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1
00:00:04,705 --> 00:00:07,040
♪♪♪ (theme)
2
00:00:52,185 --> 00:00:54,187
(swing music playing) MAN ON P. A.:
Attention, all personnel!
3
00:00:54,220 --> 00:00:56,289
All shifts report
to Operating Room.
4
00:00:56,322 --> 00:00:58,525
All shifts,
on the double.
5
00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:00,527
Attention,
all personnel.
6
00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:02,596
All shifts report
to Operating Room.
7
00:01:02,629 --> 00:01:05,131
All shifts,
on the double.
8
00:01:10,303 --> 00:01:12,238
Come on, take a card.
9
00:01:15,275 --> 00:01:16,710
All right, come on,
make a play will ya?
10
00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:18,512
Now, hold your colon, Doc.
Oh, let's see.
11
00:01:18,545 --> 00:01:20,814
You were, uh, saving queens
and throwing spades, right?
12
00:01:24,417 --> 00:01:25,586
Gin!
13
00:01:25,619 --> 00:01:26,753
That's 470,000 you owe me.
14
00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:28,421
Will you take a check?
15
00:01:28,454 --> 00:01:30,490
Oh, I'm sorry.
16
00:01:30,524 --> 00:01:32,726
Excuse me, doctors.
I wasn't looking.
17
00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:34,628
I'm doing enough
looking for us both.
18
00:01:34,661 --> 00:01:35,629
Hey, you wanna
try that again?
19
00:01:35,662 --> 00:01:36,863
Two out of three falls?
20
00:01:36,897 --> 00:01:38,632
I, uh, don't believe
we've met.
21
00:01:38,665 --> 00:01:40,466
What are you doing
after the war?
22
00:01:40,501 --> 00:01:42,202
Hey, wait a minute!
23
00:01:49,375 --> 00:01:51,878
(murmuring)
24
00:01:51,912 --> 00:01:53,880
Okay, there it is.
25
00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:54,848
Yeah.
26
00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:02,188
Is he out?
27
00:02:02,222 --> 00:02:04,190
The switch is off.
Any time you're ready.
28
00:02:04,224 --> 00:02:06,426
‐Right, nurse?
‐Yes, Doctor?
29
00:02:06,459 --> 00:02:07,761
That's "Yes, Doctor, darling."
30
00:02:07,794 --> 00:02:09,262
Yes, Doctor, darling.
31
00:02:09,295 --> 00:02:10,496
Stand by with a clamp.
32
00:02:10,531 --> 00:02:12,599
Ugly John, give me
a reading on his pulse?
33
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:13,834
68 and steady.
34
00:02:13,867 --> 00:02:17,170
Okay. Scalpel.
Hey, I like that.
35
00:02:17,203 --> 00:02:18,572
Very good slap in there.
Good.
36
00:02:21,608 --> 00:02:22,709
All right,
let me have the, uh‐‐
37
00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:25,411
‐Scissors.
‐Terrific.
38
00:02:27,581 --> 00:02:29,550
‐Sponge.
‐Sponge.
39
00:02:31,618 --> 00:02:34,220
‐Pick‐ups.
‐Pick‐ups.
40
00:02:34,254 --> 00:02:36,489
‐Kiss.
‐What?
41
00:02:36,523 --> 00:02:39,325
Surprise me.
42
00:02:39,359 --> 00:02:41,294
Make a note of that.
I want him put on report.
43
00:02:41,327 --> 00:02:42,729
Disrespectful behavior.
44
00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:44,865
She's a new one.
I'll take care of her.
45
00:02:44,898 --> 00:02:46,600
Ah, we work
very well together.
46
00:02:46,633 --> 00:02:48,234
Why don't we get a few
casualties of our own
47
00:02:48,268 --> 00:02:49,670
and we can go into business
for ourselves?
48
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,742
So did you have to
immobilize the duodenum?
49
00:02:55,776 --> 00:02:56,843
Yeah, I thought
there might be
50
00:02:56,877 --> 00:02:58,512
a retroperitoneal
perforation.
51
00:02:58,545 --> 00:03:00,413
There was a large
hematoma in the area.
52
00:03:00,446 --> 00:03:02,282
‐Yeah.
‐Do you two wanna be alone?
53
00:03:02,315 --> 00:03:04,284
Yeah, but not necessarily
with each other.
54
00:03:04,317 --> 00:03:07,387
‐No, really, I can move.
‐I'll say you can.
55
00:03:09,355 --> 00:03:10,524
Pay no mind
to my friend here.
56
00:03:10,557 --> 00:03:12,559
He majored in crudeness
at med school.
57
00:03:12,593 --> 00:03:13,994
Med school?
Listen, before I was drafted,
58
00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:15,662
I was a transmission
mechanic.
59
00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:16,930
If you're free later
this afternoon,
60
00:03:16,963 --> 00:03:18,532
I'll be glad to put
you up on my lift.
61
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,235
Nurse Cutler,
report to my office!
62
00:03:22,268 --> 00:03:23,504
‐CUTLER: Now?
‐Now.
63
00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:25,506
Yes, sir.
I mean, yes, ma'am.
64
00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:26,907
Dismissed.
65
00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:28,274
Well, at least she
didn't have any trouble
66
00:03:28,308 --> 00:03:29,710
figuring out your sex.
67
00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:31,712
My sex is none
of your business.
68
00:03:31,745 --> 00:03:33,747
Just say the word.
69
00:03:33,780 --> 00:03:36,249
You stay away
from my nurses!
70
00:03:36,282 --> 00:03:37,851
They're off limits to you.
That's an order!
71
00:03:37,884 --> 00:03:39,686
I think she's trying
to tell us something.
72
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:41,522
You can forget
about Nurse Cutler.
73
00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:44,691
‐I'll see to that.
‐That's your basic Hot Lips.
74
00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:46,527
I knew a girl like her
back in my hometown.
75
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:47,661
Her name was Rover.
76
00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:50,964
Well, look, pal,
I don't know about you,
77
00:03:50,997 --> 00:03:52,866
but twelve straight hours
of surgery has me whipped.
78
00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:54,701
I'm gonna sack out
for a few weeks.
79
00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:56,537
My very thought.
80
00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:58,872
I'm so tired, my eyes
keep slamming shut.
81
00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:00,440
I'm going to check
on some X‐rays first,
82
00:04:00,473 --> 00:04:01,542
then I'll see you
back at the swamp?
83
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,710
Gotcha.
84
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:06,246
♪♪♪
85
00:04:51,457 --> 00:04:53,426
For me?
86
00:04:53,459 --> 00:04:55,295
Only if you'll put those on.
87
00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:58,532
That was a pretty
short nap, wasn't it?
88
00:04:58,565 --> 00:05:00,433
I thought you were
going to bed for a week.
89
00:05:00,466 --> 00:05:02,769
I was, but I didn't
say where, did I?
90
00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:04,605
What about you?
91
00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:06,573
This is strictly business.
I'm making a house call.
92
00:05:08,474 --> 00:05:09,676
It must be obvious
93
00:05:09,710 --> 00:05:11,612
even to a moral
defective like yourself
94
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:13,780
that we're both zeroed in
on the same girl.
95
00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:14,948
‐Right?
‐Right.
96
00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:16,016
Only I have
a solution.
97
00:05:16,049 --> 00:05:18,552
Ahem. We'll share her.
98
00:05:18,585 --> 00:05:20,554
One girl, two straws.
99
00:05:20,587 --> 00:05:23,023
You take the day watch,
and I'll take the night.
100
00:05:26,459 --> 00:05:27,828
Unpacking?
Let us help.
101
00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:29,129
We're awfully glad
you picked our unit.
102
00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:30,831
We're not as large
as some of the others,
103
00:05:30,864 --> 00:05:32,633
‐but we are friendly.
‐Very friendly.
104
00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:34,801
Actually, we never met
a nurse we didn't like.
105
00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:36,837
‐Doctors, I‐‐
‐Look, why don't we give
this to the bell boy,
106
00:05:36,870 --> 00:05:38,104
and let us just
go down to the river
107
00:05:38,138 --> 00:05:39,540
and watch
the submarine races?
108
00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:40,874
I have a better idea.
109
00:05:40,907 --> 00:05:42,108
Why don't you
go down to the river
110
00:05:42,142 --> 00:05:43,744
and watch us wave
good‐bye to you.
111
00:05:43,777 --> 00:05:46,046
I am not unpacking.
112
00:05:46,079 --> 00:05:48,148
‐I'm packing.
‐All mixed up.
113
00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:49,883
Doesn't know whether
she's coming or going.
114
00:05:49,916 --> 00:05:51,151
Darling, packing
is for leaving.
115
00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:52,886
To stay, you have to "un".
116
00:05:52,919 --> 00:05:55,488
I've been transferred
to another unit.
117
00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:57,624
‐Transferred?
‐Major Houlihan says
118
00:05:57,658 --> 00:05:59,125
I'm a bit of a distraction.
119
00:05:59,159 --> 00:06:00,894
What a rotten thing to say!
120
00:06:00,927 --> 00:06:02,896
Yeah, you're an
incredible distraction.
121
00:06:02,929 --> 00:06:04,531
We're not giving you up.
122
00:06:04,565 --> 00:06:05,566
You're the best thing
to hit this place
123
00:06:05,599 --> 00:06:07,400
since dry socks.
124
00:06:07,433 --> 00:06:09,102
Well, what can I
do about it?
125
00:06:09,135 --> 00:06:12,072
You put yourself
in our hands.
126
00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:14,407
Actually, these go
on your legs...
127
00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:15,809
would 'twere
that I were they.
128
00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:32,693
‐Thank you, Radar.
‐Sign these, sir.
129
00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:36,530
‐What are these?
‐Papers.
130
00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:38,699
‐Blank papers?
‐Yes, sir.
131
00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:40,701
‐Is that a good idea?
‐It's to cut down
on your workload.
132
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:43,870
You sign them now, later,
you don't have to bother.
133
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:46,540
But should I have really
signed blank papers?
134
00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:47,974
I can't answer that, sir.
135
00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:49,042
You're the one
that signed them.
I didn't.
136
00:06:49,075 --> 00:06:50,711
‐(phone ringing)
‐Hold on, Radar.
137
00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:52,045
I'm not going to sign
blank pieces of paper.
138
00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:54,047
4077 MASH.
139
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,716
I don't even know
what I'm signing
when they're not blank.
140
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:57,183
Oh, hi. Uh‐huh.
141
00:06:57,217 --> 00:06:59,720
Papers, double‐talk.
Sign this, sign that.
142
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:02,723
Pretty good.
Well, it's a little rough
but we're not complaining.
143
00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:04,558
Could be signing it
for the next four years.
144
00:07:04,591 --> 00:07:05,559
Yeah, he's here.
It's for you.
145
00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:07,060
Blank paper!
Well, who is it?
146
00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:10,897
‐It's General Barker.
‐Who? General‐‐ Yes, sir!
147
00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:12,566
Oh, fine, General.
148
00:07:12,599 --> 00:07:14,901
A little rough, but, uh,
we're not complaining.
149
00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:17,904
Yes, sir. A what?
150
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:20,206
A boxing tournament?
151
00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:21,908
Well, sir, the main sport
in this outfit
152
00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:24,911
is avoiding calisthenics.
153
00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:28,582
No, sir. Yes, sir,
I'll do my best.
154
00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:30,016
Uh, will that be all, General?
155
00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:31,217
‐Say good‐bye for me.
‐Hmm?
156
00:07:31,251 --> 00:07:32,519
Say good‐bye for me?
157
00:07:32,553 --> 00:07:35,088
Oh, uh, Radar says
to say, uh‐‐
158
00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:36,890
Uh, good‐bye, General.
159
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:40,761
I have enough to do.
160
00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:44,598
Well, well, Dr. Jekyll
and Dr. Jekyll.
161
00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:46,232
Henry, we gotta
ask you something.
162
00:07:46,266 --> 00:07:48,869
‐Answer's no.
‐Don't you wanna know
what it is?
163
00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:52,673
Whatever it is, even if
the answer's yes, it's no.
164
00:07:52,706 --> 00:07:55,241
Hot Lips has transferred
Lt. Margie Cutler,
165
00:07:55,275 --> 00:07:57,611
one of our most dedicated
and best‐built nurses.
166
00:07:57,644 --> 00:07:59,245
Now, hold it right there.
167
00:07:59,279 --> 00:08:00,781
Major Houlihan
is in complete charge
of the nursing staff,
168
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,883
and I can't interfere.
169
00:08:02,916 --> 00:08:06,152
The young lady happens
to be a sensational
surgical assistant.
170
00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:08,121
‐She's got two of the best...
‐I'm sure.
171
00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:12,593
hands I've ever seen.
Don't let her go, Henry.
172
00:08:12,626 --> 00:08:14,595
Real talent in
the operating room
is hard to find.
173
00:08:14,628 --> 00:08:17,263
I know.
174
00:08:17,297 --> 00:08:20,967
If you say no,
we'll tell everybody that
your brother's in jail.
175
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:22,869
My brother is a warden!
176
00:08:22,903 --> 00:08:25,639
We won't say
that part.
177
00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:27,641
Now lay off!
178
00:08:27,674 --> 00:08:30,911
Haven't I got enough static
with General Barker on my back?
179
00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:32,913
‐What's he want?
‐Yeah, maybe we can help.
180
00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:35,982
No, you can't help.
181
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:37,851
I mean, there's nothing
that you could contribute
182
00:08:37,884 --> 00:08:39,285
to this particular problem.
183
00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:41,822
‐Ah! I detect a gleam.
‐I heard a loud click.
184
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:43,890
Yeah, one could almost
see the light bulb
over his head.
185
00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:45,559
Come on, speak, Henry.
Speak. What is it?
186
00:08:45,592 --> 00:08:46,660
Yeah?
187
00:08:46,693 --> 00:08:47,728
Okay.
188
00:08:47,761 --> 00:08:49,229
General Barker
is all hot
189
00:08:49,262 --> 00:08:51,598
about this inter‐unit
boxing tournament.
190
00:08:51,632 --> 00:08:54,200
‐Yeah?
‐And he wants us
to put up a boxer.
191
00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:56,302
(laughing)
Now, that's funny.
192
00:08:56,336 --> 00:08:58,304
Maybe we could make one
out of spare parts.
193
00:08:58,338 --> 00:09:01,575
He's serious,
and he's giving me
a bad time about it.
194
00:09:01,608 --> 00:09:03,810
Yeah, so why don't you get
whoever fought last year?
195
00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:05,812
I can't. She's gone.
196
00:09:07,313 --> 00:09:10,283
Anyway, Barker's
got this boy,
197
00:09:10,316 --> 00:09:11,284
thinks he can win
the championship.
198
00:09:11,317 --> 00:09:12,886
‐Yeah.
‐So?
199
00:09:12,919 --> 00:09:14,755
So, he's bringing him here
for his first fight.
200
00:09:14,788 --> 00:09:16,022
Mm‐hmm.
201
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:19,693
Now, if, uh,
one of you two guys
202
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:23,196
would say, uh,
go three rounds with him,
203
00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:24,631
I'll see what I can do
204
00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:25,732
about getting
Nurse Cutler back for ya.
205
00:09:25,766 --> 00:09:28,769
(laughing)
206
00:09:30,336 --> 00:09:32,873
‐See ya around, Henry.
‐Yeah.
207
00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:34,340
You sure?
208
00:09:34,374 --> 00:09:35,909
Yeah, oh, I think
we'll just find something
209
00:09:35,942 --> 00:09:37,578
nice and easy to do,
like shagging shells.
210
00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:42,716
Ah, just a thought.
211
00:09:42,749 --> 00:09:44,885
(laughter)
212
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:45,852
Some war.
213
00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:49,690
(laughing)
214
00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:00,200
Bye, doctors.
215
00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:09,175
Thanks a lot,
Hot Lips.
216
00:10:10,877 --> 00:10:13,279
‐Hey, do that again.
‐What?
217
00:10:13,313 --> 00:10:15,782
‐Smack your fist.
‐You mean that?
218
00:10:15,816 --> 00:10:17,383
It hurts my ears.
What a punch!
219
00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:19,753
‐Save it.
‐Save what?
220
00:10:19,786 --> 00:10:21,421
Don't hustle me,
'cause I'm not
fightin' anybody.
221
00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:23,757
Oh, that's a shame.
I bet you're a natural.
222
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:26,026
I fought in school.
As a matter of fact,
I was very good.
223
00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:27,928
‐There, I knew it!
‐But I'm not in shape!
224
00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:29,763
Who says you're not
in shape?
225
00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:31,765
You got a cute body.
226
00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:34,400
I've seen guys sneaking peeks
at you at calisthenics.
227
00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:38,438
Which guys are
sneakin' peeks at me?
228
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:41,708
I'd rather not say.
Some of them are married.
229
00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:46,980
Look, stop snowing me.
230
00:10:47,013 --> 00:10:48,749
‐You fight him.
‐I'd love to.
231
00:10:48,782 --> 00:10:50,751
I was on the boxing team
in college, too.
232
00:10:50,784 --> 00:10:52,285
‐Oh, yeah?
‐Yeah, but I, uh,
233
00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:54,220
I threw my‐‐ I threw
my shoulder out.
234
00:10:54,254 --> 00:10:56,790
It never came back.
235
00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:58,792
Actually, I'm in pain
most of the time.
236
00:10:58,825 --> 00:11:00,426
I don't like to
burden my friends.
237
00:11:00,460 --> 00:11:04,698
Look, do we wanna get
Nurse Cutler back or not?
238
00:11:04,731 --> 00:11:06,266
‐Yes.
‐All right, okay.
239
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:15,308
You really got
a bad shoulder?
240
00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:16,977
(sighs)
241
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:18,411
The result of being spineless.
242
00:11:22,115 --> 00:11:23,950
So wait a minute,
I don't know about this, doc.
243
00:11:23,984 --> 00:11:25,485
What do you mean?
244
00:11:25,519 --> 00:11:27,053
Well I mean, he's got
a manager and everything.
245
00:11:27,087 --> 00:11:28,855
‐I don't have...
‐Ah, come on, Radar!
246
00:11:28,889 --> 00:11:31,992
It's just a little sparring.
Nobody's gonna get hurt.
247
00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:34,327
No, I'm not gonna do it.
Not for a lousy five bucks.
248
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,963
‐How about ten?
‐Pay up now?
249
00:11:39,499 --> 00:11:40,834
All right,
come on, now look,
250
00:11:40,867 --> 00:11:42,335
this is just
a practice fight.
251
00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:43,436
I want you to get loose.
252
00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:46,439
Just keep
dancing around.
253
00:11:48,374 --> 00:11:49,810
Keep your left up!
254
00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:53,446
Jab, jab, jab, Trap! Jab!
255
00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,218
He's just
loosening up now.
256
00:11:58,251 --> 00:11:59,185
You know,
he's gotta get in shape.
257
00:12:01,522 --> 00:12:04,891
Takes a while,
you know, to...
258
00:12:04,925 --> 00:12:06,793
get back in shape,
get your old stuff back.
259
00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:08,294
He's gotta get his
wind back and everything.
260
00:12:08,328 --> 00:12:10,997
I'll write his wife.
261
00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:14,500
Don't listen to him.
Just keep moving.
262
00:12:14,535 --> 00:12:15,468
Keep hanging in there.
263
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:19,472
Keep your left up. Up!
Up with the left.
264
00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:24,344
Move, Trapper.
Oh, hi, Father.
265
00:12:24,377 --> 00:12:28,515
I trained a number of boys
to box back home.
266
00:12:28,549 --> 00:12:30,016
Any advice for Trapper?
267
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:35,021
Prayer.
268
00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:38,959
I don't think he's got one.
269
00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:41,828
Thanks a lot, Father.
270
00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:48,969
Once again?
Double or nothing?
271
00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:51,437
A glass stomach?
272
00:13:08,555 --> 00:13:12,092
Let's go!
Kick those legs up!
273
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:15,929
Breathe deeply!
Come on, move it!
274
00:13:15,962 --> 00:13:18,098
I'm tired, Hawkeye.
How far have I run?
275
00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:21,935
‐30 feet.
‐That'll do it.
276
00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:24,470
I'm going to punch him,
not run him to death.
277
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:34,447
HAWKEYE:
Now put more shoulder into it.
Use your whole body.Try it again, try it again.
278
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:35,582
Oh, morning, Major.
279
00:13:37,217 --> 00:13:39,252
Good morning, Captain.
280
00:13:39,285 --> 00:13:40,854
I'm afraid I can't
ask you to stay.
281
00:13:40,887 --> 00:13:42,288
My boy's in training,
282
00:13:42,322 --> 00:13:43,289
and he's not even supposed
to look at a woman
283
00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:44,925
till after the fight.
284
00:13:44,958 --> 00:13:47,961
Oh. Oh, I understand.
285
00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:53,967
Just a minute.
Isn't that Frank's bag?
286
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:55,569
I thought you
were Frank's bag.
287
00:13:58,104 --> 00:13:59,072
Ugh!
288
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:12,485
How's it going?
289
00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:14,320
We decided to have
a victory drink now,
290
00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,923
just in case there's
no need to later.
291
00:14:16,957 --> 00:14:18,324
Care to join us?
292
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:21,327
Oh, yeah.
293
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:24,464
Anything wrong?
294
00:14:24,497 --> 00:14:27,300
Uh, General Barker just
pulled in with his fighter.
295
00:14:27,333 --> 00:14:30,103
‐Looks real big.
‐How big?
296
00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:34,007
If he wanted to,
he could be a platoon.
297
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:35,308
Looks kinda mean, too.
298
00:14:35,341 --> 00:14:36,610
Mean?
299
00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:44,918
What does "mean" mean?
Mean means nothing.
300
00:14:44,951 --> 00:14:46,486
It's skill that counts.
301
00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:48,154
Big and mean have nothing
to do with fighting ability.
302
00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:51,291
A guy told me that
he was crossing the road,
303
00:14:51,324 --> 00:14:54,294
and this jeep came
too close to him.
304
00:14:54,327 --> 00:14:57,063
He punched it.
305
00:14:57,097 --> 00:14:58,264
He punched a jeep?
306
00:14:58,298 --> 00:15:00,567
He knocked it out.
307
00:15:00,601 --> 00:15:03,369
Hawkeye, this guy
knocks out jeeps!
308
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:05,972
Showboat. Come on.
309
00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:25,692
I'll tell you one thing,
you're not getting into
the ring with that guy
310
00:15:25,726 --> 00:15:27,393
until I hear him speak.
311
00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:31,064
This fight
has just been called
on account of chicken.
312
00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:33,399
We are not going to
throw in the towel.
313
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:35,636
I'm ready to throw in
a whole laundry truck.
314
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:45,712
This ape will never
lay a glove on you.
315
00:15:45,746 --> 00:15:47,714
Trust me.
316
00:15:47,748 --> 00:15:49,716
You won't even
have to touch him.
317
00:15:49,750 --> 00:15:51,552
I'll go down during
the instructions.
318
00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:54,688
A little obvious.
319
00:15:56,356 --> 00:15:58,391
I got a better idea.
Come on.
320
00:16:03,564 --> 00:16:05,599
I don't think
I wanna risk my life
321
00:16:05,632 --> 00:16:07,500
on a dumb trick like this.
322
00:16:07,534 --> 00:16:09,570
I know what I'm doing.
323
00:16:09,603 --> 00:16:12,105
I pulled this same
stunt in university.
324
00:16:12,138 --> 00:16:13,439
Use more. Use a lot.
325
00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:15,676
I still say we should
use a horseshoe.
326
00:16:15,709 --> 00:16:18,745
A horseshoe is gauche.
Ether is subtle.
327
00:16:18,779 --> 00:16:21,748
Then let's dip
the horseshoe in ether.
328
00:16:21,782 --> 00:16:23,383
Right.
329
00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:25,619
Now, the thing you gotta do,
Trapper, is you gotta jab.
330
00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:27,287
Right? Keep jabbing.
331
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:28,689
Jab, jab, jabbing. Right?
332
00:16:28,722 --> 00:16:30,456
Six, seven whiffs,
he'll be out cold.
333
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:32,025
‐Great.
‐Right?
334
00:16:32,058 --> 00:16:33,459
And the thing to remember
335
00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,128
is not to get it near
your own hooter, right?
336
00:16:35,161 --> 00:16:36,530
Don't get it near
your own nose or you're dead.
337
00:16:36,563 --> 00:16:38,131
Get him in a clinch, right?
338
00:16:38,164 --> 00:16:39,766
That's it. That's it.
Get him in a clinch.
339
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:41,467
‐And just hold it there.
‐Hold it right in his nose.
340
00:16:41,502 --> 00:16:43,136
Get him in a clinch
so he can't move.
341
00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:44,771
‐How is the guy gonna‐‐
‐He's gonna inhale it.
342
00:16:44,805 --> 00:16:46,172
He'll never know
what hit him.
343
00:16:46,206 --> 00:16:47,541
Just keep it right there
at his nose.
344
00:16:47,574 --> 00:16:49,442
Keep him in the clinch,
so he can't move.
345
00:16:49,475 --> 00:16:50,644
And all he can do then is...
346
00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:55,281
Way to go, champ!
347
00:16:55,315 --> 00:16:57,784
HENRY: Third round,
Sugar Ray breaks
the man's face.
348
00:16:57,818 --> 00:16:59,219
HAWKEYE:
You're kidding.
349
00:16:59,252 --> 00:17:00,787
He broke his nose,
broke his jaw, antrums,
350
00:17:00,821 --> 00:17:02,488
ethmoid, sinuses,
the guy's a mess.
351
00:17:02,523 --> 00:17:04,324
Gentlemen, may I join you?
352
00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:05,659
Please, Frank,
not while we're eating.
353
00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:08,328
‐What kidders.
‐Well, what happened?
354
00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:10,330
‐The guy never went down.
‐He never went down?
355
00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:11,331
Ten‐hut!
356
00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:13,366
BARKER:
As you were.
357
00:17:13,399 --> 00:17:16,369
McIntyre, I don't
believe you've met
Sergeant Flacker.
358
00:17:22,843 --> 00:17:25,178
Easy.
359
00:17:25,211 --> 00:17:27,180
Me, doctor.
360
00:17:27,213 --> 00:17:28,515
Need hands...
361
00:17:28,549 --> 00:17:29,516
operate.
362
00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:34,521
Hey, Henry, can we
rustle up some steaks
363
00:17:34,555 --> 00:17:36,823
‐for the sergeant, huh?
‐Oh, yes, sir.
364
00:17:36,857 --> 00:17:38,659
Good. Come on.
Come on, boy.
365
00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:42,362
You better hurry up, Henry.
366
00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:44,097
He looked at your arm
like it was an hors d'oeuvre.
367
00:17:44,130 --> 00:17:47,701
Yeah, Dittsbury,
you wanna go out
and get Flacker a cow?
368
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:50,203
Listen, are you sure that
Nurse Cutler's worth it?
369
00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:52,372
I mean, I really don't
want you to get hurt.
370
00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:54,207
Hurt?
371
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:55,542
What would you say,
Henry, if I told you
372
00:17:55,576 --> 00:17:57,343
that Trapper is
gonna win that fight?
373
00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:05,719
All right, okay.
Down, Henry, down.
374
00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:07,854
I'm sorry!
375
00:18:07,888 --> 00:18:10,757
But you mean Trapper
beat that gorilla?
376
00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,396
That's ether.
377
00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:18,231
A little louder, Frank.
The cook didn't hear you.
378
00:18:19,533 --> 00:18:21,568
Well, it's not very ethical.
379
00:18:21,602 --> 00:18:23,570
It's not even moral,
but we're in a war zone.
380
00:18:23,604 --> 00:18:26,239
Yeah, well, I‐‐
I don't wanna know about it.
381
00:18:26,272 --> 00:18:29,475
I mean, I love it,
but I don't wanna
know about it.
382
00:18:29,510 --> 00:18:31,244
(murmuring)
383
00:18:31,277 --> 00:18:33,379
(cheering)
384
00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:43,924
(crowd booing)
385
00:18:43,957 --> 00:18:45,892
Where is it?
You sure you've got it?
386
00:18:45,926 --> 00:18:47,427
It's in the bucket.
387
00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:48,595
I'll put it on right
after the introductions.
388
00:18:48,629 --> 00:18:50,196
Just make sure
you use enough.
389
00:18:50,230 --> 00:18:51,732
I don't want
this guy wakin' up
390
00:18:51,765 --> 00:18:54,167
until after I've been
a civilian a few years.
391
00:18:56,870 --> 00:18:58,271
Did you get it?
392
00:18:58,304 --> 00:19:00,240
Nothing but pure
distilled water.
393
00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:03,910
Say, you wouldn't be averse
to laying a small bet
394
00:19:03,944 --> 00:19:05,612
on the outcome,
would ya, Henry?
395
00:19:05,646 --> 00:19:07,247
‐No, sir.
‐What do ya say to
a hundred?
396
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:08,782
‐Dollars?
‐Yes.
397
00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:10,183
‐You got it.
‐Good!
398
00:19:14,220 --> 00:19:16,456
Good evening,
and welcome
399
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:18,725
to the inter‐camp
boxing tournament.
400
00:19:18,759 --> 00:19:21,461
Introducing the contestants.
401
00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:23,263
In this corner,
402
00:19:23,296 --> 00:19:27,300
representing the 3099th
Mobile Army Hospital,
403
00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:30,637
weighing 260 pounds,
404
00:19:30,671 --> 00:19:34,941
with a record of 97 wins,
no losses,
405
00:19:34,975 --> 00:19:38,745
and three arrests,
Sergeant "Killer" Flacker!
406
00:19:38,779 --> 00:19:40,614
(crowd booing)
407
00:19:43,517 --> 00:19:45,285
BARKER:
Hooray!
408
00:19:46,887 --> 00:19:48,955
And in this corner,
409
00:19:48,989 --> 00:19:52,492
representing
the fighting 4077th,
410
00:19:52,526 --> 00:19:55,829
weighing 175 pounds,
411
00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:57,664
all of it heart,
412
00:19:57,698 --> 00:19:59,299
Kid Doctor!
413
00:19:59,332 --> 00:20:02,235
(cheers and applause)
414
00:20:08,374 --> 00:20:10,977
All right, fellas,
I want a good, clean fight.
415
00:20:11,011 --> 00:20:13,680
TRAPPER:
Who doesn't?
416
00:20:13,714 --> 00:20:15,516
MULCAHY:
No low blows, no holding,
417
00:20:15,549 --> 00:20:16,817
no rabbit punches,
no kidney punches.
418
00:20:16,850 --> 00:20:18,685
Sounds like
a dull evening.
419
00:20:18,719 --> 00:20:19,986
Go back to your corners,
420
00:20:20,020 --> 00:20:21,988
and when you hear the bell,
come out fighting.
421
00:20:22,022 --> 00:20:23,690
And may the best man win.
422
00:20:23,724 --> 00:20:25,659
(crowd murmuring)
423
00:20:33,399 --> 00:20:35,569
You be careful
you don't breathe in
any of this stuff yourself.
424
00:20:37,738 --> 00:20:39,239
Keep the glove away.
425
00:20:47,581 --> 00:20:48,582
(bell dings)
426
00:20:50,584 --> 00:20:52,886
HAWKEYE:
Get up in his face!
427
00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:54,688
Get up in his face!
428
00:20:56,422 --> 00:20:58,892
Put the glove
in his face!
429
00:20:58,925 --> 00:21:00,894
Put it in his face,
for God's sake!
430
00:21:00,927 --> 00:21:02,796
Put the glove
in his face!
431
00:21:02,829 --> 00:21:04,531
Put it in his face!
432
00:21:04,565 --> 00:21:07,534
That's a pretty unorthodox style
your boy has there.
433
00:21:07,568 --> 00:21:09,770
Well, he's still on
his feet, isn't he?
434
00:21:09,803 --> 00:21:11,538
Maybe you'd like
to double that bet?
435
00:21:11,572 --> 00:21:14,440
‐If you insist, General.
‐Good.
436
00:21:14,474 --> 00:21:16,643
(crowd cheering)
437
00:21:19,445 --> 00:21:20,714
HAWKEYE:
Put the glove in his face!
438
00:21:20,747 --> 00:21:22,949
Put him in‐‐
Put him in a clinch!
439
00:21:22,983 --> 00:21:23,917
Put him in a clinch and‐‐
440
00:21:26,452 --> 00:21:28,488
Put it up in there!
441
00:21:28,522 --> 00:21:32,626
What's he doing?
What's he doing?
Get it in his face!
442
00:21:32,659 --> 00:21:37,564
Get it up in his face!
Get it up in his face!
443
00:21:39,399 --> 00:21:41,768
Stick it in his face!
What's a matter with you?
444
00:21:49,475 --> 00:21:51,545
‐Give it some‐‐
‐Come on!
445
00:21:55,616 --> 00:21:57,083
WOMAN:
Get up! Get up!
446
00:21:57,117 --> 00:21:58,619
HAWKEYE:
Get up, Trap!
447
00:21:58,652 --> 00:22:03,790
‐Trap, get up! Come on!
‐One, two, three!
448
00:22:03,824 --> 00:22:06,527
Hello, Hawkeye.
What are you doing
at the prom?
449
00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:09,963
We've been had!
Somebody switched
bottles on us.
450
00:22:09,996 --> 00:22:12,365
You stall him.
I'll be right back.
451
00:22:12,398 --> 00:22:14,635
‐MULCAHY: Eight!
‐No, you stall him.
452
00:22:14,668 --> 00:22:17,771
‐I'll be right back.
‐Go!
453
00:22:29,182 --> 00:22:30,984
Oh, no!
454
00:22:31,017 --> 00:22:32,653
‐MULCAHY: One! Two!
‐Get up! Get up!
455
00:22:32,686 --> 00:22:34,655
Get up, Trap!
Trap, get up! Come on!
456
00:22:34,688 --> 00:22:37,490
‐Three! Four!
‐Get up! Get up! Get up!
Pull yourself up!
457
00:22:37,524 --> 00:22:39,726
‐Five!
‐Get up!
458
00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:40,961
(bell rings)
459
00:22:44,030 --> 00:22:46,533
You're okay, you're okay.
You're okay.
460
00:22:49,169 --> 00:22:52,506
‐Where am I?
‐You're right here
in the ring.
461
00:22:52,539 --> 00:22:55,909
Now for the big question.
Who am I?
462
00:22:55,942 --> 00:22:57,878
Everything is
gonna be all right.
463
00:23:00,113 --> 00:23:01,848
Don't waste any time.
464
00:23:01,882 --> 00:23:04,484
Get him in a clinch
and stick this
right in his face.
465
00:23:04,518 --> 00:23:06,787
‐Whose face?
‐(bell rings)
466
00:23:06,820 --> 00:23:08,555
‐WOMAN: Come on, come one!
‐MAN: Let's fight!
467
00:23:11,525 --> 00:23:13,126
HAWKEYE:
Get him in a clinch!
468
00:23:13,159 --> 00:23:14,761
That's it! Hug him!
469
00:23:16,196 --> 00:23:18,699
Get him in a cl‐‐
that's it!
470
00:23:18,732 --> 00:23:20,567
Stick it in his face!
Get it‐‐
471
00:23:21,802 --> 00:23:23,003
That's it! That's it!
472
00:23:23,036 --> 00:23:24,571
‐(sniffing)
‐That's good!
473
00:23:25,706 --> 00:23:26,673
Ha ha! That's‐‐
474
00:23:30,210 --> 00:23:33,614
‐Aah!
‐(crash)
475
00:23:33,647 --> 00:23:35,882
‐(crowd cheering)
‐(Houlihan screaming)
476
00:23:35,916 --> 00:23:40,554
One, two, three,
477
00:23:40,587 --> 00:23:43,456
‐four, five,
‐Aah!
478
00:23:43,489 --> 00:23:46,727
six, seven,
479
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:51,197
eight, nine, ten.
480
00:23:51,231 --> 00:23:53,066
(bell rings)
481
00:23:53,099 --> 00:23:54,568
♪♪♪
482
00:23:54,601 --> 00:23:55,936
We did it!
483
00:24:06,046 --> 00:24:08,214
‐How does it feel?
‐Hard to see through. Yeah, well I couldn't
get a prescription steak.
484
00:24:08,248 --> 00:24:11,251
‐You wanna martini?
‐My very thought.
485
00:24:11,284 --> 00:24:14,087
Oh, here's something
for both eyes.
486
00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:16,089
Gentlemen, well,
487
00:24:16,122 --> 00:24:17,591
you lived up to
your part of the deal,
488
00:24:17,624 --> 00:24:19,192
and I have lived up to mine.
489
00:24:20,961 --> 00:24:22,195
Keep moving
or you're dead.
490
00:24:27,668 --> 00:24:30,170
It's true.
You fought for me.
491
00:24:30,203 --> 00:24:31,505
That's right.
492
00:24:31,538 --> 00:24:33,239
I must say,
I'm impressed.
493
00:24:33,273 --> 00:24:35,642
‐Well, I should hope so.
‐Hey, I managed him, you know.
494
00:24:35,676 --> 00:24:37,511
Does it hurt?
495
00:24:37,544 --> 00:24:39,780
Not a lot. No.
I laid out his training
and everything.
496
00:24:39,813 --> 00:24:41,615
You think it's easy
planning strategy
497
00:24:41,648 --> 00:24:43,116
and everything,
and standing in the corner
498
00:24:43,149 --> 00:24:44,785
wondering if
he'll ever come home?
499
00:24:44,818 --> 00:24:46,286
I would‐‐ I would
have fought myself,
500
00:24:46,319 --> 00:24:48,789
but I, uh, I had this
shoulder injury in college,
501
00:24:48,822 --> 00:24:51,625
and it never got better
502
00:24:51,658 --> 00:24:53,627
I, uh...
503
00:24:53,660 --> 00:24:55,161
I try not to burden
my friends with it,
504
00:24:55,195 --> 00:24:56,830
uh, actually.
505
00:24:56,863 --> 00:24:58,632
TRAPPER:
Here, put this
on your shoulder.
506
00:24:58,665 --> 00:25:00,100
It'll help.
507
00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:09,776
♪♪♪ (theme)
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