Original subtitles

Really?

When there's nothing wrong with your arm?

Where did you get it from, anyway?

You can buy them online.

- And who signed it? - Kids.

There are loads of signatures on there.

Yeah, they were at it for ages.

They were making up names, trying out different autographs.

It turned into quite an educational exercise.

Oh, you're a marvelous father.

They'll be able to forge anything now.

So, if you bought it online,

it clearly wasn't a spur-of-the-moment decision.

Next-day delivery.

So you thought about it yesterday?

Yeah. The day before yesterday, anyway.

So two days ago you were worrying

what to say to Kenyon about your arm?

We told her that I'd broken it. I haven't broken it.

She'll be relieved to hear it.

- But we cancelled the session. - Tell her it was badly bruised.

- It is badly bruised. - Show her the bruising.

- It's internal. - Oh, my God.

Kenyon will feel like the bloody prime minister.

There's a plan and a goal but she's firefighting all the time.

You run away. You fall over.

You pretend your arm is broken when it isn't.

We never get anywhere near the actual marital problems.

You do know that I'm gonna walk in there

and tell her that the cast is fake, don't you?

- What? - Well, why wouldn't I?

- You'd grass me up? - You haven't been arrested.

It's a marital therapy session.

We go in and we tell the truth. Otherwise, what's the point?

Well, we don't have to tell her the truth about everything.

I mean, if I had an STD,

would you want to talk about that?

Very much so, yeah, seeing as I haven't given it to you.

- Yet. - Charming.

To be fair, I'm not the one who slept with someone else.

If I had given you an STD,

then yes, absolutely, we should be talking about it.

- It would be a big deal. - OK, STD is a bad example.

But what if I'd hurt my penis in some way?

Would we go in and talk about that?

If you wanted to talk about it.

- I wouldn't. - OK.

What if you hadn't hurt your penis

but went in to see Kenyon, pretending that you had?

Why would I do that?

Why would you put a fake cast on your arm?

I didn't tell her that I'd broken my penis.

You can't break your penis.

I'm perfectly well aware of that.

I told her that I had broken my arm.

- This is a big moment for us. - Explain.

You need to choose.

Are you with me, are you with her?

- I'm not gonna play that game. - It's not a game.

Are we a couple, two against the world, or aren't we?

Two against the world?

That's what marriage is to me.

You've just made that up because of the cast.

Where do the kids fit in?

I'm against them, most of the time.

Well, I'm not.

OK, fine. Then, the four of us against the world.

- That's family, not marriage. - You know what I'm saying.

I don't think I've ever thought

it was the two of us against the world.

Ha.

OK, well, now we're getting somewhere.

What has the world ever done to us?

We're hardly Romeo and Juliet.

Oh, go on. You're in a hole. Keep digging.

How is it a hole to say we're not Romeo and Juliet?

- Well, it's not very romantic. - So, in your fantasy,

we're two love-struck teenagers

whose families don't want us to be together?

Obviously we're not teenagers but there's the age gap.

- Four years. - And the arts/sciences divide,

sort of a modern Montague/Capulet kind of thing.

I mean, it's subtle but it's there.

A very faint whiff of, "Oh, how does this work?

"Her a doctor, him a music critic."

First of all, no it isn't there

and secondly, you need more than faint whiffs.

The Montagues and Capulets stabbed each other.

They weren't...whiffing faintly.

Granted there was no stabbing but there was family pressure.

My mother didn't want me to marry you.

- She warned me off. - She warned me off.

She told me that I was way too good for you,

that you were bloody hopeless and I would end up leaving you.

- What did she say to you? - Exactly the same.

- That you were too good for me? - Ha.

Have you met my mother? Of course not.

But that's not the point. The point is,

I said, "To hell with her," and I married you anyway.

- Us against the world. - Us against your mother.

The rest of the world responded with pleasure or indifference.

Would you...

Would... would you honestly say that you're on my team?

Of course I'm on your team.

I support you for a start. That's what you do with teams.

That was a low blow.

Saying you support someone is a low blow?

I want you to do well. I worry about you. I...

Well, I...love you.

"Well"? What's the "well" doing there?

What function does it serve?

It was just, I... I hesitated.

Why?

People hesitate. Hesitation is a thing.

When you don't know what to order at a restaurant,

not telling someone you love them.

Love is a bigger deal than ordering a pizza, surely?

If you're 16 maybe, not when you're married.

You know why you hesitate when you're 16?

You're scared you're gonna look a fool, not because you...

- Well... - More welling.

Well this, well that.

"Well" is fast becoming a very dangerous word.

It's not because you have doubts.

- You have doubts? - Don't you?

- No. - That is a lie.

How can you not have doubts? You don't want to sleep with me.

We spend half the time arguing.

You seem happier with other people.

I suppose my... my "well" was meant to indicate,

you know,

underneath it all...

Underneath it all, I...

I love you.

Underneath it all?

- Yeah. - Great.

Well, I think you should be happy with that. I mean...

To be honest, you're lucky there's anything still there.

Well, let me ask you this.

How would you feel if I left you for someone else?

- Well... - Fucking hell.

God, you really don't like considered conversation, do you?

I notice you didn't ask if I had met someone.

- Have you met someone? - Well

Oh, very funny.

- Aren't I allowed to consider? - Either you have or you haven't

- and I don't think you have. - There are lots of grey areas.

- Such as? - Online dating.

You know you actually have to go out to do online dating?

No, you don't.

Do you? I thought you did it online.

Well, you talk to someone online and then you meet them.

Oh.

And you haven't been anywhere that I know of.

You don't know what I do during the day.

Well...

no, but if you had gone out to meet someone during the day

that wouldn't be a grey area, would it?

You would have met someone.

Would you like to meet someone?

Not really, no.

Where would that leave us, as a matter of interest?

Are you asking about an open marriage?

God, no!

- Is that what you want? - No, it's not what I want.

If you met someone, you would be moving out of this marriage

and into a new relationship.

Well...

How about you?

Well, I suppose that's the fantasy, isn't it?

- Is it? - Yeah. I mean, you know it is.

You know, the fantasy is...

When you've been married for a few years

and everything's gone off a bit,

the fantasy is you come home and your partner says

he's met someone else and is moving out.

I don't suppose that's everyone's fantasy.

Oh, it is, believe me.

Is it yours?

- Well... - Oh, that'll do.

- Can I leave my cast on? - Oh, what the hell.

Thank you.

- Oh, shit. - Oh, we're late.

Oh, hello.

- Hello, you two. - Oh, my God. Hi.

- How are you? - Oh, hello.

- Hi. Good. - What happened there?

Oh, yeah, bloody...snowboards.

Where have you been snowboarding?

Well, just, you know, all over, really.

- We haven't seen you in ages. - Stay for a drink.

- We can't. - Another time.

Wait, you're not going to the cinema, are you?

- Yes. - Well, then, we're all right.

We've got 20 minutes. That's for the trailers.

It's useful to know. That's good, yeah.

- We're not going to the cinema. - No, we're not.

- Oh. - Oh.

- We do have an appointment. - Sure.

Oh, we'd love to see you sometime.

Maybe you could come round for supper?

Or we could meet you halfway for dinner?

- Yeah. - Yeah, lots to catch up on.

- I can see you're in a rush. - We must seem very rude.

- There is a good reason for it. - It's marital therapy.

And you know how therapists are if you're late.

Oh, no.

Afraid so.

Spot of infidelity.

Not me.

Anyway, we best be off.

- Yeah. Sure. - Yeah.

- Bye. - Bye.

- What the fuck? - I'm sorry. I panicked.

I didn't know how to break off the conversation.

I cannot believe you just did that.

No, me neither.

Throw that stupid thing away.