Original subtitles

TED: Now I remember a lot of stories

from back in the days before I met your mother.

But there's one story I don't remember.

Uncle Marshall still refers to it as "The Pineapple Incident."

The night started like any other.

We were downstairs at the bar.

On the house.

Wow! Oh!

It's my own concoction.

I call it the Red Dragon.

Thanks, Carl. Wow!

That was really sweet. We're not really

doing shots, are we? I hope not.

No, no, no.

Ugh! These look kind of like blood.

Okay, I know that you've all dismissed this theory before.

But is there any chance that Carl is a vampire?

That's ridiculous.

No, you guys, I'm serious.

Think about it.

He always wears black.

We never see him in the daylight, only after dark.

Oh, my God.

That does describe a vampire...

or, you know, a bartender.

(laughing)

I should go get dressed.

Where you going, buddy? Hot date?

I'll say.

She's going out with a billionaire.

Lily, I told you not to call him that.

Wait, you're really going out with a billionaire?

He's not a billionaire. He's a hundred-millionaire.

Why do people always round up?

So, uh, where's Thurston Howell taking you?

A charity dinner.

Yeah, $2,000 a plate.

$1,500. Stop rounding up.

And it's for Third World hunger.

You gonna put out?

What?

There's only one reason he's taking her to this dinner,

and it's not so little Mutu can get his malaria pills.

I think my soul just threw up a little bit.

Well, I'm gonna be late.

You guys have fun.

Bye. See ya.

Bye. See ya.

You okay?

Sure. Why?

Oh, I don't know.

Girl of your dreams dating a billionaire.

Okay, first of all, hundred-millionaire.

And second, she's not the girl of my dreams.

We're just friends.

Look, it would not be smart if we got together.

I mean, I'm looking to settle down, she's looking for...

(snoring)

Wha...? You done? Great.

Check out table number four.

See that little hottie on the end?

She's short but has an ample bosom.

I love it.

She's, like, half boob.

Let's go.

Yeah, and say what?

What's our big opening line?

I... uh...

Daddy's home.

Daddy's home? Yeah.

Okay, you want us to go over there right now

and say to those girls, "Daddy's home"?

Really think about that, Barney.

Hmm.

Yeah, I think it's pretty solid.

Okay, think about this.

Is there even a single item on the menu that has garlic in it?

Garlic fries.

Okay, well, I'll get back to you.

Oh, Daddy's back.

See, if you'd taken a moment to think about that...

Then Daddy wouldn't have gotten

this seven-digit Father's Day card from Amy.

Ah.

That worked?

I hate the world.

Ted, your problem is all you do is think, think, think.

I'm teaching you how to do, do, do.

Doo-doo.

(chuckles) Totally.

So I think a lot.

I happen to have a very powerful brain.

It can't be helped.

Oh, yes, it can.

Interesting. Oh.

Ted, I believe you and I met for a reason.

It's like the universe was saying, "Hey, Barney,

"there's this dude... he's pretty cool...

but it's your job to make him awesome."

Your brain screws you up, Ted.

It gets in the way.

It happened with Robin, it happened with Half Boob,

and it's gonna

keep on happening until you power down

that bucket of neuroses inebriation-style.

So, what, you want me to do a shot?

Oh, no.

I want you to do

five shots. Ooh. Ooh.

More interesting.

Barney, I think you've officially...

No, don't think. Do.

Ted, he's right: you overthink.

Maybe you should overdrink.

(chants): Drink, drink...

Drink, drink, drink... Drink, drink, drink...

Uh, Lily, will you tell these guys how stupid they're being?

Guys, you are being immature and moronic, and drink, drink...

Oh!

ALL: Drink, drink, drink...

Drink, drink, drink...

(all cheer)

ALL: Drink, drink...

Let me tell you something about this brain, okay?

ALL: Drink!

Pure alcohol cannot stop this brain.

ALL: Drink, drink...

I love it! I love it! I love it!

This brain, dear mortals, is no ordinary brain.

ALL: Drink, drink...

This is a super brain.

(all cheer)

This brain is unstoppable.

This brain...

And that's all I remember.

Except for a few other hazy memories.

But really, the next thing I remember

was waking up the following morning.

So there were some unanswered questions.

How much did I drink?

How did I sprain my ankle?

(panting)

And who was this girl in my bed?

There's our rock star.

Okay, um...

What the hell happened last night?

You really don't remember, Superbrain?

So Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lilly filled me in.

And how did you guys like the shots?

I drank all five, bitch.

(laughs)

I love Drunk Ted.

Marshall thinks you're a vampire.

(laughs)

All right, if he pukes, one of you guys cleans it up.

No dibs. Oh.

No d... Damn it!

Yes.

How quickly you all forget.

I haven't puked since high school.

I am vomit-free since '93.

Vomit-free since '93.

That's funny.

I'm funny!

Who are you calling?

Robin.

Oh, bad idea jeans.

No, no, it's a great idea.

That's the whole point of getting drunk.

You do things you'd never do

in a million years if you were sober.

Says every girl you've ever slept with.

Say what?

Hello, Robin. It's Ted.

Oh, hi, Ted.

Hello, Robin. It's Ted.

Hi, Ted.

Sounds like you're having fun.

Robin, have I ever told you that I am vomit-free since '93?

Listen, Ted,

I can't really talk right... '93?

Dude, that's impressive.

Oh... I don't say this enough, but you're a great woman,

and a great reporter.

You should be on 60 Minutes.

You should be one of the minutes.

That's sweet... and odd.

But I'm kind of on a date right now.

Yeah, and I disagree with Barney.

Just 'cause this guy's spending a lot of money

doesn't mean you have to put out.

Take it slow, Robin.

Take it slow.

Slow...

Bye, Ted.

Slow...

Wow, right.

That's why we don't do shots.

Friends don't let friends drink and dial.

I need that phone back.

You'll get this back at the end of class.

Ding. Class dismissed.

Here you go, kid.

You call whoever you want.

Thank you, kind sir.

At least someone appreciates the fact

that I am doing and not thinking.

And now, I don't think I won't not go to the bathroom.

Was that necessary?

He is not making smart decisions.

Exactly. It's like, what's he gonna do next?

I don't know, but I want to find out.

("Voices" by Cheap Trick plays)

Cheap Trick?

Oh, Ted.

(cell phone rings)

Hello again, Ted.

* Hey, it's me again

* Plain to see again

* Please, can I see you every day *

I love everyone in this bar!

(cheering)

And we love you, Drunk Ted!

* I'm a fool again

* I fell in lo...

Ow.

Ted?

Well, that explains the ankle.

Then we brought you home and put you to bed.

Was there anyone else in there with me?

Shh.

(whispers): There's a girl in there!

I know.

And a pineapple.

I know.

Who is she?

I don't know.

What the hell happened to my jacket?

Whoa.

That girl in there is alive, right?

I should call Barney.

Maybe he knows what happened.

(dialing)

(phone ringing)

(ringing continues)

Hello.

Why are you sleeping in our tub?

Uh, the porcelain keeps the suit from wrinkling.

Wait, were you here when I went to the bathroom

in the middle of the night?

Don't worry. I slept through it.

(laughs)

I totally didn't sleep through it.

Oh, and wow, for a little girl, you got a big tank.

How did you get in here anyway?

We put Ted to bed around 1:00.

Oh, you put Ted to bed, all right.

You guys take care of me.

You guys are the best.

I love you guys so much.

Good night, Ted.

Love you, too, buddy.

I'm back, baby doll!

Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

He rallies!

And the night begins now!

All right.

Game face on.

Carl, two more.

All right, what do we think of this one?

I think she...

(imitates buzzer)

Trick question. No thinking.

You know what time it is? Huh?

It's do o'clock. Let's ride.

Bring it!

Hi.

Have you met Ted?

Excuse me.

You're calling Robin.

I'm calling Robin.

Ted, as your mentor and spiritual guide,

I forbid you from calling her.

Oh, yeah?

What you gonna do?

If you complete that call, I will set your coat on fire.

(snorts)

You're bluffing.

Hello, Robin. It's Ted.

Ted, for the last time, stop...

(screaming)

Ow!

Ted?

You set me on fire.

Real suede wouldn't have gone up so fast.

You got robbed. This is a blend.

You set me on fire.

And who's the girl

in my bed?

There's a girl in your bed.

And a pineapple.

Am I the only one who's curious about the pineapple?

Who is she?

I have no idea.

Nice.

TED: You really don't know

who that is?

No. After I hosed you down with the beverage gun,

I brought you back here.

I'd better not have gotten burned.

Ah...

Did any of you write that?

"Hi. I'm Ted.

If lost, please call..."

Whose number is that?

I don't know.

Dude, call it.

Ooh, hold on, I'm gonna

make some popcorn.

Ooh. Okay, you can call now.

God, this is intense. I love it.

MAN: Hello?

Uh... hi.

Who's this?

You called me. Who's this?

It's Ted.

It's Carl from the bar.

TED: And then Carl filled us in.

Barney, you've always taken care of me.

You are a gentlemen and a scholar.

Go into

my stable and take my finest stallion.

He's yours. His name is Windjammer.

Sleep it off, bro.

I'm back, baby doll!

Yeah.

And I...

am gonna throw up.

I threw up?

Oh, my streak is over.

Vomit-free since '05 doesn't sound good.

Sorry, Carl. Go on.

Carl...

did you know the word "karaoke"

is Japanese for "empty orchestra"?

Isn't that hauntingly beautiful?

Are you a vampire?

All right, I'm cutting you off.

Go home and get some sleep, Ted.

Yeah, the sun's gonna come up soon.

Wouldn't want to be around for that, would we?

Hey, how easy

do you think it would be to sneak into the zoo?

I have to see some penguins, like, right now.

All right, give me your arm.

Okay.

This way, if you pass out in the gutter...

(laughs): It tickles.

...someone will call me, and I will come get you.

Thanks, Carl.

We can't just be friends.

We're attracted to each other, and we both know it.

Excuse me?

Me and Robin, me and Robin.

I have to make one more call.

Yeah, this'll go good.

(inhales deeply)

Hey, it's me again.

Look, who are we kidding?

You and I are both attracted to each other.

We-we're young, we're drunk... half of us anyway...

and we only get one life.

So, why don't you come over to my apartment right now,

and we'll think of something stupid to do together?

Really? Great.

Wait. Really? Great.

Thanks, Carl.

It's Robin.

That's Robin in there.

Did you guys...?

Oh, come on. You've got to give me this one.

Those five shots got you further with Robin

than your brain ever did.

See what happens when you don't think?

You do.

More importantly, you do Robin.

Come on.

All right, right over here. (laughs)

But, uh, still,

what does this mean?

Are we dating now?

I-I mean, I never pictured it going down this way,

but maybe that's how it had to happen.

I mean, think about it...

Someone get him a shot. He's thinking again.

You know what?

Hold on, man.

Maybe it's not such a bad idea to think about this one.

You and Robin went down this road before.

You got dinged up really bad.

You know who might have something to say

about Ted's future with Robin?

Robin. Go wake her up.

Wake her up and say what?

Daddy's home.

Good luck, buddy.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Ted, it's Robin.

Are you sure?

Hey, Robin,

how are you? Ted, I think

you and I should have a talk

about those phone calls last night.

Do you mind if I swing by? Ask her about the pineapple.

Uh, yeah, sure, come on over. Thanks.

No. Wait, d-d-don't come...

She's coming over. Crap!

Wait. This is killing me.

We have to find out who that girl is.

Trudy.

My name is Trudy.

TED: And then, Trudy filled us in.

(laughs): I'm just surprised you didn't dump him sooner.

I know. It's two years of my life

I'm never getting back.

A little part of me wants to just jump the bones

of the next guy I see.

(laughter)

Daddy's home.

Or the one after that.

Okay, fair enough.

I've got to prove a point to a friend, so...

you just gave me your number...

and your name is Amy.

Ladies.

I love everyone in this bar!

(giggling)

Look at that idiot go.

He's kind of cute.

Ooh! (thudding)

(laughing)

What are you doing in the men's room?

What am I doing in the ladies' room?

All right, I came in here,

'cause I thought I was gonna throw up.

Did you?

I did not.

And the streak continues... vomit-free since

'93.

I'm sorry, Trudy. Go on.

I liked your performance.

What, the karaoke?

Domo arigato.

I wish I had your guts.

Getting up and making a complete idiot of myself.

So, do it.

I don't know.

Still, I've had a pretty serious week.

I could sure stand to do something stupid.

I'm something stupid. Do me.

(laughs): You're funny.

Hey, can I call you sometime?

Okay.

Ha, ha.

Here, let me.

Why do they call it karaoke, anyhow?

Was it invented by a woman named Carrie Okey?

These are the kinds of things I think about.

Karaoke is Japanese for "empty orchestra."

Wow.

That's hauntingly beautiful.

(phone ringing)

Hey, it works.

Then I guess you're gonna have to call me.

I got to make one more call.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Hey, it's me again.

Hey.

Look, who are we kidding?

You and I are both attracted to each other.

We're-we're young, we're drunk...

half of us, anyway...

and we only get one life.

So, I came over here.

And now I'm really, really embarrassed.

Damn it, Trudy!

What about the pineapple?

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry!

(knock at door)

Ah, Robin's here.

Um, look, Trudy,

I need you to hide in my bedroom.

Why? Is that your girlfriend?

Ah, no, that's not my girlfriend.

Um, look, it's complicated.

Oh, you're married. Yeah, I know.

I can't believe I did this.

No, no, no, I-I'm not married. Um...

I'll explain after you hide.

Hey.

Hi, guys.

Hey, Robin, top of the morning.

Hi. Hi, Robin. Good sweater.

Um, sorry I kept calling you like that.

I was pretty drunk.

Uh, no kidding.

Those calls were really weird.

Look, Ted, maybe we need to talk.

Let's go get a snack.

I love to snack.

I'm good.

Hmm.

Come on, those calls weren't that weird.

(clears throat)

TED: Robin! Come hang out!

Okay, I'm gonna make this sound till you come hang out.

(nasally): Aaah...

(sound continues)

That goes on for three-and-a-half minutes.

Without a breath?

That's got to be some kind of record.

Oh, Ted, you can't do this.

Please.

We agreed to be friends,

and now you're making it all confusing.

No, I'm not.

Look, I-I just turned off my brain for the night.

Nothing's changed.

You've moved on. I've moved on.

Really? You've moved on?

Yes. What, you don't believe me?

(laughs) Oh. Uh, okay.

Trudy, come on out.

You are gonna laugh.

Wait. You were with someone last night?

Yeah, Trudy. She's cool.

Trudy, come on out.

Yeah, seriously, it's okay.

This is so Trudy.

She's really shy...

I think.

Trudy?

Hi, Trudy. I'm Robin.

It's nice to meet you.

You're right. She is shy.

I'm not making this up.

She-she must have climbed out the fire escape.

(laughs) Whatever. Whatever!

I-I don't care what you think.

Then why'd you hide her from me?

Wow. You're good.

Anyone ever tell you you should be on 60 minutes?

(laughs): Yes. You did... last night.

Really?

(laughs)

Well...

Get some sleep, Ted. You had a long night.

And don't feel bad.

I've woken up with worse.

(sighs)

TED: I left Trudy a message, but she never called me back.

That's just how life works sometimes.

You turn off your brain for a night,

and all your left with the next day is a bad hangover,

a sprained ankle and a pineapple.

Oh, we never found out where that pineapple came from,

but it was delicious.