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1
00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:05,572
(helicopters whirling)
2
00:00:05,606 --> 00:00:07,508
♪♪♪ (theme)
3
00:00:58,725 --> 00:01:00,661
Mmm...
4
00:01:08,334 --> 00:01:11,404
HAWKEYE:
"Dear Dad, a lull...
5
00:01:11,437 --> 00:01:13,406
"at last, after almost
three straight days
6
00:01:13,439 --> 00:01:15,842
"of meatball surgery,
7
00:01:15,876 --> 00:01:17,844
"70 hours of sewing
kids together.
8
00:01:22,482 --> 00:01:24,117
"If this keeps up,
I was thinking of asking
9
00:01:24,150 --> 00:01:26,486
"the army for a raise.
10
00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:27,821
"Either that or putting on
some lipstick and earrings
11
00:01:27,854 --> 00:01:30,423
"and get a discharge.
12
00:01:30,456 --> 00:01:32,225
"If war was hell
in Sherman's day,
13
00:01:32,258 --> 00:01:34,528
you can imagine
what it is now."
14
00:01:34,561 --> 00:01:36,396
All right, retract that bowel
so I can see something.
15
00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:39,232
‐Retractor.
‐Retractor.
16
00:01:39,265 --> 00:01:40,867
Go.
17
00:01:40,901 --> 00:01:42,869
‐Ease up, Frank!
‐Well, hurry up, will ya?
18
00:01:42,903 --> 00:01:45,171
‐Clamp.
‐Clamp.
19
00:01:45,205 --> 00:01:48,441
HAWKEYE:
"The tension in the OR
is always a foot thick.
20
00:01:48,474 --> 00:01:50,310
But we do our best
to cut through."
21
00:01:50,343 --> 00:01:52,312
Anybody hear how
the game turned out?
22
00:01:52,345 --> 00:01:54,147
Yeah, the Bears beat
the Packers 21 to 10.
23
00:01:54,180 --> 00:01:57,150
‐I'm trying to concentrate.
‐Try the library.
24
00:01:57,183 --> 00:01:59,352
‐Longfingers?
‐Longfingers.
25
00:01:59,385 --> 00:02:02,155
Can't we have some
military discipline in here?
26
00:02:02,188 --> 00:02:03,256
Good idea, Frank.
27
00:02:03,289 --> 00:02:04,691
Lieutenant, throw
out your chest.
28
00:02:04,725 --> 00:02:07,928
Why? It looks perfectly
all right to me.
29
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:11,197
HAWKEYE:
"If jokes seem sacrilegious
in an operating room,
30
00:02:11,231 --> 00:02:13,366
"I promise you they're
a necessary defense
31
00:02:13,399 --> 00:02:14,801
"against what
we get down here
32
00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:16,402
at this end
of the draft board."
33
00:02:16,436 --> 00:02:18,438
Colonel Blake needs your help.
34
00:02:18,471 --> 00:02:20,273
Frank, pull that back
for me, will you?
35
00:02:20,306 --> 00:02:22,175
‐Okay, got it.
‐All right.
36
00:02:25,912 --> 00:02:29,550
You ever thought of leaving
your behind to science?
37
00:02:29,583 --> 00:02:32,586
"Henry Blake's a good doctor
and a pretty good Joe.
38
00:02:32,619 --> 00:02:34,788
"As a commanding officer,
well, it's a bit like
39
00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:37,223
"being on a sinking liner,
running to the bridge
40
00:02:37,257 --> 00:02:40,193
"and finding out the captain
is Daffy Duck.
41
00:02:40,226 --> 00:02:42,529
"But more about
'ol Henry later.
42
00:02:42,563 --> 00:02:44,765
"Christmas here in Korea,
43
00:02:44,798 --> 00:02:48,368
"as with you in Vermont,
is soon upon us.
44
00:02:48,401 --> 00:02:50,937
(trumpet playing "Hark!
the Harold Angels Sing")
45
00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:04,785
RADAR (on intercom):
The glee club meets in
the mess tent at 0800 hours.
46
00:03:04,818 --> 00:03:07,554
The first number on
tonight's schedule is, uh,
47
00:03:07,588 --> 00:03:09,556
Father Mulcahy's solo,
48
00:03:09,590 --> 00:03:12,358
"I'm Confessin'
That I Love You".
49
00:03:12,392 --> 00:03:14,427
♪♪♪
50
00:03:17,964 --> 00:03:19,766
HAWKEYE:
"Still, there is some
effort to celebrate the idea
51
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,835
"of peace on earth,
52
00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:23,837
even though there's shootin'
in them thar hills."
53
00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:27,473
♪♪♪
54
00:03:30,811 --> 00:03:32,646
"How far had Radar
O'Reilly gotten
55
00:03:32,679 --> 00:03:35,415
"in my last letter to you?
56
00:03:35,448 --> 00:03:36,883
"I think,
if I'm not mistaken,
57
00:03:36,917 --> 00:03:39,653
"he had mailed
the back seats by then.
58
00:03:39,686 --> 00:03:41,922
"This week he's smuggling
out the front seats.
59
00:03:45,491 --> 00:03:48,862
"It took Trapper and me
a while to figure out
what he was up to,
60
00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:50,897
"until we did a fluoroscope
of one of his packages,
61
00:03:55,969 --> 00:03:58,404
"and found out he was
mailing a jeep home,
62
00:03:58,438 --> 00:04:00,574
piece by piece."
63
00:04:08,715 --> 00:04:09,983
What's in the box?
64
00:04:10,016 --> 00:04:11,451
Uh, toys for
the orphans, sir.
65
00:04:11,484 --> 00:04:13,053
Oh, let me give
you a hand.
66
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:15,756
Uh, would you,
please, sir?
67
00:04:15,789 --> 00:04:17,891
HAWKEYE:
"Radar's not the first guy
to do this, of course.
68
00:04:17,924 --> 00:04:20,326
"It's an old army bit.
69
00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:22,596
"I wouldn't be surprised if one
of George Washington's soldiers
70
00:04:22,629 --> 00:04:25,498
hadn't mailed home a horse
one piece at a time."
71
00:04:25,532 --> 00:04:27,400
"Radar can't wait until
he gets his discharge
72
00:04:27,433 --> 00:04:29,335
"and tells his mailman
back in Iowa
73
00:04:29,369 --> 00:04:31,071
"that he actually delivered
a whole jeep for him.
74
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:33,740
The guy'll probably have
a retroactive hernia."
75
00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:38,579
"Come to the mess tent
with me, Dad,
76
00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:41,081
"and I'll buy you
a cup of coffee.
77
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:44,951
♪♪♪
78
00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:47,554
MAN (on intercom):
Due to the number of
people bored last Sunday,
79
00:04:47,588 --> 00:04:49,723
next Sunday will
be canceled.
80
00:04:51,658 --> 00:04:53,093
‐Hiya, Radar.
‐Hi.
81
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:55,495
♪♪♪
82
00:05:03,436 --> 00:05:04,505
It's looking good, Red.
83
00:05:04,538 --> 00:05:06,507
Wait'll it's finished.
84
00:05:11,011 --> 00:05:12,445
Eight o'clock tonight,
right?
85
00:05:12,478 --> 00:05:13,780
Make it nine.
86
00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:15,348
No sweat.
87
00:05:15,381 --> 00:05:16,416
I'll be ready.
88
00:05:16,449 --> 00:05:17,684
That'll make two of us.
89
00:05:20,554 --> 00:05:22,122
HAWKEYE:
"There are certain rules
in this man's army
90
00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:24,891
"that are carried over
from the year one.
91
00:05:24,925 --> 00:05:27,761
"Thanks to these regulations,
all of us know precisely what
to do know what to do
92
00:05:27,794 --> 00:05:30,764
in case we're ever attacked
by the French or the Indians."
93
00:05:30,797 --> 00:05:34,535
One ridiculous custom
is the monthly lecture."
94
00:05:34,568 --> 00:05:36,002
(cheering, applause)
95
00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:41,842
All right, people,
let's settle down.
96
00:05:41,875 --> 00:05:46,547
Uh, this month's topic is, uh,
"marital sex and the family."
97
00:05:46,580 --> 00:05:49,583
‐HAWKEYE: Louder, Henry.
‐"And the family."
98
00:05:49,616 --> 00:05:51,484
The first part.
99
00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:54,855
Marital sex.
(clears throat)
100
00:05:54,888 --> 00:05:56,389
Let's hear it for
this month's topic!
101
00:05:56,422 --> 00:05:58,358
(cheering)
102
00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:04,665
Just hold it down, okay?
103
00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:08,434
It's not actually necessary
that any of you officers be
present.
104
00:06:08,468 --> 00:06:11,471
Only enlisted personnel
are required to attend.
105
00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:12,906
Why should they know
more than we do?
106
00:06:12,939 --> 00:06:14,541
Yeah, I got a date tonight.
107
00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:15,876
I wanna learn
as much as I can.
108
00:06:18,912 --> 00:06:22,382
Let's can the jokes.
I'd like to get right
down to the sex.
109
00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:25,151
I mean, uh,
110
00:06:25,185 --> 00:06:26,853
the talk about the, uh...
111
00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:28,121
what I'm supposed
to talk about.
112
00:06:28,154 --> 00:06:30,857
Radar, uncover the charts.
113
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:33,159
‐ Your pointer, sir.
‐ Thank you.
114
00:06:33,193 --> 00:06:35,896
(cheering, whistling)
115
00:06:35,929 --> 00:06:37,831
Good luck, sir.
116
00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:43,469
They, uh... You start here...
117
00:06:43,504 --> 00:06:48,642
‐ We've got your, uh,
man and your woman.
‐ Which is which?
118
00:06:48,675 --> 00:06:49,976
The one with
the big hips is the man.
119
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:52,012
Can we have an end
to these comments?
120
00:06:52,045 --> 00:06:55,749
Some of us happen to be
genuinely interested
in this subject.
121
00:06:55,782 --> 00:06:57,584
I've devoted my life
to this subject.
122
00:06:57,618 --> 00:07:00,020
At least a good many
of the nights.
123
00:07:00,053 --> 00:07:02,623
Dirty mind.
124
00:07:02,656 --> 00:07:05,659
You know what they say‐‐
dirty mind, warm heart.
125
00:07:05,692 --> 00:07:07,828
Uh, now...
126
00:07:07,861 --> 00:07:10,096
Uh, we...
127
00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:11,565
Excuse me.
128
00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:15,969
The, uh, union
of Figure A‐‐ man‐‐
129
00:07:16,002 --> 00:07:19,806
and, uh... Figure B...
130
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:22,876
uh... the, uh... woman...
131
00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:29,683
is the most sublime expression
of, uh, romantic love.
132
00:07:29,716 --> 00:07:32,619
However, only in
the institution of marriage
133
00:07:32,653 --> 00:07:36,489
is it recommended that
this expression take place.
134
00:07:36,523 --> 00:07:38,625
‐Sir!
‐Mm‐hmm?
135
00:07:38,659 --> 00:07:40,126
What happens in the event that
136
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:42,863
Figure A is attracted
to Figure B
137
00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:44,598
and wants to get married,
138
00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:48,068
but Figure A is already
married to, say, Figure C,
139
00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:51,271
and Figure B is engaged
to Figure D,
140
00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:53,507
but Figure A can't keep
his hands off Figure B
141
00:07:53,540 --> 00:07:56,777
because she's got
a great figure?
142
00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:01,081
According to the army,
he's got to forget her.
143
00:08:01,114 --> 00:08:03,617
That figures.
144
00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:05,151
Okay, moving along now,
145
00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:09,122
we come to the matter of,
uh, family reproduction.
146
00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:12,258
How it really happens.
147
00:08:12,292 --> 00:08:17,230
How it all really happens
is, uh... really, uh,
148
00:08:17,263 --> 00:08:20,033
one of nature's really
cute things, really.
149
00:08:22,202 --> 00:08:24,270
Uh, now first of all,
150
00:08:24,304 --> 00:08:26,940
it is necessary
that these charts‐‐
151
00:08:26,973 --> 00:08:30,310
uh, that these
two married charts‐‐
152
00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:33,847
It is necessary that they, uh...
153
00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:37,317
uh... uh, that they, uh...
154
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:41,254
‐ They what, sir?
‐ That they, uh...
155
00:08:41,287 --> 00:08:42,288
Dismissed.
156
00:08:42,322 --> 00:08:44,791
(cheering)
157
00:08:44,825 --> 00:08:46,159
Bravo! Bravo!
158
00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:48,294
Encore! Yay!
159
00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:50,531
Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake,
ladies and gentlemen!
160
00:08:59,272 --> 00:09:02,308
‐10:00 tonight?
‐Make it 11.
161
00:09:08,649 --> 00:09:09,883
Yo! Hawk!
162
00:09:12,352 --> 00:09:14,320
MAN (on intercom):
The following men
have volunteered
163
00:09:14,354 --> 00:09:17,223
for this afternoon's 10‐mile
physical fitness hike‐‐
164
00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:29,102
HAWKEYE:
"To bring you up to date
on my co‐pilot, Trapper,
165
00:09:29,135 --> 00:09:31,271
"as I wrote you earlier,
he's developed a thriving,
166
00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:34,307
"very lucrative private
practice on the side over here.
167
00:09:34,340 --> 00:09:37,210
"On a good day he collects
about 50 or 60 smiles,
168
00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:40,080
"The kind you never forget."
169
00:09:40,113 --> 00:09:41,682
They're gettin' too hip.
170
00:09:45,385 --> 00:09:47,888
That didn't hurt, did it?
171
00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:50,090
(chuckling)
172
00:09:52,859 --> 00:09:54,194
Hey.
173
00:09:59,666 --> 00:10:01,234
HAWKEYE:
"Whenever the locals
want help, invariably,
174
00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:04,004
it's Trapper John McIntyre
they turn to."
175
00:10:04,037 --> 00:10:05,371
Whatever it is,
it's urgent.
176
00:10:05,405 --> 00:10:08,809
‐(speaking foreign language)
‐Okay, okay.
177
00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:10,744
‐You take care of the kids.
I'll be back.
‐Okay.
178
00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:12,345
HAWKEYE:
"Last week he performed
a service that really
179
00:10:12,378 --> 00:10:13,780
set him up
with the townies."
180
00:10:17,884 --> 00:10:19,385
(speaking foreign language)
181
00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:21,087
"He helped with
a delivery that added
182
00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:23,423
"one more precious life
to the village‐‐
183
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:26,059
"a bouncing baby veal
for which service
184
00:10:26,092 --> 00:10:28,629
"the doctor received
one gallon of mother's milk.
185
00:10:33,266 --> 00:10:35,368
"Father Mulcahy is stringing
popcorn all over the place
186
00:10:35,401 --> 00:10:38,404
"in an attempt
to give this cesspool
a yuletide look.
187
00:10:38,438 --> 00:10:40,841
"He's a terrific guy,
our priest.
188
00:10:40,874 --> 00:10:42,242
"But I never tell him,
'cause I don't want
189
00:10:42,275 --> 00:10:43,910
"to foul up his humility.
190
00:10:43,944 --> 00:10:45,378
"I can tell you this.
191
00:10:45,411 --> 00:10:47,380
"I don't envy him
this parish.
192
00:10:47,413 --> 00:10:49,149
At least I didn't
last Wednesday."
193
00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:52,218
‐Pierce?
‐Yes, ma'am.
194
00:10:52,252 --> 00:10:55,121
I'm here to relieve you.
195
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:57,290
You do resemble an enema.
196
00:10:57,323 --> 00:10:58,925
You're beat, Captain.
197
00:10:58,959 --> 00:11:00,260
I suggest you hit
the sack this afternoon,
198
00:11:00,293 --> 00:11:02,195
instead of chasing nurses.
199
00:11:02,228 --> 00:11:03,764
A good idea, Frank,
but some of those girls
200
00:11:03,797 --> 00:11:05,331
have been waiting
for months.
201
00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:06,900
Well, whatever you do,
I want to see you shaved
202
00:11:06,933 --> 00:11:08,134
the next time I see you.
203
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:09,369
I shaved this morning.
204
00:11:09,402 --> 00:11:10,470
Well, shave again,
and this time,
205
00:11:10,504 --> 00:11:12,438
take one step
closer to the razor.
206
00:11:12,472 --> 00:11:14,908
Oh, very good!
207
00:11:14,941 --> 00:11:16,877
Frank, you are ten
of the most boring people
I know.
208
00:11:19,445 --> 00:11:21,915
(humming)
209
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,790
‐Klinger?
‐Sir?
210
00:11:29,823 --> 00:11:31,124
Where did you get that?
211
00:11:31,157 --> 00:11:32,325
Nurse McCarthy
gave it to me, sir.
212
00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:33,426
I'm talking about
that bandanna.
213
00:11:33,459 --> 00:11:35,028
Oh, that's my good luck.
214
00:11:35,061 --> 00:11:36,196
My ma give me this
when I shipped out.
215
00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:37,731
Well, take it off.
216
00:11:37,764 --> 00:11:40,000
‐Oh, sir, I‐‐
‐I want that bandanna!
217
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:41,467
I'll have my ma
send you one.
218
00:11:41,502 --> 00:11:44,470
Soldier!
You're out of uniform.
219
00:11:44,505 --> 00:11:46,973
Sir, the nurse said
to get these to the lab.
220
00:11:47,007 --> 00:11:49,175
A nurse said?
221
00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:51,411
You're placing me
under a nurse?
222
00:11:51,444 --> 00:11:53,013
You said it, I didn't.
223
00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:54,114
Stop!
224
00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:55,381
(tray clattering)
225
00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:56,416
You see what you did?
226
00:11:56,449 --> 00:11:57,818
‐Fellas, fellas‐‐
‐Me?
227
00:11:57,851 --> 00:11:59,252
What, are you crazy?
228
00:11:59,285 --> 00:12:00,921
No, wait! No!
229
00:12:00,954 --> 00:12:02,889
(grunting)
230
00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:16,369
Come on, guys!
Come on!
231
00:12:16,402 --> 00:12:17,370
Break this up!
232
00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:18,972
Klinger! Klinger!
233
00:12:19,005 --> 00:12:20,173
Just before prayer‐‐
234
00:12:30,917 --> 00:12:32,152
What are you crazy?
235
00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:33,353
Go on, scram!
236
00:12:33,386 --> 00:12:34,855
Scram! Get out of here!
237
00:12:34,888 --> 00:12:36,857
(whistle blowing)
238
00:12:41,327 --> 00:12:42,563
What's going on, Father?
239
00:12:42,596 --> 00:12:44,230
Shh, shh, shh.
240
00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:46,199
He's exhausted.
241
00:12:46,232 --> 00:12:47,834
Okay.
242
00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:49,135
Where's the guy
that exhausted him?
243
00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:51,538
Let me take care of it.
244
00:12:51,572 --> 00:12:52,973
Please?
245
00:12:55,475 --> 00:12:57,310
I'm not even Catholic.
246
00:12:57,343 --> 00:12:59,379
Would you like to be?
247
00:13:01,948 --> 00:13:06,086
♪♪♪ (distant trumpet playing
Christmas carol)
248
00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:20,300
Can I see you,
Corporal Klinger?
249
00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:22,302
Not now, father.
I gotta see the major.
250
00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:24,505
‐Is that a grenade?
‐That's what it is, father.
251
00:13:24,538 --> 00:13:26,372
A live grenade?
252
00:13:26,406 --> 00:13:27,874
I thought I'd stick it
in the major's ear
253
00:13:27,908 --> 00:13:30,977
‐and find out.
‐Give it to me.
254
00:13:31,011 --> 00:13:32,345
Don't touch me,
or you're gonna be
255
00:13:32,378 --> 00:13:34,347
a lot of little priests.
256
00:13:34,380 --> 00:13:37,984
‐Klinger.
‐He broke the bottles.
257
00:13:38,018 --> 00:13:41,221
The nurse wanted 'em
in the lab.
258
00:13:41,254 --> 00:13:44,357
I can't take this off!
Something'll happen to me.
259
00:13:44,390 --> 00:13:47,894
‐Klinger?
‐Stop.
260
00:13:47,928 --> 00:13:51,331
Another step,
and I'll take us both out.
261
00:13:52,432 --> 00:13:54,200
He's tired.
262
00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:56,102
We're all tired.
263
00:13:56,136 --> 00:13:58,338
You're tired, too?
264
00:13:58,371 --> 00:14:00,641
I can't get to sleep...
265
00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:03,376
unless I count
sacrificial sheep.
266
00:14:05,311 --> 00:14:08,081
Give me the grenade.
267
00:14:08,114 --> 00:14:09,415
Please?
268
00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:14,988
Can I keep my bandanna?
269
00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:18,324
I guarantee it.
270
00:14:25,131 --> 00:14:26,366
It's from my ma,
you know.
271
00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:28,068
She said never
take it off.
272
00:14:28,101 --> 00:14:30,203
No reason why
you should.
273
00:14:30,236 --> 00:14:32,172
None at all.
274
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:33,406
Something like this,
I just...
275
00:14:33,439 --> 00:14:35,241
Corporal Klinger,
I understand.
276
00:14:35,275 --> 00:14:36,977
♪♪♪
277
00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:45,986
MAN (on intercom):
Attention, all personnel.
278
00:14:46,019 --> 00:14:48,288
When filling out
GI insurance forms,
279
00:14:48,321 --> 00:14:50,390
be sure to state
your age and sex
280
00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:52,526
at the time of
your last birthday.
281
00:14:52,559 --> 00:14:53,894
♪♪♪
282
00:14:58,031 --> 00:15:00,033
HAWKEYE: "Our nurses are
a great bunch of girls.
283
00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:01,535
"Never a complaint,
284
00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:04,070
"and they work their
lovely bottoms off.
285
00:15:04,104 --> 00:15:07,508
"Being so far from home
at Christmas is kinda
rough on them.
286
00:15:07,541 --> 00:15:10,376
"I've certainly done my share
to keep up their morale.
287
00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:13,213
"But I've only got
two hands.
288
00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:15,248
"One lady in our outfit
who has no problem at all
289
00:15:15,281 --> 00:15:17,417
with her spare time
is our chief nurse,
290
00:15:17,450 --> 00:15:19,620
"Hot Lips Houlihan.
291
00:15:19,653 --> 00:15:22,188
"The major is a paradox.
292
00:15:22,222 --> 00:15:24,057
"A woman of
considerable passion,
293
00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:27,060
"she is also a stickler
for military correctness.
294
00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:29,029
"I wouldn't mind making
a grab for her myself,
295
00:15:29,062 --> 00:15:30,463
"but I don't know
how to do that
296
00:15:30,496 --> 00:15:34,000
"and salute her
at the same time.
297
00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:35,602
"As I've written you,
Frank Burns and Hot Lips
298
00:15:35,636 --> 00:15:37,504
"have been an item
over here ever since
299
00:15:37,538 --> 00:15:41,007
"they both laid their beady
little eyes on each other.
300
00:15:41,041 --> 00:15:42,743
"They think no one's wise,
but the only one over here
301
00:15:42,776 --> 00:15:44,344
"who doesn't know
about their romance
302
00:15:44,377 --> 00:15:47,347
"is General MacArthur's
pipe‐stuffer.
303
00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:49,950
"Frank plays it very cool
at all times.
304
00:15:51,585 --> 00:15:54,555
"He and Hot Lips had
a date the other night.
305
00:15:54,588 --> 00:15:57,457
But it was the last thing
Frank would admit."
306
00:15:57,490 --> 00:15:59,626
Uh, going out
tonight, Frank?
307
00:16:01,662 --> 00:16:03,329
Just to stretch my legs.
308
00:16:13,607 --> 00:16:16,109
Ugh! What's that?
309
00:16:18,078 --> 00:16:19,546
It's French.
310
00:16:19,580 --> 00:16:22,749
Oh, no wonder you
smell like a snail.
311
00:16:22,783 --> 00:16:25,151
Ha‐ha.
312
00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:26,753
HAWKEYE:
"What neither Frank
nor Hot Lips knows
313
00:16:26,787 --> 00:16:28,622
"is that earlier
in the afternoon,
314
00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:31,291
"while they were off picking
berries or whatever,
315
00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:34,127
"Trapper and I stopped by
her tent.
316
00:16:45,238 --> 00:16:47,107
"We spent a few minutes
getting the place ready
317
00:16:47,140 --> 00:16:49,175
"for their date that night.
318
00:16:49,209 --> 00:16:51,477
It turned into some
enchanted evening."
319
00:16:54,515 --> 00:16:57,050
(blowing)
320
00:17:02,789 --> 00:17:05,258
Three guesses.
321
00:17:05,291 --> 00:17:06,459
General MacArthur?
322
00:17:08,294 --> 00:17:09,630
Clark Gable?
323
00:17:12,566 --> 00:17:14,434
‐Dr. Schweitzer?
‐Right!
324
00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:15,769
All three times.
325
00:17:15,802 --> 00:17:17,470
‐Frank!
‐Margaret!
326
00:17:21,407 --> 00:17:24,177
‐Frank, don't make any marks.
‐Uh‐uh.
327
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:29,482
Frank, we've got hours.
328
00:17:29,516 --> 00:17:31,518
That's right.
329
00:17:31,552 --> 00:17:33,587
Let the others get theirs.
330
00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:37,323
To go, Frank.
Hours to go.
331
00:17:37,357 --> 00:17:39,259
Oh!
332
00:17:39,292 --> 00:17:41,828
Of course.
(giggling)
333
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:50,303
Gee, it, uh,
all looks so nice.
334
00:17:50,336 --> 00:17:52,773
You've got golden hands,
Margaret.
335
00:17:56,877 --> 00:17:58,612
(sighing)
336
00:17:58,645 --> 00:18:01,748
Did you, uh...
hear the rumor
337
00:18:01,782 --> 00:18:04,284
that peace talks
might be starting?
338
00:18:07,353 --> 00:18:09,455
Don't even think it.
339
00:18:13,660 --> 00:18:14,828
Oh, Frank, the candle!
340
00:18:14,861 --> 00:18:16,262
We may be throwing shadows!
341
00:18:16,296 --> 00:18:17,664
Right...
342
00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:28,509
Frank?
343
00:18:36,550 --> 00:18:39,185
Somebody's been
fooling with this.
344
00:18:39,219 --> 00:18:40,521
It's a gag candle!
345
00:18:40,554 --> 00:18:42,355
Oh, why can't people
leave us alone?
346
00:18:42,388 --> 00:18:45,726
Hey, you'd think they
were all my wife!
347
00:18:45,759 --> 00:18:48,328
Oh, Frank!
348
00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:53,133
Oh, I'm sorry,
Margaret, I‐‐
349
00:18:54,735 --> 00:18:57,270
F‐Forget that I said that.
I did not say that.
350
00:18:57,303 --> 00:18:59,506
I didn't hear you
say a thing.
351
00:19:02,843 --> 00:19:05,178
(gasping)
352
00:19:06,780 --> 00:19:10,350
Someone sawed
through these legs!
353
00:19:10,383 --> 00:19:13,353
There's pudding
in the pillow.
354
00:19:15,355 --> 00:19:20,360
Oh, I'm gonna get them
for this!
355
00:19:20,393 --> 00:19:22,462
I'll get 'em all!
356
00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:25,932
Each and every dirty‐‐
357
00:19:25,966 --> 00:19:28,702
(tent creaking)
358
00:19:28,735 --> 00:19:30,904
Oh, Frank!
359
00:19:30,937 --> 00:19:32,506
(screaming)
360
00:19:32,539 --> 00:19:34,374
(Frank)
Oh, I'll get them!
I'll get them!
361
00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:39,279
I'll get them for this
if it's the last‐‐
362
00:19:39,312 --> 00:19:40,914
(screaming)
363
00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:45,552
Goodnight, Trapper.
364
00:19:45,586 --> 00:19:47,688
Goodnight, Hawkeye.
365
00:19:51,024 --> 00:19:54,227
MAN (on intercom):
A reminder that
the 4077 Christmas party
366
00:19:54,260 --> 00:19:55,996
for the Korean children
in the area
367
00:19:56,029 --> 00:19:58,999
will be held today
at 1400 hours.
368
00:19:59,032 --> 00:20:01,401
So everyone turn out
to meet the kids.
369
00:20:01,434 --> 00:20:03,269
Santa will be there, too.
370
00:20:03,303 --> 00:20:05,672
We can only hope
he's sober.
371
00:20:05,706 --> 00:20:07,841
♪♪♪
372
00:20:13,714 --> 00:20:15,916
Excuse me, sirs.
373
00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:19,285
Would you hold this,
please?
374
00:20:22,656 --> 00:20:24,691
Uh... Pierce?
375
00:20:26,627 --> 00:20:27,994
Pierce?
376
00:20:28,028 --> 00:20:29,930
Captain Pierce!
377
00:20:29,963 --> 00:20:32,365
Pierce, are you crazy?
378
00:20:32,398 --> 00:20:34,334
It was a Christmas present.
379
00:20:34,367 --> 00:20:36,002
If you'd like, I could
do it into a stocking.
380
00:20:36,036 --> 00:20:37,871
Why, you‐‐
381
00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:41,407
You are a moral degenerate!
382
00:20:41,441 --> 00:20:43,844
Me? A moral degenerate?
383
00:20:43,877 --> 00:20:45,546
Santa Claus?
384
00:20:45,579 --> 00:20:47,347
Ho‐ho‐ho‐ho‐
ho‐ho‐ho‐ho.
385
00:20:48,782 --> 00:20:51,017
Margaret, are‐are you
all right?
386
00:20:51,051 --> 00:20:53,920
I'm fine, Frank.
Fine...
387
00:20:53,954 --> 00:20:55,889
Oh, the man's a beast!
An animal.
388
00:20:57,057 --> 00:20:59,826
Yeah...
Every bit of him.
389
00:21:05,031 --> 00:21:08,068
What's the idea giving
Hot Lips mouth‐to‐mouth
resuscitation?
390
00:21:08,101 --> 00:21:10,737
I was getting a culture
for the lab.
391
00:21:10,771 --> 00:21:12,372
Any good?
392
00:21:12,405 --> 00:21:14,074
I think if we could
get her away from Frank,
393
00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:15,842
she could become
a major kisser.
394
00:21:15,876 --> 00:21:17,578
That's what
she's doing now.
395
00:21:17,611 --> 00:21:19,513
Oh, yeah.
396
00:21:20,847 --> 00:21:22,516
How am I gonna get
this thing off?
397
00:21:27,588 --> 00:21:29,623
You realize if
my father sees this,
398
00:21:29,656 --> 00:21:31,057
you'll have to marry me.
399
00:21:31,091 --> 00:21:32,626
I wouldn't marry you
for five dollars.
400
00:21:34,060 --> 00:21:35,796
How's our house?
401
00:21:41,067 --> 00:21:44,470
‐Standing room only.
‐Great!
402
00:21:44,505 --> 00:21:47,007
Okay, help me
with my bag, okay?
403
00:21:50,410 --> 00:21:51,845
I gotta see you.
404
00:21:51,878 --> 00:21:52,946
You'll have to get in
line, little fella.
405
00:21:52,979 --> 00:21:54,615
Santa can't
play favorites.
406
00:21:54,648 --> 00:21:56,817
Hold it!
Radar, where's that‐‐
407
00:21:56,850 --> 00:21:59,853
There's an infantry squad
pinned down on Hill 28,
20 miles up.
408
00:21:59,886 --> 00:22:02,088
They're caught
in heavy crossfire.
409
00:22:02,122 --> 00:22:04,658
Their corporal's been hit bad
and needs cutting pronto
if he's gonna make it.
410
00:22:04,691 --> 00:22:06,426
‐HAWKEYE: How do I get there?
‐Chopper's waiting.
411
00:22:06,459 --> 00:22:08,762
‐Here you go, Santa.
‐Wait a minute‐‐ I'll go.
412
00:22:08,795 --> 00:22:11,131
No, it's a chest wound.
It better be Pierce.
413
00:22:11,164 --> 00:22:12,533
If there's an extra nurse
on the bottom,
414
00:22:12,566 --> 00:22:13,800
‐save her for me.
‐You betcha.
415
00:22:17,538 --> 00:22:19,506
Hey!
416
00:22:19,540 --> 00:22:21,642
If I don't see you...
417
00:22:21,675 --> 00:22:23,577
Merry Christmas.
418
00:22:23,610 --> 00:22:25,712
Tell me when
you see me.
419
00:22:28,782 --> 00:22:30,917
(helicopter whirling)
420
00:22:34,621 --> 00:22:36,089
HAWKEYE: "'Tis the day
before Christmas, Dad,
421
00:22:36,122 --> 00:22:38,559
"and I'd much rather
be in the house.
422
00:22:38,592 --> 00:22:39,960
"Just too many creatures
stirring around here
423
00:22:39,993 --> 00:22:42,563
"for my comfort.
424
00:22:42,596 --> 00:22:44,064
"Frankly, the last thing
I figured when
425
00:22:44,097 --> 00:22:45,966
"I went to med school
was winding up
426
00:22:45,999 --> 00:22:49,135
"flying into battle
dressed as Kriss Kringle.
427
00:22:49,169 --> 00:22:50,871
"But then all
those kids down there
428
00:22:50,904 --> 00:22:52,673
are in the last place
they ever figured."
429
00:22:52,706 --> 00:22:54,508
(explosions below)
430
00:22:54,541 --> 00:22:56,777
(gunfire below)
431
00:22:58,645 --> 00:23:01,047
(explosion)
432
00:23:01,081 --> 00:23:02,749
(gunfire below)
433
00:23:29,510 --> 00:23:31,778
Holy cow!
434
00:23:37,083 --> 00:23:40,687
And you said there was
no Santa Claus, huh?
435
00:23:40,721 --> 00:23:41,988
(gunfire and explosions)
436
00:23:53,834 --> 00:23:56,002
(gunfire and explosions
continue)
437
00:24:03,043 --> 00:24:04,077
(explosion)
438
00:24:18,925 --> 00:24:21,494
"PS, Dad, I almost forgot
to wish you Merry Christmas
439
00:24:21,528 --> 00:24:22,529
"from everyone at MASH.
440
00:24:22,563 --> 00:24:26,266
"Trapper McIntyre...
441
00:24:26,299 --> 00:24:28,635
"Henry Blake...
442
00:24:30,270 --> 00:24:33,774
"Even Frank Burns.
443
00:24:33,807 --> 00:24:34,908
"Hot Lips Houlihan...
444
00:24:36,977 --> 00:24:40,681
"Future used‐car dealer,
Radar O'Reilly...
445
00:24:41,915 --> 00:24:44,551
"Ginger Bayliss...
446
00:24:44,585 --> 00:24:47,654
"Father Mulcahy...
447
00:24:47,688 --> 00:24:49,856
"Corporal Klinger...
448
00:24:49,890 --> 00:24:53,259
"All the ladies
of the ensemble...
449
00:24:53,293 --> 00:24:55,295
"And of course me.
450
00:24:55,328 --> 00:24:57,097
"Your loving son,
451
00:24:57,130 --> 00:25:00,300
"and unsuccessful
draft dodger...
452
00:25:00,333 --> 00:25:02,035
"Hawkeye."
453
00:25:07,073 --> 00:25:09,075
♪♪♪ [theme]
32294
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