Original subtitles

YEAH, THIS WOMAN WAS INCREDIBLE.

SHE WASN'T ONE OF THOSE EARTHY NATURAL TYPES EITHER, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I MEAN, HER BEAUTY CAME FROM LOADS AND LOADS OF MAKEUP.

SO ANYWAY, P.S.

I FIND OUT SHE'S MARRIED.

JUST OUT FOR A CHEAP THRILL.

[chuckling]

I MEAN, WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE, RIGHT?

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST PUSH HER IN THE MUD?

WELL, DON'T YOU THINK I TRIED THAT?

YOU'RE SO COOL.

SO ARE YOU NEWS BOYS READY?

YEAH, UH, BROCCOLI, ALL AROUND.

YUCK.

UGH, MAN.

I'LL HAVE A POWDERED JELLY DOUGHNUT.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE A HANDFUL OF LARD,

ROLL IT IN SOME GROUND GLASS,

AND DIP IT IN A CUP OF DRAINO,

'CAUSE THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO YOUR ARTERIES.

HE'LL HAVE A BRAN MUFFIN.

I'LL HAVE A CHOCOLATE MILK.

LOOK, LET ME SAVE YOU THE MONEY.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO OUT TO YOUR DADDY'S CAR,

OPEN UP THE HOOD, PULL OUT THE BATTERY,

HOLD IT OVER YOUR HEAD AND CHUGALUG,

'CAUSE THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO YOUR BODY.

MAKE IT 2 BRAN MUFFINS.

KIDS, YOU'RE NEVER TOO YOUNG

TO START TAKING CARE OF YOUR HEALTH.

I'LL HAVE A DOUBLE-DECKER SUNDAE

WITH CHOCOLATE SYRUP.

THAT ACTUALLY SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD.

I THINK I'LL HAVE ONE OF THOSE, TOO.

HEY, EDDIE,

MY DAD AND I ARE GONNA WASTE YOU AND YOUR DAD NEXT SATURDAY.

YOU'RE GOING DOWN, OTTO.

MY DAD AND I WILL TEAR OUT YOUR GUTS

AND SCRAMBLE 'EM LIKE EGGS.

HEY, HOLD IT. YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE THAT KIND OF TALK.

EGGS, INCREDIBLY HIGH IN CHOLESTEROL.

CHRIS, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE COMPETITION ON SATURDAY.

COMPETITION?

THE NEWSPAPER BOY SEMI-ANNUAL

FATHER AND SON DAY.

OH, YEAH, THE OLD FATHER AND SON DAY.

YEAH, MY DAD AND I USED TO ENTER THAT ALL THE TIME.

ARE YOU ENTERING THIS YEAR?

[laughs]

NO.

I THINK THAT WOULD BE A LITTLE UNFAIR COMPETITION.

KINDA LIKE, UH, MERYL STREEP SHOWING UP AT STAR SEARCH.

WHAT HE'S TRYING TO SAY IS THAT HE'S TOO OLD.

YEAH.

NO, OTTO, WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS

I GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO, OK? ADULT THINGS.

LIKE, UH, PLAYING WITH MATCHES.

AND, UH, EATING CANDY FROM STRANGERS.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, STRANGERS

WHO, BY THE WAY, HAVE THE BEST CANDY.

BUT I GUESS YOU WOULDN'T KNOW THAT, WOULD YOU?

HERE'S YOUR FOOD, DOUGHBOYS.

HEY, UM, BILLY, CAN I BORROW A BUCK?

DID YOU JUST CALL ME A CHICKEN?

NO, I NEED A BUCK.

BUCK.

AS IN "BUCK-BUCK", AS IN CHICKEN CLUCKING NOISES, RIGHT?

GO AHEAD, DENY IT.

I WASN'T CALLING ANYBODY A CHICKEN.

BUT MAYBE YOU ARE.

UH-HUH, I SEE WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.

I CAN READ YOUR SILENT LITTLE STARES.

MY STATUS AS YOUR GOD-LIKE ROLE MODEL IS IN DANGER, ISN'T IT?

YOU'RE ALL JUST DARING ME TO ENTER THAT CONTEST.

GO AHEAD AND ENTER.

MY DAD AND I WILL WIPE THE FLOOR WITH YOU ANYWAY.

WE WIN EVERY YEAR.

OH, IS THAT SO, MR. RUSSIAN HOCKEY TEAM?

WELL, ALL RIGHT, YOU JUST THREW DOWN THE GAUNTLET.

FROM HERE ON IN, I'M IN TRAINING.

I'M GONNA GO HOME, I'M GONNA PULL OUT THE NAUTILUS,

I'M GONNA SLATHER MYSELF UP WITH BENGAY,

I'M GONNA PUT ON THE KEDS AND RUN MAYBE 12 MILES.

CAN I GET A LITTLE MORE CHOCOLATE SAUCE ON THIS?

BY SATURDAY I'M GONNA BE LOOKING LIKE BUSTER CRABBE.

ISN'T HE DEAD?

WELL, I'LL LOOK LIKE HIM BEFORE HE DIED.

WASN'T HE, LIKE, 90 YEARS OLD?

HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO BUSTER CRABBE IS?

YOU'RE 10 YEARS OLD, AND YOU KNOW WHO BUSTER CRABBE IS?

THAT'S SICK.

�[Stand by R.E.M playing]

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� NOW FACE NORTH

� THINK ABOUT DIRECTION

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� NOW STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU WORK �

� NOW FACE WEST

� THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� NOW FACE NORTH

� THINK ABOUT DIRECTION

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� NOW STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU WORK �

� NOW FACE WEST

� THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU ARE �

� SO STAND

GO ON, HONEY? WHO IS IT?

IT'S BUCHANAN.

NO.

IT'S CARTER. NO.

ALL RIGHT, IT'S JEFFERSON.

TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH.

WELL, IT'S HARD TO SEE THROUGH ALL THIS DAMN SYRUP.

OH.

YOU KNOW,

BREAKFAST HAS BECOME SO MUCH MORE INTERESTING

SINCE WE GOT THESE PRESIDENTIAL COMMEMORATIVE PLATES.

I KNEW WE'D ENJOY THEM, BUT NEVER TO THIS EXTENT.

GLADYS, WAS JEFFERSON ASSASSINATED?

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

UH, I GUESS IT'S A CHIP IN THE PLATE.

HEY, DAD, LOOK WHAT I FOUND

WHILE I WAS RUMMAGING THROUGH THE ATTIC.

IT'S YOUR OLD POTATO SACK.

OH, LOOK, FRED, IT'S YOUR OLD RACING SACK

FROM THE NEWSPAPER BOY FATHER AND SON GAMES.

GLADYS, I THOUGHT WE HAD THE ATTIC SEALED UP

DURING OUR EXORCIST PANIC.

DAD, REMEMBER, THIS IS THE ONE WE LOST THE TROPHY WITH IN '65.

AND THEN WE CAME BACK TO LOSE AGAIN IN '66.

AND THEN WE REALLY PULLED IT TOGETHER IN '68

WHEN YOU RUPTURED A DISC.

BOY, DOES THAT BRING BACK MEMORIES.

YEAH, LIKE BEING HUMILIATED

AND SPIT ON.

DAD, DO YOU EVER MISS IT?

I MEAN THE THRILL OF COMPETITION,

THE WIND IN YOUR HAIR

AS YOU HOP DOWN THE FIELD,

EATING THE DUST OF YOUR BETTERS?

AND REMEMBER YOU WERE BOTH

QUITE PITIFUL IN THE EGG RACES, TOO?

THAT'S RIGHT.

DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT MAYBE,

I DON'T KNOW, RELIVING THOSE

GLORIOUS FAILURES OF YESTERYEAR?

NO, NEVER.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

AND THAT'S WHY I'VE SIGNED US BOTH UP

FOR THE NEWSPAPER BOY FATHER AND SON DAY.

OH, FRED.

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

I WOULD NEVER, REPEAT,

NEVER PUT MYSELF THROUGH THAT LIVING HELL AGAIN.

DAD, COME ON.

THAT WAS BACK THEN. YOU KNOW, YOU WEREN'T REALLY

IN THE BEST OF SHAPE BACK THEN.

I MEAN NOW YOU'RE IN YOUR MID TO LATE 60's,

YOU'RE 50 TO 20 POUNDS HEAVIER,

YOUR CHOLESTEROL'S UP,

AND YOU'VE GOT THOSE REALLY TOUGH HARD ARTERIES.

YOU'RE AN ANIMAL NOW, DAD.

I THINK IT'S A WONDERFUL IDEA, FRED.

AND I THINK IT WOULD BE NICE

IF YOU TWO DID SOMETHING TOGETHER FOR A CHANGE.

WHAT? GLADYS,

IT'S NOT LIKE THAT CAT'S IN THE CRADLE SONG.

HE'S LIVED HERE FOR 30 YEARS.

BOY, YOU REALLY KNOW WHAT BUTTONS TO PUSH, DAD.

I DON'T WANT YOU TWO DRIFTING APART.

REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT BOY UP THE STREET?

HIS FATHER DIDN'T SPEND ENOUGH TIME WITH HIM,

SO HE HITCHHIKED ACROSS THE COUNTRY,

LEAVING A TRAIL OF BODIES IN HIS WAKE.

OH, AT LEAST IT GOT HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE.

COME ON, DAD, PLEASE.

NO.

PLEASE?

NO.

PLEASE!

NO!

WELL, OK.

I GUESS I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO MAKE THE OLD "FACE".

OH, JEEZ.

YEAH, I THINK IF YOU REMEMBER,

I GOT MY FIRST SET OF HOT WHEELS

THANKS TO "THE FACE".

I GOT THE, UH, MOD-HAIRED G.I. JOE

THANKS TO "THE FACE".

AND, UH, WELL, SOMETHING THE TWO OF YOU PROBABLY DON'T KNOW,

UM, THANKS TO "THE FACE", I LOST MY VIRGINITY.

YOU CAN'T DO "THE FACE" ANYMORE.

YOU HAVEN'T GOT THE CHOPS.

IT USED TO BE CUTE, BUT NOW IT'S PATHETIC.

COME ON, DAD, YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO CRACK LIKE A CHEAP SUIT.

YEAH, RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU ASKED FOR IT. HERE I GO.

[clears throat]

[sniffs]

OH, IT'S SO CUTE.

IT'S LIKE HAVING OUR LITTLE CHRIS BACK.

I'M NOT LOOKING.

OH,

IT'S SO UGLY.

IT'S WORSE THAN I REMEMBER.

BUT AT LEAST YOU CAN'T KEEP IT UP FOREVER.

OH, YEAH?

WATCH ME.

GOOD MORNING, MOTHER.

GOOD MORNING, FATHER.

ALL RIGHT, IT'S BEEN 3 DAYS.

YOU WIN. ENOUGH. I GIVE UP.

IF IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO YOU, I'LL DO IT.

OH, DAD, THANKS.

THANKS, DAD.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO REGRET THIS.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE A BALL.

CHRIS, I SAID I'D DO IT. YOU CAN DROP "THE FACE" NOW.

I ACTUALLY DROPPED IT 2 DAYS AGO.

IT'S FROZEN LIKE THIS.

MAN, DAD, I'M PUMPING ENOUGH ADRENALINE TO LIGHT UP VEGAS.

WE'RE GOING TO BE THE HITS OF FATHER AND SON DAY.

I THINK WE HAVE THE ADVANTAGE

IF THEY LET US USE OUR OWN SPOONS.

[both grunting]

IT'S NOT EXACTLY THE WAY I REMEMBER IT.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

[thumping]

[gasps]

YOU KNOW, DAD. I KNOW IT LOOKS PRETTY BAD,

BUT IT'S REALLY JUST FUN AND GAMES.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

HI.

HI. SO YOU GUYS ARE SIGNING UP?

MMM-HMM.

YOU'RE GONNA NEED HELMETS,

PADDING,

AND YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO SIGN THIS RELEASE FORM

IN CASE YOU GET PARALYZED.

FOR YOUR COMFORT AND PEACE OF MIND,

YOU'LL NOTICE WE'VE GOT A LOT MORE AMBULANCES HERE THAN LAST YEAR.

SO WE'RE NOT GONNA RUN OUT OF OXYGEN AGAIN.

YOU IN PARTICULAR OUGHT TO LIKE THAT.

THAT'S IT. I'M A DOT.

COME ON, DAD, YOU'RE MUCH, MUCH MORE THAN THAT.

COME ON, LET'S GIVE IT A CHANCE, HUH? COME ON.

GOOD AFTERNOON, EVERYBODY,

I WANT TO WELCOME YOU ALL

TO THE FATHER AND SON GLADIATOR BATTLES.

[crowd cheering]

I SEE SOME FAMILIAR FACES OUT THERE.

IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK AND AMBULATORY.

YOU KNOW IN RECENT YEARS,

THE TREND HAS BEEN AWAY FROM COMPETITION

AND A WIN-AT-ALL-COST MENTALITY.

BUT NOT HERE.

[crowd cheering]

HERE, THERE'S ONLY GOING TO BE ONE WINNING TEAM.

AND THE REST OF YOU ARE...

WELL, LOSERS.

[crowd hollering]

AND WHO WOULD YOU RATHER BE ON A PLANE WITH?

I KNOW MY CHOICE.

[crowd cheering]

[sighs]

OK, THEY'RE NUTS.

LOOK, DAD, SO IT'S NOT A COMPLETE LOSS

I'LL RACE YOU TO THE CAR.

[groans]

SO YOU ACTUALLY HAD THE GUTS TO SHOW UP.

YEAH. YEAH, WE'RE HERE.

BUT, UH, YEAH, I DON'T THINK WE'RE GONNA STAY.

IT DOESN'T LOOK, UH, CHALLENGING ENOUGH FOR US.

UH, WE'D BE BORED.

IT'S PRETTY MUCH JUST BABY GAMES HERE.

SEE, I TOLD YOU THEY'D WUSS OUT, DIDN'T I, DAD?

CALL ME RICK.

3-TIME FATHER-SON GLADIATOR BATTLE CHAMPION,

PART-TIME WELDER. HOW YOU DOING?

WHERE'S YOUR KID?

UH, I DON'T HAVE ANY CHILDREN. I'M BARREN.

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU MEAN, YOU'RE GONNA COMPETE IN THIS THING

WITH GRANNY HERE?

WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL MY DEAR PAPA?

OH, CHRIS, IT DOESN'T MATTER, PAPA OR GRANNY.

NO, NO, YOU WAIT A SECOND, DAD.

YES, WE'RE GONNA COMPETE,

AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. WE'RE GONNA WIN.

AND WE'RE GONNA WIN FOR ONE REASON, AND ONE REASON ONLY.

AND GUESS WHAT? I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU THAT REASON.

SEE, THAT'S ALL PART OF OUR LITTLE STRATEGY HERE.

AND YOU'RE ALREADY PSYCHED OUT.

WELL, NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE US,

MY DAD AND I ARE GONNA GO DO SOME WARM-UP SQUATS.

COME ON, OTTO.

IT'S GONNA BE FUN KICKIN' THE CRAP OUT OF THOSE GUYS.

MMM, I LOVE YOU, DAD.

[grunting]

[Fletcher chattering over P.A. system]

YOU KNOW WHAT, CHRIS?

AT FIRST, I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS

BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID OF BEING HUMILIATED,

BUT NOW I DON'T WANT TO DO IT BECAUSE I'M AFRAID I'LL DIE.

COME ON, DAD, WE CAN'T BACK OUT NOW.

ALL THE NEWSPAPER BOYS ARE HERE.

OUR FAMILY NAME AND HONOR IS AT STAKE.

WHY DON'T WE JUST DRESS UP AS WOMEN AND SNEAK OFF

LIKE OUR ANCESTORS DID ON THE TITANIC?

NAH, COME ON, DAD.

LET'S BE MEN FOR ONCE IN OUR LIVES, SHALL WE?

COME ON.

NOW BEFORE WE START THE FIRST EVENT,

AS USUAL I'D LIKE TO REMIND EVERYONE

TO PLAY SAFELY AND FAIRLY.

AND AS USUAL I EXPECT YOU ALL TO IGNORE THAT.

[crowd cheering]

THAT'S WHY WE HAVE DR. KRAMER HERE.

COME ON UP HERE, DOC.

[all applauding]

I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY THAT I HOPE NO ONE DIES.

PROBABLY SOMEONE WILL.

JUST A STATISTICAL REALITY WITH A GATHERING THIS LARGE.

[crowd cheering]

OK, THE FIRST EVENT IS CALLED

"HAVING TO STAY ON THESE PEDESTALS

AS LONG AS YOU CAN WITHOUT GETTING KNOCKED OFF."

FIRST TEAMS ARE IN PLACE.

READY?

[whistle blowing]

[crowd cheering]

[both groaning]

OK. THE NEXT CHALLENGERS ARE FRED AND CHRIS.

THE PETERSONS.

CHRIS, WE DON'T STAND A CHANCE AGAINST THOSE HE-MEN.

DAD, DON'T WORRY.

THE BRAIN IS MORE POWERFUL THAN THE BODY.

WE'LL DEFEAT THEM WITH OUR MINDS.

I WISH I WERE DEAD.

WATCH THIS.

TIME, TIME. MR. REFEREE? EXCUSE ME.

UH, I KNOW THAT MAN UP THERE,

AND HE'S NOT A FATHER.

HE'S ONLY A STEP-FATHER.

[crowd groaning]

GET THEM OUT OF MY SIGHT.

[crowd booing]

OH, MY, I GUESS IT'S A DEFAULT.

OK, THE REPLACEMENT TEAM IS

RICK AND OTTO, THE WALTERS.

[crowd cheering]

TIME, TIME, MR. REFEREE?

ALL RIGHT, DAD, LOOK. JUST CONCENTRATE, OK?

WE'RE GONNA WIN THIS ONE.

JUST IMAGINE YOU'RE A BRICK WALL

ROOTED 100 FEET IN THE GROUND.

DON'T LET ANYTHING TAKE YOUR MIND OFF THAT.

JUST THINK "BRICK WALL, BRICK WALL", YOU'RE...

HEY, LOOK, THERE'S MOM.

WAVE, DAD, IT'S MOM. HI.

[both groaning]

[crowd gasping]

[crowd chuckling]

THAT WASN'T SO BAD.

IT'S KINDA LIKE PLAYING BADMINTON, HUH?

WHAT JERKS.

NOW IT'S PAYBACK TIME.

[both groaning]

[crowd laughing]

HEY, YOU KNOW,

I'M ACTUALLY STARTING

TO GET GOOD AT THIS FALLING THING.

JUST LET YOUR FACE CATCH THE BRUNT OF IT, DAD.

IT'S NATURE'S SHOCK ABSORBER.

HEY, PETERSONS. YOUR STRATEGY SEEMS TO BE WORKING.

WE'RE GETTING MORE PSYCHED OUT BY THE MINUTE.

[scoffs]

[laughs]

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE SUCH IDIOTS.

THEY DON'T REALIZE MY HEAD'S RINGING SO LOUDLY,

I CAN'T HEAR A WORD THEY'RE SAYING.

IS THAT MY TOOTH OR YOURS?

(Fletcher) THIS NEXT ONE TAKES A LITTLE TESTOSTERONE.

IT'S ONE I LIKE TO CALL

"TRYING TO STAY ON THE BEAM

"WHILE MEDICINE BALLS ARE BEING THROWN AT YOU,

WITHOUT GETTING KNOCKED OFF".

YOU KNOW, DAD, THIS ONE ISN'T VERY MUCH DIFFERENT

THAN THE SPOONS THING,

WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE POSSIBILITY

OF SNAPPING OUR SPINAL CHORDS.

[both groaning]

CHRIS,

I'M REALLY STARTING TO LOSE MY PATIENCE.

I WOULD LIKE A HAMBURGER AND A SPECIAL CHEESE SHAKE,

SOME CHOCOLATE SAUCE, I BLESS YOU,

AND THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING McDONALDS.

CHRIS, SNAP OUT OF IT.

I WANT YOU COHERENT WHEN I TELL YOU OFF.

OH, DAD. HI. DID WE WIN?

SEE, GUYS, I TOLD YOU CHRIS WAS NOTHING SPECIAL.

NO, CHRIS, SAY IT ISN'T TRUE.

AH, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

WE'RE JUST SAVING OUR STRENGTH, RIGHT, DAD?

RIGHT, FOR THE RIDE HOME.

YEAH, RIGHT.

COME ON, DAD.

GREAT, WE'RE GOING HOME, HUH?

NO, DAD, WE HAVE 2 MORE EVENTS. WE'RE DOING SO WELL.

OH, FORGET IT, CHRIS.

DAD, THOSE ARE THE PEOPLE I WORK WITH.

NOW I NEED THEIR RESPECT.

FOR THAT YOU CAN'T GO 2 LOUSY EVENTS?

I CAN GO 2 EVENTS,

BUT YOUR MOTHER'S WORRIED SICK.

OH, LET'S GET IT THE HELL OVER WITH.

GREAT, LISTEN.

THIS ONE'S REALLY EASY.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS HOIST ME UP ON YOUR SHOULDERS,

AND THEN RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN FOR 250 YARDS.

AH, IT'S A SNAP. OK.

OK. COME ON, DAD. KEEP YOUR HEAD UP.

KEEP YOUR HEAD UP.

TROT. NOTHING CAN STOP US NOW!

[groans]

(Rick) YEAH, ALL RIGHT!

NICE FORM, LOSERS.

YOU STINK.

DAD.

OH, DAD, I'M SORRY.

DAD, I SHOULDN'T HAVE PUT YOU THROUGH THIS.

OH, WE CAN'T COMPETE WITH THEM ANYMORE.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S OK.

WE HAD OUR TIME.

I MEAN, WE FAILED BACK THEN, TOO.

BUT IT WAS OUR TIME.

AND THEY CAN'T TAKE THOSE MEMORIES AWAY FROM US.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

MAYBE WE CAN DISTORT THOSE MEMORIES ENOUGH

AND ONE DAY BELIEVE THAT WE WERE ACTUALLY WINNERS.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY, DAD?

I WANNA QUIT.

I WANNA GO HOME.

WELL, YOU PANSY-FACE WUSS-GIRL.

I'M SORRY?

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WANT TO QUIT

AFTER ALL WE'VE BEEN THROUGH.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,

BUT I'M SICK OF BEING PUSHED AROUND

BY THOSE PATHETIC WEASELS OVER THERE.

NOW YOU CAN SIT HERE ON YOUR CANDY BOTTOM

AND CROCHET A LITTLE DOLL'S HOUSE TO PLAY IN,

BUT I'M GONNA GO RACK ME UP A BODY COUNT.

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT, DAD.

YOU WANT ME TO STAY HERE WHILE YOU GO GET THE CAR?

OUTTA MY WAY, BOY, IT'S CLOBBERING TIME.

[both grunting]

COME ON.

YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?

[groans]

WHO'S NEXT?

YOU'RE THE DISEASE, I'M THE MEDICINE.

YIPPEE-KIE-YAY. HUBBA, HUBBA.

[water splashing] OH, FRED!

IS THAT THE BEST YOU'VE GOT, DIRTBAGS?

[grunting]

[crowd gasping]

(Gladys) OH, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

(Fred) WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, SMILEY?

HERE'S ONE FOR YOU, LADY.

I HEARD THAT.

[woman screaming]

LEAVE HIM ALONE. GET OFF HIM.

LEAVE HIM ALONE. IT'S NOT HIS FAULT.

HE'S GOING THROUGH THE CHANGE.

IT'S MALE MENOPAUSE.

HE JUST HAD A HOT-FLASH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

DON'T WORRY, DAD.

WE'LL STICK BY YOU, NO MATTER WHAT.

AND WE'LL COME AND VISIT YOU,

UNLESS IT'S ONE OF THOSE MAXIMUM SECURITY THINGS

BECAUSE, FRANKLY, I FIND THOSE RATHER DEPRESSING.

LET ME THROUGH, LET ME THROUGH.

HOLD IT DOWN.

LET ME HAVE YOUR ATTENTION.

WHILE THE PARAMEDICS GATHER UP THE SCATTERED REMAINS

OF THOSE WEAK-KNEED LOSERS,

LET ME TAKE AN OPPORTUNITY TO PRESENT THIS TROPHY

TO FRED AND CHRIS PETERSON,

THE FATHER AND SON TEAM WHO'VE MOST CAPTURED

THE SPIRIT OF THESE GAMES,

WINNING AT ALL COSTS.

[crowd cheering]

NEVER BEFORE

HAVE I SEEN SUCH A BLATANT DISREGARD FOR RULES

AND OTHER PEOPLE'S SAFETY.

IT'S GONNA BE A TOUGH RECORD TO BEAT NEXT YEAR.

WOW, DAD, WE WON SOMETHING.

WE ACTUALLY WON SOMETHING.

AND LOOK AT MOM,

I'VE NEVER SEEN HER LOOK HAPPIER.

WOW, WE'RE WINNERS.

NO THANKS TO YOU, PANSY.

I LOVE YOU, DAD.

GEE, CHRIS, CONGRATULATIONS.

I GUESS I WAS WRONG.

YOU REALLY ARE SOMEONE TO LOOK UP TO.

UH, DUH.

AND YOU'VE TAUGHT US A LESSON ABOUT YOURSELF

AND ABOUT OLD PEOPLE.

HOW THEY SHOULD BE RESPECTED,

AND, UH, EVEN FEARED.

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY,

THAT THEY HAVE A VALUE IN SOCIETY.

OH, THAT'S SWEET.

WOULD YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS LIKE SOME CHICKEN, CHRIS?

WHO'S THE OLD HAG?

NO, I'M JUST KIDDING.

WE REALLY DID LEARN A MEANINGFUL LESSON TODAY.

ALL RIGHT, YOU LITTLE TWERPS. GET OUT OF HERE.

I'LL SEE YOU BRIGHT AND EARLY MONDAY.

BOY, DAD, YOU REALLY MADE ME PROUD THAT YOU'RE MY FATHER TODAY.

YEAH, IT WAS GREAT.

I... I JUST WISH THEY HADN'T STOPPED ME BEFORE

I COULD PULVERIZE THOSE WIMPS IN THE 2ND ROW.

BOY, WHAT A GREAT DAY TO BE A PETERSON.

OH.

YOU KNOW, I WANT TO THANK YOU, DAD.

BUT I'M NOT SURE I KNOW HOW.

OH, WAIT A SECOND,

I THINK I KNOW HOW.

� AND THE CAT'S IN THE CRADLE �

� AND THE SILVER SPOON

� LITTLE BOY BLUE AND THE MAN IN THE MOON �

� WHEN YOU COMIN' HOME, DAD, I DON'T KNOW WHEN �

� BUT WE'LL GET TOGETHER THEN �

� DAD, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME THEN �