All language subtitles for MASH.S01E14.Love.Story.WEBRip.x264-ION10

♪♪♪ (theme)

(Trapper John laughing)

Hey, Radar, why
don't you eat with us?

Okay.

That's a nice‐looking
hors d'oeuvre.

Would you like
a doggy bag in advance?

Oh, don't give him
a doggy bag.

He eats those, too,
with cream and sugar.

Hey, what's
the matter, kid? Come on.

You gotta stay in training
for the Olympic Glutton Team.

I'll see you guys later.

‐What about your lunch?
‐I'm not eating.

That's a first.

Radar not eating.

Not eating?

We saw it
with our own eyes.

‐Aw, come on.
‐Henry, we were there.

You know,
yesterday I walked in here

and found him on top
of that filing cabinet

in the fetal position.

The fetal position?

Dr. Freud, call
your office, please.

And this morning,
General Clayton called
for the monthly report,

and Radar told him
"We don't deliver."

Well, we don't.

Not after 6.

That's not the point.

Colonel Blake.

I'm in conference,
Major.

What I have to say
is important.

I love shy, retiring women.

Colonel Blake,
I requisitioned

surgical silk
for the O. R.,

and I was sent two boxes
of ordinary cotton thread.

What are we supposed
to do with that?

How about learning
petit point?

The next time you see me,
I want a salute, Captain.

Shall we make it
in the women's
shower, Major?

You'd better do something

about the requisition
foul‐ups, Colonel‐‐

not your usual something,

but something
that means something.

I wonder how she'd like

some plaster of Paris
in her shaving cream?

Cotton thread. Do you
know how long it's been

since Radar screwed up
a requisition?

Henry, he's cracking up.

Or sick. Or both.

Hey.

Hey, suppose we give him
a complete physical,

take him through
a real workup.

Henry,
that's a good idea.

Well, I sometimes get them.

Okay, Muscles,
step behind the screen.

Hey, you know,
you're cute.

Just take
the picture.

HAWKEYE:
Kill the lights, Cutler.

CUTLER:
Hawkeye, do you mind?!

Keep your voice down.

You're disturbing
the patient!

She's not botherin' me.

Really, Hawkeye!

You act like such
a child at times!

(whistle)

Is it high?

High? According to this,

your blood should have
whitecaps.

Come on, snap it up,
will you, Radar?

Look, don't rush me.
It makes me nervous.

(whistling)

Whistling doesn't help,
you know.

Ah, come on,
get on with it.

(glass shatters)

Get it right this time,
and I'll give you a lollipop.

Listen,
everything is negative.

‐You're in good shape.
‐Told you I was all right.

If you were any healthier,
you could be In the Army.

Yeah. It's not organic.

Right. Your body is 1‐A.

But your mind if 4‐F.

You know, I've seen
these symptoms before.

It's called goldbricking.

My prescription
is a little extra duty.

Frank, would you mind
not being so true
red‐white‐and‐blue

first thing
in the morning?

Look, Radar,
this examination

only answers
half the questions.

Now come on, tell us.

What's bugging you?

It's nothing.

Is that
why you walk around

staring at your navel?

Although I don't know
anybody else who would.

It's nothing, I said.

Now listen to me, soldier.

We're all in this together
with a common goal‐‐

to serve our country
and repel the godless
horde from the north

that would engulf
our way of life.

‐Frank.
‐Hmm?

He's okay, but you're
making me sick.

Godless horde?

Oh, nertz to you.

Nertz?

Come on, Radar.
Let us help you.

Tell us, what's‐what's
turnin' you into a fruitcake?

Come on, kid.
What is it?

(sighing deeply)

Put it on and see.

FEMALE VOICE:
Hi, there, Radar.

This is Linda Sue, comin'
to you from the glass booth

of Holtzman's
Department Store.

Everything
is real good here,

and, being as how
you and I are engaged,

I think you should
be the first to know

I'm going to marry
Elroy Fimple.

Now, please don't
take it too hard

'cause I know we're all
gonna be real good friends

if you come back alive.

Just a minute now.

ELROY: Hiya, ol' buddy!

Say, I'm awful sorry
about what happened,

but I guess you have
to charge it up

to ol' Mother Nature.

Well, you know how it is.

And I sure hope
you understand.

Good luck, and keep
knockin' off them commies.

Bye now!

LINDA SUE:
Goodbye, Radar!

I'll always have
a soft place in my‐‐

‐Elroy!
‐(Elroy snickering)

‐It's a glass booth!
‐(Elroy giggling)

Elroy!

Quit kissing
that part, can you?

(Elroy laughing)

Elroy!

(phonograph off)

A "Dear John" recording.

Listen, Radar,
I know it's rough‐‐

Look, this
shouldn't be so hard.

What cures a man
of a broken heart?

Heavy alimony?

A date with Radar?

Yeah, let him take
you to the movies.

Oh, he's a nice
enough guy, but...

How 'bout tonight?

I can't, I'm busy.

I've got a date.

Oh, I'm sure.
With whom?

You.

Who else
can we think of?

Just a movie, O'Brien.

Or a walk over to
the rec tent for a beer.

Forget it.

Try it once.

Look, I promise you
he'll shave,

and he won't wear
his wool cap.

I'll even get him
to clean his glasses.

I'm very fond of him,

but I'm not going out with
Corporal Radar O'Reilly,

and that's that.

Would you hand me
my towel, please?

Dry yourself with this.

Trapper!

And I hope your shower
cap springs a leak.

He's bright,
he's a good talker.

He's got a warm personality
when you get to know him.

Radar?
Oh, come on!

Now, look.
Now, listen.

Just try
to imagine this.

You go for a walk in the
moonlight down by the river.

Take along a blanket
and a bottle of wine...

‐Mm‐hmm.
‐Hmm?

You sit in
a secluded spot.

There's just the sound
of the rippling water.

Mmmm.

And then after
that it's just

soft, moist, warm,
passionate kisses.

Oh, yeah, Hawkeye.
Yeah...

Oh, hey, well,
what about Radar?

Radar who?

What?

Well, listen, thanks
for the try, guys, anyway.

‐Look‐‐
‐I really appreciate it.

It just happens everybody
in camp was busy.

Don't let it
make you feel bad.

Yeah.

Radar,
you got to understand

no woman's worth
that kind of anguish.

Now look, let's face it.

I struck out in
the World Series of love.

Radar, just suffer.
Don't try to write.

(wolf whistle)

Lieutenant,
you'll stay here.

Lieutenant, come with me.

Corporal, get
the lieutenant's bags.

Uh, yes, sir.

Thanks.

That's sweet of you.

Um, Corporal?

‐Hmm?
‐Your hand.

Oh, that's all right.
I am not using it now.

(whistles)

Did you see her,
Hawkeye?

She's beautiful.

I know.
I heard the violins.

Actually, this is
a very nice bottle of wine.

It's got a picture
of a vineyard on the label

just to show it was
made outta grapes.

(chuckling)

What a nice gesture,
Captain.

Thank you very much.

It's for those days when
the surgeons get restless.

And you can
call me Hawkeye.

You're obviously in charge

of making the replacements
feel at home, right?

Oh, I just drive
the Welcome Wagon.

I think you'll
find we're a mighty
friendly bunch of folks

here in Cowardly Valley,
missy ma'am.

The Plays of
George Bernard Shaw.

Plato's Republic.

Oh, autographed by the author.

The Complete Works
of D'Annunzio.

That's very interesting.

Do you like Italian poets?

No, but I'm crazy
about lasagna.

Lieutenant, I was wondering
if you'd like to come over

to the rec tent
a little later

and meet some of
our brave little gang?

Oh, thanks. I'll meet
your brave little gang

in time, I'm sure.

There's one guy in particular

I know you'd enjoy meeting.

He's‐He's a brilliant
conversationalist.

Got a provocative sense
of humor, an inquiring mind.

I know you'll love him.

I'm sure I would,
but, uh...

Vivaldi?

Bach at Carnegie Hall.

Tchaikovsky,
Shostakovich...

You got some great
toe‐tappers here.

At least you got
the names right.

Oh, thank you.

I'm a "Beer Barrel
Polka" man myself.

Well, he said,
how 'bout later?

Pick you up
around 8:00?

You know, Hawkeye,

you're a very famous
local character.

Who squealed?

(chuckling)

And I am flattered.

But I'm also tired

and a little leery.

Thanks for the bottle.

I had a nice time
at your unpacking.

Hey, Radar,
you got a problem.

Come here.

This Lieutenant Anderson
has a brain.

Hawkeye, people with brains
don't get transferred here.

Oh, yeah?

This kid brushes her teeth
with an encyclopedia.

Look, I borrowed these
from Father Mulcahy

for training purposes.

You got a lotta
work to do.

War and Peace
by Leo Tolstoy.

War and peace?

Yeah, well, Tolstoy
was very flexible.

He went either way.

Now, look, you can't
possibly read all of these.

‐Just familiarize yourself
with the names and dates.
‐Yeah.

You know‐‐
You know what I mean?

‐Just fake it.
‐Yeah.

Decline and Fall
of the Roman Empire.

That sounds serious.

Well, it was no picnic.

"The crumbling Roman Empire
was beset with strife."

You just spoiled
the movie for me.

What do I do if she
corners me on something?

Okay, all right.
You just...

You look thoughtful
and you say:

"That's highly
significant."

‐No.
‐No, come on. Try it, try it.

That's highly
significant.

He said look thoughtful,
not sick.

All right, okay,
try this, try this:

"I consider that
horse‐and‐buggy thinking."

I consider that
horse‐and‐buggy thinking.

That's not bad.

‐Hey!
‐Yeah, I like that.

Now, look, you might
get into a discussion
about music with her.

Music?

Yeah, she's got some
pretty highbrow taste.

Mozart? Bach?
All the biggies?

Bach is easy.

If she brings him up,
you just smile

and you say:
"Ahh, Bach."

‐Ahh, Bach. ‐Smile a little bit.

‐Ahh, Bach! ‐That's nice.

Very good.
That's not bad.

Now, if she throws
other guys at you

‐like Shostakovich or Tchai‐‐
‐Who?

Shostakovich
or Tchaikovsky,

just try to look bored.

That's your bored look?

Yeah.

Go back to lookin' sick.

(sighing)

What do I do if she asks
me what I like in music?

Well, say, uh...

"Well, I'm partial
to the fugue."

Well, I'm partial
to the fugue.

Can I say that to
a girl I hardly know?

And, I've been working
at the headquarters
hospital in Seoul.

‐Very GI compared to this.
‐Oh.

Well, We run a very
informal shop around here.

We don't work too hard.

Yeah, we try not to
let the war spill over

into the cocktail hour.

‐Say something.
‐Speaking of Tolstoy...

Tolstoy? What about him?

Uh, Radar was saying
just the other day

how flexible he is.

Right, Radar?
Remember that?

‐Flexible?
‐Flexible.

Uh, what Radar meant was

that Tolstoy could either
work at his writing

or, uh, not work
at his writing.

Actually, he was one
of the hardest‐working

neo‐realist writers
of the 19th century.

I'll go along with that.

I'll tell you how
I feel about Tolstoy.

That's highly significant.

I haven't said
anything yet.

That's okay.

I have confidence
in you, Lieutenant.

Would you like some ketchup?

It wouldn't hurt.

Thanks.

Real service.

I'm pretty good
with mustard, too.

Yeah, we use a lot of
ketchup around here.

It improves the food.

Well, when in Rome...

The, uh, fall
of the Roman Empire

was due to
internal strife.

Yeah, that's interesting.

It's from The Decline and
Fall of the Roman Empire.

Radar reads an awful lot.

Big reader.

Yeah, as a matter of fact,
he's voracious.

Really?

Is that true?

Maybe it is...

and maybe it isn't.

Did you ever see
anything like that?

Making a fuss over
an enlisted man?

Fawning all over him?

It's almost obscene,
that's what it is.

Probably only got
one thing on her mind.

Don't say
that word, Frank.

Not at lunch.

I was telling Radar about
the great records you have.

Oh, yeah, you can borrow 'em
any time you want to, Radar.

Oh, thanks.

I've got Shostakovich,

and I've got the London
Symphony playing Tchaikovsky.

And, of course,
I never travel anywhere

without good old
Johann Sebastian.

Ahh.

Bach.

What does that mean?
"Ahh, Bach"?

Uh, just that.
Ahh, Bach.

I think once you've
said that, you've
said it all.

Ahh, Bach.

All right, hold it.

Somehow,
there's a mathematical
precision about Bach,

a complexity that adds
up to actual simplicity.

It‐it goes
beyond emotion.

Um, I suppose non‐lovers
of Bach, if there are any,

would never really be
able to understand it.

It's against regulations

for enlisted personnel
to consort with officers.

Major, has it
occurred to you

that these two people
may be in love?

‐That's not important. ‐Not
important?!

Without love,
what are we worth?

89 cents.

89 cents' worth of chemicals
walking around lonely.

That means my marriage
is only worth $1.78?

Colonel, Lieutenant Anderson
is one of my nurses.

I'm responsible
for her conduct.

Corporal O'Reilly
is your responsibility.

I want this affair
with him terminated!

Affair?!

You're worried
about Radar?

A near‐sighted,
prepubescent corporal

with six toes
on each foot?

While we're at it,
how many more physicals

are you and Frank
gonna exchange

before you declare
each other fit?

Are you going to
enforce the regulations

or try to lose it
in the shuffle?

I'm warning you: break up
this little romance,

or you'll force me
to make a formal complaint

over your head
to General Clayton.

One of these days
I'm gonna booby‐trap
her garter belt.

Wonder how she'd like it

if I broke up her romance
with Frank Burns?

I wonder how
she'd feel about that.

Now, Pierce,
I‐I did not hear that.

I did not hear that,
and if it comes to that,

I will‐I will deny
any complicity with,
or knowledge of,

that sort of cheap,
low, sneaky,

underhanded maneuver.

Think you can do it?

You got it.

With a little
butter and salt.

Wouldn't you like some

if we sent out
for some popcorn?

All right, folks, we'll,
uh, have our film now.

HAWKEYE:
I know what I need.

A couple of hotdogs,
like at a drive‐in.

TRAPPER JOHN:
For what?

HAWKEYE:
To watch the movies with.

Okay, uh, folks,
you want to, uh...

(chatter)

Would you kind of settle‐‐

All right, people, all right.

RADAR (shouting):
Quiet!

Thank you, Radar.

Our, uh, film today
deals with, uh, the, uh,

newest methods of
treating cardiogenic shock.

And along with that,
we'll have some slides

on the newest drugs
available to us,

uh, for the treatment
of this, uh, disorder.

Lights, please, Radar?
Thank you.

(clatter)

‐Hey, Frank.
‐Yeah? Yeah?

Uh, Major, I just got
word that you're needed

right away
in the post‐op.

Oh, coming.

Listen, this is
right up your alley.

Yeah, well, yes,
this is my specialty.

But practice
makes perfect.

‐I've always said that.
‐Yeah, yeah.

HENRY: All right,
this is slide A,

followed, of course,
by slide...C?

B. By B.

Sir, either stop that,
or I'll call the usher.

Ohh!

It's been days and days
and days and days, Frank.

Shall we try for tonight?

Mmm, my place or yours?

Yours. Last night, they
sewed me into my blanket.

Dr. Trueheart must have
something going tonight,

right, lover?

‐Anybody we know?
‐Anybody we missed?

Just because
a man shaves,

‐does it have to mean he's‐‐
‐Yes, it does!

That's why shaving
was invented:

to kill time
before a date.

It would never occur
to people of your ilk

that a man might just want
to get rid of his beard

and feel clean,
would it?

Oh, you'd be clean with
or without a beard, Frank.

You're the cleanest
of the clean.

You're even cleaner.

You're so clean,
you're dirty.

An officer should
respect himself

and the men
he commands...

Oh, no.

Poor Frank.

Just can't hold
his chloroform.

(knocking)

Come in, darling.

What do you want?

Uh, Major Burns'
compliments, ma'am.

He's sorry, but he can't keep
his date with you tonight.

Date? What date?

I have no date
with Major Burns.

We're just acquaintances.

Oh, we run into each
other once in a while.

Well, he can't run
into you tonight.

Where were you?

What happened
last night?

You wouldn't
believe it.

Those two maniacs?

They gave me
a cologne overdose.

What?

Well, I told you
you wouldn't believe it.

Now?

You'd think they could
run that post‐op ward

for just one night
without me.

I guess not.

You're a very
important man‐‐

‐Well...
‐...ma'am.

All right, Sergeant.
What is it?

What's‐‐
What's what, Major?

I was told I was needed,
and here I am.

What for?

That's what I'm
asking you.

We've got no problems
here, Major.

Except yours.

Well, then why did‐‐

Margaret, dear...

it's me. Frank!

What are you doing?

What are we doing?

Just a little
pillow talk.

But don't tell
the housemother.

Ohh! You guys!

I've had it!
I've had it with...

Ohh!

What are you
doing in my bed?!

The first one
was too hard.

And the second one
was too soft.

All right, all right!

Now what's it gonna
take for you two

to leave me alone?

Ease up on Radar
and Louise Anderson,

and cut out all
that GI garbage.

‐Let 'em enjoy.
‐No!

It's blackmail.

‐Okay. ‐Nighty‐night.

Stop it! Stop it!

We have a "stop it".
Do I hear an "uncle"?

Uncle!

No calls to
General Clayton?

No more calls to
General Clayton.

And you'll stay off
Henry's back?

I'll get off
Henry's back.

Fine. And there's
just one more thing.

What?!

Who is this man
in bed with me?

Oh!

You don't know me.

I followed you home
from the movie.

Out!

Of course, it was
customary at that time

for musicians
to be subsidized
by wealthy patrons.

Here they are, America's
kid sweethearts.

And they owe it all to us.

The Acme Cupid company.

Considering the almost
insurmountable odds

against a young,
struggling composer,

his achievement, let alone
his prodigious output,

becomes even
more astounding.

‐Hi, there. ‐Hello.

Hiya, Radar.

‐Radar?
‐Aah! Bach!

Tolstoy?

♪♪♪ (theme)