Original subtitles

OK, THERE YOU GO, MRS. COWAN,

AND IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE ALL PAID UP FOR THE MONTH.

CHRIS, CAN YOU COME IN FOR A MINUTE?

WELL, SURE, WHAT CAN I HELP YOU WITH, MA'AM?

SHORT OF ONE OF THOSE AMERICAN GIGOLO COME-ON-IN-AND-CLEAN- MY-PIPES-TYPE THINGS.

COME ON, I'M JOKING.

HEY, LOOK AT THIS PLACE.

REALLY CHARMING. NICE.

CAN I GIVE YOU ONE LITTLE SUGGESTION?

ONE WORD: ENDUST.

YOUNG MAN, I'VE BEEN WATCHING YOU DELIVER MY PAPERS

FOR SOME, WHAT IS IT, 25 YEARS NOW?

IT'S ACTUALLY 20 YEARS. PLEASE, I'M NOT AN IDIOT.

OH, NOT AT ALL.

YOU'RE A SPECIAL, SPECIAL BOY.

OH, WELL THANK YOU, VERY MUCH. THAT'S WHAT MY TEACHERS ALWAYS USED TO SAY.

I DON'T USUALLY DO THIS 'CAUSE I THINK IT KIND OF CHEAPENS ME, BUT, UH,

I'M GONNA MAKE A LITTLE EXCEPTION HERE.

TO MRS. COWAN, KEEP ON TRUCKIN'.

YOUR PAL, CHRIS.

OH!

HERE YOU GO. THANK YOU.

OH. UH, WHAT'S THIS LITTLE FIGURE?

THAT'S ONE OF THE "KEEP ON TRUCKING" GUYS. REMEMBER THEM?

THEY WERE VERY POPULAR IN THE EARLY 70s. THEY KIND OF STOOD LIKE THIS.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU REMEMBER THEM OR NOT.

I'M... I'M REALLY NOT DOING THEM JUSTICE THOUGH.

THEIR BOOTS WERE MUCH LARGER, ALMOST EXAGGERATED.

CAN I HAVE A CHEESE SANDWICH?

WELL, ANYWAY,

WOULD YOU HAVE ANY INTEREST IN HOUSESITTING FOR A NIGHT?

I HAVE SOME URGENT FAMILY BUSINESS

THAT WILL TAKE ME OUT OF TOWN

AND WITH ALL THE BURGLARIES IN THIS AREA,

I'D FEEL BETTER KNOWING THAT SOMEONE RESPONSIBLE

WAS GOING TO BE IN THE HOUSE.

AND I NEED SOMEONE TO TAKE CARE OF MY LITTLE DOG, LOUIE.

HE'S A CUTE ONE.

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

I WOULD HAVE THIS PLACE ALL TO MYSELF?

YES.

HMM.

[laughing]

CHRIS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, NOTHING. I'M SORRY.

WELL, LOOK, UH, IF I WERE TO AGREE,

I SUPPOSE THERE'D BE, UH, SOME SORT OF RECOMPENSE IN THE FORM OF, UH,

CASH AND PRIZES.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

UH, I'LL GIVE YOU $50 AND SOME CHOCOLATE.

HOW'S THAT?

SOLD AMERICAN.

NOW, HERE IS A LIST THAT I NEED TO HAVE YOU LOOK AT SO THAT...

OKAY, WAIT A SECOND. HOLD THE PHONES. STOP THE PRESSES.

I KNEW IT WAS COMING SOONER OR LATER, ALL THE MIND-NUMBING DETAILS.

AND DON'T WORRY, MRS. COWAN, I'LL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING.

I'LL WATER THE FRUIT AND I'LL WALK THE KITTY AND I'LL DUST THE DOILIES,

[in high-pitched voice] OOH, AND I WON'T SIT IN THAT CHAIR

'CAUSE THAT BELONGED TO GRANDPA TOOTIES.

YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME. OFF YOU GO.

HAVE A GOOD TIME AT THE BALL.

[chuckling] WRITE ME.

[sighing]

WOW.

[doorbell ringing]

STUPID SALESMAN.

LOOK, I DON'T WANNA BUY...

CHRIS, IT'S TOMORROW NIGHT,

NOT TODAY.

I'M SORRY. A THOUSAND APOLOGIES, SIAM.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING.

I'M STUPID AS IN, LIKE, BONKERS.

�[Stand by R.E.M. playing]

[bicycle bell ringing]

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� NOW FACE NORTH

� THINK ABOUT DIRECTION

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� NOW STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU WORK �

� NOW FACE WEST

� THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� NOW FACE NORTH

� THINK ABOUT DIRECTION

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� NOW STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU WORK �

� NOW FACE WEST

� THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU ARE �

� SO STAND

[birds chirping]

HELLO, STACY?

HI, THIS IS CHRISTOPHER PETERSON.

UH-HUH.

SAY, DO YOU STILL HAVE THAT THING

FOR INCREDIBLY RICH GUYS?

WELL, LET'S JUST SAY THAT MR. ED McMAHON

PAID ME A LITTLE VISIT THIS WEEKEND

AND THAT HUGE OLD WEIRD VICTORIAN ON MAPLE? MINE.

UH-HUH. SEE YOU AROUND 7:00?

OK.

WOW!

THIS PLACE IS MORE SPECTACULAR THAN THE LIBERACE MUSEUM.

[doorbell ringing]

[crickets chirping]

OH, MY GOD. SHE'S HERE.

THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS.

THE GIRL I'VE BEEN PSYCHOTICALLY OBSESSED WITH SINCE THE 6TH GRADE IS HERE,

TO SEE ME FOR MY MONEY.

EVERYTHING'S GOT TO BE JUST RIGHT. OK.

THE SCENE IS SET FOR LOVE.

HELLO STACY. POOKIEHANA.

THAT'S HAWAIIAN FOR "WELCOME TO MY HOME, DARK ISLAND PRINCESS."

SO, THIS IS YOUR HOME, HUH?

YEP.

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

[sniffing]

WELL, THAT'S ACTUALLY A, UH,

DELIGHTFUL BLEND OF, UH, LYSOL, UM, BOILED BEEF AND HI-KARATE.

REALLY?

KIND OF SMELLS LIKE MY GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE.

WELL, YOU KNOW, A LOT OF, UH, TOUGH GUYS ARE INTO THAT MACHO THING,

BUT, UH, I'M SECURE ENOUGH TO GET IN TOUCH WITH THAT LITTLE OLD LADY INSIDE OF ME.

WHAT'S WITH ALL THE... THE KNICK-KNACKS

AND CURIO CABINETS AND DOILIES?

UH, WELL, UM, THESE ARE ACTION DOILIES,

FOR MEN.

BILLY IDOL HAS A WHOLE BUNCH OF THEM.

WOULD YOU LIKE A SNACK?

UM, I'VE GOT DIET GINGER ALE, MINT TEA, UH...

I THINK I'LL PASS.

OK. SO,

KIND OF A COOL BACHELOR PAD, HUH?

WHAT IS THIS? HMM.

YOU MEAN THIS THING THAT, UH, KIND OF LOOKS LIKE A WALKER.

YEAH, THAT'S, UH, ACTUALLY A... A NAUTAFLEX.

UH, IT'S KIND OF LIKE THE PARALLEL BARS.

I DO A LOT OF WORKIN' OUT ON IT.

GOTTA GIVE IT ONE OF THESE AND GO...

[breathing deeply]

[grunting]

[coughing]

WHEW! IT'S REALLY GOOD FOR YOUR, UH, TRIVOIDALS.

OH, WOW, A PIANO. CAN YOU PLAY?

UH, WELL, NO. I TINKLE REALLY.

COME ON, PLAY. I'M A SUCKER FOR MUSICIANS.

WELL, UH, IF YOU PUT IT THAT WAY, SURE.

[laughs]

KIND OF UH WORKING ON A... A PIECE RIGHT NOW AS A MATTER OF FACT,

UH, BEAUTIFUL DREAMER. ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH IT?

NO. HMM.

IT'S KIND OF A JAZZ ZYDECO TYPE THING.

I KIND OF THINK THAT MAKES IT.

�[playing]

� BEAUTIFUL DREAMER

� YOU ARE THE SUNSHINE OF MY EYE �

� SO DON'T GO CHANGING

� BEAUTIFUL DREAMER

WHY DON'T WE JUST PRETEND THAT I NEVER SHOWED UP?

NO, NO, WAIT. WE'RE... WE'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE DINNER.

HEY, YOU KNOW, I KNOW A GREAT PIZZA PLACE NOT FAR FROM HERE

AND THEY DELIVER OF ALL THINGS.

WHY DON'T I GIVE THEM A CALL AND WE'LL HAVE A PIZZA PIE?

HELLO? YES, THIS IS CHRIS PETERSON

CALLING FROM MY OWN HOME AT 1403 MAPLE.

YES, AND I'D LIKE TO ORDER A LARGE PIZZA PIE WITH EVERYTHING.

EXCEPT FOR MUSHROOMS, PEPPERONI, SAUSAGE, ONIONS AND ALL THAT OTHER CRAP.

NO, THIS IS MY HOME.

NO, SHE DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE.

NO, WE HAD AN ARGUMENT. WE BROKE UP AND I KICKED HER OUT.

YOU KNOW, I BET THIS ISN'T EVEN YOUR HOUSE.

AND YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT RICH.

LOOK, I GOTTA GO.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

I WAS GONNA GIVE YOU A CERAMIC KITTY OF YOUR CHOICE,

BUT NOW, IN YOUR DREAMS.

YOU'RE A JERK. OK, FINE.

THAT JUST MEANS THERE'S MORE PIZZA FOR ME.

WHO NEEDS HER? I DON'T NEED HER. I DON'T NEED ANYBODY.

I'LL JUST WATCH SOME T.V.

NO T.V. IS THAT LEGAL?

WELL, I'LL JUST ENTERTAIN MYSELF THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY,

THE WAY PEOPLE USED TO ENTERTAIN THEMSELVES BEFORE THERE WAS T.V.

I'LL USE MY IMAGINATION.

[in high-pitched voice] WEE, WEE!

[hissing]

YOU DRANK MY MILK.

WEE, BUT YOU ATE MY FISH. WEE!

[hissing]

[thudding]

WELL, THAT'S PROBABLY JUST ONE OF THOSE NORMAL

HOUSE-SETTLING NOISES, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

[hissing]

[kissing]

I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

[thudding]

OK, THERE'S NOTHING TO BE WORRIED ABOUT.

YOU'RE FINE IN A BIG OLD, COMFORTABLE, SMELLY,

DAMP, EERIE, WEIRD VICTORIAN HOUSE CUT OFF

FROM THE REST OF THE WORLD.

THERE'S NOTHING TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT.

[thudding]

[shrieking]

HELLO, LARRY?

HI, UM, ARE YOU AND YOUR LOVELY WIFE, SHARON, BUSY TONIGHT?

[laughing]

ISN'T THIS FUN? WE'RE PLAYING PARLOR GAMES.

LARRY, MOST MARRIED COUPLES ON SATURDAY NIGHT

GO OUT TO DINNER OR DANCING, A SHOW...

OK, ENOUGH. DA, DA, DA, DA. IT'S MY TURN.

OH, DOCTOR, MUST MY KIDNEY COME OUT?

[in deep voice] YES, MR. PATIENT, I'M AFRAID IT DOES.

I PRAY YOUR NOSE DOES NOT BUZZ.

(Chris) MMM-MMM.

[laughing] YES! I DID IT.

I BEAT YOU TWO AGAIN.

I'M THE BEST.

BOY, IF I SENT IN MY SCORE,

I BET I COULD GET INTO ANY MEDICAL SCHOOL IN THE COUNTRY.

LARRY, COME ON, ONE MORE GAME.

LOOK, CHRIS, YOU'VE ALREADY WON BEST OUT OF 30.

WE'RE FATIGUED, TIRED...

NAUSEATED.

COME ON, GUYS, UH, H-HOW 'BOUT CANASTA?

OR LOOK, YOU... YOU COULD JUST SPEND THE NIGHT HERE.

LARRY, YOU COULD TAKE THE BED. I-I'LL TAKE THE SOFA.

SHARON, YOU CAN TAKE THE BASEMENT.

CHRIS, I THINK I'M STARTING TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IT IS YOU REALLY WANT HERE.

NO, SHARON, BELIEVE ME, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

ALTHOUGH, I FEEL THAT SEXUAL TENSION AS MUCH AS YOU DO.

NO, YOU WANT US TO STAY HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE SCARED.

LITTLE CHRISSIE PETERSON'S

SCARED TO STAY IN A BIG OLD CREEPY

GOTHIC GOD-ONLY-KNOWS- WHO-DIED-HERE HOUSE.

DON'T BE A MORON. I'M NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING.

REALLY?

NOT EVEN WHAT'S BEHIND YOU?

ALL RIGHT, SHARON, THAT'S THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK.

[chuckles] I'M NOT TURNING AROUND.

(Sharon) OH, GOD!

[gasping] I'M NOT GONNA DO IT, SHARON. IT'S JUST A TRICK.

I'M NOT GONNA TURN AROUND.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO MAKE ME TURN AROUND.

MMM-MMM.

LOOK, I'M NOT TURNING AROUND.

SEE, I DIDN'T TURN AROUND.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS KIND OF FUN.

MAYBE WE COULD STAY A LITTLE LONGER.

ALL RIGHT, WAIT, GUYS.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.

YES, I AM SCARED.

THE FACT IS I AM SCARED OUT OF MY BUTT.

THERE ARE STRANGE NOISES IN THIS PLACE

AND, YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SUPERSTITIOUS AT ALL,

BUT I THINK THERE MAY ACTUALLY BE MONSTERS IN HERE.

DID YOU GUYS HERE THAT?

NO.

[thudding]

THEN, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

[sighing]

GOODNIGHT, IDIOT.

LARRY...

[roaring]

OK, I GOTTA PULL MYSELF TOGETHER.

I GOTTA COLLECT MY THOUGHTS.

I'M A MAN.

I'M GONNA CALL MOM.

HELLO?

HI, DADDY. IT'S CHRIS.

HOW'S IT GOING?

I JUST CALLED TO SAY HI AND SO WE COULD DO A LITTLE CATCHING UP.

HOW'S YOUR HEALTH?

CHRIS, YOU'VE ONLY BEEN GONE 3 HOURS.

I KNOW, BUT I DIDN'T WANT US TO DRIFT APART.

HEAVEN FORBID.

YOU KNOW, DAD, I WAS JUST THINKING, MAYBE I SHOULD COME HOME.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, WITH ALL THE BURGLARIES IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

YOU KNOW, I'M YOUNG AND HEALTHY

AND... AND I CAN DEFEND MYSELF,

BUT YOU AND MOM ARE OLD AND FEEBLE.

YOU'RE THE PRIME CANDIDATES TO BE BLUDGEONED TO DEATH.

WE'LL TAKE THAT CHANCE. YOU'D BETTER STAY PUT.

YOU HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY, SON.

YOU PROMISED MRS. COWAN YOU'D LOOK AFTER HER HOUSE

AND YOU CAN'T GO BACK ON YOUR WORD.

ALL RIGHT, DAD, PUT MOM ON.

YOU'RE STARTING TO ANNOY ME NOW.

HELLO, DEAR. HOW'S IT GOING?

MOM, I'M REALLY SCARED.

AND I DIDN'T WANT TO TELL DAD

BECAUSE HE'D THINK I WAS A PANSY.

DON'T WORRY, SON. HE ALREADY THINKS THAT.

MOM, THIS... THIS HOUSE IS REALLY SPOOKY.

AND I'M STARTING TO HEAR STRANGE NOISES.

WHAT KIND OF NOISES?

WELL, OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD,

UH, I DON'T KNOW, STUFF LIKE, UH...

[gibbering]

STUFF LIKE THAT.

IT'S PROBABLY THE HOUSE SETTLING.

YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE PUNCHY BECAUSE YOU'RE TIRED.

WHY DON'T YOU GO TO SLEEP?

HEY, MA, I... I KNOW THIS SOUNDS A LITTLE SILLY,

BUT, UH,

WOULD YOU MIND SINGING ME ONE OF THOSE LULLABIES

THAT USED TO SEND ME OFF TO DREAMLAND? OF COURSE, HONEY.

� WHEN THE SHARK BITES

� WITH HIS TEETH, DEAR

� SCARLET RIBBONS START TO SPREAD �

� FANCY GLOVES THOUGH

� WEARS MACK HEATH DEAR

� THOUGH THERE'S NEVER A TRACE OF RED �

� ON THE SIDEWALK

� SUNDAY MORNIN'

� LIES A BODY, OOZIN' LIFE �

[rattling]

OK, THERE'S... THERE'S NOTHING TO BE FRIGHTENED OF.

IT'S JUST THE WINDOW RATTLING.

THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO DO. IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.

THAT'S WHY THEY'RE CALLED WINDOWS.

[roaring]

OK, I'M VERY CLOSE TO CRYING NOW.

[screams]

I THOUGHT YOU WERE A BLOODTHIRSTY KILLER WITH A KNIFE,

AND YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE FROGGIE, PLAIN AS DAY.

MAYBE SOME CANDY WILL SOOTHE MY STOMACH.

[clears throat]

OH, MY.

IT'S PROBABLY ONE OF THOSE NEW FAD CANDIES, LIKE POP ROCKS.

[in high-pitched voice] OK, 911, THAT'S THE NUMBER FOR ME.

HELLO, POLICE? YEAH, HI.

THIS IS CHRIS PETERSON AT 1403 MAPLE.

I'M HOUSESITTING FOR AN OLD LADY

AND, UH, THE HOUSE IS MAKING SOME AWFULLY STRANGE NOISES

AND THE CANDY JUST CAUGHT FIRE.

YEAH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT CODE THAT WOULD BE.

PROBABLY A 916, SOMETHING LIKE THAT,

PROBABLY A VERY HIGH NUMBER.

LISTEN, COULD YOU SEND A PATROLMAN OVER TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH ME?

OH, YOU CAN'T.

UH, WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M TYING UP THE LINE?

WELL, I... OH, IT'S A FELONY.

OH, IT'S A FELONY. BEEP!

OH, THERE GOES MY CALL WAITING.

OK. I'M GONNA HAVE TO GO.

THANKS FOR CALLING. OH, I CALLED YOU.

[laughing] OK. BYE-BYE.

WAIT. THERE'S THAT 24-HOUR LINE THAT HELPS MEN.

(woman) HI, THANKS FOR CALLING CANDY'S FANTASY LINE.

WHO AM I SPEAKING TO?

CHRIS PETERSON.

HMM, THAT'S A SEXY NAME.

WHAT ARE YOU WEARING, CHRIS?

UH, I'M WEARING A SHIRT AND SLACKS

AND SHOES AND SOCKS AND UNDERPANTS.

WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THAT? ARE YOU DRUNK?

WHAT ARE YOU INTO, CHRIS, HMM?

WELL, I'M INTO TALKING TO SOMEBODY RIGHT NOW,

'CAUSE I'M A LITTLE SCARED OF GHOSTS.

LISTEN, HONEY, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO BE A LITTLE MORE SPECIFIC

ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT,

BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

[roaring]

DID YOU HEAR THAT? DID YOU HEAR THAT?

[Chris yelling]

IT'S TURNED INTO AN EVIL SERPENT.

OK, NOW WE'RE GETTIN' SOMEWHERE.

HELLO? CANDY? CANDY, ARE YOU THERE?

OH, NO. OH, NO. THEY'RE OUT THERE SNIPPING THE LINES.

THE PHONE'S DEAD. IT'S THAT... IT'S THAT MANSON GROUP.

IT'S... IT'S SQUEAKY AND... AND TEX

AND... AND LENNY AND SQUIGGY.

[doorbell ringing]

[screaming]

[doorbell continues ringing]

WHO'S THERE?

PIZZA.

OH, YEAH, RIGHT. YOU CAN'T BE THE PIZZA GUY.

I ORDERED PIZZA 5 HOURS AGO AND IT NEVER CAME.

SO OBVIOUSLY, HIS TRUCK'S OVERTURNED

IN A DRAINAGE DITCH SOMEWHERE.

GO AHEAD, TRY AGAIN.

IF YOU DON'T TAKE THIS PIZZA, IT COMES OUT OF MY POCKET AND THAT MAKES ME MAD!

[banging on door]

YOU'RE A BURGLAR. GO AHEAD, ADMIT IT.

NO I'M NOT. YOU OPEN THIS DOOR!

WELL, THEN YOU'RE A ZOMBIE.

I SAW NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD.

THE GOOD VERSION. THE BLACK AND WHITE VERSION.

THE ONE EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST STAY OUT AND LEAVE ME ALONE?

[exclaims]

OH, OH, MY GOD.

IT'S THE DEVIL DOG HOUND FROM HELL.

[screaming]

[glass shattering]

[yells]

THE NOISE!

[quavering]

OH, I HATE WHEN THE WALLS BREATHE, IT'S SO STUPID!

OH, I'M SORRY, SIR. NO, GO AHEAD. YOU CAN BREATHE ALL YOU WANT.

IT'S A FREE COUNTRY.

ON SECOND THOUGHT, WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM?

WHICH IS HELL OR... OR MAYBE SOME PLACE WORSE.

� SAVE US

� SAVE US

OH, NO, PLEASE, I PRAY THAT'S JUST BAD PLUMBING.

[screaming]

[clattering]

[glass shattering]

OH, MY GOD, WHAT A HORRIBLE DREAM.

AND I LOOKED SO FAT.

OH, I'M NEED OF A COMPLETE NEUROLOGICAL WORK-UP.

ALL RIGHT, DON'T PANIC. DON'T PANIC.

I'M SURE YOU CAN MAKE EVERYTHING LOOK NICE AND SPIFFY

BEFORE SHE GETS HERE.

[doorbell ringing] CHRIS, IT'S ME, MRS. COWAN.

THE DOOR SEEMS TO BE STUCK.

OH, NO. I'M DEAD.

OH, NO. AND I JUST KNOW SHE'S NOT GONNA PAY ME NOW.

THERE'S PROBABLY GOING TO BE SOME LITIGATION INVOLVED WITH THIS, TOO.

HI. HOW ARE YOU? WELCOME HOME.

DID YOU BRING ME ANYTHING?

[laughing]

I'M JUST JOKING.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BOY,

MY PARENTS USED TO GO OFF ON TRIPS.

THEY'D ALWAYS HAVE TO BRING ME A LITTLE GIFT BACK.

OTHERWISE, I'D CRY AND I'D CRY.

[laughing]

I MEAN, YOU KNOW HOW KIDS ARE.

[sighs]

DO YOU LIKE PUDDING?

WHAT IN GOD'S NAME HAPPENED HERE?

OH, UH, WELL, YOU MUST BE REFERRING

TO THE FACT THAT THINGS LOOK A LITTLE ASKEW.

YEAH. UH...

WELL, YOU KNOW, IT GOT KIND OF BLUSTERY LAST NIGHT.

THIS WAS IRREPLACEABLE.

WELL, YOU KNOW, I'M NO ANTIQUARIAN,

BUT I'M... I'M FAIRLY CERTAIN YOU CAN GO DOWN TO WOOLWORTH'S

AND GET A CRATE OF THESE FOR ABOUT $20.

OH, MRS. COWAN, I CAN'T LIE TO YOU.

THERE'S SOMETHING DREADFULLY WRONG WITH YOUR HOUSE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS. IT'S... IT'S EITHER EVIL SPIRITS OR... OR

REALLY BAD CARPENTRY, BUT IT WAS A NIGHTMARE LAST NIGHT.

IT WAS, UH...

[glass clinking]

HEY! HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, FAT ASS!

THERE'S MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM.

[glass shattering]

OH, SO YOU DID ALL THIS.

YOU DESTROYED MY HOME.

HEY, YEAH.

YEAH, THAT WORKS. YEAH, HE DID ALL THIS.

LITTLE MR. TAKE-WHAT-DOESN'T- BELONG-TO-HIM, HUH?

YOU ARE A FIEND, SIR.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE. I TRIED TO ROB YOU, BUT I NEVER LEAVE A MESS.

IF THIS JERK HADN'T WENT NUTS AND BARRICADED THE DOOR,

I WOULD HAVE BEEN OUT OF HERE HOURS AGO.

MRS. COWAN, WHO ARE YOU GOING TO BELIEVE?

MR. CHOP-'EM-UP- AND-STUFF-'EM-UNDER- THE-FLOORBOARDS OR ME?

CHRIS PETERSON, AMERICAN PAPERBOY DELUXE?

LADY, YOU GOTTA BELIEVE ME. HE MAY EVEN BE DANGEROUS.

HEY, HEY.

SHUT UP UNLESS YOU WANT ANOTHER CERAMIC KITTY SHOVED UP...

LANGUAGE, YOUNG MAN, LANGUAGE.

I'M SORRY, MA'AM. LIKE YOU'VE NEVER USED LANGUAGE LIKE THAT BEFORE.

I GUESS IT'S TIME TO CALL THE POLICE.

BOY, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A RELIEF IT WAS TO FIND OUT

THAT THERE WAS SOMEBODY UPSTAIRS ALL NIGHT.

BOY, WITH ALL THOSE NOISES, I WAS STARTING TO THINK

I WAS GOING A LITTLE CRAZY.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, UH, TIME TO TAKE ME OFF

TO THE RUBBER ROOM IN THE FUNNY JACKET.

BUT NOW I KNOW I'M... I'M AS SANE AND HEALTHY AS APPLE PIE.

HEY, NO DIAL TONE.

[roaring]

I ASSUME WE ALL SAW THAT. SAW WHAT?

YEAH, WHAT?

OK, EXCUSE ME NOW, WHILE I GO DO THIS.

[glass shattering]