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1
00:00:03,504 --> 00:00:05,506
♪♪♪ (theme)
2
00:01:00,326 --> 00:01:02,729
Hey, Major, let me see
that X‐ray, will ya?
3
00:01:06,132 --> 00:01:07,668
Oh, yeah, right.
Okay. All right, thank you.
4
00:01:09,603 --> 00:01:12,338
Thank you!
5
00:01:12,372 --> 00:01:15,275
Come on,
you little bugger.
6
00:01:15,308 --> 00:01:16,309
Ah!
7
00:01:16,342 --> 00:01:18,244
Gotcha.
8
00:01:18,278 --> 00:01:19,613
Thanks to my experience
9
00:01:19,646 --> 00:01:21,214
as pick‐up‐sticks champion
of southern Maine.
10
00:01:21,247 --> 00:01:22,482
(clatter)
11
00:01:22,516 --> 00:01:25,185
Now you can identify us
to your lawyer.
12
00:01:25,218 --> 00:01:27,320
Uh, can I have
that bullet, Doc?
13
00:01:27,353 --> 00:01:28,722
A souvenir.
14
00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:30,490
Well, I had a buyback deal
with the sniper,
15
00:01:30,524 --> 00:01:31,658
but all right.
16
00:01:34,494 --> 00:01:35,729
Well...
17
00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:37,163
a little thing like this
18
00:01:37,197 --> 00:01:38,832
is not gonna
keep me off the line.
19
00:01:38,865 --> 00:01:40,567
Frank, that's
Colonel Buzz Brighton!
20
00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:42,836
I saw his picture
in Stars and Stripes.
21
00:01:42,869 --> 00:01:45,606
‐Oh, a colonel.
‐Yeah.
22
00:01:45,639 --> 00:01:48,308
I didn't realize that we
were carving on a full bird.
23
00:01:48,341 --> 00:01:49,576
Yeah, instead
of a local,
24
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:51,512
we should've used
something imported.
25
00:01:51,545 --> 00:01:53,547
Ah, you save that stuff
for the sick guys.
26
00:01:53,580 --> 00:01:54,781
Hey, listen,
I'm not kiddin'.
27
00:01:54,815 --> 00:01:56,249
When that local
wears off,
28
00:01:56,282 --> 00:01:57,651
you're gonna really
feel somethin'.
29
00:01:57,684 --> 00:01:59,185
Why don't you come by
the Swamp later
30
00:01:59,219 --> 00:02:00,353
for some homemade
painkiller.
31
00:02:00,386 --> 00:02:01,555
The Swamp?
32
00:02:01,588 --> 00:02:03,456
‐Yeah, our tent.
‐It's lovely.
33
00:02:03,489 --> 00:02:05,391
Just knock on the "condemned"
sign and come in.
34
00:02:10,396 --> 00:02:12,799
Careful, Major.
Somebody's liable to
trip over your tongue.
35
00:02:16,937 --> 00:02:18,805
(laughter)
36
00:02:23,276 --> 00:02:26,680
Ooo! Wow.
That's great gin.
37
00:02:26,713 --> 00:02:28,414
Oh, that's because
it's aged.
38
00:02:28,448 --> 00:02:30,250
Yeah, it's been cooking
since 8:00 this morning.
39
00:02:30,283 --> 00:02:31,384
Can I get you a refill?
40
00:02:31,417 --> 00:02:32,786
Ah, no, I'll get it.
41
00:02:32,819 --> 00:02:34,921
Hey, listen, Buzz,
you better use this cane.
42
00:02:34,955 --> 00:02:36,356
You don't wanna
overwork that leg.
43
00:02:36,389 --> 00:02:38,291
Well, I don't wanna
baby it, either.
44
00:02:38,324 --> 00:02:39,726
You don't think
this is the first slug
45
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:41,595
‐I've picked up, do ya?
‐Yeah, I noticed that.
46
00:02:41,628 --> 00:02:43,764
You got more stitches
in your butt than a sampler.
47
00:02:43,797 --> 00:02:46,332
(laughing) All right,
come on, fellas.
48
00:02:46,366 --> 00:02:47,634
When can I get
back to my men?
49
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:49,302
Couple of days.
50
00:02:49,335 --> 00:02:50,436
You know, you gotta
take it easy.
51
00:02:50,470 --> 00:02:51,938
Mental rest
is important, too.
52
00:02:51,972 --> 00:02:53,306
Now look, don't put me
in the same league
53
00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:55,341
with the battle
fatigue phonies.
54
00:02:55,375 --> 00:02:57,310
That's just another way of
yelling "chicken" in my book.
55
00:02:57,343 --> 00:03:00,280
I've heard of anxiety
and overexposure to stress,
56
00:03:00,313 --> 00:03:02,849
but, uh, I don't believe
Freud ever mentioned chicken,
57
00:03:02,883 --> 00:03:04,317
do you, Doctor?
58
00:03:04,350 --> 00:03:05,552
I believe once,
59
00:03:05,586 --> 00:03:06,787
in describing
his mother's soup.
60
00:03:06,820 --> 00:03:10,356
(laughing)
61
00:03:10,390 --> 00:03:13,493
Look, all I wanna do
is get back to my outfit.
62
00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:14,728
You know, this war
is not gonna wait
63
00:03:14,761 --> 00:03:16,730
just because
I'm sidetracked.
64
00:03:16,763 --> 00:03:19,833
I'll bet it got slowed down
a little, though, didn't it?
65
00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:21,968
Every time you get a wild
hare and yell "charge,"
66
00:03:22,002 --> 00:03:24,738
our surgery here is
standing room only.
67
00:03:24,771 --> 00:03:26,740
Ah, casualties
are part of the game.
68
00:03:26,773 --> 00:03:28,308
If it costs ya a few
good men to take a hill,
69
00:03:28,341 --> 00:03:29,643
that's a price
you gotta pay.
70
00:03:29,676 --> 00:03:31,512
I mean, some real estate
doesn't come cheap.
71
00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:33,947
Well, to be honest,
we're not too hot
for your business.
72
00:03:35,448 --> 00:03:37,283
Taking care of your
outfit is a little bit
73
00:03:37,317 --> 00:03:39,586
like making a house call
at Custer's Last Stand.
74
00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:42,022
You know, you guys
are really civilians.
75
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:44,658
Right down to our
yellow bellybuttons.
76
00:03:44,691 --> 00:03:48,428
Now, you got your whole lives
to perfect your trade.
77
00:03:48,461 --> 00:03:49,963
I'm an army officer.
78
00:03:49,996 --> 00:03:52,332
And this war, you know,
is not gonna last forever.
79
00:03:52,365 --> 00:03:54,601
Well, no war's perfect.
80
00:03:54,635 --> 00:03:57,504
Now the way I look
at it is I only got a
certain amount of time
81
00:03:57,538 --> 00:03:59,640
to knock off a couple
of thousand gooks,
82
00:03:59,673 --> 00:04:01,441
turn a lot of
boys into men,
83
00:04:01,474 --> 00:04:03,610
and make a few points
for myself.
84
00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:06,547
With a little time left over
to divide the Red Sea.
85
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:08,982
(chuckling) I'll leave
that for the Marines.
86
00:04:10,917 --> 00:04:12,452
Oh...
87
00:04:14,387 --> 00:04:15,789
Well, thanks for the hooch.
88
00:04:15,822 --> 00:04:17,023
I think I'll go out
89
00:04:17,057 --> 00:04:19,425
and get myself
a little exercise here.
90
00:04:19,459 --> 00:04:20,761
I'll see ya.
91
00:04:23,496 --> 00:04:24,698
Right...
92
00:04:24,731 --> 00:04:25,932
Whaddaya say we
put him to sleep
93
00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:27,768
and put the bullet
back in his leg?
94
00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:29,402
Oh, he's a beauty.
95
00:04:29,435 --> 00:04:31,371
We got us a real
ring banger here.
96
00:04:31,404 --> 00:04:32,405
A what banger?
97
00:04:32,438 --> 00:04:33,740
Didn't you see the way
98
00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:35,008
he kept banging his ring
on the chair?
99
00:04:35,041 --> 00:04:36,877
Yeah.
100
00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:38,845
A little reminder that he's
a quarterback in this war
101
00:04:38,879 --> 00:04:40,413
and we're just water boys.
102
00:04:40,446 --> 00:04:42,415
Well, I got a feeling
he wouldn't be so tall
103
00:04:42,448 --> 00:04:44,417
if he weren't standing
on so many bodies.
104
00:04:46,052 --> 00:04:48,555
Whaddaya say
we try to keep Buzz
around for a while?
105
00:04:50,691 --> 00:04:52,993
I got the information
you guys wanted.
106
00:04:53,026 --> 00:04:54,895
You're a model of
industry and sneakiness.
107
00:04:54,928 --> 00:04:56,730
Yeah, well my friend
at Walter Reed says
108
00:04:56,763 --> 00:04:59,432
that, uh, Colonel Brighton's
physicals have been perfect.
109
00:04:59,465 --> 00:05:00,834
Let me see that.
110
00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:03,904
That's disgusting.
111
00:05:03,937 --> 00:05:05,639
This guy is so fit,
112
00:05:05,672 --> 00:05:07,608
he'll be in good health
two years after he's dead.
113
00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:10,410
Look at this
West Point info.
114
00:05:10,443 --> 00:05:12,378
Guess what he broke.
115
00:05:12,412 --> 00:05:14,014
His back.
116
00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:16,583
His front.
117
00:05:16,617 --> 00:05:18,852
The all‐time record for
never being on sick call.
118
00:05:18,885 --> 00:05:20,887
Terrific.
119
00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:22,889
And will you look
at this?
120
00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:25,091
The guy's racked up
twice as many casualties
121
00:05:25,125 --> 00:05:26,727
as any other
regimental commander
122
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,630
while only gaining
half the ground.
123
00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:31,497
I think this guy oughta
come outta the game
124
00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:32,799
for a little while.
125
00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:34,400
Why don't we gift wrap
126
00:05:34,434 --> 00:05:35,969
a few dysentery germs
for him?
127
00:05:39,773 --> 00:05:41,374
Is Colonel Blake in?
128
00:05:41,407 --> 00:05:42,776
No, sir.
He's in his tent, sir.
129
00:05:44,144 --> 00:05:45,746
Good morning,
Frank.
130
00:05:46,947 --> 00:05:48,715
Wouldn't you like to know?
131
00:05:51,652 --> 00:05:53,887
The problem is in Buzz' mind.
132
00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:55,455
That's where
we ought to strike.
133
00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:59,526
A little homemade
battle fatigue.
134
00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:01,695
A karate chop to his reality.
135
00:06:01,728 --> 00:06:03,630
What are you guys
building?
136
00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:05,666
Even if I knew,
I wouldn't tell you.
137
00:06:10,671 --> 00:06:12,773
‐But, sir‐‐
‐Oh! Ouch!
138
00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:14,440
Oh, my ear.
139
00:06:14,474 --> 00:06:15,742
Is there any blood?
140
00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:19,045
Oh, for Pete's sake,
sir, you're a doctor.
141
00:06:19,079 --> 00:06:21,147
Listen, Frank,
I could paint a barn
142
00:06:21,181 --> 00:06:22,649
with someone else's blood.
143
00:06:22,683 --> 00:06:24,785
I just can't stand
to see my own.
144
00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:28,889
I was right there
in the operating room.
145
00:06:28,922 --> 00:06:30,924
It was a simple excision
of a bullet from his thigh.
146
00:06:30,957 --> 00:06:33,059
No post‐op infection,
no evidence of a fracture,
147
00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:34,795
no reason for him
to still be here,
148
00:06:34,828 --> 00:06:36,763
except that maybe he's
become a drinking buddy
149
00:06:36,797 --> 00:06:38,464
of Pierce and McIntyre.
150
00:06:38,498 --> 00:06:42,135
Last night, they filled
a bucket with gin
151
00:06:42,168 --> 00:06:43,904
and were bobbing
for olives.
152
00:06:46,006 --> 00:06:47,608
You want to see me,
Lieutenant?
153
00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:49,009
I'm just leaving
to pick up
154
00:06:49,042 --> 00:06:50,777
those supplies
in Seoul, Colonel.
155
00:06:50,811 --> 00:06:52,913
Would you like to approve
my requisition?
156
00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:54,881
I certainly would.
157
00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:56,517
Excuse me, Frank.
158
00:06:56,550 --> 00:06:57,483
Of course.
159
00:06:58,819 --> 00:06:59,920
Ahem.
160
00:07:02,222 --> 00:07:04,057
Make sure the sardines
are boneless
161
00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:06,226
and the peanut butter's
chunky.
162
00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:07,761
If they're
out of cheese balls,
163
00:07:07,794 --> 00:07:09,029
get some smoked oysters.
164
00:07:10,564 --> 00:07:13,233
Can I kiss your ear
and make it better?
165
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:17,571
Not in front of, uh,
El Jerkorino.
166
00:07:18,705 --> 00:07:19,973
Yes.
167
00:07:20,006 --> 00:07:20,941
Yes, sir.
168
00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:23,844
Never mind. Ahem.
169
00:07:23,877 --> 00:07:26,012
Uh, carry on, Lieutenant.
170
00:07:26,046 --> 00:07:27,013
Yes, sir.
171
00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:30,050
Now, then, Frank?
172
00:07:30,083 --> 00:07:31,752
About Colonel Brighton, sir,
173
00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:34,054
I think Pierce and McIntyre
might be delib‐‐
174
00:07:38,825 --> 00:07:40,026
(chuckle) What‐‐
175
00:07:42,529 --> 00:07:45,031
Frank Burns is giving
Henry a hard time
176
00:07:45,065 --> 00:07:47,200
about your patient
Colonel Brighton.
177
00:07:47,233 --> 00:07:49,670
Oh, yeah?
Oh, thanks, Leslie.
178
00:07:49,703 --> 00:07:51,772
There'll be
a little something
under your pillow.
179
00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:52,839
Me.
180
00:07:56,843 --> 00:07:59,913
If you're unhappy, Frank,
examine Brighton yourself.
181
00:07:59,946 --> 00:08:02,883
I can? How can I ever
thank you, sir?
182
00:08:02,916 --> 00:08:04,117
Try leaving.
183
00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:05,251
Yes, sir.
184
00:08:07,688 --> 00:08:09,856
MAN (over P. A.):
Will the owner of a
red pick‐up truck,
185
00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:14,895
Illinois license LU6751,
186
00:08:14,928 --> 00:08:17,130
please fly back to Chicago
187
00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:19,800
and remove it from
in front of the Y?
188
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:23,870
‐Buzz?
‐48, 49, 50.
189
00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:25,205
Ah.
190
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,008
I feel great.
191
00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:29,543
I was afraid
of that.
192
00:08:29,576 --> 00:08:31,044
‐Absence of pain.
‐Mm‐hmm.
193
00:08:31,077 --> 00:08:33,146
Could be an inflammation
of the femur.
194
00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:34,715
And could cause
paraesthesia.
195
00:08:34,748 --> 00:08:36,316
‐Or thrombophlebitis.
‐Yeah.
196
00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:38,585
With an extension
of the femoral vessels,
197
00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:41,154
‐resulting in a
pulmonary embolism.
‐Right. Sure.
198
00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:44,257
‐What?
‐X‐rays don't lie, Buzz.
199
00:08:44,290 --> 00:08:46,126
Buzz, look, uh,
200
00:08:46,159 --> 00:08:48,061
we've been goin' over
your whole history,
201
00:08:48,094 --> 00:08:50,330
and, uh, we think
we should keep you
around for a week
202
00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:52,065
‐for observation.
‐No way!
203
00:08:52,098 --> 00:08:53,900
Buzz, look,
it's the best thing to do.
204
00:08:53,934 --> 00:08:56,803
No way!
They'll put someone else
in charge of my outfit.
205
00:08:56,837 --> 00:08:58,672
We've considered
that possibility.
206
00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:01,274
Look, do you mind if
I get a second opinion,
207
00:09:01,307 --> 00:09:02,976
talk to Colonel Blake?
208
00:09:03,009 --> 00:09:05,045
‐Henry?
‐Yeah.
209
00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:07,047
Oh, well, uh,
that's a good idea.
210
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:08,314
‐Yeah.
‐He's terrific,
211
00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:10,250
if you catch him early
enough in the day.
212
00:09:14,688 --> 00:09:16,289
What do you mean?
213
00:09:16,322 --> 00:09:17,991
Well, he slips away
once in a while and‐‐
214
00:09:18,024 --> 00:09:19,292
(gurgling)
215
00:09:19,325 --> 00:09:20,927
Oh, he's a boozer, uh?
216
00:09:20,961 --> 00:09:23,129
Oh, you don't
have to whisper.
Everybody knows.
217
00:09:23,163 --> 00:09:24,364
It's a tragedy, really.
218
00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:27,133
Yeah. Yeah.
See, Henry, uh,
219
00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:29,135
Henry could've been
head surgeon at Walter Reed.
220
00:09:29,169 --> 00:09:32,773
But, uh, well, he was swacked
when he did an appendectomy
221
00:09:32,806 --> 00:09:34,641
on a general's wife.
222
00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:37,243
It was a hell of a way
to take out her adenoids.
223
00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:39,245
Well, what about, uh...
224
00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:40,881
what's‐his‐name, Burns?
225
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:42,082
Now, he's a major.
226
00:09:42,115 --> 00:09:43,249
‐Yeah.
‐Mm‐hmm.
227
00:09:43,283 --> 00:09:44,718
Well, no offense,
but you guys
228
00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:45,919
are just captains,
aren't ya?
229
00:09:45,952 --> 00:09:47,821
(chuckles) Oh...
230
00:09:47,854 --> 00:09:49,890
‐Oh, I get your point.
‐Yeah.
231
00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:51,357
Yeah, Frank is a...
232
00:09:51,391 --> 00:09:53,794
terrific officer
and a great doctor.
233
00:09:53,827 --> 00:09:55,295
That's good enough for me.
234
00:09:55,328 --> 00:09:56,930
That other thing
doesn't matter at all.
235
00:09:56,963 --> 00:09:57,898
No.
236
00:10:01,668 --> 00:10:02,936
What other thing?
237
00:10:02,969 --> 00:10:05,672
‐Well, uh...
‐I don't think‐‐
238
00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:08,141
‐I don't think we should say.
‐No, I don't think so.
239
00:10:08,174 --> 00:10:09,710
I mean, he never
actually got caught.
240
00:10:09,743 --> 00:10:12,345
‐That's right.
‐Doing what?
241
00:10:12,378 --> 00:10:14,314
Well, it's not Frank's fault
he showed up at an air raid
242
00:10:14,347 --> 00:10:16,082
in high heels.
243
00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:20,921
Do you mean
that he's a...
244
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:22,188
But a fine doctor.
245
00:10:22,222 --> 00:10:23,957
And a great nurse.
246
00:10:26,192 --> 00:10:28,862
A major?
247
00:10:28,895 --> 00:10:30,997
Drop by later for a drink?
248
00:10:31,031 --> 00:10:32,999
What? Oh. Yeah.
249
00:10:41,374 --> 00:10:42,876
Colonel Brighton.
250
00:10:44,177 --> 00:10:45,746
I've been looking
all over for you.
251
00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:47,881
Oh?
252
00:10:49,282 --> 00:10:50,884
I want to give you a checkup,
253
00:10:50,917 --> 00:10:52,786
see what we can do about
getting you on your way.
254
00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:54,721
Uh‐huh.
255
00:10:54,755 --> 00:10:56,957
Just let me
get comfy here.
256
00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:09,202
Whose are those?
257
00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:13,807
Pierce and McIntyre,
they're always bringin'
nurses in here,
258
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:15,776
those degenerates.
259
00:11:15,809 --> 00:11:18,044
Oh, you think that
they're degenerates, huh?
260
00:11:18,078 --> 00:11:19,913
Oh, it really makes
no never mind.
261
00:11:19,946 --> 00:11:21,948
Now...
262
00:11:21,982 --> 00:11:24,050
I want to feel your leg.
263
00:11:26,319 --> 00:11:28,188
It feels fine.
264
00:11:35,328 --> 00:11:37,764
What are you trying to do?
265
00:11:37,798 --> 00:11:39,099
Take your pulse.
266
00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:40,466
Well, can't you do it
without touching me?
267
00:11:41,768 --> 00:11:43,203
Well, Colonel, I...
268
00:11:43,236 --> 00:11:44,905
Now look.
Forget it.
269
00:11:44,938 --> 00:11:46,306
Afternoon, Colonel.
270
00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:47,808
Your laundry, sir.
271
00:11:47,841 --> 00:11:49,242
Thank you. I...
272
00:11:52,278 --> 00:11:54,447
This stuff belongs
to Colonel Blake.
273
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:56,482
A little small for him,
don't you think?
274
00:11:56,517 --> 00:11:58,184
Oh, well,
they're not his.
275
00:11:58,218 --> 00:11:59,385
Oh, no.
276
00:11:59,419 --> 00:12:01,054
No, they belong to a
nurse friend of his.
277
00:12:01,087 --> 00:12:03,389
Another one of those
degenerates, right?
278
00:12:03,423 --> 00:12:05,225
Well, I didn't
say that, Colonel. I‐‐
279
00:12:07,327 --> 00:12:09,329
Hey. What do ya say, Buzz,
how's it going?
280
00:12:09,362 --> 00:12:11,264
I just had a close call
with that Burns character.
281
00:12:11,297 --> 00:12:13,033
Boy, you sure were
right about him.
282
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:14,801
‐Oh, I'm sorry.
‐Now, listen.
283
00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:16,436
You've gotta get me
outta here.
284
00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:18,038
Oh, we're doing
the best we can.
285
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:19,506
See, what you don't
understand is,
286
00:12:19,540 --> 00:12:21,374
any time a body has
been opened surgically,
287
00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:23,143
there's a shock
to the system.
288
00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:24,377
Kind of a head lag.
289
00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:25,979
Although,
your thigh is fine,
290
00:12:26,012 --> 00:12:27,447
because you're not
suffering any leg lag.
291
00:12:28,915 --> 00:12:30,050
Well, how long
do you figure?
292
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:31,985
‐A couple of days?
‐Oh, tops.
293
00:12:32,018 --> 00:12:33,486
You know, just until
you're really yourself again.
294
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:34,888
I am myself!
295
00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:37,423
What are you
talking about?
296
00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:39,993
Buzz?
Uh, where are you going?
297
00:12:40,026 --> 00:12:41,461
I'm going to my tent.
298
00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:43,930
‐This is your tent.
‐No, this is my tent here.
299
00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:45,966
I remember it, because that's
where the P. A. speaker‐‐
300
00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:53,206
...was.
301
00:13:00,413 --> 00:13:02,315
‐You'll be okay.
‐Oh, that Burns character,
302
00:13:02,348 --> 00:13:03,784
he really got to me.
303
00:13:14,194 --> 00:13:15,461
See, Buzz?
304
00:13:15,495 --> 00:13:17,063
This is your sack.
305
00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:19,332
And here is
all your gear.
306
00:13:19,365 --> 00:13:20,867
Yeah. Right.
307
00:13:23,504 --> 00:13:25,371
HAWKEYE:
Take it easy, Buzz, huh?
308
00:13:25,405 --> 00:13:26,372
Yeah, why don't you
lie down a while?
309
00:13:26,406 --> 00:13:27,841
You know, rest.
310
00:13:27,874 --> 00:13:29,442
Come on, you got
no place to go.
311
00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:30,944
Relax.
Finish your milk.
312
00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:32,913
BUZZ:
What milk?
313
00:13:32,946 --> 00:13:34,981
The milk you made such a fuss
about getting this morning.
314
00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:40,921
Oh.
315
00:13:40,954 --> 00:13:42,155
See you later,
Buzz, huh?
316
00:13:42,188 --> 00:13:43,489
Take a nice nap, okay?
317
00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:00,541
Can we go to your tent,
please?
318
00:14:00,574 --> 00:14:03,176
I've got something
I want you to see.
319
00:14:03,209 --> 00:14:04,578
They all break in the end.
320
00:14:07,313 --> 00:14:09,983
You'll, uh, you'll have to
excuse how the place looks.
321
00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:12,586
Yeah, the painters
really left a mess.
322
00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:15,522
I've just gone over
Colonel Brighton's file.
323
00:14:15,556 --> 00:14:17,257
X‐rays, the works.
324
00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:19,159
He's 100% fit.
325
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:20,861
Why are you
keeping him here?
326
00:14:23,263 --> 00:14:26,332
Look, do you want us
to ruin this guy's career?
327
00:14:26,366 --> 00:14:29,503
Put down what's really wrong
with him on his record?
328
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,371
Is that what you want?
329
00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:33,006
What are you
talking about?
330
00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:34,575
What am I talking about?
331
00:14:36,510 --> 00:14:38,612
What am I talking about?
332
00:14:40,013 --> 00:14:41,615
Well, um...
333
00:14:41,648 --> 00:14:43,449
Uh, sometimes
a little, uh, wound
334
00:14:43,483 --> 00:14:44,951
can trigger a bigger problem
335
00:14:44,985 --> 00:14:46,252
that's just beneath
the surface.
336
00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:48,254
That's what
I'm talking about!
337
00:14:48,288 --> 00:14:51,692
Buzz Brighton has lost
all confidence in himself.
338
00:14:51,725 --> 00:14:54,194
Not just as an officer.
As a man.
339
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:56,930
This morning there were
tears on his pillow.
340
00:14:56,963 --> 00:15:00,000
The bigger they are,
you know.
341
00:15:00,033 --> 00:15:02,002
More than once
they found Patton
342
00:15:02,035 --> 00:15:03,604
sobbing inside his tank.
343
00:15:09,142 --> 00:15:10,476
I never dreamed...
344
00:15:20,053 --> 00:15:22,523
Everybody thinks
he's a tower of strength.
345
00:15:24,324 --> 00:15:28,061
But inside that colonel
there's a private...
346
00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:29,563
that needs to be
cuddled and held,
347
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:31,965
just like
the rest of us.
348
00:15:31,998 --> 00:15:33,499
Ah, nobody cares.
349
00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:45,011
I want to thank you both
for setting me straight.
350
00:15:51,518 --> 00:15:52,485
(whistling)
351
00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:02,062
Hi, Frank.
352
00:16:09,269 --> 00:16:10,504
Want me to do your back?
353
00:16:10,537 --> 00:16:12,673
No, thanks, Mr. Wisenheimer.
354
00:16:19,713 --> 00:16:22,315
Hey, we got a poker
game scheduled in
the Swamp tonight,
355
00:16:22,348 --> 00:16:24,184
but we'll try to be finished
by the time you get back.
356
00:16:24,217 --> 00:16:26,720
I know you like
your beauty rest.
357
00:16:26,753 --> 00:16:30,090
Oh, I'm not going
anywhere tonight.
358
00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:31,391
I thought you had
a date with Hot Lips‐‐
359
00:16:31,424 --> 00:16:33,026
Uh‐uh...
Major Houlihan.
360
00:16:33,059 --> 00:16:35,228
I do not.
361
00:16:35,261 --> 00:16:37,063
It's just that I saw her
getting all spiffed up.
362
00:16:37,097 --> 00:16:39,700
I thought you two were gonna
tip‐toe through the minefield.
363
00:16:39,733 --> 00:16:41,267
Spiffed up?
364
00:16:41,301 --> 00:16:43,637
Yeah, you know,
hairdos, nail polish.
365
00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:45,238
Never mind!
366
00:16:45,271 --> 00:16:46,707
What the major does
is her own business.
367
00:16:48,542 --> 00:16:51,144
After all, her affairs
are her own affairs.
368
00:16:51,177 --> 00:16:53,780
Oh, and not that I mean
to imply that she has any.
369
00:16:53,814 --> 00:16:56,583
I don't go sticking
my nose into her hairdos.
370
00:16:56,617 --> 00:17:00,253
And you would do very well to
keep your stories to yourself
371
00:17:00,286 --> 00:17:01,755
and mind your own beeswax!
372
00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:04,490
Take it easy, Frank.
373
00:17:04,525 --> 00:17:05,692
You're getting
yourself into a lather.
374
00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:12,733
‐Margaret, who are you seeing?
‐Frank, what's wrong?
375
00:17:12,766 --> 00:17:15,502
And where? It's him,
isn't it? Buzz!
376
00:17:15,536 --> 00:17:17,704
You got one look at his thigh
and you went crazy!
377
00:17:17,738 --> 00:17:19,773
(gasping) Frank! What‐‐
378
00:17:19,806 --> 00:17:22,175
Just because someone
is strong and muscular.
379
00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:24,811
You're a pushover
for powerfully
built guys like us.
380
00:17:24,845 --> 00:17:26,513
It's nothing like that.
381
00:17:26,547 --> 00:17:28,081
Then why the
new hairdo and...
382
00:17:28,114 --> 00:17:29,215
(sniffing)
383
00:17:29,249 --> 00:17:31,484
And‐and‐and‐and
the perfume, and...
384
00:17:31,518 --> 00:17:33,754
‐(sniffing)
‐Frank, don't sniff.
385
00:17:34,855 --> 00:17:37,824
‐Oh, Margaret.
‐Frank.
386
00:17:37,858 --> 00:17:41,127
You're dripping
on my foot.
387
00:17:41,161 --> 00:17:42,796
Oh, I was just in
the shower, and I‐‐
388
00:17:42,829 --> 00:17:45,832
Well, you can't just
come in here dripping
and sniffing!
389
00:17:45,866 --> 00:17:48,835
Would you promise me
that there's nothing
390
00:17:48,869 --> 00:17:50,236
between you
and the colonel?
391
00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:52,272
Nothing!
And that's an order!
392
00:17:54,641 --> 00:17:56,276
Oh, Margaret.
393
00:17:57,544 --> 00:17:59,245
Oh, Frank.
394
00:18:00,714 --> 00:18:03,216
Remember the‐the chief
nurse Major Houlihan?
395
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:04,718
‐Yeah, the blonde.
‐Right. Okay, now,
396
00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:06,452
she's gonna be around
later to check you out.
397
00:18:06,486 --> 00:18:08,121
And it's very
important, too, Buzz‐‐
398
00:18:08,154 --> 00:18:09,523
because, you see,
after we sign your release,
399
00:18:09,556 --> 00:18:11,157
she also has to
sign you out.
400
00:18:11,191 --> 00:18:12,559
And she's
a great‐looking gal.
401
00:18:12,593 --> 00:18:14,360
Oh, you should see
her in a sweater!
402
00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:16,229
She'll melt
your helmet line.
403
00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:17,798
And passionate!
404
00:18:17,831 --> 00:18:19,866
Oh, her lips are set
at automatic pucker.
405
00:18:19,900 --> 00:18:21,535
‐Hey, that's very good.
‐Listen.
406
00:18:21,568 --> 00:18:23,904
Now, this should be
very interesting.
407
00:18:23,937 --> 00:18:26,472
She really simmers,
our Hot Lips.
408
00:18:26,507 --> 00:18:27,641
Well, you call her Hot Lips?
409
00:18:27,674 --> 00:18:29,175
And not because
she's left‐handed.
410
00:18:29,209 --> 00:18:30,476
(laughing)
411
00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:37,250
Thanks for
clueing me in.
412
00:18:37,283 --> 00:18:39,219
Oh, there's only
one thing, Buzz.
413
00:18:41,722 --> 00:18:44,725
Uh, she and
Colonel Blake, uh...
414
00:18:44,758 --> 00:18:47,193
The boozer?
415
00:18:47,227 --> 00:18:49,295
Hey, I'm glad
you told me.
416
00:18:54,500 --> 00:18:56,703
Uh, where you going?
417
00:18:56,737 --> 00:18:58,839
I'm going to my, uh...
418
00:18:58,872 --> 00:19:00,306
tent.
419
00:19:09,516 --> 00:19:11,417
Are you absolutely certain
420
00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:13,954
that I have to be checked out
for small arms proficiency?
421
00:19:13,987 --> 00:19:15,589
Yes, sir. It's something new.
422
00:19:15,622 --> 00:19:17,891
It's probably on account
of, uh, the war.
423
00:19:17,924 --> 00:19:19,726
It's right here in these
new orders that came‐‐
424
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:21,962
Oh, never mind.
It just seems funny
425
00:19:21,995 --> 00:19:23,764
they say do it
at night.
426
00:19:23,797 --> 00:19:24,931
Night fighting, sir.
427
00:19:24,965 --> 00:19:26,700
There's a lot of it
these days.
428
00:19:26,733 --> 00:19:28,869
Yeah, but I'm a doctor.
I don't go running‐‐
429
00:19:28,902 --> 00:19:30,671
Necessary if you
expect to collect
430
00:19:30,704 --> 00:19:33,674
your $325 pistol allowance.
431
00:19:33,707 --> 00:19:34,741
Well...
432
00:19:34,775 --> 00:19:36,409
for that kind of money,
433
00:19:36,442 --> 00:19:38,912
I guess I can take
a shot in the dark.
434
00:19:38,945 --> 00:19:40,614
(laughing)
435
00:19:40,647 --> 00:19:43,316
Oh. That's probably
a joke, isn't it, sir?
436
00:19:45,285 --> 00:19:46,319
Anybody home?
437
00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:47,588
What's up, Pierce?
438
00:19:47,621 --> 00:19:48,955
Henry, can I keep this
bottle in your locker?
439
00:19:48,989 --> 00:19:50,657
Nothing's safe
in the Swamp.
440
00:19:50,691 --> 00:19:52,593
‐Yeah, key's in the desk.
‐Thank you.
441
00:19:52,626 --> 00:19:54,360
Oh, you wouldn't like
a shot, would you?
442
00:19:54,394 --> 00:19:56,329
It's a little
nippy out tonight.
443
00:19:56,362 --> 00:19:58,799
Yes, sir, the temperature's
dropped to almost 98.
444
00:19:58,832 --> 00:20:00,834
Well, maybe a wee dram.
445
00:20:02,803 --> 00:20:04,771
Here's looking up
your old address.
446
00:20:19,419 --> 00:20:20,987
‐Oh‐‐
‐Colonel,
447
00:20:21,021 --> 00:20:23,824
I'm Margaret Houlihan.
448
00:20:23,857 --> 00:20:27,327
Uh, nice of you
to drop by, Major.
449
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:30,363
I'm not here
as an officer...
450
00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:32,666
or as a nurse.
451
00:20:32,699 --> 00:20:34,968
I'm here as a woman
452
00:20:35,001 --> 00:20:38,004
who sees you not only
as a warrior
453
00:20:38,038 --> 00:20:39,773
but as a man.
454
00:20:39,806 --> 00:20:40,974
Oh.
455
00:20:46,547 --> 00:20:47,814
Why, thank you.
456
00:20:50,717 --> 00:20:52,686
A very exciting man.
457
00:20:53,754 --> 00:20:55,989
(ring banging on table)
458
00:20:56,022 --> 00:20:59,860
Buzz,
I want to help you.
459
00:20:59,893 --> 00:21:01,061
Yeah, well, I think‐‐
460
00:21:01,094 --> 00:21:03,296
you know, the only
help I need, Major,
461
00:21:03,329 --> 00:21:05,966
is just get a release, so
I can get back to the front.
462
00:21:05,999 --> 00:21:09,570
But we want to send you back
confident and strong.
463
00:21:11,371 --> 00:21:13,740
I know you're worried
about this thigh.
464
00:21:13,774 --> 00:21:15,375
No.
465
00:21:15,408 --> 00:21:16,843
You want it to be
as strong as this one.
466
00:21:16,877 --> 00:21:18,579
(sighs)
467
00:21:18,612 --> 00:21:20,046
‐Really, Major, uh‐‐
‐Margaret.
468
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:21,815
Ma‐Major Margaret.
469
00:21:21,848 --> 00:21:23,584
Uh...
now, just do...
470
00:21:23,617 --> 00:21:24,785
nothing to worry about.
I'm not worried.
471
00:21:24,818 --> 00:21:26,352
I'm gonna sit here,
472
00:21:26,386 --> 00:21:28,689
and wanna relax,
and be quiet.
473
00:21:28,722 --> 00:21:30,957
And drink my milk.
474
00:21:34,761 --> 00:21:36,830
Now this is really
the last one, Pierce,
475
00:21:36,863 --> 00:21:40,033
because I have got
to shoot some targets.
476
00:21:40,066 --> 00:21:42,603
And I didn't even know
they were in season.
477
00:21:45,839 --> 00:21:48,008
Easy. Easy.
I'm only human.
478
00:21:48,041 --> 00:21:50,076
You don't have to
be human with me.
479
00:21:50,110 --> 00:21:51,612
(pounding on door)
480
00:21:51,645 --> 00:21:53,346
Colonel Brighton?
It's Frank Burns.
481
00:21:53,379 --> 00:21:55,448
BOTH:
Why can't he leave me alone?
482
00:21:55,481 --> 00:21:56,482
(pounding)
483
00:21:56,517 --> 00:21:57,851
FRANK: Colonel?
484
00:21:57,884 --> 00:21:59,419
(whispering)
Don't say I'm here.
485
00:21:59,452 --> 00:22:01,387
(whispering)
Don't say I'm here.
486
00:22:01,421 --> 00:22:03,557
FRANK:
Colonel, are you alone?
487
00:22:03,590 --> 00:22:04,891
He can't keep his
hands off of me.
488
00:22:04,925 --> 00:22:06,560
Colonel,
I know you're there.
489
00:22:06,593 --> 00:22:07,594
He what?
490
00:22:08,695 --> 00:22:13,534
♪♪♪
491
00:22:13,567 --> 00:22:15,068
Time for
target practice, sir.
492
00:22:15,101 --> 00:22:16,570
Oh, let's go, Henry.
Gotta get out there.
493
00:22:16,603 --> 00:22:17,871
Okay.
494
00:22:17,904 --> 00:22:20,507
Don't move, Korea.
This is a stick‐up.
495
00:22:20,541 --> 00:22:22,108
‐See you down the road.
‐Okay.
496
00:22:22,142 --> 00:22:23,944
You're due on
the range, sir.
497
00:22:23,977 --> 00:22:28,649
♪ Where the deer
and the antelope play ♪
498
00:22:28,682 --> 00:22:31,084
♪ Where seldom
is heard... ♪
499
00:22:31,117 --> 00:22:32,586
Right this way, sir.
500
00:22:32,619 --> 00:22:33,920
♪ A discouraging word... ♪
501
00:22:33,954 --> 00:22:34,988
Yes, sir.
502
00:22:35,021 --> 00:22:37,023
‐After you, sir.
‐Thank you.
503
00:22:37,057 --> 00:22:38,424
You're welcome.
504
00:22:43,463 --> 00:22:44,865
‐Margaret!
‐Oh, Frank!
505
00:22:46,933 --> 00:22:48,602
Colonel Brighton!
506
00:22:48,635 --> 00:22:50,003
Buzz, be careful!
He's jealous.
507
00:22:50,036 --> 00:22:52,405
Well, why should he be?
I don't belong to him.
508
00:22:52,438 --> 00:22:53,907
You rat!
509
00:22:53,940 --> 00:22:55,642
Ow! Ow!
510
00:22:55,676 --> 00:22:57,110
‐What's going on here?
‐Ooh.
511
00:22:57,143 --> 00:22:58,612
Uh, Colonel,
look, I'm sorry.
512
00:22:58,645 --> 00:22:59,980
I didn't know
he was your girl.
513
00:23:00,013 --> 00:23:01,615
What?
514
00:23:01,648 --> 00:23:03,517
I'm sorry, I didn't
know she was your girl.
515
00:23:03,550 --> 00:23:04,951
Buzz, we wanted to ask
your advice on re‐enlisting‐‐
516
00:23:04,985 --> 00:23:06,720
You're drunk!
517
00:23:06,753 --> 00:23:08,188
Oh, that's a dirty lie,
518
00:23:08,221 --> 00:23:10,023
And I intend
to press charges...
519
00:23:10,056 --> 00:23:11,892
the minute I'm sober.
520
00:23:11,925 --> 00:23:14,194
Now, look, Colonel,
don't get in a beef
just because of me.
521
00:23:14,227 --> 00:23:16,663
‐Now, Colonel‐‐
‐Get your hands off of me!
522
00:23:16,697 --> 00:23:18,164
Keep your hands
off of me! Everybody!
523
00:23:18,198 --> 00:23:20,466
Keep your hands off of me!
No examination!
524
00:23:20,500 --> 00:23:22,102
I know how I am
and I know where I am.
525
00:23:22,135 --> 00:23:23,804
I'm‐I'm here.
526
00:23:23,837 --> 00:23:26,973
I am here and this is my tent
because that is my milk!
527
00:23:27,007 --> 00:23:28,041
Yes, sir.
528
00:23:28,074 --> 00:23:29,843
‐Henry?
‐What?
529
00:23:29,876 --> 00:23:31,778
Don't you think you better
get out on the range? Hmm?
530
00:23:31,812 --> 00:23:32,846
Me, too.
531
00:23:33,947 --> 00:23:34,948
Oh, Colonel...
532
00:23:34,981 --> 00:23:35,982
Don't shoot!
533
00:23:36,016 --> 00:23:37,884
Give him a chance, Henry.
534
00:23:37,918 --> 00:23:39,553
He's half out of his head
with battle fatigue.
535
00:23:39,586 --> 00:23:41,154
‐Right, Buzz?
‐Right.
536
00:23:41,187 --> 00:23:43,489
‐Now listen, I want‐‐
‐The ambulance is
right outside, sir.
537
00:23:43,524 --> 00:23:45,191
Why don't we go outside
to an ambulance?
538
00:23:45,225 --> 00:23:47,493
There's no more time.
Communication's
very important.
539
00:23:47,528 --> 00:23:48,695
You men, I'll see
you in the trenches.
540
00:23:48,729 --> 00:23:50,931
What is the matter
with him?
541
00:23:50,964 --> 00:23:52,599
Well, uh, Henry, he just
needs a little rest.
542
00:23:52,633 --> 00:23:53,934
Sign this, sir.
543
00:23:57,671 --> 00:23:59,506
‐Am I signing?
‐Yes, sir.
544
00:23:59,540 --> 00:24:00,741
Something good?
545
00:24:00,774 --> 00:24:02,142
You're sending Buzz
back to the States
546
00:24:02,175 --> 00:24:03,910
to cool off for
a couple of months.
547
00:24:03,944 --> 00:24:05,546
He'll need
a lot more than that.
548
00:24:05,579 --> 00:24:07,147
Oh. Oh, okay.
549
00:24:07,180 --> 00:24:09,850
Now then, what about
the old target practice?
550
00:24:09,883 --> 00:24:10,917
You got
eight outta ten, sir.
551
00:24:10,951 --> 00:24:12,485
I did?
552
00:24:12,519 --> 00:24:15,121
You just missed out on
your $325 pistol allowance.
553
00:24:15,155 --> 00:24:17,724
Oh, darn it.
554
00:24:17,758 --> 00:24:19,993
Henry, what say we go
back to the Swamp, hmm?
555
00:24:20,026 --> 00:24:21,194
Yeah, a little nightcap.
556
00:24:21,227 --> 00:24:22,963
I would love to, fellas,
557
00:24:22,996 --> 00:24:24,931
but I'm on duty.
558
00:24:24,965 --> 00:24:26,199
Carry on.
559
00:24:36,777 --> 00:24:38,579
You're getting better.
560
00:24:38,612 --> 00:24:39,913
Boy, I live for the day
561
00:24:39,946 --> 00:24:41,715
when you guys
are outta my life!
562
00:24:41,748 --> 00:24:43,517
Don't let them
get to you, Major.
563
00:24:43,550 --> 00:24:45,251
Just trying to brighten things
up a little bit, Frank.
564
00:24:45,285 --> 00:24:47,220
Brighten things up?
You're maniacs, you‐‐
565
00:24:47,253 --> 00:24:49,189
you and your friend!
Both of you!
566
00:24:49,222 --> 00:24:51,558
I don't know which one
of you is sicker!
567
00:24:51,592 --> 00:24:53,259
I'd like just
the tip of it off
568
00:24:53,293 --> 00:24:55,228
and turned up a little
at the end.
569
00:24:55,261 --> 00:24:57,063
You know,
the Dick Haymes look.
570
00:24:57,097 --> 00:24:58,899
Oh, you!
571
00:25:07,107 --> 00:25:09,242
♪♪♪ (theme)
40460
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