Original subtitles

Okay, Niller! Watch out!

Here it comes, Thomas!

- Cannonball! - Andreas!

Cannonball! Thomas!

Hi...

It's a boy!

This is one of the best applications we've received.

There was no doubt. The position is yours.

- Good job, Dad. - Hi, hon.

When we get home tonight, I want us to shag.

There you are, Viktor, my beautiful son.

- And you, old chap. Hi, Dad. - Hi, Dad.

- Andreas? - Yes?

Isn't it time for a haircut? You look like an idiot.

I guess you always have.

Bloody loser. Good grief.

THE REUNION 3

- Niels? - Yes?

THE BAPTISM Aren't you done dribbling yet?

MUM, DAD AND DONOR CHILD

God dammit!

I'm not going to spend all day on this, all right?

The bed is definitely over there... I think.

Your mum didn't bother to take it when she moved.

Isn't Christian loaded? Why doesn't he just buy new stuff?

Mum thinks it's nice that it's the same bed I slept in.

By the way... I'm going to do a rap for Ida's baptism.

Tell your mum that I'm going to want it all back.

- Don't you want to hear it? - Sure, sure.

I guess they think it impossible that I might have another kid.

Why do you care what other people think?

Doesn't it bother Christian that I bought all of this with your mum?

I don't think he minds. He's pretty open-minded.

Well, fuck him.

When I make Ida laugh, she looks so cute. She goes like this.

Ouch! Fuck! I can't believe I'm spending my day off...

Hello...

- You call, we carry. - Hi, Viktor.

Hi. I'll go wait for Mum and Christian.

Come on, Viktor...

What the hell is that?

I went for a bike ride. It's moisture-wicking.

Easy does it. Lift it up. A bit more. That's it.

Hurry up...

So I'm waiting in my office like they told me to...

It's okay that they didn't pick me -

- but when they give it to someone I trained...

Dammit!

Mind the banister, dammit! Come on!

If they'd interviewed me, they would've learned...

... that you deserve that job. Niels, shut up about it.

- How about a bathroom break? - Again?

- I'm having some retention issues. - Are you dribbling?

- No, it's just a weak squirt. - It might be pelvic inflammation.

Or untreated chlamydia. Or pants that are very tight in this area.

Could it be because it's not being used?

- What? That? - Yes. Jette isn't into me lately.

That's surprising. Complainers are super sexy.

I can't hold it anymore. Take this or I'll wet myself.

- Andreas... - I'm peeing!

Okay, let's go.

Stop!

Stop!

- Is that really for me? - Yes.

- It's awesome, Christian. Mum, look! - It's really nice.

It's awesome.

- Aw, she's so cute! - She's amazing.

- Do you have kids? - No.

- But you're not single? - No, no.

Shouldn't you start working on having some kids?

Or... Can't you?

My girlfriend can...

- Well, my wife can. - So you just need a donor.

- Right. - Isn't she cute'?

We got her on the first try.

Hanne went off the pill, and nine months later, bam!

- Look what I found. - Monkey-do! Ida will love him.

No, that's mine. My grandmother crocheted it for me.

But you've played with it and I've played with it, why can't she?

That's enough. This is where I draw the line.

You can't just have everything you ask for. This is my Monkey-do!

It's my family, and it stays with me. The end.

- It's just a knitted monkey, man. - It's crocheted.

Andreas, you have to hold her.

Isn't she cute?

- Should we ask him? - Yes.

Andreas? Would you like to be Ida's godfather?

Excuse me?

Just think of Viktor.

If something happens to Christian and me, the kids still have each other.

We'd really appreciate it.

I don't really think... I think it's probably...

You can say no. Not everyone is as open-minded as Christian.

- Why wouldn't he be? - Maybe he's not up for the task.

- Of course he is. - We'd really appreciate it.

- Dad doesn't want to, does he? - He just has to get used to the idea.

Awesome. That will make Viktor happy. Right?

- Yes, it's awesome. - Congratulations.

- Let's hug it out. - No, that's all right...

Welcome to the family! Wonderful! One big, happy family.

You're so sweet. You always consider other people's feelings.

I love you.

- See you at the baptism! - Thanks for the invitation!

- I'm not going to that bloody baptism. - Don't you see?

If you accept the role of godfather to your ex's new baby -

- then you'll suddenly be the bigger man.

It's easy to be open-minded when you have a huge family and lots of money.

What do I have? A one-bedroom flat and no girlfriend. Nada!

I'm so bloody sick of it!

Why am I always the one to get screwed? Why can't I catch a break?

Andreas speaking. Yes...

My dad has had a blood clot.

- I hate this guy. - He didn't get sick to screw with you.

He's never praised me. I was never good enough. He was never there for me.

That's bloody annoying, Niels.

Axel Neergaard? Where do I find him?

- Just a moment, I'll check. - Thanks.

The doctor should be here any moment.

- Damn, she's hot! - Did you see that ass?

Your dad's sick, and you're drooling over the nurse?

Would it be better to drool over a patient?

- I was drooling too. - Unbelievable.

- Come on, you did it as well. - Yes, but not as loudly.

You can't hide it in those pants...

Andreas Neergaard? Hello.

Listen, your dad has had a cerebral thrombosis.

He can barely move, and he can't talk either.

- He can't say anything? - No.

Not even anything unpleasant?

We're not even sure he can really be reached.

I just need to see if he really can't talk.

All right. Let's listen.

- I don't hear anything. - No.

He was a doctor, and now here he is. Absurd.

Why? Doctors can get sick. Police officers can have their wallets stolen.

A fireman's house can burn down. A plumber's pipes can get replaced...

Shut up.

- I actually feel bad for him now. - Well, he is your dad.

I only played handball to make him happy.

Did he ever see me play? No. He only came to hit on the other kids' mums.

I really need to pee.

- It's only been 20 minutes. - Andreas, could you raise the bed?

I can't take it! Mr Open-Minded and Hanne in their summerhouse...

I'm here wiping his ass while they're laughing at me.

God dammit!

I'm sorry.

Okay... You'll feel a prick...

Let me...

When you're done, could you have a look at Niller?

He's dribbling all the time, and we'd like to know what's wrong.

Let me! Come here, Niller. Come here.

Give me your wiener, Niller. I'll have a look.

Why did he just do that?

He might need to go to the bathroom, or maybe he needs something to eat.

Of all the dads in the world, I had to end up with you.

And now I have to be godfather to my ex's new baby.

If I had a girlfriend, I could go home and tell her all about this.

- But I don't, do I? - Maybe he needs a sedative?

- He needs a girlfriend. - They don't just grow on trees.

Freaking unfair!

I'm sorry. He was looking at me in a funny way.

- Can we do this after I've peed? - Sure.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

If you smile a bit more, she might get you a baby from the nursery.

- I'm just being polite, Andreas. - You could have fooled me.

It looked like you wanted to shag her.

- There are other singles out there. - No.

Well, maybe. But they run the other way when they see me.

I'd need to go to a deserted island where they can't run away.

No, honey. But other wives would be more supportive.

- Stop talking about GigaDesign. - It's just so unfair...

- Stop it, Niels! - Dammit! Jette?

Jette?

Okay, Niller, we're going to...

- What the hell are you doing? - Talking to Jette.

Okay-

Jette?

- Where are we going? - To a singles seminar.

- Is that even a thing? - Yes.

Of course! There's stuff for singles everywhere: single trips and fitness -

- single parties, single sculling, you name it.

- So you learn how to score? - Oh no, not at all!

It's just a seminar for singles who are tired of hanging out with couples.

He's been single for three years. How is one week going to change that?

You're coming with me! Thomas is famous and you...

Well, you're... I don't know, but it's nice to not be alone.

We'll warm up the ladies and help Andreas with his self-esteem.

- He just has to avoid messing up. - That's it!

Come on, man. Andreas needs a girlfriend.

There's a seminar the week before the baptism.

Singles everywhere.

It's a boob-grabbing free-for-all meets classical canto singing! You game?

Say yes, man!

What the hell do I tell Jette?

Do you really have to empty Andreas' dad's cottage right now?

Yes, it's all to help Andreas.

Yes, but you're spending a week there.

Well, we have to paint it and fix it up...

They're selling it.

Are those fancy clothes going to help Andreas as well?

No, that's for the baptism.

- All of that? - You know how sweaty I get.

But...

This is much better. Look...

You'll be working and getting dirty.

Why do you need those?

Just put these on now. Okay?

All taken care of.

- Why don't you use Thomas' toilet? - It's just a few drops.

- Maybe if I called GigaDesign... - No, stop it. Let it go.

That might actually help your retention issues.

Hi, Andreas.

I'm taking off.

Bye.

What's up? You look stylish. Did you buy that shirt at the maternity store?

Hey...

Good thing we don't have to find a girlfriend for you.

Well, we're emptying a cottage, right?

Okay...

This isn't going to get you laid.

- We don't speak ill of Monkey-do. - That's a terrible name.

Well, that's his name. And I'm not looking to get laid.

- I need a girlfriend for that baptism. - Drive! Drive!

- Hi, hon. Did I forget something? - Hi, Lærke.

Hi, boys. You need to make a decision, Thomas.

We'll figure it out, honey.

- About who the donor is going to be? - He doesn't even know if he wants one.

- We'll help him figure it out. - He shouldn't come home until he does.

- Enjoy your trip. - Thanks. See you.

You can stay at my place. It'll be fun.

The trailer was a great idea. It made the cottage story much more believable.

- We're not bringing it all the way? - No, we'll dump it as soon as we can.

What's in there?

- Bicycles? - I wish.

There it is again. What the hell is in the trailer?

The nursing home can't take him for another month.

- There's no one to take care of him. - Take care of him? He's in a trailer!

I don't want him in here staring at me. It makes me feel stupid and useless.

I have a plan. We'll lose him soon.

Andreas...

You can't just leave him here.

One more vegetable isn't going to make a difference.

Here...

Hello and welcome.

I hope you'll like it here.

What's your name?

- Didn't you forget something? - Like what?

- Like that guy? - My name is Anna.

- I don't know him. - How strange. Me neither.

- Well, they all look alike. - Please leave. And take him with you.

- He's no work at all. Very quiet. - No. Leave, or I'll call the police.

I ask for so little in life.

I pay top-bracket taxes, and I still can't get care for my dad.

He doesn't pay top-bracket taxes.

- Andreas! - Oh no, my puzzle...

- And you call this a welfare state! - We'll fix it.

Fuck!

I'm sorry. Why can't we just put him in with small flammables?

I'm serious. I'm so sick of him being here!

I can't take his...

All his...

- Can we pretend he's your dad, Niller? - My dad?

- Then he can stare at you instead. - Sure, if that helps you.

- Are you serious? - Yes.

But if he's to be my dad, we have to be able to hear him.

Hey, Thomas? Hot babe at nine o'clock. Over.

Show me what that baby monitor can do. Over.

Okay, 10-4.

Hello. Can I help you find something?

That one's good. We used it with Sarah. It has talkback.

Look, it has video.

Look at those tits!

Are you part Swedish?

Russian maybe?

Do you think your dad needs large or extra large?

No clue. And I thought we agreed that he was your dad.

- Do you have a baptism present? - No. Well, I do now.

Let's take two.

Then Axel has something to look at. Leave that alone.

I think Axel soiled his nappy.

- What do we do? - He needs a fresh nappy.

So...

Can you do it, Thomas? It's good practice.

- It's not my dad. - Come on, quickly!

- We'll miss the welcoming speech. - Who cares'?

- We'll want to take the right courses. - Yes, we do. Get to it.

Andreas, we have five days to find you a girlfriend.

- Do you have any preferences? - In terms of women?

Do you mean like a tight ass or really big tits?

- Or hair colour. - No preference.

She has to be on the same level as Hanne. Or above.

What the hell did you feed him?

Ladies and Gentlemen, if you look to the left...

Look to the left. Shame they're going the wrong way.

Damn, they're hot!

Andreas!

God dammit!

- Damn, man. - I'm sorry.

- Careful! - I'm sorry.

I think I just wet myself.

I need those things horses wear...

Like they wear them in Copenhagen. Look up, look down...

Andreas!

Dammit!

Andreas...

- Ouch! I won't do it anymore. - God dammit.

Shit... Now I have to start over!

Ouch!

- Hi. - Hi.

Hi...

Hi...

Shit!

Get in the trailer.

- Hey! - Hi.

Let me out!

- Why did you do that? - You give a bad first impression.

- You have shit on your face and arm. - I think it's from your dad.

Dammit... Wait for me.

- We'll go check in. - Wait.

Hi...

Hi, we're checking in. We're old Axel, Thomas, Niels and Andreas.

Let me check your names.

- She's super cute. - She works here.

- So what? - So you don't know if she's single.

- She could be a fake? - Yes. You don't have time for that.

I won't smile at her again. I don't have time for that.

- We only have a family room left. - We'll take it.

Let me know if there's anything else.

I might just do that.

Unbelievable.

- Hey, you said she was a fake. - I'm not looking for a girlfriend.

No, but you need a donor, and she can't help you with that.

Hi.

If I'm going to have a baby with Lærke, I need to be sure about her.

- And'? - So I have to be tempted.

I'll go as far as possible to verify that I can say no.

- Hi. - Hi.

I'll go as far as possible too, mostly to get laid. It's not going very well.

Wow...

Okay, there are so many hot babes here.

Who's sharing a bed with who?

Andreas and I will share this one. You and your dad are over there.

Axel snores, and I need to be well-rested in order to score.

Come on, guys, that's bloody unfair.

Dear students, in five minutes there will be a welcome speech in the hall.

Okay... Niels, you need to change.

Don't ruin this for me already. Change.

All right.

I can choose between homeless or mental patient.

Thanks for the clothes, Thomas. Did you boil these pants?

What do you mean? They're fashionable.

They'll destroy your balls.

- It's a little late for that. - Your balls are fine.

... Strews gold upon the sky.

Walks over sea and mountain top -

- walks overland and town.

It hails from the fairest coast -

- where the eastern sun appears.

Much like that far off star that shone...

There are so many singles here!

And from your paradise.

Dear students, thank you for the song.

One thing you all have in common, is that you're single.

That means you'll meet a lot of like-minded people.

You have no partners, and so you're at similar stages in your lives.

But I want to stress that this is not a dating seminar.

This is a college, and this seminar is about immersing yourselves -

- through conversations, music, dance and sport.

And to get to know yourselves.

You'll now sign up for the courses you find most interesting.

- Any questions? - Where's the bathroom?

Down the hall and to the right.

Excuse me.

Hi. I love your pants.

Do they make them in your size?

What about rappelling and mountain biking?

- Do you see those girls? - Yes. What about them?

- We're doing what they're doing. - Damn right.

Hi.

From the top, salsa to the right...

Two more...

Come on, people. Last round.

Check out our five o'clock.

Excuse me? Um, hello?

I found this man in the hallway. Does anyone know him?

- Nope. - No...

- Anyone? - No...

Yeah, he's ours.

Well, mine. I thought he had him.

Me?

Miscommunication. Niels, grab your dad.

From the top, people.

From the top, salsa to the right.

What the hell is going on?

She thinks it's cute that he takes care of his dad.

So it's about playing the pity card?

Later. Move. I've got him.

Body roll. Body roll. And down.

- You have a really cute butt. - Thanks. I didn't know.

You probably don't see yourself from behind that often.

What are you doing?

Oh stop. I couldn't be less interested.

Oh no, I didn't mean it like that...

- Am I that ugly? - No, I'm just not...

How should I put it?

It's all good. I get it.

We're rolling.

- Why did you tell them I like guys? - Wasn't I supposed to?

- You don't want to appear gay? - No, I was just excited to not be.

- Niller, this isn't about you. - You're not about to be a godfather.

- Neither is Thomas. - No, but he's here as bait.

I want to be bait! I haven't been bait in years. I can't even hook my wife.

At least you have a wife. Right now it's about me, not you.

That's right. You're Axel's son now.

You happen to like guys, but you have a nice ass. Relax!

What the hell? Did you forget to shave them?

That's out. Now it's all about hipster balls. Short on top, long down below.

Like a leprechaun?

Try to keep UP-

- Hi. - Hi.

- There's a sauna. - We can't take Niller in there.

Oh, right.

Axel? Shh...

Goodnight.

- What's up with that? - I'm wearing Axel's pants.

Yours were way too tight.

- And what's up with that? - Well, he's not complaining.

All right, Axel. Here comes the aeroplane.

I used to play that game with Viktor when he was little.

And now Mr. GigaDesign is playing happy family with my son.

What does GigaDesign have to do with Christian?

- He's the CEO. - You're kidding.

- No, it's true. - That's where I interviewed.

At Christian's company? Congratulations on not getting it.

If I talk to Christian at the baptism, maybe he can correct the mistake.

What a great time to further your career.

Whoa!

- Let me give you a hand. - That's nice of you, but I've got it.

It's just that I had an interview, and it was unfair that I didn't get it.

And then some guy just swoops in...

I hope you're not in a hurry, because it's a long story.

- Pastries? - Good idea.

What about the Zumba girl? She seemed very open.

- Is she girlfriend material? - It's just for the baptism.

And for you to get that job interview.

I'll find out which classes she's taking, and you come up with a plan.

Here, give him some more. He likes the aeroplane game.

Be careful with the knife when you carve into the linoleum.

- Just use your creativity. - Thank you.

Go ahead and take this. And carve whatever you like.

Do you bring him everywhere?

Yes, because I think about what it must be like to end up like that.

And we're much more than father and son. We're best friends.

Aren't we?

- My name is Rikke. - I... Excuse me. I'm Andreas.

- Sorry about stabbing you. - That's okay. I've been hurt before.

A singles joke? I like it.

ZUMBA: NICE ASS, CUTE SMILE

Can I tell you something?

I just think you're really, really good at Zumba.

When I saw you, I just thought, wow! Something about the way you move.

- It was beautiful, really. - Thank you.

You're welcome.

What are you carving?

Oh, it's just...

- How cute. - It just came to me when I saw you.

That's just the way my hand went.

I'll just come right out and say it, because that's what I do.

I could see you being my next boyfriend.

I'll just answer it. Hello?

It's Hanne. Viktor is pretty upset.

He was hoping you would help him with his speech.

But you don't seem very interested.

Of course I am. Put Viktor on.

Hi, Dad.

Dad? Are you there? Hello?

Hello, Viktor. I'd love to help you with that thing.

Okay, great! I'm going to rap, and then you could do a beat-box.

You'll go like this...

Could you tell your mum to set another place at the table?

- Are you even listening? - Yes, are you? I'm not coming alone.

- Mum knows you're bringing granddad. - It's not granddad.

- It's my new girlfriend. - When did you get a girlfriend?

It's pretty new. We'll figure out the beat-box-thing.

Tell your mum I'm bringing my girlfriend.

- Talk to you later. - Bye, Dad.

Why don't we get out of here?

I'll go down to my room. See you in ten minutes?

Well done, Andreas.

It ended up being the one with the nice ass.

She's blonde. I don't know.

- How did this happen? - It involved linoleum.

What? Hello? Yes, blonde.

I know, but can you try to find her?

Please try to find her and tell her I had to leave.

Can't you... Hello? Hello?

- Am I done? - Yes.

Great. Let's go, boys.

- Here you go. - Thanks.

- 270 euro for some gauze?! - We got in right away.

- And I just got her phone number. - And?

It's good to have if the wound reopens.

She's very open and nice, and might be wearing sexy clothes.

Just tell her I'm late... Hello?

- It's Jette. Hi, hon. - Hi, Niels. Where are you?

- You're not at the cottage. - Jette knows we're not at the cottage.

Jette? It's Andreas.

Don't be alarmed, but Niels has been hospitalized.

It's nothing serious, we're just worried about his retention issues.

We're at Kolding Private Hospital.

- Should I come over? - No, that's okay. We're here.

Oh, he's going in for his examination. I'll call you back. Say hi to the kids.

Let's get back to the seminar.

- You had to say I was hospitalized? - Yes, why?

Well, because...

- Because Jette's parents are coming. - Where?

Here! They live ten minutes away! What do we do?

Remember, if anyone asks, your name is... Theis.

- Did you steal it? - We just borrowed it.

Just get Jette's parents out of here fast.

And don't forget to look sick.

- Hello. - We're looking for Niels Bødker?

Niels Bødker?

I'll have a look.

No, I've never seen a chlemofyse like that before.

Niels Bødker... Would you please follow us?

Have we met before?

He's in 126. Follow me, it's this way.

I have to tell you that you can't stay long. He needs to rest, okay?

- Yes. - That cake was a bad idea.

- I was baking it anyway... - Excuse me? My wife needs help.

- That's not my area. - But you're a doctor, right?

Yes, but it's...

All right. I'll take a look then.

It's just in here.

Thomas!

- How nice of you to stop by. - It's our bridge night.

- But she thought we had to come. - You should just go.

No, you shouldn't be here by yourself. Look what I made.

- I feel one coming. - Okay...

Push.

Push. Push.

Not you! She's the one pushing!

- Is this... - This is normal for a water birth.

Here's another one. Should I push down here?

- I don't know! You're the doctor! - I reckon it needs to happen fast.

- Am I fully dilated? - Is she?

I don't know. Do you feel open?

- I don't know! - Of course not. Let me check.

Okay, you're totally dilated. I can feel a draught.

Well, I think I should get some rest. Thank you for coming.

Go ahead and rest your eyes.

Shall we see about getting rid of that gonorrhoea?

Gonorrhoea?

- What's this about, Niels? - Niels!

All right, push! Push!

Push! Push! Push!

I see the head!

What do I do?

- What do I do? - Pull!

- Pull the head? - Pull!

- His wrist band says Theis. - But his name is Niels.

- He's our son-in-law. - Unfortunately.

I apologize. Hand me your credit card and I'll do another examination.

Gonorrhoea!

Her name is Rikke. I don't know.

Just find all the girls named Rikke and tell them that Andreas is late.

Hello? Hello?

The in-laws have left, but Niels is being examined.

- He's in here. - What? We don't have time for that.

- Do you have any urinary difficulties? - Yes, but I work out and eat broccoli.

Hello.

We're from gastrointestinal. I have a trainee who'd like to see this.

We're going through the penis, and into the prostate and urinary bladder.

It's kind of like a penis selfie.

That's what I thought. Could you verify?

Excuse me?

Yes, put that on. You're still in training.

Put it on and feel the rectum. And hurry, we have other patients.

We have a patient named Rikke, who we need to see.

Oh, this is a tricky one. How tiresome.

Okay, I'm going up. It's nothing serious, just a bit of pressure.

All right, it's just here. A bit of a poke.

Please relax your anal sphincter. Okay, try to cough.

What do you think we have?

My first thought is that he has a fever. It's very warm.

The patient has an enlarged prostate.

It's probably benign, but I'd recommend surgery.

- Yes, but do we have time? - Yes, it's a simple procedure.

When you say simple... How much time are we talking about?

We peel the enlarged part of the prostate off -

- with an instrument resembling a cheese cutter. Remove your finger.

I'm removing my finger. There.

- Are there any side effects? - An increase in the need to urinate.

He might experience redirection of the sperm into the urinary bladder.

- 30 minutes. He can go home tonight. - No, that's too late.

I mean... Could a patient like this take a cab?

I don't see why not.

- I'll take the camera out. - Ouch, that really hurts.

What's going on? This is very unusual.

I'll get the chief physician.

What? Excuse me?

What is it with you and your penis? You always ruin everything for us.

We don't have time. A woman who's way out of my league is waiting for me.

Come on, we'll pull this out very gently.

- Please don't, Andreas. - Nice and easy.

Okay, Niels. We'll try the Band-Aid method. Quick and easy.

One, two, three!

Dammit, Niller. What the hell is wrong with you?

Hold onto him. One, two, three, then we pull.

What the hell are you doing?

What? Oh, it's just the new technique from Berliner Krankenhaus.

They call it the Rammstein manoeuvre.

Well, it's out. It was good to see you all.

Are you sure he was all right? I mean, he was sedated.

He was totally under. He won't even know we've gone.

Damn! I smell like Miller's penis.

- Rikke? It's Andreas. - This isn't a good time.

Come again?

I know I'm late.

My dad got me into a very serious linoleum accident. Look.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm just giving her a massage.

The doctors said the operation went really well. You'll recover in no time.

That's more than I can say for my date with Rikke.

Andreas, we're sick of hearing about Rikke.

Doing either number one or two will be torture.

Then avoid doing any number.

Looks like someone is missing their dad.

At least someone had the patience to wait for me.

- Let's go, Niller. - Yes...

Open up. That's it.

I'm so sick of him.

If only I weren't so horny.

This project is too ambitious. Let's drop this whole godfather thing.

- What about Viktor? - Bloody hell!

Who threw the nappies on the floor?

No one? All right.

It's better to quit before he ruins everything.

Andreas? Andreas!

What the hell are you doing?

I'm sorry.

I'm just so horny. I dreamt I was with the receptionist.

Well, you're not.

Nope, I'm not.

- Goodnight, Niller. - Goodnight.

Andreas! That's enough! What the hell are you thinking?

I was thinking about the Zumba girl.

That's enough.

Tomorrow we're finding a girlfriend for Andreas. Goodnight.

- Where are you going? - For a jog.

- You started jogging? - Yes.

Hi, Thomas. Ready for morning Zumba?

Yes, I'll be right there.

You're doing Zumba when you know the teacher shagged Rikke?

Oh come on, Andreas...

- All because you want to be tempted! - I've already said I'd do it.

Welcome to the joy of fatherhood. I'm sorry, he can't go.

If you don't want to be dragged around by the dick, find another sport.

Time to forget about Rikke and find Andreas another girl.

Exactly.

Take a shower and come up with a plan to get rid of the other men.

This is Thomas Ditlev. I'd like to invite you to an intimate concert.

I'll sing hits like "E-mails From My Heart" and "Kiss Me Like You're You".

Thank you. The next song is about something very different...

Jesus! He's been singing for 15 minutes. He's stealing the limelight.

I wrote it on a trip. I really needed to get away...

- Thomas? - One second.

It's primarily about friendship.

And I'd like to draw your attention to a person who's here tonight.

He's my best friend, and his name is Andreas.

He's strong, loving and wise.

He's my biggest inspiration.

Thomas is also very inspiring.

And he's inspired me to play a song.

You can all sing along.

We've camped out here -

- among trees and deer -

- on a little isle -

- for a little while.

Before we move on, let's mention that Andreas is going to be godfather -

- to his ex-wife's new child, and that he takes care of his disabled dad.

I love you, man. You're awesome.

I love this guy. I can't believe he's single.

So your dad can't talk?

No, he can't. Not even anything unpleasant.

It's very tragic.

But we still care about him.

- He looks like a nice man. - He is.

It's sweet of you to take care of him.

He's a sweet little leprechaun, as we say.

- Hi. Could you come with me? - Sure.

It's just wonderful how open-minded you are.

Yes... That's me.

Just a moment.

He likes to be near the fire.

All the other companies went bankrupt, except for ours.

I was one of the few who kept going.

So you feel unfairly treated when someone else gets the glory.

Do you know if there's a loo close by?

I'm afraid you'll have to find it on your own.

I'm sorry, but I'm just not into you.

Okay...

That's fine.

Well, you've only seen me in other people's clothes.

It's not about your clothes. It's your personality.

You seem...

- Petty-minded. - Petty-minded?

- And a bit self-righteous. - Okay.

Well...

Well, we're in disagreement.

It's definitely about the clothes. I'll find that loo myself.

- Not a lot of people would do that. - No, that's true.

Oh no, it's on fire.

- What are you doing? - Putting out the fire.

- With your dad? - Oh, he doesn't feel it...

Look. All's well.

He doesn't feel it.

Back to the nice conversation.

- The nice conversation? - Where you said I was open-minded.

What the hell is going on?

Niels? What are you doing?

- What about you? - You're pissing on me!

Damn, Thomas. Lærke is back home. She loves you.

- She wants you to be parents. - She'll be a parent.

It's not her fault that you can't.

I know it's not fair, but denying her a child won't make you happy.

On the contrary.

- Is this a break or are we done? - You're done.

I just like you even more if you like me back.

- I do like you. - You know, I have a large room...

- Your dad... - Let's not talk about him.

His chair! He's on fire!

Where's the lake?!

I'm finally scoring, and then you catch fire! I can't take it!

Where the hell's the lake?!

Come on, lake!

I can't go on. I'm done.

- What's he doing? - Killing himself, I think.

I can't even do that right! It's so bloody unfair!

I'm not going to the baptism. Christian can be godfather himself.

Stop it. That would upset you even more. Think of Viktor.

I don't give a shit about Viktor or any of them!

Goodbye!

- We have to do something. - He'll come back up.

Fuck it. We're going home.

Let's get you a clean nappy, Axel.

Can we go? We have to be there in two hours. I won't find a girl here.

Let's just fix this first. We have to eat, too. We paid for it.

- Thomas? - Why? I'm not hungry!

Well, we are. So shut up for a minute.

- Do you know what she looks like? - Yes.

I hope it works.

All right, that's her.

- Can we go? - I can't believe we didn't notice her.

- Who? - That girl over there.

- She's out of my league. - Nonsense. She's looking at you.

Is she smiling at me?

Seriously?

What on earth...?

- She's coming over. - Hi.

- Can I sit down? - Please.

Hi.

I just couldn't help but notice you.

- What's your name? - Andreas.

- Hi. And what's your name? - I'm Nina.

- A proper hello. - Yes, hello.

That was crazy! That's never happened before.

- She just asked if she could come. - Crazy!

- Shall we get going? - This is like a dream come true.

When I arrive, they'll be like, "Is that really Andreas' girlfriend?"

Yes, it really is! We're here as a couple!

Excuse me!

Oh, right. Niller?

Oh, right.

Remind me again what it was you fell for?

- Well, there are so many things... - I know, but just some of them?

Some of them...? Um...

- Wasn't it his charisma? - Yes, and his open-mindedness?

Stop it! Let her answer. It's very interesting.

- Well, that's actually what it was. - Oh yeah?

Oh no, you didn't!

I'm suddenly very excited about this baptism.

Boys and girls, let's do this properly.

- Hi, Viktor! - Hey, dude!

- What's up, Viktor? - Hi, Dad.

- Come and meet Nina. - Did you really bag her?

Didn't see that coming? Your old man's still got it.

Hello. Welcome.

Hey, good to see you.

- Glad you could make it. - This is Nina.

Hi, Andreas. A proper hug. Good to see you.

Hi, Thomas. Glad you could make it. Hello, Niels. Wow...

- All right, that's enough. - Niels!

Hanne, come and meet Nina.

- It's nice to meet you. - Thank you.

- Hi, Andreas. - Hi.

Wow. You certainly went out of your league, eh?

As you should. Right, hon?

Hello, hello. The godfather is checking in.

This beautiful girl is Nina. We fell head over heels. We're a couple.

- It's Nina and me now. - Yes, that's clear to see.

How can you say no to a snack like this?

This is my new girlfriend, Nina.

We just looked at each other and knew it was meant to be.

- Hey there. - Hey...

Andreas, can I steal you for a second?

Viktor was really happy that you'd help him.

- Yes, of course. - Could you spend some time with Ida?

- So she feels safe during the baptism. - Sure.

Could you focus on that? Andreas?

Huh? Yes, of course. I was just...

- You'll take care of her? - Yes.

You look like Thomas with that hair.

We felt like goddesses in the hospital.

And we got to know Hanne, right Karma?

She's so cute.

- Are you going to baptise her? - No, we're Buddhist.

Ah. Shalom.

Niels?

Look, we're not paying you to be on your phone.

- You wanted me to act natural. - Natural and in love.

I told you we should have gone with the one with the overbite.

- Hi, Christian. Do you need a hand? - No, I've got it.

Or maybe I've got it. I can work alone or in groups, you see.

So yeah...

So just say the word.

Good talk.

- Hi. - Hi.

- What's going on? - I just can't get enough of you.

Really?

Okay...

Yes...

- What did you tell her? - Not that.

Maybe this isn't the right place for that.

Let's find somewhere else where we can get plenty of each other.

Come out for a walk with Uncle Andreas...

- Dad? - Yes...

- Can we talk about my speech? - Let's do that a little later.

Your mum has asked me to bond with Ida.

- How's it going? - Good.

- I'm bonding with Ida and Nina. - I'll put granddad here while I pee.

We can't have him right here.

It's not good for the bonding process.

Look! Nice, huh?

It's not that hard to grasp. No touching at all: Wrong.

Grabbing his crotch at the baptism: Very wrong.

- Somewhere in between. - That's too complicated.

Just somewhere between uninterested and rape. It couldn't be more simple.

- Then do it yourselves. - Nina? Where are you going?

- I just need some air. - Nina? Unbelievable...

- Have you seen Nina? - No...

I was with her down by the trailer. And then what happened?

She kissed me, and I felt like I needed more kisses on my lips...

Hi. This is Vibeke.

And this is Andreas. He's Ida's godfather.

Vibeke would like to go over a few things with you.

- Hello. Nice to meet you. - You too.

You're Hanne's ex? It's nice of you to be involved in Viktor's new family.

- It's very important to him. - It's nothing. It's wonderful.

Being a godfather is a big responsibility.

Can you hold that thought? I think my girlfriend should hear this too.

I'd appreciate it if we could go over the ceremony first.

- So we don't cause any delays. - Don't worry. We'll find her.

Good. I'll begin by making the sign of the cross on the baby's face and chest.

Nina!

And then I ask you, "What is the child's full name?"

- Oh, Ida. - Sofie...

- Oh, Ida Sofie Ravnsborg... - Ravnsted.

Ravnsted, yes. I know, I'm just...

- Ida Sofie Ravnsted. - Ida Sofie Ravnsted.

Good. I'll tell Hanne and Christian that we're ready.

Where the hell is she?

- Hello? - Where are you?

We needed to run an errand in town.

- Did you find Nina? - Oh yes, she's right here.

She just needed another pair of shoes. She was tired of her high heels.

- You didn't take the car? - Yes, we did.

- Then you have Ida. - What?

She's in the trailer. She's in the trailer!

- Andreas? - Dad? The baptism is beginning.

There you are. Where's Ida?

Niels and Thomas took her out for a walk in the pram.

- But they just drove off. - Drove off?

- In a car? - Oh? Okay...

Where is Ida? Did you leave her somewhere while you were making out'?

How can you even ask that?

Dad, you didn't fuck this up, did you?

No, of course not.

Okay, I'll just go get her. It was just supposed to be a surprise.

We need to take Ida back now.

Andreas will explode if we don't have Nina with us.

It will all have been for nothing.

There she is! She's right there!

- We'll be back in half an hour. - You can't be serious?

- Well... - It's starting. You have to hurry!

- She can't drive either. - There's road-work.

- Shit! - Hello? Andreas?

- All right. - Good.

I forgot the change bag in the bathroom. I'll be quick.

- Please hurry. - I just said I would!

- Dad? Are you coming? - Not now, Viktor!

- What are you doing? - I need some privacy here.

- Oh, she's adorable. - She's so cute.

She's just about to fall asleep.

We're ready.

Dear Hanne, Christian and not least, Viktor.

I know you've looked forward to today. It's a big day. For Ida too.

Ida Sofie Ravnsted -

- do you renounce the devil, his deeds and his very being?

Yes.

Do you believe in God, the Father almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth?

- Andreas? - Yeah...

- Andreas? - Yes, but we may need to take a break.

It's just that Ida has done a number two...

Just hold on for two seconds. I'll be right back.

- Oh, are you here? - Yes, I just need to change Ida.

But you shouldn't wake her up now...

I just wanted to make sure the baby monitor works.

We should probably get back to the others.

Oh, silly me. I forgot Ida's pacifier. She'll go nuts...

Tell the others I'll be right there.

Ida and I are ready.

Do you believe in Jesus Christ, His only Son, Our Lord -

- conceived by the Holy Spirit, and born of the Virgin Mary -

- suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and buried -

- descended to the dead.

On the third day he rose again and ascended into Heaven -

- he is seated at the right hand of the Father -

- and he will come to judge the living and the dead.

Andreas? Do you?

No...

I mean yes. My answer is yes.

Do you believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy Christian Church -

- the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins -

- the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting?

- Andreas? - Is it me again?

- Yes. - Yes.

- Do you wish to be baptised? - Yes, please.

The temperature is nice. It feels good.

- Oh, she spat up. - I'll take care of it.

Go on ahead so he can calm down a bit.

- What did you decide? - I'll pay her 135 euro more per hour.

- What is the child's full name? - Ida... Nina!

Let me just show her to her seat.

Take my chair, I just need to baptise Ida.

Would you please stand up?

We'll try again. What is the child's full name?

This child's full name is Ida Sofie Ravnsted.

Ida Sofie Ravnsted.

I bap...

I baptise you in the name of the Father -

- and the Son...

Stop that this instant!

- You have hair on your dress... - I'll take care of it.

I'm sorry. Have it your way.

In the name of the Father, the Son -

- and the Holy Spirit.

Amen. You may sit down.

You may sit down.

Before you hand the child back to her parents -

- I will inform you of your responsibilities to Ida.

- As godfather... - Do I have to give her back?

- They'd probably appreciate it. - Right. Right.

I'm sorry, I can't...

Andreas!

Come on!

- What the hell happened to her hair? - There.

What do we do with her, Andreas?

If the parents should die before the child reaches the age of majority -

- you must see to it that the child is educated in the Christian faith -

- as it is encoded in her through the baptism.

You may give the child back to her parents.

- Hello, darling. - Well done.

- Let's take a picture. - We did it.

Is this your phone, Viktor? Christian? Wait, what is this?

It's my phone, Andreas. It's okay. Just give it to me.

- What the hell is this? - It's all good, Andreas.

We just got her some new shoes.

Those shoes aren't new. Why did you send money to Nina?

- Well... - Is she a prostitute?

- Not as such. She's not a prostitute. - But what...

- Andreas, just leave it... - Cut the crap.

Is my girlfriend a prostitute?

- You bought me a prostitute? - Oh, it makes sense now.

I couldn't get it to add up.

Yes, here's my card. Here you go. I take couples too.

Bye-bye. Here you go. There, there.

- Call me any time, Thomas. - It was just...

- Andreas, listen... - Assholes!

Easy now. Christian will think you've gone mad.

Yeah? Will that ruin your interview?

Calm down, Andreas. We've just baptised Ida...

No, we haven't! We've baptised a completely different child!

Because these two assholes took Ida out to buy the hooker shoes!

What?

My child? Karma?

Karma? Karma?

No, no, no. Karma...

- No, no, no... - Don't forget that you're Buddhist.

What the hell did you do, Dad?

Me? It's not my fault they screwed me over!

You think you're not good enough if you're single.

And why do you think that is? That's because...

Because of him! All his life he only cared about himself!

- That's my life! Bloody unfair! - Me, me, me! It's always about you!

You're just as bad as granddad! Fuck you!

Viktor? Viktor!

Viktor, wait! Viktor!

Dammit, Viktor!

Viktor!

Leave me alone, Dad!

- Viktor! - Get lost!

Viktor! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!

Viktor, slow down! My balls can't handle this!

Viktor, wait!

Stupid horse!

- Fuck off! - Viktor, stop!

Dammit, Viktor! I'm too old for this!

- Viktor, come on! - Get lost!

- Leave me alone! - Easy now. I need to talk to you.

- Let go! - I need to talk to you.

I just want to talk to you. You have to listen to me.

I know I made it all about me, me, me.

But I just want to say one thing...

I know that I need to be there for you more -

- and that I haven't been.

- I understand if you hate me. - I don't hate you.

I just think you're a self-obsessed, shitty dad with your head up your ass.

I think you're right about that.

I think you're absolutely right.

I have an idea.

What if I find the minister and have her baptise Ida?

No.

No. That's a stupid idea.

It's hard to think when you have your head up your ass.

Good job, son. I'm glad you went under while I held it up.

Is it too much to ask...?

I'm not touching it.

- A bit more. - Am I good?

- Yep, keep going. - Am I free of it?

- Are you okay, Dad? - Yep, no worries.

Viktor, I want Ida to have this.

Because Monkey-do belongs to everyone in our family.

Would you give this to your wonderful little sister?

And also a big kiss from her...

... not her godfather, just me.

Thank you, Dad.

Granddad should be part of the hug too.

All right, old chap.

Niller? Granddad smells like poo. Could you...?

That's your area.

Well, that went pretty well.

Give me that for a second.

If Axel is done with it, can Lærke and I have it?

Listen, Thomas...

You can have it all. It's all for you.

As long as I can be godfather. Wedgie in the ear!

Andreas!

Everything is okay, Axel.

It's okay to pee in the water, right?

- No! - Damn, Niller! Disgusting!

Hey! Hey!

Wait up! Wait!

Hey! Hey! Ouch...

Excuse me? Ouch. Excuse me?

I'm sorry to come running like this... I just saw you while I was swimming.

And then I thought: This is it. It's now or never.

I'm going to run over and ask for your number.

- You're not serious? - I am. If that's okay?

- I'm not a weirdo. - No. It's just a strange situation.

But all right. Why not?

- Really? - Yes. Why not?

- On a napkin? - On anything. Well, Almost anything.

Here you go.

- Thank you. I'll call you. - Enjoy your swim.

Thank you. And I'm sorry about this.

- No! - No!

- No! - Andreas!

- Isn't it water-proof? - I can't read it!

- I think it says three... - What does it say?!

- Three... - No!

Hey! Hey!

Subtitles: Sara Sjölin Oneliner