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- Hi, guys.
- Hi, honey.

Well, congratulate me. l got my grades.

4.0 average!

- [Tim] That's great, honey!
- [boys] Great. Alright.

Do you have any idea how
satisfying it is to get straight A's?

Sorry.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

This last month has been so horrible.

But now, next week,
all l have to do is relax.

That's it. You just
sit back and relax, honey.

- [telephone rings]
- Would you get that for me?

Well, heck! Why don't l get it?

Hello?

[deep voice] Yes, colonel,
it's me. Yeah.

l'm right here.
You don't have to yell at me.

lt's your dad. Uh-huh.
This weekend? Uh-huh.

They have frequent flier mileage
that's gonna expire.

They want to come this weekend.
You... l... What...?

Why don't l let Jill
tell you the good news?

You talk... He's your dad!

Hi, Daddy.

There's nothing that l would like more
than to have you visit, but l'm sick.

Yeah. [coughing]

Yeah. A head cold.
You know, cough. Flu.

l think l have an ear infection.
[sniffs]

Oh, yeah. l'm so sorry. [sniffs]

Oh, well, thank you.
l'm sure l'll feel better soon.

OK. Bye.

[exhales heavily]

- What?
- You lied to Grandpa.

- l didn't exactly lie.
- Well, then what exactly did you do?

There's a very good
explanation for this.

What is it?

l'm really burned out from school.
l need time for myself.

But if l told that to your grandpa,
it would have hurt his feelings.

So when we get older and
we don't want you to visit, can we lie?

Randy, when your father and l get older,

you won't have to lie
because you'll want to be around us.

We're gonna be just as cool
as we are right now. Right, Tim?

l'm dyin' here, aren't l?

All you're missing is the headstone.

- Well, hi-ho, good neighbor.
- Hi there, Wilson.

Did Al and Heidi find something
at your garage sale?

Oh, yes, indeed. l thought
you might be interested in this.

This is a handmade wooden throne.

lt's nice,

but if l'm sitting on a throne,
it's gonna be porcelain, my friend.

Hey, Wilson. l would love to
have this antique cheese whipper.

No fair. l saw it first.
l'll give you twice the asking price.

- l'll double that.
- Well, that brings us up to 80 cents.

l'm out.

Grandma's on the phone.
She wants to talk to you.

Thanks. Hi, Lillian.

No, Jill's not here. She's...

...out, you know,
buying stuff to nurse her cold.

What?

Oh, my God! That's horrible, Lillian.

How did it happen?

Oh, you... How are you doing?

Oh, boy!
This is horrible news, Lillian.

What can l do? Just tell...

Yeah. Go ahead and call all of them.
l'll have Jill call when she gets back.

OK. Bye.

- [Wilson] Tim, what happened?
- Jill's dad died.

Oh, Tim. l'm so sorry.

Oh, so am l. What... what happened?
Was the colonel sick?

- No. lt was a heart attack. Sudden.
- That's awful. Poor Jill.

l'll have to take the family to Texas.
You'll have to take care of Tool Time.

- Of course.
- See you, guys.

Boy, this really puts things
in perspective!

Yeah. Al, you take the cheese whipper.

- Oh, no, no. l couldn't possibly.
- No, really. l insist.

Wilson, we can't accept
this cheese whipper.

OK. Um... put her on that 6:30 a.m.
flight to San Antonio, alright?

Put it on my credit card and
she'll pick it up at the airport.

Good. That'll be fine. Thank you.

- Hi, sweetie.
- Hi.

What an incredible day l had!

l went to the modern art museum.

Then l met Patty for lunch.

We went shopping.
We got herbal wraps.

You cannot imagine how good l feel.

- Your mom called a little while ago.
- Oh, no. Let me guess.

She's mad because l wouldn't
let her come this weekend.

Honey...

What? ls something wrong?

...it's about your dad.

My dad what?

He... he had a heart attack
this morning.

He didn't make it, honey.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

He fell asleep in that old recliner
in the den and he never woke up.

He didn't suffer at all.

Heart attack!

l can't believe this,
l just talked to him, he sounded fine.

- l know.
- What about Mom? l should...

She's holding up real well.
She's holding up real well.

- [sobbing]
- l booked you on a morning flight, OK?

l'll tie-up the loose ends
and bring the boys.

- We'll head out tomorrow afternoon.
- [crying] OK. OK.

- Oh, no! Oh, no!
- lt's OK. l'll pack. Don't worry.

- l'll do...
- No. You don't understand.

Dad called and asked if he could visit.
l made up that story about being sick.

- How could l do that?
- You didn't know this would happen.

- You needed time for yourself.
- Don't you understand?

l could've seen him one more time.

l could've told him that l loved him.

The last thing that
l said to my father was a lie!

- Hey, hey, hey, hey...
- [whimpers]

Guys, you gotta get packed.
How's the ironing going?

[sighs]

Hey, you can wear a wide tie.

l can't believe we're never
gonna see Grandpa again.

Well, actually, we will get
a chance to see Grandpa one more time.

An open casket? Geez, that's gross!

Oh, just think of it like an open house.

Some people think viewing the body

gives them a chance to say
goodbye to the deceased once more.

- What if l don't want to look?
- No one's gonna make you look.

Nobody's gonna make me look.

Whoa! You know,
l just thought of something.

What if Mom had let Grandpa come here
for the weekend and it happened here?

Yeah. He used to sleep in my room.

He could've died in my bed!

Then you'd still have to sleep in it.

Of course, you know,
l'm sure Mom would flip the mattress.

Just knock it off!

You think this suit is too small?

No. Besides, it's real fashionable
to show five inches of bare leg.

l want to look good for the funeral.

Well, l got news for you...
Grandpa's gonna look more lifelike.

Grandpa just died.
Will you stop making jokes?

Gentlemen, come on, come on!

Take him upstairs. See if that
old brown suit of yours fits him.

- Need help with that collar?
- No, Dad.

l know how to iron for a funeral.
You just set the dial to ''stiff.''

- Randy?
- Yeah, Dad.

l don't know why
l'm making these stupid jokes.

lt's OK. Sometimes making jokes is
a way to deal with the loss of somebody.

That's how you grieve.
l did it at my dad's funeral.

Oh, yeah.

l mean, now that you talk about it,
l remember Aunt Rita's funeral.

You had some good jokes.
And you killed.

The truth is, in these situations, be
careful who you make the jokes around.

l know. l would never say
this kind of stuff around Grandma.

And make no jokes around your mom,
or Mark, or anybody sensitive.

Just do 'em around me.

Sorry we're late. Jill's plane
couldn't get clearance to land.

They kept circling the airport.

- Are you OK?
- Yeah, yeah. l'm OK.

But you with your flu
and your ear infection.

No, really. l feel much better.
Where's Mom?

Oh, she's back at the house
helping Robin and Carrie with the food.

This is Mr. Stillman,
the funeral director.

- Hello.
- My sisters Jill and Tracy.

Welcome to our newly remodeled chapel

featured in the June issue
of Mortuaries Illustrated.

Was that the swimsuit issue?

lt's gonna be a lovely service.
l know the colonel would have approved.

- Oh, did you know our father?
- We feel we know our guests in spirit.

Your guests? What is this?
The Bates Motel?

Come in my office when you're ready.

We'll talk about
what Dad will be wearing.

Oh, Jill, before l forget,
l want to give you this herbal medicine.

Now, you take two Echinacea,

one Goldenseal,
and a garlic pill twice a day.

Hi, girls. l... oh, Jill.

Mom.

How are you doing?

Oh, l'm better now that
all my girls are here.

You were staying home because you didn't
trust Robin and Carrie with the food.

Well, l finished all that
and l came down here.

You don't trust us
with the funeral arrangements?

lt's not that l don't trust you.
lt's just that l trust myself more.

How are you feeling, honey?
You look terrible.

- Actually, l'm much better.
- Jill, you always were a terrible liar.

lf you're sick, you're sick.

Would you girls mind if l
spend a moment with Jill?

Oh, sure. Sure, Mom.
You spend your moment with Jill.

We'll just go talk wardrobe
with Mr. Sunshine.

- Mom, how are you holding up?
- Oh, l'm hanging in there.

What about you? l hope all that
traveling wasn't too hard on you,

what with that flu
and your ear infection.

No, really, Mom.
l'm feeling much better now.

You know, you always had
a special place in your dad's heart.

l know. l know.

He was really looking forward
to that trip to see you.

- He was?
- Oh, yes.

But you were sick.
And, of course, he understood.

Now the irony is
that you made the trip to see him.

OK. Everything's ready for dinner.

l need someone to help
with the fruit salad.

- l'll help.
- No, you might still be contagious.

We don't want Mom to catch anything,
her resistance is low.

Guys, there's something
l have to tell you.

[sighs] l'm not really sick.

Yeah, right. You look like that and
you're gonna tell us you're not sick.

Always the martyr.
Here. Go sit down and rest.

- l can't believe this.
- Neither can l.

l keep thinking l'm gonna
come down these stairs

and see your father in front of the TV

yelling at those
''liberal Yankee newscasters!''

Mom, is there anything
that l can do for you?

Don't worry about me. You're
the one that we have to take care of.

You lie down right there and rest.
Why don't l make you some soup?

You're supposed to drink
lots of liquids.

Really, l'm feeling so much better.

Now, Jill,
l can take care of my daughter.

Now, you just stay right there.
And don't you lift a finger.

[door opens]

Oh, l'm so glad to see you.

Did you iron your shirts? l want you
to look good for the funeral tomorrow.

Come on, Mom, you've been through
enough. Let's not talk about the shirts.

Go into the kitchen and say hi
to your aunts and your grandma.

Are they still gonna pinch us even
though we're here for a funeral?

The sadder the occasion,
the harder the pinching.

See this scar?
My dad's funeral. Aunt Winnie.

She took a piece of my flesh
right off there.

[Tracy] Oh, look how you've grown!

[Brad] Ow!

- How are you doing?
- You won't believe what's going on.

Well, let me guess.

Your mom thinks you're sick,
so she's waiting on you.

- Tim, l have to tell her the truth.
- Now is not a good time.

Why?

lf she finds out you lied, it'll cast
a pall over the whole funeral.

l'm so glad you're here.

Did you fight in Korea with my grandpa?

- l would've been two years old.
- You would have been in the infantry?

''lnfant-try.''

You know, l'll always cherish
Daddy's nickname for me.

Nutcase?

He said it with such love.

Come on, everyone. Who has a story about
Colonel Patterson they'd like to share?

- Tim.
- Oh...

...remember the first time that Jill
brought me to meet him?

Oh, yeah. l remember that.

When Jill finally left us alone,
the colonel turned to me and said,

[deep voice] ''How much will it take for
you to turn around and never come back?''

Years later he gave
me the best compliment ever,

[deep voice] ''Son, ten grand!
That's my final offer!

You can't handle the truth!''

Dad was gruff,
but he always told it like it was.

Yes. Honesty was very important to him,
he instilled that in all his children.

Jill, would you
like to say a few words?

Oh, sure.

Yes, well, Dad was really...

There was this one time that we, uh...

l really don't want
to do this right now. Mom...

...can l talk to
you, privately, for a moment?

Poor thing.
She's a little under the weather.

Well... Then there
was the time the colonel

introduced my butt
to the business end of a bayonet.

Let me show you the puncture wound.

- Mom...
- Honey, you look so pale.

- This flu that's going around...
- Mom, it's not the flu.

Now, look, there's something
that l have to tell you.

l lied to Dad.

Oh, Jill, relax. He found out a long
time ago that you vote democrat.

No, Mom.

When Dad called to ask if you all
could come up and visit,

l said that l was sick.
l made that up.

You didn't want us to visit you?

No, Mom. lt just...
lt wasn't a good time.

l thought you'd understand, but l
didn't have the guts to say no to Dad!

Well, your father was not
an easy man to say no to.

Well, maybe not.

But now the last memory l have
of my father is lying to him.

What do you suppose would've
happened if you'd told him the truth?

l don't know! He probably
would've understood.

[chuckles] l don't think we're talking
about the same colonel.

Well, how do you think
he would've reacted?

He would've said,

''What do you mean you want time for
yourself? We'll be there at 0800

- and we're bivouacking in Brad's room.''
- That does sound like Dad.

He always had to have
everything his own way.

lt could be 20 below zero and he'd
still want the window open at night.

You remember when
he went in for his knee surgery?

Oh, yeah. He yelled at that surgeon
because the scalpel wasn't shiny enough.

Then he told the doctor to drop and give
him 20 on the operating room floor.

l guess Dad could be
kinda pushy sometimes.

He was pushy, he was stubborn,
he was hotheaded, and he drove me crazy.

And l miss him so much...

Oh, Mom.
l'm so sorry. l'm so sorry.

Now, Jill, you have always
been a wonderful daughter.

And the last thing your father
would want would be for you to...

...torture yourself
over a silly little fib.

- l love you, Mom.
- l love you too, honey.

l don't remember that picture of us.

- Which base was that taken at?
- Oh, that was Fort Hood.

That was the base
where Elvis was stationed.

- Dad knew Elvis?
- He was his commanding officer.

Who do you think Hound Dog
was written about?

Wait. ls this Army mule the
same one l'm holding in the picture?

Yes. That was your favorite, remember?

But it's all ratty. Why would Dad
hold onto it all of these years?

To remind him of you.

He always hated it
that you had to live so far away.

Oh, Mom...

Five years ago, your father took that
mascot and put it on top of the TV set.

And, ever since that time, Army has
beaten Navy every football game.

So l guess l was
kind of a good luck charm.

l guess you were.

Can l keep him?

l think your father would like that...

...provided you keep it
on top of the television set.

Deal.

- Mom?
- [Lillian] Huh?

You know, if you moved to Michigan,

you wouldn't have to be
so far away from us.

But l'd be far away from Tracy,
and Linda, and Carrie and Robin.

Exactly my point.

Oh, Jill, l'd love to be near you,

but l think it's too soon for me
to start making any changes.

OK.

Let's go in there and listen
to more happy memories of Dad.

OK.

So there l was getting strip-searched
by a colonel of the United States Army!

At that point l knew l was
a family member, l'll tell you that.

Boy, that guy had big hands! Woo!

The boys are in bed.
What are you doing?

l just finished my eulogy for tomorrow.

My sisters and l are each
gonna give a little speech.

Well, l'm sure yours'll be the best.

lt's not a contest, honey. We're just
gonna share our feelings about Dad.

The colonel was a
real great man, you know?

Yeah, he was.

You know, l thought l would
feel so much better

when l told Mom the truth, but...

...now l just feel sadder.

lt's understandable.
You're allowing yourself to grieve.

Yeah, l guess.

- You've been so great.
- [questioning grunt]

Oh, yeah.

You took care of
all the travel arrangements.

You took care of the boys.
You took care of me.

l did what l had to.
l didn't think twice about it, honey.

That's what makes it so wonderful.

That l can count on you
when l need you the most.

l'm just sorry you had to be reminded
of that fact on such a sad occasion.

Listen to you.
You're saying all the right things.

Enjoy it while you can.

l don't know where it's coming from.

But l'm sure it's not gonna last.