All language subtitles for MASH.S01E09.Henry.Please.Come.Home.WEBRip.x264-ION10

♪♪♪ (theme)

Hawkeye: ♪ In some
secluded rendezvous ♪

♪ That overlooks the avenue ♪

‐Clamp.
‐Clamp.

♪ With someone sharing
a delightful chat ♪

♪ Of this and that ♪

♪ And cocktails for two ♪

Hawkeye, shut up, will you?

Yeah, shut up.

Thank you, music lovers.

‐Rib‐cutter.
‐Rib‐cutter.

How's it going?

We're ahead on points.

Spinal suture.

Suture.

The Lord helps
in one way or another.

That's catgut.

The wound was infected.

I assumed
you didn't want silk.

Lieutenant, you're not
here to assume.

Settle down, Frank.

Forget it. Carry on.

Yes, sir.
I'm... I'm working.

Working?

You could be arrested

for loitering in front
of an operating table.

Did you hear that,
Colonel?

Pipe down, Pierce.

Hello, you beautiful day.

Whoo! Hoo hoo!

Sometimes
you gotta throw back
some of the young ones.

Man, I‐‐ Uh,
how about a rub there?

Right there.

You boys look
a little tired.

Here's our gallant leader.

Henry was terrific
in there.

Wasn't he good
in there today?

‐Great, great.
‐Well, I must tell you guys

that was fancy cutting
in there.

Both:
Thank you, Henry.

Colonel!

‐Yes, Frank?
‐Colonel, I intend to file

insubordination charges
against Lieutenant
Ginger Bayliss.

Insubordination
on account of a suture?

You're kidding, Doctor.

And I use the term because
it always gets a laugh.

‐Sir?
‐Not now, Radar.

You just keep pushing around
the medical staff, Frank,

you see what happens.

Are you threatening
a superior, officer?

Now hold it! Frank, I'll be
in my office in an hour.

Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.

‐Radar: Uh, sir?
‐I'll talk Frank out of it,

but you lay off him,
all of you.

He's a good surgeon,
and we need him.

‐Colonel, sir‐‐
‐You know, Pierce,

one day he's gonna
throw the book at you,

and I won't be there
to help.

Sir, I have a message
from General Hammond.

Radar, don't interrupt,

unless it's a message
from General Hammond.

Yes, sir.

Are we surrendering?

Hey, listen to this.

"The 4077th has now achieved
a 90% efficiency rating,

"the best record of any medical
unit operating in Korea.

Congratulations on a fine
performance. General Hammond."

How do you like them apples?

You have another hit
on your hands.

There'll be dancing
in the street.

Man: A record unmatched

by any other medical
unit in Korea.

And, in recognition of
this splendid achievement,

it is now my personal pride

to award to Lieutenant
Colonel Henry Blake

the Special Citation
of Merit, 4th Class.

May I have the envelope, please?

Hey, look at Henry. He looks
like he's gonna have a baby.

Thank you, General.
Thank you.

Uh, well, this comes
as a complete surprise to me.

I don't know what to say.

I haven't prepared
an acceptance speech.

No man wins an award
like this on his own.

You people, you great
doctors, and...

you swell gals
who made this possible

are just too numerous
to mention,

but I'm mighty grateful
to all of you,

right down to my right hand,
Corporal Radar O'Reilly,

who incidentally is
in command of this unit

and just uses me as a front.

(laughing)

Standing here today,
proud as punch,

I... I think back to the time

when I first considered
a career in medicine,

back in Bloomington, Illinois.

Our family doctor,
a nice old codger

who drove a touring car
that had isinglass curtains,

uh, he said to me‐‐

Excuse me, Colonel.

"Excuse me, Colonel."

‐I have one more announcement.
‐I'm sorry.

There's a service charge
on the award.

Colonel Blake's experience
is needed elsewhere

for administrative
and training duties.

Now, he is being assigned
to Tokyo medical headquarters,

effective immediately.

Well, fine. And I'll,
uh, keep in touch
with you on that.

And I know you have to go
right over to OR.

‐Yeah. Goodbye.
‐Guys.

‐Henry, bon voyage.
‐Thank you.

Normally, I'd soak this
in a pail of water.

but, this being
my last day...

Actually, it's a prescription
for your health.

Have it filled in Tokyo.

Yeah, I'll do that.

We're going to miss you,
chief.

Your fighting spirit,
your little moods.

‐Your cheerful smile.
‐Your loyalty.

‐Oh, fiddle‐faddle.
‐Your gift for language.

Yeah, well, uh...

ahem, the, uh...

truth of the matter
is that, uh,

I'll miss you delinquents too.

Uh, you're the two
finest cutters

I've ever been
associated with.

Well, uh, Henry,
I guess this is it.

Yeah.

I don't know what to say.

Try "Thanks
for the memory."

Yeah.

Colonel, I‐‐

Oh, allow me, Major.

Don't want to hurt
those magic fingers.

What's this? Army Manual,

Thoughts Before the Battle,

1001 Jokes for
the Officers' Mess.

He's got everything here
but Clausewitz on Hernias.

‐Give me back my books.
‐Sorry.

Your books?
Hey, where's he goin'?

He's taking his things
into your house.

Well, uh, that's
Frank's quarters now.

‐Frank's quarter‐‐ Him?
‐He's our new boss?

Well, he's next
in command, you see.

Almost forgot your
equipment, sir.

Oh, thank you, Radar.

‐Is that it?
‐Yes, sir.

Thank you. Well,
I'll be movin' along, then.

Look, now, I know you guys
are gonna be very happy.

Now, look,
you're all surgeons,

and this is gonna
work out fine.

Why don't you just go over
and make Frank feel at home?

Sir, it's been a privilege
serving under you.

I hope we see each other
real soon.

Yes, Radar.
Well, I... I was, uh...

Uh... (muttering)

Crazy monkey.

Move out, son.

‐Let's get outta here.
‐Ahem!

Oh, sir,
here's the three copies

of the mess requisition forms
that you wanted for next week

and also six copies

of the supply room
application forms.

‐Put them on
the desk, Corporal.
‐Yes, sir.

‐Good night, sir.
‐O'Reilly.

Where are you going?
We have work to do.

Sir, it's 2:00
in the morning.

You're not going to bed

until this office
is 100% shipshape.

Aye aye, sir.

O'Reilly, I assure you,
all the goldbricking

that went on around here
under Colonel Blake

is going to stop
under my command.

Life is going
to be a different
kettle of fish.

Are you in the right
branch of the service, sir?

Don't be snotty.
Bring me the, uh‐‐

‐Fitness reports.
‐Not the fitness reports.

You can't anticipate
what I'm thinking.

I'm not Henry Blake.

‐Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir.
‐I want‐‐

‐The efficiency reports.
‐...the efficiency reports.

Here's tomorrow's routine.
See that it's posted.

They're not gonna like this.

I didn't come here
to be liked.

You certainly came
to the right place.

♪♪♪ (Reveille)

Ahem.

(clatter)

I could swear I heard a bugle.

♪♪♪ (continues)

It is a bugle.

Hey. I think
we're in the army.

Ahem. Reveille
has blown, sirs!

All right.
Let's look ali‐‐

...ho. Everybody!

Hey ho, ha ho, ha ho,
all together.

(continues)

(chatter)

Hawkeye. Hawkeye,
it's an emergency.

Major Burns is making
a surprise inspection.

‐An inspection?
‐Yeah.

‐What's "inspection"?
‐That, gentlemen,

is somethin'
they do in the army.

‐What's that got
to do with us?
‐Yeah.

He's coming,
with an aide and an MP.

We're ready.

If he wants to inspect
a garbage dump,

‐that's up to him.
‐Yeah.

Ten hut!

Morning, gentlemen. At ease.

The condition of this tent
is a disgrace.

Yeah, well, it does have
that lived‐in look.

‐Mm‐hmm.
‐Actually, it's modeled

on the Chicago sewer system.
We saw it in a magazine.

Look at all of you.
Unshaven, out of uniform.

Yes, but with a song
in our hearts.

Sergeant, put these
men on report.

Beds unmade, personal
effects in disorder,

furnishings in
non‐regulation condition.

Hear, hear!

While I'm commanding officer,

you are not going to operate
a distillery on this base.

Sergeant, get
that still outta here.

Hold it! Nobody takes
our gin machine.

Take it out of here!
That's an order!

You watch it, buddy.
This thing could go off.

He's got the drop on us, Tex.
We can't do a thing.

Now maybe you'll realize
who's running this outfit.

You straighten up
and fly right,

or I promise you,
there'll be hell to pay.

Ahem.

He actually
took our still.

He's not a nice person.

Gentlemen, that man
has got to go.

It's either him or us.
And that's final.

How are we gonna
do it? Shoot him?

‐Stab him.
‐Poison him.

No, no, we gotta
think this over.

We have to give it careful,

considered,
intelligent thought.

‐Okay.
‐Then we'll shoot him,

stab him, or poison him.

All right, look,
it's very simple.

We just have
to figure out a plan

for the destruction
of one of our colleagues:

Major Frank Burns,
U. S. Army surgeon and rat.

‐Yeah.
‐Any ideas?

Well, we could, uh, get
hold of some orders,

forge the general's
signature,

and send him
back to the States.

That's no good. They'd
send him right back here.

It'd work for a while.

Hey, Hawk, how do you
feel about arsenic?

Let's try to avoid the more
obvious clichés, all right?

I think we need
something really basic.

Why don't we push him
in front of a chopper

with the blades going?

‐That's basic enough.
‐Yeah.

We haven't had a good
decapitation in a long time.

It's crude, very crude,
but I like it.

It's interesting.

Let's table the beheading
for the time being.

What else you got?

‐Hey, look.
‐Yeah, what?

‐Tell him he's
got a hot appendix.
‐Yeah.

‐Get him on the table.
‐Yeah.

‐I'll give him anesthesia.
‐Yeah.

And, uh, and that's it.

That's it?

You're not a very creative,
person, Ugly John.

‐Never claimed to be.
‐I have a question.

What?
Radar's got a question.

After we get rid of
Major Burns, then what?

Hey, that's an important
point, you know that?

Yeah. You know, they
could send out a surgeon

who's even more
gung ho than Frank.

Might be he won't
even be a surgeon.

Could be
some dermatologist

with pull
in the War Department.

All right,
so what's the answer?

I don't know.
What is the answer?

You know what
the answer is? Henry.

‐All: Henry?
‐Henry. Certainly. Look,

When were all of us
really happy here?

When the nurses
were new?

We were happy
when Henry was in command.

He understood us,
we understood him.

Sure. He was one of us.

You'd insult a man
behind his back?

We had a mature,
grown‐up relationship.

‐We had him by the throat.
‐That's right.

So why would Henry let himself
be transferred back here?

‐Ego.
‐Ego?

Ego. The basic desire
we all have to be needed.

Look, I got an idea,

but I'll need a couple
of passes to Tokyo.

Okay, let's see what we got.

Hardship leave,
sister pregnant...

You don't see many
of those anymore.

Radar:
Transfer to Germany...

Hey, you got a bacon,
lettuce and tomato on rye,

hold the mayo?

Very funny.

Two passes to Tokyo.

Should've looked under T
in the first place.

Gentlemen, with these,

I promise you
peace in our time.

Fantastic. Cho‐Cho, you are
one of the great soap artists.

Thank you, Colonel‐san.

You people really have
some fun‐type customs.

Mind if we swim through?

I thought
you guys had drowned.

No. Just resting
on the bottom.

Yeah, that's
what we're all doing:

resting on the bottom.

There's that fabulous
sense of humor again.

Henry, we've really missed it.

Yeah. Hey,
how are things going
back at the ranch?

Well,
kinda slow right now.

Yeah. That's why we
forged a couple of passes.

You know, Frank's
signature is almost

as easy to copy as yours.

Hmm.

Well, you certainly seem
to be suffering here, Henry.

But I give my three
lectures a week,

and then my time is my own.

I don't exactly sit around
my room playing the kazoo.

Pleasures of the flesh,
Henry.

And after all, Henry,
you deserve all this.

I mean, you built
a great surgical unit.

No matter what Frank Burns
is doing to it.

Yeah. Who cares
if morale is down to zero

and that everybody's
beginning

to hate each other?

Who cares about the 90%
efficiency rating

now down to 32?

Well, that's war.

Oh, by George,
that feels good.

I tell you, this little lady's
got golden feet.

Honey, hit that
scapula real hard.

I've got some calcium
deposits back there.

Atta girl. Ah.

Will you stop groaning
a minute and listen?

I have been listening,

and you still
don't make sense.

I'm not going
back to that rat hole.

What about the
people you left back
in that rat hole, huh?

Yeah, your friends,
the people who love you.

Aw, come on, man.
All the time I was up there,

I slept with a loaded gun
under my pillow.

I'd have been safer
in North Korea.

Henry, have you ever given
one single thought to Leslie?

Oh. Mm. Honey, take it easy
on the pelvic girdle.

I've only got one
of those, you know.

You know, since you're gone,
Leslie is a basket case.

Okay. She'll get over it.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll send her an obi coat

or one of those
hand‐painted fans.

Oh, come on, Henry, are you
trying to buy your way

‐out of that relationship?
‐Yeah.

Okay, I'll send her
a Dear Jane letter, all right?

But I stay here.

♪♪♪ (guitar)

♪ If I knew you were coming,
I'd have baked a cake ♪

♪ Baked a cake, baked a cake ♪

♪ If I knew you were coming,
I'd have baked a cake ♪

♪ How d'you do, how d'you do,
how d'you do? ♪

♪ Had you dropped me a letter,
I'd have hired a band ♪

Mama‐san, these kids
have real talent.
They're terrific.

How about another
blast of that sake?

‐Okay.
‐♪ ...for you ♪

♪ Now, I don't know
where you came from ♪

♪ 'cause I don't know
where you've been ♪

♪ But it really doesn't
matter, grab a chair
and fill your platter ♪

♪ And dig, dig, dig right in ♪

Henry, how can we
change your mind?

You can't. Now look,

We came here
to have a good time,

so let's have it.
That's an order.

‐(phone rings)
‐Hey, try the octopus.
It's terrific.

No, I think I'll stick
with the seaweed sandwich.

Okay. You speak, me speak.

‐"You speak, me‐‐"
‐Who?

I'll get it.
Let me have that, Mama.

Hello, there.
Colonel Blake speaking.

Leslie!

Right on time.

How are you?

Um, I'm okay.

Except for missing
a certain lieutenant colonel

who shall be nameless.

And you?

Oh, fine, fine. Working
very hard, of course.

Uh, Henry,

uh, is Hawkeye with you?
He said he might be.

Yeah, sure.

‐Pierce.
‐Hmm?

‐Leslie.
‐For me?

‐Yeah.
‐Must be trouble.

(humming)

Yeah, Leslie,
what's happening?

Hi. Just a minute.

Hi. This is the call
you wanted, right?

Where I got one foot
in the grave

‐and the other one
on a banana peel.
‐Oh, yeah?

Listen, I hope
I don't have to come up

with any fake symptoms.
I got a weak stomach.

‐The white count's up, huh?
‐We had SOS again for lunch.

All right. Yeah,
he can't hold food down.

Just missed the 4:00 barf.

Yeah, look, tell Spearchucker
to get some blood chemistries

and start him on IVs.
We'll be right there.

Yeah, okay.

Get your shoes on.
We gotta go back.

‐Got a tough case, Henry.
‐Huh?

‐Diagnostic problem.
‐Uh‐huh.

Abdominal pain,
elevated white count.
I can't nail it down.

‐His white count's up?
‐Yeah, it's bad.

That's all right.
Radar's strong.

You dummy. Can't you
keep your mouth shut?

Radar?

‐Sorry, Hawk.
‐You're sorry now.

Hey, wait a minute.
You talking about Radar?

I didn't want
to tell you.

I know how much
he means to you.

You didn't want
to tell me what?

Well, about a week ago,
he developed symptoms‐‐

abdominal cramps,
chills, high fever.

Listen, Henry, if it goes bad,
could you write the letter?

You're about his only
real friend in Korea.

Yeah, you know,
nothing elaborate.
Keep it simple.

He comes from
those kind of people.

We'll give you a report
when we know something.

Hey, wait a minute.

You think
I'm gonna sit around
in a place like this

and wait for that kid
to cash in?

I was the best diagnostician
in Bloomington.

Hey, we're gettin'
out of here.

One of you
call the airport.

Reserve a chopper.
Use my name.

Priority 1.
I'll get my shoes.
Let's move!

Okay. We go PX now,
big boy?

Maybe later, Mama. Sayonara.

‐The chopper's just landed.
‐I know.

‐Come on. Lay down.
‐Okay, okay.

You know what to do.

You got to lay it
on him now, okay?

‐Okay.
‐Lay down.

How's he doin'?

‐Hi, fella.
‐(Radar grunts)

Is that you, Mom?

It's your colonel, son.
Now just relax.

Where do you hurt?

My gut.

Well, let's have a look.

(groaning)

We're gonna get you well,
Radar.

‐That hurt?
‐Ohh!

‐That?
‐Ow!

Ohh! Ooh!

Whatever he's got,
it's spreading.

Colonel Blake. I just heard
you were here, sir, and I‐‐

‐What's that man
doing in bed?
‐He's sick.

Sick? I saw him eat a quart
of ice cream at lunch.

I was so sick, I didn't
know what I was doin'.

That's okay, son. Just relax.

He's got to be goldbricking.

We've had a lot of that lately.

Out of bed,
back to the office,

and finish filling out
those reports.

Man's inhumanity
to man again.

Frank, I'm examining
this patient.

Oh, sorry, Henry,
not until you sign

a Transient Medic form.

Do me a favor. Stuff it.

And I'll need your initials

on Visiting Physician
in a Combat Zone.

Stuff that too.

Okay, prep this man for OR.

‐What?
‐I'm gonna do
an exploratory on him.

‐Operate on him?
‐Operate on him?

Henry, listen. Let's do
some more studies‐‐

enzymes, abdominal
X‐rays, the works.

Find out where we're going.

‐I agree with Frank.
‐Yeah, yeah.

I think we should
test him.

Yeah. For a week or so,
maybe longer.

Look, this kid's got severe
abdominal pain with rigidity.

Now, it could be
a perforated ulcer.

I'm going in.
Who wants to assist?

Henry, I think you better
slow down, huh?

Look, I'll know
the story five minutes
after I open him up.

‐He's gonna open me.
‐You'll be fine, son.

Let's get on the stick.
I'm gonna scrub up.

‐Henry, look‐‐
‐Henry, I'm in command here,

and nobody does an
exploratory without my okay.

I'll explore
anybody I want to.

You back off. This happens
to be my responsibility.

Stay out of my way,
Frank, or I'll have you
busted down to male nurse.

‐Come on, fellas.
‐This is my outfit.

‐I make the decisions.
‐Your outfit?

I built this outfit
with my own hands.

When we first came
over that hill,

we didn't even have a bedpan.

There's not going
to be any operation.

If you don't like it,
call General Hammond.

I might just do that.

Want me to get General
Hammond for you, sir?

Yeah. Do that.

(muttering)

See if Ugly John is available.

Even if he isn't,
pull him away

from whatever
or whoever he's doing,

and tell him that I've got...

Ohh.

The pain.

Look at that.

He was goldbricking.
I told you so. (giggling)

Radar, are you sick?

Well, I feel a lot
better than I did.

‐Now I don't feel so good.
‐Let's get some air.

Hold it. Nobody move.
Now, what is going on here?

Pierce, McIntyre, Jones.
Somebody talk to me.

Okay. Attila the Hun
was pushing us around,
playing soldier,

so we tried to get you
back in the front office.

By making Radar
fake an illness?

Yeah, well, it was intended
to make you feel needed.

It's all very psychiatric.

The word is "crazy."

I'll get the MPs.

Then you can try being
psychiatric in the stockade.

Oh, fine.
Then after we're gone,

you can roller skate
from table to table

and do all the surgery
by yourself.

He's right.
Put the phone down.

Henry, as commanding
officer, I‐‐

Correction: you were
the commanding officer.

I'm taking over as of now.

‐Hey!
‐Welcome back, Henry.

I'll fix it
with General Hammond.

This is outrageous.

Frank...

If I were you,
I'd quit the army.

Welcome home, Henry.

What am I gonna do
for massages around here?

Oh, I'll be glad
to walk all over you.

I'm sure you will.

‐Hawkeye: Okay, okay.
‐Isn't your turn.

Dealer has 20.
I'll pay 21.

‐I didn't have a card.
‐I got 20.
‐I'm busted.

I need a card, too,
you know?

‐Hey, pull up a chair, Henry.
‐Ten hut.

"Ten hut" from Henry?

You better
knock it off, Hawkeye.

I just never heard him
say that before.

You'd better get
used to it, Pierce.

I'm back in command now.

You toe the line, all of you.

And no more horsing around.
Understood?

‐Yes, sir.
‐Good, good.

Now you know where you stand.
Any questions?

Yes, sir.

What is it, man? Speak up.

Can I buy you a drink,
big boy‐san?

Look, I just got through‐‐

Well, maybe a little one.

(chatter)

♪♪♪ (theme)