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♪♪♪ (theme)
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♪♪♪
3
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(door creaks)
4
00:01:35,228 --> 00:01:36,630
Hawkeye Pierce:
"Dear Dad,
5
00:01:36,663 --> 00:01:38,298
"Sorry I haven't
written sooner,
6
00:01:38,331 --> 00:01:41,134
"but you know how the work
piles up around here.
7
00:01:41,167 --> 00:01:43,336
"Korea's pretty much
the same story.
8
00:01:43,369 --> 00:01:45,639
"The fighting goes on,
the hatred, the violence,
9
00:01:45,672 --> 00:01:49,409
"the senseless brutality,
men behaving like animals.
10
00:01:49,442 --> 00:01:52,245
"Then, of course,
there's the war.
11
00:01:52,278 --> 00:01:55,248
"Business, unfortunately,
remains very brisk.
12
00:01:55,281 --> 00:01:57,383
"I think you know by now
I'm not being flip,
13
00:01:57,417 --> 00:01:59,252
"but doing meatball surgery,
you either develop
14
00:01:59,285 --> 00:02:03,356
"a thick skin or you wind up
in the Tokyo Giggling Academy."
15
00:02:03,389 --> 00:02:05,191
Oh, wow, what a mess.
16
00:02:05,225 --> 00:02:06,927
Stomach...
17
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,362
kidney‐‐ liver...
18
00:02:09,395 --> 00:02:10,363
Hawkeye:
What is this,
an organ recital?
19
00:02:10,396 --> 00:02:11,598
Keep it down!
20
00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:13,233
I'm doing something
very difficult, here.
21
00:02:13,266 --> 00:02:15,268
Trying to tie your shoe
again, Frank?
22
00:02:15,301 --> 00:02:16,469
Colonel Blake, could
we have some measure
23
00:02:16,503 --> 00:02:18,271
of military discipline?
24
00:02:18,304 --> 00:02:19,439
(Trapper)
Good idea.
25
00:02:19,472 --> 00:02:21,407
Everybody up
for callisthenics.
26
00:02:21,441 --> 00:02:23,610
(Hawkeye)
Care to join me for
some push‐ups, Hot Lips?
27
00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:25,646
(Houlihan)
Oh, really!
28
00:02:25,679 --> 00:02:28,214
Knock it off!
29
00:02:28,248 --> 00:02:30,350
(Hawkeye)
"Luckily, we've got an extra
pair of hands these days.
30
00:02:30,383 --> 00:02:32,485
"Captain Adam Casey.
31
00:02:32,519 --> 00:02:35,722
"He's really a fine surgeon,
every bit as good as I am,
32
00:02:35,756 --> 00:02:37,924
"and I'll get him
for it."
33
00:02:37,958 --> 00:02:39,492
You wanna give me a hand
with these intestines.
34
00:02:39,526 --> 00:02:42,295
‐They're shot to pieces.
‐Okay, gimme a retractor.
35
00:02:42,328 --> 00:02:43,897
(Hawkeye)
"The work may be
hard and ugly,
36
00:02:43,930 --> 00:02:45,532
"but we can always count
on the North Koreans
37
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"to hand us
a couple of laughs."
38
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(bomb whistling)
39
00:02:49,302 --> 00:02:50,971
(explosion)
40
00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:53,907
‐Oh, what is that?
‐(indistinct chatter)
41
00:02:53,940 --> 00:02:56,276
‐MAN: They got the generator.
‐WOMAN: We need some lights
in here.
42
00:02:56,309 --> 00:02:58,979
HENRY: All right,
nobody panic. Let's keep cool.
43
00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:00,681
FRANK:
Well, who's panicking?
Who's panicking?
44
00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:02,482
‐HENRY: You're panicking, Frank!
‐I can't see anything.
45
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:04,417
‐So?
‐But it's dark!
46
00:03:04,450 --> 00:03:06,620
Shove any patients you
can't finish under a table.
47
00:03:06,653 --> 00:03:08,955
‐They'll be safe there.
‐(explosion booming)
48
00:03:08,989 --> 00:03:10,924
How the hell did you get
in the army, Frank?
49
00:03:10,957 --> 00:03:12,959
‐3‐0 silk.
‐3‐0 silk.
50
00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:17,998
‐Suture scissors.
‐Suture scissors.
51
00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:20,233
Snoo.
52
00:03:20,266 --> 00:03:21,968
"Snoo?"
What's "snoo"?
53
00:03:22,002 --> 00:03:23,604
Nothing much.
What's "snoo" with you?
54
00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:27,440
Can't you ever
be serious?
55
00:03:27,473 --> 00:03:29,710
I tried it once.
Everybody laughed.
56
00:03:30,811 --> 00:03:32,746
"And so it goes.
57
00:03:32,779 --> 00:03:37,017
"Here comes Corporal Klinger,
one of our orderlies.
58
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:38,619
"A nice guy whose only
purpose in life
59
00:03:38,652 --> 00:03:40,587
"is to get out
of the army,
60
00:03:40,621 --> 00:03:42,322
"a purpose shared by three
of four million of us,
61
00:03:42,355 --> 00:03:44,257
"only Klinger,
he'll stop at nothing."
62
00:03:44,290 --> 00:03:46,492
‐(knocking)
‐Come in.
63
00:03:49,530 --> 00:03:51,732
Captain, I have the X‐rays
you wanted to look over.
64
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:56,870
Thank you.
65
00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:59,439
Uh, Klinger...
66
00:03:59,472 --> 00:04:01,775
Do you mind a little
constructive criticism?
67
00:04:01,808 --> 00:04:02,776
No, sir.
68
00:04:02,809 --> 00:04:04,811
First of all,
it's gorgeous.
69
00:04:04,845 --> 00:04:06,513
It's so easy to go
overboard with one of those,
70
00:04:06,547 --> 00:04:08,815
but that's tasteful
without being gaudy.
71
00:04:08,849 --> 00:04:10,717
Thank you, sir.
72
00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:14,555
Just one suggestion,
you must wear a slip.
73
00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:16,757
With the sun behind you,
I could see clear through
74
00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:18,659
to your shorts.
75
00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:21,762
Of course, and I've got
so many slips in my tent.
76
00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:22,996
Thanks for the x‐rays.
77
00:04:23,029 --> 00:04:24,064
Yes, sir.
78
00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:26,399
May I ask where
you got that?
79
00:04:26,432 --> 00:04:28,669
Mail‐order
catalog, sir.
80
00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:30,370
A white wedding gown?
81
00:04:30,403 --> 00:04:31,672
I'm entitled.
82
00:04:31,705 --> 00:04:33,273
I'm a virgin.
83
00:04:38,545 --> 00:04:39,813
HAWKEYE:
"I guess the sanest guy
in the outfit
84
00:04:39,846 --> 00:04:41,982
"is Father Mulcahy.
85
00:04:42,015 --> 00:04:43,483
"It's a wonder
he doesn't go deaf
86
00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:44,651
"from the sound of
all the commandments
87
00:04:44,685 --> 00:04:46,319
"breaking around here."
88
00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:51,324
(groaning)
89
00:04:52,659 --> 00:04:55,328
Father?
Is everything all right?
90
00:04:55,361 --> 00:04:56,396
It's my back.
91
00:04:56,429 --> 00:04:57,531
You throw it out?
92
00:04:57,564 --> 00:05:00,767
No, but
I'd sure like to.
93
00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,836
Let's go in the tent.
I'll take a look at it.
94
00:05:02,869 --> 00:05:05,105
Thanks.
95
00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:06,707
Thanks, Captain Casey.
96
00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:12,345
Do you have a history
of back trouble?
97
00:05:12,378 --> 00:05:16,783
Started in Jesuit school.
All that kneeling.
98
00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:19,119
You stay with your back
toward me, Father,
99
00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:21,522
and just relax.
100
00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:25,526
(groaning)
101
00:05:27,528 --> 00:05:29,796
How's that feel?
102
00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:31,431
Better.
103
00:05:31,464 --> 00:05:32,766
My back really
feels better.
104
00:05:32,799 --> 00:05:34,134
Good, good.
105
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:35,902
Now you just try and take
it easy for a few days,
106
00:05:35,936 --> 00:05:37,470
and stay off
your knees.
107
00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:39,439
(audience laughter)
108
00:05:39,472 --> 00:05:40,574
Thank you very much,
Doctor.
109
00:05:42,475 --> 00:05:45,378
‐Father?
‐Yes?
110
00:05:46,580 --> 00:05:47,814
It's all right.
111
00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:50,450
Oh, doctor, one good turn
deserves another.
112
00:05:52,553 --> 00:05:55,421
Father...
113
00:05:55,455 --> 00:05:58,925
Can we consider this
a confessional?
114
00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:00,861
I am a priest.
115
00:06:02,128 --> 00:06:05,899
I'm...
not a doctor.
116
00:06:05,932 --> 00:06:08,602
Ooh! Ooh!
117
00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:13,073
HAWKEYE:
"I don't want you to think
this is a madhouse, Dad.
118
00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:15,542
"We're nowhere near
that organized.
119
00:06:15,576 --> 00:06:17,778
"What we are mainly
is bored.
120
00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:20,647
"Bored right out
of our skulls."
121
00:06:20,681 --> 00:06:22,583
Nothing fazes
anybody here!
122
00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:25,686
‐What's the matter with you?
‐Zero! Everybody's a cipher.
123
00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:28,154
‐An army of walking zilches.
‐All of a sudden‐‐
124
00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:29,790
I'm telling you, I could
walk around this compound‐‐
125
00:06:29,823 --> 00:06:31,124
I bet you I could walk
into that mess tent,
126
00:06:31,157 --> 00:06:34,094
order lunch,
stark‐naked,
127
00:06:34,127 --> 00:06:36,462
nobody would pay
any attention to me.
128
00:06:36,496 --> 00:06:37,497
Are you crazy?
129
00:06:37,531 --> 00:06:38,965
I betcha 50 bucks.
130
00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:45,706
A little drink
before lunch?
131
00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:48,408
I don't mind if I do.
132
00:06:49,543 --> 00:06:51,712
One for the road,
as it were.
133
00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:54,881
I have always relied upon
the kindness of strangers.
134
00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:57,851
We don't usually serve
people without neckties.
135
00:07:02,823 --> 00:07:04,157
Shall we?
136
00:07:04,190 --> 00:07:05,859
After you.
137
00:07:13,199 --> 00:07:16,136
♪♪♪
138
00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:51,972
(whistling)
139
00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:54,941
(indistinct chatter)
140
00:08:00,881 --> 00:08:02,516
(tray clattering)
141
00:08:02,549 --> 00:08:05,185
(whistling)
142
00:08:05,218 --> 00:08:07,521
(screaming)
143
00:08:07,554 --> 00:08:12,659
(applause)
144
00:08:14,695 --> 00:08:16,630
50 bucks.
145
00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,899
I left my pockets
back in the Swamp.
146
00:08:25,572 --> 00:08:28,141
Now, that's tasteful
without being gaudy.
147
00:08:31,044 --> 00:08:34,615
♪♪♪
148
00:08:34,648 --> 00:08:36,550
HAWKEYE:
"It's very quiet at
the moment, Dad.
149
00:08:36,583 --> 00:08:38,985
"The only man in sight
is Radar O'Reilly,
150
00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:40,621
"an amazing kid.
151
00:08:40,654 --> 00:08:42,088
"I've never put much
stock in ESP,
152
00:08:42,122 --> 00:08:43,624
"but if it is possible
for one person
153
00:08:43,657 --> 00:08:45,659
"to read another
person's mind,
154
00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:49,663
"Radar has that ability,
the little fink."
155
00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:51,865
Is that a nice
thing to say?
156
00:08:54,768 --> 00:08:57,303
HAWKEYE:
"I don't know what Henry Blake
would do without Radar.
157
00:08:57,337 --> 00:08:59,973
"And I don't know what
we'd do without Henry.
158
00:09:00,006 --> 00:09:02,142
"But I can't wait to get
home and find out."
159
00:09:06,012 --> 00:09:08,649
Uh, sir?
160
00:09:08,682 --> 00:09:10,350
‐Yes, Radar?
‐Are you busy?
161
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:11,918
No, no‐no, no.
162
00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:17,357
‐Uh, sign these, please, sir.
‐Righty‐o.
163
00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:20,994
Oh, for...
164
00:09:21,027 --> 00:09:22,328
My dad's pen.
165
00:09:22,362 --> 00:09:24,297
Oh...
(chuckling)
166
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:31,271
What's this, Radar?
167
00:09:32,639 --> 00:09:33,974
That's personal, sir.
168
00:09:34,007 --> 00:09:36,376
Well, you can tell me.
169
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:39,880
My name's on it.
170
00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:42,348
Well, I'm, uh, taking
this correspondence course
171
00:09:42,382 --> 00:09:44,317
from the Triple‐A
High School Diploma Company
172
00:09:44,350 --> 00:09:46,352
of Dellavin, Indiana.
173
00:09:46,386 --> 00:09:49,322
‐The Triple‐A‐‐
‐High School Diploma Company
of Dellavin, Indiana.
174
00:09:49,355 --> 00:09:52,993
‐I see.
‐Mm‐hmm. Uh‐huh.
175
00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:56,730
Well, uh...
It's final week‐‐
176
00:09:56,763 --> 00:09:59,733
And you want me to take you
to the senior prom, right?
177
00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:01,401
Oh, no...
178
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:03,136
Oh, no, uh...
179
00:10:03,169 --> 00:10:07,040
That says that I passed
my final exam.
180
00:10:07,073 --> 00:10:09,409
How do I know you
passed your final exam?
181
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,344
You must, sir.
You signed it.
182
00:10:11,377 --> 00:10:12,913
Uh, easy, Radar.
183
00:10:14,347 --> 00:10:16,783
Now, you know me.
I'll sign anything army.
184
00:10:16,817 --> 00:10:19,653
I mean, uh, I'll sign
the surrender papers.
185
00:10:19,686 --> 00:10:21,955
But I've got a reputation
and a civilian practice
186
00:10:21,988 --> 00:10:23,356
to think about,
187
00:10:23,389 --> 00:10:24,958
and the last thing I need
in this world is trouble
188
00:10:24,991 --> 00:10:27,761
from the Triple‐A
High School Diploma Company
189
00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:31,397
of, uh, Dellavin, Indiana.
190
00:10:31,431 --> 00:10:33,299
I'm sorry, sir.
191
00:10:33,333 --> 00:10:35,435
You know, if you want,
you could give me the test.
192
00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:37,871
I just didn't want
to take up your time.
193
00:10:37,904 --> 00:10:39,339
Oh, that's no problem.
194
00:10:39,372 --> 00:10:42,108
I mean, the war's, uh,
pretty slow right now.
195
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:43,777
Where's the test?
196
00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:46,346
Oh, it's here, sir, in this
officially sealed envelope.
197
00:10:48,381 --> 00:10:49,983
The seal's broken.
198
00:10:50,016 --> 00:10:51,151
Oh?
199
00:10:51,184 --> 00:10:52,886
Well, that must
have been the censor.
200
00:10:52,919 --> 00:10:54,921
They're always on the lookout
for a dirty question.
201
00:10:56,356 --> 00:10:58,091
Now, let's see here.
202
00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:02,462
All right, Radar,
take a piece of paper,
203
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:05,031
and a pencil,
and, uh, sit down.
204
00:11:08,468 --> 00:11:10,136
Comfortable?
205
00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:13,940
C‐O‐M‐F‐O‐‐
206
00:11:13,974 --> 00:11:15,909
‐No, no, no, no, no, no.
‐R‐‐
207
00:11:15,942 --> 00:11:17,878
That was just
a rhetorical question.
208
00:11:17,911 --> 00:11:19,846
Oh.
209
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:21,314
Well, I don't
study those.
210
00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:22,816
Study what?
211
00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:24,317
Rhetoricals?
212
00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:26,787
Come on, Radar.
Stop horsing around.
213
00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:30,390
Um, I, uh...
I'm very nervous, sir.
214
00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:33,827
Well, look, um, uh,
take a deep breath.
215
00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:35,495
That makes me throw up.
216
00:11:35,529 --> 00:11:37,798
Look, just settle down.
217
00:11:37,831 --> 00:11:40,967
Uh, now, this is not
gonna be difficult.
218
00:11:41,001 --> 00:11:42,503
There.
Good boy.
219
00:11:42,536 --> 00:11:43,469
Okay?
220
00:11:43,504 --> 00:11:44,437
Yes, sir.
221
00:11:44,470 --> 00:11:46,339
First question.
222
00:11:47,473 --> 00:11:50,110
Um, "what is
a three‐sided object
223
00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:52,145
"with two equal sides?"
224
00:11:52,178 --> 00:11:57,417
The Gettysburg Address.
225
00:11:57,450 --> 00:12:00,420
"For which speech
is Abraham Lincoln
most remembered?"
226
00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:03,456
The isosceles triangle.
227
00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:11,364
Something wrong?
228
00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:13,534
No, no, no.
229
00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:15,869
No, your answers
are right.
230
00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:17,303
Oh...
231
00:12:17,337 --> 00:12:18,905
You just memorized them
in the wrong order.
232
00:12:20,373 --> 00:12:22,976
Well, I just peeked
at the first few.
233
00:12:23,009 --> 00:12:24,978
That's cheating.
234
00:12:25,011 --> 00:12:27,013
It's my only chance.
235
00:12:27,047 --> 00:12:28,281
Nonsense, Radar.
236
00:12:28,314 --> 00:12:29,950
Now, you're smart enough
to get through this
237
00:12:29,983 --> 00:12:31,251
on your own.
238
00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:34,855
‐Okay?
‐Okay.
239
00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:40,827
Now, uh, I'm gonna
give you two famous
dates from history.
240
00:12:40,861 --> 00:12:41,862
Okay.
241
00:12:41,895 --> 00:12:44,264
‐1492.
‐Okay, hold it.
242
00:12:46,232 --> 00:12:49,002
1492, yeah.
243
00:12:49,035 --> 00:12:52,973
‐1776.
‐1776, uh‐huh.
244
00:12:53,006 --> 00:12:54,875
Now, what do these‐‐
245
00:12:54,908 --> 00:12:55,942
‐I know!
‐What?
246
00:12:55,976 --> 00:12:58,311
3,268.
247
00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:03,884
Congratulations, Radar.
248
00:13:03,917 --> 00:13:05,886
You've just graduated
from the Triple‐A
249
00:13:05,919 --> 00:13:09,189
High School Diploma Company
of Dellavin, Indiana.
250
00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:11,892
Oh, oh!
251
00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:14,561
Oh, thank you, sir.
252
00:13:14,595 --> 00:13:16,563
Thank you very much.
253
00:13:16,597 --> 00:13:20,100
Um... oh.
254
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:22,569
This is the proudest
moment of my life.
255
00:13:22,603 --> 00:13:24,538
‐Radar?
‐Sir?
256
00:13:29,075 --> 00:13:30,944
‐Your dad's pen?
‐Yeah.
257
00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:32,946
See if you can get the coffee
out of it, will ya?
258
00:13:35,215 --> 00:13:36,917
Yes, sir.
259
00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:39,352
♪♪♪
260
00:13:45,659 --> 00:13:46,727
HAWKEYE:
"Now, dad let mebring you up to date"on Frank Burnsand Hot Lips,
261
00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:49,029
"the King Kong and Fay Wrayof the 4077th.
262
00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:51,431
"Last week, Frank paid
an afternoon call,
263
00:13:51,464 --> 00:13:54,968
"but Hot Lips argued
that she had a brain
264
00:13:55,001 --> 00:13:57,571
"and Frank was only
interested in her bones.
265
00:13:57,604 --> 00:14:00,406
"We then found out,
that impossible as
Frank is as an enemy,
266
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,308
"he's intolerable
as a friend."
267
00:14:07,981 --> 00:14:10,651
‐Knock, knock.
‐Who's there?
268
00:14:10,684 --> 00:14:13,987
‐Abe Lincoln.
‐Abe Lincoln who?
269
00:14:14,020 --> 00:14:15,589
Don't you know me?
270
00:14:20,260 --> 00:14:22,629
‐That's awful.
‐(laughing)
271
00:14:22,663 --> 00:14:25,298
‐OK, can I do another one?
‐No!
272
00:14:25,331 --> 00:14:27,067
‐Knock, knock.
‐Who's there?
273
00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:29,402
‐Thomas Jefferson.
‐Thomas Jefferson who?
274
00:14:29,435 --> 00:14:31,237
Was Abe Lincoln just here?
(laughs)
275
00:14:34,274 --> 00:14:36,142
Hawkeye,
I never liked you.
276
00:14:36,176 --> 00:14:41,281
(laughter)
277
00:14:41,314 --> 00:14:43,416
Hiya, Chuckles.
278
00:14:45,686 --> 00:14:47,387
I gotta hand it
to you, Frank.
279
00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:50,223
You got all the gaiety
of an impacted wisdom tooth.
280
00:14:55,028 --> 00:14:57,063
Is that a martini?
281
00:14:57,097 --> 00:14:58,699
In case you didn't read
the paper today,
282
00:14:58,732 --> 00:15:01,034
Prohibition
was repealed.
283
00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:02,368
Well, I want one.
284
00:15:03,504 --> 00:15:06,172
A drink?
You, Frank?
285
00:15:06,206 --> 00:15:08,108
A double.
286
00:15:10,076 --> 00:15:12,445
Frank, if you have a drink,
you'll loosen up.
287
00:15:12,478 --> 00:15:14,380
You might even smile.
288
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:17,217
Frank, you could break
your face!
289
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:19,119
And leave out
the olive.
290
00:15:20,353 --> 00:15:23,056
You want to talk
about it, Frank?
291
00:15:23,089 --> 00:15:24,490
I don't want to talk
about it.
292
00:15:24,525 --> 00:15:26,092
I don't want to think
about it.
293
00:15:26,126 --> 00:15:27,293
I don't want to think
about talking about it.
294
00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:45,512
Hey, Frank, take it easy.
That's very young gin.
295
00:15:45,546 --> 00:15:47,313
Frank, go slow.
That stuff will take
the paint off your stomach.
296
00:15:52,018 --> 00:15:54,020
Fill 'er up.
297
00:15:59,092 --> 00:16:01,394
♪ A, B, C, D ♪
298
00:16:01,427 --> 00:16:04,464
♪ E, F, G, H, I... ♪
299
00:16:04,497 --> 00:16:08,702
♪ I got a gal in Kalamazoo ♪
300
00:16:08,735 --> 00:16:10,270
‐Frank?
‐Zoo.
301
00:16:11,371 --> 00:16:13,640
‐Frank?
‐Yo!
302
00:16:13,674 --> 00:16:16,977
If you don't stop singing,
I'll glue your tongue down!
303
00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:20,080
Don't be a party pooper.
304
00:16:20,113 --> 00:16:23,216
Or a pooter parpy.
305
00:16:23,249 --> 00:16:27,420
Frank, the party's over.
It's a quarter of three.
306
00:16:27,453 --> 00:16:32,125
♪ And there's no one in the
place except you and me ♪
307
00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:36,162
‐Frank, you take requests?
‐Anything.
308
00:16:36,196 --> 00:16:37,397
Shut your cakehole.
309
00:16:38,732 --> 00:16:41,502
♪ Oh, shut your cakehole ♪
310
00:16:41,535 --> 00:16:44,304
♪ The more I want you ♪
311
00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:48,241
Come on, Frank, knock it off!
Close your eyes!
312
00:16:48,274 --> 00:16:51,344
If I close my eyes,
my brain won't get any air.
313
00:16:51,377 --> 00:16:55,081
‐Your what?
‐I got a brain, you know!
314
00:16:55,115 --> 00:16:57,684
I got a brain
as big as hers are.
315
00:16:57,718 --> 00:17:00,554
Right, pal.
Right, buddy.
316
00:17:00,587 --> 00:17:02,322
Pal and buddy.
317
00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:04,658
I sure hope that's not a song.
318
00:17:08,862 --> 00:17:12,699
Get away from there, Frank.
We're closed.
319
00:17:12,733 --> 00:17:14,067
You know,
320
00:17:16,102 --> 00:17:19,105
no one ever called me "pal"
or "buddy"
321
00:17:19,139 --> 00:17:21,274
in my whole rotten life.
322
00:17:21,307 --> 00:17:23,510
You know what my own
brother used to call me?
323
00:17:23,544 --> 00:17:25,278
My own brother?
324
00:17:26,513 --> 00:17:28,582
Ferret Face.
325
00:17:33,119 --> 00:17:36,089
Can you imagine that?
326
00:17:36,122 --> 00:17:39,159
Do you think
I look like a weasel?
327
00:17:39,192 --> 00:17:41,361
‐No, Frank.
You're very handsome.
‐Honest?
328
00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:43,196
‐Honest.
‐Really?
329
00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:45,832
‐Do you think
he looks like a weasel?
‐Who?
330
00:17:45,866 --> 00:17:48,535
Ferret Face!
331
00:17:48,569 --> 00:17:52,773
Hey, I had a brother
used to call me that.
332
00:17:52,806 --> 00:17:55,776
Frank, go to sleep.
You look beautiful.
333
00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:05,285
Say, you sure you don't
love me just for my body?
334
00:18:05,318 --> 00:18:07,487
Believe me, Frank,
that's the last thing
335
00:18:07,521 --> 00:18:10,156
we love about you.
Go to sleep.
336
00:18:11,391 --> 00:18:13,860
Come on, you guys,
let's do something!
337
00:18:13,894 --> 00:18:17,330
MAN:
Hey, knock it off over there!
338
00:18:17,363 --> 00:18:21,434
Oh, yeah? How'd you like
to step inside and say that?
339
00:18:21,467 --> 00:18:24,104
(blows raspberry)
340
00:18:29,375 --> 00:18:32,613
Come on, fellas.
Let's do something.
341
00:18:32,646 --> 00:18:34,414
We don't want to do anything.
342
00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:36,216
Then I'll do something.
343
00:18:37,684 --> 00:18:40,286
‐What should I do?
‐Fall down, Frank.
344
00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:44,558
Right.
345
00:18:49,495 --> 00:18:50,597
‐How do you like the color?
‐I love it.
346
00:18:50,631 --> 00:18:53,534
Can I see you for
a second, Hawkeye?
347
00:18:53,567 --> 00:18:57,370
I told you not
to disturb me during
the Korean War.
348
00:18:57,403 --> 00:18:58,705
You know, I love
your blood type.
349
00:18:58,739 --> 00:18:59,806
I've always liked girls
with your blood type...
350
00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:02,142
Uh, it's important.
351
00:19:04,545 --> 00:19:06,446
Go away!
352
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:08,181
This young lady of
the nurse persuasion and I
353
00:19:08,214 --> 00:19:10,851
are discussing
the possibility
of a surrender.
354
00:19:10,884 --> 00:19:13,353
She's giving me
her terms right now.
355
00:19:13,386 --> 00:19:14,655
Why don't we go back
to my place and‐‐
356
00:19:14,688 --> 00:19:17,958
Uh, I think you're gonna
want to see this.
357
00:19:17,991 --> 00:19:19,560
W‐w‐where are you
going right now?
358
00:19:19,593 --> 00:19:21,562
‐To the nurses' shower.
‐Good, then I'll see you.
359
00:19:21,595 --> 00:19:25,298
Unless they plugged up
the hole.
360
00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:27,568
‐Important, huh?
‐Yep.
361
00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:29,870
It better be, or I'm putting
your appendix back.
362
00:19:33,306 --> 00:19:35,976
Terrific.
363
00:19:36,009 --> 00:19:38,211
Captain Casey, huh?
364
00:19:38,244 --> 00:19:40,847
‐I'm gonna go talk
to him right now.
‐After the choppers.
365
00:19:40,881 --> 00:19:42,716
‐What choppers?
‐RADAR: Wait for it.
366
00:19:42,749 --> 00:19:44,284
MAN (over intercom):
Attention, all personnel.
367
00:19:44,317 --> 00:19:45,919
Incoming choppers
with wounded.
368
00:19:45,952 --> 00:19:48,221
Report to the hospital,
all personnel.
369
00:19:56,663 --> 00:20:00,500
‐Very good work, Captain Casey.
‐Thank you, Father.
370
00:20:03,537 --> 00:20:04,905
I'll give you
a hand here.
371
00:20:04,938 --> 00:20:07,307
It's all right,
Captain.
372
00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:08,975
Better let me give you
a hand, Sergeant.
373
00:20:17,050 --> 00:20:18,819
The provost marshal has
a circular out on you.
374
00:20:18,852 --> 00:20:20,854
You're hot, fella.
375
00:20:24,558 --> 00:20:26,359
Are you gonna blow
the whistle?
376
00:20:26,392 --> 00:20:30,296
Be off the base in
24 hours, and never, repeat,
377
00:20:30,330 --> 00:20:33,867
never touch a patient again
without a licence.
378
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:35,636
And contact me
the minute you get one.
379
00:20:35,669 --> 00:20:38,004
You're a damn
good surgeon.
380
00:20:38,038 --> 00:20:39,540
On the level?
381
00:20:39,573 --> 00:20:41,975
Next to you, Frank Burns
is an alterations lady.
382
00:20:44,845 --> 00:20:47,480
Thanks.
383
00:20:48,782 --> 00:20:50,751
I gotta ask you
one question.
384
00:20:50,784 --> 00:20:52,485
"Why?"
385
00:20:54,588 --> 00:20:58,024
Well, I've passed myself
off as a teacher,
386
00:20:58,058 --> 00:21:00,493
a lawyer, an engineer.
387
00:21:01,728 --> 00:21:04,397
I can do it all.
388
00:21:04,430 --> 00:21:05,532
I just never had
the patience
389
00:21:05,566 --> 00:21:08,669
to go through it
by the numbers.
390
00:21:08,702 --> 00:21:10,070
I guess I never
had the drive
391
00:21:10,103 --> 00:21:14,541
to get the diploma,
the permit, whatever.
392
00:21:14,575 --> 00:21:16,309
Try it once.
393
00:21:16,342 --> 00:21:18,512
You'll be great, Casey.
394
00:21:19,980 --> 00:21:22,816
Schwartz, actually.
395
00:21:32,659 --> 00:21:35,562
HAWKEYE:
"I forgot to thank you for
sending me your old tuxedo.
396
00:21:35,596 --> 00:21:36,930
"It really added
a touch of class
397
00:21:36,963 --> 00:21:39,032
"to our charity
no‐talent night."
398
00:21:39,065 --> 00:21:40,934
(piano playing)
399
00:21:40,967 --> 00:21:43,770
(indistinct chatter)
400
00:21:43,804 --> 00:21:46,573
♪♪♪
401
00:21:52,679 --> 00:21:55,949
(applause)
402
00:22:00,687 --> 00:22:02,523
Thank you, thank you,
thank you.
403
00:22:02,556 --> 00:22:05,592
Before bringing on
our all‐star attraction,
404
00:22:05,626 --> 00:22:07,594
I'd like to say
that tonight
405
00:22:07,628 --> 00:22:12,032
we raised over $300 for
the Korean Refugee Fund.
406
00:22:12,065 --> 00:22:14,835
(applause)
407
00:22:14,868 --> 00:22:18,004
And‐and someone who wishes
to remain anonymous
408
00:22:18,038 --> 00:22:20,006
gave $5 for Israel.
409
00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:21,808
(laughter)
410
00:22:21,842 --> 00:22:23,810
And now we'd like
to bring you an act
411
00:22:23,844 --> 00:22:25,612
with a lot of polish.
412
00:22:25,646 --> 00:22:28,148
And they're going to sell it
right after the show.
413
00:22:28,181 --> 00:22:31,151
(booing)
414
00:22:31,184 --> 00:22:34,020
And here they are,
those doctors of rhythm,
415
00:22:34,054 --> 00:22:38,491
those medics of melody,
the 4077th's own
416
00:22:38,525 --> 00:22:41,528
Hawkeye Pierce
and his Swinging Surgeons,
417
00:22:41,562 --> 00:22:44,097
under the direction
of Colonel Henry Blake!
418
00:22:44,130 --> 00:22:46,600
(applause)
419
00:22:49,636 --> 00:22:51,505
Give me an M.
420
00:22:51,538 --> 00:22:52,506
(playing note on piano)
421
00:22:52,539 --> 00:22:55,609
(humming,
bass strumming)
422
00:23:02,549 --> 00:23:14,661
♪♪♪
423
00:23:14,695 --> 00:23:20,567
(playing out of tune)
424
00:23:20,601 --> 00:23:22,869
♪♪♪
425
00:23:22,903 --> 00:23:25,672
‐(Hawkeye singing indistinctly)
‐♪ You'll see a smiling face ♪
426
00:23:25,706 --> 00:23:28,141
♪ When evening is nigh ♪
427
00:23:28,174 --> 00:23:31,745
♪ We'll hurry to
my blue heaven ♪
428
00:23:31,778 --> 00:23:33,079
♪ Heaven ♪
429
00:23:33,113 --> 00:23:34,548
♪ A turn to the right ♪
430
00:23:34,581 --> 00:23:36,817
♪ A little white light ♪
431
00:23:36,850 --> 00:23:40,654
♪ Will lead you to
my blue heaven ♪
432
00:23:40,687 --> 00:23:44,525
(drum solo)
433
00:23:44,558 --> 00:23:49,763
♪ You'll see a smiling face
a fireplace a cozy room ♪
434
00:23:49,796 --> 00:23:53,767
♪ A little nest that's nestled
where the roses bloom ♪
435
00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:56,102
♪ Just Molly and me ♪
436
00:23:56,136 --> 00:23:58,772
♪ And baby makes three ♪
437
00:23:58,805 --> 00:24:04,678
♪ We're happy in
my blue heaven ♪
438
00:24:04,711 --> 00:24:05,979
One more time!
439
00:24:06,012 --> 00:24:09,742
(booing)
440
00:24:15,099 --> 00:24:17,801
I'd like to write more Dad,
but its Saturday night
441
00:24:17,801 --> 00:24:19,541
the one night we all look forward to
442
00:24:19,541 --> 00:24:23,229
"I'm gonna shower now, shave,put on a clean uniform
443
00:24:23,263 --> 00:24:25,131
"and cry myself to
sleep
444
00:24:25,165 --> 00:24:27,768
"Kiss mom and sis."
445
00:24:27,801 --> 00:24:29,970
Hawkeye!
Hawkeye, are you asleep?
446
00:24:30,003 --> 00:24:31,938
I never know.
447
00:24:31,972 --> 00:24:34,074
There's somebody here
who'd like to say
goodbye to you.
448
00:24:38,111 --> 00:24:40,146
I'd just like to thank you
for everything you did.
449
00:24:40,180 --> 00:24:42,148
And everything
you didn't.
450
00:24:42,182 --> 00:24:43,717
In a place crawling
with characters,
451
00:24:43,750 --> 00:24:45,786
you certainly held
your own, "doctor".
452
00:24:45,819 --> 00:24:47,754
No, not any more.
453
00:24:56,196 --> 00:24:58,198
Goodbye, my son.
454
00:24:58,231 --> 00:25:00,667
♪♪♪
455
00:25:07,173 --> 00:25:10,110
♪♪♪ (theme)
32217
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