Original subtitles

[tires screeching and honking]

[typewriter keys]

-Mr. Williamson.

-Where is he?

-He's not in.

-He's there, isn't he?

-No.

-I don't believe you, ma'am.

-You can't go in there.

Mr. Williamson!

It's incredible, isn't it?

-It is.

Williamson City, that's very impressive.

-Does it make you feel proud?

-Hmph.

[yelling]

-Mr. Williamson!

Mr. Williamson.

-I said, where is he?

-At the construction site.

-[grunt]

-Where's Markham?

-He's upstairs.

-Markham up there?

-Who?

BO WILLIAMSON [OFFSCREEN]: Markham.

Markham.

-He's not up here.

I think he's over on the bridge.

Hey, Mr. Markham?

Mr. Markham?

-I saw him five minutes ago, when he came in.

What are you yelling about?

Why do people have to scream?

Thank you.

Thank you.

-Boy, that guy's sure in a hurry.

-Yes, he is.

-You wanted to talk about the dedication later, Mr. Markham?

-No, Carl.

I want to talk about it right now.

What time is it scheduled to start?

CARL [OFFSCREEN]: 9 o'clock in the morning, sir.

-And you've got the seats facing east?

-East?

Oh, is that east?

Oh yeah.

That's east.

-Now, we don't want the people looking into

the sun, do we, Carl?

-No, sir.

I'll rearrange the seats, Mr. Markham.

-Thank you, Carl.

Bo, what a pleasant surprise.

Didn't know you were here.

BO WILLIAMSON [OFFSCREEN]: What?

ELLIOT MARKHAM [OFFSCREEN]: When did you get back?

-Just in time, it looks like.

-What's the matter?

-Williamson City, that's what's the matter.

-Oh, you spoke to your wife?

-No, I didn't speak to my wife.

I just got back from eight weeks in Europe.

And I find she's off at some phony health farm.

-Well, maybe I better explain--

-You don't have to explain anything.

You know what else I found?

A bunch of letters between you and her, and about a mile high

stack of blueprints.

-Bo, it's the most revolutionary

concept I ever had.

Bo, you know, Jennifer and I assumed you'd be delighted.

-Delighted?

Let me tell you, nobody throws a lasso around my money

without my consent.

And that includes my wife.

And you had better believe it.

-Well, you were in Europe.

There's no way to get in touch with you.

-You could have waited.

-We were positive you'd agree.

-Agree?

Heh, forget it, boy.

The joyride is over.

-Well, but the machinery has already been set in motion.

-Well, then you unset it.

And I'll tell you something else.

Don't ever speak to my wife or me again.

She's too young to recognize a con man when she sees one.

-Can I suggest you consider what you're saying?

You're not talking to one of your underlings now.

-Oh, listen, I know exactly who I'm talking to.

-Bo, Bo, listen, listen.

This project can give you immortality.

As long as that city stands, your-- your name will be

remembered.

-Name?

I'm going to tell you something, Jackson boy.

My wallet is a lot more important to me than my name.

-You really are a philistine, aren't you?

-What?

-All you care about is money.

You wouldn't recognize art if you fell over it.

We have a chance to do something extraordinary here,

and you're trying to ruin it.

-That's right, right, right!

And if you're on some kind of an ego trip, you find somebody

else to pay for it.

-Bo, I have a thought.

Would you commission me to design your burial vault?

-Hmm.

That would be about your speed, yeah.

You really would like to see me dead, wouldn't you?

Well, I'll tell you something.

It wouldn't count for much.

-Well, maybe your wife will have other ideas.

-No, no.

It don't mean a thing.

Because, you see, when I die, all of my

money goes into trust.

Oh, Jennifer will get her share every year.

You can count on that.

But there won't be any cash to build cities with.

Oh, and if you're thinking of any uglies, forget it.

[music playing]

-Mr. Markham, Bo Williamson was--

-Get his wife on the phone right away.

She's in Palm Springs at some health farm.

-Golden Dunes Retreat?

-That's the one.

Get her.

-She is there, isn't she?

I see.

Well, when will she be available?

All right, thank you.

-Williamson do that?

-Yes, sir.

He just barged right in.

And when he saw it--

-All right.

Never mind.

Did you reach Jennifer?

-They wouldn't put the call through to her.

The guests aren't allowed to have telephones.

-Call her back.

It's important.

-I'm sorry.

But they said the guests can't make or receive calls during

their stay.

-I see.

Then she's virtually incommunicado.

-No telegrams, no outside visitors.

Just wheat germ and push ups.

-When does she get reprieved?

-Oh, she'll be back in time for the dedication ceremonies.

-Thanks, Ms. Sherman.

I think I love you.

-I needed that.

-Whoa-ho-ho, beautiful, beautiful.

[SHOUTING] Hey, Freddy!

That is absolutely beautiful.

Bring that beauty back here.

What have you been doing to him, anyway?

-He's improved a lot since you've been gone, Mr.

Williamson.

-Oh, I can see that.

I can see that.

-Thank you, sir.

-Listen, you keep working him like that, I'll be back in a

few days, check him out.

-I'll take them back to the barn, and cool him off.

-You better.

You better.

Hey, hey!

Ha!

Gee.

[laughs]

Hey yeah, man.

Beautiful!

Don't believe it.

Hey, cool him out easy!

Ah.

[sigh]

[grunting]

[radio playing country music]

ELLIOT MARKHAM [OFFSCREEN]: Hello, Bo.

Surprised?

-What are you doing in my car?

-Waiting for you.

-Get yourself killed that way.

-Or the reverse.

Get out.

Over there.

[classical music playing]

[doorbell]

[classical music playing]

[applause]

-That's, yeah.

Thank you.

Sit down, please.

Thank you very much.

Well, as usual I feel like an expectant father.

But contrary to the norm, each one seems to get more

difficult for me.

I'm just grateful I have so many wonderful friends.

You know, I'd like to also take this opportunity--

-Hey, where are you going?

-Over there.

-No one's allowed in there.

-What do you mean no one's allowed?

I see 30 people down there.

-No one's allowed in there without an invitation.

Do you have an invitation?

-No, I don't have an invitation.

-That's what I'm trying to tell you.

You have no invitation.

So, out.

-Actually, I'm a lieutenant in the police.

My name is Columbo.

-Oh, Lieutenant?

-Yeah.

-Hmm.

-You know, when I came here, I'm just coming here to look

for somebody.

-Who are you looking for, Lieutenant?

-A Mrs. Williamson.

-Well, I'll tell you, Lieutenant, a

lot of people here.

Why don't you wander around?

Maybe you'll bump into her.

-I see.

Thank you very much.

-OK.

-Bye.

MALE SPEAKER [OFFSCREEN]: Could you get me some

cocktails in this building?

MALE SPEAKER [OFFSCREEN]: Yes.

ELLIOT MARKHAM [OFFSCREEN]: You've heard this before.

But you understand, it's a fantastic building, really.

Yes, she is to be 32 stories high.

It's revolutionary in concept, really, because it won't be

offices so much as living modules, almost cocoons where

a man can coordinate his, uh, his activities outside the

context of mere business.

In fact, if he chooses, it can become virtually a second

home, a kind of a, a remarkable place of mobility

and freedom.

I don't know how the wives will feel

about that, of course.

But in any case, these units will be for sale, for all

those who qualify.

You were asking about the price earlier.

We've been, well, we haven't quite figured it out.

We've been dickering around somewhere

between $30,000 and $35,000--

-Excuse me.

---$36,000--

-Excuse me.

---per unit, of course.

Something you want?

-Well, I didn't mean to, uh, interrupt like

this and barge in.

But I'm looking for a Mrs. Williamson.

-I'm Mrs. Williamson.

-Mrs. Bo Williamson?

-That's right.

-And who might you be?

-Uh, Lt.

Columbo.

You called the police.

-I did?

-Well, that's what they told me.

-Lieutenant, I may not be the brightest lady in the world.

But I do know whether I made a phone call or not.

-Obviously some kind of mix up.

-Well, I'd like to get this thing straightened out.

Uh, can anybody tell me where Mr. Williamson is?

-I don't know.

-You mean he's missing?

-Well, to be absent is not necessarily to be missing,

Lieutenant.

I assume you understand the distinction.

-It's just that he's out of town on business.

And really, Lieutenant, I didn't call the police.

-Well, this is very, very weird.

Because they told me that they got a call from a Mrs.

Williamson.

And she said that her husband was missing, and he

might even be dead.

JENNIFER WILLIAMSON [OFFSCREEN]: Oh, that's

ridiculous.

Wait a minute.

Goldie.

-Who's Goldie?

-My husband's first wife.

She must have called you.

-Well, why would she do that?

-I guess because Bo's been out of the

country for eight weeks.

And he came back, on business, for a day, and I

suppose left again.

And she gets a little tense when the alimony checks are

late.

-But that's, that's hardly a reason to call the police.

-Well, Goldie's a little possessive.

Is that the word?

They've been divorced a long time.

But, uh, she still can't give up the ghost.

-Mr. Williamson is a globe trotter.

Sometimes he takes off at a moment's notice, doesn't even

tell Jennifer.

-No kidding, just--

-Yeah, yeah.

Well, I'm sure he'll show up in a few weeks.

If you'll, you'll excuse us, if you've covered everything.

-Uh, say, did you build this?

-No, no.

One of my staff did that.

-Oh.

-Yeah.

Come on.

You want some?

-Yes.

-Excuse me, please.

-Excuse me.

Excuse me, just--

-A little on the slow side here.

-Forgive me a moment.

I just wanted to stop by and tell you

that's a terrific building.

I mean it.

I know a lot of people like the old fashioned stuff.

But I figure you've got to keep an open mind.

-You have a new fan.

-Yes.

-Oh, absolutely.

It's just marvelous.

Uh, tell me, how did you two meet?

-Oh, Mr. Markham designed a summer house for us.

It's incredible.

Really, it's a work of genius.

-Jennifer tends to get carried away, Lieutenant.

-But you are a genius.

And when everyone sees your plans for Williamson City,

you'll be buried in commissions.

-What is Williamson City?

-Now, I'm superstitious, darling.

Let's not talk about our project 'til it's hatched.

You'll have to excuse us, Lieutenant.

One of the obligations of the trade, have to mingle.

-Oh, sure.

Listen, uh, sorry to bother you.

ELLIOT MARKHAM [OFFSCREEN]: No bother at all.

-Oh, and don't worry about my husband, Lieutenant.

Believe me, he's very much alive.

-He's dead, I tell you.

I can feel it in my spine.

A little lower, honey.

Ouch, that's it.

I know more about Bo Williamson then that little

lady will learn in a lifetime.

-Yeah, but you--

-Lover, take my word for it.

He has shuffled off this vale of tears.

-Well, how do you know that?

-Because he always calls me before he leaves town.

And this time he didn't.

-Yeah, but if he didn't call you, how do you

know he left town?

-I spoke with the child bride.

-You mean Mrs. Williamson?

-The current Mrs. Williamson.

I call her the next ex.

Oh, don't get me wrong, lover.

She's half my age and twice as pretty.

But I like her.

[laughing]

Bo reached the point where he thought he

needed a younger woman.

And she's better than most.

-I've got to say this for you.

You've got a pretty healthy attitude.

-I can afford it.

He pays, you know.

I tell you, lover, if gold lame was legal tender, I'd

rule the world.

That's enough for today, Miko.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Say goodbye to the Lieutenant.

-[speaking japanese].

Sayonara.

-Sayonara.

Si.

She's a lovely girl.

-She is a lovely girl.

-Very polite.

I don't know what she said, but it sounded like she liked

me.

-[laughs]

Uh.

Oh, Lieutenant, would you like to turn around?

I don't want to corrupt you.

OK, you can turn around now.

-Oh, fine.

Uh, the point is this, Mrs. Williamson.

-My friends call me Goldie.

And since I'm standing here practically naked with you,

you better be my friend.

-Would you mind repeating that last sentence?

I don't think I quite understood.

-[laughs]

I said, since I'm standing here practically naked with

you, you better be my friend.

And my friends call me Goldie.

-Oh, I see.

Well, Goldie, uh, let me ask you this.

Don't you think it's possible that your ex-husband could

have slipped up and left town without calling you?

-No way.

He never forgets.

-Uh, does Mrs. Williamson know this?

-Why ruin a lovely relationship?

-You mean to tell me that your ex-husband is closer to you

than he is to his current wife?

-Lieutenant, we were married for 22 years.

We never had any children.

So we spent a lot of time getting to know one another.

Jennifer gives him youth.

For the rest he comes to me.

Now even if he leaves town for just a few days, he always

lets me know, every time.

[phone ringing]

-Yeah?

It's for you.

-Oh, thank you very much.

Hello?

Yes.

Oh, all right, I'll be right down.

Thank you.

They found Bo Williamson's car.

-You see?

What did I tell you?

-At the airport.

-Now, I'm going to go down and check it out.

But it really looks like he left town.

[country music playing in car]

[country music playing in car]

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING IN CAR]

-Honey, I've got gold plated instincts.

And I trust them.

I am worried sick.

-But his clothes are gone, his passport, his suitcase.

And his car is at the airport.

What more proof do you need?

-Excuse me?

Uh, did I hear you say that he took his passport?

-Well, it isn't here.

And he spends a lot of time in Europe.

-Oh, yes, that's right.

Globe trotter, that's what Mr. Markham called him.

Say, I noticed that he likes Country and Western music.

-Does a bear like honey?

-I've tried to broaden his tastes a little.

But it's impossible.

That noise is all he listens to.

-Now, tell me something.

Uh, do you ever drive his car?

-Me?

No.

I have my own.

-What's all this guff about cars and music and passports?

I feel like the original voice in the wilderness.

Don't you two understand?

Bo's gone.

And nobody gives a hoot.

-Who's Dr. Moss?

-[sigh]

-What?

-I see in your husband's appointment book, Dr. Moss,

10:45, the 11th of the month.

That's tomorrow.

-You see.

He'd never leave town if he had an appointment with his

heart specialist.

-Oh, he had a bad ticker, did he?

-He has a pacemaker.

And his heart works perfectly.

The fact that he's missing the appointment proves it's

unimportant.

-Hey, look at this.

Blueprints.

What's he doing?

Building a bigger house?

-Those are the preliminary plans for Williamson City.

-Williamson City?

-Williamson City, I remember that.

Why, you mentioned that down at the construction site.

What is that exactly?

-It's an entire community--

churches, schools, everything planned from fireplugs to

skyscrapers.

-And Mr. Markham, did he design that?

-That's right.

-I can't imagine Bo springing hard cash for

something like that.

-Well, there may be some things about

him you don't know.

It's possible he's a bit more complicated

than you think, Goldie.

The day he came back, he saw those plans.

And Elliot said he loved them.

-Oh, then Mr. Markham, saw your husband

before he left town?

-Mm-hmm.

They had a meeting the day he came back.

And Elliot told me all about it.

[music playing]

-Are you a policeman?

-Uh, yes, ma'am, uh.

My name is Lt.

Columbo, uh.

Excuse me for just one moment.

I was out at the construction site.

I don't know if you remember me or not.

-Well, is something wrong?

-Oh no, no, no.

No, nothing's wrong.

No, I wanted to speak to Mr. Markham.

Is he in there?

-I'm sorry, Lieutenant.

He isn't in.

-Oh.

Well, maybe I could speak to him at home?

-He only goes there to sleep.

If you want him, you'll find him at the university, giving

a lecture to his students.

-Oh, really?

Oh, you mean he teaches, too, huh?

-Mr. Markham feels he has a responsibility

to share his knowledge.

-Lord, I'll tell you something.

It's a wonder the man finds all the time, right?

-Pure energy, Lieutenant.

He's a dynamo.

A man like that throws off sparks and never slows down.

Most of us can't keep up with him.

But we love it, naturally.

I mean, everyone likes to feel that he's participating in

something important.

He's an unusual man.

Tonight's lecture, for instance, on Egyptian

architecture, pyramids and tombs, things like that.

He gave up his dinner hour to verify a date.

Not, not the year, mind you, the date.

He's--

Lieutenant?

Lieutenant?

Lieutenant.

-Is this where he works?

-Yes, it is.

-Just wonderful.

Marvelous office.

-Yes, it is.

-Spacious.

-Yes, it is.

-Conference room?

MS. SHERMAN [OFFSCREEN]: Yes, it is.

-Very handy, isn't it?

-Yes, it is.

-Wonderful, I mean everything-- the decor, the

paneling, the windows--

-I'm glad you like it, Lieutenant.

But really, Mr. Markham doesn't permit

anyone in his office--

-I see he likes music.

-Yes.

-Has it right here in the office, huh?

-Yes, he does.

Plays it while he's designing.

-Classical stuff?

-Uh huh.

-My favorite.

Just love it.

[classical music playing]

[classical music playing]

-Really, Lieutenant, it's getting late.

And I have to meet someone for dinner.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to hold you up like that.

Forgive me.

It's just when I start hearing this stuff, I could just

listen for hours.

I'm sorry.

-Yes.

Well, if there's nothing else?

-No, I don't think there's anything else.

Thank you very much.

Good night.

-Good night.

-What happened here?

-An accident.

-Oh.

Tsk tsk tsk.

Isn't that something?

Williamson City.

-If you ask me, he doesn't deserve it.

-Who is that?

-Bo Williamson.

I know I shouldn't be talking about this.

But it's a shame Mr. Markham has to work

for a man like that.

-You mean Mr. Williamson did this?

-Yes, he just barged right in here the other day, and

smashed it all to smithereens.

-I guess he didn't like it, huh?

-People like that don't know what they like.

All they care about is what it costs.

-Too expensive, huh?

-Mr. Markham has a saying--

you can't put a price tag on genius.

-Now these are built over the course of a generation by an

endless supply of slave labor.

Oddly enough, the pharaohs of the time, much like ourselves,

are greatly concerned with the crime rate.

The tombs were particularly vulnerable.

Because the Egyptians buried vast caches of treasure along

with their dead royalty.

So aside from being visually impressive with their bulk and

simplicity, the tombs are also a marvel of, of engineering

skills, built to withstand the onslaught of thieves.

By the way, it's said that some of the engineers who

built the pyramids were sealed up in their own creations to

protect the integrity of the tomb.

Fortunately, today's architects are spared that

particular indignity.

[soft laughter]

-Lights, please.

Next week we'll move rapidly into the Baroque Period, and

that'll lead more rapidly into our first exam.

Now, those of you with failing grades will

be permanently entombed.

[laughter]

-At least as far as this class is concerned.

Thank you.

[soft chatter]

[soft chatter]

-I didn't know you had an interest in scholarly

pursuits, Lieutenant.

-Well, actually, I, I just came by to

ask you a few questions.

Say, that stuff about burying those Egyptians, is that true?

-According to some experts.

-Gee, I find that interesting.

I mean, particularly for a fellow in my line of work.

-Why?

-Well, you know, the idea of burying a body in a place

where you can't find it, if I ever murdered anybody, uh,

that's what I would do.

-Well, not many people have access to the pyramids,

Lieutenant.

-Oh, you wouldn't put them in the pyramids today.

No, today you'd have to find another place, like, uh, gee,

I don't know, um.

You'd have to, uh--

-Like the, uh, foundation of a building?

-You know, now that you mention it, that would be a

terrific place.

I mean, you put a body under a building, you wouldn't find it

for 100 years.

-I'll keep that in mind, Lieutenant,

in case I kill somebody.

Now, uh, if you'll get to your questions, I

haven't had any dinner.

-Gee, you know, neither have I. Uh, I can offer you some

raisins if--

-No, no thank you.

-I'll tell you why I came by, uh.

I

-Would you get that board for me?

-Oh, certainly.

Uh.

Yeah.

I came by because I'm still looking into the disappearance

of this, uh, Bo Williamson fellow.

-Disappearance?

So Goldie's got you convinced, now, hmm?

-No, no.

Not necessarily.

Oh, by the way, I stopped by your office, because I wanted

to talk to you.

I couldn't help noticing that smashed up model

of Williamson City.

-What about it?

-Nothing, I was just wondering how it got broken.

-Why, why do I have the feeling that you already know

the answer to that question?

-Well, your secretary did say something about Mr. Williamson

coming in there.

And she said he was kind of mad.

And he kind of threw things around.

-There's a perfectly simple explanation, Lieutenant.

Bo was angry, and for good reason.

We went ahead on the project without his permission.

It was very undiplomatic of us.

-I see.

Us?

Oh, you mean you and his wife?

-Yes, well, Jennifer is an, an admirer of my work.

-Oh yeah.

Yeah, she told me that.

Uh.

Uh.

Gee, I got a problem.

-No, I will.

I'll get it.

I'll get it.

-Thank you.

-In any event, Bo came back from his trip.

And he, uh, saw the plans.

It took him by surprise.

Uh, Bo is a volatile Texan.

And when he gets angry, uh, well, it shows.

Fortunately, when I explained the project

to him, he was delighted.

-I see.

Happy ending, huh?

-Yeah.

-But, uh, won't his disappearance interfere with

your plans to move ahead?

-Are we really back to that?

Lieutenant, all the evidence indicates that he simply left

the country.

-Well, we did find his car at the airport.

-There you are.

That should prove it.

-It should, yeah.

But you know, we checked out every flight list.

And there wasn't one Williamson on it.

-Lieutenant, Bo is a--

he's a high powered tycoon.

He's got, uh, exotic business interests all over the world.

Now, how is it just possible, for reasons not known to us,

that he might, occasionally, fly under a different name.

-Yes.

That is possible.

-Then I wouldn't worry about it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, a very hungry architect would

like to get himself some dinner.

-Yeah.

You know, it's a funny thing about that car.

Car's got a tape machine in it.

And the glove compartment is full of cassettes.

Every one of them is Country and Western music.

That's all.

And his wife tells me this man doesn't

listen to anything else.

-Nothing unusual about that.

-No, except the radio dial was set at 52, classical station.

Turned it on, classical music.

-I see.

-You want a half a candy bar?

-No.

-Anyway, it seems that whoever was driving that car must have

been listening to classical music.

It's confusing.

-I'm sure you'll find an answer, Lieutenant.

-I'm certainly going to try.

Anyway, thanks for your time.

Oh, uh, as for your designs, Mr. Williamson did give you

his approval, didn't he?

-I already told you, Lieutenant.

As soon as he got over his anger he

gave me his full support.

-Right.

Thanks very much.

You know, that's some coincidence.

-What is?

-That music thing, you're a great classical music fan

yourself, aren't you?

I saw your record collection down in the office.

-Guilty, Lieutenant.

I like classical music, along with a few hundred thousand

other people in this city.

-Me too.

I like it myself.

Enjoy your meal.

[music playing]

-Yeah, yeah.

I know him.

He's that Texas guy.

What's his name?

Uh--

-His name is Williamson.

He's a very close friend of Mr. Markham's.

-Friend, huh?

-Well, weren't they friends?

-Not the last time I've seen that guy.

Last time I saw that guy he looked like he was ready to

drop a two by four on Mr. Markham's neck.

-No kidding.

Hey, when was that?

-Hey, look, Lieutenant, I've got a building

to put up, all right?

I'll see you around.

-Yeah, OK.

I mean, I don't want to interfere with your work.

But, look, there's one other thing.

-Hey, look, talk to Mr. Markham, will you?

I'm just in charge of the nuts and bolts around here.

-Well, then you know about those columns.

-Not columns, piles.

-Oh, piles.

Oh, that's what they're called, huh?

-Yeah, that's what they're called.

-Well, tell me about them.

-Well, I'll tell you.

First we sink a hollow steel cylinder in the ground.

Then we fill it with cement.

And when it hardens, we've got a pile.

-That's what a pile is, huh?

-That's right.

Well, that's interesting.

Uh, what do you do?

You keep a record when you put them in the ground?

-Have to.

And which one's first.

-You mean you could tell me exactly what day each one of

these piles was sunk?

-The day, the time, how long it took, and how many men I

had on the job.

-Lieutenant, still obsessed with pyramids?

-Well, it must have been that lecture, Mr. Markham.

I never really noticed buildings before.

But I'm interested in them now.

-Carl, you've got to check on those HVAC estimates for me.

-Yes, sir.

I'll see you around, Lieutenant.

-Right.

-Hey, tell me the truth, Lieutenant.

Are you interested in buildings or buildings?

-What do you mean?

-Well, let's, let's look at your itinerary.

You showed up at my office, my lecture, now at my

construction site.

-Well, actually I just happened to have some spare

time, uh,

-Perhaps you should spent your time a little more

productively.

You're supposed to be tracking down Bo

Williamson, aren't you?

Now surely you don't think he's here, do you?

-Well, no.

I don't see how he could be.

-Well, if you'll forgive me, I"ll go back to my work.

-Certainly.

-I, uh, I assume I can look forward to another visit in

the near future?

-Well, if anything interesting turns up, I'll surely get in

touch with you.

-I'm sure you will.

-Say, do you have the time?

I think my watch is out of order.

-It's, uh, 10:30.

-I don't want to be late.

I've got an appointment at the doctor.

Doctor, really, I never intended to have an examina--

-Shh!

Just a moment.

Blood pressure is a bit low.

-Well, that's normal for me.

Look, doctor, really--

-I know.

You came here to ask me questions.

But a check up never hurts.

Now, do you get enough exercise?

-Well, I, uh, I walk a bit.

Doctor, listen, I just had a police visit.

-Can't have too many, Lieutenant.

The human machine is a delicate instrument.

There we go.

Now, you were saying?

-Yeah, this is what I want to know.

Look, it's 11:20.

Mr. Williamson hasn't shown up for his appointment.

-Mm-hmm.

-Now is this just another routine check up?

-When you have a heart condition that needs a

pacemaker, no visit is routine.

Now you can roll down your sleeve.

-Oh, yeah.

No, what I mean is this-- was this particular appointment

any more or any less important than the others?

-Well, let me put it this way--

if Bo Williamson doesn't get to me, or any other

specialist, he's running a grave risk with his health.

-Well, why is that?

-This is a pacemaker.

-You mean it's that big?

-It runs on miniature energy cells.

-Oh, that's sort of like an electric watch.

-Exactly.

It regulates a heart that can't keep a

steady beat of its own.

Now every year or so, these energy cells have to be

replaced, or the pacemaker becomes erratic, causing the

heart to malfunction.

-In other words, you could die.

-Put simply, yes.

-Is this a big operation?

-No.

But it is a surgical procedure.

-Could another doctor besides yourself perform it?

-Naturally.

But knowing Bo Williamson, I seriously doubt if he'd put

himself in the hands of another stranger, no matter

how competent.

-Hmm.

I see.

All right, Doc.

Listen, I want to thank you very much for the time, and

for the check up.

-Well, it wasn't much of a check up.

But you're welcome.

Now, if you locate Mr. Williamson, tell him to

contact me immediately.

-All right.

I will.

I'll do that.

-Are you looking for something?

-Uh, do you have a lighter?

-You won't find one here, Lieutenant.

And let me give you some free medical advice--

stop smoking those things.

-Well, I, I've been trying.

-Trying isn't good enough.

Remember, I deal in pacemakers.

-All right.

Mmm.

GOLDIE WILLIAMSON [OFFSCREEN]: Well, lover, you satisfied?

-Goldie?

What are you doing here?

-Same thing you are, checking up on Bo.

He didn't show up, did he?

-No.

-Columbo, the man is dead.

Now he would never miss an appointment with a doctor.

He was always very nervous about his health.

-Now that may be.

But there's no proof.

There's nothing solid to go on, yet.

-Columbo, what does it take to convince you that I'm right?

His body?

-[deep breath]

Please slow down.

You're running me ragged.

-Well, that's the object of the game.

JENNIFER WILLIAMSON [OFFSCREEN]: Isn't there

anything you do badly?

-Yes, lose.

-I don't believe it.

Have you ever lost?

-Come on, now.

You're doing beautifully.

-It's just that I don't get my arm back in time.

-All right, ready or not, I'm serving.

-Oh!

That's embarrassing.

-Listen, your problem is you're getting your racket

back a little late.

Throw me a ball.

-Can't.

We hit them all out.

ELLIOT MARKHAM [OFFSCREEN]: Oh, I'll get it.

-No, let me.

I'm getting embarrassed to face you.

-[chuckle]

You know, in Cannes, they have trained dogs that retrieve

tennis balls.

I'll tell Bo somebody's got something on him.

JENNIFER WILLIAMSON [OFFSCREEN]: Elliot!

[music playing]

-What's the matter?

-[weeping]

-Jennifer, what's the matter?

-It's Bo's hat.

[music playing]

-A battered, blood stained hat by itself

means next to nothing.

-Well, it looks kind of strange,

though, don't you think?

-We don't even know if he was wearing a

hat, if he was killed.

-We don't.

But the question is, where did it come from?

-[sigh]

When will the police lab have a report?

-Pretty soon.

I told them to rush it.

JENNIFER WILLIAMSON [OFFSCREEN]: I got them.

-Good.

-What did you ask her to get?

His army dog tags?

-Yes.

-You want a drink, Lieutenant?

-No.

Thanks, anyhow.

What I could really use is a cigar.

-Beg your pardon?

-Here they are, Lieutenant.

I finally found them in the attic.

But why you want them, I don't know.

-You see, army dog tags usually have a

blood type on them.

Yeah, here it is, B positive.

Sure glad he saved these.

A lot of guys usually don't.

-I still think this is an exercise in futility.

We don't even know if it's his hat.

-Well, it has to be.

It wasn't new.

But he had a lot of them around.

And the brim was fixed just the way he always wore it.

-Besides, it was custom made.

So the label would be easy enough to check on.

[phone ringing]

-Yes?

Just a moment.

Lieutenant, it's for you.

-Oh.

Thank you.

Hello?

Uh huh, uh huh.

Yeah, that's what I figured.

Thank you.

Blood type B positive.

It's the same as your husband's.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

-Then something did happen to him.

He is dead.

-Now, Jennifer, you're jumping to conclusions.

Now don't be hysterical.

Lieutenant, tell her that blood on a hat doesn't

necessarily mean that Bo's dead.

-Well, that's true.

It doesn't.

But I say we have a whole new ballgame.

[classical music playing]

-Sorry, strict orders he doesn't want to be bothered.

-He's playing that music awfully loud.

Bad mood?

[classical music playing]

-He doesn't have bad moods.

Let's just say he's been happier.

-Ms. Sherman!

Ms. Sherman?

-Yes, sir?

-Get Mrs. Williamson, please.

-Yes, sir.

[classical music playing]

[buzzer]

-Yes?

MS. SHERMAN [OFFSCREEN]: Mrs. Williamson is on the line.

JENNIFER WILLIAMSON [OFFSCREEN]: Hello?

-Hello, Jennifer.

How are you?

Feeling any better?

JENNIFER WILLIAMSON [OFFSCREEN]: I'm

not sure how I feel.

I just keep thinking about that hat.

-Well, that's, that's what I called you about.

You know, I may, I may have an explanation for you.

JENNIFER WILLIAMSON [OFFSCREEN]: What?

-Well, I've got to check on a few things

before I tell you anything.

You think you can arrange to have Bo's will sent over?

JENNIFER WILLIAMSON [OFFSCREEN]: Bo's will?

What on earth for?

-Just trust me.

GOLDIE WILLIAMSON [OFFSCREEN]: Get out of there.

-Look, that won't help, Goldie.

I've already seen them.

-You said you wanted to talk.

And suddenly I find you poking around in my closet.

Now you've got no right.

-Two of Bo's old hats left over from the old days.

I've got a hunch there were three on that shelf.

-I don't know what you're talking about.

-Oh don't you?

Well, you planted that hat.

You manufactured the whole show just to back up your

story that Bo's dead.

-[laughs]

You're reaching, Mister.

-[chuckle]

-Now, what's that?

-It's Bo's will.

It's an interesting document.

Shows why you're so eager to prove he's dead.

-Mister, you're farther out than your buildings.

-Now according to this, the minute Bo Williamson's

officially dead you inherit 25% of his estate.

That's a lot of gold lame.

Much more you'll ever see in alimony.

-Now you listen to me.

You're after me for some reason.

And all I'm trying to do is to point what's plain as the nose

on your face.

That will doesn't prove a thing.

-Suppose we call Lt.

Columbo.

We'll leave it up to him.

-Oh, listen, I can save yourself the trouble.

-Ah, the omnipresent Constable.

-What are you doing here?

-Well, your maid let me in.

She told me you were up here with Mr. Markham.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

-How long were you standing there?

-Oh, not very long.

I guess I did hear the tail end of what you were saying.

-Well, then I guess you know what kind of fertilizer this

boy is spreading around.

-Well, you know, actually Mr. Markham, he's making pretty

good sense.

I mean, he'd almost a detective.

That stuff about the will, that's, uh, well, that's good

police work.

-Thank you, Lieutenant.

-I thought you were my friend.

-Goldie, I am your friend.

And because I'm your friend, I'd like to

give you some advice.

I think it would do you a lot of good if you told the truth.

-I am telling the truth.

-Are you?

You see, I just spoke to that nice Japanese girl that gives

you the massages.

-Miko?

-And we had a little trouble understanding each other.

But we finally made it.

And she told me that she noticed the bandaged cut on

the back of your leg this morning.

And it wasn't there yesterday.

-Pure coincidence.

I cut myself shaving.

-I also went down to the Bureau of Records, and dug up

your marriage license.

It turns out that you and Mr. Williamson have the same blood

type, B positive.

-That's very good, Lieutenant.

Obviously she took one of her husband's old hats, added some

blood from a self-inflicted wound, and left it near the

tennis court.

Anything to make it look as if Bo had been murdered.

-What about it, ma'am?

Oh, and another thing.

The lab tells me that the blood is only 24 hours old.

-All right, all right, I did it.

I planted the hat.

I was just trying to get everybody off the dime.

I guess I'm in trouble, huh?

Falsifying evidence?

-Nah, there's no real harm done.

Surely she didn't break any laws.

-Your help, I don't need.

-Well, like Mr. Markham says, there was no harm done.

As far as I'm concerned, I think everybody can

forget about it.

-Well, then I'll be going.

-Oh, Mr. Markham, may I borrow that will for an hour or two?

-Well, I'm, I'm afraid it isn't mine.

It belongs to Jennifer.

-Why don't I take it back to her?

I'm sure driving it off will take you out of your way.

-Yeah.

Suit yourself.

-Now let me ask you this question.

Is this the first pylon you sunk?

-Yeah, that's pile D3.

We did that the day of the dedication.

You were here.

Remember, I saw you coming in.

-Well, what happens then?

You just dig a hole?

Then you just drop the stuff in?

CARL [OFFSCREEN]: We usually dig them the day before.

COLUMBO [OFFSCREEN]: I see.

Then you have this big hole sitting there all night.

-It's not a safety hazard, Lieutenant.

Don't worry about it.

-I see, uh huh.

[honking]

-Hey, that's Mr. Markham.

The lieutenant was looking for you, Mr. Markham.

-I'm sure he was.

I see you have our building records.

-Yes, sir.

But he wanted to take a look.

-Now listen, I didn't think you'd mind.

-No, of course not.

I wouldn't want to dampen your new interest in architecture.

All right, Carl, thanks.

Lieutenant, anybody ever tell you you're very

much like an arachnid?

-A what?

-A tick.

They're quite common, but excessively tenacious.

They hang on.

They let go only under extreme prodding.

-Oh, I never heard of them.

-[laughs]

There it is.

-There's what?

Pile D3.

-What do you mean?

-Why don't you dig it up?

-What?

-Oh now, come on.

You know you wanted to.

-I don't know what you're talking about.

-Oh, it's such a marvellous place to hide a body.

Crew comes in, digs a hole.

The hole sits there over night.

If I were a murderer, hypothetically speaking, of

course, it would be made to order.

Just drive up.

Dump the body.

The next morning, the crew comes and fills

the hole with concrete.

Neat, clean, foolproof.

-Oh, now wait a minute.

If you were a murderer, hypothetically, like you say,

you're not going to tell this to the police.

-Oh, why not?

You're able to dig it up.

Besides, how do you know I'm not a

victim of my own bravado?

-How much would it cost, I mean to actually dig up pile

D3, just for the sake of curiosity?

-Well, a great deal more than your bank account, Lieutenant,

to say nothing of the permits, assuming you got permission,

which is doubtful.

-Mmm.

Probably be a mess, wouldn't it?

-That's a lot of concrete.

-Yeah, sure is.

-Say, you really believe that Bo Williamson met with foul

play, don't you?

That's astonishing.

There's no body, no proof.

Aside from Goldie's pathetic attempt at fraud, no motive.

-Well, actually there is a motive.

-Oh?

-Oh, yes.

It's in Mr. Williamson's will.

You see, before I dropped it off at his wife's house, I

stopped by to see my brother-in-law.

Uh, he's an attorney.

Nothing big, you understand.

But, uh, he's pretty good.

-You've been very busy.

-Well, it's just part of the job.

Anyway, he tells me that, uh, there is a very interesting

clause in that will.

And it says that if Mr. Williamson dies, his wife,

Jennifer, doesn't gain control of the estate.

-Is that so?

-Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Aside from Goldie's 25%, the entire

thing goes into a trust.

And the wife, all she gets is the income from the interest.

-How nice for her.

-Yeah, it's a lot of money.

But it's a lot less than it takes to finance your city.

-You know, you're proving my point, Lieutenant.

I have no interest in seeing Bo dead.

I want the city built.

-Yeah, but if he's dead and it can't be proved, then legally

he's considered alive, which means his wife can spend the

money without restrictions.

You see, she can go right ahead and bankroll your city.

-Quite a lawyer, your brother-in-law.

-Yeah, I know.

The whole family, we're kind of proud of him.

-As long as he's giving you so much free counsel, I hope

there's one other point that he made.

-Oh, what's that?

-Well, a man can be declared legally dead

without a corpus delicti.

But if you really want to make a case against someone, it

might help if you found the body.

-Yeah, I know.

See, I figure I, uh, I got to come up

with something concrete.

[music playing]

-Uh.

[phone ringing]

[phone ringing]

[phone ringing]

-Wenzel.

-I, uh, need some information about--

-Ju--just a minute, please.

Yes?

-I want some information.

How do I go about, uh, getting permission to dig up a pile of

a building that's already under construction?

-I beg your pardon?

-A pile of a building that's under construction, I

want to dig it up.

-Regular sized pile?

-Yeah.

-10,000 pounds?

-I would think so.

-Just a minute, please.

Section 346 B, foundations.

Do you know how much a thing like that would cost?

-No, how much?

-See 581 D. Yes, here we are.

Um, what's your connection, by the way?

Contractor?

Owner?

-No, I'm from the police.

Uh, Lt.

Columbo.

-Oh, yes.

Well, uh, you'll have to have a departmental approval under

Regulation 613 of the municipal code.

-I see.

That's, uh, 613?

-613.

Now, once you get that, you file your permits, your

requisition, uh, slips.

And, uh, if the mayor's office approves of that, uh, then

you're set.

Been to the structural engineering department?

-What for?

-Lieutenant, you have to show the exact foundation to be

torn out, so we can make our estimates.

-Oh.

Where do I do that?

-Room 316, down the hall.

-All right.

I'll be right back.

[phone ringing]

-Got her.

-Good.

-Well?

-Lunch hour.

Come back at 1 o'clock.

-OK.

-How long have you been digging here?

-Since about 8:00 this morning.

-Excuse me.

-And how much is this going to cost?

-I don't know.

-Inspector, how much is all this going to cost?

-Oh yes.

-Thanks.

-How you doing, Teddy?

I'll tell you, it's going to cost considerably.

-Well, Lieutenant.

You know, you can still stop it before it's too late.

-Well, you know, I went to so much trouble to get the

permission that, uh, I think I'd better go ahead.

-Well, that's up to you.

I hope you realize how much work you're causing for a

great many people.

-Well, it's a lot more than I expected.

I'll give you that.

-You know what?

You should have dressed for the occasion.

-What?

-They're taking your picture.

You're going to be a celebrity on the 6 o'clock news.

-All right, come on, fellas.

Give me a break, huh?

Listen, I, uh, I want to apologize for the press.

I didn't realize they were going to be here.

I had nothing to do with it.

Must have been a leak down in the department.

-No, I invited them.

I hope you don't mind.

I intend to make a statement when you're finished.

-You do?

Well, maybe I'll have a statement of my own.

-Oh, you're clutching at straws.

Carl, you're keeping a record of the delay in construction

time, aren't you?

CARL [OFFSCREEN]: Yes, sir.

-All right, fine.

Lieutenant, I want to know I admire you.

-Oh, really?

-You've got the courage of your conviction.

That's an admirable trait, misdirected as it may be.

-Lieutenant, there you are.

You just stay right there.

Because I am going to love you to death.

We could have used you at the Alamo.

You've got guts.

-Oh, yeah.

-Jennifer called, and told me about this.

Then she pulled the covers over her head, which is her

way of dealing with problems.

But I'm here to give you support.

-Thanks.

I appreciate that.

-Are you getting a little nervous, Mr. Markham?

-Should I be?

-Well, it depends on what's down there.

-The usual, Goldie.

Bedrock and cement.

-Hmm.

I wonder.

-So does the Lieutenant.

But he'll have his curiosity satisfied soon enough.

-Mr. Markham, can I see you a moment, please?

-Don't be intimidated.

I think he's scared.

-If this looks all right to you, can I bring in the crane?

-All right.

Bring her in.

Take her up.

-What's happening?

-Another half hour.

-Another half hour.

ELLIOT MARKHAM [OFFSCREEN]: Nervous, Lieutenant?

-Yeah, a little.

-Why not?

You're learning architecture the hard way.

Take her up.

CARL [OFFSCREEN]: OK, fellas.

Let's forget it, huh?

Nothing here, Mr. Markham, not even a button.

ELLIOT MARKHAM [OFFSCREEN]: Well, Lt.

Columbo?

-I guess I was wrong.

-I consider that an accurate statement.

-You have a moment?

I'd like to talk to you.

-Nothing I'd like better.

-Mr. Markham, I think I owe you an apology.

-Is that all you have to say?

Not much.

Night.

Carl, fill up the excavation.

Sink another hole.

We'll pour the concrete in the morning.

Lieutenant, you say you owe me an apology?

Well, you owe me a great deal more than that.

There's not a trace of a body.

Not a bit of clothing, not a ring, nothing.

Now, I'm not a police officer.

But the conclusion seems to be obvious.

You didn't find Bo Williamson, because he isn't here,

and he never was.

-Stop gloating.

-What's the matter, Goldie?

You should be delighted.

It means Bo's still alive.

The only one that suffered here is the Lieutenant and me.

-Why you?

-Well, I've been suspected of murder.

My work has been delayed.

My relationship with Bo and Jennifer has been jeopardized.

Lieutenant, I'm sure you have a lot of explaining to do to

your superiors.

So if you'll forgive me, I'll be off.

-Here, put this on.

I'm sorry, lover.

-Now, that's OK, Goldie.

-No, it's my fault.

I put the bug in your ear.

They going to suspend you, or something?

-I don't know.

-I'll buy you a drink.

I'll buy us both a drink.

-No, that's OK.

Thank you, Goldie.

You go ahead.

-I owe you one.

I'll see you later.

[music playing]

[music playing]

[SHUFFLING AND DRAGGING SOUNDS]

[classical music playing]

[classical music playing]

[tire pops]

[police radio chatter]

-License and registration, please.

That was real nice, sir.

-What?

-That was a real nice piece of driving you did back there,

the way you handled it, the way you pulled it over.

-Oh, thank, thank you.

-Left front.

Could have been hairy.

-Yeah, that.

Oh, that could have been.

That's, uh, well, there's no real harm done.

I thank you for stopping.

I, I appreciate that.

-Open it up.

-What?

-The trunk.

You might as well get your keys.

And I'll help you out with the spare.

-Isn't that ridiculous?

-What?

-[laughs]

My spare, no air.

It's useless.

I've been meaning to get it filled.

But, well, you know how that is.

-Well, why don't I call a tow truck?

They'll bring out a pump.

-Oh, yeah, that's great.

Thanks a lot.

-OK.

Good night, now.

[music playing]

[music playing]

-Good evening, Mr. Markham.

Bo Williamson?

[sirens]

-Had them on me all the way, weren't you?

-Well, I kind of had a hunch.

You see, you kept trying to finesse me into

digging up that pile.

And I had to ask myself why.

I mean, you're not a dumb man, Mr. Markham.

You wouldn't lead me right to the body.

-Why'd you take it out?

-Well, I had to play along, didn't I?

You see, I figured you had the body somewhere.

But what you really wanted was a fool-proof hiding place.

Now what's better than a place that's already been searched?

And at considerable cost, and my embarrassment.

Officer.

-No, no, don't bother.

You will admit, it's a clever idea.

-Oh yeah, it was perfect.

Who would look in the same place twice?

-I should have left it where it was.

-Mr. Markham, I'm curious about that.

Where was it?

-It was in the equipment shed of his stables.

-You never can be sure about those things.

You know, bodies have a funny way of surfacing.

No, this was brilliant.

Eventually, you would have had a whole

building over the grave.

-Yes, brilliant.

-It was just that music thing that bothered me.

Carnegie Hall and Nashville, they don't mix.

-[sigh]

No, no they don't.

[theme music]

[theme music]