Original subtitles

Cheers.

Oh.

- Well... - Oh, well.

You wanna...

Ooh-ee.

Ah... Oh.

You haven't started, um...?

Are you going on a date after this?

No. God, no.

I just thought that after what we talked about last week...

Oh, I'm sorry about that.

- No, you were right. - No, it was a bit of a rant.

I deserved it.

I told you your unemployment was unsexy.

- You told me I was unsexy. - I didn't say that.

You did. I listened to it again.

What? How?

I've been recording the sessions.

Seriously? You've been recording the sessions and listening back?

Yes. I put my phone on the table before the second session.

Kenyon asked if you were OK with it. You said yes.

Oh. I thought she was asking

if I was OK with you putting your phone on the table.

That would have been weird.

Not as weird as you recording the sessions.

- When do you listen to them? - They're good for dog walking.

I mean, actually, they're pretty gripping.

Like BBC radio drama kind of thing?

Yes, except there are some credibility gaps, like,

"Wow, these two would never get together in real life."

Ha.

Yeah, well, that's the beauty of real life, isn't it?

- We did get together. - Yes, I was aware of that.

I'm just saying it...

it was a plot point I didn't really believe.

The real world can be beautifully unpredictable.

And here we are, two wonderful children.

- You're not wishing those away? - No, of course not.

It's just, maybe we should have had two wonderful children

with other people.

What, four wonderful children who have never met each other?

Oh, the thought of that just breaks my heart.

Why? Why would you care if they didn't know each other?

They'd sort of be half-brothers, wouldn't they?

Well, they might not all be boys

and they absolutely would not be related.

Oh, I think they would, spiritually.

So, do you think our children are related

to what's-her-name's children? What's her name, your ex?

- Sinead? - No, of course not.

You might have had children with her.

That was never on the cards.

You're just jumping in and out of fantasy worlds

to suit your argument.

No, I just happen to be more sentimentally attached

to the children that we never had

than the children I never had with her.

I'm romantic like that, so shoot me.

So, why did we get together if it was all so unlikely?

Because I was going through a dry spell.

That's it?

You asked why we got together, not why we stayed together.

Did you have long-term designs the night we met?

Yes, yes,

but the long-term turned into the short-term pretty quickly.

Because I was so easy, you mean?

Agreeable, I'd say, rather than easy.

And then no plan?

Not no plan, just same plan.

Just...

Right. Isn't that how most people get together?

They want to end a dry spell

and everything sort of gets out of hand?

I suppose, unless there's money involved.

I can't imagine that massive-breasted woman

who married the billionaire was worried about a dry spell.

And Jane. Jane said she knew she was gonna marry Charlie

the first time she saw him.

And then there's people who are friends for a long time

before they fall in love.

And arranged marriages.

But, like you say, yes,

a lot of people start with sex and go from there.

I don't know, it's like starting in a new job.

One day follows another and...

20 years later you're still there

but you can't know on your first day.

No, otherwise you'd shoot yourself.

If it was a boring job.

Do you remember anything about the first time we had sex?

Yes, of course.

Really?

- I can't. - No, neither can I.

I mean, I remember there was some disappointment, I think.

I was hoping you'd forgotten about that.

That's why I wanted to give it another go.

I didn't think it was fair to judge you on that one time.

- Ditto. - Oh, right.

What did I do wrong?

No, just... It was a bit... lackluster.

Oh, so it's all coming back to you now?

I don't remember everything. I just remember you were...

medium, six out of ten.

6.5 maybe. Let's say two-thirds. Me?

Well, it was basically a no-jump, wasn't it?

Or a... a let, so I don't think I can really give you a score.

Let's stop talking about this. It was 15 years ago.

We've moved on to better things.

And back again like a pleasure cruiser.

Well, maybe that's the trajectory of married sex.

It's just once around the rocks to see the seals and then home.

Around the rocks to look at the seals?

The dolphins or whatever.

When were the dolphin years?

You know what I mean.

- Not really. - Yeah.

I remember some...

marine escapades before the children came along

on kitchen tables and whatnot.

What, the kitchen table being the dolphin?

Yes, and the shower and the garden.

And didn't we do something on the...

No, we didn't, did we? No.

- What were you thinking of? - No, nothing.

It wasn't recently, was it, with your friend?

No! God, no, of course not.

Why "of course not"?

Because we're...

Do you really wanna go into this?

I don't know. Kind of.

I'm terrified but I'm curious.

Because it was...

It was just sex. There was no dolphins or seals.

- But blindfolds. - No.

Why would you ask me about blindfolds?

Have you wanted me to wear a blindfold all these years?

- No. Not really. - Not really?

Not a blindfold as such.

Can you draw this thing if it's complicated?

I mean, I could try and knit one if it helps.

God, you must be bored.

- Are you? - You first.

Well, God, it's hardly the time to ask me, is it?

I'm bored with nothing at all, that's for sure.

What if I'd asked you a year ago?

You didn't.

And now you just don't wanna answer hypothetical questions?

Why don't we just say it? I mean, we were both bored.

It's...

It's become less and less important to us

and then you packed it in and then everything went wrong.

Isn't that right?

No.

- What have I got wrong? - Well, I was never bored.

But I did feel humiliated.

- Humiliated? - Because I knew.

I knew you were bored.

I could feel you were bored. There was...

There were indications.

And so I felt embarrassed.

Because I got knocked back so often.

God, I'm sorry.

I thought I knew where this conversation was going.

No, no, no. It's not your fault, of course.

We just... we bounce back and forth against each other.

I'm boring, you get bored.

I get even more boring, you get even yet more bored.

Our sexual relationship is like a Newton's cradle.

And even they stop in the end.

Do they? I thought that was the whole point of them.

What, you thought they went on forever?

I thought they were a perpetual-motion machine.

So why aren't there any still going?

I presumed people got bored of the clacking sound

or they get fired and have to move offices.

You know that perpetual-motion machines don't exist, don't you?

I did not know that.

Otherwise our energy problems would be solved forever.

How can you power a car with an executive clacking toy?

Well, it's not the... I mean, we're getting side-tracked.

Maybe that's what we expect marriage to be,

a perpetual-motion machine that never runs out of energy,

but we have kids and we have a mortgage

and we have your mum and my mum

and we have the school run and we have work and no work.

I mean, how can you not get ground down by it?

It's OK.

- I don't deserve that. - Why not?

Because I cheated on you, and I...

And I...

And I said I was bored in bed as an explanation.

Yes.

And my depression and my unemployment.

Oh, God, I'm a charmer.

I mean...

...being bored isn't the worst thing in the world, is it?

Life is long

and we're only just halfway through it.

I suspect it's only long if you're not enjoying it much.

Well, there you go. See? Doing you a favor.

What, relativity and perpetual motion

all in one short conversation

about our ongoing marital shambles?

Yep. You gotta be pretty brainy

to get out of being married to me.

I wanna talk about the future today.

- Good. - Where it went.

- Oh. - I can't... I can't see it.

And it used to be so clear to me.

It was... It was right in front of me.

I was... I was marching towards it purposefully.

I was like one of those Soviet workers

in the propaganda posters.

It was shiny and bright and full of...

Well, I don't know what it was full of. It was...

Golden cornfields, factories, tanks?

Well, my equivalent, anyway.

- Which was? - I can't remember.

You can't remember the future?

Nope.

Oh, look, they've gone over their time.

Like you said before, why bother?

Haven't got long left.

Oh, God, I did say that, didn't I?

- That was awful of me. - Yeah.

Maybe she's had an affair?

Why not him?

More of a woman thing.

- Oh dear. - What?

Do you think he's not very well?

- What? Like he's dying? - Maybe.

That's all we bloody need.

Now Kenyon will think that our problems are pathetic

by comparison.

Oh, she'll be impatient.

Well, at least they'll make it through.

Is that the future? Making it through?

I think I'd settle for that.

Isn't that the goal of every marriage,

making it through?

I'm not sure there's anything else.

I don't know if I can march towards that.