All language subtitles for MASH.S01E13.Edwina.WEBRip.x264-ION10

♪♪♪ (theme)

♪♪♪

Heading this way.

Okay, everybody,
this is it.

Ten seconds.

Nine, eight...

Light it!

Seven, six, five...

four, three, two, one.

Zero!

Surprise!

ALL:
Happy birthday!

(chatter)

(gasping)

Happy birthday, Eddie.

Surprised?

Oh, wow!

We arranged
that double ward duty

just so you'd be
kept busy.

Yeah, we even hid all the
bedpans just to make sure.

Blow out the candles.

(laughter)

Oh, I‐I'm so sorry.

It's no problem.

Did you make a wish?

Oh, yes, I‐I...

No, don't tell us what it is,
or it won't come true.

(chatter)

Uh, may I make a toast?

No, but how about a
farewell address?

Actually, I have
a wish to propose,

a wish that very soon

we'll all be united
with our loved ones.

Beautiful thought, Major.

Let's just hope nobody's
wife or husband

‐finds out about it.
‐(laughter)

Come on.
Get to the loot.

(chatter)

‐That one's ours.
‐We're first.

The pink one.

"To Eddie, keep an eye
on your brass.

"Everyone else does."

(laughter)

‐Oh‐oh‐oh‐oh‐‐
‐Oh, thank you.

That's brass polish,

so drink it slowly.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you.

(chuckling)

Hear, hear.

Please, allow me.

Thank you, Major.

The Ten Commandments!

(laughing)

Autographed?

"Uh,

to Eddie, for
your own protection.

"From the girls."
Oh...

Uh, it's
a bulletproof girdle.

(laughter)

(clearing throat loudly)

Did you want to
say something, Henry?

Or are you just hoping for
a free tonsillectomy?

As commanding officer,

I believe it falls to me
to say a few words.

♪ For she's
a jolly good fellow ♪

Little did I dream...

♪ For she's
a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For she's a jolly
good fellow ♪

...that one day I would
be in the command‐‐

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

♪ For she's a jolly
good fellow ♪

I'm sorry!

♪ For she's a jolly
good fellow ♪

Eddie!

RADAR:
What's the matter?

I knew you shouldn't have
made that speech, Henry.

I'm okay,
Margie, really.

It's just that song.

"For she's a jolly
good fella."

Well, I'm not jolly,
and I'm not a fella.

Margie, I am 28 years old,

and I have never‐‐

had someone to care for me.

It takes time for the right
guy to come along.

Oh, he's come and gone.

He's very handsome.

Hmm.
It's not a good picture.

Seymour Chompki.

Nice name.

Ah, it's a terrible name,

but "Mrs." sounds so nice
in front of it.

Well, it would have,
that is.

We were engaged
for almost two years,

and then Seymour
was drafted.

Oh, I will never
forgive North Korea

for starting up.

I wrote him every day,

and he answered promptly
once a month

for the first month.

And then nothing.

So I joined up, too.

I thought, maybe
if I became a nurse,

well, I might meet
someone like Seymour,

save his life,

oh, and he would be
so grateful that...

uhh‐‐

I'm getting shipped home
in a couple of weeks,

and no Seymour,
no nobody else.

You can't give up.

Who wants me to give in?

Lieutenant, I've been very
concerned about you lately.

You look down in the dumps.

Oh, don't worry about me.

I had the dumps as a child.

Now, based on my three
classes in psychology,

two of which I cut,

I can tell you that your
problem is all mental.

You think too much.
It's very bad.

You should forget
about your mind

and pay more attention
to your body.

Or if you don't have the time,
let me do it for you.

I am very concerned
about Eddie.

Me. too. Did you know
you've got sexy knuckles?

I didn't think
that was possible.

There are ten guys
for every girl on this base.

You'd think there would
be one for Eddie.

My dear,
Eddie is a lovely girl,

but she has a gift
for calamity.

She's a land mine
in bloomers.

Hawkeye!

Why don't we
package your ears?

We could sell
a million of them.

I knew it was
an alkaloid,

but I forgot about
its association

with other amebicides.

I've had
the same problem.

Uh, excuse me, sir.
Can you help me, please?

What's wrong?

I just got something
in my eye.

‐Dirt?
‐A finger.

How'd you get a finger
in your eye?

It came through
the hole in the tent.

What tent?

The one I had my eye
up against.

I told you to stop peeking
in the nurses' shower.

Well, everyone
needs a hobby.

You're gonna be fine.

You put a heat compress on it,
and you start looking

in the men's shower
for a few days.

Uh, don't you wanna know

what I heard
while I was peeking?

Frankly, I'd rather
know what you saw

while you were peeking.

Nurse Cutler's
got 'em all organized.

She said unless someone gets
very friendly with Nurse Eddie,

things are going to get
very cool around here.

Very cool?

And very lonely.

They wouldn't dare!

HAWKEYE:
An attitude like that
could destroy morale...

weaken the fiber
of our brave men in white.

These boys depend
on their relaxation

to renew and refresh
their flagging spirits.

They must be allowed
a moment's respite

from the trials of war.

Mmm, you smell divine.

I just washed my hair.

Listen, I've just given myself
the rest of the day off.

Why don't we
lock the door

and study a few
old medical journals?

I have to wash my hair!

‐You just did.
‐Well?

What's going on, Leslie?

All week long,
every time I've wanted
to be alone with you,

you have to wash your hair.

You're going to wind up
with a head

that looks like a cue ball.

Excuse me.

Uhh!

The whole thing is inhuman,
unfair, and un‐American.

Besides, it's bad
for the health.

(chatter)

Could you pass
the salt, please?

Edwina Ferguson‐‐

the face that launched
a thousand longer faces.

Henry, you're
the commanding officer.

Command the girls
to cut this out.

It's driving us nuts.

Right, Hawk?

Right. You know,

you've got awfully
pretty legs, Henry.

Let's not get
carried away, huh?

I mean, we're not boys.
We're men.

Thanks for the reminder.

And doctors besides.

I mean, let's see
a little fortitude,

a little perseverance.

I've been hit by this thing,
too, you know,

and you don't
see me falling apart.

Shower's ready, sir.

‐Is it cold?
‐Icy, sir.

Excuse me.

I don't have to tell you
why we're all here tonight.

The time has come
to end the siege.

Someone, at whatever risk
to his life or limb,

someone must make
Lieutenant Edwina
Ferguson his own.

May I say that I find this
whole proposition highly...

‐Colonic?
‐Irregular.

I was close.

And I refuse to be part
of this unholy confluence.

Uh, Frank, I think
I speak for everyone here

when I say that
if you don't lend

your full cooperation
to our little enterprise,

you will be stripped naked,
painted purple,

and dropped by helicopter
behind enemy lines.

You wouldn't dare.

Uh, Radar,
the straws, please.

Here you go.

There comes a time
in every soldier's life,

from the lowliest private
to the lowliest officer,

when he must put
his own well‐being

second to the greater good
of his fellow fellows,

his comrades in arms,
his war buddies.

Let us each, in his
very own quiet heart,

say to that courageous man,

whoever he may
turn out to be,

"And there, but for the
fickle pick of fate, go I.

"And qué será, será.

"No hard feelings.

May the best man, uh,
well, whatever."

Shall we make it
two out of three?

(chatter)

Now that we all
know the procedure,

‐let's go for keeps.
‐(laughter)

Congratulations, pal.

We really
appreciate this.

‐I need a drink.
‐Double?

Yeah, About a size 11,
triple‐A.

Knock‐knock.

Hope we're not
interrupting anything.

Hey, what are they?

They're wearing
our kinda uniforms,

but they're not
built like us.

They're all, uh,
soft and bumpy.

You don't suppose
they're, um...

Girls?

That's it!

I couldn't
think of the word.

Now, if I could only
remember what they're for.

We just popped in to see
what was happening.

I'm still hoping
for a recount.

You?

Well, I want you women to know
that I was fully opposed

to this degenerate, depraved,
immoral, perverted,

and indecent proposal,
but, if it must occur...

(laughter)

What do army regulations
say about strangling a man

with his own tongue?

‐Get out of my way.
‐Ah, don't worry, Frank.

I'd do the same thing
for my own mother.

I almost envy Eddie.

It's too late for that now.
I'm spoken for.

Now we'll all get to see
how the great lover operates.

‐Retractor.
‐Retractor.

‐Give me some suction here.
‐Suction.

Clamp.

Clamp.

Oh, they're forceps.
I'm sorry.

Perfectly all right.
I like forceps, too.

In fact, I actually
prefer them.

They're one of my
favorite instruments.

May I join you?

Well, sure.

This job really makes me
look forward to food.

This is why this stuff
is such a disappointment.

Oh, it's not too bad.

Oh, you're too tolerant.

What I can't figure out
is how they make food

taste like
it's been drafted.

Here, let me, uh‐‐
Let me serve you.

Oh, thanks.

Ah, what have we today?

Perhaps
you'd like to start

with some
cream‐of‐leftover soup?

‐No.
‐No?

Well, for an entree,

you can have, uh, pork chops

or our cook's award‐winning
beef stew.

The pork chops.

A very wise choice.

The award was presented
by the North Koreans.

And you can have some
vegetables or some gravy

that won't hurt you
if you don't swallow it.

‐Huh?
‐(giggling) No gravy.

Some coffee?

Oh, please.

You're very brave.

The coffee is made of gravy
that didn't make it.

Where shall we sit?

You want to sit...
together?

I've tried sitting apart.
It's very painful.

Oh, thank you.

Margie tells me
you'll be leaving us

in a couple of weeks.

You‐‐

You're really lucky to be,
uh, to be going home.

I have this‐‐

I have this recurring
fantasy that I'll go home

and my family will
have left without any
forwarding address.

You know, I could get 20 years
for talking to myself.

Well, I'm just trying
to figure out

why you're sitting here.

You‐you usually
eat with Margie

or one of
the other girls.

Well, you're one
of the other girls.

Why don't I believe you?

That's because you believe
in the popular notion of me

as a glib,
insincere operator.

‐That's right. ‐Those are only
some
of my qualities.

Underneath there's
another me.

Shy, sensitive,
uncertain...

‐Conniving.
‐Right.

But underneath that,
there's another me.

Underneath there, of course,
there's public parking.

Nonetheless,
I still don't understand

why you're sitting here.

Because I find you
an interesting person,

and I'd like to get
to know you better

in the short time
we have left.

You're not just
saying that?

On my Hippocratic oath.

On second thought,
make that my golfer's oath,

which is more binding.

You know, I wonder

what makes people
attracted to each other.

Well, the first girl
I really fell for,

it was‐‐ it was
just chemistry.

You mean an electrical
excitement?

Uh, no, no, she, uh, wrote
all my chemistry papers.

Without her, I wouldn't have
gotten into med school.

‐Disgusting.
‐Vile.

Meet you in back
of the kitchen.

Right behind the swill.

Hawkeye.

You're terrific.

Oh, thanks, coach.

Really,
we appreciate it.

Yeah, well, I hope
the Friends of Edwina Club

appreciate the fact
that she and I

are having
a date tonight.

‐Oh, great!
‐Great?

She just stepped on my ankle.
I have a run in my leg.

‐You'll be fine.
‐Mmm‐hmm.

You wouldn't wanna give me
one last kiss, would you,

just in case she
breaks my lips tonight?

Ah...

Oh, I love the way you have
your place fixed up.

Trapper took
a correspondence course
in interior decorating.

He failed it, of course.
Excuse me.

Japanese custom.

Fix you a martini?

Oh, I'm‐I'm not
a very good drinker.

Well, I'll give you
a crash course.

I've never been
in a man's tent before.

It's just like a woman's.

You just button it
on the other side.

Thank you.

What shall we
drink to?

How about
to dry clothes?

I'm sorry.

No, not at all.
Not at all.

I don't mind
a wet T‐shirt.

It saves me the trouble
of sweating.

Eddie?

It's all right, Hawkeye.

I mean, y‐you're
nice to try,

but why don't we not
pretend any more, huh?

I mean, I heard
people talking.

I can figure things out.

So why don't we just
pretend we pretended,

and‐and everyone
will be off the hook.

‐Wait a second‐‐
‐Oh, don't worry.

I'll tell everyone
I had a wonderful time.

(shouting)

Oh, I'm‐I'm sorry.

I‐I'm so sorry!

That's okay. It's okay.
Don't help me!

Ah! Don't press
the ice in my eye!

Look what I'm doing
to a doctor!

It's all right.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Oh, let's drop it,
Hawkeye, please, huh?

‐The game's over.
‐Okay, okay, it's over.

We're just two people
waiting for a bus.

Or, in my case,
an ambulance.

Come here.
Sit down.

Look, you don't have
to hurt somebody

just to make sure
they don't hurt you first.

I‐Is that what it is?

I think so.

♪♪♪ (dance)

Dance with me?
Carefully?

‐(sizzling)
‐Aah! Aah!

Ohh! Ohh!

I can't stand it.
I'm hopeless!

Cheap glass.
That's all.

Who cares about that?

That doesn't matter.
What matters is you.

‐(broken glass crunches)
‐(whimpering)

‐Ooh!
‐What‐what is it?

I'm not wearing any shoes!

Your feet! They must
be cut to ribbons!

Lie down.

(shouting)

(whimpering)

I killed you.

I don't have that
kind of luck.

Just give me a minute.

Oh, I've‐I've
never seen anyone

try so hard
to be considerate.

Edwina...
may I kiss you?

‐Is your mouth insured?
‐Shh.

That was nice.

‐I didn't hurt anything?
‐No.

Oh, I will never
forget this evening.

Me, neither.

Oh, thank you, Hawkeye.
I'm so grateful.

That's not necessary.

To know I‐I can be
myself with a man,

to know I‐‐ well, I
don't have to beat him
to the hurt.

Oh, wow!

(clanging)

(laughing)

Goodbye, Margie.
Thank you, Doctor.

‐Goodbye, Edwina.
‐Goodbye.

If civilian life gets boring,
we're always here.

Why are you
still smiling?

No reason.

Buy me a cup
of coffee?

Sort of missed you
chasing after me

these past two weeks.

Well, a guy can find
smoothness and grace

and aptitude attractive
for just so long, you know.

Oh.

This better?

Oh! That's it.
Much better.

You're my kind
of girl.

♪♪♪ (theme)