Original subtitles

[music playing]

[shaver buzzing]

[doorbell rings]

-Dutton?

-General Hollister.

-Come in.

You want a drink?

-No, no, thank you, sir.

I--

I don't have much time.

I would have called, but--

-But what?

-I didn't want to risk a wiretap.

-A wiretap?

You sound paranoid, Colonel.

-No, General, just being cautious.

-And the reason for this caution?

-The word just came down this morning--

special directive to all of the section chiefs.

The Inspector General's starting a full-scale

investigation of arms contracts.

-I see.

You sure?

-Yes, sir.

-That's unfortunate.

But I suppose it would have happened sooner or later.

-If they find out--

-They won't find out.

-General, if anyone digs deep enough, they're bound to

discover that I've let your construction company charge us

a fortune in cost overruns.

-You offered the standard explanation--

unforeseen difficulties in developing the arms system.

-It won't stand up, General.

When the IG sees your bargain basement bids, he'll know I

let you practically steal those contracts.

They'll indict both of us.

-As you say, Colonel, you're the one that

accepted the bids.

You approved the overruns.

-With that much money involved, they'll know we had

to be in it together.

I'm getting out.

-Oh?

-I'm leaving for Geneva tonight.

If I may make a suggestion, General, you

might do the same.

-I have a business to run.

Besides, I never believed in a forced retreat.

-Well, maybe you can bluff them, sir.

But I don't have your reputation.

-You'll have less of a reputation if you go AWOL.

It's an admission of guilt!

-They won't know it for 30 days.

I just took my annual leave.

-It's a small world, Colonel.

They'll find you.

-No way, sir.

I'll manage to disappear.

-And, uh, if they do?

Just for the sake of argument.

-Naturally, I'd--

I'd keep your involvement to myself.

I'd refuse to testify.

-Not even to shorten a jail sentence for giving evidence?

-Believe me, sir.

There's nothing to worry about.

They won't know where I am.

-How did you get here, Colonel?

Taxi?

-No, sir.

I drove.

Why?

-I've been thinking, you present me with a problem.

-Problem?

-You assure me that my name will never come into this.

That, uh, you will be my protector.

I'm afraid I can't take that risk.

[gun cocks]

[squawking seagulls]

-Did you see that?

-What?

-Uh, a man just shot someone.

-But where?

-Oh, over there.

There, see?

-I don't see anything.

-He just moved away from the window.

-You've been out in the sun too long.

-Mother, I'm telling you.

-Oh, it's a mirage.

-No.

No, we're going back.

-We're going, what?

-Which way is back?

Which way is-- ooh, ooh!

-What are you doing?

-I got it.

It's all right.

I'm all right.

I'm all right.

-You take this.

Yeah, I--

I got.

No, you-- you take this.

-But what will I do with it?

[music playing]

-Uh, Mr. Barnes!

-Here, let me give you a hand.

-Thank you, Mr. Barnes.

-The only thing I can say about the way she handles a

boat, you certainly know when she's docked.

Whiplash.

-If you hand me your raft line, Mrs. Walters, I'll

secure your stern.

-I beg your pardon?

-I'll tie up your boat.

-Oh, oh, yes, yes, of, uh, course.

Is this it?

-Yeah, that's it.

-Thank you.

[sighs]

Oh, I never thought we'd make it.

-Neither did I.

-Couldn't do it, eh?

-What?

-Call the police.

I knew you'd come to your senses.

They must have got 1,000 eyewitness

crank calls an hour.

What are you going to do?

-Oh, hello, operator.

Could I please have the police?

I'd like to report a shooting.

Hello, is this the police?

Oh, uh, this is Mrs. Stewart.

Uh, I'm down at the--

the boat place.

And, um--

[police siren]

-Officer Sanchez.

-Oh.

-Mrs. Stewart?

-Uh, no, no.

I'm Mrs. Stewart.

That-- that's my mother, Mrs. Walters.

-You reported a shooting?

-Yes, uh-huh.

-Yes?

-Oh, well, um, this man in a bathrobe, um, uh, he-- he shot

another man uh, in-- in a uniform.

-What kind of uniform was it?

-Ooh, uh, tsk, I can't tell the difference between an

usher and a mailman.

[chuckles]

Well, I mean, I can tell them apart.

But not what they're wearing, you know?

But, uh, well, but I'm--

I'm sure it was a military uniform.

-Did you see anything, ma'am?

-Hm-mm.

My daughter is the one who sees things, Officer.

Not me.

-You know, just because you were looking in the other

direction--

-Aw, come on.

---doesn't mean that I didn't see it.

-Um, where was the shooting, Mrs. Stewart?

-Right over there.

See?

See that house over there?

-Are you sure?

-Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

-Do you know who lives in that house?

-Uh, well, no.

Does it matter?

-I'd rather not say till we've had a chance to investigate.

-Oh, yeah.

-May I have your address?

-She lives with me.

8090 Vale.

-May I have your phone?

-Oh, 985-4321.

-OK.

Thank you.

-Is that--

is that all?

-Well, for now.

If we need anything more, you'll be contacted.

-Oh.

-Thank you.

-Um, 985-4321.

-Yes, ma'am.

-Come on.

-You know, I--

-Come on!

-On that shooting report, Sergeant, the witness says it

occurred in General Hollister's house.

SERGEANT ON RADIO: The General Hollister?

-Yes, sir.

Uh, just doesn't seem right that a slick-sleeve, like me,

would barge in and ask a man, like General Hollister, if he

just shot somebody.

SERGEANT ON RADIO: I see your point, Sanchez.

I'd better send over somebody from Homicide.

Stand by, and I'll have him there as soon as I can.

-Roger.

Sorry, sir.

-Huh?

For what?

-This spot's reserved.

-Oh, I see.

All right.

Uh, uh, who was it reserved for?

-The police.

-Oh, I think I'm the one that you're waiting for.

I'm, uh, Lieutenant-- um, my name is Columbo, uh.

-Oh, sorry, Lieutenant.

Uh, I was expecting official car.

-Oh, that's all right.

Uh, your name is Sanchez?

-Yes, sir.

-I see.

-That's General Hollister's house right there.

-Did anyone come in or out since you've been here?

-Two young fellas in cadet uniforms went in a

little while ago.

That's their wagon over there.

-Ah, ha.

Is there another way out of this house?

-By water.

The general's got a yacht in the slip back of the house.

-I see.

All right, I'm going to go in and speak to the general.

And while I'm doing that, I want you to search the yacht.

-Uh, but, Lieutenant, I don't have a warrant.

-Well, I'll ask the general for permission.

If he doesn't give it, then I'll get a warrant.

In the meantime, check it out.

Psst.

Pay particular attention to the engines.

And if you find out anything, let me know.

[doorbell rings]

-Uh, General Hollistser?

-Yes?

-I'm from the police, sir.

My name is, uh, Columbo--

Lieutenant Columbo.

-Hm.

Yes, Lieutenant?

-I'm terribly sorry to disturb you, sir.

But we have this report, uh, about a shooting.

-A shooting?

-Yes, sir.

In this house.

-That's quite an opening line, Lieutenant.

-Sir, I'm sure it's just a crackpot complaint.

But, uh, I, uh--

-But it's your job to follow it up.

-Yes, sir.

-I understand that.

I've had to do many unpleasant things myself

in the line of duty.

But may I ask, this alleged shooting--

just who was supposed to have shot whom?

-Well, you see, sir, we don't know exactly, only that the,

uh, victim was wearing some kind of a uniform.

-A uniform?

Well, come in.

These young men are from my alma mater, Lieutenant, MMI.

They're here to take away my military souvenirs for, uh,

permanent enshrinement in the memorial hall.

[hammering]

-As a matter of fact, Lieutenant, MMI is giving me a

testimonial dinner tonight.

[hammering]

-They are commemorating the 20th anniversary of my

retirement and the opening of the Hollister Exhibit.

-Yes, General.

Do you think I could, uh, look inside?

-Lieutenant, uh, wouldn't that be a little obvious?

-Well, I want to be in a position, sir, where I can

tell my superiors that I've checked everything out.

Uh--

-They've already started nailing it shut.

-Uh, it's-- it's just two nails, sir.

-Very well.

Gentlemen, I have a friend here who would like to inspect

the contents of the crate.

Would you open it again, please?

-Yes, sir.

-Wow!

Lot of guns!

-[chuckles]

War trophies, Lieutenant, uh, AK-47 assault rifle, PPSh-41

drum, PPSh-41 clip.

All Soviet made, and as you've observed, all with their

firing pins removed.

-I see they're very--

very interesting, General.

Uh--

-War mementos, Lieutenant.

Uh, lively memories, empty uniforms.

Uh, all carefully packed, Lieutenant, for the exhibit.

-Oh, oh, yes, uh, of course.

I'm sorry, sir.

Uh, could--

just put these back in here, then.

Here we are.

I, uh, I think that, uh, it's fine.

Thank you very much, sir.

-Carry on, gentlemen.

Could I offer you something?

-Oh, no.

Thank you very much, sir, no.

Say, you got a beautiful place here.

It's, uh--

-Thank you.

---roomy, and it's homey.

And--

[hammering]

---that's a fireplace.

Wow!

Well, you know, when I was a kid, we used to have those

fake wooden kinds.

I don't know if you remember them or not, General.

They had a fan in the back.

And they had a red light and ribbons.

And you turn on a fan, and them ribbons, they would

flutter there.

Yeah, they were terrific.

Eh, that's funny.

-What's funny?

-Don't you have those, uh, irons?

You know, like you put in the fireplace to put the, uh--

-Oh, uh, andirons.

-Andirons, yeah.

-No, no.

I never got a fire in there.

It's too much trouble.

Easier to turn up the thermostat.

-Nice.

Uh--

-Oh, uh, for show.

-Oh, the wood is for show?

-Hm-mm, hm-mm.

Uh, Lieutenant, I've been thinking, the person who

turned in that report was right.

There was someone here in uniform.

Me.

While I was packing, I couldn't resist to try on the

old harness, you know.

I'm glad to be able to tell you that I can

still get into it.

[thumps]

-But, you know, the report said there

was another man here.

And he was dressed in a bathrobe.

-Whoever filed that report was seeing double.

Yes, I was wearing a bathrobe while I was packing.

-Got a match?

-A match, uh.

There you are.

-Thank you.

Hey, that quite a lighter.

-One of a kind.

-Yeah, that's something.

[coughs]

Didn't you say that you were going to send all your stuff

over to the exhibit?

-Not quite everything, Lieutenant.

Uh, this has a very personal meaning for me.

It's a gift from my staff on the day that I

retired from service.

-Yeah.

Uh, General, do you mind if I looked around?

-No, by all means, help yourself.

Not much to see here.

Just a basic BOQ.

I guess that's why I like it.

-Are there any servants?

-Just a housekeeper.

Comes in twice a week.

-Good night, General.

-Oh, let me get the door.

Careful.

Good night.

Lieutenant?

The bedrooms are this way.

Guest bedroom, Lieutenant.

Master bedroom.

-Ah, General, have you been here all day?

-No, I was out in my boat till about 2:00.

-You didn't go out after that, sir?

-No.

I was here packing, getting ready for

the testimonial dinner.

-Do you mind if I look in your closet?

-No.

By all means, be thorough, Lieutenant.

Extra uniforms.

-General, that's a lot of fruit salad.

-Past history.

All to be donated, Lieutenant.

Well, you've had the tour.

Anything else I can do for you?

-No, I guess that's it.

Uh, unless--

---unless what?

-Well, as long as I'm here, uh, do you happen to own a

gun, General?

A handgun?

-A hand--oh, no, I--

yes, yes, I do.

A target pistol!

[chuckles]

It's a funny thing.

I never think of it as a weapon.

.22-caliber, High Standard, Supermatic Trophy Model.

There you are.

-I see.

-Hm?

-Hm.

What's that medal for?

-Oh, [chuckles]

that's a first with the United States Marine Pistol Team.

You know, Lieutenant, uh, I had this out earlier today.

I was thinking of giving it over to the exhibition,

although it's never had anything to do with my

military career.

I was, uh, uh, oh, yes!

Yes, I remember now.

I stumbled over the crate as I was looking at the gun.

Oh, that must have been what your witness saw.

-Of course.

-Oh, well.

[chuckles]

There we are, ha?

There we are.

Ooh.

[chuckles]

I doubt if I could--

if I could win any medals today.

I've been so busy for months, I haven't had

any chance to practice.

You, uh, here, see for yourself.

-Well, I'm not a ballistics expert, sir, uh.

-Well, take it along with you.

Have your people check it out.

-No, I don't think that would be necessary, sir.

Uh, I think I'm on a wild goose chase.

-[chuckles]

-Matter of fact, uh, I don't think there's much else I can,

uh, look for, General.

Uh, I think I'll be running along.

-Uh, before you go, Lieutenant, uh, just who, uh,

who reported this "murder"?

-No, I never said it was murder, sir.

-Well, this alleged shooting, uh, who turned in the report?

-Oh, I'm afraid I can't tell you that, sir.

-Oh, oh.

-No, sir.

That's against regulations, sir.

-Oh, yes, of course.

Well, there's one thing for sure.

That, uh, whoever it was, it had to be some--

some guy out here in a boat in a marina--

-Well, General, I'd like to keep the

record straight on that.

Now, I never said that it was a man.

-Oh, you mean it was a woman?

-Oh, no.

I never said that either, sir.

-Well, it doesn't make any difference.

Mistakes have no gender.

-Well, that's for sure.

Ha, uh, well, I want to apologize for taking up your

time.

-Please, don't give it a thought.

-Good night, sir.

-Good night, Lieutenant.

-Oh, ah, one thing.

I almost forgot--

-Yes?

-Uh, your boat--

-What about it?

-I had the boat checked out, sir, while we were talking.

I didn't think you had anything to hide, sir.

And I just thought it would save some time.

-I always preached initiative to my men.

So I don't see how I can object now.

And you're right.

You did save time.

-Thank you, sir.

-Thank you, Lieutenant.

-Good night.

-Good night.

-Oh, General.

Enjoy your dinner.

-Oh.

Well, thank you, Lieutenant.

-Didn't find a thing.

-The engines?

-They were cold.

-Uh, this Mrs. Stewart, did she look like she could have

been doing any drinking?

-Could have been.

I don't really know.

-I guess we both got a lot of paperwork to do, ha?

[car engine revs]

[footsteps]

-Here, Joey, gas up number 2, will you?

-Mr. Barnes!

-Hi, General.

-Hi.

How are you?

Uh, Mr. Barnes, a couple of hours ago, out on the marina,

somebody waved at me.

I think it was an old friend.

You got any idea who it could have been?

-Was it one of my boats?

-I think it might have been, yeah.

You might have it there on the record.

-It's probably Mrs. Stewart and her mother.

-Mrs. Stewart, that's it.

Do you know where she lives?

I'd like to have a few words with her.

-Yeah, sure.

I got it right here.

-Good.

-Hey, General, you're not going to go sailing

with her, are you?

-Why?

-Ah, she's the worst-- man, woman, or child--

she can't sail!

I couldn't--

-Really?

---take my eyes off her.

I thought that she was going to keel over any minute.

-Well, I'll watch it, Mr. Barnes.

Thanks for your good thought.

-Here you go.

-Thank you.

Thank you very much.

[group laughing]

[knocking]

-Just a minute.

-Uh, Mrs. Stewart?

-Yes.

-Lieutenant Columbo from the police, about the report you

made of the shooting?

-Oh, yes, come in.

-Who is it, Helen?

-It's the police, Mother.

Um, we're just having a, uh, um, a before-dinner cocktail.

Would you, um, uh--

-No, that's all right.

-Ask for his identification.

-Oh, Mother.

Uh, I'm sorry, Lieutenant.

-That's all right.

That's all right.

She's entitled to that.

You must be Mrs.--

-Mrs. Walters.

-Right.

- --Walters.

-Here you are, ma'am.

-You sure don't look like a policeman.

I have to make a salad.

-Here you are.

-Thank you.

-Mother is the eternal optimist.

She's always hoping for the worst.

[chuckles]

Well, Lieutenant, uh, what, uh--

-What is that?

Do you mind?

-Would you like to see it?

-Oh, I'd like to very much.

-Well, it's-- it's not finished yet.

When it's done, it's-- it's going to be a bowl, you know?

Like the plants and things.

Um, or-- or maybe it's going to be an Indian water pitcher.

I haven't really made up my mind yet, creatively speaking.

-Well, this work is very, very interesting.

-Well, they say it's important to work with your hands.

-It's very good therapy, and she needs it.

-I'm just a mass of therapeutic studies lately--

sailing, art classes, I even went back to work.

-What do you do?

-I work with children and animals.

-Well, it's, uh--

that's constructive.

-Oh, you see that?

That's a reflection of my job.

Oh, you don't know what it is, do you?

-Uh, no, I don't know what it is, but it's very nice.

-Well, it's a South American llama.

We have them at the Ark Park.

-At the-- where?

-The Ark Park.

That's where I work with the children and the animals.

-Oh, I see.

Well, so this fellow here is a llama, ha?

-Well, you see, I try and go beyond the surface, you know?

To find, um, a deeper meaning, uh, a truer reality.

Uh, at least, that's what I think I do.

[chuckles]

-Mrs. Stewart, I'm going to get right to the point.

You know, I couldn't find any evidence of any shooting in

that house that you pointed out.

I mean, there was no gun.

There was no victim.

There was nothing.

Just a house, a fellow live in it.

-Well, uh, I know what I saw.

-Maybe you think you saw.

-What does that mean?

-The fellow that owns that house is a

retired Marine general.

He says that if you saw him in the window-- one, he was

alone; two, he was wearing a bathrobe.

-What about the man in uniform?

-Well, he says that, later on, he did try on an old uniform.

And he was carrying a target pistol at the time.

He says he happened to trip over a

crate that he was packing.

Now, to you, does, uh, does that sound like a reasonable

explanation?

-Oh, very reasonable.

But it's not what I saw.

-Uh-huh.

I see.

Ah, did you ever wear glasses?

-No, I don't wear glasses.

I have perfect vision.

No, I have better than perfect vision.

-Hm-mm.

Look, uh, I don't want you to get offended at what I'm going

to say now, but, uh, were you doing a little

drinking this afternoon?

Uh--

-Oh!

Oh, Lieutenant, this is really too much.

I mean, that police officer this afternoon and then my

mother and, now, you--

I am not hallucinating!

-Now, look, I'm just trying to reconcile the two stories.

-Lieutenant, I saw two men-- one in a bathrobe and the

other one in a uniform.

And the one in the bathrobe shot the other man.

Now, that is the simple truth.

The sane and the sober and the simple truth.

Now, do you believe me?

-Mrs. Stewart, a murder charge is about as

serious as you can get.

-Now, Lieutenant, I didn't ask you if it

was a serious charge.

I asked you if you believe me.

-You always did have a weird imagination, even as a child.

Those imaginary playmates, all those games.

You never wanted to face reality.

-Mother, to some people, that would have meant that I had a

creative and imaginative mind.

[knocking]

-I'll get it.

Can't a person sit down and have a bite to eat in peace?

Yes?

-Mrs. Stewart?

-Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'll--

I'll call her for you.

Helen, darling, there's a gentleman here to see you.

-Me?

-Yes, yes.

-Yes?

-You are Mrs. Stewart?

-You seem surprised.

-Well, uh, pleasantly, I assure you.

-What can I do for you?

-You can watch the 11 o'clock news on television tonight.

-What?

-Apparently, I need a character reference.

-Uh, I'm afraid I don't understand.

-You don't recognize me?

-[chuckles]

No.

Should I?

You said that you saw me shoot somebody today.

No, no.

You have nothing to fear from me, Mrs. Stewart.

But if you'll watch the late news tonight, I'm sure you'll

agree that, uh, you've miscast me as a murderer.

-Earlier this evening, General Martin J. Hollister was

honored by his alma mater, the Marine Military Institute.

At the banquet tonight, MMI dedicated the Hollister

Exhibit in their memorial hall.

The general, thereby, joining other select alumni who have

distinguished themselves in the defense of their country.

General Hollister was given a standing ovation.

If any man, in recent memory, may be said to have had

charisma, certainly that man was

General Martin J. Hollister.

Early on in the Korean War, as a colonel commanding a

regiment of armored cavalry, Hollister captured the

imagination of the American people.

His courage, his brilliance in improvising in the heat of

battle, his colorful garb, riding britches, boots, and

pearl-handled Colt .45, soon earned him the nickname, The

Iron Horsemen.

Later, as a brigadier general with his own division, he

distinguished himself by a daring end run in which, out

of ammunition and using only his famous pistol and a

monumental bluff, he succeeded in capturing the opposing

enemy commander and his entire headquarters.

Finally, a landmine accomplished what nothing else

could, put General Hollister out of

action with severe wounds--

wounds that necessitated his untimely retirement from

active duty as one of the youngest major general in this

nation's military history.

On the foreign scene, the Secretary of State, again,

reiterated the United States' determination to keep current

troop levels in Europe stable.

In reply to sharp Senate--

-You still think a man like that could shoot someone for

no reason at all?

He's practically on Mount Rushmore.

You didn't even recognize him when he came here.

-Well, I was in a state of shock.

I mean, I didn't expect him to show up on our doorstep.

-Why don't you just admit that you're not sure?

-Because I am sure.

-Yeah, well, you were sure when you were

married to Tom, too.

Do you remember that?

You had him running out with every woman in town.

No wonder he asked you for a divorce.

-Those were not mirages, Mother.

Those were flesh-and-blood ladies he

was carrying on with.

He even admitted it.

-Your pot's overcooking.

-That is not a pot!

It's a crock!

Oh, ah.

Tsk.

-General Hollister, colorful character.

Reminds me of General Patton, Old Blood and Guts.

Hey, how about a game of pool before we call it a night,

Lieutenant?

-No, thanks, Bert.

Not tonight.

I got to get up early.

-Got something special going on?

-Uh, yeah.

I think I'm going to do a little fishing.

-Hey!

All right.

If you catch something good, bring it in.

I'll give you a bowl of chili, free.

Hey!

-Come on, General, just-- just one more drink, ha?

-One more--

-Look, it's 4 o'clock in the morning.

Go on home to your wives, gentlemen.

-Let's go out for one more drink.

-Look, I always make it a rule to be in bed before reveille.

Go home.

Good night, gentlemen.

[boat engine starting]

-Ahoy, Lieutenant!

You're an early bird.

-Oh, yes, sir.

-Be right with you.

-Yeah.

I'm just, uh, combining a little business with pleasure.

-At this hour?

-Well, George, my brother-in-law, George--

-Yeah?

-Oh, you don't know him.

But at any rate, he's a fantastic fisherman, this man.

And he told me the-- the best time to catch anything is

right about now.

He says, get there before everybody, and you kind of

catch a fish off guard.

-Hm-mm.

Doesn't look like it worked.

-Not yet.

But I want to keep trying.

-Hm-mm.

I don't think you'll catch anything big around here,

Lieutenant.

You're too close in.

-Oh?

Yeah, you know, you're probably right.

General, there's something I don't understand.

All the other fishing boats, they were going out.

And your boat is just coming in.

-Hm-mm.

-Why is that?

-I won a lot of battles, Lieutenant.

And I've caught a lot of fish by doing the unconventional

thing.

-Do you know that I have always envied somebody with

talent?

-Hm-mm.

-I don't think you can learn that.

You know, I think you're born with that?

You know, inventors and military strategists.

Now, I wish I had that because that would be a terrific thing

in my work.

Do you know what I mean?

-Hm-mm.

Yes, I'm sure it would.

Yeah.

-Oh, General, uh, talking about work.

Uh, there's a couple of loose ends I'd like to tie up.

Nothing important, you understand?

But, uh, I would like to get them tied up.

-Fire away.

-Well, you know, I was, eh, watching the news on

television last night-- those film clips of you in action?

-Yes.

-Great stuff, really.

-Thank you.

-Yeah, it was just thrilling.

Um, but you know, General, I happen to notice that you were

carrying a pearl-handled pistol.

And, uh--

-Splendid weapon.

Single-action Colt .45.

-Yeah, I--

I remember that.

That was kind of like your trademark, wasn't it?

Well, the thing is this, that, uh, yesterday when I asked you

whether you owned any guns, you showed me your souvenirs

and you showed me your target pistol, which is all

very well and good.

But I was wondering, whatever happened to that

pearl-handled revolver?

Because when I looked into the crate, you know, I didn't see

it in there.

-I lost it, Lieutenant, a long time ago.

When I was in the hospital in Korea, somebody "liberated"

it, you know?

Wanted a souvenir.

Actually, I was, uh, I was pretty pleased it was taken.

It was getting to be just too much of a publicity gimmick.

-I see.

So the, uh, Hollister Exhibit is going to have to do without

the famous Hollister gun?

-Uh, not exactly.

Uh, MMI wanted one for the memorial, so they had a

duplicate made.

-I see.

Uh-huh.

-Now, uh, I've got to change.

So if there's anything else I can do for you?

-No, that will be all, sir.

-Fine, fine.

Just a piece of advice, find a different spot or use a

different bait.

Otherwise, you're not going to catch anything, Lieutenant.

[bleating]

-Mrs. Stewart!

Mrs. Stewart?

Good afternoon.

Did you watch television last night?

-Yes, I did.

Uh, how-- how did you find me?

-I went by your apartment.

Had a nice talk with your mother.

Quite a lady.

-Isn't she?

-Hm-mm.

Yes, I understand that you are through here in about an hour.

Do you suppose that you and I could go somewhere--

or a public place, if you're worried--

some place where we could have a drink?

-Why?

-Well, you're breaking the law.

-I, wha--

I don't think I understand.

-You're accusing, convicting, and sentencing me without a

fair trial.

Now, would you say that that's un-American?

Here's to your convictions and my acquittal.

-Oh, I don't judge you, General.

I just report what I saw.

-Uh, I'd like to suggest the possibility

that you were deceived.

-Deceived by whom?

-By yourself.

And we all know the tricks that the sun and the sea, even

your own eyes, can play on you, you know?

Particularly after a long day on the water.

Now, would you admit that that's possible?

Just possible?

-Uh, well, I suppose so.

-The defense rests for today.

Now, and I think we have to prosecute these martinis

before their statutes of limitations expire.

Eh, your mother told me that, uh, you were divorced.

-Yes.

-Well, I, uh, saw how very, um, good you

were with those children.

Do you have any of your own?

-No.

Unfortunately, I--

I always wanted them, but, uh, Tom, that is my ex, he didn't

want children.

Tsk.

We used to fight about that a lot.

[chuckles]

-Well, uh, maybe you only lost one battle, Mrs. Stewart, not

a whole war.

-Well, what about you?

Are you married?

-No, I never could find the time.

First, there was my military career, and then my

construction company.

I was marred to the business, as they say.

-Well, uh, I can understand that.

Do you ever regret it?

-Not really.

Well, there are exceptions, like last night when the door

opened and I saw you.

-Oh, [chuckles]

Come on, General.

You don't think I'm so insensitive as to not see

through that remark, do you?

-Now, what do you mean by that?

-Well, yesterday, I called the police.

And I--

I reported that I saw you shoot a man.

And today, you're telling me that when you saw me, music

filled your ears, and thunder and lightning

fell out of the sky.

Oh, boy.

[chuckles]

-[chuckles]

You're right, you're right.

If, uh, I guess, if we both see such a scene

in the movie, we'd--

we'd break up.

-[chuckles]

-I meant it, though.

And to prove that, I want to take you to dinner.

Agreed?

-Uh.

-I'll take that for a yes.

[glasses clink]

-And if Helen had just closed her eyes to some of Tom's

flirtations, they might still be married.

-Oh, whatever happened to your husband, Mrs. Walters?

-Who knows?

Sent him off for Chinese food 30 years ago, and I haven't

heard from since.

You know that I have raised that girl since she was three

years old, single-handed?

-Mother?

-Mrs. Stewart.

-Hello, Lieutenant.

-Well, I hope you don't expect to eat now.

-No, I already had dinner at a lovely restaurant

overlooking the city.

It was just beautiful.

-Well, you might have called.

Did you dine alone?

-Ah, no, uh, not this time.

Well, as a matter of fact, I had dinner

with General Hollister.

-General Hollister?

Well, what do you know about that?

Are you going to see him again?

-Well, he-- he asked me to come out on his yacht.

[chuckles]

-Well, that calls for a drink.

You play your cards right-- bourbon

today, champagne tomorrow.

-Makes you kind of wonder, doesn't it?

About the general.

-What do you mean?

-Well, I didn't tell him your name, you know?

And I didn't tell him where you lived.

So, uh, he must have gone up to a lot of

trouble to find you.

-Oh, curiosity about his accuser.

-Yeah.

Could be that.

Of course, it could be something else.

-Oh, thanks a lot, Lieutenant.

I mean, am I so uninteresting that he couldn't be interested

in me for myself?

-Oh, no.

No, no.

No, I didn't mean that at all.

You're a very individual person.

Now, what I was talking about was the shooting.

You see, I had second thoughts about the shooting.

You see, our traffic people, they picked

up a couple of kids.

They were joyriding in a car they hot wired.

And it turned out that this car

belonged to a Roger Dutton.

And he's a Marine colonel, Mrs. Stewart.

And it could be that he was the man you saw

in general's house.

-Tsk.

You know, you did a lot of investigating for a man who--

who asked me if I wore glasses or if I had been drinking.

-Well, that's just part of the job.

Anyway, I found out that this Colonel Dutton booked a

passage on an 8:00 PM

flight to Switzerland.

But then he never showed up to take the plane.

-Well, I--

I still don't get the connection.

-No, well, you see, this-- this Colonel Dutton, he was in

the Marine Materiel Command.

Now, that's a-- he's a procurement officer.

But he had a lot of dealings with General Hollister.

And he suddenly took a leave.

And then he just disappeared.

Now, if you could identify the officer in this photograph as

the man that General Hollister shot, then I think a lot of

these pieces would fall into place.

-I--

I can't be sure.

-Well, now, that photograph is three years old.

-Well, I mean, it all happened so quick, I

just can't be sure.

-I see.

Uh-huh.

OK.

Well, we haven't found the body yet.

So why don't you just keep that?

-Uh--

-And maybe it will come back to you, yes?

All right.

Now, good night, Mrs. Walters.

Good night, Mrs. Stewart.

You know what strikes me?

You are the one that downgrades yourself.

One dinner with General Hollister, and you begin to

doubt your senses.

-Helen, you awake?

-Ah, I never knew how hard fishing could be.

-Never tell that to a fisherman.

-[chuckles]

-Look!

What do you see?

-The house.

-And in the window?

-[chuckles]

I can't see anything because of the reflection of the sun

in the water.

-You know, you said that you saw a shooting there about

this same time of day.

[glasses clink]

-Ooh.

Hmm.

-Dance?

-Uh, me?

No.

[chuckles]

-What?

-No, uh, I'm kind of a klutz.

Well, you know, my ex-husband, Tom, you know, he was--

he was like a ballroom dancer.

I mean, he was so smooth.

It was like--

it was like he was ice-skating, you know?

And then, I mean, I--

[sighs]

well, people used to smirk and make jokes.

[chuckles]

Those were my plumper days.

My mother said, [laughs]

I looked like a radish.

[laughs]

-Come here.

-No.

-Come here.

That's an order.

[soft music playing]

[soft music playing]

[seagulls squawking]

-[screaming]

[boat horn blaring]

TV ANNOUNCER: This late development has just come into

our newsroom.

Early this morning, the body of a man surfaced in the

ocean, 1/2 mile off Marago Cove.

The body has been identified as that of Colonel Roger

Dutton of the United States Marine Materiel Command.

The police report that Colonel Dutton's whereabouts has been

in question for the past two weeks.

We return you now to "The Timothy Jones Show."

[boat horn blaring]

-Ahoy!

-Ahoy there, Lieutenant!

What's this?

Another fishing expedition?

-Well, not exactly.

Uh, just wanted to talk to you, General.

-Oh, uh, I'm afraid I can't right now, no time.

Uh, unless you want to go along?

-A short scenic cruise?

-I, uh, am taking an overnight haul.

I want to test the engines.

-OK.

-Uh, cast this line off down here, and

then hop aboard, huh?

[boat motor starts]

-Gorgeous craft!

Must have cost a mint, huh?

-As they say, Lieutenant, if you have to ask, you can't

afford it.

-Right.

You know, the biggest thing I've ever been

on before is a rowboat.

-Lieutenant, you didn't come all the way out here just to

talk about life on the high seas.

-Ha?

Oh, no.

No, I--

I was wondering, General, have you heard about that body that

they found off Marago Cove?

-Oh, Colonel Dutton, yeah.

I just heard about it, just came on the radio.

-That is shocking.

-Any idea what happened?

-Yes, sir.

Somebody shot him, sir.

I guess they weighted him down, and then they just

dumped him.

-Is that a fact?

-Yeah.

Now, I guess the sharks must have cut through whatever was

holding him down.

-Well, this is all very interesting, Lieutenant.

But why are you telling me this?

-Well, sir, uh, to protect you.

-Protect me?

-Yes, sir.

You see, um, I know that this is ridiculous, but the fellas

down there at the department, they are saying they've got

some kind of a pretty good case against you.

-Oh?

-Yeah.

Of course, they're way out of line.

I know that.

-Of course.

Of course.

-But, you know, they have these ideas.

And, uh, it could be embarrassing.

I tell you, I, uh, I kind of hate to get into it.

I mean, you know, a man of your stature--

-By all means, get into it, Lieutenant.

-Yes, sir.

[boat motor roaring]

COLUMBO [OFFSCREEN]: Well, take motive.

Your construction company got a lot of contracts through

Colonel Dutton.

-So did hundreds of other companies.

-Yeah, but it seems as though he was being investigated by

the Inspector General.

And if he were killed, there would be no way of proving a

conspiracy to defraud the government.

-Well, if there's no one around, perhaps that means it

doesn't exist.

-Right.

Right, that's a good point.

Uh, there's one other thing.

Uh, the morning after he disappeared, you went out in

your yacht.

-Sheer coincidence.

-Yeah, it probably is.

But we do know that the body was disposed of at sea.

Now, I've been studying the tides, General.

Now, the coast-- the Geodetic Survey's got a book on them.

And it shows that a body dumped off the marina in the

ocean, might carry down to Marago Cove.

-"Might," Lieutenant.

"Might." Sheer speculation.

Lieutenant, you should tell your colleagues that they have

yet to show any link between Colonel Dutton and myself--

something that would prove that we

actually met on that day.

-Yes, sir.

Uh, you're right there.

But, uh, now that you mentioned it, uh, it occurs to

me that the night that the colonel disappeared, I did see

a car, like his, across the street from your house.

-I don't know what kind of a car the colonel drove.

But there must be thousands of them in Southern California.

You didn't, uh, by any chance, check the

registration at the time?

-Uh, no, sir.

No, sir, I didn't.

Uh, there's no reason to.

-Oh, now, that was unfortunate, wasn't it?

-Uh, General, if you don't mind, I'd like to go back now.

-Yes, as you wish.

Uh, I guess we're about through with

this test run, ha?

[boat engine revs]

-You know, Lieutenant, I don't see how a man with the name of

Columbo, shouldn't he be more at home on a boat?

-Must have been another branch of the family, sir.

How soon before we land?

-Not long.

-[groans]

You know, General, there is a link between

you and Colonel Dutton.

-Really?

-Mrs. Stewart, an eyewitness to the murder of a military

man in your house.

-Help the lady aboard.

-Oh, oh, Lieutenant, would you, uh--

-Let me take the bag.

-Well, no, maybe you better-- could you just?

Yeah.

No, no.

Yeah.

-Can I take the bag?

-Yeah, I think so.

All right?

OK?

Oh.

Thank you.

Thank you.

It's all right there.

All right.

Are you all right?

-Me?

Fine.

Just fine, yes.

Uh, there's something I wanted to talk to

you about, Mrs. Stewart.

Uh, we have just recovered a body, a Colonel Dutton, the

man that I spoke to you about?

Somebody dumped him in the ocean.

-He thinks I shot him.

-Well, what I think is unimportant.

What counts is what you saw.

-Uh, well, uh, I didn't see anything.

-Well, now, Mrs. Stewart, that's not what you said.

-Well, no, it was the-- the light.

Some crazy reflection.

-Yup.

-You told me that you distinctly--

-I don't care what I said.

I was wrong.

Can't a person make a mistake?

-Look.

Maybe if I could talk about this later on?

-I'm going to say the same thing later

that I'm saying now.

So would you--

would you just please leave me alone?

-If you ever want to go out again, I'll be happy to take

you, Columbo.

-[exhales sharply]

-Hey, Lieutenant!

How goes it?

So-so, ha?

How about a bowl of chili?

-All right, give me some chili.

-Ah, there you go.

Coming right up, Lieutenant.

Got the best in town, you know?

-You've got a match?

-Sure.

Let me get this chili to you.

There you go.

Your crackers.

There you go.

Help yourself.

How do you like that coffee?

-What's this?

-Is that black?

-What is this?

-That's my helmet from the war.

-What war?

-What war?

World War II.

My wife says, I can never throw anything out.

So the other day she put her foot down.

She says either junk goes or she goes.

-You decided to keep her?

-It was a tough decision.

Anyway, I brought all my war trophies over here.

Hey, wait a minute.

You're one guy that can appreciate this.

I get you another bowl of chili.

My chili is good no matter what.

Here.

Yeah, I got this.

Now, look at this.

Like I say, the little-- the Japanese stirring spoon.

I got it in Okinawa, the commissary.

Yeah.

Oh, uh, you know, I guess my wife is right.

I can't give anything away, especially when it means

something to you.

Yeah, that's a long time ago, Lieutenant.

-Bert, give me a dime.

BERT [OFFSCREEN]: OK, Lieutenant.

There you go.

Let me give you that bowl of chili I dropped on you.

Is that cream and sugar in that coffee?

Mrs. Stewart, Lieutenant Columbo.

Mrs. Stewart.

Listen, I appreciate very much your coming down here and

meeting me.

-Just remember our agreement, Lieutenant.

No questions and no trying to get me to change my mind.

-Not one question.

Not even a half a question.

I only wanted you to see the exhibit.

-Why?

-Look, in order to understand a man, you have to

understand his past.

Quite a collection, hm?

See that book?

That's a "Marine Military Manual." Do you know the story

behind that book?

-No, hm-mm.

Martin wanted to wait till the first rush of tourists had

passed so that he could explain everything to me

himself.

-Oh.

Gee, I guess, he wants you to know what kind

of man he is, too.

About this book, there's a bullet in that book.

The sniper tried to kill him.

And that book stopped the bullet.

And you know he never batted an eye?

I mean that--

that tells you something about what kind of man he is.

-Yes.

That he's a man filled with courage.

-More than a great deal.

I think he has an unusual amount of courage, more than

you and I, more than average people.

I mean, if it was me, I would faint.

I mean, most people would take time to recover.

But he didn't.

You see, I think he's a--

he's a very cool man under pressure.

Hey, that's nice, isn't it?

Ain't that beautifully cut, custom-tailored?

You know, I think it's almost too nice?

I mean, all that concern about clothes.

It's kind of vain, don't you think?

-Some men, Lieutenant, do not want to look

like an unmade bed.

-Just look at this stuff.

Look at that.

I mean, this man just had a natural flair for attracting

attention to himself.

-Sometimes undesirable attention, Lieutenant.

You don't seem surprised to see me?

-Oh, I was kind of expecting you.

I mean, when I spoke to Mrs. Stewart, I had a hunch that

she'd tell you.

-I'd like to know what this is all about.

-All right, sir, I'll get right to point.

It has to do with that duplicate of your gun.

-What about it?

-Well, I find it hard to believe--

Mrs. Stewart, see if you agree with me on this.

I find it hard to believe that a man like General Hollister,

who saved and cherished every war souvenir, even the

smallest photograph; I just think it's strange that he was

so careless as to allow his gun to be stolen.

I mean that pistol was the most famous single symbol of

his whole legend.

You agree with me, don't you?

-Well, uh, I don't know what you want me to say.

-Well, if it was me, if it was my gun, I would take very good

care of that gun.

I'd have it in my apartment where people could see it.

And I would keep it polished.

And I would keep it oiled.

And I would keep it loaded.

And when a certain Colonel Dutton came to see me and

threatened to expose me, that's the gun

that I would use.

-Well, if what you say is true--

I mean, you searched.

Where is that gun?

-That's what I asked myself.

Where is the gun?

Why not on public display?

Why not in a glass case?

Why not in front of thousands of people?

And after we found Colonel Dutton's body, anybody else--

you, me--

anybody else would have gotten rid of that gun.

We found the bullet in the victim.

And the ballistics check will match up the

bullet of the gun.

But somehow, General, something told me that you

could never get rid of that gun.

It meant too much to you.

You couldn't even part with a cigarette lighter.

No, that pearl-handled pistol was just too

tied up in your pride.

Because of your tremendous belief in yourself, you

figured everyone would accept your story about having a

duplicate made.

But there never was a duplicate made, was there?

This, in fact, is the murder weapon.

Isn't it, General?

-I assume ballistics has checked out the gun.

-That won't be necessary.

-All right, Lieutenant.

-I'm sorry.

-Uh, what is it with me, Lieutenant, ha?

I seem to have a special talent, you know?

I mean, with--

with all the men in the world, I always

seem to pick Mr. Wrong.

Uh, I'm seriously considering locking myself in the closet

for the rest of my life.

-No, that's wrong.

That's just the way my niece, Marilyn,

felt after her divorce.

Now, she's got a new husband.

As a matter of fact, he's a cop.

And they got six kids.

-Oh, Lieutenant, I mean, just between us, would

you tell me the truth?

Do you really have a niece?

-Well, what kind of a question is that?

Do I really have a niece?

-Well, do you?

-Of course, I've got a niece.

My wife's sister's girl, Cynthia.

[theme music]