Original subtitles

(air whooshing)

- Jim, Jim, Jim.

Come up here, I've got something to tell you.

(footsteps approaching)

Don't hurry yourself, will you?

- No.

- Height of the season and you're flicking stones.

You're missing a better custom, aren't you?

- Where?

- Back there.

Don't look around.

Don't forget, ride behind, smile when you take her money.

Now, before she scarpers.

We can't afford to have them sitting down

for nothing, you know?

- Good morning, my love.

And what do I charge for parking space?

- I'm sorry about that madam, he's apt to overstep himself.

- Ha-ha, what a target!

(Jim laughs)

Where you been?

- We all make mistakes.

- Yeah (laughs).

- Don't know what you're laughing at.

There's one on the end of the pier.

- End of the pier?

- End of the pier.

- Yeah, I'll drop you a postcard.

(dramatic music)

- [Henry] Season ticket.

(piano music)

- It's all go dear, ain't it?

- One more.

- Hey, what do you feed this camel on?

Moth balls?

- Hold it.

If things don't brighten up soon,

I'm flogging it to a Chinese restaurant.

- You'll get a good price mate,

it's grown another hump since it's been down here.

- What this place needs is as squib up it.

- So does this camel.

(instrumental music)

I don't know why I let you talk me into coming down here

and get playing nursemaid a lot of empty deck chairs.

That's right, wipe your feet.

Look, stop going round and round,

you're making me feel giddy.

You're like some big fat copper watching me all the time.

You're supposed to be entertainment officer,

well, so we'll get your finger out.

- Well, Rome wasn't built in a day, was it?

- No, and they had a better place to build it, didn't they?

- By tradition, that flag should have been down

15 minutes ago.

- Yeah.

- That's not the way to do it.

Here, come here.

Right?

- Yeah.

- Big Monster Carnival tonight?

- Yeah.

Got any spare tickets?

- Oh, I don't know.

You know, they're in big demand, big attraction.

How many do you want?

- Just Judy and me.

- Only two?

Well, don't be late.

Hey, what am I gonna do with the flag?

- Give you two guesses.

- 15 minutes late with the flag.

- Good evening, Mr. Mayor, sir.

- Good evening.

Very sparse along here?

- Well, they're all having dinner just now, sir,

but they'll be out later on for the Monster Carnival.

Should be a sellout with your kind of participation.

- I was thinking it's not fitting for me

to appear this Monster Carnival.

- Oh, but think of the disappointment.

It's the biggest event in our calendar.

- It better be for your sake.

- Don't you worry.

- I'm not worried.

- Come along son, does your mother know you're out?

Wait a minute, let me check.

I think you're a girl, you are a girl.

What you got there?

- "The Good Book."

- You're telling me stories, aren't you?

That's an airline timetable.

- Did you know that I could be in Rome

by this time tomorrow night,

or I could be in New York by the next day?

- You can't go to New York just like that.

- I can too, I've always saved the plane fare home

just in case anything went wrong.

- Well, you can't go tonight.

We've got to go to Henry's Monster Gala Carnival.

- Oh, I'm covering it anyway for The Gazette.

- They give you all the big assignments, don't they?

- They should, I'm the only reporter

with international experience on the paper.

- [Jim] What was Gormleigh's international correspondent

doing missing her coffee break this morning?

- Very big deal.

Baby show.

- Bet you won first prize.

You're not thinking of moving on, are you?

- I don't know, are you?

- Me?

No, I'm here for the rest of the season.

Why don't you stick around, you might learn something?

- Maybe.

- Oh, the Carnival's fancy dress, put on a dress.

Come as a girl.

- Why don't you go and play in traffic?

(mood music)

- Bit draughty around there boy.

Must be getting near feeding time.

- Do you mind?

I'm on duty.

- Lovely turn out, marvelous evening.

- At least there's room to move, oops!

- You'd never think she was an intellectual now, would you?

- Things are picking up, there's still more than last week.

I think they're about ready for it now.

Okay, Horace, let the balloons go.

- Ow!

Don't just stand there, come on, skate.

- No, I don't wanna show you up.

I'll stay with Henry.

He needs my support.

- Is that the time?

- Yeah.

- Oh, fancy dress.

- Mind how you go.

(Henry screams)

There he goes again.

Get a load of Henry.

More, more.

- Will you stop niggling him?

- He doesn't mind, he's my friend.

- Yeah, well, I bet he's lost a lot more hair

since you arrived.

- Yeah, we used to call him curly at school.

lovely little fellow, a little round face.

- You know, he got you your job here.

- Look, I could have got a job anywhere.

Southend, Margate, Ramsgate, I could have earned much

more than I'm earning now, and that's a dead cert.

- That really bothers you, doesn't it?

That he's got such a good job.

- Call that a job?

I call that a living death.

- You can't even stay put,

you move from one place to another.

- That's flexibility.

- Flexibility?

You're kidding yourself.

- What about you charging all over the world

working in coffee bars?

- That's different, I'm a writer.

- You're joking.

- You know, I majored in psychology at school,

and I probably know a lot more about your problems

than you do.

- Help me, doctor.

I'm so mixed up.

- A fine attitude to take.

- Lie on the couch with me, doctor,

and let's discuss our problems together.

- You're really impossible.

- Give me a kiss.

- Sex rears its ugly head again.

- Sex?

Don't mention that word, drives me batty.

- You can't be original about the whole thing.

- Talk to me.

- Ladies and gentlemen, your judge

for the Monster Gala Carnival fancy dress competition,

supported by the rest of the members of his council,

his worship, the Mayor.

(cool music)

(Henry laughs)

- Quite a good turnout, sir.

Two more than last week.

I've got a whole selection of talent lined up for you.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah.

Eve, snake.

What a discerning choice, sir.

- Many congratulations, my dear.

What an interesting costume?

- Miss Adams is also one of the town hall employees.

She works in the accounts department.

- How nice, I must come

and check the figures myself someday.

- Oh, dear, oh dear (laughs).

(Henry screams)

- You shouldn't go around dressed up as a girl.

- I thought you'd appreciate it.

- Oh, I do.

- Poor Henry.

- What a fiasco that was.

All that palaver just to fix up a scrubber for the Mayor.

- What Gormleigh needs is a few ideas.

In America, we'd really know

how to promote a place like this.

- Look, all this place needs is populating.

- Yeah, but how?

- Well, I'm a boy, you're a girl.

That's a good start.

Let's permutate around that for a while.

- Now we're back to sex again, are we?

Give you a deserted beach and you revert to the obvious.

- Yeah, what's wrong with the obvious?

- I'll tell you what is wrong with the obvious,

it's too obvious.

- Come on, look, if you're going to be a famous writer

you got to live a hit.

Give the... oh!

- Just look at me.

(Jim laughs)

- I can see through your clothes.

- Well, then don't look.

- If this was a Bridget Bardot film we'd play

a sexy love scene now.

- Well, she's in St. Tropez.

This is Gormleigh.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Judy.

Judy, I'm sorry, darling.

- You say that once more.

- I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry too, I'm also wet.

- Yeah, but I am sorry.

- You've got a marvelous command of language.

What are you?

A linguist?

- Well, it's only water.

- And so perspective.

- Where's your sense of humor?

- That got wet too.

- Yeah, well, I said I'm sorry, it was an accident.

- I fall in the water and all you can talk about

is Bridget Bardot.

- I'm sorry.

- You don't know the meaning of the word.

- Oh, I don't know.

All this fuss about falling in the water?

Bardot does it all the time, what a personality.

Do you know St. Tropez was nothing before she went there?

What we ought to do is bring in the Gormleigh.

Now there's a story for you.

- That's ridiculous.

- Anyway, I was forgetting you couldn't get that printed,

it's too big.

- Oh, now just to wait one minute.

I can get anything printed in that paper.

- All right, you do that.

What we want is Bardot, not Bingo.

- All right, I will.

All you can do is daydream about sex bombs.

- See you tomorrow morning, Judy.

(instrumental music)

Hard at it, pop?

- Yeah, we've got it looking nice for B.B.

- Good morning, good morning.

- I've made you some coffee, American style.

- Great, great, great.

Sorry I got you wet last night.

- It served me right.

I was nagging you, wasn't I?

- No, how do you like the flowers?

- You're pretty sweet, aren't you?

- Well, I don't know, I don't know.

- I got you some pastries.

- Oh, marvelous.

- I hope you like them.

- Everything's all right then?

- Yeah, friends?

- Yeah.

(Jim laughs)

Well, that's that then.

We face the morning with a smile on with the radio.

Good morning, Francoise, you French darling you?

- Who's your friend?

- My favorite female, Francoise Fayol.

- Oh, she must be hard up for fans then.

- Jealous, jealous.

- Oh, so it's her you're mad about?

I thought it was B.B.

- No, it's you I'm mad about.

I'm mad about your mind.

I lay awake at night thinking about your mind.

- I bet.

- Jim, Jim, you're in the paper.

- Oh!

- I hope you like it.

- How about that?

Jim made the headlines.

Any pictures?

- Of Bridget?

- Oh, no, of me.

Where is it?

- Here, right here.

- Oh, yeah, what's wrong with Gormleigh?

Last night we interviewed Mr. James Stevens,

one of the council's new frontier young executives,

gave his ideas for the summer campaign to attract visitors.

High on the list was a visit

of the famous French film star, Bridget Bardot.

Hey, you're talented.

- You made me angry last night.

- Mr. James Stevens, young frontier executive.

Yeah, I like that.

- You won't when the Mayor's through with you.

- Why is that?

- You work for the council, don't you?

- Yeah.

- The Mayor doesn't like his employees shooting

their mouths off about anything.

- I dare.

- I wouldn't be surprised if you're not

an ex-council employee by the time the morning's over.

- Well, I don't care.

I think it's a good idea.

- Come on, he wants to see you.

- I'm sorry, Jim.

- Come on, I've got another idea.

- It's all my fault.

- It won't work, you know?

- You don't even know Francoise Fayol.

- Leave it to me, where Jim goes there's news.

Get up them stairs.

(bright music)

- Your worship, I got him, sir.

He says he's very sorry and it won't happen again.

- Are you responsible for this?

- Yes, and this is my press agent.

- Oh, how do you do?

Now, look here man,

my phone hasn't stopped ringing all morning.

People wanting to know when Bardot is arriving,

I haven't been able to get on with any work.

- That must be most frustrating for you, sir.

- It is my duty to se that these machines are suitable

for our public.

- Oh, yes, sir.

- I will not have employees

in the council making unauthorized statements to the press.

It always stirs up trouble and upsets the smooth running

of Gormleigh's administration.

- Well, that's very good, sir.

You see, Gormleigh is like these machines.

Who wants to see these?

No, you know what Gormleigh wants?

Is more of this.

You see, your worship, if Gormleigh became known

for this sort of thing,

they'd come flocking in like bees after honey.

- Well, I--

- A beach full of heavenly bodies.

- Don't be ridiculous young man, Bridget Bardot--

- Ah!

I see you're a logical man, your worship,

but there's more than one pebble on the beach.

This is not B.B, this is F.F.

- F.F?

- Francoise Fayol, the toast of Le Touquet.

Francoise Fayol in Pavements of Paris.

Francoise Fayol in Pavements of Marseilles.

Francoise Fayol in Pavements of Dieppe.

Not bad?

- How soon can you get her here?

- You just leave that to me, your worship?

She's just finished making Pavements of Boulogne

and she's in Le Touquet for the premiere.

Look at this, to Jim, (speaks foreign language), Francoise.

You know what that means, don't you?

- I don't recall your position in--

- Deck chair attendant, sir.

Just started this season.

- Deck chair attendant?

And you come in here, you were thinking of inviting

this interesting young lady?

- Well, she'll be coming to the film festival, of course.

- Film festival?

- Yes, the Gormleigh Film Festival.

Yeah, sounds good, doesn't it?

- Film festivals cost a lot of money.

- I don't think I can get Francoise

to come without a film festival.

- I think you're wasting my time young man.

I don't believe you know Francoise Fayol.

- Know her?

All I have to do is whistle.

- All right, deck chair attendant, you whistle her up

and we'll have a film festival.

- Have you got that down?

- Naturally.

- I may quote you, of course.

- What?

- The Mayor agrees that the Gormleigh Film Festival

is to be attended by Francoise Fayol,

the sex bomb of the new wave.

- It'll run in the next edition.

(telephone rings)

- Excuse me, Mayor's office.

- Excuse me.

- When's who arriving?

- Excuse me, hello.

No, no, no, no, no, I've been misquoted.

No, no, no, no, not B.B.

No, F.F, Francoise Fayol.

Oh, yes, yes, she's kindly consented

to open the Gormleigh Film Festival

James Stevens, a publicity officer to the film festival.

Yes, yes, yes, you can quote me, yes.

Bye.

Daily Mirror.

- Good Lord, do you know what you've done?

- Make it started already, nationwide publicity.

Don't worry, your worship, you attend to the details

and I'll supply your star.

- You'd better deliver young man or you'll never work again,

any of you.

- Good morning.

(trumpet music)

(Guitar music)

- Got the tickets?

- You've got them,

I used to know a bird like this, all mouth.

Hey, don't lose them.

- Well, I'm not likely to, am I?

- Yes, you are.

- Two days trip to Boulogne.

I've only got 13 and six left.

- Not exactly Rockefeller, are you?

- It's not exactly the beginning of the month, is it?

- Oh, stop bickering.

- Why can't he be like me?

Why can't he just say, yes sir, no sir, I'm sorry, sir,

I won't let it happen again.

Why do you have to be inspired?

- The place is buzzing boy,

your phone's been ringing all day.

- Yeah, well, that's true.

- What?

Complaints? - No, they're all excited

about it.

- Well, I feel like I'm being deported.

- The trouble with you, Henry,

is you don't think positively enough.

The power up positive thought is what is needed.

- I've got a positive thought.

- What's that?

- What if F.F doesn't want to come to Gormleigh?

- What do you think I've got all this gear on for boy?

She won't be able to resist me?

- Oh, get a load of prince charming.

- Anyway, she's a film star, she needs the publicity.

- Yeah, why don't we just phone her up?

- Leave a light burning in the window,

don't pine for me love.

- Oh, I think I can last one day.

- I should go away more often.

- Hurry up, you'll miss the pier.

♪ Pretty little turtle dove ♪

♪ Sitting on a vine ♪

♪ Longing for her ♪ own true love ♪

♪ As I do now for ♪ mine, for mine ♪

♪ As I do now for mine ♪

♪ Up on the mountain ♪ the other day ♪

♪ A pretty little flower grew ♪

♪ Never did I know ♪ till the other day ♪

♪ What love oh love, ♪ could do, could do ♪

♪ What love oh love could do ♪

♪ If I had a lazy man ♪

♪ I'd scold him sure ♪ as you're born ♪

♪ I'd take him down ♪ to New Orleans ♪

♪ Trade him off for ♪ corn, for corn ♪

♪ And trade him off for corn ♪

♪ But I'm a poor country girl ♪

♪ Money I have none ♪

♪ But there's a ♪ silver in the stars ♪

♪ And gold in the ♪ morning sun, sun ♪

♪ And gold in the morning sun ♪

(speaking in foreign language)

- Le Touquet.

- Le Touquet.

(speaking in foreign language)

- What did he say?

- I don't know.

(Speaking in foreign language)

- Henry, I've found her.

- You what?

- Well, where is she?

- Voila.

Francoise Fayol, "Rues de Boulogne."

- That's a new film.

- Yeah, bit pale, isn't she?

- Yeah, she wants to get out in the sun a bit more.

Oh, how do you do?

- Hello, darling.

- There's another one over there.

- Where?

- Hey, look!

The Martians have landed.

- Oh, no.

- Thousands of them, look.

(both laughing) (bright music)

- Hey, what a pity they're not real.

- Yeah, they're like me, soft and cuddly.

- Hey, look at that car on the pavemement.

- Maybe they're allowed to drive

on the pavement in France. - That's ridiculous, ain't it?

- Just a minute.

(car engine revs)

- It's coming for us.

Swine. - Swine.

Who did that then?

Murderer, swine.

- Who do you think your trying to kill?

- Who so you think you are?

Hey, you, stop!

Stop!

You nearly killed us.

I thought you were going to--

- Hey, hey!

(car engine revving)

What do you think you're doing?

- What's your game.

(Francoise shouts in foreign language)

(all shouting)

- That's her, that's Francoise Fayol.

- Hello, Miss Fayol.

(speaks in foreign language)

- Excuse us, my friend didn't recognize you

with your clothes on.

- No, I didn't. - What do you mean,

didn't recognize me

with my clothes on? - What do you have

to say that for? - I'm a serious artist.

- Yes, you are, exactly. - Of course, you are.

(speaks in foreign language)

- My name is Jim Stevens, I'm in publicity.

Henry Liggett, Henry Liggett, he's in entertainment.

- Entertainment, yes.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.

How can anyone take me seriously

when I'm floating around the beach full of gas.

- Exactly, now, I have a little proposition to make to you.

I'm a great admirer of yours, Miss Fayol.

I'll tell you what we do, we'll do anything to help you.

We'll knock all these balloons down,

we'll smash the beach - Really,

you will really help me? - Yes, yes.

- Good, come with me. - Certainly.

What do you want us to do?

- Shhh!

Burn them.

- Have you got any matches?

- Let's go.

- You can hardly see your way here

with all these dummies around.

- Now will you do it for me?

- What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yes or no.

- All right then.

- All right, let's do it.

- Yeah, oops, hang on, oops.

(bright upbeat music)

(singing in foreign language)

(Vladek speaks in foreign language)

- May I introduce, this is Vladek,

my fiance, the famous producer.

(Vladek speaks in foreign language)

- [Henry] Hello, very nice to meet you.

- That's the end of your stupid publicity stunt.

- Are you mad?

These things cost money.

- Well, it's stupid idea.

- Stupid?

This is the best publicity you've had

for any of your pictures.

- Cheap publicity, cheap.

- Cheap?

You don't realize the money

and my precious time I've spent on you.

(Francoise speaks in foreign language)

- You are responsible for this,

I'm going to call the police, criminals.

- Miss Fayol asked us to burn them,

anyway, it's ridiculous publicity.

- She's a serious artist.

- Serious?

Without me she'd still be modeling.

- Oh, I did it only for paying my drama studies.

- Drama?

- She's developed since then.

- Yes, she's very well developed.

That's why I can get money for her pictures.

- Oh, in your film all I have to do is take off the clothes.

Why can't you make a picture where I can act with my mind

instead of my body?

- How I'm going to sell a picture about your mind, idiot?

(speaks in foreign language)

- Cherie.

- Oh no, you don't understand me.

- Please, we are going to Rome.

I have a wonderful story for you.

- Oh, yes, so I have to take off my clothes in Italian.

- Please.

- Oh, don't start that all over again.

No, I'm not going to Rome, I'm not going anywhere.

- All right, do as you like.

- And I don't want to see you again until you find me

a film worthy of my talent.

- Your talent is worth nothing without mine.

(shouts in foreign language)

- Don't worry, come to our place and have a cup of tea.

- All right.

(trumpet music)

- Right gentlemen, chests out, stomachs in,

do Gormleigh proud.

We want a little more fortissimo

and a little less pianissimo for our distinguished visitor.

About turn!

- Look, they're round the other side.

All down, we're coming around.

We're coming around.

- Over there, over there.

- Where are they going?

Come on, come on!

Here we are, Gormleigh.

- Unbelievable.

- May I present, Mademoiselle Francoise Fayol.

(audience shouting)

- One more.

- Mademoiselle, I welcome you to Gormleigh.

(Jim speaks in foreign language)

- Yes, yes (speaks in foreign language).

Nice to have you here.

- So you are a Mayor?

I'm looking forward to find out all about you.

- Mutual.

- Marvelous reception,

your worship. - Excuse me.

I will take over now, very good job, Mr. Liggett.

- Thank you, thank you very much.

- Not at all, you can take the second chair.

- What am I gonna do with this lot?

- I'll give you two guesses.

- Must look after you now that you're in our hands,

so to speak.

The old people of Gormleigh have given up

their afternoon spin so that you may be driven down

the longest piers in Britain, if not the world.

Forward!

(instrumental music)

It now gives me great pleasure to present

to you the symbolic key which makes you a free man

in the town of Gormleigh.

it is also the key to our hearts.

(speaks in foreign language)

You too.

(audience clapping)

We now invite you to take the salute at our precession

which is designed to cement Anglo-French relationships.

Right, let the precession commence.

- Horace, the first float!

- William the Conqueror

and Harold at the Battle of Hastings,

England and France get together.

So you see that you're not the first native of France

to conquer us?

A great French invention, Madam Le Guillotine.

I did the working drawings myself.

I'm a bit mechanically bent.

- Oh!

- Fascinating toy.

- Oh, yes.

- The French Arts, all local talent are selected by myself.

That one minus the ear is Van Gogh.

He cut it off.

They're a funny lot these foreigners, I do beg your pardon.

Mr. Shorthouse is Toulouse Lautrec.

And now a tribute from the British Legion

to the Foreign Legion.

- Sir, there's been a delay.

Napoleon and Josephine, they're jammed around the corner.

(audience applausing)

Where's he gone now?

Blimey, he hasn't seen the other things.

We haven't finished yet, come back!

- [Mayor] Abandon ship.

- [Announcer] England.

♪ Rule Brittania ♪

- Come on, come on.

♪ Brittania rule the waves ♪

It's all right, they're coming back.

♪ Britains never, never, ♪ never, shall be slaves ♪

♪ Rule Brittania ♪

♪ Brittania rule the waves ♪

♪ Britains never, never, ♪ never, shall be slaves ♪

(Francoise coughs)

- I might have been drowned.

- Oh, no, you were all right close to me.

I've a medal for life saving.

- It's all right, sir.

Napoleon and Josephine, I told them to hang on.

- I swallowed half of your stupid sea.

- Get a move on.

Come on, don't keep the Mayor waiting.

- Oh, there, there.

Just a little contretemps.

We'll have you out of these damp clothes in a minute.

- Oh, I'm cold and shivering.

- Now, now.

- Sir, what about Napoleon and Josephine?

- Will get the limousine?

- Get me out of here before I scream.

- We'll soon have you in the Sarah Bernhardt room.

Just a... see, we'll have you home and dry in a jiffy.

(rain pouring)

(instrumental music)

- It's just a passing shower, miss.

Excuse me, oops!

Remember Sir Walter Raleigh, sir?

- Who?

- Raleigh.

- Yeah, here you are. - Thank you.

(Francoise screams and speaks in foreign language)

- If I wanted to, I could conquer the world.

- It hasn't exactly got you anywhere, has it?

- Well, I got F.F, didn't I?

- You mean it's got you back to your deck chairs.

- Henry and the Mayor couldn't do what I did.

- I suppose you think you're the one conquer her.

- Well, I have a certain (speaks in foreign language).

- Oh.

- [Mayor] Stevens!

- [Henry] Jim!

- [Mayor] Stevens!

- Oh, we're being followed.

- Yeah.

- Quick, quick, come to the hotel.

- What for?

- She's so temperamental.

- Who?

- F.F, I'm afraid she might do something silly.

If she left now, the publicity.

- Yes, be rather embarrassing, wouldn't it?

- She became violent.

She threw mud in his worship's face.

- She says she wants to speak to you.

- I don't know why.

- Yeah, well, I do.

We have certain understanding, you know?

- Look, never mind the chairs.

She might be packing now.

- Yeah, or talking to reporters.

- Yeah, look, Stevens, you go talk to her.

- Well, all right.

As I'm publicity officer for the rest of the festival.

- Right.

- With unlimited powers to carry out the publicity

the way that I want to.

- Right.

- I ought to see what I can do.

- Right.

- Yeah, well, I will just get these chairs away.

- Hey, hey, never mind the chairs.

- Oh, right.

- Yeah, we'll do 'em.

- No, you'll do 'em.

- Hello.

- [Jim] Festival publicity officer here.

- Oh, Jim, it's you.

- [Jim] Yeah, it's me.

I bet you didn't miss me,

I bet there's somebody else already.

- Never.

- [Jim] Yeah?

- Well, actually, there is somebody else.

- Who is that?

I'll do him.

- [Francoise] His worship, the Mayor, of course.

- It's about time somebody put him in his place, the old--

- Goat.

- [Jim] Yeah.

- A pompous old goat.

- [Jim] That's the word we're searching for.

Look, look, it's about time he was brought down

a peg or two.

Will you help me?

- Oh, it will be a pleasure.

- I've got great idea for a little publicity party

on the beach tomorrow.

Can I come up and discuss it with you privately?

I'm coming, I'm outside your door.

(Francoise laughs) (door knocks)

(mood music)

Good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning.

Still churning it out, I see.

- What does it look like?

- All good stuff, nothing too near the knuckle.

- I'm writing a novel, not a bedtime story for children.

Hope you enjoyed yourself last night.

- What, with Francoise?

Well, I had to spend

the whole evening persuading her to stay.

I had to use all my charm.

- Ooh, what a schmoo. - Jim.

- Excuse me, duty calls.

See you later.

(speaks foreign language) one and all,

and a (speaks in foreign language) it is.

There it is.

That's the shot that we want, pier in the background.

The Mayor and civic dignitaries join Francoise Fayol

in the delights of Gormleigh.

Right, gentlemen.

Shoes and socks off.

Paddling.

- Oh, I hardly think.

- I thought we decided

to create a new gay carefree image for Gormleigh.

- Yes.

- Well, the publicity officer strongly advises you

to take off your shoes and socks

and show him your itsy pink tootsies.

- I don't think--

- You will take off your shoes and stockings,

and I will too.

(councilors groaning)

- Come on, tootsies in the briny, Mr Liggett.

- Tootsies in the briny,

I'll give you tootsies in the briny.

- Yeah, boys, get ready to take one

of the greatest picture of the year.

Smile, gentlemen, you're doing this for Gormleigh.

(camera shutters)

- Oh, Jim, you great fool.

We are all soaked.

- We've got some marvelous pictures.

- I'm very pleased,

perhaps I may now return to more prosaic duties.

- But darling, I haven't christened my new bathing costume.

It would be so nice, would it not Mr. Stevens?

If you had some photos in bathing costumes, all of us.

I'm dying to try it on.

- Well, if it's going to help the new image.

- Oh, it would, it would, it would, Mr. Mayor.

What a marvelous idea?

Everybody into bathing costumes.

- Oh goody, goody.

- I will be out of this dress in a second.

- First places, please gentlemen.

Grace and movement, on the ball, fairy dancing.

Ready, steady, go.

There we are, gentlemen.

Frolic like little lambs.

Right boys, immortalize that.

(Jim yawns)

(speaks in foreign language)

Thanks, fellows.

Fabulous!

See you at the film festival.

See you later, Judy.

That went great darling, and you were marvelous.

Hey, we've got some fabulous pictures.

The Mayor will never live this down.

Blimey, I bet labor gets in.

What's needling you?

- Nothing.

Looks as though you've find your vocation at last.

- What?

- Organizing pin-ups instead of just drooling over them.

- Well, it's progress, isn't it?

- Progress?

By promoting the Gormleigh Film Festival

with those idiotic films?

- They're all art films, especially hers.

- Art, with a capital T you mean.

- You don't seem very happy in Gormleigh these days.

- I've liked it here,

but I think I'll be leaving after the film festival.

- Yeah, well, I expect I should be moving on myself.

Things are opening up,

I might become Francoise publicity manager.

- At least one of us will be happy.

- Well, I've got to settle down some time,

you wouldn't want me to stack deck chairs all my life,

would you?

- No.

- On the other hand, I might become a big time publisher.

Promote your book, you can give me a kiss.

(instrumental music)

- Good evening, once upon a time,

Gormleigh was an average sort of seaside resort,

where the landladies locked up the jam

at five o'clock prompt and there was very little left

to do except carve your initials on the bus shelters.

But this week Gormleigh started his first film festival,

and in the best traditions of film festivals everywhere,

is managing to combine art with business.

- One more love.

That squimp of yours certainly livened this place up,

didn't she Jimmy?

- At film festival, it's axiomatic

that if you can get a film star to sit on a camel,

the rest of the world will pay you to let them do the same.

(Jim laughs)

- Get in there boy.

- The publicity men,

who are the chaps who run film festivals,

think that an event is cultural if it's foreign,

and even more cultural if it's wearing a bathing costume.

(trumpet music)

Someone's been feeding them meat, probably Mr. Jim Stevens,

the publicity man.

The case of champagne and a few girls and he's managed

to release the pleasure-loving spirit

which must have been seething for years

beneath the Gormleighian blanket.

The Mayors of Bridgemouth and Westbourne

are here in the capacity of observers.

- We've been invited to be made to feel uncomfortable.

- I agree, no self-respecting holiday maker could relax

in this un-English atmosphere.

- But you've got to admit it really was

rather crafty Gormleigh to think of such a thing,

aren't you just a teeny weeny bit envious?

- It's just a dirty trick

to take our holiday makers away by--

- By unfair means.

- Yes, precisely.

- Our business in Westbourne has been ruined.

- But you could start your own can-can show.

You could even build your own casino.

- We won't ask our ratepayers

to subsidize anything so un-English.

We'd rather tighten our belts and stand by our traditions.

- Excuse me, (speaks in foreign language).

- Disgusting.

- So, as far as you're concerned,

no subsidies for the arts then?

- Not for anything so un-English.

We shan't take this lying down, oh no.

- We'll show them what we think of them.

- Who knows where it'll all end?

Apache dancing in the Floral Hall,

Absinthe in the ice cream parlors.

(classic music)

Tomorrow, Miss Francoise Fayol is to officiate

at the opening of a Nudist Beach,

a novel enterprise which all well-wishers

are hoping won't frighten the horses.

She's also the hot favorite, at least with the Mayor,

the Golden Cockle, which is the Award for the best actress.

Tonight is the last night of the festival

and Miss Fayol is indisputably the star.

Miss Francoise Fayol.

- Mr. Robert Robinson.

- It takes real courage to set foot

in English seaside resort

at the height of the holiday season.

What profit do you think you've had

from this intrepid expedition?

- I've got to know the English people

and so I hope, deepened my understanding of life.

- Oh, bravo.

Well, I dare say you found the publicity rather tedious.

- But I'm an actress.

- News of the World, very important newspaper.

- What a troupor you are, but this insight

into the English character that Gormleigh's given you,

what are you gonna do with it?

- I would like to use it in my work.

- Season of the classics possibly?

- Why not?

Shakespeare J'adore.

- This is good news.

- Excuse me darling, darling, the reception.

If you want any more details, Jim Stevens,

publicity officer.

Excuse me, make way for Mademoiselle Fayol.

- Jim, please, let me through.

- Make way for Mademoiselle Fayol.

Make way for Mademoiselle Fayol.

- Jim.

- Judy.

- Jim, Jim.

- Mademoiselle Fayol will sign autographs afterwards.

Yes, afterwards.

- Jim, I'm here.

- Excuse me, excuse me.

After the show everybody, after the show.

Excuse me.

- As I said earlier, at film festivals,

they sometimes actually show films.

- Here we are, the best seats in the house.

- Thank you, you're very gallante.

- Well, if I had my way, we'd be on the back row.

- Really?

Why, are you long-sighted?

- Quite a little coquette, aren't you?

Certificate X, oh, I do like an adult film.

"Rue de Boulogne."

(French music)

- I can't bear watch it.

I feel so strange when I see myself on the screen.

- Do you?

Would you like to go outside for a little refreshment?

- Yes, forgive me but I'm so nervous.

- There's nothing to be nervous about.

I'm going to do my very best

to see that you receive that Golden Cockle.

- Ready?

(gramophone music)

- Any minute now.

- Get all this filthy rubbish off of here.

You don't want to watch this stuff.

(audience shouting)

- A cup of cheer?

- I hope they like my film.

I hate to make these kind of pictures.

- I'm sure it's most artistic.

- Artistic?

Do you know what I have to do in this film?

- No.

- Some stupid man comes to kill me.

- Oh, dear!

- I'm not afraid, I put my arms about him.

- You do?

- Yes, and what he does?

- What?

- He pushes me away.

- I fall on the bed and he--

- Yes?

- Scares me with a big, how do you say--

- Chopper?

- Knife.

I put on the gramophone and I start to take off the clothes.

- All of them?

- Well, pullover and the skirt and, how do I call this?

- Brasserie?

- Oh.

- Then what do you do?

- But it's all so stupid.

- Yes, well what?

- Because I'm a serious artist.

- What did he do?

(champagne pops)

- Oh, careful.

- It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.

Mademoiselle Francoise.

- Mr. Mayor.

- Call me Arnold.

- Arnold.

What is this?

- The Golden Cockle, take it, it's yours.

- Arnold, you're so sweet.

Let me give you a kiss.

(crowd shouting)

- I like a festival with a bit of life in it

and I don't think on that score that the sourest critic

could complain about Gormleigh.

These boys really worry about cinema, good night.

(crowd shouts and screams)

- And as for Mademoiselle Francoise Fayol,

the actress who starred in this atrocious film,

nature may have endowed her amply enough to start a riot,

but anyone who expected more of her

than a skillful strip-tease is going

to be very disappointed.

(door knocks)

- Who is it?

- Hello, it's me.

- Come in, Jim.

- Sleeping late I see.

Sorry about the notice.

- When I'm unhappy, I can't get out of bed.

I just want to bury myself.

- It's only Judy, she's jealous.

- Jealous?

- You and me.

- Oh, you don't want me?

Nobody wants me. - Oh, no, there, there.

Come on, don't cry.

- I am so miserable, so lonely.

- Well, I'm here.

- Pass me a roll please.

So awful, like a circus.

And I'm like a funny animal they are all looking at.

- Butter?

- Yes, please.

And I'm all alone in this strange place,

no one to look after me.

- But I'm here.

Thank you.

- Will you look after me?

- Of course, I will.

- You're so kind.

You're taking advantage.

- Oh no, no, no, no, no, I'm not.

(telephone rings)

- Pass me a coffee, please.

(speaks in foreign language)

Yes.

(speaking in foreign language)

- Aren't you lonely anymore?

What are you doing?

- Packing, darling.

- Who was that on the phone?

- Vladek, I'm so happy.

You wants me at 12:15 at the station, I must hurry.

- I see.

- He missed me, he does love me.

- Yeah, I'm sure.

- He has another film for me.

- Crazy.

Hey, hey, you can't leave, you got to open the Nudist Beach.

- Oh, I must go to Vladek, darling.

- But the Mayor and all the councilors are arriving.

Anyway, you left that Vladek

because he made you take all your clothes off.

- So?

And you?

At least it's not usually raining

when I take them off for him.

- I don't know what they're gonna say

if they see you leaving.

- You better smuggle me out, disguised.

- Yeah, disguised.

I've smuggled them in before, never smuggled them out.

(dramatic music)

No, no.

That's it.

Oh, no, no.

- No, what?

You still fancy me?

- I've you got your wig on.

Got your wig off.

- Sometimes it's easier for me to be myself

rather than Francoise Fayol.

- Now, you just can't go like this.

- Why not darling?

- But who's gonna open the Nudist Beach?

I mean, the Mayor will be there, I've written him a speech.

There will be a band, it's my big day.

- Well, then you open it cherie.

(speaks in foreign language)

- Miss Fayol, I just wanted to apologize--

- Too late, she's scarpered.

(Judy laughs)

- You look marvelous, you should have been born blonde.

- Ha-ha, it's not funny.

- No, tragic.

- Yeah, it's tragic, all right.

She's gone but you're pleased, aren't you?

You were jealous.

- Jealous, me?

- Yes, you.

- I meant what I wrote, it with a lousy film.

- She was a sensitive artist.

- Sensitive artist?

Just because she had that oo-la-la accent.

- Yeah, well, that's not all she had.

- All that obvious sex appeal,

we could all do that if you wanted to.

- Oh, can we now?

Well, what about a bit of obvious sex appeal

from little you?

- Don't be so crude.

- Yeah, you're dead right, Judy.

You stick to your books and your intellectual chat,

I wouldn't wanna see you make a fool of yourself.

- You're the big expert on sex appeal now, are you?

You had her eating out of your hand, you understood her.

That must have been difficult,

like figuring out the two times table.

Anyway, there's nothing wrong with my figure.

- Who knows?

Nobody's ever seen it.

(doors knocks)

- Is she ready?

It's nearly time for the strip and the unveiling ceremony.

I hope the visibility's good.

(piano music)

Where is she?

- She's off.

All that femininity, and the vivaciousness has escaped us.

- What about the opening of the Nudist Beach?

Guaranteed to give absolute detail up to 100 yards.

- Well, you'll just have to go back to girly mags

for your nature studies.

- Now, now, now, you look,

the Mayor is on his way to escort her.

- Yeah, there's another one gonna be very,

very disappointed.

I bet he's got a telescope.

- What's the matter with him?

Doesn't he realize the Mayor's gonna go mad?

We won't only lose our jobs, we'll be lynched.

There are thousands there waiting to ogle.

- Don't blame me, mate.

Blame our university graduate with her critical integrity.

- Well, what are we gonna do?

- I've got good idea, look, if you leave now,

you'll just catch her.

She's getting the 12:15 train.

- Oh, come on, Jim.

- Look, you're the ones with all the brains.

Why don't you try using them?

I am off.

- Jim, Jim boy, Jim, Jim.

We've all had a good laugh.

12:15 train, what time is it now?

- 12 o'clock.

- 15 minutes.

You're gonna do something?

- Yeah, you pray I'll sing a hymn.

At least we'll go with dignity.

- That leaves me, doesn't it?

- You'll never catch it, you know?

- Yes, I will.

I've got an infallible method.

- Really, what?

- Run like mad man.

Oops, it's the Mayor, the Mayor.

What are we gonna do?

- Go this way, go, go, no, that way!

Hurry up.

- These and the old Liggett charm, I'll bring her back

if I can run fast enough.

- Just a minute.

- Mademoiselle, may I come in?

(speaks in foreign language)

- I am not ready.

- There's no need to hurry.

We must have you looking your best today.

(speaks in foreign language)

- I must prepare myself for the great moment.

- Perhaps I could be of some assistance.

- No, no (speaks in foreign language).

Turn your back and count to 10.

Promise no peeping?

- Promise, one, two, three, four, five, six,

seven, eight, nine, 10, finished.

- Cherie, could you please get me my baggage?

- Certainly.

(Judy screams)

(birds chirping)

Are you ready, Francoise?

♪ Pretty little turtle dove ♪

♪ Sitting on a vine ♪

♪ Longing for her ♪ own true love ♪

♪ As I do for mine, for mine ♪

♪ As I do for mine ♪

(soothing music)

- I am ready.

- Shall we go?

I bet you can't wait for the soft breezes to carress you.

- It's nice day for the concert.

- Lovely.

Where you been?

You're all wet.

- I thought I'd have a stroll up to the station.

- Want a bit of cake?

Did you bring her back?

- I would have done, don't you worry,

if they hadn't slammed the gates in my face.

What are we gonna do now?

- Well, we can always go to Clacton.

- They'll have heard of us, don't you worry.

- Wish they'd stop that music.

(instrumental music)

(audience clapping)

- And now, ladies and gentlemen, members of the press,

Mademoiselle Francoise Fayol will personally inaugrate

the Nudist Beach.

Which will be open from this day forward all summer long,

for the benefit of those who wish to answer nature's call.

This is the first beach of its kind, if I may say so,

in any English seaside resort.

And now, back to nature with Mademoiselle Francoise Fayol.

- Henry.

- What?

Do us a favor, whip out and see what's going on.

Go and be me.

Don't get wet.

What do you want?

- Binoculars.

- What you gonna look at?

- F.F.

- Judy!

(Judy sobs)

Judy, what are you doing?

Come out of there.

- I can't, I haven't got any clothes on.

- What you want to take your clothes off in front

of all these people for?

I've got a good mind about you.

Put this on.

- Francoise was gone, all those people were waiting.

I didn't want you to get in trouble.

- Oh, you little nit, I don't care about them.

- You don't care about anyone.

- I think you know better than that, don't you?

- Yeah, I guess so.

- You'll catch a death of cold.

Get out of it you morons.

- You all right then?

- We've been for a swim.

- [Mayor] You'll never work again, any of you.

- What a lovely day.

(instrumental music)

(cool music)