All language subtitles for MASH.S01E19.The.Long-John.Flap.WEBRip.x264-ION10

♪♪♪ (theme)

♪♪♪ (wind blowing)

Oh, that's good,
that's good.

I hope that wasn't
something vitally important
you just threw in there.

Oh, no, no, sir‐‐
just some copies of orders,

rescinding orders
that were never sent out.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Why can't they send us
something decent to wear?

You know, I hear they got
a whole bunch of, uh, uh,

uh, winter issue in a big
warehouse in Seoul.

Wish they'd send us
some of that stuff.

You know, I am sick
of going through Command.

Look, let's send a letter
straight to Quartermaster.

Yes, sir.

‐Okay, uh...
Commanding Officer.
‐"Commanding Officer."

‐Quartermaster Corps.
‐"Quartermaster Corps."

‐Uh, sir...
‐"Sir." Seoul.

‐Seoul.
‐"Seoul, sir."

"Seoul, sir."

Uh, I, uh, gratefully
acknowledge the receipt

‐of your latest shipment
of supplies to our unit.
‐...supplies to our unit.

The mosquito netting
and the summer underwear

were very much appreciated.

I am wearing so many pairs
of cotton drawers,

my thighs don't know
each other any more.

"...my thighs don't know
each other any more."

Don't tell him about
my thighs, Corporal!

‐What's the matter with you?
‐I'm sorry.

‐All right. Paragraph two.
‐Two...

Okay, I, uh...

I respectfully ask,
however, that you review

our latest request for,
uh, long underwear,

...for long underwear.

parkas with, uh,
fur liners...

Hey, and you know those,
uh, nice woolly caps

‐with the earmuffs?
‐Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, okay, put that down,
but in, uh, military talk.

Now then, uh, to the best
of my knowledge,

the entire outfit
is enduring severe hardship

due to the lack
of warm clothing.

‐ Have you got that?
‐ Soon as my hands
thaw out, sir.

♪ In the cool, cool, cool
of the evening ♪

♪ When the singin'
fills the air ♪

♪ In the shank of the night,
when the doin's are right ♪

♪ Oh, you can tell 'em
I'll be there ♪

♪ Oh, you can tell 'em
I'll be there ♪

♪ In the shank of the night,
when the doin's are right ♪

♪ Well, you can tell 'em
I'll be there ♪

(shivering)

♪ Well, you can tell 'em
I'll be there ♪

(humming)

Courage, Camille.

You wanna turn down
the radiator?

I worked up a sweat
out there.

You're wearin' long johns.

Certainly I am.
You think I want to

catch cold
and die like you?

Where did you get 'em?

My father sent 'em to me,

right after I wrote him
I'd be home for Christmas,

whether Truman said
I could or not.

(humming)

‐Hawkeye?
‐Yeah?

I'll give you $20 for
that pair of long johns.

(laughing)
Are you kidding?

I wouldn't take 12
of your toes for these.

I'm warm, warm,
do you hear?

Warm!
(laughing)

I'll give you, uh...

I'll give you $50
and a picture of my children.

Stop dripping your filthy
germs on my bedclothes.

$60, you can
have the children.

Thanks, but I have
no place to keep them.

Why don't you take your other
blanket and use that?

I'd like to,
but somebody stole it.

This war is turning
everybody into a criminal,

and it's making
me sick.

Well, next time, try to
stay out of the draft.

(laughing)
That's great!

(wind blowing)

Oh, boy, listen
to that wind.

♪ The snow is snowing ♪

♪ The wind is blowing ♪

♪ But I can weather
the storm ♪

(sneezing loudly)

(coughs)

Now, look, pal...

I don't care how
pitiful you get,

I am not giving you
my long johns.

I don't want 'em.

You keep 'em.

No point in both of us
getting sick.

Fine.

You better get
some rest, Hawkeye.

You're gonna need all
your strength tomorrow...

to bury me.

(sneezing)

Some people don't care
about anybody but themselves.

Now shut up
and go to sleep!

It's your bet, Radar.

If I have three cards
and they're all red,

is that three of a kind?

Is that a question for
a grown man to ask?

Okay, I bet 20 bucks.

20 bucks?

‐Like taking candy
from a baby.
‐I fold.

‐ You?
‐ Foldissimo.

Well, I'm in.

Trouble is, I don't have
20 actual dollars.

The mummy here beat me
for 170 bucks tonight.

Well, how you gonna bet?

Um, could I, uh, could I
interest you in, uh‐‐

(whispering)

You got long underwear?

Wait a minute!

I gave them to you 'cause
you were choking to death!

You can't bet
my long johns

just because your nose
stopped running!

I got to.
I'm down to my last $3

and an old brassiere hook.
I‐I gotta get even.

Suppose you lose!

Against him?

I‐I want to see
this underwear first.

I have very
sensitive skin.

Wow!

Soft as a baby's bottom.

Okay, let me see
your cards.

You better win, pal.

(chuckling)

Full house.

(laughing)

I guess that beats
two pair, right?

It sure does.

What were they?

‐Tens.
‐Yeah, tens and what?

That's it.
Two pairs of tens.

Is that good?

You lost them!

How did it happen?

You lost my beautiful
double‐weave, semi‐woolen,

sensuously soft
long johns

to an astigmatic
missing link
with four tens!

That's how it happened!

All right, bub.

Put your underwear
where your mouth is.

(moans)

I haven't been
this warm in days.

What a terrific invention.

Hawkeye, can you do that
and walk at the same time?

I'd like to eat this before
I have broccoli‐sicles.

Certainly, Mr. Full House.

Why don't you
sit with us doctors

so this remarkeable discovery
doesn't get lost to science?

Oh, I can't, Hawkeye.

I promised I'd sit
with someone else.

Is there a reason this
line is going so slow,

it's moving in
the opposite direction?

I just lost a fantastic
hand‐warmer to another guy

and I wanna see who it is.

She must have frostbite
on her taste.

Let's get closer.

How did you get
your hands on them?

Uh, well...

When you've been
around for a while

in this man's army,

you‐you‐you get to learn
a few of the ins and outs.

What the hell is
he talking about?

Put your hand in there.

Oh, it feels so good.

Soft as
a baby's bottom.

I'll break his leg, set it,
and break it again.

Can I get you some pie?

Would you?

I gotta keep
my energy up for later.

Uh‐huh.

Can I have some more, uh,
pie for Nurse Beddoes,
sergeant?

Sure.

She's got quite
an appetite.

If you know
what I mean.

You're some guy, Radar.
What's your secret?

Well, I like to put 'em on
a pedestal, you know?

Surprise them
with little gifts.

Put your hand in there.
Feel that.

If he lets everybody
feel them,

there won't be anything left
but a package of lint.

‐Look in here.
‐Wow!

Is that a whole one?

A complete leg of lamb.

It'd take you a whole
weekend to eat it.

Yeah...

In exchange for those.

Does that include
the mint jelly?

You got it.

Something came up.
I can't make it tonight.

There goes the last
of the great leg men.

Filth!

This isn't a kitchen,
it's a bacterial
breeding ground,

a germ kennel!

How long of a walk
is it from here

to the soup, Sergeant?

About three feet, sir.

And nothing walks faster
than a bacteria.

A bacterium.

I've made over 700 meals
here, sir,

with only one illness.

That was three months ago.

Are you feeling
any better now, sir?

I'm not concerned
about myself.

It's the men.

I'm reducing you
to Corporal.

Sir, are you busting me?

Yes.

And with a corresponding
reduction in pay, of course.

My invalid wife is
dependent on my‐‐

my sending her a few
dollars every month, sir.

‐Is this the same wife
you had when you poisoned me?
‐Yes, sir.

As I remember,
I couldn't punish you then

because your wife
had just died.

Oh, she got better.

See, they only thought
that she was dead.

She was‐‐ she was stiff
and everything.

But, uh,
it was nothing.

Her death was all
in her head.

Sergeant, I would be
very surprised

if you never even had a wife,
let alone a stiff one.

The men in this outfit
are very lucky

I came in here tonight
to get warm,

and found this mess!

Is your tent cold, sir?

No colder than it was
for our boys at Valley Forge.

I, uh, I wonder if you
know who, uh...

might have left these
here, sir.

‐Double‐weave long johns.
‐Double‐weave?

Now, I have no need
for them, sir.

And, uh, if you want them,

you'd be more
than welcome to them.

Hmm...

(wind howling)

(panting)

‐Hey.
‐What?

Look what the giant rodent
has on his body.

Suppurating pustules,
if there's any justice.

Where'd you get
those long johns?

Wouldn't you
like to know.

Those are mine,
you hermaphroditic weasel!

Possession is nine‐tenths
of the law, Pierce.

and I'm sleeping with
a loaded baseball bat

under my pillow,
so don't try anything!

If I didn't think it would
warm you up, Frank,

I'd come over there
and beat you to a pulp!

Pierce:
Say your prayers, Frank,
or the tooth fairy may come

and knock out
all your teeth.

Frank:
Imported French
Camembert cheese.
Mmm... oh.

Frank, where did
you get it?

My wife sent it to me.

Frank, how much
do you love me?

‐How much?
‐Yes, much. How much?

(sighs)

Oh, Margaret, you're
my pearl, my guiding star.

Let's drop the poetry,
Frank.

How much am I worth to you
in cold, hard reality?

Well, I don't understand.

Do you want
a loan, Margaret?

I'm talking
about us, Frank.

What would you
give up for me?

The moon,
Margaret, the moon.

That would be
a wonderful gesture...

if you had it.

Now, is there anything
you can think of

that you have
that you would give up?

Gee, no.

How about your wife?

Well, now, would that
look to our minister?

He lives right up
the street from us.

‐Frank...
‐Hmm?

I think...

I think we should
re‐evaluate our friendship.

Margaret, don't say that.

Whenever you say that,
I get nervous chilblains,

and my fingers
crack open.

Oh, get up and don't
be disgusting.

Margaret, you know
how I hate the cold.

You know how
my fingers bleed

when the slightest
winter breezes start.

I can't pick up the smallest
little thing without pain.

Yes, yes.

May I give you a pair of heavy
winter civilian underwear?

You mean if you ever
get a pair?

These.

You've let me sit here
and freeze to death

with socks on my hands

while you've been parading
around in those?

You tell your fingers
to start bleeding, Frank,

and get out!

After you give me
that underwear!

(wind blowing)

Hold it, fella!

Mickey Mouse has warts.

Nevermind the small talk.
This is a stick‐up.

I'm not making small talk.
That's the password.

And you can't hold me up.
I'm a major.

Sure I can.
I'm crazy.

Ask anybody.

"Crazy Klinger,
he wears a dress."

Take off your clothes.

Take off my clothes?

Now, look, Klinger...

I know you're trying to
get sent home as a nut,

but wearing dresses
is bad enough.

Don't get repulsive!

I want your long johns.
Strip.

I don't happen to have
them any more.

And you're going to be sent
to the stockade for this!

Don't, Major.

I gotta have long johns.

I'm getting a terrible
draft up my skirt.

If you had the guts
to serve your country
like the rest of us,

you wouldn't have
to work so hard

to prove you're crazy.

You don't think
this takes guts?

Walkin' around
all night

in this little,
thin cocktail dress?

I don't even have
a fur stole.

I have to wear
this cheap cloth thing

to keep from freezing.

Hold it!

Out of my way, Klinger,
or you're under arrest!

Major Burns,
nobody takes me seriously.

I'm gettin' tired
of that.

Damn it,
I'm freezing myself!

Major Houlihan has
the long underwear!

Oh, sorry, sir.
No offense.

Outta my way,
you freak.

The next time we meet,
I wanna see a shine
on those high heels!

♪♪♪

Somebody! Quick! Somebody!

‐What's the matter?
Are you all right?
‐Yes, yes! Quick, get inside!

Get in here.
Quick, close the door.

You don't know the nights
I've lain awake dreaming
of this moment.

May I kiss
your oak leaf, Major?

Where were you just now?

Over in surgery,

perfecting my old
sawing‐the‐man‐in‐half
routine.

Where do you think I was
at this time of night?

Somebody ran off
with my underwear.

Well, I hope that teaches
you something about
blind dates, Margaret.

They were stolen
from my clothesline.

They were very valuable
double‐weave, woollen
long johns!

Your underwear?

Now they're
your underwear?

You wouldn't even
have seen them

if Trapper hadn't been
coughing up his lungs.

And that febrile idiot
didn't hold four tens
against our throats,

then get an adolescent crush
on a leg of lamb.

Your underwear?!

Once you got them,
you couldn't even
keep your hands on them!

Only God knows
where they are now.

‐ Here you are, soldier.
‐ Thank you, Father.

You're very welcome.

Klinger:
Psst! Father!

Over here.

Yes?

I'd like to ask your advice
on a spiritual matter.

Why certainly.

If you need something‐‐

I mean, if you're
really cold or something,

it wouldn't be a mortal sin
to steal something

from somebody who was kind
of a rotten person anyway?

‐Would it?
‐Well have you
stolen something?

These.

Oh, my.

Aren't they nice?

Well whoever you
took these from must
be very cold right now.

Father, if I
give 'em back,

the certain person
I took them from

would like
to have me killed.

I've really been trying
to avoid that lately.

‐Oh, I see.
‐I keep hearing the artillery
going off every night

when I go to sleep.

Every night it keeps
getting closer.

I can't stand it
anymore.

Yes, I know.
I hear it, too.

‐You hear it, too?
‐Yes, it gets closer
every night.

I'm really in trouble.

I was just
making that up.

Father, you've got
to help me!

I gotta get out
of here!

Put your soul
in order, my son!

Excuse me, I think
you're bending my glasses.

Well, couldn't I just
give them to a needy person?

I know it's hard, but try
to do what's right.

‐Try.
‐I'll try, Father.

May I have your blessing?

Certainly.

But you're holding down
the hand I do that with.

Now, pray for strength
and‐and guidance, in order‐‐

Hello?

Oh, dear.

They certainly look
toasty, Father.

Actually, I took the liberty
of wearing them last night.

It was getting late,

and I didn't want
to bother you.

Had my first real night's
sleep in ten days.

I'll bet you did.

Well, better keep
them locked up

until you can
find the owner.

A lot of people would like
to get their hands on them.

Oh, don't you worry,
Father.

I'll ask around,
I'll ask around.

And then meanwhile I'll stay
very close to these.

‐Thank you.
‐Nice talking to you.

‐Uh, Radar?
‐Yes, sir?

Uh, Radar, have you
lost anything?

Have you found
anything, sir?

I'll ask the questions.

No, I don't think so.

Fine, fine.

Then I want you to
note that I asked you

that question
at noon on this day.

Thanks. Yes, sir.

Is there anything else
you'd like me to note, sir?

Uh, no,
that is all.

Uh, would you mind
signing this?

‐No, we'll do that later.
‐Thank you for‐‐

Is Henry in?

Oh, uh, some of him is.

But most of him is
still hanging out.

Move!

Oh, hi.

Are we interrupting
anything?

I guess this looks
pretty funny to you guys.

Why? Are we laughing?

We came to report
the disappearance

of a pair of long johns,
which we own,

and which
you are wearing.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, can you
identify them?

I got a better idea.

Why don't you
identify 'em.

‐Okay.
‐Uh, without looking.

Oh.

‐Well, uh, they're long.
‐And they're johns.

That's them, all right.
I guess they're his.

‐Okay, Henry, let's have 'em.
‐Come on.

Wait a minute.
If you think I'm handing
these over to you guys

without checking
this out‐‐

Look, I'm, uh,
planning on conducting

a very thorough
investigation.

I mean, it might take
a couple of months...

Come on, Henry!
We want them!

You're talking
to two very cold,
very crazed people!

Well, look, you both can't
wear 'em at the same time.

We're gonna have
a contest.

Whoever throws you farthest
gets to keep them.

Ooh!

I didn't even touch him.

What's the matter, Henry?
Are you sick?

No, don't be an idiot.

It's a new dance.

No, it's just
a little indigestion.

Now, forget it.
Get lost.

Let me feel
your abdomen.

You don't have
to feel my abdomen.

I'm fine.

Fine.

I told you
it's a new dance.

Very graceful, Henry.

‐This hurt?
‐(groaning)

Henry, I think what you're
having trouble digesting

is your appendix.

Oh, I knew
you'd say that.

First thing you guys want
to do is cut a guy open.

A couple
of sadistic creeps.

Look, this is just
your basic gastric distress.

(groaning)

How long have you
had these pains, Henry?

Off and on for
a couple of weeks.

I thought there was
something bothering you.

What‐what other symptoms
are you having?

I don't have any symptoms.

Look, it'll all clear up
the next time I throw up.

You've been
throwing up?

Well, uh...

Come on now.
Don't get any ideas.

You guys aren't
gonna cut me open.

I mean, nobody's
gonna cut me open.

We better do
something quick.

This examination
is killing me.

Oh, he's burning up.

I think his indigestion
is about to burst.

All right, Henry, can you
make it into a table,

or do you want us
to carry you?

‐I'll walk.
‐Let's go.

By the way, I loved you
in "Duck Soup."

Did you lose
something, sir?

Go get Nurse Beddoes.
We're cutting him open.

Just 'cause he stole
your underwear?

Will you go?

I want a local.

And I wanna know
what you guys are doing

every step of the way.

Okay, don't worry.

No, you better
give me gas.

I don't want
to see any blood.

Just take it easy,
will you? Relax.

Leave this to us.

I saw this in
a movie once.

What are you gonna
do with those?

I'm just gonna
expose your skin.

No, no!

Henry, I haven't even
touched you yet!

Never mind me!
Don't cut the long johns!

Clamp.

Radar (over P. A.):
Attention, attention. Here's the announcement
you've all been waiting for.

Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake
is the proud father

of a bouncing
baby appendix.

Henry's doing fine.

(applause)

And the underwear's
been saved.

(cheers and applause)

We're a hit.

(knock on door)

(wind blowing)

Colonel Blake wants
to thank you

for saving his life,
Hawkeye.

Oh, shucks, tweren't nothin'.

Well, anyway,
he wants you to have

this token of his
undying gratitude.

I hope
that's a discharge.

Oh, no.

It's these.

Oh...

(sneezes)

Oh, no. No, no.
No, no, no.

(coughing)

Nah‐uh.
Forget it.

Well, how about...
(weak cough)

No, no! Uh‐uh!
Forget it!

No, sir.
No, sir!

♪♪♪ (theme)