Original subtitles

["IPHONE" by Rico Nasty playing]

♪ This time won't be nothing like the last one ♪

♪ Smoking so much gas I forgot to put my mask on ♪

♪ I shine with the lights off He hates when I don't call ♪

♪ Two months without me Guess you're having withdrawals ♪

♪ He on my hip like a Tamagotchi ♪

♪ Leave a heart on my wall so I can know you like me ♪

♪ I'm important, can't be seen with just anybody ♪

♪ We was late, but we still pulled up to the party ♪

Hey, st-- Um...

Do you want this?

Yeah.

- Hi! - Whose scooter is that, Maggie?

Mine, I bought it after watching a particularly persuasive TikTok ad.

- And you've just given it away. - Honestly, Eddie, I just saw myself on it

reflected in a shop window, it was a rude awakening.

- It had to go. - Oh, shit. Question eight.

Which day of the week is the worst?

- We hate scooter people. - I know, but, like, the environment?

You don't care about the environment, you said all humans

- deserve to burn to death. - Only because I'd just

had that really weird haircut.

- You seem better. - Yeah, I'm having the best week.

- I went to a spin class, yesterday. - What?

I left ten minutes in, cos the instructor

kept playing Ed Sheeran dance remixes,

but, like, the intention was there.

Anyways, I need you to take tomorrow off work.

I've got too much going on here.

Look, it's important! My old school want me to come back

and do a talk for their little drama club, isn't that cute?

- Must've read the reviews of my play. - The two-star reviews?

The state of the education system in this country is dire. They need me.

As a former student working professionally in theatre,

I thought I could come in and do a talk,

cos I'm gonna be in town, anyways.

They practically begged me, Eddie.

So, I need you to drive me to East Sussex.

Question nine. Who did I vote for in the 2002 Pop Idol final,

- Gareth Gates or Will Young? - Can you stop asking questions?

No, I can't, people have paid good money for this pub quiz.

And by "people," do you mean two underage goths

- and Will? - At least Will showed up on time.

- Maybe he's my number one bestie. - You take that back.

Maggie, I love that you suddenly seem to believe children are the future,

but you hate public speaking. When you gave that speech

at Anya's wedding, you shook so hard, someone asked me

- if you were detoxing from heroin. - But this is a tiny group of kids.

- Drama nerds, I bet. - I don't get why you'd travel there.

- That school did a lot. - Everyone took the piss

- out of your accent. - I had some amazing teachers.

I had this one history teacher in particular,

he was just really... inspirational.

[smooth R'n'B music plays]

He kind of changed my life.

And I think he still works there, so maybe I could, like, thank him.

Sorry, were you visited in the night by three ghosts?

- Where is this benevolence coming from? - Look, I'm turning 30 soon,

and I want to be a good person.

I am a good person, actually.

I just wanna project that goodness more,

and you can project your goodness more by driving me there.

- Who'll look after the bar? - That manager you just hired.

What's his name? The wanky earring guy.

The BMX doesn't have gears, you just kind of set it up...

- Him. What's his name? - I think it's Klent?

- There's no way it's Klent. - I think it is.

- He can't look after the bar on his own. - Hey, Eddie!

Can I take a quick 60?

Jen, over there, has never seen a BMX before,

and I am gonna pop her cherry.

Uh, no, you can't. Go and clean the loos.

What?

How?

Fuck's sake. Just get on with it.

KLENT: Don't be scary!

-"How?" Ah. - His dad's an earl.

It's like working with the little sheltered boy from The Secret Garden.

Question ten. What's the name of the little sheltered boy

- from The Secret Garden? - Colin!

I'm convinced he's never had a real job before.

But, I need him to lure the other fuckboys in.

The fuckboy pound has become surprisingly strong,

since they all became social media managers.

Great quiz this week, Eddie.

Some really thought provoking questions in there.

- Tell me, the day of the week question. - Mm.

Are we talking worst, as in, least enjoyable?

- Or, are we talking-- - Hey, Eddie!

If you come tomorrow, I'll let you pretend to be my publicist.

You can lie to people all day with no consequences,

like when you told everyone you invented Jedward's haircut.

[gasps]

Can I have a fake name?

[both singing] ♪ What's wrong? What's wrong now? ♪

♪ Too many, too many problems ♪

♪ Don't know where she belongs ♪

♪ Where she belongs ♪

♪ She wants to go home ♪

♪ But nobody's home ♪

♪ Where she lies... ♪

OK, quick stop, and then we gotta hustle.

Get ready for my "talk."

I mean, you're gonna have to give a talk.

Yeah, I'm just gonna wing it, they're children.

- And what if you get the shakes? - I won't, have some faith.

What... the fuck?

- What? - That's what you're wearing

to go to a school?

I wanna seem like a successful lady.

That is not a successful lady outfit.

That is a "shag me" outfit.

- Who are you trying to shag? - No-one.

That history teacher you mentioned, what's his name?

- I can't remember. Mr Wilson. - Maggie.

OK, was Mr Wilson hot?

[sighs]

Smoking hot.

- Oh, my God. - I haven't slept in a week,

I might've overdone the concealer. Do I look like a pale panda?

- Maggie! - OK! OK!

[chuckles softly]

Mr Wilson might me my soulmate.

He wasn't like the other teachers, he was funny,

and smart and we just, like, had this connection.

Was Mr Wilson the teacher who tried to molest you?

No! Ew, that was the maths teacher, Mr Phillips.

It was prom night, 2008. I'd just turned 16,

my braces were freshly off, and I was resplendent

in my Debut by Debenhams dress.

Then, Mr Phillips slithered over.

He said I looked really grown up,

which, let's face it, was not true.

Then, all of a sudden, he lurched at me

with his gross mouth.

But guess who saved me.

[smooth R'n'B music plays]

It was so intense.

So, if it had been the history teacher who tried it on,

- you'd have banged him? - Yes!

But the crucial thing is he didn't try it on,

- he wouldn't shag a child. - Wow!

We should nominate him for a Pride of Britain award.

It's not beyond the realms of possibility that we're truly meant to be together

and we just met at the wrong time.

[phone vibrates]

- My brother. - Diet Coke?

- What's up? - Hiya, I'm in Dalston,

Thought I'd come by, see how our bar's doing.

- You about? - I'm not.

But I'll be back tomorrow, if you wanna swing by.

Ah, sorry, me and Lauren have a deer carcass

preparation workshop tomorrow.

- We've had it booked for ages. - Oh.

- So, you're still into all that stuff? - Um, yeah.

I'm still into surviving the inevitable collapse of society.

- Call me crazy. - I do.

I've got to go, Jay. Enjoy the dead deer.

All clear. So, we've owned the bar for nearly 12 years,

our father owned it before.

Hey! Let's go.

Now, to go get my bagel.

Oh, God, you're gonna end up on the fucking news.

["The Look" by Roxette playing]

♪ Walkin' like a man Hitting like a hammer ♪

♪ She's a juvenile scam Never was a quitter ♪

♪ Tasty like a raindrop She's got the look ♪

♪ Heavenly bound 'Cause heaven's got her number ♪

♪ When she's spinnin' me around Kissin' is a colour ♪

- ♪ Her lovin' is a wild dog... ♪ - [woman] Hi!

I remember you, you're the little Irish girl.

[Irish accent] Top o' the mornin' to ya!

Bloody hell, you've not grown an inch, have you?

Hiya. Maggie Donovan, here to do a talk for Miss Finch.

Oh, yeah, she said something about that.

[Irish accent] Hang on here, while I give her a buzz.

Do you still get those nasty nosebleeds?

No!

Sometimes.

I can't believe you were the nosebleed kid.

Ugh! I forgot how much I hate it here.

God, it even smells the same. How do you preserve a smell, like?

I can't picture you here. It's very Grange Hill,

but somehow, less glamour.

Oh, my God.

That's him. That's Mr Phillips.

The lurcher?

- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God! He fucking remembers.

He probably thinks you're here to make a historical complaint.

How does he still have his job here? People saw him do the lurch.

Mr Wilson saw him do the lurch, and now he's his boss.

- That's really fucked up! - MISS FINCH: Maggie Donovan!

- [chuckles] - Hey!

The greatest Willy Loman this school has ever seen.

- Aw... - And you're a professional actor, now.

No, um, I'm a playwright.

Oh. Well, that's nice, too.

- Uh, this is... - Adele Dazeem.

Maggie's publicist.

My goodness, a publicist.

Isn't that something?

Now, listen, I have some fab news.

Our principal, Mr Wilson, you might remember him.

Mr Wilson... [blows raspberry softly]

- History, was it? Yeah, yeah. - Yes! That's right!

I told him about you coming, and he said,

with an alumnus of your calibre,

we shouldn't be wasting you on the little'uns.

So, he set up an assembly with the A-level lot.

Only 100 kids or so, so it should be quite fun.

- What? I, uh-- - 100 teenagers?

Like-- like, big teenagers?

Hm. I don't know if that's a great idea,

- from a PR point of view. - James!

She's getting cold feet.

[smooth R'n'B music plays]

Oh, that is not how I remembered him.

Maggie Donovan.

James Wilson. I don't know if you remember,

but I had the pleasure of teaching you history.

Yes, I, um...

Yes, I do remember. [chuckles awkwardly]

Uh, this is my--

- Adele Dazeem, publicist to the stars. - Lovely to meet you.

So, Maggie, I hope it's all right with you that we've expanded your audience a bit.

- Well, I-- Um... - Come on.

The Maggie Donovan I remember wouldn't have

been scared of a few teenagers.

[laughter]

Um...

Yeah, no, I'd love to.

Great.

[soft chuckling]

I mean... he still has something about him.

He does have a thing. It's not the thing I was expecting,

which is, like, classic good looks, but he does have a thing,

and he's the principal, and that's fit.

It is fit. It is fit!

- However, I cannot do this assembly. - Yeah, right.

Because it's, like, my idea of hell. You know, like,

a group of 11-year-olds who don't know their arse from their elbow

- is one thing, but 100-- - 100 fucking hormonal nutjobs.

And these aren't nice kids. I went to this school,

- we're not fucking Hogwarts. - You'll literally get cyber-bullied.

They'll find your Instagram and make fun of your selfies.

Do you think they've read the reviews?

Do I think these small-town teenagers

have read the reviews of your Fringe play?

I mean, I would say off-West End, but I mean--

He-- [exhales] Mr Wilson,

he's literally just a secondary school teacher.

- You wanna do a runner. - Thanks for saying it, I didn't want to.

[lively music plays]

Ah!

- Busted. - Hi, we weren't leaving.

- Well, I hope not. - [chuckles]

- [phone vibrates] - That's work, sorry.

Klent, I've told you, if there's a spider...

Could I, um, grab one of those?

- Yeah, sure. - OK.

- Thought your generation didn't smoke. - That's the one after us.

We smoke, we just refuse to drink cow's milk.

- [chuckles] Oh, right. - [chuckles]

- What is it? - [banging]

The till's not printing receipts.

- Shall I just close? - [scoffs] No.

It just needs new till roll, it's in the office.

Uh, Jay told me to stay out of there while he's here with the surveyor.

What do you mean, surveyor?

I don't know. I think they take surveys of things.

- Like a questionnaire. - No, I--

- How did they get in there? - I gave them a key.

- Why did you do that? - Uh, because keys open locks.

[blows sharply] I'll be there soon.

She's so badly raised.

D'you remember me, or did you have to look through old yearbooks?

[chuckles] No, you're not someone you forget in a hurry

- Cos I was a nightmare. - No, no.

I saw you as a young woman with a lot of spirit,

a lot potential, and very little patience for authority.

Plus, you know, you'd just moved to a whole new country, so...

- Can't have been easy. - Well, thanks for, um...

...for being nice to me, back then.

You were special.

Are... special.

Sure.

- So, um, Mr Phillips... - Mm.

D'you remember what happened with him at prom?

Surprised to see he's still working here.

[clears throat]

Well, I better get back.

Nearly time for your big moment.

[chuckles]

[electronic music plays]

[phone vibrates]

[scoffs]

- Eddie! - There you are. We need to go.

- My brother's snooping around the bar. - We can't leave now, can we?

You're doing the assembly?

You left me with him.

He kept looking at me with his eyes.

Maggie, I need to go.

You can leave straight after.

This will take five minutes, tops.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Maggie Donovan!

Oh, my goodness, hi!

How are you? You look incredible.

Thanks, you too.

Uh, Adele, this is...

- Alison. - Alison. We were in the same year.

It's been yonks. [chuckles] What are you doing here?

Uh, they've invited me here to lead an assembly,

to inspire the next generation to reach beyond

the confines of their tiny lives, but, uh, what about you?

- What have you been up to? - Wow! I teach dance here.

Which is brill. [chuckles] Oh, and I've got three kids,

if you can believe that.

Why-- Wise of you to have so many.

[chuckles] Right, well, I don't wanna keep you before your big assembly,

but I would love to catch up afterwards.

- Aw. - Aw! [chuckles]

Three kids? She is my age.

What was she, a child bride?

Some women spend their 20s starting a family.

Some women spend them on ketamine, both are valid choices.

Right, time for my TED Talk.

OK, Maggie, you are really confident about this improvised,

but apparently, life-changing speech you're about to make.

Eddie, they are kids. How hard can it be?

Jesus, they're massive.

These are teenagers?

JAMES: Maggie is a playwright.

She's worked with some big-name London theatres,

including the Dagenham Arts Club bar,

and several up-and-coming pub theatres.

It just goes to show, the sky's the limit for our alumni.

So, let's welcome her on with a round of applause.

[scattered applause]

- Hi. - [loud feedback]

[students murmur]

What is theatre?

It's just a room.

Uh, it's like this room, but, um...

...better, you can get wine there, uh, for instance.

[stutters] If you have a room, you have theatre.

That's actually quite profound, because, if you think about it,

like, everyone has a room... No, not ev-- um...

[anxious deep breathing]

And, um, you know what they say...

All the world's a stage.

And the men and ladies, merely people.

Do you know who said that?

Abraham Lincoln.

[light chuckling]

Uh, so, yeah.

Instead of me, like, doing this, like, long speech,

I think I'll kinda do, like, a Q and A.

So, if anyone has any questions they wanted to...

- Yes. - Yeah, what's your bra size?

- [laughter] - JAMES: All right.

Absolutely hilarious, Aaron.

Mr Willy, would you take him to your office, please?

[students protest]

Um... Yeah, I'm, um...

I'm not gonna answer that one, cos I don't wanna get Yew Tree'd.

[door opens]

Uh...

Are there any other ques-- Yeah.

- Did you like school? - Oh, fuck, no. I hated it.

[laughter]

All right, come on.

You've heard a swear word before.

Um... Sorry, um...

Sorry, yeah, no, I, um... I really hated school.

[hysterical laughter]

It felt like, um...

Like a huge waste of my time, and, like...

Like, nobody gives a fuck about your A-level results in the real world.

University's just a scam run by the government

to fund nuclear arms, probably.

But, um... Yeah. What did I even learn?

I don't remember anything I learned, and I turned out fine, so...

[laughter]

[upbeat music plays]

Any more questions?

JAMES: Come in.

So... apologies.

- That was a bit inappropriate. - A bit?

They really responded to me, you know, the honesty.

- Teenagers like honesty. - Oh!

Oh, is that-- is that what teenagers like?

You completely undermined everything we do here.

Cos I didn't pretend school was the best years of my life?

It's a battle keeping some of these kids in school.

You have absolutely no idea.

- You, you're just-- - I'm what?

You--

What?

[lively music]

[clattering]

[moaning softly]

Just tell him to leave, Klent. He's not answering my texts.

No, he's not gonna karate kick you, he's my brother.

Wh-- Hang on. Excuse me, have you seen Maggie anywhere?

Who?

The little Irish girl.

[chuckles] Oh, yeah.

She went into Mr Wilson's office.

I've been thinking about you for 15 years.

Oh, me too.

- Not in a paedo-y way. - Don't say that word.

Sorry, sorry.

I mean, we just had this-- this connection.

Exactly. Exactly, right.

- Take your knickers off. - OK.

Oh, my God, she's actually doing it.

- She's actually-- Hi! - Oh, hi! Maggie's Friend!

Could you tell her it was nice to see her?

- Yeah. - I've gotta start dance club.

I'll leave these two with their dad.

I think Mr Wilson's a little bit busy.

No, it's OK, it's just us.

Sorry, could I-- Thank you.

- Yeah. - Thanks.

- Come on, guys. - Oh, my God.

- [Alison screams] - JAMES: Oh! Oh!

What the fuck, James?

No, no, no. Please, listen.

- What are you doing here? - What am I doing here?

I'm his wife!

I'm sorry, you married a student?

- We connected years after. - Oh, my God.

Can you tell your kids to stop filming?

Don't fucking talk to me. You don't fucking talk to me!

I think they're gonna put it on TikTok.

You promised me I was the only one!

- You were-- Are. - I am genuinely sorry,

but I cannot...

[lively music plays]

[sighs] Thank you for accompanying me on another gorgeous day out.

One for the, um... [chuckles] ...record books.

Look, I'm all for shenanigans...

...but are you manic?

Just because, if you are, you know what comes next, right?

OK, this wasn't my finest hour, but you don't need to be so judgy.

No, I'm not, I was just...

I just wanted to check.

Sorry, I'm just... [breathes deeply]

I'm pranging out about Jay sniffing round the bar, earlier.

No, no. It's cool, I get it. Now, if you'll excuse me,

I need to go wash an old man's cum out of my tights.

You're a nightmare.

- [car door shuts] - But you love me!

But I love you!

[engine starts]

["In Waves" by Slow Club playing]

♪ I can't believe it how we ended up so far ♪

♪ We could be coasting like the angels with a habit ♪

♪ I'll see the ocean closer if you let me say my... ♪

[clock ticking]

[distant sirens]

♪ You can't tell me you're not like this ♪

♪ Staring down the pages of the shit you've missed ♪

♪ Hoping you'll find a way just to change ♪

♪ Days spent waiting in my living grave ♪

♪ Then turning up at parties like a hurricane ♪

♪ But it comes in waves ♪

♪ It comes in... waves ♪