Original subtitles

♪ Sky is grey ♪

♪ Sand is grey ♪

♪ And the ocean is grey ♪

♪ I feel right at home ♪

EDDIE: There's my ray of sunshine. - [groans]

Love what you've done with the place.

[groaning]

- ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ - No.

It's too sad.

That's enough photos from 2010.

No! I was so happy then.

No, you weren't Maggie. You were just on pills.

Look, Eddie. Look at Johnny.

He's my only fit ex and he was rich.

Remember he bought me an iPod Nano just because?

He was boring though, Mags.

You caught up on emails

whilst he went down on you.

I think he might be my husband.

- Does he still have the fringe? - Yes, but it's been updated.

He lives in Battersea now and he loves cycling, telling people

where he cycled and how long it took.

What does he do now? What do posh men do?

I feel like it's only ever finance or something really, really dumb.

That adult ball pit thing you hate.

Not Balls To The Wall?

- He owns that. - Ugh, that fucking sucks.

Yeah, but he's so normal and sane.

His parents are still together, by choice.

Not because they couldn't decide who should keep the Aga like Ryan's parents.

I got you doughnuts because you think cupcakes are for...

Noughties gender reveals. You are correct.

You are my tiny baby and I love you.

Ohh.

Aw, mmm...

Erm... I don't wanna go anymore, by the way.

What?

You said all you wanted for your birthday was a gentle evening

supermarket sweep through TK Maxx.

I know, but...

I'll celebrate my 30th when I have something to celebrate.

Speaking of which, I think The Furlong

are gonna drop my play, so...

Missed six or seven calls from my agent.

OK, but I swung by the Maxx yesterday and they had a lot of new stock delivered.

- Loads of kitchen stuff. - Really?

Mm-hm.

God, if I could finally get a big Le Creuset,

things might really turn around for me.

Let's do it.

Did you know that every year one Faberge egg gets hidden in a TK Maxx

somewhere in the world and it gets sold for 19.99?

That can't be true.

It's true. I read all of the TK Maxx Subreddit.

- Why are we here? - I'm grabbing some bags for life

in case we hit the jackpot in the candle aisle.

- Wait. - You OK?

I just thought I saw a... you know.

Oh, my God. Get an exterminator, like.

I can't afford it and my method is working.

ALL: Happy Birthday!

[cheering]

[groans, weak sighing]

[pained sigh]

OK, go mingle. Maggie will be ready to party in no time.

Before you freak out, can I just show you all the cool shit I've done?

Come on, look, look, look, look. Custom cocktails.

A photo booth. You love a photo booth. And, and, and, got...

Him off of eBay.

- Ohh... - Maggie!

Do you remember when you had Norovirus at Bestival?

I got you adult nappies so you didn't miss Elton John.

If you can do that, you can do this.

Eddie, I know we've wanted to throw a Love Actually party for years,

but this could not be worse timing.

- Just because you're in a funk. - It's not a funk.

- It's a mood disorder. - Sorry, I know.

If you stay at home alone on your birthday you're gonna regret it.

I know you will. And I promise, we're gonna have fun.

I will do one hour. That is it.

Yes, my darling.

So if you are Laura Lee...

does that make me her brother who has a mental illness?

It's what we always said we'd do. Klent, go!

Oh Jesus, no. What are you doing?

I've got her. Get her arms.

Trust me, we're gonna have so much fun.

[struggling]

We're there. See, you look so good.

Happy birthday, Maggie.

Oh, everything OK?

Oh yeah. Peachy.

I thought you said you'd gotten rid of that smell?

Have you not been getting any of my texts, calls?

I've been busy. Me and Lauren went on a survivalist weekend

in Bury St Edmunds.

Oh good, my mother is here.

Lauren, can you get a round, tell him to put it on my tab?

Thanks for dressing up.

Well, I'm Colin Firth, or whatever.

So? What were you doing sniffing around the bar the other day?

- I'm allowed to look around. - With a surveyor?

Fine. Look, this business is not making money.

- Like, any money. - It's just a dry spell.

I need it to. I've got a big project I'm working on.

- The fucking apocalypse bunker. - You wouldn't understand.

You never read the articles I send.

Jay. You need money for crossbows and Spam?

I'll get you money for crossbows and Spam.

I've found a way to bring in a bit more revenue.

Ever heard of Balls To The Wall?

- The adult ball pit thing. - Correct.

I know the guy that owns it. They don't have a Dalston branch.

I happen to know that we have a basement that is empty.

Anyway, I invited him here tonight.

You invited the balls guy to the Love Actually party?

Impressed?

I've gotta go now.

Lauren, her hands are too small

to hold a pint glass.

Will, why are you a worm?

I'm an eel. On Colin Firth's leg. Look.

- Are you all right? - It's just Jay.

Is there anything I can do? Literally anything.

If you say anything, I'll do it.

Can I have a Martini Freeman on the rocks?

Coming right up.

Sorry, sorry.

I'm fine, Mum. I'm just in costume as someone not doing well.

Maggie, I went to your flat.

- When? - This morning.

You were asleep. Didn't want to wake you.

You were fine with breaking and entering.

- You're not taking your lithium. - Shh, yes I am.

- No, you're not. I counted the pills. - What?

That is very fucked up.

Why aren't you taking them?

Can we just talk about this another time?

But you don't answer my calls.

Mum, I can't take the pills.

It fucks with my ability to write and think.

Like wrapping your brain in cotton wool.

I can't live like that.

You can't stop taking them, willy-nilly.

I've got a plan, Mum? Trust me.

Oh, great costumes, ladies.

Thanks, Eddie. Lynn hasn't seen the film,

but she did what she could from Google Images.

Now. What time is food being served?

Erm... We're not doing food.

Auntie Lynn gets anaemic after six.

Well, while we recover from that, I'm just gonna go to the loo.

Come on, Lynn.

Hey. Haven't seen any of our little guests, have you?

Eddie, this is really very heavy. Can you please move?

Get behind the bar.

- Maggie! - Maggie!

Oh. Hi. Thanks for coming, Anya.

- And Owen. - And Owen.

Guess who we are.

[groaning]

Chance would be a fine thing, eh?

[laughter]

Oh. I can't believe you haven't met Mercury yet.

We're really hoping to see you at the placenta ceremony.

Oh, yeah. Sorry, I'm not really a baby person

Mercury's not like other babies.

He's incredibly insightful.

God, this place hasn't changed a bit.

How much time did we spend here? It smells a lot less... pungent.

- Mags. - Oh.

So nice to see you out and about.

Ryan, she hasn't had a hip replacement.

No, I know, I just... Eddie says that you're feeling a bit down.

Look. I totally get it.

I was a wreck last year after my cheekbones migrated.

Right. I'm about to piss myself. So, if you don't mind, I'm just gonna...

Oh, not the engaged girlies.

BRB. I gotta... Excuse me. Bye. Bye.

Klent!

Come on, for fuck's sake.

It was only two!

- Get her! - What?

No, no, no, no, no, no. Ow! What the fuck?

- That was nowhere near an hour. - I can't do it, Eddie.

I just got accosted by Tiffany rings.

Please, please let me go home.

Maggie, I'm not trying to torture you.

I know you feel like shit, but if you stay home alone

on your birthday it'll make you feel worse,

and I can't bear the thought of it, OK?

Everyone in there loves you.

Come back in. I promise you'll start to feel better.

And if anyone else pisses you off, I'll lock them in the rat hotel.

OK, fine.

Will you kindly ask Klent to get off me before I elbow him in the mouth?

[heavy sigh]

Anya, you can't smoke in here.

Why not?

ANYA: What is this, a crime or something?

[twinkly music]

GUEST: Hey, Maggie! - Yeee... hi.

Ooo.

[squeaking]

I need you little freaks to shut this party down.

GUESTS: Happy birthday! - Oh, yeah. Feliz navidad.

[sigh of relief]

And now we wait.

[knock on door]

No, this toilet is blocked by a ghost.

- It's Ryan! - Yeah, the ghost doesn't know who that is.

RYAN: Maggie, I have mushroom oil.

OK, I am all for realism,

but you could've at least washed your hair.

[knock on door]

No, no, pretend to be a ghost.

- It's Anya!. - No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, fabulous. I found the gap.

[baby voice] Give Mama Anya a little line, kind sir.

No, Anya. Nobody cool does coke anymore.

Michael Gove ruined it. We are on the mushroom oil.

- How chic. Where'd you get it? - That visual artist I dated.

- Graham? - Yeah.

Did he give your printer back?

No, but did me a favour. Ink's so expensive.

I'm ready to head back out, actually. But thank you for the loud talking.

- Erm, Eddie... - I'm not teaching you

how to pour a Guinness again.

We've encountered some issues at the hotel.

Have the guests left the compound?

Biz, this is such bad timing.

Is that Johnny?

Haven't seen him since Maggie made us joined the hunt for Raoul Moat.

What's your rat-trapping knowledge like?

Oh, Jesus Christ, no.

I cannot believe it! RYAN: God, Johnny looked fit.

ANYA: He's beautiful. I'd like to curl up on his lap like a little cat.

[Maggie groans]

Swap costumes with me.

- No. - Yes.

- No. - Yes.

No. Get off.

- Ow. - You made me walk around this party

like a convicted Tube groper, knowing you'd invited Johnny.

Maggie, I'm sorry, but there are more pressing issues.

Hotel Ratatouille has had a breakout.

Oh, really?

Could not be worse timing. Jay's gonna fucking kill me.

God, he still looks like a Roman statue

and I haven't changed my underwear in three days.

This costume is so hot. What did he make out of? Roof insulation?

- Take your tentacles off. - No, I just need the mushrooms to kick in.

Hi.

Hey. [laughs] Good to see you.

How have you been?

Yeah, yeah, amazing. Yeah.

- The writing's going really well. - That's good to hear.

You're not doing any more, you know... nasty stuff.

Ah, no. No, that, that was the the old me.

That's good to hear.

[Here With Me by Dido plays in background]

You know, I think about you often.

- Oh... - Johnny!

Eddie! Oh my goodness, thank you so much for the invite.

I remember you talking about throwing this party back in the day.

- You know my brother Jay, right? - Don't think we've met, no.

- We haven't. - We own the bar together.

We have done ever since Dad passed away.

Couldn't bear to sell it, so I quit uni, became a landlord.

and then in 2015, we won Hackney Online's Bar of the Year.

Wow. That's incredible.

You know what the nightlife industry is like.

Certainly do.

EDDIE: How's it all going?

- I'm a Gatwick boy, myself. - What the fuck was that? Truffle oil?

- Give it some time. - I don't have time.

If it doesn't kick in soon,

I'll fake a burst ovarian cyst to get out of this fucking party.

I'll give you more if you promise to take your upper lip sweat elsewhere.

Ah-ah-ah...

[squeaking]

It seems weird that Balls To The Wall doesn't have a Dalston branch.

We've actually been looking around Hackney Wick.

Oh, Hackney, Wick is actually

the murder capital of East London.

Is it? There's so many yoga studios there.

We have a great basement here at Wet Mouth, just sitting around empty.

Sorry. One sec. Jay, tell Johnny about the basement.

You've seen a basement before, right?

- There are rats everywhere. - Shut up.

OK.

Whatever it takes.

Does the music need to be this loud?

- Elaine has thin eardrums. - OK, well go tell Eddie that.

And it's so dark. I can't see a thing.

Elaine stood on someone's foot and she swore blind it was a rat.

DISTORTED: I said, "Elaine, it will have been a brown loafer."

Her night vision has been...

Shh...

Mum.

Everything is going to work out.

I can feel it.

[Too Lost In You by Sugababes plays in background]

These little guys almost gate-crashed the party.

[squeaking]

What?

I said trap.

Not kill.

You don't understand, man.

You weren't there.

What did I miss?

It'd be a good idea

for my team to come here and look at your basement.

I can really see my balls in here.

Let me get a round in. Champers all round, yeah?

Can't believe he thinks this place sells champagne.

- Could you not just be impressed? - Fine.

You did good. I... underestimated you.

God. Can I have that in writing?

You need to help me!

[squelching]

Argh!

I can't.

They are just living beings like you or I.

[door squeaks]

No, no, no, no...

Oh, gotta go. My surprise is here.

Eddie. I've had an epin...

An epiphany?

I think Johnny is my soulmate.

We got together when we were so young,

but now we're older and we're like ready for each other, you know?

OK, maybe. But I did hear that he's engaged to a hair model.

- But love is an open door. - That's a song from Frozen.

Watch Maggie for me. I'm gonna get the surprise.

Mushrooms clearly don't work on me.

Can't believe nobody takes class As anymore.

Had to nick this out of Ryan's pocket whilst he snogs the arrivals board.

He's being so stingy with it.

Just hold my hands so my fingers don't get stolen.

Shouldn't have given you that.

I'm truly sorry for what's about to happen.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday dear Maggie ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

[cheering]

You haven't aged.

Your hand's soaking wet.

Make a wish.

- [applause] - Oh my God, so sorry Joanna Page.

Just Jo is fine.

MAN: Speech.

[murmurs of agreement]

Oh, OK.

Wow. Wowee.

What a night.

What can I say except love is an open door

and through that door came all of you.

My friends.

My family.

Maybe even a soulmate.

Because we're all connected, aren't we?

We all... we all came from that fish with a tail.

I think... I think she had legs.

She walked out of the sea and she made us.

Every being on this Earth, me and you.

Even this little guy.

Even this rat deserves love.

For God's sake, Maggie, put the rat down. OK.

[screaming and clamouring]

[Anya yells indistinctly]

♪ There's no beginning, There'll be no end ♪

♪ 'Cause on Christmas You can depend ♪

[panicked chatter]

- That fucking rat bit me. - I'll get you a tetanus jab.

I've told you over and over, Eddie.

If it seemed like things were going downhill, you were to call me.

She was just upset about the play.

She's not taking her lithium. You know that, don't you?

Can we stop talking about me like I'm not sat right here?

We need you in with Doctor Goulding tomorrow morning

- and back on the medication. - No, no way.

I hate it and can do without it. Just need time.

- Absolutely not. - Gillian. She's an adult.

If she wants to come off it, she can.

Maybe she just needs us all to, you know, support her.

Eddie. You're a bartender, not a psychiatrist.

Come on, Elaine.

If you won't listen to me, I'll save my breath.

[siren wails]

[Lauren sobbing]

- Jay, I'm so sorry. - We're selling the bar.

It's over, Eddie.

No, no, Jay, wait.

My fiancee Aurora is actually a Reiki healer.

I think she could really help you.

- I thought she was a hair model. - Yes, she does both.

I'll get her to DM you.

Did you invite my ex-boyfriend

to my non-consensual birthday party for a business meeting?

Did you open the door to the rat hotel?

Cancel each other out?

Yeah.

The rats told me I'm past it.

Can you believe that? You don't know me!

Great party, girls.

[slurred shouting]

- Jay's selling the bar. - That's what he thinks.

- Why didn't you tell me? - Because I'll fix it.

I always fix it. I fix problems.

And you... have them.

Great party, right?

Oh, yeah, one for the Facebook album.

♪ Life of the party You're outta body ♪

♪ Got hands in your heart And hearts in your hallway ♪

♪ Fairly certain I'm important ♪

♪ I've an arm and a leg in the doorway ♪

♪ What's the point? Give it up, you're outta your head ♪

♪ Now you're old enough Aching joints give you up ♪