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♪♪♪ (theme)
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♪♪♪ (theme)
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♪♪♪
‐One.
‐One?
4
00:01:18,144 --> 00:01:19,479
One.
5
00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:20,514
Can you believe
this guy?
6
00:01:20,547 --> 00:01:21,515
He asks for one.
7
00:01:21,548 --> 00:01:23,249
Will you just deal?
8
00:01:25,786 --> 00:01:28,154
Ten dollars.
9
00:01:30,156 --> 00:01:31,592
Man's luck is not
to be believed.
10
00:01:31,625 --> 00:01:33,259
Nothing worse
than a sore winner.
11
00:01:33,293 --> 00:01:34,561
Luck?
12
00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:36,296
My openers.
13
00:01:36,329 --> 00:01:38,364
Luck has nothing
to do with it.
14
00:01:38,398 --> 00:01:40,867
I win all the time
because my heart is pure.
15
00:01:40,901 --> 00:01:42,468
Right, Frank?
16
00:01:42,503 --> 00:01:44,237
You're a vice‐ridden
degenerate, Pierce.
17
00:01:44,270 --> 00:01:46,239
I think you even
have a heart.
18
00:01:46,272 --> 00:01:47,373
Ooh, Frank,
for a doctor,
19
00:01:47,407 --> 00:01:49,309
that's a very
serious diagnosis.
20
00:01:49,342 --> 00:01:50,911
Now, now, we all know how
competent and dedicated
21
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:52,813
Frank is.
22
00:01:52,846 --> 00:01:54,581
That's why he and Hot Lips
spend every night together
23
00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:57,518
in the examination room.
24
00:01:57,551 --> 00:01:59,686
It so happens that
Major Houlihan and I
25
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:03,323
are studying the treatment
of cardiac arrests.
26
00:02:03,356 --> 00:02:07,227
I wouldn't mind making a
cardiac arrest on Hot Lips.
27
00:02:07,260 --> 00:02:09,195
Her name is Margaret.
28
00:02:09,229 --> 00:02:10,564
Oh, $24.50, Ho‐Jon.
29
00:02:10,597 --> 00:02:11,732
What's the total?
30
00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:17,403
Uh, $309.68, Hawkeye.
31
00:02:17,437 --> 00:02:19,372
Let's keep those nickels
and dimes coming, gang.
32
00:02:19,405 --> 00:02:20,674
You keep that up,
33
00:02:20,707 --> 00:02:22,175
And I'm gonna put
your tongue in traction.
34
00:02:22,208 --> 00:02:24,511
How did you two ever
become doctors?
35
00:02:24,545 --> 00:02:26,212
Why did you become
a doctor, Major?
36
00:02:26,246 --> 00:02:27,881
To meet girls.
37
00:02:27,914 --> 00:02:31,417
It was the wish
of my dear mother,
38
00:02:31,451 --> 00:02:34,755
the guiding force
of my life, who...
39
00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:38,191
The frame.
40
00:02:39,259 --> 00:02:41,227
My sterling silver frame!
41
00:02:41,261 --> 00:02:42,929
Take it easy, Frank.
42
00:02:42,963 --> 00:02:44,665
You stole
her frame, you...
43
00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:46,266
Guys!
44
00:02:46,299 --> 00:02:47,333
You've done some
terrible things before,
45
00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:48,334
but this is
the worst!
46
00:02:48,368 --> 00:02:50,303
You're fiends!
47
00:02:51,838 --> 00:02:53,473
‐Margaret, I‐‐
‐(groaning)
48
00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:55,241
‐You look awful!
‐Oh, no. Don't look.
49
00:02:55,275 --> 00:02:56,543
Oh, Frank,
what do you want?
50
00:02:56,577 --> 00:02:58,679
My mother's
silver frame is gone.
51
00:02:58,712 --> 00:03:00,647
Well, I didn't take it.
52
00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:02,816
Well, I'm not accusing
you, but it's gone!
53
00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:05,752
You know how much
my mother means to me.
54
00:03:05,786 --> 00:03:08,855
Oh, Frank,
it's only a frame.
55
00:03:08,889 --> 00:03:10,390
Well it's the principle.
56
00:03:10,423 --> 00:03:12,793
I feel... violated.
My own mother's picture.
57
00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:15,596
To think those animals
even laid their hands on it.
58
00:03:15,629 --> 00:03:17,263
Would you hand me
my brushes?
59
00:03:17,297 --> 00:03:19,966
Well I don't think
spanking them will do any good.
60
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:21,868
No, Frank,
I'm gonna brush my hair.
61
00:03:21,902 --> 00:03:24,237
100 strokes, every night.
62
00:03:24,270 --> 00:03:26,239
Well, it's getting late.
I might just stay for 50.
63
00:03:26,272 --> 00:03:28,642
‐Frank, my brushes?
‐Well, where are they?
64
00:03:28,675 --> 00:03:31,778
On the night table
where I always keep them.
65
00:03:31,812 --> 00:03:34,347
My brushes!
(gasping)
66
00:03:34,380 --> 00:03:35,516
Where are they?
Where are my brushes?
67
00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:36,683
Margaret,
control yourself!
68
00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:38,251
They're gone!
Somebody took them!
69
00:03:38,284 --> 00:03:39,520
Margaret,
they're only brushes!
70
00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:41,555
Oh, my‐‐
No, they're not!
71
00:03:41,588 --> 00:03:45,391
My father
gave those to me!
72
00:03:45,425 --> 00:03:48,695
(giggling)
73
00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:50,931
‐Leslie?
‐Yes?
74
00:03:56,302 --> 00:03:58,271
Oh! Oh, is it mine?
75
00:04:00,974 --> 00:04:03,343
Oh, Henry!
76
00:04:03,376 --> 00:04:05,546
That's the fish
you caught last week.
77
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,347
Your very first.
78
00:04:08,815 --> 00:04:11,518
And you had it
stuffed just for me.
79
00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:15,622
That's not all.
80
00:04:17,824 --> 00:04:21,595
As a little token
of my admiration...
81
00:04:22,729 --> 00:04:27,501
I sent to, uh,
Tokyo for this.
82
00:04:28,569 --> 00:04:30,003
Oh, Henry!
83
00:04:30,036 --> 00:04:31,705
Oh, it's not?
84
00:04:31,738 --> 00:04:33,707
It certainly is.
85
00:04:33,740 --> 00:04:36,743
A Sato Tanaka
double‐cammed reel
86
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:39,913
with jeweled escarpment.
87
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:41,582
(gasping)
88
00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:46,352
Well, I can hardly wait
to show the girls.
89
00:04:47,754 --> 00:04:50,323
‐Open it.
‐Oh, yes!
90
00:04:52,559 --> 00:04:55,929
‐Henry?
‐It's gone!
91
00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:22,789
I've got post‐op duty,
Captain.
92
00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:24,791
Not for 26 minutes,
you don't.
93
00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:26,627
I'll check my alarm watch.
94
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:29,462
Hmm. Must have left it
in the tent.
95
00:05:29,495 --> 00:05:30,964
Well, we'll make
our own clock.
96
00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:32,599
First you put
the big hand here,
97
00:05:32,633 --> 00:05:33,967
and then
the little hand there.
98
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,068
You're running
a little fast.
99
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:43,944
(groans)
100
00:05:46,146 --> 00:05:48,982
‐Hey.
‐What a day.
101
00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:50,984
I sawed up enough people
to make a crazy quilt.
102
00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:52,986
Have you seen my watch?
103
00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:55,656
It's Tuesday. It's 1951.
What more do you have to know?
104
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:57,991
Well, I'd like
to find my watch.
105
00:05:58,024 --> 00:06:00,126
Ho‐Jon, the elixir of life!
106
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:02,796
Drinks for me and my men,
and water for our horses.
107
00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:07,801
Oh, where is it?
There it is.
108
00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:12,005
Oh.
109
00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:15,475
(groaning)
110
00:06:19,012 --> 00:06:21,515
Ah, the symphony begins.
111
00:06:21,548 --> 00:06:23,517
(liquid pouring)
112
00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:27,554
The sultry saxophone
splashes of melody.
113
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:32,559
A subtle drumbrush
for counterpoint.
114
00:06:32,593 --> 00:06:36,196
The plucking
of cool harp strings.
115
00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:37,831
And now...
116
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:44,638
The silver vibes of
the gentle swizzle stick.
117
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:49,142
And now, the silver vibes of
the gentle swizzle stick.
118
00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:53,547
‐Ho‐Jon?
‐"Stizzle swick" not here.
119
00:06:56,216 --> 00:06:58,919
Who stole my "stizzle swick"?
120
00:06:58,952 --> 00:07:01,021
(chattering)
121
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:04,725
If everybody'll
keep it down,
122
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:05,892
we're trying to talk!
123
00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:07,594
‐Radar?
‐Ten‐hut!
124
00:07:07,628 --> 00:07:11,064
Call everyone to attention.
At ease, men.
125
00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:13,166
Uh, everyone,
uh, be seated.
126
00:07:16,069 --> 00:07:18,739
I assume you all read
my notice concerning
127
00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:20,206
our recent crime wave.
128
00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:22,475
I would have read it,
but the notice was stolen.
129
00:07:22,509 --> 00:07:24,878
I'm talking about
the rash of thefts
130
00:07:24,911 --> 00:07:26,580
that have plagued
our camp.
131
00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:28,849
‐Our plague has a rash.
‐That's the worst kind.
132
00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:32,553
As it stated, uh,
in the interest of morale
133
00:07:32,586 --> 00:07:33,720
and unity, the, uh‐‐
134
00:07:33,754 --> 00:07:36,089
‐Pass the salt?
‐Yes, of course.
135
00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:38,525
The, uh, guilty party
need only return
136
00:07:38,559 --> 00:07:41,127
the stolen articles
by 1900 hours,
137
00:07:41,161 --> 00:07:43,129
uh, tonight.
138
00:07:43,163 --> 00:07:45,231
(chattering)
139
00:07:45,265 --> 00:07:50,270
Well, it is, uh, now
1900 hours minus 30 seconds.
140
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:53,006
The lights will, uh,
now be turned off.
141
00:07:53,039 --> 00:07:55,108
‐Thank you, Radar.
‐(groaning)
142
00:07:55,141 --> 00:07:57,143
And the aforementioned
guilty party
143
00:07:57,177 --> 00:07:59,112
may now return the things.
144
00:07:59,145 --> 00:08:00,514
(woman shrieks)
145
00:08:00,547 --> 00:08:01,848
WOMAN: Trapper, stop that!
146
00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:03,249
TRAPPER: Stop what?
I'm over here!
147
00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:04,651
(man exclaims)
148
00:08:04,685 --> 00:08:06,252
WOMAN 2:
Oh, I'm sorry, Father!
149
00:08:06,286 --> 00:08:07,654
MULCAHY:
Oh, that's all right,
my child.
150
00:08:07,688 --> 00:08:09,255
You couldn't have known.
Thank you.
151
00:08:09,289 --> 00:08:10,924
HAWKEYE:
You little devil.
152
00:08:10,957 --> 00:08:12,258
HOULIHAN:
What are you
talking about?
153
00:08:12,292 --> 00:08:14,595
HAWKEYE: Frank,
you little devil!
154
00:08:14,628 --> 00:08:16,229
FRANK:
Oh, you're disgusting.
155
00:08:16,262 --> 00:08:18,198
Radar, is it 1900 hours?
156
00:08:18,231 --> 00:08:19,766
RADAR:
I can't see the clock.
157
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:24,137
‐Then turn on the...
‐Hey, my bag is gone!
158
00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:27,273
‐Mine, too!
‐Wait!
159
00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:29,910
All right, now.
Who took my spoon?
160
00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:32,245
Somebody took my spoon!
161
00:08:32,278 --> 00:08:33,980
♪♪♪
162
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:35,682
HENRY: I'm, uh, sorry
to say this, folks,
163
00:08:35,716 --> 00:08:37,884
but, uh, you have
left me no alternative
164
00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:40,654
but to conduct
a tent‐by‐tent search,
165
00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:42,288
which will start
immediately
166
00:08:42,322 --> 00:08:44,925
and continue until
I unearth the guilty party
167
00:08:44,958 --> 00:08:49,229
or parties, as the, uh,
case or, uh, cases may be.
168
00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:58,972
No one will be excluded
from this grueling search.
169
00:08:59,005 --> 00:09:01,942
I'm including myself,
right down to my right hand,
170
00:09:01,975 --> 00:09:04,578
Corporal O'Reilly.
171
00:09:04,611 --> 00:09:06,813
Naturally, I regret
any and all embarrassment
172
00:09:06,847 --> 00:09:09,883
this may cause
to whomsoever it does.
173
00:09:22,696 --> 00:09:24,330
But, uh, you,
that is to say,
174
00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:26,299
the guilty one of you,
175
00:09:26,332 --> 00:09:27,934
have left me no other way
176
00:09:27,968 --> 00:09:29,936
but to leave no stones
177
00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:32,706
or even shower
unturned, uh, on.
178
00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:35,576
♪♪♪
179
00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:03,970
At ease, men.
180
00:10:23,323 --> 00:10:25,726
‐McIntyre?
‐Yeah?
181
00:10:25,759 --> 00:10:28,762
‐What's in here?
‐Soot, sir.
182
00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:31,031
‐Soot?
‐Yep.
183
00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:33,066
I'll be the judge of that.
184
00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:13,807
‐Pierce?
‐Yes?
185
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:16,943
Whose is this?
186
00:11:16,977 --> 00:11:19,345
I'll give you
three guesses.
187
00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:20,313
Open it.
188
00:11:22,148 --> 00:11:23,349
Open it!
189
00:11:23,383 --> 00:11:25,919
Oh, Henry,
don't be ridiculous.
190
00:11:25,952 --> 00:11:29,289
Well, if you want my
opinion, this whole...
191
00:11:31,491 --> 00:11:33,894
This whole thing is
not only a complete...
192
00:11:33,927 --> 00:11:36,029
(laughing hysterically)
193
00:11:36,062 --> 00:11:39,966
a complete waste of time,
it's also an insult
194
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:41,868
to the intelligence
of everybody...
195
00:11:41,902 --> 00:11:44,104
♪♪♪
196
00:11:49,776 --> 00:11:51,111
Why don't we have a drink?
197
00:12:03,990 --> 00:12:05,358
Henry, this is crazy.Actually,
it's past crazy.
198
00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:07,493
It's taken a left turn
into ludicrous!
199
00:12:07,528 --> 00:12:10,430
Look, if you will just
tell me what the joke is,
200
00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:13,099
then we can let things get
back to abnormal around here.
201
00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:14,768
Joke? You‐‐
202
00:12:14,801 --> 00:12:16,469
I don't have that bizarre
a sense of humor!
203
00:12:16,503 --> 00:12:19,540
Oh, now weren't you the one
who sent General Barker
204
00:12:19,573 --> 00:12:21,474
the brownies with
the laxative filling?
205
00:12:23,409 --> 00:12:24,978
The court‐martial forms,
Colonel.
206
00:12:25,011 --> 00:12:25,979
Court‐martial?
Wait a minute.
207
00:12:26,012 --> 00:12:27,313
What is this?
208
00:12:27,347 --> 00:12:28,381
You trying to beat
the four‐minute frame?
209
00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:30,016
Speaking of which,
210
00:12:30,050 --> 00:12:32,318
this goes right back
around my mother.
211
00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:34,955
That is Exhibit A, Frank.
212
00:12:34,988 --> 00:12:36,957
And you go into
the stockade.
213
00:12:36,990 --> 00:12:38,959
Yes siree, Bob!
Right into the clink!
214
00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:40,426
You tell him, Frank.
215
00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:42,162
You know,
I've never hit a woman.
216
00:12:42,195 --> 00:12:43,530
You put one hand on her...
217
00:12:43,564 --> 00:12:46,166
I was thinking
of you, Frank.
218
00:12:46,199 --> 00:12:47,901
Okay, let's knock it off.
219
00:12:47,934 --> 00:12:49,435
Let me know when you all
come to your senses,
220
00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:51,237
then we can find out
who really took this stuff.
221
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:52,539
I'm going to my tent.
222
00:12:52,573 --> 00:12:54,240
Knock three times
and stay out.
223
00:12:56,877 --> 00:12:58,278
Pierce?
224
00:12:58,311 --> 00:13:00,080
If you would just sign
right here, Colonel.
225
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:01,147
Oh, come on, Major.
226
00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:02,849
He was caught
with the goods.
227
00:13:02,883 --> 00:13:05,218
At least that's the way
General Barker understands it.
228
00:13:05,251 --> 00:13:07,187
‐You called‐‐
‐I called General Barker.
229
00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:08,522
Excuse me,
I'll get my pen.
230
00:13:11,057 --> 00:13:12,959
‐Where is my pen?
‐Pierce!
231
00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:14,260
He's done it again!
232
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:15,862
‐Oh, for‐‐
‐Here's your pen, sir.
233
00:13:15,896 --> 00:13:17,363
‐You left it on my desk.
‐Oh, thank you.
234
00:13:17,397 --> 00:13:19,232
Now you see what happens
when you jump to conclusions?
235
00:13:19,265 --> 00:13:21,902
I say he should be kept under
constant surveillance.
236
00:13:21,935 --> 00:13:23,336
That's ridiculous.
237
00:13:23,369 --> 00:13:25,939
Why don't we get the
general's opinion on that?
238
00:13:27,107 --> 00:13:29,543
♪♪♪
239
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:40,420
(whistling)
240
00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:58,572
(stops whistling)
241
00:14:00,006 --> 00:14:01,441
Hiya, Radar. What's up?
242
00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:06,580
Nothing much.
What's‐‐ What are you up to?
243
00:14:08,649 --> 00:14:09,950
I'm just laying around.
244
00:14:12,653 --> 00:14:14,154
That's the way I feel, too.
245
00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:15,455
You mind if I just
lay around with you?
246
00:14:17,658 --> 00:14:19,292
Not if you use
another bunk.
247
00:14:22,663 --> 00:14:25,966
(whistling)
248
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:32,305
(continues whistling)
249
00:14:32,338 --> 00:14:34,174
Why are you staring at me?
250
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:36,342
I'm not staring at you.
251
00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:38,645
I'm just looking in your
direction, that's all.
252
00:14:38,679 --> 00:14:42,015
Well, that's
a very fine distinction.
253
00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:45,986
Hi.
254
00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:49,656
How's it going?
Any wealthy patients check in?
255
00:14:49,690 --> 00:14:52,358
What are you
doing there, Radar?
256
00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:54,027
Staring at me.
It's a new hobby.
257
00:14:56,296 --> 00:15:00,200
(murmuring)
258
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:02,002
‐Scalpel.
‐Scalpel.
259
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,076
One scalpel.
260
00:15:10,110 --> 00:15:14,247
(doctors chattering)
261
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:17,383
And now a special dedication
262
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:19,686
to Captain Hawkeye Pierce.
263
00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:22,222
"Someone To Watch Over Me."
264
00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:27,193
♪♪♪ (big band music playing)
265
00:15:39,540 --> 00:15:41,007
Looking for me,
Hawkeye?
266
00:15:41,041 --> 00:15:42,008
Uh, not really.
267
00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:44,010
Have a seat, my son.
268
00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:45,646
May I‐‐
May I help you?
269
00:15:45,679 --> 00:15:48,248
I've been hoping
you'd stop by.
270
00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:51,718
I mean, don't be deceived
by these trappings.
271
00:15:51,752 --> 00:15:54,588
Underneath them,
I'm just an ordinary man
272
00:15:54,621 --> 00:15:57,724
who is as prone
to temptation as you are.
273
00:15:57,758 --> 00:15:59,726
Would you like to
talk about it, Father?
274
00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:01,261
You're overwrought.
275
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:02,596
It's quite normal
276
00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:04,264
considering the burden
you must be carrying.
277
00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:05,465
Hmm.
278
00:16:05,498 --> 00:16:07,000
In other words,
you think I did it, too.
279
00:16:07,033 --> 00:16:09,770
Well, I only know that,
given our circumstances,
280
00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:12,272
the best of us
can behave in erratic
281
00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:15,341
and irresponsible ways.
282
00:16:15,375 --> 00:16:18,311
As with everything else,
it's all in here.
283
00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:23,750
The dictionary?
284
00:16:23,784 --> 00:16:25,652
I did have a Bible here.
285
00:16:25,686 --> 00:16:27,654
Thanks anyway, Father.
286
00:16:27,688 --> 00:16:30,624
Hawkeye?
287
00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:35,395
Attention, tonight's movie
is "Les Misérablah‐‐ ables,"
288
00:16:35,428 --> 00:16:37,798
the riveting tale
of a man who steals
289
00:16:37,831 --> 00:16:40,200
and is relentlessly pursued.
290
00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:42,636
Sort of like
somebody we all know.
291
00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:45,138
Barbara, just the warm
body I wanted to see.
292
00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:47,307
‐Oops, the other one.
‐Let's go down to the river
293
00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:48,709
and practice mouth‐to‐mouth
resuscitation.
294
00:16:48,742 --> 00:16:50,644
I don't think so.
295
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:53,780
Lieutenant, I've always
admired your analytical mind.
296
00:16:53,814 --> 00:16:56,249
You're one of the people
who can see things clearly
297
00:16:56,282 --> 00:16:59,085
without emotion or prejudice.
Let me ask you‐‐
298
00:16:59,119 --> 00:17:00,587
I think you did it.
299
00:17:00,621 --> 00:17:03,323
Let me rephrase
the question.
300
00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:06,059
How would you assess
my general character?
301
00:17:06,092 --> 00:17:08,428
You're cynical and selfish.
302
00:17:08,461 --> 00:17:09,730
When you're not in
the operating room,
303
00:17:09,763 --> 00:17:11,464
all you ever think about
is your own pleasure.
304
00:17:11,497 --> 00:17:13,433
Don't sugar‐coat it.
Give it to me straight.
305
00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:16,336
I'm very disappointed
in you, Hawkeye.
306
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:18,238
Not surprised,
but disappointed.
307
00:17:23,544 --> 00:17:25,512
Come on, Radar.
Let's call it a night.
308
00:17:25,546 --> 00:17:28,649
♪♪♪
309
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:36,256
It's the end of the trail
for you tomorrow, Radar,
310
00:17:36,289 --> 00:17:38,592
'cause I'm putting an end
to all this foolishness.
311
00:17:38,625 --> 00:17:40,393
I know how to find out
who's behind all this,
312
00:17:40,426 --> 00:17:41,828
and then it's everybody
off my back!
313
00:17:44,865 --> 00:17:47,433
Getting so a man can't talk
to his own shrub around here.
314
00:17:55,642 --> 00:17:57,844
Aw, come on, Henry.
Now what do ya got to lose?
315
00:17:57,878 --> 00:18:00,547
Listen, if we can catch
the person that did this,
316
00:18:00,581 --> 00:18:01,848
you're liable to
get a promotion.
317
00:18:01,882 --> 00:18:03,817
‐Aww, c‐‐
‐Or better yet, a transfer.
318
00:18:03,850 --> 00:18:06,720
A transfer?
Well, what do I have to do?
319
00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:07,721
This is just between
the two of us.
320
00:18:07,754 --> 00:18:09,155
Yeah, yeah.
321
00:18:09,189 --> 00:18:10,624
All right, now,
listen carefully!
322
00:18:10,657 --> 00:18:12,659
Tomorrow morning,
the supply chopper
323
00:18:12,693 --> 00:18:14,460
is coming in here with
the necessary equipment
324
00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:15,629
for me to lift
the fingerprints
325
00:18:15,662 --> 00:18:16,630
off the stolen articles!
326
00:18:16,663 --> 00:18:17,764
HENRY: Uh‐huh.
327
00:18:17,798 --> 00:18:19,465
HAWKEYE:
Give me those articles
328
00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:21,367
for one hour
and we'll have our thief!
329
00:18:21,401 --> 00:18:24,738
Pierce, that stuff is
safely locked in my desk.
330
00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:26,372
What?
331
00:18:26,406 --> 00:18:28,174
That stuff is safely
locked in my desk,
332
00:18:28,208 --> 00:18:29,610
and that's where
it's gonna stay.
333
00:18:29,643 --> 00:18:31,244
Okay, Henry.
If that's the way you want it.
334
00:18:31,277 --> 00:18:33,246
‐That's the way I want it.
‐And thanks.
335
00:18:33,279 --> 00:18:36,216
Yeah, you're welcome.
336
00:18:36,249 --> 00:18:40,420
Why me? Why me?
337
00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:43,557
♪♪♪
338
00:19:01,942 --> 00:19:05,411
♪♪♪
339
00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:21,728
Attention,
the following personnel
340
00:19:21,762 --> 00:19:23,930
report immediately
to the mess tent.
341
00:19:23,964 --> 00:19:25,799
Lieutenant Colonel
Henry Blake,
342
00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:27,801
Lieutenant Leslie Scorch,
343
00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:31,471
Trapper John McIntyre,
Major Frank Burns,
344
00:19:31,505 --> 00:19:33,339
Major Margaret Houlihan,
345
00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:35,475
Captain Spearchucker Jones,
346
00:19:35,509 --> 00:19:37,578
Lieutenant
Barbara Bannerman,
347
00:19:37,611 --> 00:19:39,345
Corporal Radar O'Reilly.
348
00:19:45,519 --> 00:19:46,620
What is it?
An air raid?
349
00:19:46,653 --> 00:19:48,955
I don't know. Who knows.
350
00:19:48,989 --> 00:19:51,324
What is the meaning of this?
351
00:19:51,357 --> 00:19:52,959
Who called this meeting?
352
00:19:52,993 --> 00:19:54,961
Now, look, I am
the commanding officer
353
00:19:54,995 --> 00:19:57,798
and I'm the only one
authorized to call meetings.
354
00:19:59,533 --> 00:20:01,835
Good evening.
355
00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:02,936
Thank you all for coming.
356
00:20:06,372 --> 00:20:07,708
I trust you'll forgive me
for disturbing you
357
00:20:07,741 --> 00:20:09,510
at this late hour,
but the time has come
358
00:20:09,543 --> 00:20:11,978
to unmask
the guilty party,
359
00:20:12,012 --> 00:20:15,448
the perpetrator of this
bad practical joke.
360
00:20:15,481 --> 00:20:17,350
We know who
the guilty party is.
361
00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:18,652
Why do you let‐‐
362
00:20:18,685 --> 00:20:20,854
Contain yourself,
Dr. Burns.
363
00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:22,956
Remember the old adage‐‐
364
00:20:22,989 --> 00:20:25,425
"Methinks he doth
protest too much."
365
00:20:25,458 --> 00:20:26,693
Who does he think he is?
366
00:20:26,727 --> 00:20:29,029
"The Thin Man"?
367
00:20:29,062 --> 00:20:30,997
You dislike me enough
to wish me transferred
368
00:20:31,031 --> 00:20:33,299
to another base.
369
00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:36,703
Preferably
an enemy base.
370
00:20:36,737 --> 00:20:39,272
But let us not forget
Major Houlihan.
371
00:20:39,305 --> 00:20:43,510
Tough, ambitious,
yet greasy, Major Houlihan.
372
00:20:43,544 --> 00:20:44,845
Why think of one culprit?
373
00:20:44,878 --> 00:20:47,447
Why not a pair of
sweethearts in crime?
374
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:50,350
‐You are sick.
‐Still...
375
00:20:50,383 --> 00:20:52,485
Another colleague
resents me because of his
376
00:20:52,519 --> 00:20:55,288
consistent losses
at the gaming tables.
377
00:20:55,321 --> 00:20:57,057
The man's a fruitcake!
378
00:20:57,090 --> 00:21:02,328
Yet you, Lieutenant,
also had a motive of jealousy,
379
00:21:02,362 --> 00:21:05,832
because I share my affections
among the ladies.
380
00:21:05,866 --> 00:21:07,734
You told me
I was the only one that‐‐
381
00:21:07,768 --> 00:21:12,606
Ha! Of course, my legendary
prowess with the fairer sex
382
00:21:12,639 --> 00:21:15,676
was cause for envy
on the part of...
383
00:21:15,709 --> 00:21:17,778
‐Dr. McIntyre.
‐Legendary?
384
00:21:17,811 --> 00:21:20,847
I've seen you strike out
in a geisha house.
385
00:21:20,881 --> 00:21:23,750
Still we must remember that
the thefts were committed
386
00:21:23,784 --> 00:21:25,886
in several places,
387
00:21:25,919 --> 00:21:28,522
indicating that
the thief had access
388
00:21:28,555 --> 00:21:30,490
to the various tents,
389
00:21:30,524 --> 00:21:33,727
and was perhaps short
enough to go unnoticed.
390
00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:35,862
There is only one man
here short enough
391
00:21:35,896 --> 00:21:37,664
to bathe
in his own helmet.
392
00:21:37,698 --> 00:21:39,766
Right, Radar?
393
00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:42,569
Me?
I'm not short.
394
00:21:45,506 --> 00:21:47,641
Let us not overlook
the possibility
395
00:21:47,674 --> 00:21:49,643
of a mastermind
who commands others
396
00:21:49,676 --> 00:21:51,512
to do his bidding,
right, Henry?
397
00:21:51,545 --> 00:21:53,346
Uh, sign what, Radar?
398
00:21:53,379 --> 00:21:55,716
I'm sorry, Pierce.
I think it's going very well.
399
00:21:55,749 --> 00:21:57,718
A most perplexing riddle,
400
00:21:57,751 --> 00:22:03,624
calling for the most
ingenious of solutions.
401
00:22:03,657 --> 00:22:05,892
Thus I made it publicly known
that there were fingerprints
402
00:22:05,926 --> 00:22:09,062
to be found on
the stolen articles,
403
00:22:09,095 --> 00:22:12,766
thereby tempting the criminal
to repeat his crime
404
00:22:12,799 --> 00:22:15,536
and retrieve
his ill‐gotten booty,
405
00:22:15,569 --> 00:22:18,004
or his "ill‐booten gotty."
406
00:22:18,038 --> 00:22:20,941
Which he has done.
407
00:22:20,974 --> 00:22:25,078
However, in so doing,
he has exposed himself.
408
00:22:27,514 --> 00:22:30,050
Because I took the
precaution of treating
409
00:22:30,083 --> 00:22:33,787
the stolen articles with
hydrochloric‐alpha‐terracin.
410
00:22:33,820 --> 00:22:37,123
What's
hydrochloric‐alpha‐terracin?
411
00:22:37,157 --> 00:22:40,493
A chemical which is
at this moment...
412
00:22:40,527 --> 00:22:43,463
coloring the culprit's
fingernails...
413
00:22:43,496 --> 00:22:44,631
blue.
414
00:22:58,712 --> 00:23:00,180
Look, no blue.
415
00:23:00,213 --> 00:23:01,181
Yeah, I know.
There couldn't be.
416
00:23:01,214 --> 00:23:02,983
I was bluffing.
417
00:23:11,024 --> 00:23:12,759
Why, Ho‐Jon?
418
00:23:12,793 --> 00:23:15,529
What did you need
those things for?
419
00:23:15,562 --> 00:23:17,130
For money.
420
00:23:17,163 --> 00:23:21,001
To bring my mother and sister
from our village up north.
421
00:23:21,034 --> 00:23:22,736
To bribe
the border guards.
422
00:23:25,471 --> 00:23:28,642
I‐I didn't think anyone would
miss their bits and pieces.
423
00:23:28,675 --> 00:23:29,710
You're all so rich.
424
00:23:32,613 --> 00:23:35,682
And your footlocker was the
safest place to hide things.
425
00:23:35,716 --> 00:23:37,183
Why didn't you just
come and ask us?
426
00:23:37,217 --> 00:23:39,586
‐Yeah.
‐Well, I didn't think
427
00:23:39,620 --> 00:23:41,054
you'd give me bribe money.
428
00:23:41,087 --> 00:23:42,823
Bribery is dishonest.
429
00:23:42,856 --> 00:23:46,793
Look, Ho‐Jon,
if it'll help at all,
430
00:23:46,827 --> 00:23:49,696
you can just keep
the fishing reel.
431
00:23:49,730 --> 00:23:51,497
I've got other brushes.
432
00:23:51,532 --> 00:23:53,233
Oh, no.
You're all too good.
433
00:23:53,266 --> 00:23:56,236
‐I can't take your things.
‐You took them before.
434
00:23:56,269 --> 00:23:58,505
Okay.
435
00:24:00,541 --> 00:24:02,175
We really had to
twist his arm.
436
00:24:02,208 --> 00:24:04,077
Okay, now, that's settled.
437
00:24:04,110 --> 00:24:05,078
Now do you have enough
to stuff to bring
438
00:24:05,111 --> 00:24:06,212
your mother and sister here?
439
00:24:06,246 --> 00:24:08,615
Oh, yes, because
I have money, too.
440
00:24:08,649 --> 00:24:09,916
Yeah, well how much
money can you have?
441
00:24:09,950 --> 00:24:12,753
300 and almost ten dollars.
442
00:24:12,786 --> 00:24:14,120
Isn't that fantastic?
443
00:24:14,154 --> 00:24:16,089
This kid only makes
a couple of bucks a week,
444
00:24:16,122 --> 00:24:19,225
but he's been putting aside
his nickels and pennies...
445
00:24:19,259 --> 00:24:21,695
and stealing
my poker winnings.
446
00:24:21,728 --> 00:24:23,930
Oh, so I could bring
my other sister,
447
00:24:23,964 --> 00:24:25,532
and my baby brother...
448
00:24:25,566 --> 00:24:27,067
Forget it, Hawkeye.
There's too many.
449
00:24:27,100 --> 00:24:28,769
Bring 'em all.
That's fine.
450
00:24:28,802 --> 00:24:30,937
‐Come on.
‐I'll make you a martini.
451
00:24:30,971 --> 00:24:33,774
‐Let's make that...
‐I'm not short.
452
00:24:33,807 --> 00:24:37,243
Well, I'm not.
Well, I'm not short.
453
00:24:37,277 --> 00:24:38,745
My mother was a little short.
454
00:24:46,653 --> 00:24:48,822
That's fascinating.
455
00:24:48,855 --> 00:24:50,056
Oh, it is. It is.
456
00:24:50,090 --> 00:24:52,025
Oh, yes, yes,
very definitely.
457
00:24:52,058 --> 00:24:55,829
You see, it was after
he returned to the garden
458
00:24:55,862 --> 00:24:57,163
that he discovered that
three of his apostles
459
00:24:57,197 --> 00:24:58,031
were missing.
460
00:25:00,867 --> 00:25:02,936
Well, don't look at me.
I didn't take 'em.
461
00:25:08,008 --> 00:25:11,111
♪♪♪ (theme)
32885
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