Original subtitles

[ethereal music plays]

[children playing]

Nothing says you're in your early 30s like having to worry

about how many dads you've sucked off at a child's birthday party.

Is everything all right over here?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Well, congratulations on being the most boring people

at this boring people convention.

So, that, um... That new, um, reality show,

where the-- the hot girl has to figure out

which hot old man is her biological father,

starts tonight if you wanna come around.

I have to work.

Well, come after.

Maggie, I meant what I said.

I need some space.

You know Jonah was my last chance to save the bar, right?

And you ruined it.

[stutters]

Oh, OK. Cool apology.

I need to answer this.

[child screaming]

[phone vibrates]

Where are you going? It's cake time. I'm trying to hurry this up

so I can get these little freaks out of my garden.

- [child screams] - This is why we enrolled Mercury

in Buddhist meditation training from day one.

He hasn't screamed once, not since birth.

- Can I-- - Hurry up.

- Hello? - WOMAN: Theodora Rushden?

- Uh, speaking. - This is Amanda,

from the London Pregnancy Advice Centre.

Is now a good time to talk?

Oh, yeah, all good.

I can see here you're in need of an abortion.

We can actually provide the pills necessary for this via post,

we just need the date of your last period?

Cool.

So, what was the date of your last period?

Uh, right, um, can I give you an estimate?

- No. - OK, then I do not know.

Sorry, but, like, nobody knows that stuff.

Most people use period tracking apps.

And give the government my period data. No thanks.

Right, well, in that case,

we'll need you to come in for a scan, first.

- Fine. - The next available scan in London

- is in a month. - What?

No, I can't wait a month. I threw up on the tube this morning

and a bit went in a woman's bag, I didn't tell her.

Yesterday, I cried when I saw a banana lying alone on a table.

Prior to that, I hadn't cried in eight years.

I'm sorry. I could get you into a clinic in Carlisle next week,

- if you know anyone in Carlisle? - Is that a country?

Otherwise, you could always go private, if you can afford that.

They can do the scan and pills on the same day.

Fine. Well, thanks for nothing, I guess.

- No offence. - I've heard worse.

[exhales deeply]

[light music playing]

[sighs]

Oh, fuck it.

[pop music playing]

[door slams]

Hi, hi. Um, just wondering if you have any appointments for today?

Hey, girlie. You here to exercise your rights?

Uh... I'm sorry?

I'm Kaz, I'm a GIRLBORSH consultant.

- You're a doctor? - [chuckles] No, not at all.

No. My degree's in media.

Hey, girlie. You here to exercise your rights?

- You said that bit. - Sorry, it's my first week.

Um... I'm here to take you from preggo to fabbo.

Here at GIRLBORSH, we celebrate your right to choose.

- Can I get you a virgin mojito? - No, I'm in a bit of a rush,

- so if we could just-- - Totally, you gotta hustle.

[chuckles] You gotta slay.

You gotta-- gotta work.

So, you're here to have a medical aborsh.

Medical abortion, yes.

But, um, apparently, I need the scan thingy, too,

- cos I don't know when my last period was. - Been there.

I haven't been there. I'm not-- I don't have them.

Um...

Yes, we'll get that scan done for you, today,

then we'll just, you know, take it from there.

Do you have a 'borsh buddy with you?

- Uh, sorry? - Um, we encourage our patients

to bring a bestie and make a day of it.

You could, uh, grab a cocktail afterwards.

Depending on whether you have an averse reaction

- to the first pill. - Can that happen?

Are you interested in our Rad-Pad bundle?

Um, it's ££50 extra,

but you get 20 of our famously comfy GIRLBORSH pads.

They're especially designed to soak up all the, um...

- ...stuff. - Uh, no, just the basic package

- for me, I think. - [chuckles awkwardly]

- And no bestie? - No bestie.

Well, before we go any further, I will need to take payment,

which comes to £799.

[card reader chimes]

Do you take Klarna?

No.

I don't have £800 in my bank account.

Nobody does, that would be mental.

But I can get the money. I can get 800 measly pounds.

Maybe I can't save my bar,

but I can get 800, and I will, yeah?

You just watch me.

Trisha...

- KLENT: Hey, do you have any Bepanthen? - What?

Or coconut oil or something?

This thing is just super dry.

What the--

- Where's all the cash? - Uh, we're cashless, Eddie.

Jay set it up the other week. Seriously, some coconut oil, please.

- I had no idea you were religious, Klent. - I'm not.

Why have you got prayer hands tattooed on your neck, then?

- This is the clapping emoji, look! - OK, I don't have time for this.

There's Vaseline in the lost and found.

Ugh, why does everything cost money?

Why don't we have cheat codes, like in the Sims?

Ooh, d'you think this is worth anything?

No, my mother would laugh you out of her antique dealership.

[sighs] You know, prayer isn't just for the religious.

That tattoo artist lied to me.

Sure, mate.

You called. Well, you texted.

Hey, buddy. My little pal, my sunshine man!

[laughing] Wow, hi!

We haven't shared a hug since our GCSE results day.

- Not that I'm tracking hugs. - [chuckles]

- Thank you for coming down. - It's fine!

My boss is always like, "Get a life, Will!"

So, he didn't mind.

So, I have a favour to ask.

Yeah, anything. As long as it doesn't involve the word, "Jonah."

Uh...

The beer fridge, it's making that buzzing sound, again.

Not again! That rascal.

- What are these? - Oh, your brother was in earlier.

He was wearing the most beautifully cut suit.

- Fast forward to the info. - He had some contract

he wanted you to sign, he said to call him.

Maybe it was "crawl him?" I couldn't hear over my cranial massage.

- And the flyers! - Oh, my God, I'm getting to it.

It was something to do with your mum.

"Join us for the launch of Necks by Clara, at an independent designer showcase."

- Oh, God. Her weird scarf thing. - What weird scarf thing?

My mum started a range of designer skinny scarves.

She makes them out of...

...wider scarves.

She sent me several deranged texts about it.

Hm, I wonder who's paying for that.

Hm, probably the usual.

Some old prick with too much...

...money.

So, you're really gonna sell the bar?

Not necessarily.

♪ Oh, it's the bag for me Gotta get that money, honey ♪

♪ Oh, it's the bag for me Gotta hustle on ♪

♪ Oh, it's the bag for me Gotta get that money, honey ♪

♪ Oh, it's the bag for me... ♪

OK, just to thin the herd a bit,

if you're currently under police investigation

for sexual assault of any kind,

just please, count yourself out.

Time to channel Mummy.

I hate materialism. I don't even have a smartphone.

- Next. - I love refugees.

- [scoffs] No. - I just think women are so brave.

None of us will ever be truly happy until we've defeated capitalism.

Get the fuck out of here.

[groans]

Fuck.

You have a rescue dog? Get outta here.

What has happened to these people?

[sighs]

[dance music playing]

Finally.

Clive?

No, Clyde.

It's short for Archibald.

And what is it you do, Clyde?

I'm an entrepreneur. I happen to own a business nearby,

and thought it might be good for company morale

to bring my employees out for a couple of Magnums.

OK, and, uh, one more question.

Honestly, I can work with a yes or a no on this. Are you married?

Not at present.

Eddie, I'm a romantic at heart.

I have gone on the adventure of matrimony with five beautiful,

but, ultimately, disappointing women.

And now, I'm looking for a sixth.

Uno mas.

I just thought it was deeply unfair

that people blamed me for being on those flight logs.

I mean, it was a business trip!

I barely even knew Jeffrey.

- Oh, haters gonna hate. - Exactly!

- Uh, I'd better get back to my employees. - Oh...

Come with me. Make them feel valued for five minutes,

- then we can go for dinner at my club. - Yeah! Let's do that.

Yeah!

- Everyone, this is Ellie. - No, it's Eddie.

Yeah, no, it's fine. Hi, um, I'm Ellie, nice to m--

You've gotta be fucking kidding me!

I mean, God forbid, for once in my life,

I try the easy way out, right?

God forbid I try to rely on my perfect face and arse for once.

But no, no, no. I'll keep doing things the hard way.

As you were.

Good luck with the Epstein stuff.

And I'll see you next week.

See you next week.

You look weird. Have you been at a new money wedding?

Do I look like I'm in the mood, Klent?

[sighs]

Ew! Eddie, that is so unhygienic!

- [door opens] - MAGGIE: Do you need a hand?

No, thank you. I can manage.

I'd beg to differ.

What do you want, Maggie?

- Oh, I-- I'm just, um-- - When I said I needed some time apart,

- I meant more than a couple of days. - Ouch!

Can you go away?

You're always asking me to leave, and then you're so pissed off

when I'm, like, 40 minutes late.

Pick a thing.

I, um...

I thought-- I-- I left my copy of The Da Vinci Code here,

like, um... Ooh, like, six years ago,

and I just, um...

I just-- I just really wanted to read it.

Haven't seen it.

Huh.

That's weird.

Well, um...

- If it turns up-- - Yep.

[door opens]

- [sighs] - [phone vibrates]

I might actually hang myself with a skinny scarf.

[soft music playing]

WOMAN: Weenie!

Gosh! I didn't know you were coming.

You didn't reply to any of my messages.

Aren't you tricky?

- Hi, Mum. - So...

...what do you think of my creations?

Yeah, they're really...

- ...scarves. - Thank you, darling.

Look, I have, um, a favour to ask.

- I need to borrow some money. - Weenie... [sighs]

So horribly forthright.

Jay told me you were selling your little bar.

- Why on Earth would you need money? - You know about that?

- Thanks for checking up on me. - Darling, I've been exceptionally busy.

Listen, do you have much high-end retail experience?

- Um... - It's just, I need to go with the flow,

talk to the press, that kind of thing, so if you could just man the stall...

...we could talk about that favour, later.

Yeah, I'd love to.

[light chuckle]

[exhales deeply]

But, why are they £100?

Well, they're skinnier than you'll find

with your usual high street skinny scarves.

OK, forget it.

[scoffs] Nice of you to show up.

I've been at this pathetic craft fair for an hour already.

I had to pick up my mate, Leanne, from Streatham.

Mum asked me to bring a celebrity, so Leanne's gonna pretend

she was on the last series of Love Island.

[gasps]

- I've also brought the contract with me. - Can you back off?

I-- I need a minute.

[toilet flushes]

[gasps] Oh, Christ! Weenie!

You could've declared yourself or something.

You're always so spooky.

Sorry.

Well, in you go, then, darling.

I can listen to you wee, I did give birth to you.

Yeah, and, erm,

as compensation for that regrettable error,

can we talk about me borrowing some money?

[sighs]

How much do you need?

800 quid.

[sighs] Actually, Mum...

I don't wanna sell the bar.

And I know it's a lot, and we haven't always been close,

we've had our differences, but... I thought maybe you could--

Oh, Weenie. I hope you're not about to ask

what I think you're about to ask.

I'm a new business owner, I'm practically destitute.

- You own a townhouse in Primrose Hill. - Which I inherited

when my parents died, Weenie, thank you so much for the reminder.

Do you want me to hurl myself into the street so you can keep your bar?

- Dad's bar, yes. - Weenie...

That place was an albatross around your father's neck,

and to be quite frank, led directly to our divorce.

Oh, the bar caused the divorce, did it?

Not your affair with Jamie Theakston?

Alleged affair with Jamie Theakston.

Clara, you owe me!

I owe you what?

I lifetime's worth of giving a shit!

Why are you doing this on my big day?

I don't even know why I asked you. Just shows how desperate I am.

You can forget about that 800 quid!

You ungrateful little...

This is what I think of your scarves.

- [wretches loudly] - Oh, my--

[breathing heavily]

I mean, any normal scarf would be at least twice this thick.

So, I heard there was a major skinny scarf launch here, today,

and... I couldn't miss it.

Because Clara told me I couldn't.

You OK?

[glass clinking]

Where did she get champagne?

I always knew I was destined for great things.

I mean, I've already achieved so much.

I don't like to mention it, but I was signed to Storm,

before Kate Moss was even a twinkle in their eye,

and some still say I was the better model.

[chuckles] Oh, and of course, I was once engaged to Mick Jagger...

...'s manager.

I'll sign if you PayPal me £800, right now.

CLARA: But, my real achievement...

Make it £900, I'll need a Deliveroo.

[shouts] ...has been my gorgeous children,

who are here today.

You know, people are always assuming Theodora's my sister.

[chuckles] I mean, isn't that funny?

- [chuckles] - Done. No more bar.

But, I've always been a real entrepreneur at heart,

something I'm so pleased to see reflected...

...in both Theodora and Janus.

- [sighs] - [chuckles] You see,

they inherited this funny little bar from their father,

and Weenie has sweetly kept it going for a few years.

[chuckles softly] But, I am so proud to hear...

...they've sold it to a developer, who's gonna knock it all down

and turn it into some gorgeous luxury flats.

Isn't that fabulous?

- What? - I was gonna tell you--

- Luxury shitting flats? - Eddie, please.

Not at the Independent Designers Showcase.

It's a fucking craft fair, Clara!

- Jesus, Eddie, come on. - Get the fuck off me, Jay.

Eddie...

- Eddie, come, can we-- No. - Tear up that contract!

- What do you mean, "No"? - Come on, Eddie.

What have you done to keep that bar?

Applied for a business loan? A mortgage?

Face it, you want it sold as much as I do.

- Bullshit! - It was never your dream, it was Dad's!

You were gonna be a fancy lawyer who lived in a mansion in California.

That wasn't real, I was just obsessed with The OC.

OK, but the point is, your world was so big,

and then Dad died, and... it shrunk.

Oh, but you've processed Dad's death really well.

How's the apocalypse bunker going?

Got enough baked beans in there, yet?

Fine, I'll say it if you say it. I'm a bit fucked up.

Now, you go.

No?

You know, you have the worst case of martyr syndrome that I have ever seen.

When are you gonna start living for you?

- You're being really dramatic. - Am I?

- And what about Maggie? - What about Maggie?

Well, she needs you. She'd fall apart without you,

and that makes you feel good.

It's called friendship, Jay.

I'm sorry if you don't recognise it

because we don't wank onto biscuits together,

but Maggie has always, always been there for me.

Unlike some prematurely balding dickheads that I know.

All right, tell me, Eddie. What happens when you no longer

have anyone or anything to look after?

What happens then?

Fuck you, and fuck your dirty money!

What are you ripping up? I sent it on PayPal.

Eat shit, Janus!

[panting]

Oh, sick, you're here.

Hey... can I go home?

It's bad for my ADHD to be under-stimulated like this.

- You don't have ADHD. - Uh, I do.

A guy on TikTok said so.

Just go, yeah?

Hi, sorry. We're having to close early and immediately,

because the mayor just died.

[indie music playing]

♪ There's a crack in the sky ♪

♪ But because heaven opened up ♪

♪ Peer inside of your mind's eye ♪

♪ Wondering who called the ambulance ♪

♪ Drowning face up and drifting in a shallow pool ♪

[knock at door]

Closed.

[louder knocking]

She made me buy these.

£290.

Got a £10 family and friend discount, so...

Come in.

You really need to cut Clara out.

Cutting my dad out was my best ever decision.

Yeah, I'd love to, but she'd probably do something like sue me

for emotional neglect.

- I hate saying sorry. - I know.

But I am. I directed all my anger at Jay and Jonah

and the bog of poo I'm in at you, and I...

I shouldn't have.

It's OK.

- This week, I've been feeling really-- - I know.

Lonely, abandoned, you miss me.

I'm-- I'm a fucking dick, and I...

[crying] ...I missed you.

[crying]

Oh...

I lost the bar.

I know. I'm sorry.

And I'm fucking pregnant.

- What? Why? - Not on purpose.

I need £799 for a quick abortion.

- Can you lend it to me? - Yeah, of course. Obviously.

I need you to come with me, cos it's weird,

it's pink in there, I can't face it on my own.

I need you to help me get rid of the stuff in here,

pack up my flat, find somewhere new to live.

I need help, Maggie. I need you to help me.

Is that OK?

Can you do that for me?

[eerie music playing]

You're fucked, mate.

Of course I can.

[children laughing]

I'm in a really good place.

[indie music playing]