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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:02,640 I need to tell you that it's looking like 2 00:00:02,640 --> 00:00:04,480 this documentary is not gonna happen. 3 00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:05,960 Just do the documentary. 4 00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:09,000 I'd really like to go to London on my own, as an adult. 5 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:10,680 We go together or not at all. 6 00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:13,880 I've just had a brilliant idea - we book an extra ticket for Austin 7 00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:15,400 but we don't tell him. 8 00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:18,080 Because autistic people are famously good with surprises. 9 00:00:18,080 --> 00:00:20,520 I'm going to Great Britain! I've gotta pack. 10 00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:22,240 Where's my dinner jacket? Is it pressed? 11 00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:24,560 You look after him, or I'll chop your nuts off. 12 00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:38,120 Couldn't sleep either, eh? Oh! 13 00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:40,080 This jet-lag is very disconcerting. 14 00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:42,680 I ate almost continuously for 24 hours 15 00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:44,880 but now I'm hungry again. 16 00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:46,960 Same here. I'm all at sixes and sevens. 17 00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:48,880 Good morning. Hello, Ingrid. 18 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:50,760 Ah, you like cooking. 19 00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:53,080 Making sandwiches doesn't really count as cooking. 20 00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:54,880 Well, it looks interesting. Thanks. 21 00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:56,600 Would you care for a bite? 22 00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:58,160 I don't know. 23 00:00:58,160 --> 00:01:00,480 No need to be alarmed. It's the chemistry of flavour. 24 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:03,080 Or basic science, as I prefer to call it. 25 00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:05,000 Help yourselves. OK. 26 00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:06,720 Well, you're in Great Britain now 27 00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:08,440 and what we do when we eat sandwiches 28 00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:10,120 is say, "God save the King." 29 00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:11,800 God save the King. God save the King. 30 00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:20,120 Oh. Ah! Ooh. 31 00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:22,560 Oh-ho! What is that like? 32 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:25,400 A fair-trade wasabi chocolate bar 33 00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:27,040 or is it quite a lot more like that stuff 34 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:29,680 we used to paint on Florence's nails to stop her biting them? 35 00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:32,560 Actually, it's not. This is chocolate spread with English mustard. 36 00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:35,800 Mmm. I like it. That makes two of us, Dad. 37 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:40,000 Well, two against one. 38 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:42,200 You OK? I can't feel my tongue! 39 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:04,480 "Mother, I am now approximately 16,993km away. 40 00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:06,520 "I ate all six in-flight meals 41 00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:08,640 "and I must..." Oh, OK. 42 00:02:08,640 --> 00:02:11,040 He's listed everything he's eaten. 43 00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:13,040 Ooh, I think I'm having separation anxiety. 44 00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:17,000 Or, like...phantom child pain? Is that a thing? 45 00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:19,200 I mean, I've got a pain in my right arm. 46 00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:21,080 Well, it could be that... or a heart attack. 47 00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:23,400 Did you feel like this, Dad, when I went overseas? 48 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:24,920 No, not at all. 49 00:02:24,920 --> 00:02:27,360 The doctor said my heart-rate steadied 50 00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:29,200 and that pain in my jaw - gone. 51 00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:33,400 I missed you terribly. 52 00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:36,840 Toast and cold-extracted honey? 53 00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:38,560 Oh, actually, could I try the Marmite? 54 00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:40,160 What? Do you know what? 55 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,760 I'm not sure I feel like toast. You always have toast. 56 00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:44,400 I make you toast every morning. I know. 57 00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:46,120 But I mean, you do that without asking me. 58 00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:48,320 That is a gigantic assumption. Yeah but you like toast! 59 00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:50,680 Do I, though? Do I, actually? I don't know that I do. 60 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:53,440 You know what? I think... Can I try...can I try the muesli? 61 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,040 What? 62 00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:56,920 Who is that? Oh, it's just Heidi. 63 00:02:56,920 --> 00:02:58,920 I'm meeting her for lunch. Ooh, great. 64 00:02:58,920 --> 00:03:00,680 We can update her on the documentary. 65 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:03,920 Uh, no, I mean it's just me, actually, and, um...and Yolanda. 66 00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:06,000 Yolanda? But I need Yolanda! 67 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:08,480 I'm, uh, taking Austin round London. 68 00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:10,640 You know, it's gonna be some really valuable stuff. 69 00:03:10,640 --> 00:03:12,920 Some really moody, emotive emotions. 70 00:03:12,920 --> 00:03:14,560 I mean, a lunch - 71 00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:16,920 is that really a subject for a serious documentarian? 72 00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:19,600 Sorry, Julian - is this documentary entirely about you? 73 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,080 No. No. 74 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:23,560 No, of course not. You have carpet in your bathroom?! 75 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:25,640 I can't believe I didn't notice that last night. 76 00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:28,480 It's actually the original. I'm not sure it's very hygienic. 77 00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:31,120 Yeah, well, it's soft underfoot. He has very sensitive soles. 78 00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:32,960 And cosy, when not damp. 79 00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:35,080 We were just talking about today and, uh...yeah. 80 00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:37,600 Now that we don't have a camera, I was thinking... 81 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:39,560 maybe we just chill out at home. 82 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:42,840 So you want me to put my life on hold until a camera becomes available? 83 00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:46,080 No! No. I mean, I...I can do things without filming them. 84 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:49,080 Can you, still? Would you like to go sight-seeing? 85 00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:52,200 Well, I do happen to have a collection of ideas. 86 00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:55,360 As you know, I've always had a strong passion for British culture. 87 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,000 You have mentioned that, yeah. 88 00:03:57,000 --> 00:04:00,200 And there's someone I've long admired for their British sensibilities, 89 00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:02,720 their sophistication and manners. 90 00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:05,000 Is it Jarvis Cocker? I think it should be Jarvis Cocker. 91 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:07,560 I love Jarvis Cocker. No, it is not whoever that person is. 92 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:09,400 It's Billie Piper. 93 00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:11,000 Yes, of course. 94 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:13,680 The singer-turned-actor, star of screen and stage, 95 00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:16,240 my long-time favourite Doctor Who companion 96 00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:20,680 and she's also the co-creator of a certain streaming hit known as... 97 00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:22,520 I Hate Suzie. 98 00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:24,520 So what I mostly want to do today 99 00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:26,480 is visit landmarks of her career 100 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:29,440 from 1998 to 2015. 101 00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:31,120 You do know that Madame Tussaud's 102 00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:33,720 is basically chock-full of famous British people 103 00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:35,600 and they're all in one place? 104 00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:37,440 No? 105 00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:38,920 No. I see. 106 00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:41,000 A touring retrospective of Billie Piper's career 107 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:42,480 sounds absolutely wonderful. 108 00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:44,000 The only problem with that 109 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:45,840 is it could take weeks or months to organise. 110 00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:49,560 Actually, that's been sorted and paid for through Gawain's Bespoke Tours. 111 00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:53,440 As they like to say, "You name the person, we set up the excursion." 112 00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:55,880 Ooh, that's a half-rhyme. I very much fear it's real. 113 00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:58,120 When did you do this? Before I left Australia. 114 00:04:58,120 --> 00:04:59,840 Via the World Wide Web. 115 00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:02,480 Well, fellas, that sounds completely amazing 116 00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:05,720 but unfortunately, I have this lunch that isn't gonna eat itself, so... 117 00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:07,200 Don't worry, stepmother - 118 00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:09,240 I'll provide you with a minute-by-minute report 119 00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:11,000 when Dad and I get back. 120 00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:14,520 You don't like that, do you? 121 00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:16,000 Mmm. 122 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:21,680 I hope this isn't something that you feel obligated to do, Dad. 123 00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:23,520 I'm more than happy to go alone. 124 00:05:23,520 --> 00:05:27,720 No, on the contrary - I'm curious to see what a bespoke tour looks like. 125 00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:35,080 And whether it's possible to remain unmurdered taking part in one. 126 00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:37,480 Ah! 127 00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:40,120 Good morning! Good morning, good morning! 128 00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:43,240 And welcome to Gawain's Bespoke Tours. 129 00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:48,560 Yes. I call my van 'Flattery', because it'll get you nowhere! 130 00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:54,760 My jokes could be worse - they could me mine. 131 00:05:56,280 --> 00:05:58,720 Alright. The Billie Piper Tour. 132 00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:01,360 Thank you for suggesting this, Austin. It's one of my favourites. 133 00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:03,400 My pleasure. Yes. So... 134 00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:08,000 Oh! Before we start, I should just declare a small conflict. 135 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:10,320 Yeah... Do you know Billie personally? 136 00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:12,000 Pfft! Well... 137 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:14,000 I played Paramedic Number 3 138 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:16,520 in season 2 of Secret Diary of a Call Girl. 139 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:18,520 Alas, I didn't have any actual scenes with Billie 140 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:21,640 but I did converse with her at the craft services table. 141 00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:23,800 What did you say? I said hello. 142 00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:26,840 And what did she say? 143 00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:29,000 She said hello back. You know? 144 00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:31,160 And then she said... 145 00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:34,120 "Would you mind passing the soy sauce?" 146 00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:36,040 Then she smiled. 147 00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:39,000 Then she took her sushi back to her trailer. That's how she rolls. 148 00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:41,640 That's it? Mmm. 149 00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:44,160 He spoke to Billie Piper, for god's sake - hello! 150 00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:45,560 And I passed her the soy sauce. 151 00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:47,360 Yeah, it was a wonderful story, Gawain. 152 00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:49,360 I feel I've learned not just about Billie Piper 153 00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:51,000 but the entire human condition. 154 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:53,400 I just wonder if the story might be even further improved 155 00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:55,440 by the addition of some content and a point. 156 00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:58,000 Don't mind Dad, Gawain. He's a writer. 157 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:00,680 Oh! Oh, right, yeah. What other TV shows were you on? 158 00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:03,440 Oh! Well, let's see. How long have you got? 159 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:06,160 Uh...ooh, Casualty, Cambridge Spies, 160 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,560 Party Animals, The Bill, uh... 161 00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:12,120 I was what was known as a 20-worder, 162 00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:15,680 which is a term used to describe a very good actor 163 00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:17,400 whom the industry have deemed 164 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:20,120 unfit to say any more than 20 words per episode. 165 00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:22,880 Why is that? 'Cause I didn't go to Eton, Austin. 166 00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:24,560 That sucks. 167 00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:25,880 Alright! 168 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:27,800 Buckle up and let's go to the first location 169 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:29,880 on the Billie Piper Magical Mystery Tour! 170 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:36,480 Heidi! Heidi. 171 00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:38,640 Heidi, what's this about a lunch without me? 172 00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:41,520 Never mind that. I just wanted to talk to you before you saw the news. 173 00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:43,360 Oh, no. What now? Oh, my heart. 174 00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:45,040 No, no. It's really...it's nothing. 175 00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:47,000 I mean... No, actually, it's a little bit bad. 176 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:48,520 Heidi, spit it out. 177 00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:51,520 Big Bear's image has been used to promote a Proud Boys rally. 178 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:54,760 What? Yeah, I know. 179 00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:58,640 Not ideal. He's on some fliers, a poster or two, some banners... 180 00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:00,920 Not ideal?! Oh, poor Big Bear! 181 00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:03,080 Oh, they're using your image too, obviously. 182 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:05,240 Oh, fantastic. That is fantastic. 183 00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:06,800 And Ingrid? What about her face? 184 00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:08,400 Well, I guess one of the perks 185 00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:10,560 of you stealing the limelight all these years 186 00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:12,680 is that so far, Ingrid has escaped the fire. 187 00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:15,320 Well, what are we going to do? This is a disaster! 188 00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:17,080 Well, I am trying to get you an appointment 189 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:18,880 with this really great defamation lawyer 190 00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:20,720 who specialises in online cleansing. 191 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:22,880 She works out of an office in Shepherd's Bush. 192 00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:24,600 I'll let you know what time she can do. 193 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:26,080 We'll just nip this in the bud 194 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:27,880 before they erect a shrine with your face on it 195 00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:29,480 in their underground bunker. 196 00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:31,840 That's not a good thing, Julian. OK. Fine. Have a nice lunch. 197 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:33,240 Thanks. 198 00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:37,400 Right. Billie Piper. 199 00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:43,240 My attention is 100% on Billie Piper. 200 00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:44,880 Oh, good. 201 00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:47,320 Is everything alright at home? Is everything OK? 202 00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:49,440 It's fine. 203 00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:02,960 A banner? What...what, of our baby bear? 204 00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:05,240 It'll be fine. You know? I mean, no-one will see it. 205 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:07,800 Uh, m-maybe... I...I'll fix it! 206 00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:11,240 And there is a plan. Will...will you, though? Will you? 207 00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:13,240 I'm trying, Ingrid! You know, I mean... 208 00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:15,160 This is me being open, transparent! 209 00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:17,200 This is our life's work! 210 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:18,880 Big Bear is destroyed! 211 00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:22,120 Well, he hasn't been destroyed. He's just...gone into hibernation. 212 00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:24,120 He's not hibernating, Julian. 213 00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:26,680 He's been caught in a very violent trap. 214 00:09:26,680 --> 00:09:29,600 He's probably left a foot behind. He's losing a lot of blood. 215 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:33,400 He's...hopping through the forest, being trailed by a hunter, 216 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:36,440 who's about to turn him into an ornamental rug for Nazis! 217 00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:38,200 Well, I'll say it again, you know? I... 218 00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:40,160 Bye. 219 00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:44,200 Sorry, gentlemen. OK! Stop number two! 220 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:45,920 What's this, Gawain? 221 00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:48,960 Well, this is a... Ooh. 222 00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:51,800 This is a sleep centre. 223 00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:55,160 It's where adults go to learn what babies do naturally. 224 00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:57,160 Great. Wonderful. Why are we here? 225 00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:59,360 Well, what a lot of people don't know 226 00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:01,200 is that at the height of her career... 227 00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:04,480 ..Billie suffered from insomnia. 228 00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:06,840 So this is where her insomnia was treated? 229 00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:10,800 It's where it should have been treated. 230 00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:13,840 I think it would have given her a lot of comfort. 231 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:18,600 Ooh, and as a side note, just down that road there 232 00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:22,440 is a restaurant where I once declined to share a tiramisu dessert 233 00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:24,240 with my then-girlfriend 234 00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:26,000 and she broke up with me! 235 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:27,880 I'm very sorry to hear that, Gawain. 236 00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:31,000 If only I'd parted with a couple of spoonfuls, 237 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,240 life would have been quite different! 238 00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:36,480 Excuse me, uh, Gawain. 239 00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:38,320 I wonder if we might skip a bit of Billie's life 240 00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:39,920 and quite a lot of yours 241 00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:42,480 and go straight to BBC TV Centre in Sheperd's Bush, 242 00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:45,720 where they would have discussed casting Billie in Doctor Who, 243 00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:48,000 even though she probably never set foot in the building, 244 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:50,920 because the show itself is filmed 149 miles away. 245 00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:53,160 So we're gonna skip the apartment Billie lived in 246 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:56,280 when she was performing Reasons To Be Pretty at the Almeida Theatre? 247 00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:57,880 Where's that apartment? 248 00:10:57,880 --> 00:10:59,960 Belsize Park. Well, that's, um... 249 00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:03,040 North. You have the street address, don't you, Gawain? 250 00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:04,640 He's not gonna have the street address! 251 00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:07,520 All he's done so far is taken us to a couple of random buildings 252 00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:10,000 and pretended they have something to do with Billie Piper. 253 00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:13,720 Uh, 33 England's Lane, Belsize Park. 254 00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:16,360 Since Austin's paid... 255 00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:19,960 ..I'm inclined to follow his direction, sir. 256 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:22,600 Northwards! 257 00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:25,760 This is so exciting. 258 00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:27,720 What do you think is the first step for my book? 259 00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:30,440 Should we, um, meet with the publishers, or maybe... 260 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,640 I guess we need to scope out a marketing strategy... 261 00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:35,040 I think the first thing is to come up with a good idea. 262 00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:37,320 Yeah, I mean, obviously, but that's the easy bit. 263 00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:38,960 Yes and I... I don't tend to have ideas. 264 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,600 Ideas just kind of find me. 265 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:42,200 Find you! Right. Yeah. 266 00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:45,080 Well, I was thinking, firstly, we could surround you 267 00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:47,960 with a few key people, a supportive network that... 268 00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:51,600 No. No, because I want to do this on my own. 269 00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:53,280 This is my solo debut. 270 00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:56,600 This is my George Michael I-Want-To-Break-Free moment. 271 00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:58,080 That's Queen. Whatever. 272 00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:02,400 I want to illustrate this and write it. 273 00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:04,000 Authorstrator. 274 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,120 Illustrauthor. Both. 275 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:07,760 Right. 276 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:11,760 Uh, well, sometimes when your area of expertise is one thing 277 00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:14,000 and you're trying to do another, it can be... 278 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:16,640 No, because just because I'm known for doing one thing, 279 00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:18,400 that doesn't mean I can't do another thing. 280 00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:20,680 It might be indicative. No, Ringo. 281 00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:23,040 Ringo - not known as a lyricist. Octopus's Garden. 282 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:25,240 Any good? But that's...that isn't... 283 00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:27,000 That's not the point. 284 00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:29,800 In terms of idea generation, there is one person... 285 00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:32,680 But I've got so many ideas! So, so many ideas! 286 00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:34,240 It would take a massive tractor 287 00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:36,240 to plough the fertile fields of my imagination. 288 00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:37,760 Seriously, I've got so many ideas, 289 00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:40,560 the right side of my brain is actually making this eyelid droop. 290 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,320 Yeah, I can see that. Yeah. It hurts! 291 00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:43,960 Well...like? Well, yeah. 292 00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:45,560 So... 293 00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:47,120 Quite excited. 294 00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:49,880 I've been toying with the idea of doing a book about a cuckoo. 295 00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:51,600 It's called Coo-cuckoo. 296 00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:54,920 And...done a few preliminary sketches. 297 00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:58,560 Like...massive cuckoo in a nest, 298 00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:01,640 going, "Cuckoo-ooh. 299 00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:04,400 "Cooo-cooo! 300 00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:06,160 "Cuckoo! 301 00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:07,880 "Cuck-oh!" 302 00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:09,640 And then, like, in bigger font, 303 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:11,560 "Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! 304 00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:13,400 "Cuckoo! Cuckoo!" 305 00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:15,280 Like, that would be in a larger font. 306 00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:16,800 Bit repetitive. 307 00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:19,440 No, because I'm going to use a really interesting typeface. 308 00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:21,080 Right. Any other ideas? 309 00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:24,280 Well, I...I think one... 310 00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:25,800 Thank you. 311 00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:28,400 ..brilliant idea is so much better than millions of shit ones. 312 00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:30,080 I completely agree. 313 00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:44,000 Now, this is the building 314 00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:49,000 in which Billie Piper won GQ Woman of the Year, 2006. 315 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:52,400 I thought she was presented with that award at the Royal Opera House. 316 00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:55,960 She was presented with the award at the Royal Opera House, yes, 317 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,080 but it was in this location 318 00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:03,000 that GQ's best and brightest decided she should win that award. 319 00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:06,840 I imagine the selection process was quite robust. 320 00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:08,800 Lily Allen would have had her supporters. 321 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:10,640 As would Kate Winslet. 322 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:13,480 Amy Winehouse. Her Majesty, the Queen. 323 00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:17,160 2006 was a very competitive year for British women. 324 00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:20,400 Oh! Ooh, ooh. And you see... you see that cafe just there? 325 00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:21,880 Yeah. 326 00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:24,120 That's where my father told me he was very ill 327 00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:26,160 and only had six weeks to live. 328 00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:28,040 I was only 12 at the time. Damn! 329 00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:30,640 Yes - but it turns out the doctors mixed up his results 330 00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:33,000 and he was fine - he lived till he was 87. 331 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:35,120 But it was still a very stressful day! 332 00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:37,160 I get that. Dads can be difficult. 333 00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:40,080 I'm still in the car, Austin. Oh, yeah. That's right. 334 00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:43,680 Nazi! 335 00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:47,120 Such unnecessary behaviour. Tell me about it. 336 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,120 Sorry. I've gotta take this. 337 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:51,120 Uh, Heidi, I really need to see that lawyer. 338 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:53,280 Some guy just mouthed 'Nazi' to me in the street! 339 00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:55,520 4:15. Her name's Sloane Matthews. 340 00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:57,240 Don't be late. OK. 341 00:14:57,240 --> 00:15:00,120 Uh, send me the address. Um, how's your girls' lunch? 342 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:01,680 Yeah, it's...it's fine. Yeah. 343 00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:04,640 We're just, sort of...I don't know, bouncing around some ideas, really. 344 00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:07,560 Ideas? Heidi, are you cuckolding me? 345 00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:10,000 What, with myself? No. 346 00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:12,280 I'm just working on something separate with Ingrid. 347 00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:14,720 You know, I think it's maybe smart business if she, sort of, 348 00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:16,920 canters along the path by herself for a little bit. 349 00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:18,960 Oh, right. Really? Oh, Julian! 350 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:21,560 You're sounding very needy. Well, that's just lovely, isn't it? 351 00:15:21,560 --> 00:15:24,120 I'm being dragged round South London on some wild goose tour 352 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:25,760 while you two are boozing it up 353 00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:27,520 at some no-doubt very expensive luncheon, 354 00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:30,000 talking about how to leave me behind - thanks a bunch! 355 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:34,720 Trouble at t' mill? It's complicated. 356 00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:37,760 Been there. No, you haven't. 357 00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:40,360 I told you, I'm not using a flipping ghost writer! 358 00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:42,280 Sean's more of a creative facilitator. 359 00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:44,440 But it says 'ghost writer' right there! 360 00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:46,520 Just take another look at his CV, because... 361 00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:48,520 No. No! 362 00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:51,800 Take another look at his CV, because it's about getting the ball rolling, 363 00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:53,520 the juices flowing, Ingrid. 364 00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:55,320 We need to figure out a story. 365 00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:58,640 I just don't want a bossy man bossing me about any more! 366 00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:01,760 No, you boss him about! You're the boss. It's your project. 367 00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:03,520 Is it my project, though? Yes. 368 00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:06,320 Yes, why...why ponder over what Cuckoo does? 369 00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:08,440 Why...why labour over the words, 370 00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:11,840 when really, you could be focusing on what's most important - your art? 371 00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:13,360 I do prefer to focus 372 00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:15,400 on the most important thing about a picture book, 373 00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:16,920 which is the pictures... 374 00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:19,080 Mmm, so just pop over to his studio, riff out some ideas... 375 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:21,000 I don't think you can say 'riff' any more. 376 00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:22,680 I think it's a bit embarrassing. FYI. 377 00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:24,160 Oh. Thanks. 378 00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:26,080 You'll tell him your Cuckoo idea. 379 00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:28,320 See if he's got any others that are worth exploring. 380 00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:29,880 Audition him. 381 00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:32,680 So I am still the authorstrator-illustrauthor? 382 00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:35,600 Just without the boiled egg of actually having to write it. 383 00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:37,240 Bingo. 384 00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:41,760 Ah, yeah - not part of the official tour 385 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:45,320 but my personal highlight - that building there, that big one, 386 00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:48,680 that's where Billie had her first-ever dance class, 387 00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:50,240 at the tender age of five. 388 00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:52,000 Ooh. Yes. 389 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:53,720 And as an interesting side note, 390 00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:57,320 I once saw a man have a fatal heart attack on that very street corner. 391 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:00,640 I held his hand as he lay dying. 392 00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:02,680 The last words he said to me were, 393 00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:05,000 "One of my nostrils is bigger than the other." 394 00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:07,120 It's funny what stays with you, isn't it? 395 00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:09,280 Gawain, could you pull over for a second? 396 00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:13,240 Uh, listen, mate, uh, the Big Bear fiasco's turned ugly 397 00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:14,840 and I really need to see a lawyer. 398 00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:16,880 You've got our home address, right? Yeah, I do. 399 00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:19,720 OK. Use that to get a cab home when the tour's finished. 400 00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:21,520 Keep the receipt. 401 00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:23,440 OK? Yeah? OK. 402 00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:28,640 And then there were two. 403 00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:32,800 Yeah, just relax, Austin - you're alone with a stranger in a van. 404 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:34,520 What could possibly happen? 405 00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:42,360 You look after Austin... or I'll chop your nuts off. 406 00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:45,000 Ooh, wait! 407 00:17:57,600 --> 00:18:01,080 Greetings! You've reached Austin Hogan. 408 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:03,360 I'm unable to take your call right now... 409 00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:10,560 Directory assistance. 410 00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:13,160 Hi. Yeah. I need a number for Gawain's Bespoke Tours. 411 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:15,600 Sorry. We have no record of that. 412 00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:18,680 Ah, OK. Uh, could we just try 'Bespoke Tours'? 413 00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:20,280 Also no. 414 00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:23,880 It definitely exists - I've just been on one of his tours. 415 00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:25,640 Yeah. That's not my concern. 416 00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:27,200 OK! Thank you. 417 00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:32,560 Taxi! 418 00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:35,200 Hey, Austin. It's me. 419 00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:38,600 Uh, just checking everything's OK with Gawain and, um...uh, Billie 420 00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:40,120 and, um...yeah. 421 00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:41,800 You know, just, uh, checking in. 422 00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:43,760 Heidi, I just...I was just thinking, maybe... 423 00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:45,720 uh, could you...could you give me a call? 424 00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:47,200 Austin, it's me. 425 00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:49,240 When you get to Shepherd's Bush, could you just... 426 00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:50,840 uh, wait till I get there? 427 00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:52,640 Sorry, uh...hi. Hello. 428 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:55,040 Hi. Uh, so, uh, slight change of plan. 429 00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:56,960 Could we go to, uh, Television Centre? 430 00:18:58,120 --> 00:19:00,280 Yes, just pull up here. Uh, I won't be a second. 431 00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:01,800 Alright, mate. 432 00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:05,880 Uh, anyway, yeah, she's covered in glitter and he's got no... 433 00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:07,840 Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I've lost my son. 434 00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:09,400 How old is he? 435 00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:11,480 He's 28 but, um, he's not from round here 436 00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:13,240 and he's not answering his phone, um... 437 00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:15,760 Uh...look, he's autistic but I... Right. 438 00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:18,560 I'm not entirely sure how capable he is, to be honest, but, uh, I mean... 439 00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:20,200 Look... Aargh! 440 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:24,280 I mean, if it was you and you'd lost your grown-up autistic son in London 441 00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:27,560 but you had a slightly crucial meeting in 5 minutes' time, 442 00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:31,200 would you, uh, A, find your son or would you, B... 443 00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:33,520 Hey, mate, it's A. 444 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,120 Just go and find your flipping son. 445 00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:36,600 Alright! 446 00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:38,280 Alright! Yes! Yes! Yes! 447 00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:39,920 I'll find my flipping son! 448 00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:44,000 Just had a 3B at the gate. 449 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:46,160 Yeah. Totally off his head. 450 00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:49,760 Anyway, right, so she's got this knife and he's in this mini... 451 00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:52,880 Let me guess - you've lost him. 452 00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:54,920 Is that Austin? Ah, hi, Bill. 453 00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:57,920 No, no - we were just, um...well, we just got slightly separated... 454 00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:00,080 I was wondering if he'd called you. 455 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:01,640 Where are you? 456 00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:04,160 Uh...uh, London. He give you the slip? 457 00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:05,680 No! We were just, um... 458 00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:07,400 I mean, a couple of people got between us 459 00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:09,120 on a zebra crossing, you know? 460 00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:11,280 It happens. Uh, so he hasn't called? 461 00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:12,880 What street are you on? 462 00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:15,880 Uh, sorry - bad connection. Try again? 463 00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:18,240 Just admit it, Julian. You've lost Austin. 464 00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:20,120 No, no, no. It's, um... 465 00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:21,920 Oh, you numpty! 466 00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:24,360 We'll send you the 360 link. 467 00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:27,680 You were right. Grab your onesie. We're going to London. 468 00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:38,040 And this, my Australian friend, 469 00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:40,400 is the end of the tour. 470 00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:42,200 I have it on good authority 471 00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:44,920 that it's sometimes where Billie comes 472 00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:47,080 to write her television shows. 473 00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:48,800 So you think I'll see Billie in there? 474 00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:51,640 Probably not, no. 475 00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:53,360 Didn't think so. 476 00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:55,320 Well, I appreciate your efforts. 477 00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:58,720 Your tour was simultaneously better and worse than I expected. 478 00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:00,920 Oh, that's very... that's very kind of you. 479 00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:02,440 Thanks. 480 00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:03,960 Hang on - you didn't tell me 481 00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:06,200 about your personal side note for this location. 482 00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:11,280 Austin, old pal... 483 00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:15,920 this happens to be the very last stop on my very last tour. 484 00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:20,240 Thank you for making it so special. 485 00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:23,640 That's alright. Any time. 486 00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:26,200 But...what are you gonna do with yourself now? 487 00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:28,320 Property management in Spain. 488 00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:29,840 And once I'm settled there, 489 00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:32,120 I'm going to fulfil a lifetime dream. 490 00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:34,880 Have doctors make your left nostril as big as your right? 491 00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:36,720 Correct! 492 00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:39,080 The booking's in your name. Thank you, my good man. 493 00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:41,160 I wish you all the best. 494 00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:45,520 And thank you for using Gawain's Bespoke Tours. 495 00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:47,840 No problem. The final tour. 496 00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:03,200 You're Billie Piper, aren't you? 497 00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:04,960 Shh. Sorry. 498 00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:10,760 The lavender Earl Grey will put hairs on your chest. 499 00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:13,320 Actually, I've already got quite a few hairs on my chest. 500 00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:14,880 As you can see. 501 00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:17,680 It's an expression. Oh! 502 00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:19,960 An idiom. Yes, that's right. An idiom. 503 00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:22,560 Now, I want you to know, I don't hate Suzie. 504 00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:25,920 Well, no, you're not supposed to. 505 00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:29,000 The subtext is that she's actually quite lovable. 506 00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:31,040 Ah. I don't do subtext. 507 00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:32,720 Uh, just text. 508 00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:36,240 If I'm meant to find her lovable, then mission accomplished. 509 00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:38,160 What's your name? 510 00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:39,760 Austin. 511 00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:41,680 I'm a forklift driver from Australia, 512 00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:44,240 who harbours ambitions to become a writer. 513 00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:45,920 Of books. Right. 514 00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:48,240 Well, Austin, I was a singer, 515 00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:51,920 who harboured ambitions to become an actress, 516 00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:54,240 who harboured ambitions to become a writer. 517 00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:56,960 You've got...at some point, you've just gotta stop harbouring - 518 00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:58,760 you've gotta start doing. 519 00:22:58,760 --> 00:23:01,600 Hmm. That is a fair bit to take in. 520 00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:06,320 OK. Turn left here, then 1.7 miles. 521 00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:11,520 So, Heidi had quite an exciting idea. 522 00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:15,520 I'm going to meet with a creative facilitator. 523 00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:17,240 OK. Which... Yeah. 524 00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:19,000 Is that different from a ghost writer? 525 00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:20,480 Yeah. Oh, I don't know. 526 00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:22,480 But I just think it's gonna be really good for us, 527 00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:24,000 A, to develop creatively 528 00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:26,280 and B, to, you know, have a bit of space from each other. 529 00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:28,240 Space? What sort of space? 530 00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:33,440 Well...I...I just don't like toast, Julian. 531 00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:37,520 And I quite like to sleep in the studio. 532 00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:41,000 Uh, here. 533 00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:44,240 I've got heels on cobbles, Julian. 534 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:46,440 OK. I'll take... Heels on cobbles. 535 00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:51,280 Yeah, so there's no such thing as a perfect time to write - 536 00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:53,400 just, you know, the perfect time is now. 537 00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:55,760 And don't write for anyone else but yourself. 538 00:23:56,760 --> 00:24:00,000 And never read what you've written until you get to the end - 539 00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:02,480 just get it all out, all down on paper 540 00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:04,560 and then, you know... then go back and tinker. 541 00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:07,000 Question, R-E muses. 542 00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:09,000 I don't have one. You need a muse. 543 00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:10,560 I'll be your muse. 544 00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:13,800 Thank you. But I'm not familiar with the politics of muses. 545 00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:15,960 But just don't tell anyone, OK? 546 00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:19,120 Because...I'm a muse to a lot of people. 547 00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:22,640 You have my word, Billie. 548 00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:25,640 Oh. Hang on. 549 00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:30,480 Austin! 550 00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:35,520 Dad. Stepmother. 551 00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:37,760 Allow me to introduce you to... 552 00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:39,520 the star of screen and stage, 553 00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:41,320 Billie Piper. 554 00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:45,160 Billie Piper? 555 00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:47,320 She's not here! 556 00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:48,880 Are you OK, Austin? 557 00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:50,720 But we were talking for ages! 558 00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:54,000 She gave me some writing advice and she said she would be my... 559 00:24:56,360 --> 00:24:57,960 Your what, Austin? 560 00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:00,000 Never mind. 561 00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:02,080 Come on, mate. It's been a long day. 562 00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:03,600 Let's get you home. 563 00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:11,120 So what happened to Gawain? 564 00:25:11,120 --> 00:25:13,080 Oh, he retired to Spain. Why? 565 00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:15,400 Due to a problem with his nostril. 566 00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:17,040 Can't take the plate, mate. 567 00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:20,000 Excuse me - there was an Australian guy sat there. 568 00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:21,720 Do you know where he is? Uh, he left. 569 00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:23,480 He left? He left. 570 00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:25,440 He asked me to be his muse. 571 00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:27,120 And I said yes. 572 00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:29,280 See, that's actually quite...funny. 573 00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:31,960 I'm...I'm a muse to quite a few people, 574 00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:33,760 like Rod Stewart - 575 00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:35,440 yeah, and that's unsurprising 576 00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:38,760 but most recently, um, Taylor Swift. 577 00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:40,960 I mean, she didn't...didn't ask me 578 00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:43,320 but I could, like... I could sense it. 579 00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:46,880 Ah. 580 00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:51,760 Ah! 581 00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:55,160 Uh-huh. 582 00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:59,240 Captions by Red Bee Media 583 00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:04,000 Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation 584 00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:07,640 What is the process with Sean - he writes the book 585 00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:09,960 and then you pretend to the public that you wrote it? 586 00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:11,440 That's ghosting! 587 00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:13,240 So, this is where the magic happens. 588 00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:16,480 I'm, like, so obsessed with the idea of doing a book about a cuckoo. 589 00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:18,160 It's with a heavy heart that we terminate 590 00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:20,600 our association with you and Big Bear. 591 00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:22,640 The book will be shredded in the morning. 592 00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:24,920 People will be wiping themselves with it by next week. 593 00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:26,480 We can't let that happen! 594 00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:28,520 I wouldn't know how to do that without breaking in. 595 00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:30,520 No-one's breaking in to anything. 45965

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