All language subtitles for MASH.S01E01.MASH.the.Pilot.WEBRip.x264-ION10

(man singing "My Blue Heaven"
in Korean)

(no audible dialogue)

(pop)

Fore!

Here they come!

‐I don't hear nothing.
‐Wait for it.

(helicopter blades whirring)

♪♪♪ (theme)

Attention, all personnel.

Report immediately
to admitting ward

and operating room.

Attention, all personnel.

Report immediately
to admitting ward

and operating room.

This guy's
got a rapid pulse!

He's in shock!
Get him down there!

We'll work on him
first aid! Let's go!

Dear Dad. Hawkeye here.

You said I sounded
a bit callous about my job

in my last letter.

Well, let me see if I
can put it another way.

At this particular
mobile Army hospital,

we're not concerned
with the ultimate
reconstruction

of the patient.

We only care about
getting the kid

out of here alive enough

for someone else to put
on the fine touches.

We work fast
and we're not dainty

because, uh,
a lot of these kids

who can stand two hours
on the table

just can't stand
one second more.

We try to play par surgery
on this course.

"Par" is a live patient.

Clamp.

Clamp.

I'll debride the wound,

then we'll go in
after the spleen, okay?

‐Okay.
‐Hey, Dish, look,

clean that up
for us, will you?

Put some suction in there.
Give me a clamp.

‐Clamp.
‐Clamp.

Wanna play a little doctor
after we're finished?

Well, hurry.
I think we're losing him.

Hey, Red, give us a little
cross‐action here.

Put in a fix, will you?

Okay, give me a moment.

‐Everything under control?
‐Uh, yeah, fine.

But if you don't move,

I'm gonna have to cut
around your B‐cups.

I don't want a Kelly
clamp, Lieutenant!

But that's
what you asked for.

Well, give me what I want,
not what I asked for!

Hey, Ginger,
put a clamp on his mouth!

You can show us all
your diploma later, Frank.

That's enough, Captain.

Oh, clever.

I can see well enough.
Now give me a sponge.

I can't see a thing in here.

‐Give me the retractor.
‐Let me have a clamp.

‐Which retractor?
‐The big one.

Hey, come on, get your
seams straight, Scorch.

‐Gimme a clamp.
‐Clamp.
‐Here you go.

Hi.

Pierce, hold on!

Oh, lay off, Frank.

I just had a hard day
at the office.

Your conduct in there was not
only unbecoming in an officer,

it was equally reprehensible
as a medical man!

Frank, I happen
to be an officer

only because I foolishly
opened an invitation

from President Truman to
come to this costume party.

And as for my ability
as a doctor,

if you seriously
question that,

I'm afraid I'll just have
to challenge you to a duel.

Swords or pistols?

I was thinking of specimen
bottles, at 20 paces.

There are ladies present.

Oh, sorry, baby.

"Major," to you.

Why, sorry, Major, baby.

You're both a disgrace
to this outfit.

Aw, come on, Frank!

We've all had
12 straight hours

of meatball surgery
in there.

My brain is sending me
urgent rest telegrams.

You must be tired, too,
after all that malpractice

you put in.

‐You're dismissed.
‐Thanks, Mother.

We gotta get up early anyway
and fix MacArthur's hernia.

Come on, Mary.

Some nurse this guy had.
Whoo!

Oh, yeah. Was that
the one with the, uh‐‐

Yeah, yeah, right.
The one I was
tellin' you about.

‐Hi, Ho‐Jon.
‐Hi.

She came to me once
with a sore throat.

She didn't mind my
examining her tonsils,

but she didn't
understand why she had
to take off her clothes.

That's a woman
all over.

Best place
for 'em to be.

Ho‐Jon.

Night, guys.

I've left a call for 1967.

Oh, yeah.
Thanks, Ho‐Jon.

Hey, thanks.

Oh, finest kind.

Just like Mother
used to make.

You know, we gotta
do it someday‐‐

throw away all the guns

and invite all the jokers
from the North and the South

in here to a
cocktail party.

Last man standing on his feet
at the end wins the war.

You guys got mail.

Here's Hawkeye.

‐Trapper.
‐I don't feel like mail.

Go ahead. Open it.

They can't
draft you again.

Bad news from my wife.
She still loves me.

Would you believe this?

She still thinks
I got sent to Korea

as part of some secret
plot to cheat on her.

‐Well, didn't you?
‐Yeah,

but how did she figure it out?

Hey, Ho‐Jon!
Come here.

Sit down.

I got a letter
from Dean Lodge.

Is that a good
place to stay?

Ha ha. He's the head
of my alma mater.

Listen to this.

"Dear Hawkeye...
as Dean of the college,

I naturally remember
you very well."

After my first autopsy,
I mailed him a nervous system.

"Your request to enter
the Korean boy Ho‐Jon

"seems one of your
nobler gestures,

"and since his academic record
meets our requirements,

"we will be pleased to
accept him this fall,

"provided you can
get him here,

"and also send me $1,000
tuition before the 15th.

"It was good
hearing from you.

"If you do to the Army,
what you did to this college,

America is finished."
Ha ha.

"Yours sincerely,"
et cetera, et cetera.

‐Hot dog!
‐(laughing)

Hey, that's terrific!

How can I ever
thank you?

You just go back there

and become the best
possible you you can.

‐I go tell my folks.
‐Okay.

(sighs)

Where are we
gonna get $1,000?

It's more like 2,000,
you know,

with transportation and
clothing and everything.

He can stay with my parents,
so there's no problem there.

(indistinct muttering)

Maybe we could
sell Spearchucker
while he's asleep.

Must be something
we can sell.

What does everybody
want here?

What...

what do all these people want
more than anything else?

To go home, or, uh, Tokyo.
Whichever comes first.

What do they
really want?

Sex.

Ah.

Except for those
baseball perverts.

Let Radar
print up some tickets,

and you make up a sign.

Mind telling me what we're
gonna put on the sign?

All you can drink.
Ten bucks a head.

Giant door prize.

Weekend pass for two
in Tokyo.

Lucky winner
to share the company
of a gorgeous nurse.

You wanna raffle
off a nurse?

Is that what I said?

‐Yes, sir. ‐Radar!

Radar, don't do that.

Yes, sir, you wanted
to see me, sir?

Yes, but let me say
"I want to see you,"

before I see you.

Yes, sir.
You wanted to see these?

‐How did you know that?
‐That's why you called me.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, you wanted me
to take those, sir.

Yeah.

Captains Pierce and
McIntyre to see you, sir.

Show them in.

Men.

How are you, Henry?

How are you, Henry?

That's not what
you guys came to ask.

I mean, the last thing you
wanna know when you say

"How are you"
is how am I.

All right, Henry,
let's skip the gristle

and get right down
to the bone.

Now, what we want from you
is two weekend passes,

so we can raise
this tuition.

Yeah, what we wanna do
is raffle them off,

along with the company
of one of our nurses

whose heart and everything
else is in the right place.

Seems like
a good enough cause.

Why don't I trust you guys?

‐'Cause we're not trustworthy.
‐Yeah.

Yeah, maybe that's it.

How do I know
you're on the level?

Which nurse have you
conned into doing this?

Well, I haven't
approached her yet,

but there can be
only one choice.

A girl with a face
that doesn't quit.

A girl with so much body,

she should be continued
on the next girl.

‐TRAPPER: Lieutenant Dish.
‐HAWKEYE: Lieutenant Dish.

Lieutenant Dish'll
never agree to this.

HAWKEYE:
Oh, but she will

because inaccessible as
she is to everybody else

in this cruddy outfit,

she's putty in the
hands of a master.

Hawkeye, that
makes me crazy.

My lips were made
by Stradivarius.

Dish, I have to
ask you a favor.

DISH: How many times
must I tell you?

I'm engaged.

I'm engaged, too.

Think of me as
a dress rehearsal.

Always sneaking up on me.

Who sneaks up on you?

You really thrive
on rejection.

Hawkeye, I'm trying
to be faithful.

A girl can only
take so much.

Are we anywhere
near that point yet?

You said you wanted a favor.

Yeah, I'll tell you
after I finish my lunch.

Sickening.

Animals.

HAWKEYE: Here's $10
for Radar's ticket.

Ten dollars for
the Painless Pole.

And $10 for the
winning ticket.

Listen, you walk off
with this raffle,

we're gonna be able to sell
tickets to your lynching.

Don't worry about it.

How we doin'?

Uh, around 600.

A little short, you know.

Oh, well...

we haven't given everybody
a chance to contribute.

Hey, what are you
doing in Frank's gear?

Selling Nickel‐Nose
a ticket.

I know he wouldn't mind
if he were alive today.

What are you doin' there?

Oh, I just wanted to
borrow your Bible, Frank.

Since when are you
interested in the Bible?

I peeked at
the end, Frank.

The devil did it.

Shut up.
Get off of there.

Hey, don't get
physical, Frank.

You'll blow
your sainthood.

I've had just about as much
as I can stand from you two.

Between your‐your
snide remarks

and your corruption of Ho‐Jon,
and your‐your‐‐

You're turning this
place into a brothel!

‐Hey!
‐(indistinct yelling)

And a distillery!

Frank, I'm tellin' you,
you drop that gin mill

and your head's gonna
go in the shop.

Oh... um... listen guys.

I'm sorry. I didn't know
it was gonna break.

‐Oh, that's okay.
‐It's all right, Frank.

Don't worry about it.

Don't give it
another thought.

(Frank shouting indistinctly)

I thought he'd
never leave.

Henry, you have no idea
what it's like to share a tent

with a guy who thinks
he's all 12 Disciples.

Be that as it may, if I don't
do something about this,

Frank'll report it
to Hammond,

and he'll put
my butt in traction.

And get your feet
off my desk!

So I'm withdrawing
the weekend passes.

You can forget about the party
and raffle business tomorrow.

Oh, Henry, that's pretty
Regular Army of you,

‐isn't it? ‐It's just as well.

I have to go down and
see Hammond, in Seoul,

for a few days,
and I wasn't any too happy

about the party taking
place in my absence.

(woman singing "Happy Days
Are Here Again," in Korean)

♪ Happy days are
here again ♪

What's this?

Weekend passes
for the raffle.

When did he sign these?

When he thought he was
ordering a ton of ice cream.

Fudge ripple.

♪ Happy days are
here again ♪

MAN (over P. A.):
Attention, all personnel.

Both day and night shifts
will be confined to duty

in the admitting
ward tomorrow night.

All other activities
are canceled.

There will be no exceptions.

By order of the acting
commanding officer,

Major Frank Burns.

Captain, put that down.

♪ Happy days are here a‐‐ ♪

What do you say, buddy?

Morning, Frank.

Good morning.

Hey, Frank,
I'm glad you got here.

You wanna hear
something really wild?

Come here.

(groans)

What's the matter, Frank?

‐Frank's feeling
a little groggy.
‐Yeah.

He needs a little rest.

‐He's been so tense.
‐Yeah.

Sometimes rest is
the best medicine.

Here you go, Frank.

(humming "Brahm's Lullaby")

(muttering)

HAWKEYE:
What's that, Frank?

‐(muttering)
‐Okay, Frank.

Now let's see
that this patient

gets all the rest
he so badly needs.

I say he should be sedated
every hour on the hour.

(man singing "I'll Be
Down to Get You In a Taxi,
Honey" in Korean)

(chatter)

Oh, you look terrific.

‐Hiya, Ho‐Jon.
‐Hi.

Thank you.

‐Cheers.
‐Thank you.

You still haven't told me

how I get out of going
away with the winner.

Why do I get the funny feeling
it's going to be you?

You don't trust me.

Not since the first time

I found you hiding
in my sleeping bag.

‐May I have this shuffle?
‐Hmm.

(singing continues)

‐'Scuse me.
‐Oh!

Excuse me.
Father.

Captain Pierce!

I'm sorry, honey.
My dance card's all full.

‐Where is he?
‐Who?

You know very well who.

Major Burns, he's been
missing for hours.

Oh, I thought you'd heard.

Heard what?

Frank's gone over
to the enemy.

They offered him
$100 more a week

and a royalty
on bedpans.

When I find him,
you'll be under arrest.

It doesn't bother me.

My spies tell me

three companies
of Canadians

attacked Hill 55
about an hour ago.

By midnight, this place'll
be flooded with casualties.

Personally, I don't plan
to work if I'm busted.

Well, you tell that
to Major Burns.

Look, Hot Lips...

Why don't you stop worrying
about Elmer Gantry.

Grab yourself a partner and
give him a dancing physical.

(gasps)
Excuse me.

Excuse me.

You will live dangerously.

What can she do to us?

General Hammond, please.

Tell him
it's Major Houlihan.

Major Margaret Houlihan.

From Fort Benning.

Major Houlihan?

Excuse me.

‐Don't get up.
‐Yes, sir.

Frank.

(Man singing "Chattanooga
Choo‐choo" in Korean)

Frank.

(coughs)

Okay, Okay.
Calm down, everybody.

First of all,
I wanna announce that,

because of your
generosity and thirst,

we've raised over
1800 bucks tonight.

(cheers and applause)

And that means that
Ho‐Jon's college career

is off to a flying start.

(cheers and applause)

Go, team!
Fight, team!

Yay, team!

Put that man in traction.

And the next thing
I wanted to tell you

is to get out
your raffle tickets

because this is when the
whole thing hits the fan.

Frank!

And now, the incomparable
Lieutenant Dish.

(whistling, cheering)

Star of stage, screen,
and radiology,

will dip her sensuous
claw into the bowl

and pick the
lucky winner.

(chatter)

Here it is,
ladies and germs.

The name of
the fortunate man

who will spend a glorious
weekend for two in Tokyo

with the completely
edible Lieutenant Dish.

And the winner is...

Father John P. Mulcahy!

(cheers and applause)

Attention!

D‐‐

Do I understand that
the priest of this outfit

has just won a weekend
with a nurse, in Tokyo?

It's a prayer
come true.

Who are you?

Uh, Captain Benjamin
Franklin Pierce.

Who are you, Sarge?

What do you think
this star means?

You're Tinker Bell?

This is Brigadier
General Hammond,

chief medical officer
of the Seoul sector.

Oh, hi.

‐Which one here's McIntyre?
‐Yo!

You and Pierce are
both under arrest.

I'd like to get a
second opinion on that.

(groaning)

Uh, what's the charge,
General?

Breaking orders by
having this party.

And handing out
unauthorized passes.

‐(Frank groaning)
‐Uhh!

(imitating Peter Lorre)
The mummy strikes.

‐Major Burns, sir.
‐Hamilton.

Hot Lips.

BOTH: Hot Lips?

Those two!

They're ruining this war,
for all of us!

Get your MPs, Henry.
On the double!

Come on, Henry.

You two are going to
be court‐martialed.

‐In Tokyo? ‐San Francisco?

Right here is where
you'll be tried,

and right here is where
you'll serve your time.

Now get moving.
You're under arrest.

‐Oh, no, I'm afraid we
can't do that, General.
‐No.

‐It's a good idea, though.
‐Yeah, I like it.

‐I'd do the same
thing in his place.
‐Oh, sure.

‐You can't do what?
‐Listen.

‐What?
‐Wait for it.

Those helicopters
you're about to hear

are gonna be filled
with Canadians

who went to a different
party tonight.

(helicopter blades whirring)

Without us,
a lot of those kids

are not getting home
from that party.

Attention, all personnel.

Report immediately
to admitting ward

‐and operating room.
‐Now, General, look.

Hey, you can put us
in the clink after.

But right now,
we got a job to do,

and we're a little
short‐handed around here,

and we can use all
the help we can get.

By the way,
how are your hands?

‐Steady?
‐Well, I‐‐

Dirty nails. Come on.
Let's get ready, men.

(chatter)

I got it.
There it is.

Okay, let me
have the suture.

Suture, come on, let's go.

(overlapping chatter)

‐ Suture.
‐ Sponge.

‐Okay, we've got it.
‐Okay, let's‐‐

Ahem.

Well, I haven't put in
a stretch like that

for years, Henry.

Makes you remember

what you're all about,
doesn't it?

‐Ra‐‐
‐Yes, sir.

Damn it, Radar, how many
times must I tell you?

Yes, sir, I've alerted
the general's pilot, sir.

He's ready to take off
at any time.

Now, I want you to alert
the general's pilot

to be ready to
take off at any time.

‐And that's an order.
‐Henry,

those two maniacs
are the best surgeons

I've ever seen.

Made me feel like a
horse doctor in there.

Now, make sure
you don't lose 'em.

‐Not even to me.
‐Yes, sir.

Oh, you're not leaving now,
are you, sir?

Oh, I've got to get
back to the base, Henry.

Oh, I was hoping to give
you a box of your favorite‐‐

‐Cigars. ‐Cigars.

Ah, thank you, Henry.

Don't forget
what I said.

Hey, where's he goin'?
We're all set.

Forget it.
He was too impressed
to have you arrested.

We did it again.
Screwed up in reverse.

I keep telling you,
we got to give up

this preoccupation
with keeping people alive,

or we'll never get
out of here.

It's no use. We're doomed.

Maybe we should start
using rusty instruments.

Stop washing our hands.

Raise our prices.

Hey.

‐Hey.
‐Hi, there.

Couldn't help noticing you
in the operating room.

(chatter)

What do you mean,
too early in the morning?

I liked your work
with the sponge
this morning. Terrific.

FEMALE SINGER: ♪ My heart
will always be yours ♪

♪ For eternity ♪

Attention, attention.

The following personnel
are assigned

to the 4077 Mobile Army
Surgical Hospital:

Alan Alda...

Wayne Rogers...

McLean Stevenson...

Loretta Swit...

G. Wood...

Larry Linville...

Gary Burghoff...

Karen Philipp...

George Morgan...

Patrick Adiarte...

Timothy Brown...

Odessa Cleveland.