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1
00:00:03,670 --> 00:00:05,572
(helicopters whirling)
2
00:00:05,606 --> 00:00:07,508
♪♪♪ (theme)
3
00:00:50,851 --> 00:00:52,318
Hey, give me more of
those sponges, will you?
4
00:00:52,352 --> 00:00:54,621
NURSE:
Got 'em. Here you go.
5
00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:56,657
(collective chatter)
6
00:01:00,661 --> 00:01:02,428
I need a sponge
without a stick.
7
00:01:02,462 --> 00:01:04,264
(collective chatter)
8
00:01:12,372 --> 00:01:16,843
Mmm.
9
00:01:16,877 --> 00:01:18,845
What, did you send out to
the enemy for that sandwich?
10
00:01:24,350 --> 00:01:25,586
NURSE:
McIntyre.
11
00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:29,656
‐McIntyre!
‐Hmm.
12
00:01:29,690 --> 00:01:32,593
(collective chatter)
13
00:01:39,633 --> 00:01:42,235
(suctioning)
14
00:01:54,314 --> 00:01:55,749
What a session.
15
00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:58,484
‐Is it Tuesday or Wednesday?
‐It's Friday.
16
00:01:58,519 --> 00:02:00,486
Well, somebody
owes us a Thursday.
17
00:02:00,521 --> 00:02:01,822
Either that
or two Wednesdays.
18
00:02:05,358 --> 00:02:06,860
(exhales)
19
00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:19,873
What's that I smell?
20
00:02:19,906 --> 00:02:23,443
Fresh air... if memory serves.
21
00:02:23,476 --> 00:02:25,912
Hey, Radar, what does
your ear tell you?
22
00:02:25,946 --> 00:02:28,181
More choppers, ambulances?
23
00:02:28,214 --> 00:02:30,751
The deluge is over.
The enemy's pulled back,
24
00:02:30,784 --> 00:02:32,753
and it's gonna take 'em
at least a week to regroup.
25
00:02:32,786 --> 00:02:36,690
‐You can hear all that?
‐I read the report on
the colonel's desk.
26
00:02:36,723 --> 00:02:38,525
Hey!
27
00:02:40,594 --> 00:02:41,828
Come on.
Let's get something to eat.
28
00:02:41,862 --> 00:02:43,730
Right after we get
something to drink.
29
00:02:43,764 --> 00:02:45,899
Is that all you ever think
about? Drinking?
30
00:02:45,932 --> 00:02:49,302
I don't mind eating
if it's possible to make
a martini sandwich.
31
00:02:49,335 --> 00:02:51,638
Listen, after having sandwiches
stuffed in my ears for three
days,
32
00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:53,940
I want some steak
and potatoes.
33
00:02:53,974 --> 00:02:56,810
On an empty stomach?
Be sensible.
34
00:02:56,843 --> 00:02:59,279
We have to have a martini first.
35
00:02:59,312 --> 00:03:01,281
Just one.
36
00:03:01,314 --> 00:03:04,250
‐One big one.
‐How big?
37
00:03:04,284 --> 00:03:06,953
‐Picture a basketball
as the olive.
‐Okay.
38
00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:14,427
Boy, have I been looking
forward to this.
39
00:03:14,460 --> 00:03:16,262
Darling, we're about
to make each other
very happy.
40
00:03:18,264 --> 00:03:19,766
It's dry!
41
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,535
Well, you can't make 'em
dry enough for me.
42
00:03:21,568 --> 00:03:23,870
I mean, the still is dry,
you knucklehead!
43
00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:25,772
You didn't put
the fixings in last night!
44
00:03:25,806 --> 00:03:29,610
‐Well, I wasn't here last night!
‐That's no excuse!
45
00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:31,778
I mean, it is,
but it isn't.
46
00:03:31,812 --> 00:03:34,014
You know what this means?
47
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:35,882
No martinis!
48
00:03:35,916 --> 00:03:37,551
Well, you should have
enough martinis
49
00:03:37,584 --> 00:03:40,486
stored in your hump
to last you seven days!
50
00:03:40,521 --> 00:03:42,422
And don't call me
"knucklehead!"
51
00:03:46,026 --> 00:03:47,393
(canister clanging)
52
00:03:51,431 --> 00:03:53,600
Hey, what is this?
What's happening to us?
53
00:03:53,634 --> 00:03:54,968
Our first fight.
54
00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:58,539
We're always
on the same side.
55
00:03:58,572 --> 00:04:00,741
Yeah.
Us against them.
56
00:04:00,774 --> 00:04:03,009
Whoever the "them,"
we were always "us."
57
00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:07,380
You know...
58
00:04:07,413 --> 00:04:09,315
if I was to analyze
your symptoms...
59
00:04:09,349 --> 00:04:11,918
Yeah?
60
00:04:11,952 --> 00:04:14,921
‐I would say stress.
‐Yeah, yeah.
61
00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:17,490
‐Irritability from overwork.
‐That's what I got.
62
00:04:17,524 --> 00:04:18,792
And do you know what
I would prescribe?
63
00:04:18,825 --> 00:04:20,293
Two days' rest and recreation
64
00:04:20,326 --> 00:04:21,928
at the R&R Center
in Tokyo.
65
00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:23,664
Actually, I was thinking
about three days.
66
00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:24,998
Well, you're the doctor.
67
00:04:25,031 --> 00:04:26,432
Shall we visit our
friendly travel agent?
68
00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:30,837
Here you go, sir.
69
00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:33,607
Oh, gonna do a little outdoor
surgery, huh, Henry?
70
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:35,375
Nothing wrong with
a little relaxation.
71
00:04:35,408 --> 00:04:36,877
Precisely.
Before you go,
72
00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:38,712
we want you to arrange
for a few days for us
73
00:04:38,745 --> 00:04:40,947
‐at the R&R Center.
‐Right.
74
00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:42,048
I'm late now, guys.
75
00:04:42,082 --> 00:04:43,550
‐Okay, Radar.
‐Yes, sir.
76
00:04:43,584 --> 00:04:44,751
‐Now, wait a minute, Henry.
‐Henry.
77
00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:47,053
Hey, Henry!
If you don't let us go,
78
00:04:47,087 --> 00:04:48,989
they'll take us out
of here in a rubber truck!
79
00:04:49,022 --> 00:04:50,791
If you are leaving,
that means Frank Burns
is in charge.
80
00:04:50,824 --> 00:04:52,458
And he'll never
let us out.
81
00:04:52,492 --> 00:04:54,828
Every time you go,
he turns into instant Hitler.
82
00:04:54,861 --> 00:04:57,063
‐Thank you, Radar.
‐No trouble.
83
00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:58,899
You'll just have
to work it out.
84
00:04:58,932 --> 00:05:01,802
If I don't get away
from this place for awhile,
85
00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:04,437
I'm gonna start picking flowers
off the wallpaper.
86
00:05:04,470 --> 00:05:07,007
‐Let go.
‐I had a dream last night
that I was asleep,
87
00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:08,709
and I dreamt it
while I was awake!
88
00:05:08,742 --> 00:05:10,611
Are you nuts?
Move out.
89
00:05:15,015 --> 00:05:16,382
Were you acting?
90
00:05:18,484 --> 00:05:19,886
You ain't seen
nothin' yet.
91
00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:30,697
Lieutenant, check the patient
in bed number five, huh?
92
00:05:30,731 --> 00:05:32,933
I let him write a letter
to his mother,
93
00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:34,668
but it may have been
too much for him,
94
00:05:34,701 --> 00:05:36,837
because I don't like
the way he's breathing.
95
00:05:36,870 --> 00:05:38,739
‐Hmm?
‐Yes, Doctor.
96
00:06:04,497 --> 00:06:06,600
Hawkeye, could I
have a word with you?
97
00:06:06,633 --> 00:06:08,769
If it's the one
I wanna hear.
98
00:06:08,802 --> 00:06:10,571
Listen, maybe
I've been unfair.
99
00:06:10,604 --> 00:06:13,473
I mean, you've asked me out
so many times and...
100
00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:15,475
Well, I'm not
on duty tonight,
101
00:06:15,509 --> 00:06:17,410
so, well, I was wondering...
102
00:06:17,443 --> 00:06:18,579
You can stop
wondering.
103
00:06:18,612 --> 00:06:19,780
You're about
to face reality.
104
00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:24,918
Wait a minute.
What did you have in mind?
105
00:06:24,951 --> 00:06:26,486
Well, whatever
you have in mind.
106
00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:28,989
What?
107
00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:30,156
Lieutenant, if
I didn't know you better,
108
00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:32,425
‐I'd be hurt.
‐But, Hawkeye...
109
00:06:32,458 --> 00:06:33,827
I know what you want.
110
00:06:33,860 --> 00:06:35,195
What they all want.
111
00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:37,430
You think just because
a guy smiles at you,
112
00:06:37,463 --> 00:06:38,599
and lets you get in front
of him in chow line,
113
00:06:38,632 --> 00:06:40,000
he's a pushover.
114
00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:41,768
Well, let me tell you
something, Lieutenant!
115
00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:43,970
Forget it!
116
00:06:44,004 --> 00:06:46,072
I'm not that kind
of a boy.
117
00:06:55,549 --> 00:06:57,017
I'm worried about Hawkeye.
118
00:06:57,050 --> 00:06:58,585
Well, I wouldn't be.
119
00:06:58,619 --> 00:06:59,720
He does very well
looking after himself.
120
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:00,887
Very well.
121
00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:02,556
That's exactly the point.
122
00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:03,824
He's not himself.
123
00:07:03,857 --> 00:07:05,559
What does that mean?
124
00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:08,094
He seems to be losing
touch with reality.
125
00:07:08,128 --> 00:07:09,730
(chuckling)
126
00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:11,898
I think the last person
we have to worry about
127
00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:14,835
‐is Hawkeye Pierce.
‐I second that.
128
00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:16,503
(laughing)
129
00:07:16,537 --> 00:07:18,004
(humming)
130
00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:21,041
(humming)
131
00:07:29,750 --> 00:07:31,484
Were you just in surgery?
132
00:07:31,518 --> 00:07:33,787
(humming)
133
00:07:33,820 --> 00:07:35,221
I'd rather not say.
134
00:07:35,255 --> 00:07:37,190
(humming)
135
00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:43,530
(humming)
136
00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:53,173
(humming)
137
00:07:55,942 --> 00:07:58,512
All right, what's all
that funny business there?
138
00:07:58,545 --> 00:08:01,615
There's nothing funny
here to me, Frank.
139
00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:03,517
I happen to be
very serious
140
00:08:03,550 --> 00:08:05,619
about this delicious
piece of liver.
141
00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:08,555
(humming)
142
00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:10,591
Liver?
Where did you get liver?
143
00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:11,825
They're serving hamburger.
144
00:08:13,794 --> 00:08:15,829
This is mine and
you can't have any.
145
00:08:15,862 --> 00:08:18,565
Okay, okay.
146
00:08:18,599 --> 00:08:20,734
But where did you
get it?
147
00:08:20,767 --> 00:08:22,569
From that North Korean.
148
00:08:23,704 --> 00:08:25,572
What North Korean? The‐‐
149
00:08:25,606 --> 00:08:26,907
You mean the one that...
150
00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:28,709
The one that croaked.
151
00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:33,614
You didn't.
152
00:08:33,647 --> 00:08:35,148
He was very clean.
153
00:08:36,617 --> 00:08:39,252
You must be loony!
154
00:08:39,285 --> 00:08:41,121
Oh, what is this?
155
00:08:41,154 --> 00:08:42,923
If you wanna join me
for breakfast,
156
00:08:42,956 --> 00:08:44,224
we can have
a stack of pancreas.
157
00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:54,801
You touched my plate!
158
00:08:54,835 --> 00:08:56,670
You're not sterile!
159
00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:59,072
You've ruined
my liver!
160
00:08:59,105 --> 00:09:00,607
Ruined it!
161
00:09:00,641 --> 00:09:02,242
And we're all out
of North Koreans!
162
00:09:03,777 --> 00:09:05,646
Stop him!
Stop him!
163
00:09:05,679 --> 00:09:08,248
(slapping face, gasping)
164
00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:09,650
I don't think
I needed that.
165
00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:16,623
Take him back to the Swamp
and give him the blue pill.
166
00:09:16,657 --> 00:09:17,691
Yes, sir.
167
00:09:20,661 --> 00:09:22,228
Don't touch me.
168
00:09:24,197 --> 00:09:25,932
Filthy liver thief.
169
00:09:30,036 --> 00:09:31,304
MCINTYRE:
Well, Frank?
170
00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:36,376
Um, I know we've
all been working
171
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:38,111
desperately hard,
172
00:09:38,144 --> 00:09:40,380
but Pierce has
always been a rock.
173
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:42,649
Let me take him to Tokyo
for some R&R
174
00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:45,719
before he cracks up
any further!
175
00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:48,789
Frank, I'm the only one
that can handle him.
176
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,726
I'll make the arrangements.
177
00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:54,861
You know Pierce was saying
only this morning
178
00:09:54,895 --> 00:09:56,897
what a‐‐
what a considerate,
179
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,599
intelligent
human being you are.
180
00:10:01,702 --> 00:10:04,104
He has flipped.
181
00:10:04,137 --> 00:10:07,373
♪♪♪
182
00:10:07,407 --> 00:10:09,810
I've made my decision.
183
00:10:09,843 --> 00:10:12,779
Why do I still feel so uneasy?
184
00:10:12,813 --> 00:10:15,682
Because we both know
what operators they are.
185
00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:19,085
How about this?
186
00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:21,855
I have a psychiatrist friend in
the 423rd Evac,
187
00:10:21,888 --> 00:10:24,791
Phil Sherman.
He's been crazy
about me for years.
188
00:10:24,825 --> 00:10:27,427
Crazy. Isn't that funny?
189
00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:30,797
I don't think anybody being
crazy about you is funny,
Margaret.
190
00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:32,866
Frank, you're jealous.
191
00:10:32,899 --> 00:10:36,837
Jealous? I envy anyone
that comes close to you.
192
00:10:36,870 --> 00:10:39,239
I envy the fly that walks
across your upper lip.
193
00:10:39,272 --> 00:10:41,207
I envy the cotton tips
you stick in your ears.
194
00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:44,845
Frank, the point is, Sherman's
a brilliant psychiatrist,
195
00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:47,881
and if anybody can spot
a phoney...
196
00:10:47,914 --> 00:10:49,249
Do you see what I'm getting at?
197
00:10:51,451 --> 00:10:56,156
♪ My blue heaven ♪
198
00:10:56,189 --> 00:10:58,191
In a few hours,
I'm gonna be in the arms
199
00:10:58,224 --> 00:10:59,726
of somebody I haven't
even met yet.
200
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:01,161
I'll drink to that.
201
00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:03,429
(humming)
202
00:11:03,463 --> 00:11:04,831
Uh, Hawkeye?
203
00:11:04,865 --> 00:11:07,433
(humming)
204
00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:09,970
"By order of
Major Frank Burns,
205
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:11,738
acting commanding
officer."
206
00:11:11,772 --> 00:11:12,739
Oh, yeah?
207
00:11:12,773 --> 00:11:14,808
[clears throat]
208
00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:17,778
"Captain B. F. Pierce
will make himself available
tomorrow morning
209
00:11:17,811 --> 00:11:22,482
for an examination by
Captain Philip G. Sherman‐‐
Sherman."
210
00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:25,485
What kind of an
examination?
211
00:11:25,519 --> 00:11:27,888
Psy‐chi‐atric.
212
00:11:27,921 --> 00:11:30,056
Psy‐chi‐atric?
213
00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:32,759
Well, you can just tell
your psy‐chi‐atrist
214
00:11:32,793 --> 00:11:34,094
that I'm not gonna
be here.
215
00:11:34,127 --> 00:11:35,361
Yeah, tell him
to start without him.
216
00:11:35,395 --> 00:11:37,698
We're gonna be
in a hotel in Tokyo.
217
00:11:40,967 --> 00:11:43,203
Oh, the bellhops are here.
218
00:11:43,236 --> 00:11:44,738
This is a nice room.
219
00:11:44,771 --> 00:11:47,040
Yeah, I, uh, I stay here
all the time.
220
00:11:47,073 --> 00:11:48,474
Well, thanks, fellas.
221
00:11:48,509 --> 00:11:50,110
Uh, I'll just slip into
something comfortable.
222
00:11:53,547 --> 00:11:55,081
I think they're waiting
for a tip.
223
00:11:58,084 --> 00:12:00,420
(typewriter clicking)
224
00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:02,122
This way, sir.
225
00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:03,824
Captain Sherman.
226
00:12:03,857 --> 00:12:06,226
‐Margaret, I'm so...
‐Oh, excuse me, Captain.
227
00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:07,460
Corporal, take
the Captain's bags
228
00:12:07,493 --> 00:12:09,062
to the visiting
officers' tent.
229
00:12:09,095 --> 00:12:10,463
‐Yes, sir.
‐Ma'am.
230
00:12:10,496 --> 00:12:12,032
‐Sir?
‐Dismissed.
231
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:13,033
Yes, sir.
232
00:12:21,141 --> 00:12:24,277
‐It's been a long time.
‐San Diego.
233
00:12:24,310 --> 00:12:26,312
I waited for you in
the bar until 4:00 am.
234
00:12:26,346 --> 00:12:27,914
You never came.
235
00:12:27,948 --> 00:12:31,785
‐I said I wouldn't.
‐You didn't lie.
236
00:12:31,818 --> 00:12:35,321
I think you'd better see
Captain Pierce right away.
237
00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:42,128
Captain, for me
to do my job,
238
00:12:42,162 --> 00:12:43,797
I've got to know
what's bothering you,
239
00:12:43,830 --> 00:12:45,398
if anything.
240
00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:47,133
So, the sooner
you trust me,
241
00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:48,835
the sooner I'm gonna
be able to help you.
242
00:12:48,869 --> 00:12:51,304
Oh, I trust you.
Why wouldn't I trust you?
243
00:12:51,337 --> 00:12:53,507
‐That's a very
healthy attitude.
‐Thank you.
244
00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:55,375
‐You're welcome.
‐To be sure.
245
00:12:56,610 --> 00:12:58,478
‐Right.
‐Wrong.
246
00:12:58,512 --> 00:13:00,947
Beg your pardon?
247
00:13:00,981 --> 00:13:02,248
Oh, I was just
associating freely.
248
00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:03,884
I thought
you'd expect that.
249
00:13:03,917 --> 00:13:06,052
‐Fine.
‐And dandy.
250
00:13:08,622 --> 00:13:10,423
‐Doctor...
‐Nurse.
251
00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:12,258
‐No, no, no.
‐Yes, yes, yes.
252
00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:13,927
No.
253
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:15,328
We're not going
to do that.
254
00:13:15,361 --> 00:13:17,363
Oh, whatever you say.
255
00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:20,567
‐Pierce...
‐Arrow.
256
00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:24,237
Oh, I'm sorry.
257
00:13:24,270 --> 00:13:27,007
Listen, we're both
professional men.
258
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:30,343
Let's get right to it.
What's your problem?
259
00:13:30,376 --> 00:13:32,345
I appreciate your
forthright approach.
260
00:13:32,378 --> 00:13:34,615
I'm gonna level
with you.
261
00:13:34,648 --> 00:13:37,117
I'm in love.
262
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:40,521
That's nice.
I'm sure.
263
00:13:40,554 --> 00:13:44,157
But it doesn't explain your
rather erratic behavior of late.
264
00:13:44,190 --> 00:13:46,226
Well, maybe it's
because I'm in love,
265
00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:47,928
and he doesn't
even know I exist.
266
00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:52,298
Did you say "he"?
267
00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:55,401
I'm relying on your
professional discretion.
268
00:13:55,435 --> 00:13:56,436
Of course.
269
00:13:59,540 --> 00:14:01,474
Who is it?
270
00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:03,176
Frank Burns.
271
00:14:03,209 --> 00:14:04,978
Major Burns?
272
00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:08,314
Frank.
273
00:14:11,217 --> 00:14:12,485
Tell me about it.
274
00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:14,087
You don't know
what it's been like,
275
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:15,121
living together
in the same tent,
276
00:14:15,155 --> 00:14:17,157
month after month,
277
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:18,992
and having him think of
me as just another guy.
278
00:14:21,461 --> 00:14:23,530
Go on, please.
279
00:14:23,564 --> 00:14:26,066
If only he knew
I sleep every night
280
00:14:26,099 --> 00:14:28,168
with his shaving brush
under my pillow.
281
00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:33,239
I always try to operate
at the same table he does.
282
00:14:33,273 --> 00:14:35,275
Somehow, I feel
sharing a casualty
283
00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:37,077
brings us closer
together.
284
00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:39,513
Of course.
285
00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:42,683
But he's only got
eyes for Hot Lips.
286
00:14:42,716 --> 00:14:44,618
That would be
Major Houlihan?
287
00:14:48,154 --> 00:14:50,256
Do you know she dyes
her hair blonde?
288
00:14:50,290 --> 00:14:52,526
‐Oh?
‐Oh, yeah.
289
00:14:52,559 --> 00:14:55,095
That's why I dyed
my hair black.
290
00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:58,331
I think Frank should
have a clear choice.
291
00:14:58,364 --> 00:15:00,266
Keep talking, Doctor.
292
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:02,435
Do you think a girl
should throw herself
293
00:15:02,468 --> 00:15:04,337
at him like that?
294
00:15:04,370 --> 00:15:06,940
I mean, I realize I'm only
a captain and he's a major,
295
00:15:06,973 --> 00:15:08,441
but, after all,
fair is fair.
296
00:15:08,474 --> 00:15:10,310
You know what I mean?
Don't you agree?
297
00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:12,646
Anything new develop
while I was gone, Radar?
298
00:15:12,679 --> 00:15:15,015
‐Oh, nothing much, sir.
‐Good.
299
00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:17,317
Just Captain Pierce all
of the sudden went bananas
300
00:15:17,350 --> 00:15:19,119
and they had to call in
a psychiatrist.
301
00:15:19,152 --> 00:15:20,320
They what?
302
00:15:20,353 --> 00:15:22,022
There's a latrine‐o‐gram
going around
303
00:15:22,055 --> 00:15:24,124
that he might be shipped out
to the laughing academy.
304
00:15:27,561 --> 00:15:30,130
Oh, he's beautiful.
You have that head doctor
report to my office...
305
00:15:30,163 --> 00:15:31,965
I'll tell Captain Sherman
to see you...
306
00:15:31,998 --> 00:15:33,399
‐...as soon as he can.
‐...as soon as he's available.
307
00:15:35,669 --> 00:15:37,070
Captain Sherman,
do you‐‐
308
00:15:39,472 --> 00:15:41,007
Captain Sherman,
do you know Major Houlihan,
309
00:15:41,041 --> 00:15:42,142
Major Burns?
310
00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:43,376
‐Major.
‐Captain.
311
00:15:43,409 --> 00:15:45,478
‐Captain.
‐Major.
312
00:15:45,512 --> 00:15:47,648
Come on.
Sit down, sit down.
313
00:15:47,681 --> 00:15:49,082
Thank you.
314
00:15:51,518 --> 00:15:52,285
Thank you.
315
00:15:55,789 --> 00:15:57,624
The Captain thinks
that, uh, Pierce
316
00:15:57,658 --> 00:15:59,359
is a candidate
for the funny farm.
317
00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:02,495
Now, uh, we all know what
a practical joker he is.
318
00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:05,431
So, Frank, uh, why don't you
tell us about the time
319
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:07,167
that, uh,
when you were asleep,
320
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:08,735
Pierce tied your
big toes to the bed frame
321
00:16:08,769 --> 00:16:10,336
and then yelled "fire"?
322
00:16:10,370 --> 00:16:12,539
Oh, I'd rather not, sir.
323
00:16:12,573 --> 00:16:15,008
Well, then tell him about
the time he sedated you,
324
00:16:15,041 --> 00:16:17,511
and then set your arms
and legs in plaster,
325
00:16:17,544 --> 00:16:20,346
and hung you from the ceiling
in traction ropes,
326
00:16:20,380 --> 00:16:21,682
(laughing)
327
00:16:21,715 --> 00:16:24,250
and...
(laughing)
328
00:16:24,284 --> 00:16:25,652
and how, when you
came to, you thought‐‐
329
00:16:25,686 --> 00:16:28,254
you thought you had
four broken limbs!
330
00:16:28,288 --> 00:16:30,657
(laughing)
331
00:16:30,691 --> 00:16:32,793
Then Pierce came in,
you see, and cut him down.
332
00:16:32,826 --> 00:16:34,427
Frank, I tell you,
333
00:16:34,460 --> 00:16:37,564
I will never forget
the terror in your eyes.
334
00:16:37,598 --> 00:16:40,233
That look just before
you hit the bed!
335
00:16:40,266 --> 00:16:42,503
(laughing)
336
00:16:42,536 --> 00:16:44,771
Do you remember
that one, Frank?
337
00:16:44,805 --> 00:16:48,141
‐(laughing)
‐I don't think
I'll ever forget it, sir.
338
00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:49,342
We certainly won't.
339
00:16:49,375 --> 00:16:51,244
‐Pierce did that?
‐Yeah.
340
00:16:51,277 --> 00:16:52,613
Yes. And I don't think
a man like that
341
00:16:52,646 --> 00:16:54,480
should get those
three days of R&R.
342
00:16:54,515 --> 00:16:57,350
‐Neither do I.
‐I agree.
343
00:16:57,383 --> 00:16:59,686
Colonel, I'm taking him
with me to Tokyo tomorrow.
344
00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:01,788
You're gonna what?
345
00:17:01,822 --> 00:17:04,057
I think Captain Pierce can use
a few weeks of observation.
346
00:17:04,090 --> 00:17:07,127
Well, wait a minute.
I mean, what if I never
get him back?
347
00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:08,729
We'll do
the best we can.
348
00:17:08,762 --> 00:17:11,297
This is the army!
349
00:17:11,331 --> 00:17:14,234
Nobody can do
the best they can.
350
00:17:14,267 --> 00:17:16,402
Uh, now, Frank,
tell him how wrong he is,
351
00:17:16,436 --> 00:17:19,806
that‐that Pierce is just,
uh, pulling a fast one.
352
00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:21,174
Or we're gonna lose him.
353
00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:22,242
They're gonna take him away.
354
00:17:22,275 --> 00:17:24,477
Tell him, Frank.
355
00:17:24,511 --> 00:17:26,680
Frank, tell him.
356
00:17:29,816 --> 00:17:31,217
Major Houlihan,
you tell him.
357
00:17:32,352 --> 00:17:35,321
You mean
poor Hawkeye?
358
00:17:35,355 --> 00:17:37,223
What "poor" Hawkeye?
359
00:17:38,659 --> 00:17:40,661
Poor, sick, Hawkeye?
360
00:17:40,694 --> 00:17:43,296
Sick, sick, sick.
361
00:17:44,565 --> 00:17:46,600
What do you mean,
"observation"?
362
00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:49,202
The only thing I wanna observe
in Tokyo is what a good time
I'm having.
363
00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:51,371
‐You need tests.
‐Oh, come on!
364
00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:54,641
‐You know I was putting you on
about Frank Burns.
‐Of course.
365
00:17:54,675 --> 00:17:56,877
But you have done
some bizarre things.
366
00:17:56,910 --> 00:18:00,514
Gee, I can't imagine why.
I'm 12,000 miles away from home,
367
00:18:00,547 --> 00:18:03,216
sewing together soldiers
not old enough to shave,
368
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:04,818
while a bunch of people
I don't know
369
00:18:04,851 --> 00:18:06,620
keep droping bombs on
the building where I work,
370
00:18:06,653 --> 00:18:09,255
which has a big red cross
painted on the roof.
371
00:18:09,289 --> 00:18:11,825
Maybe I should just hire
a band and have the whole
thing catered.
372
00:18:11,858 --> 00:18:14,861
Easy, Captain. We'll be
leaving in the morning.
That's an order.
373
00:18:14,895 --> 00:18:18,565
Didn't‐‐ Didn't anything
ever get you, Captain?
374
00:18:18,599 --> 00:18:20,834
Any situation
that was thrust upon you,
375
00:18:20,867 --> 00:18:24,505
in which you didn't come out
smelling like a well‐adjusted
rose?
376
00:18:24,538 --> 00:18:27,273
Not much chance of that,
Captain.
377
00:18:27,307 --> 00:18:29,676
My sense of reality
is my gyroscope.
378
00:18:29,710 --> 00:18:33,179
Whatever the situation,
it keeps me right on course.
379
00:18:33,213 --> 00:18:35,248
You're a lucky man.
380
00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:38,552
‐I'm speaking, of course,
in the past tense.
‐Just relax.
381
00:18:43,957 --> 00:18:45,158
Radar?
382
00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:55,669
‐What's up?
‐A mission you just
volunteered for.
383
00:18:55,702 --> 00:18:57,571
I was just
on my way to the shower.
384
00:18:57,604 --> 00:18:59,540
Well, you waited this long.
385
00:19:05,612 --> 00:19:06,713
(slurping)
386
00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:13,954
‐Do you mind if I sit here, sir?
‐No, not at all, Corporal.
387
00:19:13,987 --> 00:19:16,723
Thank you.
That's very kind of you.
388
00:19:25,799 --> 00:19:27,634
(slurping)
389
00:19:30,671 --> 00:19:33,874
‐Would you like
some soup, sir?
‐No. No, thank you.
390
00:19:44,885 --> 00:19:47,888
Why do you keep
doing that?
391
00:19:47,921 --> 00:19:49,990
It's Major Houlihan, sir,
she keeps looking over here,
392
00:19:50,023 --> 00:19:52,759
and then when you look
over she turns away.
393
00:19:52,793 --> 00:19:54,595
Really?
Major Houlihan?
394
00:19:57,363 --> 00:20:00,266
Does that surprise you, sir?
395
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:02,368
Just this afternoon,
I heard her saying
in the women's shower
396
00:20:02,402 --> 00:20:03,970
how great
she thinks you are.
397
00:20:04,004 --> 00:20:07,574
What were you doing
in the women's shower?
398
00:20:07,608 --> 00:20:08,909
Actually, I was
on the outside,
399
00:20:08,942 --> 00:20:10,611
fixing a hole
in the tent.
400
00:20:15,649 --> 00:20:17,851
I'm sure she was talking
about somebody else.
401
00:20:22,288 --> 00:20:24,525
What did she say?
402
00:20:24,558 --> 00:20:26,627
(slurping)
403
00:20:26,660 --> 00:20:28,294
♪♪♪
404
00:20:41,407 --> 00:20:43,009
Thank you very much
for your advice, sir.
405
00:20:43,043 --> 00:20:46,513
I'll be sure to send home for
that book by Sergeant Freud.
406
00:20:46,547 --> 00:20:50,283
‐That's Sigmund Freud.
‐Oh, yes, sir.
407
00:20:50,316 --> 00:20:51,552
‐Goodnight.
‐Goodnight, sir.
408
00:20:53,554 --> 00:20:56,523
Uh, there's no light.
409
00:20:56,557 --> 00:20:59,325
Is that so, sir?
410
00:20:59,359 --> 00:21:01,361
Oh, it must be
a burned‐out bulb.
411
00:21:01,394 --> 00:21:03,597
‐Well, I could scrape
one up for you.
‐Unnecessary.
412
00:21:03,630 --> 00:21:05,632
My profession is helping
people find their way
413
00:21:05,666 --> 00:21:07,067
in the dark.
414
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:10,070
Oh, yes, sir.
415
00:21:10,103 --> 00:21:11,972
Very good, sir.
416
00:21:15,375 --> 00:21:17,010
(canister clanging)
417
00:21:28,088 --> 00:21:29,890
♪♪♪
418
00:21:50,410 --> 00:21:54,581
(light switch clicking)
419
00:21:54,615 --> 00:21:57,551
Idiotic supply sergeant.
420
00:21:57,584 --> 00:21:59,853
Oh! Gee...
421
00:21:59,886 --> 00:22:02,355
♪♪♪
422
00:22:15,168 --> 00:22:16,670
(unzipping clothing)
423
00:22:19,606 --> 00:22:21,407
♪♪♪
424
00:22:33,119 --> 00:22:34,688
It's true.
425
00:22:34,721 --> 00:22:36,422
It's true!
426
00:22:38,158 --> 00:22:41,127
‐Let me do that.
‐(screaming)
427
00:22:41,161 --> 00:22:44,464
(screaming)
428
00:22:44,497 --> 00:22:46,767
‐Oh. Here.
‐(screaming)
429
00:22:49,870 --> 00:22:52,072
(mumbling, muffled cries)
430
00:22:55,108 --> 00:22:56,577
Oh. Pardon me. I‐‐
431
00:22:56,610 --> 00:22:58,411
I thought I heard
somebody yell for help.
432
00:22:58,444 --> 00:23:00,146
Carry on.
433
00:23:00,180 --> 00:23:01,481
"Carry on", hell!
434
00:23:01,515 --> 00:23:03,449
I did yell for help!
435
00:23:03,483 --> 00:23:06,720
Help! Help! Help!
436
00:23:06,753 --> 00:23:08,421
It's all right, babe.
437
00:23:08,454 --> 00:23:09,455
All right for who?
438
00:23:09,489 --> 00:23:11,858
Get off me,
you animal!
439
00:23:11,892 --> 00:23:13,860
Margaret,
it's me Philip.
440
00:23:13,894 --> 00:23:15,529
(screaming)
441
00:23:24,505 --> 00:23:26,472
Captain Sherman!
442
00:23:26,507 --> 00:23:28,742
‐Margaret!
‐It is not me!
443
00:23:28,775 --> 00:23:32,112
I mean, I wouldn't
have anything to do
with this pervert!
444
00:23:32,145 --> 00:23:33,714
This sex maniac!
445
00:23:33,747 --> 00:23:35,148
Margaret, it's all
a horrible mistake!
446
00:23:35,181 --> 00:23:36,216
I've been victimized!
447
00:23:36,249 --> 00:23:37,851
Is that what you call it?
448
00:23:37,884 --> 00:23:40,186
Lying in the dark, waiting
to spring on an innocent,
449
00:23:40,220 --> 00:23:42,188
‐young girl?
‐I'm the innocent one!
450
00:23:42,222 --> 00:23:44,090
It was that little
guy with the soup!
451
00:23:44,124 --> 00:23:45,892
It's all a frame‐up!
452
00:23:45,926 --> 00:23:48,128
A frame‐up? You're living
in a fool's paranoid.
453
00:23:48,161 --> 00:23:50,130
What the Sam Hill
is going on in here?
454
00:23:50,163 --> 00:23:52,232
She wanted me.
I mean, I thought
she wanted me.
455
00:23:52,265 --> 00:23:54,768
‐I'm a very controlled person.
‐Of course you are.
456
00:23:54,801 --> 00:23:56,202
You're just having
a little gyroscope trouble.
457
00:23:56,236 --> 00:23:58,505
A little trouble
with your what?
458
00:23:58,539 --> 00:23:59,740
Can I get out
of here?
459
00:23:59,773 --> 00:24:01,107
First thing
in the morning.
460
00:24:01,141 --> 00:24:02,676
(screaming)
461
00:24:02,709 --> 00:24:04,244
‐No, tonight. Please!
‐Even better.
462
00:24:04,277 --> 00:24:06,479
‐Right.
‐I'll, uh, pack you
some bananas.
463
00:24:06,513 --> 00:24:08,214
And I'll get you some
crackers and nuts.
464
00:24:08,248 --> 00:24:10,450
‐Good‐bye, Margaret.
‐(screaming, shouting)
465
00:24:15,221 --> 00:24:18,258
(happily singing)
♪ A little nest
that's nestled by ♪
466
00:24:18,291 --> 00:24:20,961
♪ A little nest nestled
where the roses bloom ♪
467
00:24:20,994 --> 00:24:24,698
‐Oh, driver!
‐Yoo‐hoo! Driver!
468
00:24:24,731 --> 00:24:27,601
Well, here you go, men.
One full week of R&R.
469
00:24:27,634 --> 00:24:29,670
Well, if I say so
myself, we earned 'em.
470
00:24:29,703 --> 00:24:31,905
‐Yes, indeedy.
‐Now, don't forget the deal.
471
00:24:31,938 --> 00:24:34,140
Listen, if you need us,
we're only a phone call away.
472
00:24:34,174 --> 00:24:36,076
‐(engine starts)
‐Choppers.
473
00:24:36,109 --> 00:24:38,512
Here they come!
474
00:24:38,545 --> 00:24:41,014
(man, over P. A.)
Attention, all personnel.
475
00:24:41,047 --> 00:24:42,849
‐Incoming casualties!
‐(helicopter blades whirling)
476
00:24:42,883 --> 00:24:44,585
Report immediately
to admitting ward
477
00:24:44,618 --> 00:24:47,621
and operating room,
on the double!
478
00:24:47,654 --> 00:24:49,055
Do me a favor.
479
00:24:49,089 --> 00:24:50,657
Keep the motor running
until the war is over.
480
00:24:50,691 --> 00:24:52,025
And don't stop the meter.
481
00:24:54,561 --> 00:24:55,762
♪♪♪
482
00:25:07,207 --> 00:25:09,776
♪♪♪ (theme)
34442
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