All language subtitles for MASH.S01E11.Germ.Warfare.WEBRip.x264-ION10

♪♪♪ (theme)

(woman singing "Happy Days
Are Here Again" in Japanese)

♪ Happy days
are here again ♪

MAN (over P. A.): Attention,
all MASH personnel,

tonight's
War Department film

on how to lead
a good, clean life

has been canceled

due to unusually
heavy indifference.

Mm‐hmm.

Another day of bed rest.

Oh. Yes. He's
coming along splendidly.

I did this one myself.

Quality shows, Frank.

I like to think so.

All right.
Try not to move.

You've bought enough
shrapnel in your backside

to use it as a doorstop.

Let's watch our language,
shall we, McIntyre?

(sigh) Frank,
I'm sorry about that,

but you know how it is.
War is heck.

What have you got against
writing intelligibly?

If I could have done that,
I'd have become a lawyer.

Another day of bed rest.
Continued IVs.

How are you this
morning, Pierce?

Not too good, but I'll
feel better once I desert.

This man's North Korean.

Right, first time.

Well,
you better tell the MPs

to have him transferred
to the POW section.

Time, Frank, time.

We just got this kid
outta shock.

He's got multiple
lacerations.

We stick him in the clink,
he's liable to kick off.

Oh, he doesn't look
that bad to me.

Look, whatever he needs,

he can get it
at the next stop.

I'm sending him out.

Hold it, Doctor.

What this guy needs is
some plasma and some rest.

He doesn't need a ticket
for being on the wrong side.

We've got
limited bed space.
You know that.

Why doesn't somebody tell them
that up at the front?

They keep shooting
each other like we've
got beds for everybody.

‐Get him out today.
‐I don't think so.

Look, don't make me
get unpleasant.

I can't improve
on nature, Frank.

‐He goes.
‐He stays.

I'm sorry, but this time,
he happens to be right.

Look, I know the guy behaves
like an enlistment poster,

but I mean, this time,
I gotta back Frank up.

I want one day
for that patient.

‐One day.
‐You want.

You know, Pierce,

you got a way of making
every man in this outfit

feel as if
he's working for you.

Henry, open your
middle drawer.

Look, this is not just
another beef against
Frank Burns, you know.

We can't turn
that kid away.

Well, I mean, you're not
asking much, are you?

I mean, you only want me
to give him one unit

of AB negative.

One lousy
pint of blood.

Henry, I mean,
who'll ever miss it?

We're talking
about AB negative.

Look, if I hand out
AB neg to somebody
from the other side,

and then one of
our kids needs it,

Well, General Hammond
will personally

give me a tylectomy
without a local.

Yes, sir.
Radar!

Pierce.
Damn it, Radar.

How many times have I
told you not to come in here

before I call you?

Well, I don't like
to be late, sir.

How can you be late
if you come in here

before I even know
I want you?

Ours is not to
question why, sir.

What why? What? I‐‐

You wanted these
transfer orders, sir?

‐No, I want the
transfer orders.
‐Yes, sir.

Those ones that you've
got there in your hand.

Those are the ones.

Wait a minute, Henry.
What orders are those?

You're not transferring
the Korean?

I've got no choice.
Now, honest...

I mean, we've only
got so many beds,

and this kid's got one
waiting someplace else.

That'll be all, Rad‐‐

Gimme 24 hours before
you ship him out.

No.

One day.

As opposed to 24 hours?

Henry, you're turning
into a regular army clown

before our very eyes.

(exhales) Yeah.

All right, take all
the time you want.

You mean it?

Just get him outta
the post‐op.

All right,
where do we put him?

Anywhere.
I mean‐‐ But I don't
want any more static

from Frank Burns.
That man is a raw nerve.

HAWKEYE:
I couldn't agree more.

TRAPPER JOHN:
You know, if I
didn't know better,

I'd say the guy was
my wife in army drag.

No sweat. Everything's
gonna be okay.

Ask him if
he's comfortable.

(speaking Korean)

Glucose on this side.

Look, ask him his name.

We can't just treat him
like a wounded egg roll.

(speaking Korean)

Wish we had
subtitles for this.

(speaking Korean)

He's called Pai.

Welcome to the
end of the war, Pai.

RADAR:
Hawkeye.

Oh, here's the personal
records you wanted.

This‐‐ this is the entire
MASH personnel here

and their blood type.

Terrific.

Take two splints
out of petty cash.

Surprising how many of us
have blood, isn't it?

Well, it's not so hard
if you stay far enough
behind the lines.

I'm trying to find
somebody with AB neg.

Pssst.

Isn't that the POW?

That's right.
He's in my C‐O‐T.

I ordered him
shipped out.

What's he doing here?

Easy, Frank.
Henry okayed it.

He's not taking up
anybody's space but mine.

Why don't you
buzz off, Frank?

Go review your
hypocritical oath.

Trap?

Hmm?

What do you think?

(thump)

Hey.

(imitating Bela Lugosi)
Good work, Igor. Very good.

In the morning, he will
be one of my brides.

(whimpering)

Shhh.

Not so loud, my count.

Oh, Margaret...
(mumbling)

I think we struck dream.

Oh, Frank,
you're so strong.

You're so big
and strong.

(sighing, mumbling)

We don't want to
get him too excited.

We might start something
we can't finish.

‐You got enough?
‐Almost.

I wanna put
a head on it.

This guy can sleep
through anything.

But then he gets a lot of
practice while he's awake.

‐How are you doin'?
‐Full.

One pint even.

Shall we check his oil
while we're at it?

You get him cleaned up.

I'll go get Pai ready.

Good night, darling.

You're the greatest.

Hmm...

Did you get it?

A full pint.

Great. Is he all right?

He's fine.

They may have to put
starch in his underwear

to sit up, but he's okay.

I see you ordered
the hunt breakfast.

The hunt breakfast?
What is‐‐

Forget it.

Can I help it if the war
gives me an appetite?

That's an awfully dirty look
for so early in the day.

I just wanted to
thank you for last night.

You weren't with me
last night.

I was speaking
for my fantasies.

You never quit,
do you?

Well, in the absence
of any real success

with you in the amour
department,

you have to allow me
the odd fantasy or two.

You're having one
right now, aren't you?

Yeah.

Is this a new one
or are you undressing me

with your eyes again?

Well, if I did it
with my hands,

‐I'd get killed, right?
‐Uh‐huh.

Not a bad way to go, really.

What do you say?

You got a minute?

Uh, actually, I'm trying
to make some time

with this
lieutenant person.

He's got a minute.

It's about Pai.

See ya later.

I'm sure you will,

whether I'm there or not.

‐What's wrong?
‐You name it.

Severe abdominal
pains, nausea,

darkened specimen,

can't keep anything
on his stomach.

‐Transfusion reaction.
‐Mm‐hmm.

Last night's trip
to Transylvania.

Same symptoms
as hepatitis.

But it can't be
from Frank's blood.

I mean, not that fast.

It might be
a new variant.

Well, stranger things
have happened.

If Frank did have it,

it'd be a lovely way to
get him out of our hair.

What about outta
the outfit?

There he goes.
Typhoid Mary.

Loaded with
jaundice juice.

Let's go.

‐Hey, Frank.
‐Frank!

Frank.

Hold it up.

Hey, how do you
feel, pal?

Feel? Me?

‐Yeah.
‐What's the gag?

No gag.
We're interested
in your health.

Oh, come on!

Frank, listen.

You, uh, are you
eating all right?

I mean, do you
have any signs of
fatigue or anything?

None. Why are you...?

Well, my sleep was off
a bit last night.

I had this weird dream.

‐Yeah?
‐What was it?

That I was a soda with
a big straw stickin' in me.

You know something?

You could be coming
down with something.

A guy who works
as hard as you.

Feel that, feel that.

‐Huh? Huh?
‐Oh, wow.

You guys are
starting something.

Frank,
don't be paranoid.

I'm only paranoid 'cause
everybody's against me.

Fever, too, Doctor, you know?
High pulse rate.

Yeah, a little
disoriented here.

‐Classic signs.
‐Oh, cut it out.

Hey, Frank, listen.

Why don't you give us
a blood sample?

The lab down in Seoul can
do a complete run on you

and have the results
back here in two hours.

I'm fine.
I'm completely fine.

The last thing I'm gonna
give you two ghouls

is any of my blood.

Ghouls.

That's a nice thing
to call us vampires.

You know, we are gonna
have to check him out.

I mean,
for his own good.

I don't think we can do
another midnight caper.

Well, we got
a little left over

from last night's
siphon.

It might be enough.

I think we're gonna have to
get something else from Frank

to back that up,
don't you?

Definitely.

Frank, old buddy,

let's hope you're not too
house‐broken.

(whistling)

(speaking Korean)

‐Okay?
‐Okay.

Frank Burns
at six o'clock.

Oh, what do
you say, Frank?

You got a minute?

I'm not giving you
a blood sample.

I'm probably the fittest
man in this outfit.

And don't ask me again
how I feel,

because you have
no real concern for
my welfare at all.

Take it easy, Frank.

There's a vein
standing out on your head

you could
tow a car with.

We just wanted your help,
that's all.

Yeah.

You wanted
my help?

Well three's something
wrong with the beer, Frank,

and we can't
figure out what it is.

Well, you know all I know
about beer is that I...

I can't hold it.

I told you he'd be
too hard‐nosed to help.

Yeah, I thought for once
he'd be a regular guy.

Well, let's see.

Okay, try this.

Tastes all right to me.

Well, that's not
enough to tell.

It's fine.

Okay, try this one.

Aren't they the same?

Close your eyes.

No monkey business.

Come on.

Now try this one.

Now, remember
what that tastes like.

‐Mm‐hmm.
‐And try this one.

Now which one
was stronger?

The first one
or the second one?

I'm not really sure.

Okay, let's try
the first one again.

All right, now we'll
try the other one.

Well?
What do you think?

I'll be right back.

Which beer do you
think's flatter?

Oh, I‐I don't know.
Just leave me alone,
can't you.

You don't think
the first was different
from the second?

No. Yes. Wh‐Whatever.

Why are you two
following me?

Oh, no problem.
It's on our way.

‐What's on your way?
‐Wherever you're going.

That's the great
kinda guys we are.

(hammering)

‐Oh, morning, sir.
‐What are you‐‐
What are you doing?

Get this thing
out of my way!

I'm sorry, sir.
This is closed.

Closed?

How can it be closed?

We're redecorating.

What kind of
nonsense is this?

No, we're just trying to
brighten up our lives, sir.

We had many complaints
that the latrines lacked

any sort of aesthetic
quality whatsoever,

and it's essential
that we show the Koreans

democratic plumbing
in action.

Does the colonel
know about this?

Well, of course
he does, sir.

He signed
the papers himself.

Well what are we
supposed to do

until
the grand reopening?

Well, if you'll just
step this way, sir,

we have a temporary officers'
arrangement right over here.

This is it?

Well, there's
more to it, sir.

(bucket clanging)

Ready, Pierce?

Hang on.

You got
the full scam?

I get the stuff
to HQ lab in Seoul,

wait for the report

and get back here
as fast as I can.

‐Or it's?
‐My butt, sir.

All right.

Drive carefully.

‐Yes, sir.
‐Okay, go.

How long
do you figure?

Two hours, tops.

Well, we can't let him
near any patients

until we get
that report.

Right.
No patients.

And no Hot Lips.

HAWKEYE (narrating): Observe
the female of the species.

Seemingly calm and detached,

her tiny G.I. bosom
is beating wildly

because she senses
the presence

of her frequent partner

the notorious red‐necked
nose‐breather.

Uh‐oh. The signaling
process has begun.

Eyeballs are exchanged,

and our khaki lovers

do their famous "Where will
we meet today?" ritual.

It is almost impossible

for the uninitiated
to discern any connection

between these two
U. S. Army majors,

yet the trained
observer will see

that what these two
officers have in mind

is to arrange a bit
of brass rubbing.

(whistling bird call)

Excuse me.

‐Uh, excuse me, sir. Sir?
‐Huh? Huh?

Uh, The colonel says
that he'd like to see you

in his office
immediately.

‐The‐The colonel?
‐Yes, sir.

He's really very upset
about something

and wants you there
right away.

‐Now?
‐Yes, sir. He said immediately.

It was imperative that
you got there right away.

Oh!

(exhales)

I've been on fire all day.

Just the sight of you
and I wanna do crazy things.

Okay,
where do we start?

Oh, any way.

What are you doing here?

I'm taking a survey for
the Peeping Toms of America.

You foul‐minded, dirty,
sneaking, spying‐‐

Not only that,

but Dish wants you
in post‐op on the double.

Oh! You haven't heard
the last of this!

I bet I have.

Why‐Why would I
send for you, Frank?

I would assume that
if you sent for me,

you'd at least know why.

Well, I mean,
I would too.

Why that
certainly follows.

Excuse me.

‐Yes, sir?
‐Rada‐‐

Radar, Major Burns here
says you said I said

I wanted to see him.
Is that true?

Yes, sir.

Well, did I
want to see him?

You must have, sir.
Here he is.

Radar, are you tryin' to‐‐

Why would I wanna
pull a fast one, sir?

Will you stop saying
what I am thinking?

One of us has to.

Would you mind initialing
these initials?

Why am I initialing
these initials?

To authorize a stamp made
with your initials, sir.

Oh.

It'll save you having
to do so much initialing.

‐Uh‐huh. Good thinking.
‐Thank you.

Thank you.

Colonel,
am I dismissed?

Hmm?

Oh. Yes, uh...

I think we've, um, just
about covered it, Frank.

Covered what?

Whatever.

Come see us
any time, sir.

But I didn't send
for you, Major, really.

Then why did Pierce say
you needed my help?

Everything's under control.

That's when this place
is the most dangerous.

Sorry I couldn't
meet you.

I was sent
on a wild goose chase.

Hmm.

So was I.

Margaret,
what's happening?

They're jealous,
all of them jealous,

of our‐‐ our fine, almost
spiritual relationship.

Oh, you're so right.

They want to keep us apart

because we're symbols of‐‐

of what a decent man and woman
can mean to each other

without the tawdriness

that fills their sordid
little affairs.

Yes, yes.

Take one step closer,

and I'll bite your chest
right through your shirt.

Oh, Margaret.

Where can we go?

I'll check
the vegetable bins.

Frank, it's 4:30. We have
to go on hospital duty.

Eight whole hours
before I can touch you?

There's always
the coffee break.

It's 4:30.

Yeah...

All right, let's go.

Boone should be back
any minute.

Any minute
would be just fine.

‐You got 'em?
‐Yeah, I got 'em.

Hi, kids. Shall we
make it a double date?

Just watch your tongue.

Can you say that
in front of her?

Hey, Frank, we got
a pretty light load
in there today.

Why don't you
let us handle it?

Oh, I carry
my own weight.

We can't let you
operate, Frank.

You look like
an ad for death.

You can't?

The gall.

It's your liver,
actually.

Think you'd better
tell him.

We think you might have
hepatitis, Frank.

What are you
talking about?

We took a pint of blood
outta you last night.

‐You what?
‐You took his what?

We drilled for blood,
we gave it to the POW,

and now he shows every
sign of serum hepatitis.

Well, it takes weeks for
such symptoms to appear.

He probably came
in here with it.

Yeah, maybe.

‐But who knows?
‐Yeah.

My gown, Major.

‐You're not going
in there, Frank.
‐Oh, yes, I am.

No, Frank, you're
a walkin' bug factory.

I'll deal with you two
leeches after my shift.

Sergeant,
do your duty.

Major.

Hey, what are you
doing there?

Hey, get those off me,
you maniac!

Quiet, please.
This is a hospital.

Let me out of this!

‐Enjoy it while you can.
‐Easy, Frank.

We'll have your report
back in no time.

Somebody!

Report? On my what?

I don't think we should
tell him about that.

‐No, I don't think‐‐
‐I'll have you broken.

There had better be a good
reason for all this racket!

I want these two
arrested immediately!

You always want
these two arrested
immediately.

Colonel,
look at us!

Yeah, well, it looks
a little silly,

I mean,
without the music.

Look, if you have a good
explanation for this,

I'll be a most
attentive audience.

‐Sir?
‐HENRY: Yes?

Oh, uh,
not you, sir.

This sir here, sir.
Here, sir.

Unlock him.
Lab report, Frank.

"All tests for
hepatitis negative."

You can't win 'em all.

I told you so.

That POW came in here
with it.

You stole a pint of
my blood for nothing.

They what?

Maybe you'd know more about
what going on in this camp

if you weren't so busy
redecorating latrines.

Redecorating latrines?
Well, I'm not‐‐

‐Radar, am I redecorating‐‐
‐Later, sir.

Okay, folks.
Visiting hours are over.

Uh‐oh.
Bad news, Frank.

‐What?
‐You've got anemia.

‐Anemia?
‐Well, what do you expect

if you give a pint of blood
when you're not ready for it?

Yeah, you should have
checked with us first.

Yeah, you're too
selfless, Frank.

Very good. What do you say, men?

Hiya, Frank.
Hi, Pai.

Hi, guys.

How come the enemy talks
to us and you don't?

You guys have
a rough shift today?

Oh, bad enough.

But we didn't forget
our star patient.

No hard feelings,
Frank?

‐Well...
‐That's good,

because there's
a heart transplant

we'd like
to experiment with

and you're just
the right type.

You‐‐

♪♪♪ (theme)