All language subtitles for MASH.S01E06.Yankee.Doodle.Doctor.WEBRip.x264-ION10

♪♪♪ (theme)

♪♪♪
Hello.

I'm Brigadier General
Crandall Clayton.

As one of thousands of,
uh, brave Americans

fighting in this scrap
here in Korea,

I have the honor to command
a group of courageous,

hard‐working medical men,
surgeons in uniform

using their skill to repair
the damage of war.

The film you're
about to see

is a true case of their
service in a great cause.

I'm sure it'll be as
inspirational to you

as it was to me,
their leader.

All right, cut.
Save the lights.

Beautiful.
General, Lovely.

You're giving this little
documentary real class.

Well, good, Lieutenant.

I want to cooperate in
any way I can.

I appreciate
that, sir.

Oh, uh, I even brought
that list you wanted.

Now look, these are MASH units
under my command.

I think I know
just the outfit you need‐‐

The 4077th.
Very high fitness record.

Commanded by
a dear friend of mine

Lieutenant Colonel
Henry Blake.

He heads up
the best surgical team

in the whole damn war.
Real soldiers.

‐You dance beautifully.
‐Thank you. So do you.

You're gonna be in town
for the whole convention?

Turn that thing off,
will ya?

Just keep shaving, Frank.

Hey, you're
a terrific dipper.

Oh, yeah.

After 18 hours
in an operating room,

where do you find the energy?

Can't help it, Frank.
We're the crazy generation.

Who's been using my razor?

I cannot tell a lie.
It was I.

I told you before
to leave my stuff alone!

Oh, Frank, he only used it
to shave his legs.

Oh, you guys.

‐Oh.
‐He's so fresh.

Ten‐hut.

Hiya, Henry.

Hiya, Henry.

At ease, men.

Uh, this is
Lieutenant Bricker.

Lieutenant Bricker,
this is Major Burns.

Hi. How are ya?

‐Captain McIntyre.
‐Nice to see ya.

‐How are ya?
‐And, uh, Captain Pierce.

‐How you been?
‐How are ya?
Nice to see you.

Welcome aboard,
Lieutenant.

Uh, surgeon?

Well, I hope so.

We don't need
a gynecologist.

No, Lieutenant Bricker
is with Special Services.

He's a movie director.

Well, welcome anyway.

Thank you.

Um, officers and doctors?

That's what it says
on my box of leeches.

The lieutenant's on,
uh, special assignment.

He's making a documentary
on MASH units.

And, uh, General Clayton
said he couldn't make

a better choice than
the old 4077th, huh?

Was he sober
when he said it?

I wanna tell your story,
focusing on one doctor

but, um, showing
all of you, of course.

Now, any of you
done any acting?

(whining)

You dirty rat!

You come in here and you
ask if we've ever‐‐

You dirty rat, if we've
ever done any acting?

Why, you dirty‐‐
That's not too bad, is it?

I never saw Carmen Miranda
done any better.

Now, cut that out.

I've had a little
experience, lieutenant.

Uh, amateur production
in college.

I played Romeo.

And Juliet.

Well, that's, uh‐‐
that's interesting, Major.

Thank you.

As a matter of fact,

I did dramatics
in high school, too.

For a while there,
it was a toss‐up

whether I'd be a doctor
or an actor.

What finally happened?

Shut him up.

Well, Frank is a fine surgeon
and a first‐rate officer.

But he's nothing
in a tight sweater.

How'd you like to have
a shot at this, captain?

Who, me?
No, I'm sorry.

I'm under contract
to North Korea...

as a spy.

Sense of humor, huh?

Moves well.
Good skin tone.

Yeah, but I promised Fred
I'd never dance with
anybody but him.

It's for the old
4077th, Pierce.

Could be laughs.

Aw, come on!

Well, if you don't do it,
he's gonna give it to Frank.

Okay, that does it!
You got me, Bricker.

Fine.
We'll start right away.

Gee, I was standing around,
minding my own business,

and all of a sudden‐‐ Poof!
A star is born!

(man on PA)
Attention, all personnel.

Attention, all personnel.

Casualties in
the compound.

All personnel report
on the double.

Start this guy
on whole blood, stat.

‐Yes, sir.
‐Now, hold it, hold it.

Now, now, cut.

I want a shot of you
conferring with another doctor.

You know what I mean?
Talking it over,
making a decision.

Hey, fella?
Could you smile a little bit,

like you got confidence
in the doctor?

Get this guy inside
and prep him.

We promised MacArthur
we'd get the war on schedule.

‐All right, all right, I got
it.
‐All right, gimme a clamp.

Come on, give me a clamp.

Another clamp.
Will you move? Come on!

That's great, fellas. Great.
Keep on. Keep going.

‐How you doing? How you doing?
‐All right, I got it.

We need a little more‐‐
A little more action.

You know?
Something dramatic. Huh?

Hey, Trapper,
lift his appendix.

‐What?
‐I think they need a close‐up.

In fact, while you're at it,
why don't you lift
his gallbladder?

Maybe you can sing
to his appendix.

‐Will you get out of
here with that thing!
‐Move!

And the secret of making
it better is in the hands

of fine corpsmen
such as you,

Corporal Radar O'Reilly
of Ottumwa, lowa.

‐Now, cut.
‐Well, what was wrong
with that one?

Uh, you always wear
those glasses?

Since I was two.

They're reflecting
the lights.

Oh, isn't that
interesting, sir?

The glasses were
reflecting the lights.

‐Can you see without them?
‐See what?

Never mind.
Keep them on.

But keep your head
down so we don't
get any reflection.

But look up
at the Colonel.

But keep your head down.

Look up
at the Colonel.

Keep your head down.

Look up
at the Colonel.

What do we have here?
His‐and‐her majors?

Not interrupting,
are we?

No.

Uh, the major
was helping me

with the narration
for the documentary.

Uh, Bricker
asked me to do it.

He's a fantastic
performer.

Really?
And can he act, too?

‐Give us a taste, Frank.
‐Yeah, oh, come on.

Go ahead, Frank.
Show them.

(clearing throat,
humming)

Skip that part.

"A group of brave men
are at work

"in a makeshift
operating room,

"struggling to save
your sons and brothers,

"while, outside,
the dogs of war

"bark at the door
of this sanctuary..."

(barking)

Down, boy!
Down, down!

Roll over.

(barking,
indistinct chatter)

"These are the saints
in surgical garb."

"Dedicated surgeons,
all volunteers."

"Every red‐blooded American
knows, if he is wounded,

"he will be in the strong,
capable hands

"of a Yankee
Doodle Doctor."

(laughter)

A Yankee Doodle Doctor?

♪ Stuck a feather
in his nurse ♪

Both:
♪ And called her macaroni ♪

You didn't like it?

Didn't like it?

Let me count the ways.

That's hardly
a constructive criticism.

Oh, you want
a constructive criticism.

You're right.

How about "You stink"?

And so does this
little movie show and
Lieutenant Bricker.

Stinks?

Oh, you, you‐‐

Who are you calling
a "you‐you"?

Come on, Frank.
We'll rehearse in my tent.

Take it easy, kids.

Save a little something
for the show.

Did you hear
that garbage?

‐It's nothing but
a bunch of lies.
‐I know.

They're making
a fairy‐tale documentary.

‐"All volunteers."
‐Yeah...

When they came to
get me I was hiding
under the front porch,

trying to puncture my
eardrum with an ice pick.

All right, look,
we've been had.

The picture's finished,
and that's that.

What?

I don't think it's
quite finished enough,

if you get my drift.

Hawkeye:
First, we get a hold of Radar.

Do you mind
if I sit here?

(inaudible dialogue)

(laughs)

(laughs)

Uh, sir?

‐Do you have a minute?
‐For what?

Oh, well, I was wondering
if you have any tips

for anyone who wanted
to get into the movies.

Uh, another time,
maybe, huh?

Oh, well, how did you
get started?

Me?

(clattering)

Hey.
Give me a light over here.

That's it.

(rattling)

Screwdriver.

Wrench.

Ow.

You make a lousy nurse.

Yeah, but it's
been tough for me,

because I won't sell out.

I mean,
I'm a funny kind of guy.

Oh, are you?

Integrity means more
to me than anything.

The right to do
what I think is right.

Spotlight, please.

Moves kinda slow in
the beginning, doesn't it?

Well, maybe it gets better
as you go along.

Oh, that's my bad side.

It looked good to me.

Oh, well‐‐ Oh, oh, you were
good in that place.

Isn't that good?

Moves better here.

Should we have
a double feature?

Where was I?

You just married
your high‐school teacher.

Wonderful woman.

Helped me a lot
with my career.

Wonder if she's
still alive?

Is that it?

Th‐th‐th‐th‐th‐th‐th‐‐
that's all, folks!

‐Ruined!
‐It's been exposed to light. Every reel.

‐All of it?
‐All of it.

Well, I mean, naturally
I'm worried about all of it.

But, uh...
my stuff, too?

Well, I mean, I...

Your call for
General Clayton, sir.

Did I call
General Clayton?

I called him.

This is my office,
Lieutenant.

General Clayton,
Henry Blake.

Oh, everything's
fine, sir.

Well, uh,
not actually fine.

Um, actually, terrible
rather than fine.

But everything was
really fine before
it got terrible.

Tell him!

Well you see, sir,
Lieutenant Bricker shot

all of his movie, and then,
uh, someone ruined it.

Yes, sir, exposed it.

Well, we don't
quite know how.

But it‐it
was locked up.

And then someone who's
very good with his hands

and very good with tools,
uh, like a surgeon, got‐‐

I'll call you
right back, sir.

Bricker, come on.

Okay, why'd you do it?

‐Do what?
‐Do what you did.

What are we supposed
to have done

that makes you ask if
we've done what we did?

You ruined my film,
that's what you did!

Gee, I acted as well
as I could.

Don't get cute.
You know what I mean!

You guys opened
his cans!

I haven't opened a can
since I was an intern.

Oh, you can double‐talk
him all you want.

I know you exposed
my film.

That's a very serious
accusation, Lieutenant.

‐And very hard to prove.
‐Yeah.

Now, nobody pulls
that schoolboy crud

on Duane William Bricker.

(laughter)

We start reshooting
tomorrow, from the top.

Fine, go ahead,
but do it without me.

‐Aw, come on, Pierce.
‐I will not work
with that man.

He simply drained me.

I'm not putting my career
in his hands.

Career? Who do you
think you are?

The star of
"Yankee Doodle Doctor."

‐Could I just‐‐
‐No autographs at this time.

Has he left yet?

Save your voice,
my darling.

‐Hey, let's be sensible.
‐Not now, Henry.

I'm going to my dressing
room to lie down.

I've met some weirdos
in my time,

but these two
take the cake.

Yeah, but at least it's
honest weirdoism, Bricker.

Not like that phoney
footage you shot.

I'm not through here.

Then we'll disregard
the rumor.

Bricker, Bricker.

Uh, listen, we can
work things out.

'Course we can.

We'll just do the movie
without that hotshot.

Well, no, uh,
I don't think so.

‐Not really.
‐Huh?

Well, you see, uh,
Hawkeye Pierce is, uh,

warts and all, kind of
the heartbeat of this place.

Maybe we can work out
a compromise.

Sergeant.

Get our gear loaded and take
the truck back to Seoul.

I'll take
the next chopper back.

Is that your idea
of a compromise?

Colonel, I'm a funny
kind of guy.

I never compromise.

I go right to surrender.

Listen.

Do you realize how
important that movie

would be back home,
to our folks,

to see the kind of job
we're doing here?

Gee, I told my folks
I was, uh, coming over here

to avoid making
house calls.

Listen, crass as it
may sound,

I mean, it'd be a pretty
good plug for us,

this movie, back home.
You know.

Hey, he's right,
you know.

I can just hear them back
at the hospital after the war.

"There goes Dr. Pierce.

"A fair doctor,
but a great profile."

Now, look.

This monkey's gonna
hightail it right to
General Clayton.

And they're gonna
make that movie

at some other
MASH outfit.

That's gonna leave us
right out in the cold.

‐Oh.
‐Oh...

Hey...

‐Uh, Henry?
‐What?

Can we let Bricker go
and keep his camera guy here

and all his equipment?

‐I think so.
‐You still got
Bricker's script?

I hope so.

(whistling)

Henry, we can make
this movie ourselves.

You can what?

We can make it
ourselves.

Oh, that's pretty
gutsy of you.

Well, "Guts" is
my middle name.

Actually, it's
"Kinda Disgusting".

I mean, you really
think you can do it?

Yeah!

Tomorrow morning
we start shooting.

Come on, Henry.
What do you say?

Come on, what do you say?
Come on‐‐

‐Okay, here's to it.
‐Okay.

Lieutenant Colonel
Henry Blake

and Captain Benjamin
Franklin Pierce

proudly present
"Yankee Doodle Doctor."

Where do you come off
with top billing?

Oh...

Because of your jewelry?

Okay, get a good shot
of this, Sergeant.

I'm getting it.

Move in closer.

Cut it.

This shot isn't
in the script, Captain.

Don't worry about
the script, Sergeant.

Just handle
the mechanical details.

Yes, sir.

‐OK, ready?
‐Ready to roll.

Action!

(indistinct chatter)

How far away should I...

All right, okay.

Wait a minute. Wait a second.
Attention, everybody.

Wait a minute, listen...

Now, this scene is when
the corpsmen unload Radar,

and Trapper and I come out
and look him over

before they take
him away, all right?

Right.

All right, you, Sergeant,

put your camera
right about there

and get us
coming out of pre‐op.

All right?
Get in the truck, Radar.

All right. Okay.

(panting)

‐Are you all right?
‐I'm acting.

‐What?
‐I'm acting!

(man over PA)
Attention, all personnel.

Tonight in the mess tent,
at 2100 hours,

the movie that could turn
Korea into a new Hollywood:

"Yankee Doodle Doctor",
with a cast of several.

A movie that will
give you a lump

no surgeon can remove.

Ten‐hut!

At ease.

Good to see you, Major.

Been a long time.

Too long, General.

Well, sir, it's just
about almost ready now,

any minute now,
pretty soon, sir.

Excuse me, General,

you'll be sitting
over here, sir.

And, uh, Major Burns, you'll
be sitting right there.

And Major Houlihan,
of course, will be sitting

next to the general.

Oh, excuse me, sir.

(collective chatter)

Quiet!

Now, uh, just a second
before we start here,

to welcome our honored guest,
Brigadier General Clayton.

(applause)

Now, um, this film that
we're all about to see

for the first time
is the general's baby.

And of course
we're mighty proud

to be able
to deliver it.

(laughing)

(gulping)

Well, then, um,
on with the show.

Will you, uh, turn out
the, uh, lights, Radar?

Thank you.

(projector flickering)

Hello.

I'm Brigadier General
Crandall Clayton.

Among the thousands
of brave Americans

fighting in this scrap
here in Korea,

I have the honor to command
a group of courageous,

hard‐working medical men.

‐Very good, sir.
‐Very good, sir,
really just so terrific.

‐Marvelous. So professional.
‐Shh.

The film you're about
to see is a true record

of their service
in a great cause.

I'm sure it'll be
as inspirational to you

as it is to me,
their leader.

Narrator:
This is the 4077th Mobile
Army Surgical Hospital,

somewhere in Korea.

Not a very attractive
military post,

mainly because the men
of the 4077th have no time

for anything but
the vital work they do.

(laughter)

Hey, Radar!

Hey! Beautiful!

Just a little medical
school humor, sir.

(laughter)

The men at the 4077th
are on 24‐hour duty,

always ready
to receive those GIs

who need medical help.

Doctor, doctor!
Can you give him a hand?

I'd rather
give you one.

Are you the Yankee
Doodle Doctor?

I certainly am.

(horn honking)

Radar,
you're terrific.

(indistinct chatter)

Gosh, I'm glad they
brought me here.

Wait a minute.
Have you got a reservation?

A reservation?

I'm afraid we're all booked up
through New Year's.

(horn honking)

But, Doctor!

I'm sorry, kid.
You shoulda booked ahead.

Come to think of it,
you shoulda booked

the rest of the body
as well.

What the hell
was that?

Brave men struggle in
a makeshift operating room,

while the dogs of war
bark at their very door.

Heads up, everybody.

Yankee Doodle
Doctor's coming.

Lucky!

(horn honking)

Nurse, is the patient
prepared for surgery?

Yes, doctor.

Well, I'm certainly
glad one of us is.

Tell me something.
Did you take his pulse?

Yes, Doctor.

I told you to
take his wallet.

First things first.

‐(horn honking)
‐Let me have a scalpel.

Don't get undressed.
Just give me a scalpel.

That's not a scalpel.

Well, that's not
a scalpel.

Now, that's what
I call a scalpel.

(horn honking)

If this hurts, you'll be
the first one to know.

Doctor, what about
the anesthesia?

No, thank you, I prefer
to be awake through this.

Give him some
anesthesia.

Try not to laugh.
You're unconscious.

You'll be a better man
for this, my friend.

Who can spare a tree?

Well, that's enough
of that.

I think it's time
to do some sewing.

‐Sew what?
‐That's what I say.

Incision closed.
Stitches in place.

You're finished, Doctor.

Yes, but who are you
to remind me?

Tell me, nurse,
would you like to hop

into the oxygen tent for
a little heavy breathing?

(laughter)

Uh‐oh, wait a minute.

Anything wrong, Doctor?

I think I just found
my wristwatch.

Either that, or he's giving
birth to an alarm clock.

(horn honking)

How dare you say that
in front of a lady?

Good night, folks.

(horn honking)

(audience laughter)

Narrator:
And there are those
rare moments,

when these saints
in surgical garb

may relax with simple,
wholesome pleasures.

(cheering)

♪♪♪

(audience laughter)

Gentlemen!

Gentlemen,
I give you the war.

Ugh!

All:
Ugh!

Blech! Blech!

(laughter)

Three hours ago this man
was in a battle.

Two hours ago
we operated on him.

He's got a 50‐50 chance.

We win some,
we lose some.

That's what
it's all about.

No promises.

No guaranteed survival.
No saints in surgical garb.

Our willingness,
our experience,

our technique
are not enough.

Guns, and bombs,
and anti‐personnel mines

have more power
to take life

than we have
to preserve it.

Not a very happy ending
for a movie.

But then no war
is a movie.

(applause)

General,
I'm very sorry.

I don't know how
this happened.

It's absolutely
scandalous, General.

‐Frank, Frank...
‐Please don't worry, sir.

We can do
the whole thing over.

There's no need
for that, Henry.
It's not all bad.

Sir?

Save that first bit,
my introduction, all of it.

‐Yes, sir.
‐And that last piece we saw
with Captain Pierce talking.

‐Yes.
‐Burn everything
in between.

‐Yes, sir.
‐But save one print for me.

We gotta have
something to laugh at

when this whole thing
is over.

Shall we, my dear?

I'd be happy to.

I think she wanted
my autograph.

You can't even talk.

‐I can write.
‐Ah, gosh.

You were very good
today, Doctor. Oh, well, another day,
another duodenum.

You didn't happen to catch
my work in there, did you?

Oh, yes.

But he's the
Yankee Doodle Doctor.

It's a privilege
to assist him.

Any time, love.

In fact, maybe
even later today.

You know, kids,
I've been thinking
about my next picture.

I'd like to try something
light next time.

Maybe something romantic.

Why don't they ever make
pictures like that anymore?

You know, two brothers.
One's a Yankee.

And the other's
a South Korean.

They don't look anything alike,
and I play both parts.

I'll tell you about it.

I bet if I played it
with a big black hat,

I'd look like Lincoln.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ (theme)