Original subtitles

[posh accent] Big squash for my lady!

Are you all right? Your eyes have gone all small, like a snake.

I'm grand.

OK, podcast about cults, or sad songs by sad women?

Sad songs, please.

[sighs]

You look adorable.

You been drinking milk again?

- Your skin's gone to shit. - Mm.

I know it soothes you to criticise, so you go for it, mama.

I've got some acid-y stuff in the bathroom.

- I think you need some acid-y stuff. - Am I on Queer Eye?

- Just saying. - Thank you.

OK, so, first pill on...

- Tuesday. - ...Tuesday, I have it written down.

At the, um...

- [chuckles softly] - Clinic, grandad.

Clinic. Um, I will meet you there.

And then, second pill on Wednesday, at home.

And then, the messy bit.

I will get the post aborsh essentials in.

Pringles, gummies, the paints.

- Paints? - You might want to paint?

- I won't. - Hm.

[groans]

- Are you leaving? - No.

I'll stay until you fall asleep.

[calming music plays in background]

[high-pitched ringing]

[eerie music plays]

[muffled music in earphones]

[breathes sharply]

What am I, Sabrina the fucking Teenage Witch, now?

[water running]

What the fuck?

[eerie music plays]

Look, I am taking my meds.

I am drinking 2.5 litres of water a day,

even though water makes me too aware of the flavour of my own mouth,

and I'm even doing therapy, albeit via an app,

potentially with an AI bot.

So, for the tenth time this week,

I ask you, why are you here?

[exhales deeply]

[chuckles]

Nice try, but I'm stronger than you.

For one thing, I'm real.

But we love blood.

Well, I love sanity.

We can't always get what we want.

Has potential.

[metallic clanging]

Good luck getting that blood you speak of.

- [loud clattering] - WOMAN: Hey!

MAN: Oh, my God, Dave, I'm covered in knives.

EDDIE: [muffled] ...This new American reality show I really wanna watch.

It's women who married serial killers, through their daily lives.

Like, Real Housewives of Mass Murder.

Apparently, Ted Bundy's widow is wild.

What are you doing here, anyway? Thought I wasn't seeing you 'til tomorrow.

Uh, I...

I need a coffee.

[calming music plays in background]

EDDIE: The appointment's at 11, OK?

If you're late, I will not share my painkillers with you.

I'm gonna take the rest of the day off, if you wanna hang?

Celebrate my final day of being with child.

Right, um, no I can't.

I promised Coco I'd go visit.

Do you remember Coco? I was on the ward with her.

Oh, yeah. No, I get it, of course.

[groans softly] I think I'm getting sympathy pregnant,

my stomach is fucked.

- D'you have any Imodium? - Did you eat melted cheese?

Maybe. I wouldn't know.

Aww.

I'm fine, I'm just...

Just gonna miss it here.

Course you are.

We should do something with the money.

Not something stupid like Jay. Like, we should go somewhere.

- IKEA. - No, we should, like,

fuck off out of here, somewhere sunny where you can write

and I can just be sad and sexy.

OK, I love that.

We could go to LA.

Yes, we could be Poundland Kardashians!

Drive around in a big car and talk about gratitude.

OK, I gotta go.

Coco lives in the arse-end of nowhere,

and I have to shower first, but get an Airbnb,

Find us our Kardashian house.

Be the Kris.

When am I not the Kris?

[door opens]

[upbeat music plays in background]

[breathes deeply]

[sighs]

[phone vibrates]

We literally just discussed this.

[breathes deeply]

[birds chirping]

[knocks on door]

- COCO: There you are! - Hey, Coco.

Took you bloody long enough.

I'm gonna have to work and chat, I'm afraid.

I had a call girl hen do place a massive order last week.

- You look weird. - It's really the warmth

- and compassion I come here for. - What did you come here for?

- I need help with a play I'm writing. - You can't put me in it.

- I'll sue you. - You can't be in it,

- it's a fictional play. - Hm.

But there is a character with schizophrenia.

- Are they a serial killer? - No.

- I swear to God, if they-- - I'm mentally ill, too.

- Why would I do that? - But not in as cool a way.

Hang on, I'll get Mum in here.

Linda!

Linda, can you come here?

- Oh, Jesus. - Bring the biscuits!

No, it's-- Mum'll just remember this stuff better than me.

I mean, she's not crazy.

Also, she knows loads about this stuff.

She bloody loves mental illness.

She loves mental illness?

She won't stop banging on about it.

Oreos for the screamer.

Mum, Maggie wants to exploit my debilitating illness for artistic gain,

so I'm gonna need help recalling my trauma.

Mm, I'm writing a fictional play,

where there's a character with schizophrenia,

and I just had a couple of questions,

nothing, like, intrusive.

- They're not a serial killer, are they? - No!

- [Coco chuckles] - So, this character,

um, she starts seeing things, things that aren't there,

and she starts to think, "Oh, maybe I've got schizophrenia."

- OK, no, straight away, this is bollocks. - What do you mean?

Nobody with schizophrenia would ever think they had schizophrenia.

Hang on, love. That's your experience. Everyone is different.

I never thought there was anything wrong with me.

I thought the things I was seeing and hearing were real.

Also, write this down, I am non-violent.

Never even swatted a fly.

COCO'S MUM: One thing I will say is,

hallucinations aren't exclusive to schizophrenia.

- I told you, she fucking loves it. - Well, it's very interesting

what the mind does to itself.

And it differs so much, person to person.

That character might be better off going to see a psychiatrist.

OK, right.

What else?

- No, I think that's it. - What?

I have way more trauma to dump.

Aw, well, if I have more questions, I can come back.

I'm guessing the bulk of your research has come from A Beautiful Mind.

Uh, put some respect on John Nash's name.

He did a lot for you people.

[birds chirping]

Huh?

[eerie music plays]

[children laughing]

She's got zero sense of direction.

It's pathetic.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

MAN: G'day.

Yes, it's me, Dr John Cade, himself.

Please, no curtseys.

Do you have a phone I can borrow?

No, I don't.

I'm a hallucinated doctor from the past.

[screams]

[upbeat music plays]

EDDIE: I'm actually feeling a bit nervy.

I don't wanna go all sweaty and bleed-y, like Penny from Dirty Dancing.

Anyway, just checking you're awake.

We've gotta be at GIRLBORSH in two hours.

This is a boar, right?

I'm gonna say it's a boar.

Taxidermy's so gross.

Unless it's by my godfather.

- Damien Hirst. - Aw, man.

Dad and me went to this junk sale held by this old East End gangster,

and I begged him to get this for me.

- What are you doing? - Just putting shit on eBay.

Are you finally doing a reno'?

My mate, Carlos, is this super tight concrete artist.

- I'll get you his number. - No.

Did I not tell you? We sold the bar.

- What? - Yeah. Yeah, we're closing.

But don't worry, my friend, Dean, needs someone shallow and inefficient

to work at his new vegan mezcal bar.

I told him I had the perfect candidate.

What are you doing?

And this is how you tell me?

I'm sorry. I had no idea you'd give a shit.

[crying] This bar, it's like my home, you know?

No, this bar is like... my home.

[crying]

BOY: You spent the whole night outside, like a farm animal.

Would anyone like to hear the story about how I discovered lithium

as a psychiatric treatment? - BOTH BOYS: No.

It all started when I began taking piss from the nutters in the nutter ward,

and injecting it into guinea pigs.

I hate him. Why is he here?

He's creepy.

Uh, pot, kettle, black, guys.

Where are you going?

To find the station. Eddie needs me, today.

[upbeat music plays in background]

For a pinball machine?

Eddie.

I need to come clean about something.

OK, make it quick. I've got an appointment to get to.

[exhales deeply]

My name isn't Klent.

- What? - You got it wrong when we met,

and my mother told me, the key to a good interview

- is to blindly agree with everything. - [chuckles] OK.

I did think it was weird.

I know, right? Klent.

- [laughing] - It's not a name.

Ah...

- So, what is your name? - It's Krent.

[chuckles softly]

Oh, thank fuck.

BOY: This is really dangerous.

Yeah, go on. This is basic personal safety stuff.

- He looks weird. - MAGGIE: He looks fine.

[eerie music plays]

[classical music plays in car]

I'm Maggie, by the way.

Maggie Donovan.

You say your name, now.

It's Leon.

- Where do you want me to take you? - Take me?

I-- I, um...

I need to go to the...

You know, the-- the, "Choo-choo!"

Uh...

Thomas the Tank Engine's house.

- Train station? - Train station!

That is the one. Sorry!

My brain has been wrecked, lately.

Just totally loco.

JOHN: I think it was a happy accident, really.

I was just using it, cos I had some lying around.

I should explain, I'd injected the guinea pigs with that piss.

- Tell him to shut up. - Shut up!

Shut up! I love this song.

[classical music plays louder]

The guinea pigs loved the lithium,

so I just thought, "OK, time to try it on humans."

That's psychiatry, baby!

[pop music plays in background]

[eerie music plays]

No-one would hear you scream here, huh?

JOHN: The most impressive thing about my discovery,

is that it's impossible for a bipolar patient to become suicidal,

as long as their lithium levels stay within the correct range.

Well, that's bullshit.

- She'll be here in a minute. - We need to do the scan

- and the first pill. - Get off my dick, Kaz.

Noted.

- We could do it tomorrow. - No, I need this done today.

It's just that we have to close early today,

due to repeated staff death threats.

Fine, fine.

No bestie for Eddie.

- Well, we're all besties here-- - No!

[eerie music plays]

- [grunts] Stop the car! - What are you doing?

- No! - I will not go quick!

You'll have to bleach my blood off your skin.

- I'll bite anything that dangles! - Don't hurt me!

- No, you don't hurt me! - What?

- Stop the car! - [screams]

[panting] Please, I have a family.

I've got ferrets!

What're you talking about?

You're the creepy one.

You were talking to yourself!

What did I do that was creepy?

[stutters]

I mean, you look creepy!

Oh, well, explain this fucking murder lane we're on, then.

This is the way to the station.

I just wanted to do a good deed.

My mum died last month, and I've been feeling a bit...

...disconnected from the world, and I thought

you were one of those runaway teens you see on the news.

- [crying] - Oh, God.

I'm sorry. I am so sorry,

but I really need to go.

[lively percussive music plays]

Sorry, it-- it was just straight ahead?

LEON: Yeah, it's straight down, on the right.

MAGGIE: Cheers.

Oh, my God, Eddie.

Excuse me, um, is there an abortion...

...shop around here?

Hi, uh...

Hello, I'm here. I'm-- I'm here for Eddie Rushden.

I'm late, I think. Um, I think I'm late.

Hey, girlie. You here to exercise your rights?

No, uh... Eddie Rushden?

Um, she's booked in for, um...

One of those... Like, a w-- a womb sweep.

Is she still here?

Eddie-- Eddie was in yesterday.

No. Um, no, it might be down under Theodora.

Uh, yeah. See, her appointment was Tuesday at 11:00.

- That's yesterday. - No, that's-- that's not, um...

If you have any issues, just give us a call.

[eerie music plays]

- Can't believe she didn't show up. - I know.

EDDIE: Who the fuck flakes out on their best friend's abortion?

♪ Look up ♪

♪ Lean back ♪

♪ Be strong ♪

♪ You didn't think you'd live this long ♪

♪ Be as one ♪

♪ Hold on ♪

♪ Steady stand ♪

♪ For as long as you think you can ♪

[children laughing]

[song fades]

[eerie music plays]

We literally just discussed this.

[birds chirping]

Maggie...

Are you OK?

Yeah.

I just have to go to the--

Sorry, I keep having this weird thing lately, um...

Not all the time, but where I can't find the...

I can't think of the...

- Word? - Yeah.

You're on lithium, aren't you?

Oh, yeah. And proud.

- Have you had your levels done recently? - Um...

If there's something wrong with your levels,

if they're too high or too low, that can cause problems.

But I've been taking my medication. I've been taking the right amount.

No, love, it wouldn't be your fault.

Why don't you come back in?

I can take you down to urgent care.

No, no, um...

I'm OK. Sorry, but I'm fine.

As much as I would love to spend my Monday evening

in a hospital waiting room, I would, but I have to get back.

It's Tuesday!

So, Murder Wives is not on any of the streamers,

but I found a pirate link, because I'm a bad boy.

Thank you.

For everything, the last two days.

Yeah, well, I love you, Eddie.

OK.

[laughing] I think you need those more than me, fanny.

I know you're feeling better if you're cracking out

the old school misogyny.

She's just ignoring me.

She's read my messages, why hasn't she replied?

You need to stop worrying about Maggie,

because if we're real, she's not worried about you.

Ouch.

Yeah, sorry.

No. No, you're right.

- [doorbell rings] - Ooh, that's the pinball guy.

- I'll go. - It's fine.

The codeine is codeine-ing.

I can't wait to mix it with wine on the flight.

What do you want?

I'm here for my pinball machine.

Klent said you were going away,

I thought you could use some extra spending money.

I can look after it for you, for when you come back.

If you come back.

Mm. You can keep it in your bunker.

[chuckles softly]

Eddie!

Eddie!

Eddie, it's me, please!

Eddie, are you-- I'm--

[crying] I'm-- I'm the worst.

I'm the worst. Please, just let me in. Please.

Please! Please! Please! Please! Please!

Look, I know...

- I know, just-- - She's gone, Maggie.

- What? - She's left.

No, c--

- She wouldn't leave without-- - Well, she has.

She doesn't need your permission.

- I gotta go back inside. - No, Will, there's--

I think there's something wrong with my brain.

Then get some help, Maggie.

[distant siren]

["I Do This All The Time" by Self Esteem playing]

[gate shuts]

♪ Look up ♪

♪ Lean back ♪

♪ Be strong ♪

♪ You didn't think you'd live this long ♪

♪ Be as one ♪

♪ Hold on ♪

♪ Steady stand ♪

♪ For as long as you think you can ♪

Eddie!

♪ I'll take care ♪

♪ I'll read again ♪

♪ I'll sing again ♪

♪ I will... ♪