Original subtitles

MOM, DAD, LISTEN TO THIS.

[clearing throat]

"THE GREENVILLE COMMUNITY THEATER WILL BE HOLDING AUDITIONS TODAY

"FOR THEIR UPCOMING PRODUCTION OF THE MUSICAL, ZOO ANIMALS ON WHEELS.

"PRIOR SINGING, ACTING, AND DANCING EXPERIENCE A PLUS,

BUT NOT NECESSARY."

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

WELL, I'M NOT KRESKIN, BUT I THINK IT MEANS

YOU'RE ON THE VERGE OF EMBARRASSING US.

EXACTLY.

WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE INTERESTED IN ACTING, DEAR.

I'M NOT INTERESTED IN ACTING, MA.

I JUST HAVE THE URGE TO PERFORM ON STAGE IN AN ANIMAL COSTUME.

THERE'S A DIFFERENCE YOU KNOW.

CHRIS, WHY THIS SHOW?

IT SOUNDS A LITTLE...

WHAT'S THE WORD I'M LOOKING FOR?

STUPID.

DAD, ZOO ANIMALS ON WHEELS WAS THE TOAST OF BROADWAY.

IT WAS ANDREW TODD KELLER'S MASTERPIECE.

THE CONCEPT IS PURE GENIUS.

WHAT WOULD IT BE LIKE IF ZOO ANIMALS PUT ON ROLLER SKATES,

DANCED AROUND, AND SANG SONGS?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT DOES FOR AN AUDIENCE?

INSULTS THEIR INTELLIGENCE?

NO. IT UPLIFTS THEM.

IT MAKES THEM FEEL HAPPY AND ALIVE.

KIND OF LIKE A MOUNTAIN DEW COMMERCIAL.

I BETTER GET GOING.

MOM, DAD, I'M WALKING OUT OF HERE AS CHRIS,

BUT I MAY VERY WELL COME BACK AS CHRIS,

THE GUY WHO HAS A SMALL PART IN A LOCAL MUSICAL.

YOU THINK ABOUT THAT FOR A WHILE, OK?

�[Stand by R.E.M. playing]

[bicycle bell ringing]

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� NOW FACE NORTH

� THINK ABOUT DIRECTION

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� NOW STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU WORK �

� NOW FACE WEST

� THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� NOW FACE NORTH

� THINK ABOUT DIRECTION

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� NOW STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU WORK �

� NOW FACE WEST

� THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU ARE �

� SO STAND

[sighing] WOW.

EXCUSE ME, MISS.

UM, CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE THE AUDITIONS ARE BEING HELD FOR THE ZOO...

SHARON? CHRIS.

OH, MY GOD, I'M IN SHOCK.

HERE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST A NORMAL HOUSEWIFE,

AND ALL ALONG YOU HAD A SECRET JOB AS A JANITOR.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ORDERING SOME MORE URINAL PADS?

FOR YOUR INFORMATION, ASS,

I HAPPEN TO BE HEAD CHAIRPERSON OF THE GREENVILLE PLAYERS.

I'M ALSO LEAD ACTRESS IN THIS PRODUCTION.

SO WHAT WOULD THAT BE? THE ROLE OF THE TOWN WHORE?

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE ANYWAY?

5 SIMPLE WORDS, SHARON.

I'M HERE TO AUDITION...

MISSY.

YOU? AUDITION FOR A PLACE IN MY THEATER GROUP?

OH, I THINK YOU'VE BEEN BREATHING TOO MUCH NEWSPAPER INK, CHRIS.

CACKLE ALL YOU LIKE, MARGARET HAMILTON,

BUT I'M GONNA LAND A ROLE IN THIS PLAY.

OVER MY DEAD BODY.

�[piano playing] � 'CAUSE YOU'RE BORN

� FREE

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, POLICE CHIEF SHAFFER, VERY STIRRING.

OH, SORRY. I SCREWED UP THE 2ND VERSE.

I'M A LITTLE SMASHED.

THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU.

NEXT UP, UH, CHRIS PETERSON.

THIS IS THE GUY I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT.

BRACE YOURSELF.

[clearing throat]

I... I WAS PREPARED TO COME OUT HERE

AND... AND GIVE YOU A LITTLE EXAMPLE OF MY SINGING VOICE,

BUT I WAS JUST INFORMED THAT YOUR PIANIST

DOESN'T HAVE THE SHEET MUSIC TO DREAM WEAVER.

UM, SO INSTEAD, I THOUGHT I'D RECITE TO YOU A LITTLE FABLE,

AND I CAN ONLY PRAY THAT YOU DO NOT GONG ME.

ONCE UPON A TIME, IN A SMALL MIDWESTERN VILLAGE,

THERE LIVED A YOUNG HANDSOME GOOSE,

WHO WANTED DESPERATELY TO BE IN A LOCAL PRODUCTION OF A HIT MUSICAL.

ON HIS WAY TO THE AUDITION,

THE GOOSE MET UP WITH AN EVIL, UGLY APE

NAMED SHARON.

SHARON TOLD THE GOOSE THAT HE COULDN'T APPEAR IN THE PLAY,

BECAUSE SHE WAS QUEEN APE OF THE THEATER COMPANY,

AND THERE WERE NO GEESE ALLOWED.

BUT THE GOOSE DECIDED TO IGNORE THE UGLY APE,

AND AUDITION ANYWAY.

THE FUNNY THING IS THAT MY FABLE HAS NO ENDING.

I... I LEAVE THAT IN YOUR CAPABLE HANDS, MY DEAR DIRECTOR.

AND NOW, AS A LITTLE BONUS,

I'M GONNA DANCE FOR YOU.

OK, HONEY. HIT IT.

�[piano playing]

[chuckling] WHAT DID I TELL YOU? IS HE PATHETIC OR WHAT?

HE'S PERFECT.

HE'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR.

SOMEONE WHO'S NAIVE AND INNOCENT,

ALMOST BORDERING ON DIMWITTED.

SOMEONE I CAN SHAPE AND SCULPT.

(Sharon) HE'S AN AIRHEAD.

I MEAN, IF YOU PUT HIM IN THIS PRODUCTION, THEY'LL SHUT US DOWN,

LIKE THEY DO FREAK SHOWS IN THE SOUTH.

[piano stops playing]

[panting]

�[piano playing]

YOU'RE LOOKING AT OUR MALE LEAD.

ARE YOU INSANE?

WHAT ABOUT JASON? HE'S BEEN OUR MALE LEAD FOR THE LAST 10 YEARS.

IT IS DONE.

STOP, MR. PETERSON.

[panting]

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU HAVE JUST LANDED THE MALE LEAD IN OUR PRODUCTION OF

ZOO ANIMALS ON WHEELS.

HUH?

REHEARSALS BEGIN TOMORROW AT NOON.

SEE YOU THEN.

[sighing]

OH. OH, SIR.

OH, I'D JUST LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME THIS OPPORTUNITY.

YOU KNOW, IN A WORLD FULL OF CYNICS,

AND PESSIMISTS,

AND ANESTHESIOLOGISTS,

IT'S... IT'S COMFORTING TO KNOW THAT FAIRY TALE ENDINGS CAN INDEED COME TRUE.

I FEEL LIKE CINDERELLA,

IN MORE WAYS THAN I CARE TO GO INTO.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU. AND I SHAN'T LET YOU DOWN.

HI, SHARON. HI.

�[On Broadway by George Benson playing]

� THEY SAY THE NEON LIGHTS ARE BRIGHT �

� ON BROADWAY

NOW,

THIS PIVOTAL SCENE WHERE CHRIS, THE SICKLY WILDEBEEST,

KISSES SHARON, HER ROYAL HIGHNESS, LADY STRIPES.

WE MUST BELIEVE

THAT THEIR LOVE IS CONVEYED NOT ONLY FROM THEIR LIPS,

BUT FROM THEIR SOULS.

� THE GLITTER RUBS RIGHT OFF AND YOU'RE NOWHERE �

GUESS WHAT, SHARON? I HAD A SUB FOR LUNCH.

� THEY SAY THE WOMEN TREAT YOU FINE �

� ON BROADWAY

� BUT LOOKIN' AT THEM JUST GIVES ME �

� THE BLUES

� 'CAUSE HOW YA GONNA

FOR GOD'S SAKE, LOOK AT HIM, WILLIAM.

HE'S AN EMBARRASSMENT.

HE'S TURNING A FINE PIECE OF THEATER INTO SOMETHING SILLY AND RIDICULOUS.

DON'T BE A FOOL.

THE MAN'S UNIQUE.

HE'S AN ENIGMA.

I HAVEN'T WITNESSED THIS MUCH STAGE PRESENCE IN A PERFORMER,

SINCE I SAW REDD FOXX AT THE TROPICANA.

� OOH

� THEY SAY THAT I WON'T LAST TOO LONG �

� ON BROADWAY

� I'LL CATCH A GREYHOUND BUS FOR HOME �

IT'S SHOWTIME, FOLKS.

� THEY ALL SAY

[people chattering]

[sighing]

�[humming]

[clearing throat]

(Sharon) JASON, HOW CAN YOU STAND BEING PETERSON'S UNDERSTUDY?

DON'T YOU FEEL JUST A LITTLE INSULTED,

THAT A HIDEOUS, UNTALENTED MORON

HAS THE ROLE THAT YOU SHOULD PLAY?

WHAT CAN I DO, SHAR?

IF I COMPLAIN, THE WHOLE CAST WOULD THINK I WAS A CLASS "A" NUMBER ONE BITCH.

OBVIOUSLY, OUR DEAR DIRECTOR HAS A THING

FOR FAT, BALDING, AMATEUR TYPES.

YOU KNOW, HE'LL PROBABLY HAVE TO STAND TRIAL FOR KILLING THE PLAY.

[both laughing]

[sobbing]

FINE. HAVE IT YOUR WAY.

SHARON, I WOULDN'T APPEAR ON THE SAME STAGE WITH YOU

FOR ALL THE MONEY IN THE OCEAN.

AND YOU.

YOU'RE LUCKY I'M A GENTLEMAN,

AND WOULD NEVER STRIKE A LADY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

HE ACTUALLY QUIT.

OH, THERE IS A GOD.

(William) HAS ANYONE SEEN CHRIS?

I HAVE SOME LAST MINUTE INSTRUCTIONS FOR HIM

REGARDING THE SCENE WHERE HE WRESTLES THE EVIL MONKEY.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED.

HE OVERHEARD THESE 2 MAGPIES TRASHING HIM AND HE RAN OFF.

NOW, WILLIAM,

REGARDLESS OF WHAT CAUSED PETERSON'S DEPARTURE,

WE SHOULD FEEL LUCKY THAT WE HAVE JASON TO TAKE HIS PLACE.

WELL, I DON'T FEEL VERY LUCKY, YOU WENCH.

CHRIS PETERSON ABSOLUTELY EMBODIES

THE TOTAL SPIRIT OF ZOO ANIMALS ON WHEELS.

SHARON,

ALL OF GREENVILLE IS OUT THERE.

YOU EITHER GET CHRIS BACK RIGHT NOW,

I DON'T CARE WHAT IT TAKES,

OR I'LL SEE TO IT THAT YOU NEVER WORK

IN THIS WORTHLESS, 2-BIT, HICK TOWN AGAIN.

AND FOR THE RECORD,

I THINK YOU BOTH ARE A COUPLE OF CLASS "A" NUMBER ONE BITCHES.

CHRIS.

HONEY? WHERE ARE YOU?

[crickets chirping]

YOU KNOW, I... I THINK THAT WE SHOULD

CLEAR THE AIR AND... AND NOT LET A SILLY MISUNDERSTANDING

RUIN OUR FRIENDSHIP.

CHRIS.

SWEETHEART. WHERE ARE YOU, SUGAR?

[Chris groaning]

CHRIS?

SO, HERE YOU ARE.

MY, HOW LOVELY. IT'S LIKE A LITTLE RETREAT.

HOW DID YOU FIND ME?

WELL, IT WASN'T HARD. I JUST FOLLOWED THE GOBS OF MAKE-UP.

WELL, HERE I AM. WHERE I BELONG, IN MY NEW HOME.

SINCE I PLAYED A DOG IN THE SHOW,

I GUESS I BELONG IN A DOGHOUSE.

CHRIS,

YOU PLAY A WILDEBEEST IN THE SHOW.

WILDEBEEST, SKUNK, DINGO, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? THEY'RE ALL IN THE DOG FAMILY.

[dogs grunting]

CHRIS, SOMETIMES I GET...

OH, PARDON ME. EXCUSE ME, HAIRY MUTT.

CHRIS, I... CHRIS,

SOMETIMES I GET THE IMPRESSION THAT YOU THINK I DON'T LIKE YOU.

NOW, JUST BECAUSE A PERSON GOES THROUGH HER LIFE LOATHING

AND CRITICIZING AND RIDICULING ANOTHER PERSON,

DOESN'T MEAN SHE HATES HIM.

SOMETIMES, IT MEANS JUST THE OPPOSITE.

YEAH, I THINK THAT'S HOW IT WORKS ON THE PLANET VENUS.

CHRIS,

I CAME AFTER YOU BECAUSE I THINK IT'S HIGH TIME I RECOGNIZED YOUR MANY

ADMIRABLE QUALITIES.

OK, GO AHEAD. NAME 'EM.

WELL,

UH...

HERE, LET ME GIVE YOU A LITTLE HINT. OK.

I'M EXTREMELY GOOD,

LO-LO-LO...

I CAN'T SAY THAT, CHRIS. PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME.

OK, FINE. I'LL JUST STAY HERE THEN.

MY GOD, ARE YOU AN ATTRACTIVE MAN.

WHAT A HANDSOME MAN YOU ARE.

[sighing] I WONDER HOW GOOD AN ACTOR I AM.

HOW I WISH I HAD A LITTLE FEEDBACK ON THAT.

CHRIS,

YOU'RE A FABULOUS ACTOR. YOU'RE THE BEST THING IN THE PLAY.

THEN ALL THAT STUFF YOU AND JASON WERE SAYING,

I... I GUESS, COULD IT BE THAT YOU GUYS WERE JUST, UH,

JEA... LOUS.

JEALOUS. ABSOLUTELY.

MY GOD, YOU'RE PSYCHIC.

[sighing] ALL RIGHT.

I GUESS YOU'VE KISSED ENOUGH WILDEBEEST BUTT FOR ONE NIGHT.

I'LL COME BACK.

FIRST, I HAVE ONE LAST IMPORTANT QUESTION.

YES.

WHICH ONE OF THESE DOGS HAS GAS?

�[music playing]

(William) SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME,

ZOO ANIMALS HAVE SAT PATIENTLY IN THEIR CAGES,

WHILE WE HUMANS, STARED, POINTED,

AND THREW CANDY AT THEM.

BUT, OH, WHAT A MAGICAL DAY IT WOULD BE

IF THESE CONFINED BEASTS COULD LEAP FROM THEIR CAGES,

FREE TO SING, FREE TO FROLIC,

FREE TO ROLLER SKATE.

ALL RIGHT, GLADYS, THAT OUGHT TO DO IT. LET'S GO.

FRED, SIT DOWN.

�[piano playing]

� I'M A GIRAFFE, I'M A GIRAFFE �

� I'M A GIRAFFE, I'M A GIRAFFE �

� I HAVE A LONG NECK, I HAVE A LONG NECK �

� 'CAUSE I'M A GIRAFFE, I'M A GIRAFFE �

[piano stops playing]

CLEAR SOMETHIN' UP FOR ME, GLADYS. IS HE A GIRAFFE?

SHH.

�[piano playing]

� I'M A CRANKY OLD SEAL AND I LIVE UPON THE ICE �

� BUT IF YOU THROW ME A FISH I'LL ACT VERY NICE �

I'D LIKE TO THROW A ROCK AT HER.

FRED.

�[piano playing]

[gasping]

SHOOT ME, GLADYS.

I'LL GIVE YOU A MILLION BUCKS, JUST SHOOT ME.

� I'M THE LONELY WILDEBEEST

� PROUD YET FRAIL FROM MY NOSE �

� TO MY TAIL

� BUT HERE'S THE GOOD NEWS

� I'VE GOT WHEELS ON MY SHOES �

� AND WITH SOME MUSIC TO GUIDE ME �

� I KNOW I CAN'T LOSE

EVERYBODY, COME ON.

� AND THAT'S THE OPENING, FRIENDS �

� BOOM BOOM

[laughing]

[inaudible]

[roller skates creaking]

DON'T BE SAD, WISE OLD, JELLICLE HIPPO.

I KNOW YOU'RE DYING OF THIRST AND THIS VILLAGE HAS NO WATER,

BUT, HEY, I KNOW SOMETHING THAT'LL MAKE YOU HAPPY.

WHAT'S THE ONE THING ALL ZOO ANIMALS LOVE WHEN THEY'RE SAD?

(all) A LIGHT SHOW.

THAT'S RIGHT, A LIGHT SHOW WITH DISCO MUSIC.

EVERYONE DANCE.

�[music playing]

GLADYS, IS IT ACTUALLY MEDICALLY POSSIBLE TO DIE OF EMBARRASSMENT?

� LIVING IN A ZOO

� CAN BE VERY SAD

� PEOPLE STARE AT YOU AND MAKE YOU MAD �

� OH, HOW I WONDER WHAT THEY WOULD DO �

� IF ANIMALS STARED AT THEM LIKE THEY WERE IN A ZOO �

(all) � HOW DO YOU LIKE IT

� WHEN WE STARE AT YOU IT DOESN'T FEEL GOOD �

� NOW ISN'T THAT TRUE?

� HOW DO YOU LIKE IT

� WHEN WE STARE AT YOU IT DOESN'T FEEL GOOD �

� NOW ISN'T THAT TRUE?

[screaming]

YOU LOUSY BASTARD. I'LL KILL YOU.

OK, GLADYS, NOW'S OUR CHANCE.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE WHILE HE'S DISTRACTED.

(Gladys) OH, DO YOU THINK HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT?

[Chris screaming] YEAH, THE GUY IN THE LLAMA SUIT WILL BACK HIM UP.

MOVE IT, SEALY.

[screaming]

OUT OF MY WAY, YOU MEDDLING GUARDSMEN,

FOR I HAVE A DATE WITH HER ROYAL HIGHNESS,

LADY STRIPES.

YOU? A POOR, HOMELY WILDEBEEST HAVE A DATE WITH LADY STRIPES.

THAT IS SO FUNNY A THOUGHT. I THINK WE SHALL LAUGH NOW.

SILENCE. SILENCE, YOU WRETCHED HYENAS.

OH, MY, SUDDENLY WE'RE VERY QUIET, AREN'T WE?

FROM THIS DAY FORWARD,

NO ONE SHALL MOCK THE FAT, KINDLY WILDEBEEST.

I DON'T REMEMBER THE WORD "FAT" BEING IN THE SCRIPT.

OH, BE GONE, SERVANTS.

FOR YOU HAVE JUST INSULTED MY FUTURE

PRINCE.

OH, YOUR HIGHNESS,

I AM AT A LOSS FOR WORDS.

I GUESS THE ONLY THING LEFT FOR US TO DO

IS KISS EACH OTHER.

OH, GOD.

I'LL BET THE OLD MAN NEVER GAVE YOU ONE LIKE THAT, HUH?

AND NOW, WE SHALL RULE THE ANIMAL KINGDOM TOGETHER,

AS MAN AND WIFE.

AND HERE'S OUR FIRST PROCLAMATION.

�[fanfare playing]

NO MORE ZOOS,

NO MORE CAGES,

ONLY ROLLER SKATES,

DISCO MUSIC,

AND AN OCCASIONAL LIGHT SHOW.

SO, ZOO ANIMALS, REJOICE,

FOR WE ARE ALL FREE.

�[music playing]

(all) � WE'RE ZOO ANIMALS ON WHEELS �

� THAT'S WHAT WE ARE

� WE'RE ZOO ANIMALS ON WHEELS �

� WE'RE PROUD WE'VE COME SO FAR �

� WE'RE FINALLY FREE TO SING AND SKATE �

� UPON THE STREET AND ON THE LAKE �

� WE'RE ZOO ANIMALS

� ON WHEELS

CLAP KIDS.

PRETENDING TO ENJOY SOMETHING YOU ACTUALLY DIDN'T,

IS AN IMPORTANT, ADULT SOCIAL SKILL.

NICE JOB, SHARON.

LINDA BLAIR COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT BETTER HERSELF.

WHY, THANK YOU, CHRIS.

YOU ACTUALLY ENDED UP DOING QUITE WELL YOURSELF.

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU KNOW, SHARON,

I DON'T THINK I CAN KEEP THIS MOMENT TO MYSELF.

GIVE ME A SECOND. EXCUSE ME. AHEM.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HI. CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION FOR ONE MOMENT, PLEASE?

THANK YOU.

I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY THAT,

DOING THIS PLAY

HAS BEEN THE MOST WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE.

MAINLY BECAUSE I FORGED A RELATIONSHIP,

WITH MY LEADING LADY,

THE VERY LOVELY, THE VERY TALENTED,

MISS SHARON POTTER. SHARON, COME OUT HERE.

[all clapping] THANK YOU.

BUT I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE ONE THING PERFECTLY CLEAR, HOWEVER.

THAT DESPITE OUR STEAMY, PASSIONATE LOVE SCENE DURING THE PLAY,

UH, OFFSTAGE SHARON AND I DO NOT JUMP EACH OTHER'S BONES.

ALTHOUGH, UH, GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY,

AND I THINK I SPEAK FOR SHARON,

WE PROBABLY COULD BECAUSE, DURING OUR NOW LEGENDARY KISS,

I THINK WE BOTH FELT, UH, PECULIAR STIRRINGS, YOU KNOW WHERE.

SO THE NEXT 350 PERFORMANCES ARE GOING TO BE KIND OF INTERESTING,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

[Chris screaming]

[thudding]

�[piano playing]