to see
if you were awake.
184
00:08:47,293 --> 00:08:48,795
Private Thompson?
185
00:08:48,829 --> 00:08:50,831
You did him yesterday.
186
00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:53,934
Multiple fragment wounds.
Lacerated iliac artery.
187
00:08:53,967 --> 00:08:55,802
So what's his problem?
188
00:08:55,836 --> 00:08:57,270
Outside of the fact that
he ought to be back home
189
00:08:57,303 --> 00:08:58,839
with his girlfriend
at the movies.
190
00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:01,041
Oh, he has a fever,
abdominal pain...
191
00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:03,977
urinary output
50cc an hour.
192
00:09:04,010 --> 00:09:07,180
Pulse rate 112,
blood pressure 110 over 70.
193
00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:09,950
I've heard better news
in my time.
194
00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:11,251
Hiya.
195
00:09:11,284 --> 00:09:13,319
This is Dr Pierce.
He operated on you.
196
00:09:13,353 --> 00:09:14,621
Hi, Doc.
197
00:09:14,655 --> 00:09:16,723
‐How's it goin'?
‐Lousy.
198
00:09:16,757 --> 00:09:18,124
Well, that figures.
199
00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:19,893
You were on the table
a long time.
200
00:09:19,926 --> 00:09:21,828
People were beginning to think
we were going steady.
201
00:09:21,862 --> 00:09:23,730
My gut hurts.
202
00:09:23,764 --> 00:09:25,732
Yeah.
203
00:09:25,766 --> 00:09:27,267
Okay, I'll be right back.
204
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:29,703
Don't run off and re‐enlist.
205
00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:31,872
‐What's his temperature?
‐101.
206
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,339
Oh, terrific.
207
00:09:33,373 --> 00:09:35,308
Hey, how about a little
golf this afternoon?
208
00:09:35,341 --> 00:09:37,277
After the mortar
barrage last night,
209
00:09:37,310 --> 00:09:38,912
we got a 19th and 20th hole.
210
00:09:38,945 --> 00:09:40,346
No, I can't.
211
00:09:40,380 --> 00:09:41,915
Start him on IV penicillin.
212
00:09:41,948 --> 00:09:43,316
He may be developing
a wound infection.
213
00:09:43,349 --> 00:09:44,618
Right.
214
00:09:44,651 --> 00:09:46,152
And I want to get
a blood count,
215
00:09:46,186 --> 00:09:47,721
so bring me the tubes,
right away, okay?
216
00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:48,722
Yes, sir.
217
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:49,956
Somebody
double‐cross ya?
218
00:09:49,990 --> 00:09:51,291
Yeah, that kid over there.
219
00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:53,393
Yesterday I repaired
a hole in his Iliac artery.
220
00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:55,896
I removed a large fragment
near his spinal cord.
221
00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:58,098
Hmm? Penetrate the dura?
222
00:09:58,131 --> 00:09:59,132
No.
223
00:09:59,165 --> 00:10:00,867
And no sign of paralysis.
224
00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:03,136
Hmm?
So what's the problem?
225
00:10:03,169 --> 00:10:05,338
Well, he's got a
temperature of 101.
226
00:10:05,371 --> 00:10:08,408
Well, that
could be just a normal
post‐operative reaction.
227
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:10,210
Penicillin might
bring him around.
228
00:10:10,243 --> 00:10:11,812
Yeah, but "might"
isn't good enough.
229
00:10:11,845 --> 00:10:13,346
I want to be sure of it.
230
00:10:13,379 --> 00:10:15,315
See ya at the movies
later?
231
00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:17,217
What's playing?
232
00:10:17,250 --> 00:10:19,986
Bride of the Gorilla
and Bonzo Goes to College.
233
00:10:21,822 --> 00:10:23,256
I think I'll wait for
the books to come out.
234
00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:25,158
Okay. It's your loss.
235
00:10:27,027 --> 00:10:28,328
Hey.
236
00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:29,996
Good luck with the kid.
237
00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:35,068
TRAPPER:
How's the chicken, Radar?
238
00:10:35,101 --> 00:10:38,004
Beautiful.
Is that what it is?
239
00:10:38,038 --> 00:10:40,206
I think the same people
who make the camouflage
240
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:41,307
make the gravy.
241
00:10:42,909 --> 00:10:44,277
Hey, how's Thompson?
242
00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:47,347
Still downhill.
243
00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:48,949
His white blood count 18,000,
244
00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:50,884
temperature up to 102.
245
00:10:50,917 --> 00:10:53,019
He may be developing
an abscess.
246
00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:55,188
Isn't Tompson the boy
we worked on together?
247
00:10:55,221 --> 00:10:56,923
He's falling apart on me.
248
00:10:56,957 --> 00:10:59,893
I can't believe it.
I just can't believe it.
249
00:10:59,926 --> 00:11:01,094
Keep out of this, Frank.
250
00:11:01,127 --> 00:11:02,996
Well, what went wrong,
Super Surgeon?
251
00:11:03,029 --> 00:11:05,465
Operating with
one hand tied behind
your back again, hmm?
252
00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:09,335
Hey, Frank, why
don't you let that cut
under your nose heal?
253
00:11:09,369 --> 00:11:11,337
Just play kneesies
with Big Mama.
254
00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:12,839
Forget I'm here.
255
00:11:12,873 --> 00:11:14,908
Why not give us
the whole story?
256
00:11:14,941 --> 00:11:16,076
You shot your mouth off
257
00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:17,277
with no trouble here
last night.
258
00:11:17,310 --> 00:11:18,912
Put a lid on it,
Frank.
259
00:11:18,945 --> 00:11:20,413
Was it something you did
or something you didn't do
260
00:11:20,446 --> 00:11:22,282
or something you
forgot to do, or, uh...
261
00:11:22,315 --> 00:11:23,850
Get off me!
262
00:11:23,884 --> 00:11:25,852
Last night I was
Mr. Screw‐up, remember?
263
00:11:25,886 --> 00:11:27,854
Dr. Screw‐up!
And it still goes!
264
00:11:27,888 --> 00:11:29,322
Oh, really?
265
00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:31,457
Well, I haven't killed
anybody this week.
266
00:11:31,491 --> 00:11:33,226
What about you, big shot?
267
00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:36,930
(shouting)
268
00:11:36,963 --> 00:11:38,464
NURSE:
Hit him, Pierce!
269
00:11:38,498 --> 00:11:40,734
‐Come here, Frank!
‐I don't care!
270
00:11:40,767 --> 00:11:42,803
MARGARET:
Stop it! Stop it!
271
00:11:42,836 --> 00:11:44,470
(shouting continues)
272
00:11:44,505 --> 00:11:46,106
Stop it!
273
00:11:47,774 --> 00:11:48,942
I'll kill him!
274
00:11:48,975 --> 00:11:50,410
You'll have to
kill me first!
275
00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:52,278
That's the best offer
I've had today!
276
00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:35,288
We didn't need the bed,
so I didn't disturb him.
277
00:12:35,321 --> 00:12:37,190
Well, he didn't get back
to the Swamp last night,
278
00:12:37,223 --> 00:12:38,825
so I figured he
got a better offer.
279
00:12:38,859 --> 00:12:40,060
No such luck.
280
00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:42,028
You fell asleep.
281
00:12:42,062 --> 00:12:44,130
No kidding. I figured
that when I woke up.
282
00:12:44,164 --> 00:12:46,066
Do you often make
house calls like this?
283
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:47,868
Only for some patients.
284
00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:49,536
Oh, patients‐‐
285
00:12:49,570 --> 00:12:50,904
What happened?
How's he doin'?
286
00:12:50,937 --> 00:12:52,906
Last night's box score.
287
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:58,512
Oh, damn it,
he's not gettin' anywhere.
288
00:12:58,545 --> 00:13:01,147
He's falling back
in some ways.
289
00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:03,449
All right, same
orders, Lieutenant.
290
00:13:03,483 --> 00:13:05,886
No change. Keep a close
watch on him.
291
00:13:05,919 --> 00:13:07,320
I'll be back
in a little while.
292
00:13:07,353 --> 00:13:08,288
Okay.
293
00:13:27,207 --> 00:13:28,575
Hi.
294
00:13:28,609 --> 00:13:29,576
Hi.
295
00:13:35,549 --> 00:13:37,117
How's Thompson?
296
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:39,553
Is that the only question
anyone can ask me?
297
00:13:39,586 --> 00:13:41,387
Well, what's
wrong with that?
298
00:13:43,356 --> 00:13:45,391
It reminds me that I'm
nowhere with that case,
299
00:13:45,425 --> 00:13:46,960
and it's driving me buggy.
300
00:13:46,993 --> 00:13:48,595
So please don't ask!
301
00:13:48,629 --> 00:13:50,363
Okay, I won't.
302
00:13:50,396 --> 00:13:51,865
He's about the same.
303
00:13:54,535 --> 00:13:56,537
How 'bout some
poker tonight?
304
00:13:56,570 --> 00:13:58,338
I got the missus
to send me a check
305
00:13:58,371 --> 00:13:59,606
made out to you,
306
00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:01,141
just to make
things easier.
307
00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:02,408
I don't think so.
308
00:14:02,442 --> 00:14:04,611
You're no fun at all.
309
00:14:04,645 --> 00:14:06,913
Go shower with the nurses!
310
00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:13,319
Ace‐king,
possible straight,
311
00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:14,454
pair of twos,
312
00:14:14,487 --> 00:14:16,590
and a paregoric.
313
00:14:16,623 --> 00:14:18,191
I'll check
to the ace‐king.
314
00:14:18,224 --> 00:14:19,225
Likewise.
315
00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:20,293
Five dollars.
316
00:14:21,394 --> 00:14:22,596
I'm out.
317
00:14:22,629 --> 00:14:24,130
I call.
318
00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:26,567
Last card.
319
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:28,168
Down and dirty.
320
00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:31,905
How much can I bet?
321
00:14:31,938 --> 00:14:34,875
Last card, 20 bucks.
322
00:14:36,610 --> 00:14:39,379
Well, if I can only
bet 20 bucks.
323
00:14:43,950 --> 00:14:44,785
Take it.
324
00:14:46,953 --> 00:14:49,255
‐What'd ya have?
‐I don't have to tell.
325
00:14:49,289 --> 00:14:50,557
How would you like
326
00:14:50,591 --> 00:14:52,526
to donate a pint of blood
through the nose?
327
00:14:52,559 --> 00:14:54,160
I didn't have anything.
328
00:14:54,194 --> 00:14:55,629
Just ace high,
that's all.
329
00:14:55,662 --> 00:14:57,564
You didn't have a pair
or, uh, a straight
330
00:14:57,598 --> 00:14:59,099
‐or anything?
‐No.
331
00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:01,267
I threw away two tens!
332
00:15:01,301 --> 00:15:04,337
‐Who taught you to play poker?
‐You did!
333
00:15:04,370 --> 00:15:06,472
Don't think you're goin'
home when the war's over
334
00:15:06,507 --> 00:15:08,341
'cause you and I are stayin'
right here in Korea
335
00:15:08,374 --> 00:15:09,710
until I get even.
336
00:15:09,743 --> 00:15:11,945
Can't you guys do that somewhere
else?
337
00:15:11,978 --> 00:15:14,648
Why don't you do what you're
doing somewhere else?
338
00:15:14,681 --> 00:15:16,382
I'm not doing anything.
339
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:18,519
Well, you can do that
anywhere, can't you?
340
00:15:20,020 --> 00:15:21,487
For cryin' out loud.
341
00:15:21,522 --> 00:15:23,323
Come on, deal.
342
00:15:23,356 --> 00:15:25,358
Okay, five‐card draw,
jacks or better.
343
00:15:27,528 --> 00:15:29,563
‐RADAR: Sir?
‐Hmm?
344
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:31,297
Sir?
345
00:15:31,331 --> 00:15:34,334
Oh, please, Mildred.
I've had a tough day.
346
00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:37,170
No, it's Radar, sir.
347
00:15:37,203 --> 00:15:38,605
What's the matter?
Have we got casualties?
348
00:15:38,639 --> 00:15:40,240
Uh, no, sir.
349
00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:43,109
I was wondering if you could
look after this for me.
350
00:15:43,143 --> 00:15:45,679
I just won 800 bucks
in a poker game.
351
00:15:47,548 --> 00:15:50,684
You woke me for that,
Private O'Reilly?
352
00:15:50,717 --> 00:15:52,252
Corporal, sir.
353
00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:54,220
Nothing is forever,
Radar.
354
00:15:55,355 --> 00:15:57,157
Oh, I‐I'm sorry, sir.
355
00:15:57,190 --> 00:15:58,291
It's just that I'm worried.
356
00:15:58,324 --> 00:15:59,392
I'm afraid
someone'll rob me.
357
00:15:59,425 --> 00:16:01,595
Or the mice'll eat it.
358
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:04,097
You're trying to tell me
that you beat Captain Pierce
359
00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:05,331
playing poker?
360
00:16:05,365 --> 00:16:07,000
No, sir.
He moved out of the Swamp.
361
00:16:08,702 --> 00:16:10,504
‐He didn't.
‐Yes.
362
00:16:10,537 --> 00:16:12,005
He's terribly worried
363
00:16:12,038 --> 00:16:13,507
about this case of his
not getting better.
364
00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,076
Yeah.
365
00:16:16,109 --> 00:16:18,512
Will you look after
my money for me, sir?
366
00:16:18,545 --> 00:16:20,080
Yeah, only on
the condition
367
00:16:20,113 --> 00:16:22,015
that you never
wake me again.
368
00:16:22,048 --> 00:16:23,416
Well, it's a deal.
369
00:16:34,528 --> 00:16:36,697
(whispering)
I promise.
370
00:16:36,730 --> 00:16:38,799
He really moved
out of the Swamp?
371
00:16:38,832 --> 00:16:40,200
Yes, sir.
372
00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:46,072
Yeah?
373
00:16:46,106 --> 00:16:49,643
(whispering)
It's $803 exactly.
374
00:16:49,676 --> 00:16:51,244
Right.
375
00:16:55,749 --> 00:16:57,383
(knocking)
376
00:16:57,417 --> 00:16:59,285
Go away.
I gave at the office.
377
00:17:07,761 --> 00:17:10,531
I told you to leave
me alone, Trapper.
378
00:17:10,564 --> 00:17:12,232
It's me, you rat.
379
00:17:12,265 --> 00:17:13,433
Been lookin' for you
everywhere.
380
00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:15,068
What are you
doing here?
381
00:17:15,101 --> 00:17:16,436
Trying to think.
382
00:17:16,469 --> 00:17:18,138
Well, why didn't you
stay in the Swamp?
383
00:17:18,171 --> 00:17:19,472
I can't think
in that place.
384
00:17:19,506 --> 00:17:21,441
That place is an
upholstered cesspool.
385
00:17:21,474 --> 00:17:22,776
Between the bubbling
of the still,
386
00:17:22,809 --> 00:17:25,078
and the clicking
of the poker chips,
387
00:17:25,111 --> 00:17:27,080
I'm losing what's left
of the little mind I
came here with.
388
00:17:29,850 --> 00:17:31,251
Lose your whistle?
389
00:17:31,284 --> 00:17:32,485
(chuckling)
390
00:17:32,519 --> 00:17:34,087
It's Thursday.
391
00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:36,857
Well, it certainly
seems like Thursday.
392
00:17:36,890 --> 00:17:38,358
We have a date.
393
00:17:41,427 --> 00:17:43,196
I'm sorry. Not this Thursday.
394
00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:45,398
I got a case I just
can't get outta my mind.
395
00:17:45,431 --> 00:17:47,634
I'm not interested
in your mind at all.
396
00:17:50,637 --> 00:17:52,238
‐Honestly‐‐
‐Knock, knock.
397
00:17:53,674 --> 00:17:56,142
I, uh, whipped up a
little lubricating oil
398
00:17:56,176 --> 00:17:57,310
for the old brainbox.
399
00:17:57,343 --> 00:17:58,344
Trapper.
400
00:17:58,378 --> 00:18:00,180
Is the, uh, ahem,
401
00:18:00,213 --> 00:18:02,315
finding a new approach
to the problem?
402
00:18:02,348 --> 00:18:04,518
‐She was just leaving.
‐Not on my account.
403
00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:06,386
No, on mine.
404
00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:08,488
Trap, thanks for the booze,
405
00:18:08,522 --> 00:18:10,223
but I really do
want to be alone.
406
00:18:12,659 --> 00:18:14,695
What's going on here?!
407
00:18:14,728 --> 00:18:16,462
Just because I want
some privacy,
408
00:18:16,496 --> 00:18:18,364
there's everything in here but
the kitchen sink!
409
00:18:18,398 --> 00:18:19,766
‐What's in there?
‐Kitchen sink, sir.
410
00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:21,568
Out! Out!
411
00:18:21,602 --> 00:18:23,369
‐Forgive me.
‐If you say so.
412
00:18:23,403 --> 00:18:25,238
Have you seen
Bride of the Gorilla
413
00:18:25,271 --> 00:18:26,873
‐and Bonzo Goes to College?
‐No.
414
00:18:26,907 --> 00:18:28,809
Why don't we both
miss 'em together?
415
00:18:28,842 --> 00:18:31,845
You young people
just run along.
416
00:18:31,878 --> 00:18:34,147
I'll bring you
some coffee later.
417
00:18:37,250 --> 00:18:38,418
(knocking)
418
00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:40,654
There is absolutely
no one here!
419
00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:46,226
Um, Pierce,
I want to talk to you.
420
00:18:46,259 --> 00:18:47,828
Just take a number,
and sit down, Henry,
421
00:18:47,861 --> 00:18:49,530
although I'd
rather you didn't.
422
00:18:49,563 --> 00:18:52,232
I keep telling everybody
I want to be alone.
423
00:18:52,265 --> 00:18:53,834
I don't mind talking
to you, Henry,
424
00:18:53,867 --> 00:18:56,202
but wherever you are,
Radar's sure to follow.
425
00:18:56,236 --> 00:18:59,172
Well, he's at the movies.
We won't be interrupted.
426
00:18:59,205 --> 00:19:00,707
What you don't
seem to understand
427
00:19:00,741 --> 00:19:02,609
is that you are
already interrupting.
428
00:19:02,643 --> 00:19:04,678
‐Then I'll say it fast.
‐Start.
429
00:19:05,979 --> 00:19:07,814
Look, you're losing
perspective.
430
00:19:07,848 --> 00:19:09,550
You've got your guts in a knot
431
00:19:09,583 --> 00:19:11,785
because one patient
has gone sour.
432
00:19:11,818 --> 00:19:14,454
In an outfit
like this, that's bad.
433
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:15,822
I don't buy that.
434
00:19:15,856 --> 00:19:17,791
You don't buy it
because you're dedicated.
435
00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:18,925
Well, shouldn't I be?
436
00:19:18,959 --> 00:19:20,927
Depends...
437
00:19:20,961 --> 00:19:22,596
whether you're dedicated
to your patient
438
00:19:22,629 --> 00:19:23,496
or your ego.
439
00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:27,200
Henry, don't try to
practice psychiatry.
440
00:19:27,233 --> 00:19:28,935
It always gives you
a headache.
441
00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:32,272
Colonel Blake?
442
00:19:32,305 --> 00:19:33,740
Did I tell ya?
The sun came up
443
00:19:33,774 --> 00:19:35,441
and your three‐foot
shadow appeared.
444
00:19:35,475 --> 00:19:37,844
‐Sorry. Sir?
‐Radar, whatever it is,
it can wait.
445
00:19:37,878 --> 00:19:39,546
Oh, sir, could you just
sign these, please?
446
00:19:39,580 --> 00:19:41,782
‐Can't these wait?
‐Henry, sign it!
447
00:19:41,815 --> 00:19:44,350
It's so next week we can
get Love Life of a Gorilla
448
00:19:44,384 --> 00:19:46,520
and Bedtime for Bonzo.
449
00:19:46,553 --> 00:19:48,655
What would you take
to desert?
450
00:19:50,657 --> 00:19:52,626
I'm leaving,
I'm leaving.
451
00:19:52,659 --> 00:19:54,695
But not before I tell you
452
00:19:54,728 --> 00:19:57,463
to give up the luxury of
trying to be Dr. Perfect
453
00:19:57,497 --> 00:19:59,666
in this‐‐ in this
GI butcher shop.
454
00:19:59,700 --> 00:20:01,502
You know, you can
save that luxury
455
00:20:01,535 --> 00:20:03,937
for when you go back home
to your private practice,
456
00:20:03,970 --> 00:20:05,772
where you can pick
the kind of patients
457
00:20:05,806 --> 00:20:07,407
that won't go sour on ya.
458
00:20:11,712 --> 00:20:14,414
‐You know something, Henry?
‐What?
459
00:20:14,447 --> 00:20:16,583
You're not nearly as dumb
as I thought you were.
460
00:20:16,617 --> 00:20:18,519
Thanks.
461
00:20:18,552 --> 00:20:21,287
‐You know something, Pierce?
‐What?
462
00:20:21,321 --> 00:20:23,790
You're disgusting
when you try to be nice.
463
00:20:23,824 --> 00:20:25,358
See you around.
464
00:20:51,885 --> 00:20:52,986
Captain Pierce.
465
00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:56,590
Taken to cruising
the compound, Major?
466
00:20:56,623 --> 00:20:59,593
Can't you put your hostility
aside for one minute?
467
00:20:59,626 --> 00:21:02,328
Oh, all right. I'll stack
it on top of my anger.
468
00:21:02,362 --> 00:21:04,665
I've been thinking
about Thompson.
469
00:21:04,698 --> 00:21:05,866
Welcome to the club.
470
00:21:05,899 --> 00:21:09,570
Sort of going over it
in my mind, and...
471
00:21:10,971 --> 00:21:13,406
Well, is it possible
you missed something?
472
00:21:13,439 --> 00:21:15,509
I'm not trying
to be a wise guy.
473
00:21:15,542 --> 00:21:16,843
That I missed something
474
00:21:16,877 --> 00:21:18,078
is not exactly
a new thought.
475
00:21:18,111 --> 00:21:19,646
But what?
476
00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:21,648
There were an awful
lot of fragments.
477
00:21:21,682 --> 00:21:23,083
You couldn't account
for every one of them.
478
00:21:23,116 --> 00:21:24,450
I thought I did.
479
00:21:26,086 --> 00:21:28,054
Look, there could've been
more damage, but where?
480
00:21:28,088 --> 00:21:30,456
Could it have nicked
the small intestine?
481
00:21:30,490 --> 00:21:32,358
Impossible.
482
00:21:32,392 --> 00:21:34,094
I couldn't have
missed that.
483
00:21:34,127 --> 00:21:38,364
I ran‐‐ I ran the bowel
before I closed him up.
484
00:21:38,398 --> 00:21:40,033
What about,
what about the‐‐
485
00:21:40,066 --> 00:21:41,502
No, come on,
look, just‐‐
486
00:21:41,535 --> 00:21:42,969
You were‐‐ you were
just assisting.
487
00:21:43,003 --> 00:21:44,505
I ran the controls.
I ought to know.
488
00:21:44,538 --> 00:21:46,006
Well, you obviously don't.
489
00:21:46,039 --> 00:21:48,074
Oh, and I'll just hang
a diploma in the latrine
490
00:21:48,108 --> 00:21:49,543
and open a hotdog stand!
491
00:21:50,911 --> 00:21:52,513
Good night, Major.
492
00:21:54,548 --> 00:21:55,582
Good night.
493
00:22:04,958 --> 00:22:06,326
Hey.
494
00:22:08,494 --> 00:22:09,563
Hey!
495
00:22:11,431 --> 00:22:12,999
Hey, hey!
496
00:22:20,173 --> 00:22:22,142
Hey, wake up!
Come on, wake up.
497
00:22:22,175 --> 00:22:24,945
Let's go! Open the door!
498
00:22:24,978 --> 00:22:26,813
‐What's the matter?
‐I'm opening him up again!
499
00:22:26,847 --> 00:22:28,682
‐What? ‐You're going to assist
me.
500
00:22:28,715 --> 00:22:30,651
‐But wait till I
get some clothes on.
‐Later.
501
00:22:30,684 --> 00:22:32,052
Go wake up Ugly John
and get somebody
to prep Thompson.
502
00:22:32,085 --> 00:22:33,419
‐Come on! Move!
‐Wait!
503
00:22:33,453 --> 00:22:34,655
Can't it wait till morning?
504
00:22:34,688 --> 00:22:36,389
I said now. Move!
505
00:22:41,795 --> 00:22:42,829
(gasping)
506
00:22:42,863 --> 00:22:43,864
Sorry, Frank.
507
00:22:53,940 --> 00:22:55,475
Let me have some
suction here.
508
00:22:55,509 --> 00:22:57,811
‐Suction.
‐Gimme a lap sponge.
509
00:22:57,844 --> 00:22:58,912
Lap sponge.
510
00:23:00,514 --> 00:23:02,015
‐Anything? ‐Not yet.
511
00:23:03,216 --> 00:23:06,486
Pick up some scissors.
512
00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:07,954
‐These okay?
‐Yeah, fine.
513
00:23:09,590 --> 00:23:11,958
‐How's he doin'?
‐Pretty good.
514
00:23:11,992 --> 00:23:14,628
But don't muck about.
He's got a high fever.
515
00:23:14,661 --> 00:23:16,462
Right, Doctor.
516
00:23:20,233 --> 00:23:21,434
Lap sponge.
517
00:23:23,837 --> 00:23:25,706
Sponge.
518
00:23:35,248 --> 00:23:36,917
Bingo!
519
00:23:36,950 --> 00:23:40,486
The shrapnel tore the back
of the sigmoid colon.
520
00:23:40,521 --> 00:23:42,055
That has to be it.
521
00:23:42,088 --> 00:23:44,157
Anybody could've missed that.
522
00:23:46,259 --> 00:23:47,460
Thanks, Frank.
523
00:23:50,496 --> 00:23:51,998
Okay, let's close him up.
524
00:23:56,169 --> 00:23:57,938
I'm so glad, Hawkeye.
525
00:24:07,180 --> 00:24:09,015
‐You know something, Major?
‐What that?
526
00:24:09,049 --> 00:24:10,651
You're beautiful
when you sweat.
527
00:24:20,193 --> 00:24:22,495
What do you mean,
this is no longer my bunk?
528
00:24:22,529 --> 00:24:24,631
Wait a minute, pal.
You spent two nights away,
529
00:24:24,665 --> 00:24:27,200
and this Captain Phillips
moved in. That's it.
530
00:24:27,233 --> 00:24:30,737
Hey, Trap. You're talkin' to
one of the founding fathers.
531
00:24:30,771 --> 00:24:32,573
I named this dump.
532
00:24:32,606 --> 00:24:34,841
I threw the first load
of garbage on the floor.
533
00:24:34,875 --> 00:24:37,243
‐Sorry.
‐Sorry, my butt!
534
00:24:37,277 --> 00:24:39,680
Lafayette, I am here!
535
00:24:43,684 --> 00:24:45,218
Hey, you know somethin'?
536
00:24:46,820 --> 00:24:48,789
When I see you
sitting there like that
537
00:24:48,822 --> 00:24:50,691
in your favorite chair,
538
00:24:50,724 --> 00:24:54,027
with a glass of raw
spirits in your hand,
539
00:24:54,060 --> 00:24:56,296
thinking evil thoughts,
540
00:24:56,329 --> 00:24:58,765
I can't throw you out.
541
00:24:58,799 --> 00:25:00,901
If you kiss me,
I'll throw up.
542
00:25:06,740 --> 00:25:09,543
♪♪♪ (theme)
37753
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