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1
00:00:02,869 --> 00:00:05,471
♪♪♪ (theme)
2
00:01:07,167 --> 00:01:09,235
‐Oh, okay. Bye.
‐Nice to meet you.
3
00:01:13,540 --> 00:01:15,441
‐Good morning, Radar.
‐Hi, Father.
4
00:01:15,475 --> 00:01:18,344
I, uh, thought you might
bet the football pool.
5
00:01:18,378 --> 00:01:20,113
For, uh, ten bucks,
this time tomorrow
6
00:01:20,146 --> 00:01:22,182
you could be
$1,000 richer.
7
00:01:22,215 --> 00:01:25,251
All the wealth I want,
you can find in here.
8
00:01:25,285 --> 00:01:27,821
Oh, is that where
you keep it?
9
00:01:27,854 --> 00:01:29,890
Little joke.
10
00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:31,324
Uh, listen, Father,
you know,
11
00:01:31,357 --> 00:01:32,759
you don't have
to write your name.
12
00:01:32,793 --> 00:01:34,528
You could just make
a little cross.
13
00:01:35,662 --> 00:01:37,097
Very well.
14
00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:43,770
Hey, Klinger, you wanna
get in on the pool?
15
00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:46,172
No, all I wanna do
is get out of the army.
16
00:01:46,206 --> 00:01:47,473
Just keep wearing
those dresses.
17
00:01:47,508 --> 00:01:48,775
They're not
gettin' me out.
18
00:01:48,809 --> 00:01:50,777
‐They're only
gettin' me whistles.
‐Uh‐huh.
19
00:02:00,854 --> 00:02:02,222
Henry, tune in
the game, will ya?
20
00:02:02,255 --> 00:02:04,190
Easy, will ya?
I'm trying!
21
00:02:04,224 --> 00:02:06,192
Henry's not very good
with his hands.
22
00:02:06,226 --> 00:02:07,460
That's why he
became a surgeon.
23
00:02:07,493 --> 00:02:09,395
Very funny.
24
00:02:09,429 --> 00:02:10,664
Hey, hey, I got it!
Here we go!
25
00:02:10,697 --> 00:02:13,567
Oh, oh, oh!
Woah, oh, oh.
26
00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:15,168
ALL:
Hey, hey, hey!
27
00:02:15,201 --> 00:02:16,402
MAN (on radio):
Nothing less than death
28
00:02:16,436 --> 00:02:17,838
will be reward for you
29
00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:20,541
American running dogs
of imperialism!
30
00:02:20,574 --> 00:02:22,809
He sure picked a funny way
to sell used cars.
31
00:02:24,410 --> 00:02:26,212
(changing stations, static)
32
00:02:26,246 --> 00:02:28,348
REPORTER:
And so, with less
than two minutes to go
33
00:02:28,381 --> 00:02:30,851
before the Army‐Navy
kickoff, we pause for‐‐
34
00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:32,953
(cheering)
35
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:35,288
Look, sir, $1,000!
36
00:02:35,321 --> 00:02:37,591
1,000 bucks?
37
00:02:37,624 --> 00:02:40,627
Don't nobody move.
This is a stick‐up!
38
00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:41,662
Maybe we'll forget
the stick‐up.
39
00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:43,730
I got a better idea.
40
00:02:43,764 --> 00:02:45,932
Am I late?
I had to change.
41
00:02:45,966 --> 00:02:47,433
If you think I'm
giving you my chair,
42
00:02:47,467 --> 00:02:49,670
you're crazy, lady.
43
00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:51,471
How about one
for the Gipper?
44
00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:53,239
Father, Notre Dame
is not playing.
45
00:02:53,273 --> 00:02:57,711
Oh, well, then what's all
the excitement about?
46
00:02:57,744 --> 00:03:00,847
REPORTER:
Navy, having won the toss,
has elected to receive.
47
00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:03,283
There's electric excitement
in the stands
48
00:03:03,316 --> 00:03:06,452
as we prepare to witness
this 53rd gridiron classic.
49
00:03:06,486 --> 00:03:08,722
‐Uh‐oh.
‐Quiet, Radar.
50
00:03:08,755 --> 00:03:10,957
Uh, sir, I think you better
forget about the game.
51
00:03:10,991 --> 00:03:13,226
‐Huh?
‐(explosion)
52
00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:16,863
Wow, that's close.
53
00:03:16,897 --> 00:03:19,533
That guy can really
kick a ball.
54
00:03:19,566 --> 00:03:21,502
More on the way!
55
00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:24,237
(explosions booming)
56
00:03:34,380 --> 00:03:35,849
(phone ringing)
57
00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:37,784
‐Check the hospital.
‐4077 MASH.
58
00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:39,686
‐Look after the bed cases first.
‐Yes, sir.
59
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:41,722
Have anyone who can
walk give you a hand.
60
00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:43,323
‐Oh, sir.
‐McIntyre‐‐
61
00:03:43,356 --> 00:03:44,758
Have Major Burns look
after the hospital.
62
00:03:44,791 --> 00:03:45,959
‐Have Major Burns‐‐
‐He'll work from here.
63
00:03:45,992 --> 00:03:48,729
Right.
I'll work from here.
64
00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:50,631
‐Radar, who was on the phone?
‐Regimental Headquarters, sir.
65
00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:53,266
(explosion)
66
00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:58,739
They just want us to
know that we're under
enemy attack.
67
00:03:58,772 --> 00:04:00,941
They don't miss a trick.
68
00:04:00,974 --> 00:04:02,375
Also, the navy fumbled.
69
00:04:02,408 --> 00:04:04,611
The army's got
the ball on the 35.
70
00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:07,781
Terrific. For a minute,
I thought we were in trouble.
71
00:04:07,814 --> 00:04:09,449
(explosions)
72
00:04:09,482 --> 00:04:10,917
What the...
73
00:04:14,020 --> 00:04:15,589
Regimental Headquarters,
please.
74
00:04:15,622 --> 00:04:17,023
Radar, get me
Regimental Headquarters.
75
00:04:17,057 --> 00:04:18,892
See if they can't take
some heat off us.
76
00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:19,993
I'm with you.
77
00:04:20,026 --> 00:04:21,895
Pierce?
78
00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:23,429
Are you scared?
79
00:04:23,463 --> 00:04:24,497
Don't be silly.
80
00:04:24,531 --> 00:04:25,566
I'm too frightened
to be scared.
81
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,333
(explosions booming)
82
00:04:37,878 --> 00:04:39,680
‐Doc?
‐Yeah?
83
00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:41,548
How come my nurse
needs a shave?
84
00:04:45,519 --> 00:04:47,888
Frank, you're magnificent
in the face of danger.
85
00:04:47,921 --> 00:04:49,389
I know.
86
00:04:49,422 --> 00:04:51,057
Excuse me.
87
00:04:51,091 --> 00:04:53,560
You haven't seen
my crucifix, have you?
88
00:04:53,594 --> 00:04:56,029
Someone yanked it off,
trying to break their fall.
89
00:04:56,062 --> 00:04:57,831
No, Father.
90
00:04:57,864 --> 00:04:59,099
‐Who's winning the game?
‐I dunno.
91
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,801
We temporarily
lost our country.
92
00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:02,368
Doctor!
93
00:05:05,672 --> 00:05:06,873
(explosion booming)
94
00:05:09,710 --> 00:05:12,045
‐Are we dead?
‐Feels like heaven to me.
95
00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:15,516
RADAR: Gangway!
96
00:05:15,549 --> 00:05:17,083
Headquarters?
97
00:05:17,117 --> 00:05:18,852
I can't hear you.
Speak up, will you?
98
00:05:18,885 --> 00:05:19,986
Fragments came
through the office.
99
00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:21,555
Is that you, Mildred?
100
00:05:21,588 --> 00:05:23,089
I'm going to be
a little late, dear.
101
00:05:23,123 --> 00:05:25,125
Trapper, check him out,
will ya?
102
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:27,528
‐Come on, Henry.
‐Hello? Operator,
we've been cut off.
103
00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:29,362
‐Hello?
‐What did headquarters say?
104
00:05:29,395 --> 00:05:30,597
‐We never got through.
‐Let's try again.
105
00:05:30,631 --> 00:05:31,732
‐Come on.
‐All right.
106
00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:33,634
Uh, just a moment,
Pierce.
107
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,836
With Henry in that condition,
I'm in charge here.
108
00:05:35,869 --> 00:05:37,804
Okay, Frank, go slip
into your crown and robe
109
00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:39,005
and you tell us
what to do!
110
00:05:39,039 --> 00:05:41,107
All right.
111
00:05:41,141 --> 00:05:43,544
‐Well?
‐Well, give me a minute.
112
00:05:43,577 --> 00:05:45,712
I'm not sure
we've got one!
113
00:05:45,746 --> 00:05:48,048
They're shelling our ears
off from both sides!
114
00:05:48,081 --> 00:05:49,482
(bomb whistling)
115
00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:50,551
Get down!
116
00:05:50,584 --> 00:05:51,952
Hello?
117
00:05:51,985 --> 00:05:54,454
(thudding)
118
00:05:57,624 --> 00:05:58,592
Stay down.
119
00:06:00,627 --> 00:06:02,128
Stay down?
120
00:06:02,162 --> 00:06:04,765
Either something that was
supposed to happen didn't,
121
00:06:04,798 --> 00:06:06,600
or something that didn't
is gonna!
122
00:06:06,633 --> 00:06:08,935
And if it does,
down is gonna be up!
123
00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:10,804
Hello?
124
00:06:10,837 --> 00:06:12,873
There's an unexploded
shell out there.
125
00:06:12,906 --> 00:06:15,041
We know, Frank.
We know.
126
00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:17,410
We've got to evacuate
immediately!
127
00:06:17,443 --> 00:06:18,945
I think I did.
128
00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:24,985
Operator,
we've been cut off.
129
00:06:25,018 --> 00:06:26,452
Hello?
130
00:06:26,486 --> 00:06:28,955
Hello? Hel‐‐ Yes, yes.
Please hold.
131
00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:30,456
Uh, Hawkeye, uh,
Regimental Headquarters,
132
00:06:30,490 --> 00:06:32,025
Colonel Hersh.
133
00:06:32,058 --> 00:06:33,760
‐Was that a‐‐
‐Yeah, yeah, yeah,
don't panic.
134
00:06:33,794 --> 00:06:35,796
I'm doing that for everybody.
Go help inside.
135
00:06:35,829 --> 00:06:36,797
Hello, Colonel.
136
00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:38,498
Captain Pierce,
4077th MASH.
137
00:06:38,532 --> 00:06:41,467
‐Can you speak up?
‐(game on radio playing)
138
00:06:41,502 --> 00:06:43,169
HAWKEYE:
Hello?
139
00:06:43,203 --> 00:06:45,539
‐Hello?
‐Look, you're gonna
have to speak up.
140
00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:47,173
It's hard to hear
with the game on.
141
00:06:47,207 --> 00:06:49,209
(explosions booming)
142
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:52,579
Listen, we got a little
game of our own.
143
00:06:52,613 --> 00:06:54,881
Not only are we pinned
down by enemy fire,
144
00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:57,117
we just got an unexploded bomb
right in the middle
of the compound,
145
00:06:57,150 --> 00:06:58,484
and everybody's waiting
for the kickoff.
146
00:06:58,519 --> 00:06:59,820
Steady, Captain.
147
00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:01,121
It's emergencies
like this that separate
148
00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:02,789
the men from the boys.
149
00:07:02,823 --> 00:07:04,658
I'm sure it will.
150
00:07:04,691 --> 00:07:06,727
First of all,
you're to stay put.
151
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,062
Your whole sector is
being hit very heavily.
152
00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:10,063
What about the bomb?
153
00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:11,164
You have to determine
154
00:07:11,197 --> 00:07:12,799
if the bomb is still ticking.
155
00:07:12,833 --> 00:07:14,234
You got any stethoscopes
around there?
156
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:17,103
We're a medical unit!
157
00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:21,241
Place your stethoscope
on the bomb... gently.
158
00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:24,244
Keep the vibrations
and the noise down
to a minimum.
159
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:26,747
I won't say anything
if it doesn't.
160
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:28,515
Check the outer casing
for any markings,
161
00:07:28,549 --> 00:07:30,584
you know, serial numbers.
162
00:07:30,617 --> 00:07:33,219
Then get back to me,
and I'll tell you how
to defuse it.
163
00:07:33,253 --> 00:07:34,921
Call me at half‐time,
will you, Captain?
164
00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:36,823
Certainly.
165
00:07:36,857 --> 00:07:38,825
If I don't hear from you,
I'll understand.
166
00:07:40,727 --> 00:07:43,597
Well, what did he say?
167
00:07:43,630 --> 00:07:46,733
He said if you follow
instructions, Frank,
you won't have any problems.
168
00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:48,669
If I follow?
Well, why me?
169
00:07:48,702 --> 00:07:50,671
You're in charge,
aren't you?
170
00:07:50,704 --> 00:07:52,238
Well, yes.
171
00:07:52,272 --> 00:07:54,074
The bomb has to be defused.
172
00:07:54,107 --> 00:07:56,109
That's not something
you can order another man
to do, is it?
173
00:07:56,142 --> 00:07:58,044
What's the scam?
174
00:07:58,078 --> 00:08:00,947
Just about to draw straws
to see who goes out
and defuses the bomb.
175
00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:03,216
Boy, do I know when
to come into a room.
176
00:08:05,051 --> 00:08:07,654
Short match goes out
and gives the bomb a physical.
177
00:08:10,924 --> 00:08:13,727
‐I'm a married man, you know.
‐So am I.
178
00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:14,961
I'm not.
179
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:16,997
You got more to live for
than either of us.
180
00:08:23,303 --> 00:08:24,538
Okay. Who bought it?
181
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:34,147
Just go out there
and write down all
the markings you can find.
182
00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:36,683
Most importantly, find out
if the bomb is still ticking.
183
00:08:38,151 --> 00:08:40,320
Good luck, buddy.
184
00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:41,755
Are you all right, Frank?
185
00:08:41,788 --> 00:08:43,256
Hmm?
186
00:08:43,289 --> 00:08:44,958
Oh, sure.
187
00:08:44,991 --> 00:08:47,127
I just need a moment
to compose myself...
188
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:48,762
always before a crisis.
189
00:08:52,232 --> 00:08:53,567
There.
190
00:08:58,304 --> 00:09:00,073
(body thuds)
191
00:09:06,813 --> 00:09:10,116
‐Odds or evens?
‐Evens.
192
00:09:17,357 --> 00:09:20,126
The little black tips,
they go in your ears.
193
00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:50,223
‐Radar!
‐Shh!
194
00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:51,992
Who are you shushing?
195
00:09:52,025 --> 00:09:53,193
What are you doing
walking around out here
196
00:09:53,226 --> 00:09:54,695
in your stocking feet?
197
00:09:54,728 --> 00:09:56,362
What, have you been
at the still again, right?
198
00:09:56,396 --> 00:09:58,899
‐I'm working on a bomb.
‐What kind of bomb?
199
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,801
An unexploded bomb.
200
00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:04,705
(whispering)
Oh, that kind of bomb.
201
00:10:14,414 --> 00:10:16,349
Well?
202
00:10:16,382 --> 00:10:18,785
The ticker's very faint.
203
00:10:21,054 --> 00:10:22,388
Not the bomb's‐‐ mine.
204
00:10:22,422 --> 00:10:24,357
The bomb is ticking away
loud and clear.
205
00:10:31,832 --> 00:10:33,900
The letters A, Able,
206
00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:37,070
F, Fox,
207
00:10:37,103 --> 00:10:42,175
S, Sugar, 72485.
208
00:10:42,208 --> 00:10:45,679
Then underneath,
three small circles
and a square.
209
00:10:45,712 --> 00:10:49,015
Are you sure, Colonel?
Those markings don't
check out at all.
210
00:10:49,049 --> 00:10:50,283
It's not a Russian bomb,
211
00:10:50,316 --> 00:10:52,886
Chinese, Polish, Czech‐‐
212
00:10:52,919 --> 00:10:54,888
Doesn't even belong to
the United States Army.
213
00:10:54,921 --> 00:10:56,723
Well, then what do we do?
214
00:10:56,757 --> 00:10:58,158
Try calling the navy.
215
00:10:58,191 --> 00:11:01,427
Why would the navy drop
a bomb on us?
216
00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:03,964
Because we're beating 'em
14 to nothing.
217
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:09,135
‐Radar!
‐I've put the call in, sir.
218
00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:11,004
We should have
Naval Operations
in a minute.
219
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:14,407
(knock on door)
220
00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:16,810
‐Father?
‐Yes.
221
00:11:19,312 --> 00:11:22,949
‐Yes?
‐Its me, Corporal Klinger.
222
00:11:22,983 --> 00:11:24,951
Why, Klinger!
223
00:11:24,985 --> 00:11:26,820
Surprised, huh, Father?
224
00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:28,989
First time you ever seen me
without a dress, right?
225
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:30,824
Exactly.
226
00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:33,994
Why, you're‐‐
You're a very
nice‐looking young man.
227
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:37,898
Not that you don't make
a very nice‐looking
young woman as well.
228
00:11:37,931 --> 00:11:40,300
I mean, you know,
when you wear‐‐
229
00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:43,737
Father, this is the suit
I was drafted in.
230
00:11:43,770 --> 00:11:45,739
I wasn't gonna wear it
till I got discharged.
231
00:11:45,772 --> 00:11:47,240
With that bomb out there,
232
00:11:47,273 --> 00:11:49,075
I figured I'd be going home
in a million pieces.
233
00:11:49,109 --> 00:11:51,344
Well, not necessarily.
234
00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:54,014
I just wanted
to be sure you knew why
235
00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:56,149
I always wore dresses
around here.
236
00:11:56,182 --> 00:11:58,952
It's only that I would do
anything to get out of the army.
237
00:11:58,985 --> 00:12:00,486
I understand.
238
00:12:00,521 --> 00:12:04,324
At the draft board,
I ate the eye chart.
239
00:12:04,357 --> 00:12:06,459
I licked the doctor's ear.
240
00:12:06,492 --> 00:12:09,229
I jammed his letter opener
in my heel.
241
00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:13,199
Not one of life's
volunteer's, eh, son?
242
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:16,002
It's only that I was
brought up to respect
life, Father.
243
00:12:16,036 --> 00:12:18,471
And that's impossible
with all this killing.
244
00:12:18,505 --> 00:12:21,341
‐Quite.
‐So this is the last way
people are gonna see me‐‐
245
00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:24,010
like a person
with a nice suit.
246
00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:27,113
Unless, of course,
247
00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:28,815
the bomb don't go off.
248
00:12:28,849 --> 00:12:30,851
Then I'll back
in a dress so fast,
249
00:12:30,884 --> 00:12:32,118
it'll melt your rosary.
250
00:12:32,152 --> 00:12:33,153
Sorry, Father.
251
00:12:33,186 --> 00:12:34,788
Not at all.
252
00:12:37,991 --> 00:12:39,292
Uh, sir?
253
00:12:39,325 --> 00:12:42,195
Commander Sturner,
Naval Operations, Seoul.
254
00:12:42,228 --> 00:12:43,864
Uh, Commander?
255
00:12:43,897 --> 00:12:45,532
Uh, this is Lieutenant
Colonel Henry Blake,
256
00:12:45,566 --> 00:12:47,901
MASH 4077th.
257
00:12:47,934 --> 00:12:50,504
What can I do
for you, Drake?
258
00:12:50,537 --> 00:12:53,439
Sir, we've got an
unexploded bomb in our camp.
259
00:12:53,473 --> 00:12:55,308
We're trapped under
constant enemy fire,
260
00:12:55,341 --> 00:12:57,343
we're loaded with wounded,
and the only way out of here
261
00:12:57,377 --> 00:12:59,079
is through
our own minefield.
262
00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:00,514
Well, there's only
one thing to do.
263
00:13:00,547 --> 00:13:03,283
‐Yes?
‐Punt!
264
00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:05,519
We should‐‐
I beg your pardon, sir.
265
00:13:05,552 --> 00:13:06,920
Did you say‐‐
266
00:13:06,953 --> 00:13:09,590
‐Sorry.
‐(game on radio)
267
00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:12,392
My advice is hoist anchor,
shove off.
268
00:13:12,425 --> 00:13:14,595
Oh, but the army's orders
are to stay.
269
00:13:14,628 --> 00:13:16,196
The army?
What do they know?
270
00:13:16,229 --> 00:13:19,265
They just fumbled on
their own one‐yard line.
271
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:22,068
Look, can you tell me
whether the navy
272
00:13:22,102 --> 00:13:24,237
is bombing any
inland targets?
273
00:13:24,270 --> 00:13:26,507
I certainly hope so.
274
00:13:26,540 --> 00:13:29,510
Well, then have you got
any armature marked, uh...
275
00:13:31,111 --> 00:13:36,382
Uh, it's marked AFS‐72485.
276
00:13:36,416 --> 00:13:39,019
And then there's three
small circles underneath
277
00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:40,320
and a‐‐ and a square.
278
00:13:42,088 --> 00:13:43,557
Let me get back to you.
279
00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:48,494
I just hope I'm here
when you do.
280
00:13:48,529 --> 00:13:52,465
I was saving this for
New Year's Eve, but...
281
00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:54,535
the way things are...
282
00:13:57,037 --> 00:14:02,308
♪ Should old acquaintance
be forgot ♪
283
00:14:03,544 --> 00:14:06,146
No sad songs.
284
00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:08,014
If that bomb should explode,
I'm prepared for us
285
00:14:08,048 --> 00:14:10,951
to go off together,
Margaret.
286
00:14:10,984 --> 00:14:13,554
If we had only met
in another time,
287
00:14:13,587 --> 00:14:16,156
in another place.
288
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:18,258
It would've been nice.
289
00:14:18,291 --> 00:14:20,594
"Nice," Frank?
290
00:14:20,627 --> 00:14:24,130
Just... nice?
291
00:14:24,164 --> 00:14:27,000
Well, not just nice.
It would've been, um...
292
00:14:29,235 --> 00:14:30,604
nifty.
293
00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:38,411
There's nothing to do till
that navy joker calls.
294
00:14:38,444 --> 00:14:40,914
We just have to sit and wait.
295
00:14:40,947 --> 00:14:43,584
Can't even get that
damn game on the radio.
296
00:14:43,617 --> 00:14:45,318
No, sir.
297
00:14:47,253 --> 00:14:49,890
21‐20.
298
00:14:52,158 --> 00:14:54,260
How do you
know that, sir?
299
00:14:54,294 --> 00:14:56,930
Ohio State ‐ Illinois.
Last game of the season.
300
00:14:58,431 --> 00:15:00,200
I was team manager.
301
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:01,467
Oh...
302
00:15:01,502 --> 00:15:03,203
Two minutes to go.
303
00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:04,971
Crazy Wilensky
great quarterback,
304
00:15:05,005 --> 00:15:06,973
only weighed 120 pounds.
305
00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:10,210
Got arrested the next year
for punching a milk horse.
306
00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:11,945
Anyway, Crazy snaps one off,
307
00:15:11,978 --> 00:15:13,714
throws a bomb
to Tanker Washington.
308
00:15:13,747 --> 00:15:17,017
Old Tank runs it down to
the Ohio State one‐foot line.
309
00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:18,451
One foot!
Can you imagine?
310
00:15:18,484 --> 00:15:19,452
12 inches.
311
00:15:19,485 --> 00:15:22,322
Not 12 inches,
one foot.
312
00:15:22,355 --> 00:15:24,658
Anyway, Tanker's hurt,
twisted his ankle.
313
00:15:24,691 --> 00:15:27,493
So, quick as a flash,
thousands of eyes on me,
314
00:15:27,528 --> 00:15:29,362
I run across that field
and tape that leg
315
00:15:29,395 --> 00:15:31,397
good and tight,
then run off.
316
00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:33,567
30 seconds to go.
317
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,468
The ball snapped
to Crazy.
318
00:15:35,502 --> 00:15:38,138
Crazy fakes a hand‐off
to Butcher Palasco,
319
00:15:38,171 --> 00:15:40,340
and then gives it
off to Tanker.
320
00:15:40,373 --> 00:15:43,209
And Tanker starts off
and hits the ground screaming,
321
00:15:43,243 --> 00:15:45,278
his face twisted
with pain.
322
00:15:45,311 --> 00:15:47,614
‐Tackled.
‐No.
323
00:15:47,648 --> 00:15:49,249
I taped the wrong leg.
324
00:15:59,793 --> 00:16:01,327
Was he mad?
325
00:16:01,361 --> 00:16:04,030
To this day,
once a year,
326
00:16:04,064 --> 00:16:05,666
Tank Washington
comes to my house
327
00:16:05,699 --> 00:16:07,500
and shoots out
the porch light.
328
00:16:10,504 --> 00:16:11,538
And he's a judge now.
329
00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:22,983
Don't I know your sister?
330
00:16:28,522 --> 00:16:30,657
(distant explosion)
331
00:16:35,696 --> 00:16:37,263
Uh, Lieutenant?
332
00:16:37,297 --> 00:16:39,032
Yes, Radar?
333
00:16:39,065 --> 00:16:42,669
Uh, I have
a little confession
I'd like to make.
334
00:16:42,703 --> 00:16:44,538
I'll be right with you.
335
00:16:44,571 --> 00:16:45,739
No, uh, Father...
336
00:16:49,576 --> 00:16:52,779
For months now, I have
worshipped you from below.
337
00:16:52,813 --> 00:16:55,148
Why, Radar...
338
00:16:55,181 --> 00:16:57,684
(explosion)
339
00:16:57,718 --> 00:17:00,153
Uh, with all
these bombs going off
340
00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:02,388
and the one that hasn't yet,
I thought maybe
341
00:17:02,422 --> 00:17:07,327
you and I could check out
the supply tent together.
342
00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:15,468
I wish I could wink.
343
00:17:15,502 --> 00:17:17,403
You don't need to.
344
00:17:28,181 --> 00:17:31,284
Bomb's got to go off.
I never had such a good hand.
345
00:17:31,317 --> 00:17:33,119
Really, poker face?
346
00:17:33,153 --> 00:17:35,589
I'll open for two blues.
347
00:17:35,622 --> 00:17:37,157
Hey, wait a minute.
348
00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:38,825
The blues are worth five
or ten thousand dollars?
349
00:17:38,859 --> 00:17:41,595
For the last time,
the whites are worth $5,000,
350
00:17:41,628 --> 00:17:43,296
the blues are
worth $10,000,
351
00:17:43,329 --> 00:17:46,299
the reds are
worth 25,000.
352
00:17:46,332 --> 00:17:47,834
The whole stack is worth
a million.
353
00:17:47,868 --> 00:17:50,436
And a the end of the game,
we'll settle for half.
354
00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:54,675
‐I'll call.
‐By the way,
355
00:17:54,708 --> 00:17:56,643
what happens if the
bomb doesn't go off?
356
00:17:56,677 --> 00:17:58,411
Then the whites
are worth 25 cents,
357
00:17:58,444 --> 00:18:00,814
the blues are worth 50 cents,
and the reds are worth a dollar.
358
00:18:03,383 --> 00:18:05,151
Ring!
359
00:18:05,185 --> 00:18:06,787
(phone ringing)
360
00:18:08,589 --> 00:18:09,756
Yeah?
361
00:18:09,790 --> 00:18:12,793
Drake, I finally
tracked your bomb down.
362
00:18:12,826 --> 00:18:14,628
Yes, Commander.
363
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:19,633
It's whose?
364
00:18:19,666 --> 00:18:21,267
‐The CIA's?
‐You heard me.
365
00:18:21,301 --> 00:18:23,369
The CIA has
their own bombs?
366
00:18:23,403 --> 00:18:24,638
Yep, and it's one
of theirs.
367
00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:25,872
What do you mean,
"theirs?"
368
00:18:25,906 --> 00:18:27,340
I thought we were
in this thing together.
369
00:18:27,373 --> 00:18:29,409
Look, the important thing
is little bugger's
370
00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:30,844
been ticking out there
for an hour.
371
00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:34,347
On its own, it could
go off in another hour.
372
00:18:34,380 --> 00:18:36,282
When it stops ticking,
the navy thinks
373
00:18:36,316 --> 00:18:38,418
it detonates itself
in two minutes.
374
00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:40,887
The navy thinks?
The navy doesn't know?
375
00:18:40,921 --> 00:18:44,424
Well, the‐the CIA won't
tell anyone its business.
376
00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:46,893
If we blow up, I hope
I rain down all over them.
377
00:18:46,927 --> 00:18:50,230
Look, all we know is it's
a spring‐cylinder type.
378
00:18:50,263 --> 00:18:52,332
It's got two clockwork
attached fuses‐‐
379
00:18:52,365 --> 00:18:53,934
one at the base,
one at the head.
380
00:18:53,967 --> 00:18:57,470
I've got the, uh, disarming
instructions right here.
381
00:18:57,504 --> 00:18:59,472
‐Mattresses?
‐Right there.
382
00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:04,377
You got the right
instructions, Henry?
383
00:19:04,410 --> 00:19:05,846
‐I hope so.
‐I hope so, too.
384
00:19:05,879 --> 00:19:07,514
Otherwise, I'm gonna
come back in the next life
385
00:19:07,548 --> 00:19:10,383
as a squirrel and run
right up your pants leg.
386
00:19:10,416 --> 00:19:12,619
Here are the tools.
387
00:19:14,454 --> 00:19:16,557
One for the road?
388
00:19:16,590 --> 00:19:18,491
While we still got one.
389
00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:25,566
What happened to
your two friends
390
00:19:25,599 --> 00:19:27,500
who play the fife
and drum?
391
00:19:27,534 --> 00:19:29,202
Look, I've, uh, moved
the wounded out
392
00:19:29,235 --> 00:19:30,837
as far as I dare.
393
00:19:30,871 --> 00:19:33,940
Those of us that are staying
behind are mighty grateful.
394
00:19:33,974 --> 00:19:36,543
Wait'll you get
our bill.
395
00:19:36,577 --> 00:19:38,244
Now, look, you guys.
396
00:19:38,278 --> 00:19:39,345
I'm gonna be on
the squawk box to you
397
00:19:39,379 --> 00:19:40,714
‐from the bunker.
‐Gotcha.
398
00:19:40,747 --> 00:19:43,917
Just defuse it
and then run like hell.
399
00:19:43,950 --> 00:19:45,719
But with dignity.
400
00:20:29,362 --> 00:20:31,798
Pierce! McIntyre!
Can you hear me?
401
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:35,468
One more yell like that,
402
00:20:35,502 --> 00:20:37,571
and you and I will have
interchangeable parts.
403
00:20:37,604 --> 00:20:38,905
Heartbeat's regular.
404
00:20:38,939 --> 00:20:41,742
First you need a wrench.
405
00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:50,383
All right, now place it
gently on the nut
406
00:20:50,416 --> 00:20:53,587
just above the locking
ring, and loosen.
407
00:21:24,918 --> 00:21:30,323
Now, rotate the locking ring
counterclockwise.
408
00:22:07,594 --> 00:22:09,596
Now...
409
00:22:09,630 --> 00:22:11,397
remove the tail assembly.
410
00:22:40,727 --> 00:22:43,797
And carefully cut
the wires leading
411
00:22:43,830 --> 00:22:47,033
to the clockwork fuse
at the head.
412
00:22:54,174 --> 00:22:56,777
But first remove
the fuse.
413
00:23:14,494 --> 00:23:15,929
Psst, psst!
414
00:23:15,962 --> 00:23:18,765
You spring a leak?
415
00:23:18,799 --> 00:23:20,200
It stopped ticking!
416
00:23:20,233 --> 00:23:21,968
Let's get the hell
outta here.
417
00:23:22,002 --> 00:23:24,437
We've only got
two minutes... maybe.
418
00:23:51,898 --> 00:23:53,767
It was a propaganda bomb.
419
00:23:58,739 --> 00:24:02,643
"Give yourselves up.
You can't win.
420
00:24:02,676 --> 00:24:04,645
"Douglas MacArthur."
421
00:24:13,219 --> 00:24:15,121
MAN (over intercom):
Attention! The final score:
422
00:24:15,155 --> 00:24:19,159
Navy 42, Army 36.
423
00:24:19,192 --> 00:24:21,762
And the winner
of the football pool is...
424
00:24:21,795 --> 00:24:23,797
Father Mulcahy.
425
00:24:25,198 --> 00:24:26,833
You won again.
426
00:24:26,867 --> 00:24:28,602
You always win.
Who do you know?
427
00:24:31,037 --> 00:24:32,005
HAWKEYE:
Name‐dropper.
428
00:24:48,021 --> 00:24:49,656
Uh, excuse me.
429
00:24:49,690 --> 00:24:51,224
Now that things are back
to normal around here,
430
00:24:51,257 --> 00:24:54,528
I have a confession
to make.
431
00:24:54,561 --> 00:24:55,996
Yeah? What is it?
432
00:24:58,832 --> 00:25:00,033
I'll tell you later.
433
00:25:07,173 --> 00:25:08,809
♪♪♪ (theme)
30836
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