Original subtitles

(siren wailing)

- Get over there you.

- Now don't say what's your hurry.

- Yeah, and don't ask us where the fire is.

- Didn't you guys see me wave at ya?

- Well we waved back, didn't we? - Yeah, he did like this, I saw him.

- Shut up, you broke a traffic law.

- Well can't you make another one?

- I'm gonna give both you guys a ticket.

Well be sure they're down front, my partner doesn't see very well.

- Yeah, my glasses-- - Don't try to kid me.

It's guys like you that keep us cops busy.

Don't you ever think of accidents?

- Accidents? - Accidents?

- My dear man, that's our business.

Well allow me.

- Accidents.

- My card, my card.

- Boswell and Ganzy, insurance eh?

- Yes ah, this is Mr. Boswell.

Mr. Boswell shake hands with Mr. Policeman.

- I'm pleased to meet you, and this is Mr. Ganzy.

Mr. Ganzy shake hands with Mr. Policeman.

- I'm pleased to meet you sir, I am pleased to meet you.

Now here's a policy that offers triple protection

against boozers, earthquakes and relatives.

- Have you ever stopped to realize

that old age is creeping up on you?

- My dear man you owe it to your wife.

- I haven't got a wife. - We'll get you one.

- Yes, now eh, I would like to ask you a few questions.

Ah, how's your liver? - What?

- Now don't tell me you haven't got a liver.

- But I don't need any insurance.

- You are just the type that does need insurance.

Why do you realize that's since nineteen hundred and ten

they have discovered 52 new ways of dying?

- (sighs) And you don't look well.

- Yes, why ah ah, people are dying this year

that have never died before.

- Well what kind of insurance do you do? - Any kind.

Now answer me, answer me. In the morning when you get up

do you sort of have an empty feeling in here?

- Ah, come to think of it I believe I do.

- Just as I thought, gallstone.

Ah, another prospect.

- And what a prospect.

- Hey, give her sales talk number seven,

and don't come back without a policy.

Now then where were we? Oh yes, around the gallstone area.

Why man do you realize that you've got enough gallstones to start a quarry?

- Hello. - Hello.

- Are em, are we holding you up?

- Yes, and I'm awfully angry about it.

- Ah, what's your name?

- Mary, Mary Marsh.

- Mary, gee that's a swell name.

My name is Wilbur.

- I don't mind. - Aw.

- Now eh, let's see your tongue.

Say ah. - Ah.

- Just as I thought, you reached me just in time.

- Has it got a coat on it?

- Not only a coat, but a vest and a pair of pants.

- You know Mary, you're the kind of a girl that I could--

- Hey, number seven!

- Have you ever stopped to realize that old age is creeping up on you?

- What're you talking about?

- Protection, that's what you need.

Throughout your declining years

you will need to be provided for,

and I am here to offer you that protection.

- Well that's awfully nice of you,

and, and I think you're (giggles).

Well, you'll have to let me think it over for awhile.

- Oh that is the trouble with America today,

procrastinaty, procras em, why give it up?

Accept my proposition now,

and know the value of a steady income,

and the happiness of a contented family.

- Well, I just met you,

and I think I could like you an awful lot,

and I think we could be awfully happy together,

and well, I might except your proposal,

but well you'd have to ask Mother anyway.

- Now that I've signed this policy,

suppose I got double pneumonemia?

- Aw, then you would be lucky. - Lucky?

- Certainly, because then you'll get a great bargain.

Instead of dealing with you in the singular,

we pay you off in deploracy.

- Oh I see.

- (laughs) Good luck, you'll need it.

- I'm certainly glad I met you fellas.

- Mary, I want you to meet my partner,

Mr. J. Addington Ganzy.

This is Mary Marsh. - [Mary] How do you do?

- Fidget the digit, honey, fidget the digit.

You know I love the name of Marsh, it's so mellow.

Has uh, has my partner been telling you

of our wonderful insurance?

- Ooh, is that what he was talking about?

Well not exactly, you see I eh, tell us something about yourself Mary.

- Well, I'm running away from home. - [Wilbur And Addington] No.

Yes, you see it's like this, my Mother made millions out of oil.

- Ooh, tell me about it child, tell me about it.

- But she lost most of it.

- Tell him about it child, tell him about it.

- But why are you running away?

- Oh because my Mother wants me to marry our attorney,

John Blackwell.

- You did right Mary,

but where are you running to?

- To my hotel.

- Oh your hotel.

- Oh, your hotel.

- Yes, The Ritz de la Riviera at Floralhurst.

Now my plan is to go down there and operate it myself,

make it a success, and then I can be independent.

- And you're perfectly right.

All you need is a couple of good men like us to help ya out.

- And are we good men.

- (laughs) We are now in the hotel business.

- Gee, that's grand.

- Boy, that's what I call exhilarating.

- What? - Exhilarating.

- Exhilarating, I'll have to look that up.

Exhilarating, E. - Let's be off.

- Wait a minute, you boys know anything about hotels?

- Ho ho, do we know anything about hotels.

Ha child, there are several hotels looking for us right this very minute.

- What's the matter, you outta gas?

- [Mary] No, this is the hotel.

- (chuckles) Pretty isn't it?

Showplace I call it, showplace.

- John Blackwell certainly was lying.

I think it's a shame the way he left this hotel run down.

- Yeah, it's rundown all right.

- You know, it's supposed to be early Victorian.

- (snickers) Very early.

- Too early.

- Mother said that all the big bugs used to live there.

- Eh, they're probably still here.

Let's look around.

This place looks like the place that fella King Tut was buried.

- Buried, looks more like the place where he was born.

Where did you say you got this hotel?

- My Uncle gave it to me.

- Honey, you've been robbed.

- (chuckles) Robbed is right.

- Aw come on Addington, let's look around.

We might be able to put it over.

- It would be easier to push it over.

- Look!

What's that?

- Is it a mummy?

- No it's Father Time's grandfather.

(knocking on counter) - [Wilbur] Boy, boy.

- [Addington] Come come my good man.

- Wait wait, let's see who's registered here.

General Grant, Lydia Pinkham, Buffalo Bill.

- (chuckles) Quite a cast, quite a cast.

- Do you think they're still here?

- They are if they left a call with him.

Ah, the morning paper.

Oh boy, wait til they hear what Dewey did at Manila Bay.

You'd better waken the old man. He may be dead.

- Boy boy, this is becoming irksome, come come.

- [Wilbur] Come on lunch. - [Addington] Hey!

- [Wilbur] Lunch? - Kansas City all out.

Lad, this young lady here has placed us in full charge

of the Hotel Ritz de River,

and we intend to place it where it belongs.

Now, (clears throat) our first innovation

is to be the inauguration of the eight hour day.

Eight hours in the morning, and eight hours in the afternoon.

- Well, well that don't help me any.

I'm the night man.

(pocket watch thuds)

- Gee I'm scared.

- That's all right little one, I'm here.

Who's our guest.

- Why he ain't no guest, he's the house detective.

- I'm afraid the thing is a bust, come on, let's sign off.

- Oh boys, we've got to think of something.

- Gee it would be wonderful

if we could do something with this hotel.

- Wonderful, it would be miraculous.

- It would make a swell fire.

- (fingers snap) wait a minute.

I've just given birth to an idea.

- My how you must have suffered.

- Listen.

Now listen to knowledge.

What this hotel needs is publicity.

I'll send the story to all the leading newspapers

saying that society has adopted the hotel as a fad.

In two weeks time this old birdcage will be on the map.

Now top that one if you can.

Now you two just go on back there, sit down and relax,

and I'll telephone the good news to the newspapers.

(loveseat thuds)

- (laughs) That's the idea, just relax.

Hello Central, sorry to disturb you.

Connect me with the editor of The New York Examiner.

A chair son, so that I may be able to sit and think.

Hello, editor of The New York Examiner?

Ah, this is Ganzy speaking.

Ganzy of Ganzy, Ganzy, and Ganzy,

operators of the world's greatest hotels (chuckles).

We have recently taken over The Hotel Ritz de la Riviera at Floralhurst,

and we are making it the mecca of society (chuckles).

Yes, why at this very moment,

one of world's greatest painters is busy redecorating.

Eh, we have installed the safest safe in the world.

Yes, yes, so that society may come here,

and feel that their jewels will be absolutely safe, yes.

Eh, why our register already carries

some of the world's most prominent names,

and one man is here with his wife.

(chuckles) Yes, mm hmm, yes, I know you will, yes, thanks.

Well boy, how's that?

- (chuckles) That's telling them.

- [Addington] Boy, I ain't never fallen down on anything.

(chair crashes)

(Wilbur laughs loudly)

- Society's new fad, The Hotel Ritz de la.

Well, the rundaysvoos of wealth and fashion.

- Rendezvous.

- I don't believe it.

The rundaysvoos, the hotel.

Well, it looks as if Mary will be getting somewhere

even if she did run away.

- That story is absurd.

As your attorney, I can't sanction this crazy business.

You can't sanction wealth and fashion flocking to The Ritz?

- Ah nonsense.

Mary has probably fallen into the hands of some very clever confidence men,

and she'll doubtless wind up, oh losing her hotel.

- Listen, anything that happens to that hotel

will be an improvement.

- Yes, but what about something that may happen to Mary?

- (exhales deeply) I never thought of that.

- (snickers) No, well I haven't thought about

anything but Mary.

You know how much I love her.

- Well I oughta, you told me often enough.

What're your plans?

- I'll go there at once, throw those men out,

and bring Mary home here where she belongs.

- You're optimistic, you don't know Mary.

- Now don't worry, I'll settle this,

that is if you'll back me up.

- Back you up, I'll be right behind you.

In fact I'll go along with you.

- Well all right.

I'll meet you here at 12.

Can you imagine,

I got it all set to marry the girl, take over the property,

and a couple of half smart guys come along and mess up my plans.

- You ain't afraid of 'em are ya?

- No, I'm just apprehensive.

If they find out about our hideaway in the hotel basement we're lost.

- Hey, let's go down there and take 'em for a ride.

- Or put 'em on the spot.

- Well my motto is give 'em the pineapple, it never fails.

- All right Mac, you get down there as quickly as you can,

but don't do any shooting til you see me.

- [Mac] All right.

- This looks like pie for us boys.

Now remember, you're gonna mix with the best people,

so watch your step,

and the first guy that says ain't, gets a sock in the nose,

but I'm gonna send the Duchess down

to try and wiggle the combination out of those two birds

that are running the joint.

Now listen Spudoni,

you go on down ahead and look the joint over.

We'll meet ya there.

- Sure Chief.

The Duchess is one of the cleverest wives I ever had.

(telephone ringing)

- Hello?

Oh how are you Duke?

Yes, I was just reading the story.

Rather expected your call.

Sounds great.

Okay, I'll go down first and meet you there.

Right, goodbye.

(bell ringing)

- Were you ringing?

- No, I was tolling, I thought you were dead.

Take a glass of water to room 16.

- She drink?

- No, the lady wants to make a high dive.

- Say, you know I'm not as big a fool as I used to be.

- Have you been dieting?

(Bellboy scoffs)

- This is the Hotel Ritz de la Riviera.

Yes, just a moment.

Oh Mr. Ganzy.

- Yes Mr. Boswell.

- A gentleman in Cincinnati

wants to know if the fish are biting.

- If they are, they're biting each other.

- They're hungry, no, they're not hungry, yes.

- How are you sleuth?

- All right.

That young fellas a human dynamo.

- (chuckles) Yes, everything he has on is charged.

- You know, things ain't so quiet around here no more.

I may decide to quit.

- In that case, we require two weeks written notice.

- Well I can't write.

- Then that settles that.

Now eh, go upstairs and count the chambermaids,

and eh, report to me every now and then.

- Every now and then? - Every now and then.

- Every now and then.

- Thank you.

- Look, more telegrams.

Gosh, if this keeps up, we'll have to build an annex to this hotel.

- Gee, it's a long time since I've seen you.

- Yes, almost an hour.

- And you still like me?

- More than ever.

- More than ever, body?

- More than any, body.

- Now let's don't go into that,

here, here, read some telegrams.

- Here's one from Harold Van Asterbilt.

He wants two rooms and four baths.

- (chuckles) The man's a channel swimmer.

Listen to this one.

Reserve wedding suite for myself and friend,

also room for the wife.

- (snickers) That's what I call breaking them in.

(Addington chuckles)

- Ah, customers, be alert lad, be alert.

(Bellboy scoffs)

Greetings, greetings.

- And salutations.

- How you do gentlemen?

Have you the reservation for the Duchess Bessie Von Essie.

- Why you're the kind we throw them out for.

- Will you register Bessie?

- Ah, you are a so kind.

How do you spell Bessie?

- [Wilbur] Yeah (clears throat).

(Addington laughs) - I am, I am so sorry, pardon.

You see your American English, it is so different.

- Yes, so is our Scotch. (Wilbur laughs)

What eh, what kind of a room would you like Duchess,

what kind of a room would you like?

- I should like a room in which I can muse and cogitate.

- Suppose I give you one where you can

Sears and Roebuck (chuckles)?

(Addington clears throat) - You mean to tell me you never cogitate?

- Not while I'm on duty Madam, not while I'm on duty.

Look that word up will ya?

- Cogitate, I-J-K.

- Codge, codge, codge. - Cogitate.

- Ah, would you like a room with or without?

- I will leave everything to you.

- (laughs) She's gonna leave it all to me (laughs).

- He's my partner, you'll have to give me half.

- Son, son, can't you see that we're in conference?

Return to your cogitating.

- I hate that word, cogitate.

- Is this the wonderful safe I have read so much about?

- Yes, yes, would you care to look it over?

- Ah, that would be very, very interesting.

- Well step this way Madam, step this way.

There you are, it's a 1932 model, seven bearing crankshaft.

No tin there, hydraulic brakes, all wool and a yard wide.

- Is it burglar proof?

- It is so far.

- A very fine safe indeed.

I shall probably look into it later.

- Oh you must, you must.

- Right upstairs.

(suitcase explodes)

- What's the matter with you?

- What's the matter with that dame?

- Nothing, the lady is simply eccentric.

I'll show her up.

I trust you will forgive my partner Duchess.

You see, he falls for every pretty girl he sees (laughs).

- I could not refuse you anything, you are so fascinating.

- Yes, I suppose so.

You know Duchess, sometimes I think it's a curse.

- Oh by the way, is it customary to dress for dinner here?

- Oh yes, yes, yes, we dress for all meals here.

It gets a little drafty around six.

(Duchess and Addington laugh loudly)

You know, I think Addington's idea is gonna turn out all wrong.

- Ah.

- 10:30 and all is well.

- Did you hear that?

Even the Chief himself says that all is well.

- Well I don't believe anything I hear these days.

- Honey, you're gonna believe me.

- Greetings my friend, greetings.

- And salutations.

- I'd like a suite. - Certainly, certainly.

Something modern or comfortable?

- Oh, something high up.

- Something high up.

- Would $30.00 a day be high enough?

- Quite satisfactory.

May I register? - Certainly sir, certainly.

Ah, Democrat or Republican (chuckles)?

Ah, Switzerland.

Oh, well you will love it here.

Our radiators yodel all night (laughs).

- I'd like a room with a good exposure.

- He wants a room with exposure.

- Are we gonna allow that here?

- Certainly, your stupidity is stupendous.

- Stupendous. - Stupendous. - Stupendous. - Stupendous.

- S.

- Stoop, stoop, not that way, not that way.

- S-T double O. - S-T double O.

- Hey, is that the famous safe I read about?

- Oh uh, yes, yes, that's our safe.

- Well I gotta a lot of valuable jewels with me,

and I'd like to look it over, if it's in order.

- Why certainly sir, it's always in order.

Will you step this way?

Pip ain't it?

- Very sturdy looking safe I should say.

In what eh, compartment will my valuables be kept?

- Here's where we keep all the valuable jewels sir.

- Very very interesting.

I'll send my jewels down later.

- Good, good, our safe will always be open to you.

- Thanks.

- Mark my word, there's gonna be trouble around here.

- Come on boy.

(suitcase thuds)

Just a few samples from my Father's factory.

He manufactures lawnmowers.

- It's a great mower all right.

- Here boy, come on.

- Do you think that fellas all right?

- Don't give it a thought.

Society people are simply eccentric.

He's a big shot.

(gun firing)

- Bit shot?

He's a whole arsenal.

- Eleven o'clock and all is well.

- Honey, do you remember the other night

in that moonlight night when we were in the boat, huh?

- Gee do I, and wasn't it fun out there too?

(Wilbur chuckles)

Mother!

Well, I'm glad you admit it after trying so hard to run away from me.

Who's this odd looking person?

Well uh, this is Wilbur Boswell Mother.

- Oh it is, is it?

Well I don't like his looks.

Reminds me of your Father.

- I'm pleased to meet ya.

- Yeah, you just think you're pleased to meet me.

Mary you've made a grave mistake, and embarrassed your Mother dreadfully.

Oh but Mr. Boswell here and his friend Mr. Ganzy are wonderful hotel specialists,

and Mother they're going to make us a fortune. Aren't you?

- Good afternoon folks, good afternoon, good afternoon.

Are you being taken care of? - Are you?

- There will now be a slight pause for station announcement.

- This is my Mother Mr. Ganzy.

- Oh well that's different, how are you Mother?

How are ya, how are ya?

- [Mary] And Mr. Blackwell.

- Well fidget the digits old pal, fidget the digits,

you're gonna love us around here, you're going to love us.

Are you the mother of that beautiful child?

- Yes I am!

- Well sir, do you know that I have never seen beauty

so perfectly transplanted.

- Oh, Mr. Pansy.

- Hey, not Pansy, Ganzy, Ganzy.

Look, Ga Ga (chuckles).

Is that your little boy?

- No, Mr. Blackwell is my attorney,

and is to be my future son-in-law.

- [Addington] Oh yes.

- I guess Mary will have something to say about that.

- Shut up!

You know Mr. Pansy.

- Ga Ga. - You know Mr. Ga Ga,

I must be very careful of my daughter's social standing.

- Oh yes.

- One must have a social position nowadays.

- Either that or a job.

(Mrs. Marsh giggles)

You know, I've always thought that Mary

should marry a man of means.

Oh by all means Mrs. Marsh, by all means, and you should do the same.

- Oh Mr. Pansy, your frankness frightens me.

(Addington laughs)

Are you married?

- No, I got this way from riding a bicycle.

- I think I'll register.

- You think you'll register? You little mugwump.

(Mrs. Marsh giggles)

- I want a large room.

- You'll need it. - What's that?

- I said we got some nice open ones.

- Come on Mother, I'll show you to your room.

- You know, I think you're a man of charm and intellect.

You'll make a great success of this hotel.

If it wasn't for him!

I'll see ya later.

- Have a boy show me my room. - Ah certainly, certainly.

Your room number will be ah, 28.

- [Wilbur] 28.

Now if you wish anything else, just wring a towel (laughs).

(Addington clears throat)

- You're both delightfully unfunny.

- You're gonna wipe out our business with those towel jokes.

- It won't be long now.

Do you really think that Mary will have to marry that fella?

- I suppose she will, it's customary.

- Gee, but I'm in love with Mary.

You've got to do something about it.

- For instance, what?

- If I could think I wouldn't ask you,

but if you're a pal of mine you'll do something.

- I got it, listen, I'll marry Mrs. Marsh,

then I will be Mary's father.

When that happens, I'll give my consent

to your marriage to my daughter,

which will make you my son.

It's a little involved, but it'll work out all right.

- Addington, you don't mean to tell me

you'd marry that battleship?

- Certainly, that's a lot of woman boy, a lot of woman.

Look boy, we're getting the cream of society.

Good afternoon my good man.

What good can we do for ya?

- Nice weather we're having,

that is for a small town like this.

- I am the Duke of Winchester.

I would like a very expensive room.

- You'll get it.

- Ah, I see my wife is here.

- [Wilbur] Your wife?

- Yes, in 24.

- Oh yes, in 24.

That was six years after the war.

- Is eh-- - Yes, that's our little safe.

- A marvelous piece of furniture,

and now if you don't mind, I'll go to my room.

- [Addington] I don't mind a bit, you just run right along.

- Look at this.

- Why it couldn't be him.

- It couldn't be, but it is.

- Wait a minute, I'll ask him.

I beg your pardon sir, is that you?

(Duke and Addington laugh loudly)

- My oh my, I do wish they would catch this scoundrel.

- Well, you know the police are not so hot around here.

- No, no, they're very lackadaisical.

(book thuds) - I'm getting sick of this.

- Lack, lack, lack, lack, L, L, L.

- L-A-C.

- You know, I've been mistaken for him many times.

It's most annoying.

- Oh yes, I should say it must be.

What right has he got running around looking like you anyway?

- Rather um, peculiar coincidence.

- A what? - Very peculiar.

- Yeah, it must've been two other fellas.

- Yes, yes, it must've been.

- I'll show you up, personally sir.

- I'm honored.

- Mr. Ganzy seems very intelligent,

but if that other person had another brain, he'd still have just one.

- Oh Mother, I think you're all wrong about Wilbur.

He has such a sweet personality.

(Mrs. Marsh scoffs) And he's a man you can trust.

- Nonsense, John Blackwell's the man for you.

He's wealthy, worldly, and wise.

(knocking on door)

- Oh my love, you are here.

- Oui misure, and I like it very much.

- Oh, I am so glad, I am so glad.

Oh I am so sorry, do bring the luggage in.

I think he knows the combination of the safe.

- What'll we do?

- Dominate him, wear him down.

Take your cues from me.

- Beat it, I'll get him.

- Can I do anything else for you?

- Yes, I am starving.

- Well I'm a little hungry myself.

- But I am starving for love.

- Love?

- Stop!

Come over here.

- No.

- Will you come over here?

- Why certainly.

- Now put your arms around me.

Put your arms around me.

Now make love to me.

- Ah. - Make love to me.

- You mean whoopee?

- Make love to me.

I simply will not be mother-in-law to such a person as Wilbur Boswell.

- I don't care, I love him, and I'm going to marry him.

(Mrs. Marsh scoffs) Ooh.

- Well, there's you Romeo making Juliet.

- Oh, he, he must sick or something.

(door thuds)

- Yeah or something is right.

Get in here.

- Now, I want you to do something.

- Ah now Duchess, wait a minute, wait a minute.

- Listen, my husband stole my Mother's wedding ring.

Tonight he will put it in the safe.

I must have that ring back,

and I want you to give me the combination to the safe.

- But I don't know the combination.

- Don't lie to me.

- Honest, my partner's the only one who knows it.

- Well darling, get it from him.

- Well, I'll try, but he's the tightest guy I ever saw.

- Wait.

What is the matter?

- Duchess, do me a favor.

- What?

- Please don't tell anybody about this.

- Is there another woman in your life?

- Only Mary, no, you see that is I eh--

- Mary, if I find this Mary,

or any other woman making love to you,

I'll kill her.

- So will I.

Mary.

- Don't talk to me, I saw you in the arms of that woman.

- Oh but Mary I.

Aw gee Mary, honey.

(foot thuds) Aw not wait a minute Mary.

Honest Mary, will you let me explain.

- Oh will you leave me alone.

- Stop.

Come over here.

- I won't do it. - Come here!

- You, you brute.

- Come on, over here.

Will you come over here?

Come on!

Put your arms around me, come on!

Now make love to me.

- Oh Wilbur, I do love you, but I don't trust ya.

- I know honey.

I can explain everything.

It'll take a long time, but I can do it.

- Are you sure that there's no other woman?

- Positive precious.

- Oh Wilbur, I'm so happy.

- So am I.

- And, and you promise we'll never have another quarrel?

- I swear-- - Uh uh, knock on wood.

(gun thudding)

- Honey, we'll never have another argument again

as long as we live

- Well.

- You get outta here.

Go on, get out.

Why, how dare you make love to me.

I never saw her before in my life.

Positively Duchess, why she's a perfect stranger to me.

Go on, get out of here, go on.

Duchess, why are woman weak for me?

- Get that combination.

- Yes sir.

- Do you think he'll get the combination to the safe?

- I doubt it.

- Well than you'll have to vamp the other fella.

- All right, all right, I will.

- Listen, Mr. Boswell, Mr. Ganzy,

that Mr. Blackwell and a gang of crooks

are plotting in room 28.

- There you are Addington, what did I tell you?

- Tut tut, I'll go upstairs,

and get an earful of what they're saying.

- And I'm going with ya.

Well it's worse than I thought. The girl is in love with one of them.

Looks like the old lady's gonna fall for the other one.

- Hmm, then it seems like our work is cut out for us.

- Yeah.

- Come on in here, this room's empty.

- Which is which Chief?

- The thin one's Ganzy, the other one's Boswell.

- Nice boys, just the type I like (laughs).

- You see, you're all wrong.

They're very fond of us.

- They are? - Certainly.

- Let's uh, let's put 'em on the spot.

- No, I think we oughta take 'em for a ride (laughs).

- All right, we'll take 'em for a ride.

(all laughing)

- Hey, you know what they're gonna do? - What?

- Tomorrow they're gonna take us for a nice long ride.

- They are? - Yeah.

- I hope it don't rain.

- After the ride, I'll give 'em each a nice juicy pineapple.

(all laughing)

- Hey. - What?

- Guess what. - What?

- They're gonna give us each a nice juicy pineapple.

- They are? - Yeah.

- Oh and I just love pineapples.

- Hey. - What?

I wonder if I can get them to change mine into a grapefruit, they're juicier.

- You can ask them. - Well I will.

- Listen. - What?

- Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.

- I got ya.

- Which only goes to prove

that you were full of fears, and foolish fantasies.

- You're right Addington, I feel so badly about this thing,

I think I'll go in and hide.

- Good, you go hide and I'll go seek.

- Go on, go ahead,

and I'll give ya an extra hundred for the job

if you do it nice and clean.

- Don't worry, I used to be a dry cleaner.

(all laughing)

- Hi Bessie.

- Oh ah, could you help a lady in distress?

- In this dress quicker than any other dress.

- What eh, what seems to be the difficulty?

- I can't get the cork out of a bottle.

- Oh well then you have stopped the right man.

My first job was in the bottling works.

I was a corker (laughs).

- Oh I just knew you were a man of force.

- Not only a man of force, but a mass of muscle Duchess.

Feel that.

Not so hard Duchess, not so hard.

(both laughing)

Well here's to me.

You know this stuff makes you see double and feel single.

(both laughing)

- You know Mr. Ganzy,

you're one of the cleverest men

I have ever met.

- Ha, there's nothing,

I'm one of the cleverest men I ever met.

(both laughing)

(Addington exhales deeply)

- A man with a brain like yours, really should be psychic.

- Psychic, now let's see, who is he?

- Oh a psychic person is one who is so mentally keen

that they can read another persons mind.

- Is that so? - Mm hmm, oh yes.

- Oh wow, hmm.

- As a matter of fact, I'm a bit psychic myself.

- No.

- Mm hmm, would you like me to demonstrate?

- Certainly, go ahead and psych (laughs).

I love demonstrations, go ahead, psych around awhile.

- All right, you think of something,

and I will read your mind.

- (chuckles) Well that's a lot of reading Madam Duchess,

a lot of reading Madam.

- (laughs) Be very careful what you think of.

I may surprise you.

- (laughs) Well in that case,

maybe I better think of something else.

(Duchess laughs loudly)

Now let's see, what'll I think of, what'll I think of?

You know I got a lot of big things on my mind.

What will I think of?

- Oh most anything.

Say the combination of your wonderful safe.

- The safe, okay, shoot shoot.

The numbers you are thinking are four, seven, eleven, nineteen.

- (laughs) Well you missed.

That's one on you (laughs).

- Oh, was I very far?

- Very far, why you missed a mile,

your not psyching so well Duchess (laughs).

- What is the combination?

- The combination to the safe is 10-20-30-30.

- Oh 10-20-30-30 (laughs).

- Yeah, 10-20-30-30, 60 in all (laughs).

- It certainly is strange, I must be tired from traveling.

- Yes, I suppose so.

- Perhaps I better take a little nap.

- Did you say nap or nip (laughs)?

Well, here's to better readings and weaker minds.

- And now, if you will excuse me,

I think I will go rest in the arms of Morpheus.

- Is he registered here?

I'll have to look him up.

(Duchess laughs)

- I'm glad we became so well acquainted

in such a short time.

- (chuckles) Well you know Duchess,

I'm eh, I'm kinda easy to know when you know me.

- You are rather easy.

- Hey listen Duchess, do me a favor will ya?

Don't read my mind now.

- All is well.

- Hey, keep your eye on a guy named Morpheus.

- Can you beat that for nerve?

McKay and his gang.

- That's the most unethical mob in the racket.

- Yeah, they don't know what it is to be square.

Why there ain't an honest man among them.

- Well son, how is it now, how is it now?

- Fine. - That's good.

- Here's that nice Mr. Blackwell.

- Well well well Mr. Blackwell,

we certainly are delighted to have you in our midst.

- Hello.

- This eh, party you're having tonight.

What time does it start?

Nine o'clock, nine o'clock sharp, and don't fail to be there.

It'll be something to tell your children about.

- (laughs) Be sure and be on the spot.

- On the spot? - Oh now Mr. Blackwell,

of course we know that this is supposed to be a surprise,

but uh, I can't resist the temptation to tell you

that we know all about that delightful little thing

that you're planning for us tomorrow.

(Addington and Wilbur laughing)

- What're ya talking about?

- A little birdie told us (laughs).

- Aw shucks, we know you're gonna take us

for a ride in the morning.

(Addington and Wilbur laughing loudly)

- And don't forget those pineapples.

(Addington and Wilbur laughing loudly)

We love them, don't we (laughs)?

- Yeah, he really does (laughs).

Oh boy, yes.

(upbeat jazz music)

- Ah, the party is in progress. - So it is.

- Will you eh, split a carnation with me?

- I don't mind. Thank you.

- Look, the 20th Century is just pulling in.

- Oh, Mr. Stanzy, I've been turning you over

in my mind all evening.

- (laughs) Do tell, well I'm non plus tiny, non plus.

(Mrs. Marsh giggles)

- Will you excuse me?

- You have no idea how easy that will be.

Too bad he isn't twins, make a great set of bookends.

(both laughing)

- My you look charming this evening, charming.

- Oh Mr. Ramsey, I do hope you'll give me

some of your time during the party.

- Darling I shall always be within a stones throw.

(Mrs. Marsh giggling)

- It is a lovely stone isn't it?

- Stone, it's a monument.

(Mrs. Marsh giggling) Come, let us march and murmur.

- Oh, well you know, I must tell you.

- Yes, yes.

And I said, would you like to go for a tramp in the woods?

And she was keeping me for a week.

(Mrs. Marsh and Addington laughing)

Oh God, you know I feel like a wild oat

going out to be sowed.

(both laughing)

- Are we alone?

- Yeah, you're not scared are you?

- No, no, but I must be careful of my social status.

- Well sit down and nobody will notice it.

- Tell me, how did you make your vast fortune?

- Cattle girly, cattle.

Down in dear Oklahomey, down dear old Cimarron Way.

- Ah the great open spaces.

So different from New York.

- Oh New York is all right,

but I like Boston better.

It's more like Grand Rapids.

- Your ranch must be gorgeous.

- Oh it is honey, it is.

Do you know that my ranch is so swell that we don't have the cattle branded.

- No? - No, we have 'em engraved.

- Tell me, ah, what motor car do you use?

- Well right now I'm using two. - No.

- Mm, an Austin and a Ford. - Ah.

- But I'm putting the big car up for the winter.

- You know, I suspect you got a seat on the Stock Exchange.

- Seat, ha, I've got a Morris chair.

I did have a hammock, but I got rid of it.

- Tell me, tell me, what are your views on love?

- I have no views, I just love (panting).

- Oh, I just knew you were that way you little devil.

- (laughs) But tell me sweetums, are you unmarried?

- Quite often.

You know, I shall never forget my second husband.

- Your second husband? - Yes, we met by accident.

- Hmm.

- He ran over my first husband with his car.

- Oh, sort of a rundown condition as it were.

- Yes. - But what happened to him?

- Oh eh, he died very mysteriously.

- Is that so?

- Yes, you know, I was put out for over a year.

- Put out? - Yes.

- You mean you were put in don't ya?

- (chuckles) Ah, but it wasn't long

before I met my third husband.

- Your third? - Yes.

- Oh yes yes, the third (chuckles),

and eh, what happened to number three?

- Oh eh, he was poisoned.

- Poisoned? - Yes.

- Excuse me, I'll see you later.

- Come, listen, you know, you remind me of my third husband.

- Oh, I remind you of the third one?

- Yes, you're so keen, you're so alert, you're so alive.

- Yes, and I'm gonna stay that way.

- Come here, come here.

Oh, I must tell you about my fifth husband.

- Your fifth husband? - Yes.

- Now wait a minute honey, wait a minute.

You jumped a husband on me (chuckles).

What happened to number four?

- Oh eh, I don't remember him.

- Oh you don't remember him? - No no, no he was nondescript.

- Oh I see, one of those foreigners huh?

- Yes. - Yeah.

- Ah, but I shall never forget my fifth husband.

- Well lay it on honey, lay it on.

What happened to number five?

- Oh, he went to bed with spinal meningitis.

- Say no more baby, say no more.

You know what I'm gonna do? - No.

- I'm going out and look for a good undertaker.

- (chuckles) Ah come back here, come here.

I was only fooling.

I was only putting you to the test.

I wanted to find out whether you were brave and strong.

- Then you're not old lady Bluebeard herself?

- No.

- You haven't had all those husbands? - Certainly not.

- Oh well then I can speak freely.

Honey, you appeal to me. As a matter of fact, you madden me.

(Mrs. Marsh sighs) You're the biggest thing in my life.

(Mrs. Marsh sighs)

Will you marry me and be my widow, ah wife?

- Addington! - Rebecca.

(Mrs. Marsh sighs)

(Addington clicks tongue)

10 o'clock and all is well.

- Well Ganzy and Boswell are confidence men. Crooks.

- They are not.

Whatever Wilbur Boswell is, he's not a crook.

- Well perhaps not,

but I don't think they'll be here tomorrow.

- Why do you say that?

- My information comes from a very reliable source.

- I still don't believe it.

- Supposing they do disappear tomorrow?

Will you marry me?

- Well well well well folks, I certainly am glad to see you

entering into the spirit of the occasion.

- Shh, come on John, let's have a dance.

Addington has something to talk over with Mary.

- Addington?

- Yes Addington, come on.

- So long Mother, see ya around.

- What in the world are you and Mother talking about?

Your Mother and I have just been laying a few domestic plans.

You see uh, we decided to get married and end it all.

- Married?

- Yeah, so you may now consider me your Papa.

Come child, sit.

- But I'm not sure I want you for a papa.

- What, why I'll make the finest little father

that you ever had in your life,

and if you're a good little girl,

I may allow you to marry Wilbur.

- But I don't wanna marry Wilbur now.

- Why daughter, why?

- Well because he has a complex.

- That's all right, I'll make him trade it for a sedan.

- No no, I mean he has another sweetheart.

- He has, why the scoundrel.

I'll teach him to trifle with my little gal.

- Hey, what's the idea?

- I'm fixing it for ya.

- Fixing it, you're chiseling, that's what you're doing.

- Don't pay any attention to that man Daddy.

- What is this thing called love?

- I hope you do marry her Mother and she falls on ya.

I'm going out to do something desperate.

- Daddy, what makes him so wicked?

- He isn't wicked daughter, he's weak.

- Do you think he loves me more than the Duchess?

- Oh, well honey, he wouldn't trade you

for all the Dutches in Holland.

- What do you think I should do?

- Well, now that I've given my consent,

I think you oughta look him up, and tell him that everything is hotsy totsy.

- Gee but you're gonna make a grand Daddy.

- A granddaddy?

- 10:30 and all is well.

- If all's well now, I'd hate to see anything go wrong.

- What's ailing you?

- I think I'll commit suicide.

- Say, that's the best idea you had since you came here.

Here, try that.

- Do you suppose I could hit my brain?

- Well you'll, you'll have to be an awful good shot.

- Oh Wilbur, please forgive me.

Daddy told me the truth about that Duchess.

- You're just in time honey.

I was gonna kill myself.

I can't live without you.

- And, and I can't live without you either Wilbur.

- Honey, let's not go on the patio.

Sit up here for a minute.

I wanna talk to you about our future.

(gun thuds)

Honey, we're gonna put this hotel over,

then we'll be married.

We're gonna have a yacht, a summer and a winter home,

two automobiles and eh.

- Yeah.

- A motorcycle,

and maybe.

(cash register rings)

(cash register rings)

(cash register rings)

(cash register rings)

(cash register rings)

(cash register rings)

I'll split the difference with ya.

- Okay.

(cash register rings)

(upbeat jazz music)

(thunder crashing)

- Was that somebody knocking?

- Oh I'm so frightened.

- There must be a storm.

(thunder rumbling)

The lights are out.

- [Mary] Gee I'm scared, let's find Mother and Addington.

- [Wilbur] Come on honey.

(thunder crashing)

- Ooh.

- My girl, this reminds me of down in dear old Oklahomey.

Come on, let's get out of here.

(guest chattering) (thunder rumbling)

- Hey, we better call this thing off,

or turn it into a swimming party.

- Quite right Wilbur, quite right.

Ah folks, on account of this slight weather disturbance,

I think we better call the party off until tomorrow night.

- Oh.

(guests chattering)

- I would like to place my jewels into the safe.

- Rare judgement Duchess, rare judgement.

- I'll do the same.

- An excellent idea.

- I'm not sure about this safe business.

- You're never sure about anything.

Follow me folks and I'll open the safe you.

(guests chattering) (thunder rumbling)

Boy, go upstairs, and light some of those oil lamps right away.

Wilbur, you open the safe.

I'll collect the jewels.

We have a little envelope for ya folks.

All you have to do is place them in there and tear off the receipt.

Very latest safety precaution.

- They're putting them in a box for us.

- Come on, let's get into our working clothes.

(guest chattering)

- [Addington] Tear off you own receipts. - [Wilbur] Take an envelope.

- Payday boys.

Come on, let's get going, and beat that Duke and his gang to it.

- [Man] There you are. - Good night folks, good night.

- [Man] Good night.

- Now you have them sealed tightly have ya?

That's fine, now you can go sleep and rest easy.

- [Gentleman] Good night. - Good night.

Oh you want us to keep that for ya, certainly.

Good night old boy, sleep tight.

Hey Sherlock.

- All is well.

- Yes, and we wanna keep it that way.

- Come here.

You see this safe?

Well it's crammed full of valuable jewels.

- Is it?

- Is it, I'm telling ya,

and it's your duty to keep you eye on it all night.

Don't take your eye off of it.

- Okay Chief, leave it to me.

- [Mac] Don't make any mistakes.

- [Henchman] Right.

- Two of us will go down the back stairway.

Spike, you keep us covered

from the other end of the balcony.

- Now listen boys, we've got to work fast.

Help yourself to the stuff in the safe,

but the main thing is Ganzy and Boswell, get 'em.

- That's Izzy's job, he'll take care of 'em.

- All right, I'm gonna stick around on the balcony,

and if anybody busts in, I'm gonna pop 'em.

(thunder crashing)

- I think I'm right when I say your wrong.

- Why?

- I hear noise.

- That's static.

- It's burglars, lots of them.

- Will you go back to sleep.

We've gotta get up early tomorrow afternoon.

- I'm going downstairs and get those jewels

and put them under my pillow.

- All right, go ahead,

but I remain right here in this nice comfortable bed.

- Well I'm going down.

(thunder crashing)

- And I'm going with you.

(thunder crashing)

What are you putting that hat on for?

- I might catch cold in my head.

- Well that would be something.

(thunder crashing)

(vase crashing)

- Careful son, careful, I think you damaged that vase.

- It's vahs Addington, vahs.

I looked it up this morning.

- Well, have it your own way, come on.

- Stick your hands up.

- Gee you scared me.

For a minute I thought it was a burglar.

- Keep those hands up. - Me too?

- Yeah, you too.

- What's the big idea?

If you're lucky, you'll read about it in the paper in the morning.

- We don't take the paper, do we Addington?

- [Mac] Shut up.

(guns firing)

- You know, I don't think it's safe here.

(guns firing)

- See if he's got a cigar.

(gun firing)

I'm smoking too much anyway.

Come on, let's get out of here.

(balloon pops)

I think they got me. - Where?

Now you'll have to travel on your stomach.

(balloon pops)

They almost got me that time.

They must be firing from the basement.

- Yeah.

(balloon pops)

- They're getting closer.

- Closer, they're right on our heels.

(balloons popping) - You rats.

(guns firing)

- Hey. - [Wilbur] What?

- I got a great idea, look.

(guns firing)

- Say, that was great, where'd you learn that?

- I came from Davenport.

- Hey. - What?

- Get up and reconnoiter. - I don't have to.

- Reconnoiter, look around, look around.

(guns firing)

- (chuckles) Boy, that's some fly swatter.

- You know I'm glad I stopped that.

That is liable to waken some of our guests.

- That's right. (guns firing)

Come on.

- Well, did you get Ganzy and Boswell. - Get them no.

Say, they're two of the toughest guys I ever seen.

- What do you mean? - What do I mean?

I mean they're down in the lobby with a machine gun.

Bumping them off faster than they did in no mans land.

Now listen Izzy, I'm not gonna lose the stuff or the girl

on account of those two numbskulls.

Now you go downstairs and don't come back until you've nailed them both.

- Not me Blackie, I'm leaving. - You swine.

I'll go down and get 'em myself.

(door thuds)

- Mother! - What?

John Blackwell is going downstairs to kill Wilbur.

- Good. - And Addington.

- Not my Addington. - Yes, I heard him say so.

I'm going and tell Wilbur.

- Well nobody's gonna kill my Addington

without my telling him about it.

Oh dear.

(bed crashing)

(thunder rumbling)

- How are we gonna get over to that safe?

- We'll take the bus.

(guns firing)

- I wonder where Wilbur is?

(Mary whistles)

(gun firing)

Oh.

- This is no time to whistle.

- I know, but I have to save Wilbur.

Yes I know, but you've got to stop inviting bullets in this direction.

I'm too easy to hit, come on.

Ouch!

(chair crashes)

(guns firing) (Mrs. Marsh screams)

- Come on, get on.

- Hey, where am I gonna ride?

- Take the lower berth. - [Wilbur] Okay.

- You set? - Wait a minute, can you run this thing?

- Certainly, it's a standard ship. - Go, go.

(guns firing)

- Good man.

- Yeah, he's watching things all right.

- You light a match, I'll work the combination.

- Hey, I've only got one match.

- That's not enough.

Hey, light it.

Now hold it close, put it right under my nose.

What's to be so nervous about?

Give me that candle.

(Wilbur barks)

Careful, you wanna mess up the floor?

- What's the matter? - I've forgotten the combination.

- It's 10-20-30-30.

- You open it. - Here, I'll do it.

Here, 10, hold it closer.

Will you get it, here, give me it.

Do you wanna make yourself sick at your stomach? Give me that.

Why you crazy.

Give me that you dummy. You wanna blow the joint up?

(gun firing)

(dynamite explodes)

Somebody must've turned the gas on.

Oh Wilbur, are you hurt?

I never felt better in my life.

Addington, are the jewels safe?

Certainly they're safe, haven't I been guarding 'em?

Ah.

Ah, the electricity's on.

Looks like they wiped out a whole crime wave.

Pick 'em up boys.

I'll have to congratulate you fellas.

The award on these crooks will amount to a fortune.

Reward?

Yep, they've all got a price on their heads.

I caught this here lady running away with this here box.

- The jewels. - Jewels. - The jewels.

Why Duchess, would you double cross your old psychic sidekick?

Jewels (snickers)?

It's the detectives lunch.

Get.

Here's another one Sheriff. Just found him under the sofa, and he was still kicking.

If I'm not mistaken, you're Buffalo Blackie, the smuggler,

and you've been using the basement of this hotel for a storehouse.

Basement, I didn't know we had one.

Come on.

Well I sworn.

Can I have Mary now?

Tell me Papa, shall we give our little daughter away?

Certainly, we'll get another one.

12 o'clock and all is well.

(upbeat jazz music)