All language subtitles for MASH.S01E04.Chief.Surgeon.Who.WEBRip.x264-ION10

♪♪♪ (theme)

♪♪♪

Hey, is it possible to
sue your feet for divorce?

With your luck, you'd
get custody of the arches.

Mine are killin' me.

Sure wish they'd let us
operate sittin' down.

They might if we could
talk the patients

into standing up.

Fix you a martini?

Haven't you anything better
to do when you're off duty

than to lie around
and swill gin?

Swill gin?

Sir, I have sipped, lapped,
and taken gin intravenously,

but I have
never swilled!

Actually, I'm pursuing
my lifelong quest

for the perfect, the
absolutely driest martini

to be found in this
or any other world.

(relieved sigh)

And I think I may
have hit upon the
perfect formula.

Five to one?

Not quite.

You pour six
jiggers of gin

and you drink it while
staring at a picture

of Lorenzo Schwartz,
the inventor of vermouth.

Twaddle.

Watch your
language, Frank,

or I'll wash your
mouth out with soap.

By the way, did
you know "soap" was
a four‐letter word?

Hey, Frank, are we
disturbing you?

'Cause if we are,
I can arrange

to get shipped back
to the States.

You're not disturbing me.
I'm putting my time

to good,
constructive use.

Ah.

What are you doing?

And that question itself
shows how bored I am.

Writing my patients
back home.

I keep in touch with each
and every one of them.

That's a pretty
big job, isn't it?

Oh, not really.

I send them
a form letter.

"What's up front, Doc?"

A small joke.

Almost stillborn.

"Well, the fighting
here goes on,

"but I must go along
with MacArthur

"and agree that
the beginning of the end

"is in sight."

That's pretty
stylish, Frank.

I wrote on
the school paper.

I wrote on the walls.

I don't know whether
to go on reading this

or wait for
the movie to come out.

What do you mean?

Well, you're quite
a guy in here, Frank.

I mean your exploits make
Superman seem like a fairy.

Everything in
there is true!

Yeah, but it's such
a commercial for yourself.

I was building up
a pretty good practice
when I got called up.

And I'll be darned
if I let those people

forget me while
I'm over here.

Well, maybe you could bring
the plague back home, Frank,

just to get things
started again.

Or you could introduce
jungle rot to Indiana.

You're both jealous.

I was in practice
only three years,

and I already had
a $35,000 house
and two cars.

Choppers!

‐How many?
‐Too many.

We just got through with
two days of casualties.

Speak to
the enemy, sir.

Radar:
Choppers!

(muted clatter)

‐Pull that back.
‐Yes, sir.

Come on, let's go, baby,

or this boy's kidney's
never gonna dance again.

‐Yes, sir.
‐Can I help?

Yeah, help her
retract, will ya?

Hey Hawkeye, this guy's got
a belly full of shrapnel.

Give me a hand
with the resection.

Okay, okay, hang on.
I'll be right there.

I can give you a a hand
in a minute, McIntyre.

Never mind.
I'll wait.

Why do you keep handing
me the wrong instruments?

Because you keep asking
for the wrong instruments.

Will you shut up, Pierce?!

How'd you like a spleen
across the mouth?

Gentlemen!
You're doctors. Remember?

Yeah, I've seen better
surgeons operating on trees.

How many we got
waitin' out there?

Couple of dozen, at least.

I've got a bad
pancreatic injury here.

Anything outside
the skull like, I'm dead.

‐Resect it.
‐Thanks, Hawkeye.

The book says drain it!
Always!

If you were a proctologist,

I'd tell you what
to do with that book.

You're a year behind
on your journals.

Hawkeye:
Here, clean that up
while I'm gone.

Let's go! Let's go!
We got people double‐parked!

I can't find anything.

You left it in
your tent, sir.

‐My fishing catalog?
‐Your fishing catalog.
Yes, sir.

Where do I sign?

Sir, I'd read
that very carefully.

It's from Major Burns.
He's right outside in the hall.

‐Well, tell him I'm not in.
‐Yes, sir.

Sir?

Frank Burns has to be
the biggest horse's patoot

‐on this post.
‐You think so?

(Radar humming)

Frank...

Dismissed.

‐You heard him, sir.
‐He's talkin' to you!

You seriously wanna press
these charges, Frank?

You bet I do.

"Insubordination.

"Failure to salute
a superior officer."

I'm a major.
Pierce is a captain.

He's never
saluted me once.

Frank, the nearest thing
to a salute on this post

is the camp mutt
scratching the fleas

behind his ears.

"Lack of military courtesy.

"Captain Pierce constantly
calls me by my first name."

Not allowed, Henry.
Page 85, The Army
Officer's Guide.

You honestly want him
to call you "Major"?

I have got oak leaves
on my shoulders.

And I've got dimples
on my butt!

But none of that means
anything around here, Frank.

Shall we get on
with the charges?

You insist
on pressing them?

Mm‐hmm.

‐Radar!
‐Yes, sir.

I sent for Captain Pierce.
I thought you'd want to see him.

I want you to get Captain Pierce
and tell him I want to see him.

‐Right this way, sir.
‐Well, show him in.

Whatever it is, Henry,
it better be good.

He's out of
uniform, as usual.

I've tried sleeping
in my uniform, Frank,

but my medals
keep stabbing me.

Burns says the operating room
is becoming impossible.

He's right.
I agree.

All that blood
and everything,

and those sick people?
It's terrible.

You know what
I'm talking about.

You're trying
to take over.

You answer every question,
call every shot.

Well, you do it.
I don't care.

Well, they don't
ask me the questions!

Gee, I can't
understand that.

You've got a $35,000 car
and two houses.

Oh, no, that's a $35,000
house and two cars.

Uh‐huh.

You were still working
in a hospital

when they called you up.

I realize it's
ridiculous for a doctor

to work in a hospital.
It really screws up your golf.

Burns does outrank
you, Pierce.

Yeah, it took
the UN to do it.

‐Listen, Pierce, you‐‐
‐Knock it off!

Now this can't continue.

Why don't you sell me
to the Red Sox?

I'd love to.

But what I obviously
have to do

‐is appoint a chief surgeon.
‐Now you're talking.

He'll be in charge of
all surgical situations.

In addition to his own work,
he'll assist each shift,

to help out with
the really tough cases.

The job'll be a killer.

I can adjust.

I hope you can.
I'm giving it to Pierce.

Oh, thanks.

What?
You can't!

I won't stand for it!

Frank, the one thing that'll
get you nowhere with me

is impersonating my wife.

Well, what about rank?

Can I help it if
I'm not as rank as you?

This is unheard of!

Face it. Pierce is the
best cutter in the outfit.

He's certified in chest
and general surgery.

Frank, in case you
haven't read the papers,

there's a war on.

We're here to patch
guys together.

We can't be so GI
we lose patients.

Are you implying that
he's a better doctor?

Yes, when the heat's on.

Well, if you
want heat...

I'll give you
plenty of heat!

Frank...

"Failure to salute
a superior officer."

Hey, you may just
turn out to be

one of the good guys
yet, Henry.

Hawkeye...
don't let me down.

Would I do anything
to disgrace this uniform?

‐Margaret, I, uh...
‐Frank!

I... Oh, I was just, uh,

fixing this cut
I have on my head.

Margaret, something
just awful's happened.

Take a deep breath, Frank.

(breathes)

Now tell me.

Margaret, something
just awful's happened.

‐And?
‐Colonel Blake's appointed
Pierce chief surgeon over me.

He can't!
It's against regulations!

‐Doesn't he know that?
‐He did...

and it is, and he does!

Ohh, my poor baby.

Frank, it's not
unmanly to cry.

Heh. I would not give
them the satisfaction.

That's my strong fella.

(crying)
Margaret...

Attention, attention,
all personnel.

Barring the arrival
of new casualties,

at 2100 hours tonight

there will be a special
ceremony in the mess hall

to crown the 4077th's
new chief surgeon.

That means tonight's movie
is moved to tomorrow.

It's the latest
War Department film

on the dangers of VD.

Be sure to see it
with someone you love.

♪♪♪ (pop ballad playing)

(party chatter)

Put on the record.

(record scratches)

Quiet, please,
everybody!

(clears throat)

This is the moment you've
all been waiting for.

Ladies and gentlemen,

and, uh, anything
in between...

(laughter)

it gives me great
pleasure to present

Captain Benjamin
Franklin Pierce,

our new chief surgeon!

(fanfare playing,
cheers and applause)

Thank you, Thank you.

You may all kiss
my ring.

(laughter)

(distant party chatter)

They're gonna
get theirs, boy.

Yeah, type, Frank.
Type.

‐Speech! Speech!
‐Yeah.

Speech!

‐Some men are born
to greatness.
‐Hmm.

Others have it
thrust upon them.

And then there are those
of us who got it both ways.

‐Hey, hey!
‐(audience laughter)

Keep those crowds back
behind the toilet paper.

(laughter)

"Dear General Barker,

"I think I should call
to your attention..."

Da‐da‐da‐dum...

"My qualifications
as a doctor..."

Thirty‐five
thousand dollars?

‐Hmm?
‐Hmm, type.

Type.

Margaret, when you
touch me like that,

‐I...
‐Type, type...

I guess you could
say that medicine

has been my life.

I always wanted
to be a doctor.

Just ask any little girl
I grew up with.

(laughter)

(moaning)

Frank...

Call me "Tiger".

Frank...

Your oak leaves
are killing me.

Aww...

Now how will I be able
to write the general?

Come on.

Hawkeye:
But let‐let me say this.

Honestly, when you live
in a cruddy situation

like this long enough,

you get to love
a few people...

and even hate a few.

I guess, outside
of our families,

we'll never be closer
to anybody

than we are
to each other.

You finished?

What did I get
on the humble meter?

(crowd groaning)

One more thing.

Then we gotta
get back on duty.

I'll buy that.

I assure you that
it's imperative, sir,

or I wouldn't
have called.

Trapper:
The trappings of
your office, sire.

(cheering)

Your orb.

But, sir, I‐‐
But, sir...

General Barker?

Margaret Houlihan.

Yes.

I think you ought to
get up here at once, sir.

For the good
of your command.

(cheering, applause)

Your scepter!

(cheering, applause)

♪♪♪

Yes, sir.

I think you ought
to take a good look

at your new chief surgeon.

♪♪♪
Major Houlihan,
Burns.

We're so glad
you're here, sir.

So glad.

The situation better be as
bad as you indicated, Burns.

Well, I'm happy to say
it's worse, sir.

There's a badly wounded
patient who's been waiting

to be operated on
since 1:30, sir.

He's just lying
there, waiting.

It's two o'clock now.

2:03.

All right, I'll get
right into this.

I may want to see
you later, Major,

for, um, your own personal
slant on all this.

Yes, sir.

Now then, just
where, may I ask,

is Chief Surgeon Pierce,

with a patient
waiting in surgery?

Well, sir...

you wouldn't
believe this...

I don't like
this at all.

No, sir.

‐You took three?
‐Right.

‐And you, Kaplan?
‐Two.

‐And you didn't take any?
‐No.

How would you like a land mine
up your moustache?

Ten bucks, Hawkeye.

I'd like
to win this pot

while I'm young
enough to enjoy it.

Easy, fungus face.

Call.

Out.

I fold.

‐Full house.
‐Ahh!

Three of a kind,
all bad.

I've seen bigger pots.

Keep away
from the mirror.

What're we playing?

Threes and nines
are wild.

If you want, you can
buy a new card

and an open four.

Except February,
which has 28.

Are we here
to play or talk?

I think I'm here
to lose.

Ace bets
a dollar, blind.

That's a lot of
respect for one ace.

As you were.

Oh, hiya, General.
What are you doing?

Marching in your sleep?

Ace bet a buck.
Who's in?

I call.

Captain Pierce...

I've been told you have
a seriously wounded patient

for whom you
are responsible.

You bet your
bellybutton, Dad.

My what?

Pair of twos says five.

Out.

In.

Pierce...

You're a little late, General.
I'll deal you in next hand.

That soldier
requires surgery.

Right, that's why
I checked him

into the hospital
instead of the PX.

Well, you gonna
take care of him,

or are you gonna
go on playing poker?

(sighs)

General, the man came
in with a chest wound.

I put a tube in him,
and I'm watching him

‐very carefully.
‐You call this watching?

I get a bulletin
every quarter hour
from the nurse,

who is very devoted
and a great kisser.

And just when do you
intend to operate?

Hopefully, never.
But if I have to,

I figure around 3 a. m.

By that time, he will
have been given his blood,

and his pulse and his pressure
should be stabilized.

And until then, you're
going to do nothing?

Don't be ridiculous.
Of course I'm gonna
do something.

I'm gonna meet his $5
and raise two more.

You're not talking to some
idiot desk jockey, Captain!

I'm a doctor myself.

Well, if you wanna
operate now, be my guest.

I get the same pay
whether I work or not.

Your two and two more.

Pierce...

you're in very
deep trouble.

I don't think so.
I can beat a pair of twos.

I fold that.

This conduct is intolerable
as a chief surgeon!

I order you to begin
that operation!

General, either take
the case yourself

or join me
at 3 o'clock.

You're making it
impossible for me

to concentrate
on my poker.

And if I don't
win this pot,

I'll never be able to send
my sister a new truss.

The last raise
is mine.

You haven't heard
the last of this.

I wasn't listening
to the first of it.

We'll just wait until we
hear what Colonel Blake

has to say about it all.

Watch out for the...

(trash clattering,
General Barker shouting)

...trash can.

I hate loud generals.

Are you in or not?

Yeah.

(grunting)

Oh...

Soldier!

Yes, sir?

Which way to
Colonel Blake's?

Uh, 20 feet
straight ahead, sir.

Were ya born
in that position?

Uh, yes, sir.
Uh, no, sir. No, sir.

Dismissed.

Yes, sir.

What are you doing,
Corporal?

Doing, sir?

D‐O‐I‐N‐G.
What are you doing?

I'm listening to you
spell "doing", sir.

Doesn't Colonel Blake mind
you smoking his cigars

and drinking his brandy?

Yes, sir, very much.

Then why are you
doing it?

Well, I don't mind,
and I figured

as long as one of us
is reasonable...

Uh, just a little
joke there.

Ten‐hut!

Is your hand broken?

Get that cigar
out of your hand!

Now, tell me...

Where is Colonel Blake?

Well, if he isn't
in his tent, sir,

he could be anywhere.

Doesn't anybody in this
outfit ever go to sleep?

Only on duty, sir.

Halt!

Friend or foe?

I am General Barker!

How do I know you're
not one of them

with a clever
make‐up job?

Corporal Klinger,
isn't it?

Right.

Still tryin' to get out
on a psycho, eh, Klinger?

Well, I can tell ya,

it'll take a lot
more than this.

Then I'll just have
to keep trying, Mary.

General Barker?

What, may I ask,
is going on here?

Just playin', sir.

That I can see. But what?

Strip dominoes.

Nurse, is everybody
around here crazy?

Everybody who's sane
is, sir.

Just tell me, please...

which is Colonel Blake's tent?

Right outside, sir.
Hang a right, two tents.

Thank you. Go to bed.

‐See?
‐Forget it.

Coast is clear.

Be with you
as soon as I can.

Bet this looks funny.

Bet it doesn't.

Any luck, dear?
Ooh!

General, I'm sorry, sir.

‐I thought it...
‐Honey, I got us
some real beauties.

‐Henry!
‐General Barker!

‐W‐What are you doing...
‐Where have you been?

Digging worms.
For fishing.

And leaving this place
run by that maniac

you appointed
chief surgeon?

I can assure you
that Captain Pierce

is very capable, sir.

Oh, you think so, huh?

‐Yes, sir.
‐Come with me.

Yes, sir.

‐Leave the worms.
‐Yes, sir.

He said
"Leave the worms."

This place is
a madhouse, Henry.

A nut farm.

Gee whiz, that's
a bit strong, sir.

Do you realize you've
a man on guard duty

who's wearing a skirt?

Yeah, well,
luckily he's got
the legs for it.

Where's Pierce?

Over in surgery.

Come along.

As you were.

How much did you win?

About fifty bucks.

I'm sending it
to my wife

for her private
detective fund.

What, is she gonna have
you followed out here?

No, it's for when
I get back home,

starting
the second night.

Ah, Pierce.

Ah, pull up
a sink, General.

You still got
a patient?

Well, at 1:30 when
I checked him last,

our guy in there
had been given

less than
a pint of blood,

whereas he'd lost
two or three.

His pulse was
around, uh, 120,

his pressure was
down to around 90.

Now, at three o'clock,
he's been given

three pints of blood,
his pulse is 80,

his pressure's 120,

and he's received
five million units

of penicillin
intravenously.

Of course, his chest
is still bleeding,

but, uh, now we can
operate safely and quickly.

We don't have to do it
frantically and carelessly.

Let's get nice
and sterile.

What's that worm
doin' in there?

Okay, General,
I'm gonna sandbag ya.

You think we're ready to
get out of this chest yet?

‐Obviously you don't.
‐Give the man a cigar.

The general
or the patient?

See, Dad, we haven't
found any small holes

in the lung yet.
Only large ones.

And I think he's
got one in his lingula

that we won't find
unless we look for it.

I've seen some bubbles
I can't account for.

Gimme some‐‐ Give me
some suction here.

And there it is.

I'm impressed.

So am I.

Let's oversew the lung.

Well, sir, what
do you think of my
chief surgeon now? Well, I'm not very good
at apologies, Pierce,

but forgive a rusty
old doctor, will you?

I think you're very good
at apologies, General.

Sir, Major Burns is
probably going to continue

to complain to you
about the promotion.

Well, may I make
a suggestion about
Major Burns?

‐Yes, sir.
‐Give him a high colonic

and send him on
a ten‐mile hike.

With full pack.

Good touch.

Well, I'll see you
to your jeep, sir.

I don't expect
to be back unless you
got problems, Henry.

‐Real problems.
‐Problems?

At the 4077th, sir?

‐Klinger: Halt!
‐Klinger!

Who goes there?

The man's naked!

Aw, come on, Klinger.

Put on a dress or something.

At least a slip.

(indistinct whispering)

‐Longfingers.
‐Longfingers.

‐Stick a drain in there.
‐Hey, Hawk!

‐This looks like a job
for Clark Kent.
‐Coming!

Put a stitch in that drain.
I'll be right back. Watch it.

‐Uh, Pierce?
‐What?

Um... can you give me a hand
with this resection?

‐Hey, can you hold on
for a second?
‐Sure, no sweat.

I'm ready, Doctor.

We'll split the fee, right?

Right.

♪♪♪ (theme)