All language subtitles for Monk_S07E09_Mr. Monk and the Miracle.English (CC)

[light jazz playing]

[people laughing]

[Christmas music playing]

♪ On the fifth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me ♪

♪ Five golden kegs ♪

♪ Four fifths of Night Train ♪

♪ Three shots of bourbon ♪

♪ Two more shots of bourbon ♪

♪ And a bathtub full of Grey Goose ♪

♪ Vodka ♪

[laughing]

That was pretty damn good.

That was better than good.

-That was sensational.
-[laughing]

-Groovy.
-Ah.

Oh, an empty bottle.

The saddest sight in the world.

Where's Willie?
He's always got a little money.

He left, like, 20 minutes ago.

He run, looking for bottles.

-Collecting bottles, huh?
-For redeemables.

[screaming]

[The professor]
He's out to redeem himself.

Help!

Somebody!

Help!

Help!

-[Willie screaming]
-Oh, there he is.

-Hey, Willie!
-Willie, hello!

-[Willie screaming]
-[Indistinct greetings]

You gotta help me! Call the police!

-Someone's after me.
-What?

-What'd you do?
-Nothing!

Some guy, he started chasing me!
I think he's trying to kill me.

[laughs] Ain't nobody there.

He's got the willies.

-Hey, Willie got the willies.
-[laughing]

[Willie] Oh, hell, there he is!

-You're being paranoid.
-[Willie] Maybe.

I ain't sticking around to find out!

-Hey, you forgot one!
-[laughing]

Run, Willie, run!

-Run, Willie, run!
-Run, Willie, run!

[indistinct chatter]

[foreboding music playing]

Willie!

-Willie!
-Where you at?

It's us!

Here's his cart.

[thudding]

Psst. [snaps fingers]

[foreboding music playing]

["It's a Jungle Out There"
by Randy Newman playing]

♪ It's a jungle out there ♪

♪ Disorder and confusion everywhere ♪

♪ No one seems to care ♪

♪ Well, I do, hey, who's in charge here? ♪

♪ It's a jungle out there ♪

♪ Poison in the very air we breathe ♪

♪ Do you know
What's in the water that you drink? ♪

♪ Well, I do, and it's amazing ♪

♪ People think I'm crazy
'Cause I worry all the time ♪

♪ If you paid attention
You'd be worried too ♪

♪ You'd better pay attention
Or this world we love so much ♪

♪ Might just kill you ♪

♪ I could be wrong now ♪

♪ But I don't think so ♪

♪ 'Cause it's a jungle out there ♪

♪ It's a jungle out there ♪

[light music playing]

-Is that your tree?
-Uh-huh.

[Julie] It's cardboard.

Right. No muss, no fuss.

A lot of people are doing it.

Who?

People…

You know, who are me.

Mm.

What do you think?

I think it's sad.

Well, I know it's sad.
I mean, is it straight?

Christmas doesn't mean anything to you?

Not anymore.

Well, why don't you believe
in anything, Mr. Monk?

-What… what are you so afraid of?
-I'll tell you what I think.

I think Mr. Monk has been afraid
of so many things for so many years,

he's afraid of not being afraid.

-What does that mean?
-Think about it.

I'm afraid to.

Honey, will you try this?
Chicken soup.

-It's for the captain.
-What's wrong?

Oh, he's very, very sick.

It's been three or four weeks now.

Yeah, he's got some sort of arthritis.
He can barely walk.

Mm, it's perfect. He's gonna love it.

I'm really worried about him.
I mean, I've known him for 15…

Is that my ladle?

Is that a problem?

No, it's fine. Help yourself.

-[doorbell dings]
-I'll get it.

Wait, I-- may I?

Um, I just thought of something
I want for Christmas.

-[thuds]
-A new ladle.

-[door opens, closes]
-A lock for my utensil drawer.

Uh, Mr. Monk,
these men want to talk to you.

Oh, my god.

Hello. Are you Mr. Monk, the detective?

-Oh, my god.
-[The professor] That's Ike.

That's Reggie.
And they call me the professor.

We asked around.

And they says you was the best.

I'm sorry. I can't help you.

I'm retired.

-As of when?
-[Monk] As of…

"Hello, are you Mr. Monk?"

[chuckles] He's not retired.
He's joking, he's joking.

So would you guys like to have a seat?

No, no, no!

No, that couch doesn't work.

None of these chairs--

Hey, I have an idea.

Uh, why don't we all stand
on some newspaper?

Julie, go get some newspaper.

Everybody hold it in
until we get some newspaper, okay?

Hold what in?

What do you think we're gonna do?

I don't know. I don't know.
Just hold it in. Hold it.

Can we do anything for you, gentlemen?

Last night, a friend of ours was killed.

And we want to hire Mr. Monk
to investigate.

[stammering]

Did you talk to the police?

They really didn't listen, ma'am.

They said it was an accident.

And that Willie-- that's his name,

he climbed into an old refrigerator
to stay warm,

closed the door, and then suffocated.

-[whispers] Accidents.
-But you don't think so.

[Ike] Well, last night, he said
that someone was after him.

Said someone was chasing him.

But we didn't believe him.

-Delusional.
-[The professor] We got money.

You can redeem these anywhere.

It comes to 14 dollars.

Oh! My god!

[Reggie] So what you think?

Uh, you know, Mr. Monk and I
are gonna mull that one over,

uh, but in the meantime,
are you guys hungry?

I just made some soup. A whole pot.

Oh, we'd appreciate it, ma'am.
Thank you, ma'am.

No, just-- excuse me.

[chuckles] Excuse--

[gasps]

Stay. Stay.

Stay right where you are.

Stay! Stay.

What are you doing?
You're not really gonna feed them.

Of course I'm feeding them.
They're hungry.

Oh, Natalie, Natalie, I…

I-I can't take this job.

-Please don't make me take it.
-You have to help them.

Okay, here it comes.

Number one, they have nowhere else to go.

Number two, they collected cans
and bottles to pay your salary.

That's every nickel
they have in the world.

When was the last time
a client offered you

-every nickel they had?
-Excuse me.

-Uh.
-Throwing this away?

You know what, it's all yours.
You keep it.

-Oh, what is this, marble?
-[grunting] I don't know.

I, I, I don't know. Maybe.

Yeah, maybe. Maybe it is. I, I…

Okay, okay, okay, fine.

Fine, fine, don't, don't,
don't touch anything.

You know what? Hey.

Let's take a look at the crime scene.

Here we go.

Everybody outside. Right.
Show me the crime scene.

Out. Outside.

We waited for him all night!

Never came back!

So we were looking for him,
you know, like a search party!

Right there!

We found his shopping cart
right over there!

-Can you even see from there?
-I'm fine.

[Monk] Is that the refrigerator?

-Huh?
-[Monk] is that the refrigerator?

What?

Is that the refrigerator?

Yes, sir.
And then we noticed a piece of clothing,

part of his jacket sticking out.

Protruding, as it were.

So we opened it.

He was kinda stuffed in there.

Face-first.

He was facing away from you?

[Monk] Did you tell that to the police?

Yeah, but they don't listen to us, man.

We're, like, invisible to them.

What'd he say? What?

[Reggie] We're like inv--

They don't see us!

-So then what happened?
-[Ike] He fell out!

Backwards!

Plop!

[quirky music playing]

-What is it?
-There's only one handprint.

[Monk] He wasn't clawing around.

He wasn't panicking.

He was already dead.

No, no, no, I'm not signing off on this
till I talk to the DA.

What was the, uh, victim's name again?

Willie T. That's what they called him.

But nobody knew his real name.

The medical examiner rubber-stamped it,

but we just came from the crime scene.

Randy, it is all wrong.

I think somebody put him
in that refrigerator.

We talked to his bum friends.

His friends. Not his bum friends.

-The ne'er-do-wells.
-They're homeless individuals.

They said somebody
was chasing him last night.

Okay. Well, we'll reopen the case.

I'll call the ME myself.

-Just like that?
-Yeah, just like that.

Oh, Diaz, Diaz,
is that the revised affidavit?

-Uh, I think so.
-Yeah, let's see.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good, make sure this gets to Judge Barr,
not Judge Coleman.

Yes, sir.

-Rookies.
-Wow, Randy, you really are in charge.

Well, when the captain got sick,

-somebody had to step up.
-How's he doing?

We've been trying to call,
but no answer.

That's because he's here.

-He's here?
-He's downstairs on the front desk.

He said he couldn't stand
just sitting around.

Is he okay?

He got here last night.
He won't go home.

It's like he's trying to prove something,
and it's not just his back.

He's in a bad place right now.

[groans] So…

Mrs. Parisi…

Let me get this straight.

You filed a complaint
two and a half weeks ago.

Somebody vandalized your house.

-That's right.
-You said you thought some teenagers

painted this thing on your front door.

[Mrs. Parisi] Uh, this is not a thing.

It's a fountain.

Okay.

So some teenagers painted
this fountain on your front door,

and you want to withdraw
the complaint.

That's right.
It wasn't teenagers. I know that now.

It was God.

It was a sign from God.

God drew a little picture
on your front door.

It was a miracle.

Last summer, I couldn't breathe.

-My lungs were burning.
-She couldn't breathe.

We went to three different doctors.

And then I heard on the news
about the fountain

at the Franklin Park Monastery.

They look just like this.

It was this fountain.

-And when she drank from it…
-I was cured.

She's eating again.

She can sleep.

-It's a miracle.
-It's a miracle.

-It's a miracle.
-It's a miracle.

Yeah.

Write that down. "It's a miracle."

Yeah.

-Can you walk me through this again?
-[Monk] One more time.

Oh, there he is.

[Monk] Hey.

-[Stottlemeyer] Hey.
-How you doing?

I feel like I look.

[Natalie] God,
back problems are the worst.

-What did the doctor say?
-[groans]

I got five doctors.

-And they haven't got a clue.
-[Monk] Oh.

They've got me
on three different medications.

[groans]

I've tried everything. Even this crap.

-What is it?
-I don't know.

It's some kind of organic,
hippie concoction from hell.

My aunt sent me a whole carton of it.

[gags]

Ugh, it tastes like chalk.

What's in it?

Chalk extract…

Captain, why don't you just head on home?

-We got things covered here.
-Oh, no, I can't go home.

Look at all those open cases.

Actually, uh, these ones are all cleared.

We were nine for nine this week.

Nine for nine.

Good job.

I guess I'll just go home.

Not that anybody would notice.

-You think you'll be okay?
-I'm fine.

Oh, except for the alimony I can't afford,

I haven't had a date in two… two years,

and my son, my oldest boy Jared
is not talking to me.

He's with his mother.

He doesn't even pick up the phone.

Merry Christmas.

[gloomy music playing]

-[brakes squeaking]
-[handbrake clicks]

[somber music playing]

[foreboding music playing]

[light music playing]

Was there a sign on your house?

-Yeah.
-Me too.

I was the first one here.

I was in a car accident last year.

I busted my hip.
They said I'd never walk again.

Five weeks ago,
the sign appeared on my garage door.

It said, "drink."

Drink?

Two days later,
I was on a tour group with my church.

We stopped here.

And there it was.

So I drank.

And…

My doctor says it's a miracle.

I think he's right.

I've been telling everyone.

I even went on the 6:00 news, you know.

To spread the word.

Okay.

You're not a believer. I can tell.

Believe me,
I was a lot more skeptical than you.

We all were.

So what do you do? You're selling tickets?
You got a gift shop?

[laughing] No.
There's no gimmick here, my friend.

Nobody's making a nickel on this.

In fact, we're losing money.

We were planning to build some classrooms
right where we're standing.

And now?

Well, we can't build here now.
This is sacred ground.

Mm.

Are you a man of faith?

Um, I was an altar boy,

and I thought I wanted to be a priest
when I was a kid.

Ah. It's never too late.

It's not a one-way street.
You can always go back.

Take a leap.

[gloomy music playing]

[cashier] Thirteen eighty-five.

Uh, it was supposed to be $14.

I counted $14.

These three bottles are from Canada.
We can't accept them.

All set?

The bums ripped me off.

-Canadian bottles.
-Aw.

Why don't you fly up to Vancouver?
You can redeem 'em there.

Fly up to Vancouver?
You know how much that would cost?

I mean, the taxi ride
to the airport alone--

I get it. You're joking.

-[laughs]
-Okay, what's this?

-Flowers for the captain.
-No, no.

I mean these.

-Utensils. New plates.
-Didn't I mention?

I invited a few friends
to your place for Christmas dinner.

I don't have any friends.

Well, they're not really friends.

They're really more clients.

Well, I, I don't have any clients
except the bums.

[clears throat]

I said, I don't have any clients
except for the bums.

[Owen] Captain Stottlemeyer!

Feeling better?

[groans] Not really.

My brother-in-law had a bad back.

You know what fixed it?

-What?
-Acupuncture.

He swears by it.

Been there. Done that.

I've tried everything.

I've tried crystals, acupuncture.

This morning,
I was at the monastery in Franklin Park

drinking water from the fountain.

Oh, yeah, it was on the news.

The miracle fountain.

-Yeah.
-Any luck?

Not yet.

Well, maybe it's a time-release miracle.

-[Owen laughs]
-Yeah.

Say, uh…

are you a religious man?

Can't say that I am.

I only ask 'cause I saw the, uh…

[Owen] Oh, my ex-partner

put that up the day we opened.

Real devil dodger.

Used to go to church every week for years.

Rain or shine.

Till the day he embezzled 18,000 dollars
from me and disappeared.

Of course.

You got a partner?

[laughs] Yes, I do.

Be careful.

-That's all I can tell you.
-Okay.

-You're all set.
-All right.

Merry Christmas.

Okay. Merry Christmas.

[sighs]

-Good morning.
-[Natalie] Good morning.

Sorry I'm late.

What's that?

I forgot the gravy
for Monday night, the big dinner.

You wasted a trip.

They make their own gravy.

Who makes their own gravy?

Bums.

Bums make their own gravy.

What does that even mean?

You don't wanna know.

[alarm clock beeping]

[groans]

[grunts]

[sighs]

[light music playing]

Heavenly father, as you know,
life ain't easy for us.

But we know you're always there,
watching over us.

And we want to thank you
for sending our new friends

Mr. Monk, Natalie,
and Julie into our lives.

And may we remember
our brothers and sisters

less fortunate than ourselves
in this season of giving.

-Amen.
-[Natalie] Amen.

-Amen. Amen.
-Mm.

Mm, this is good.

This stuffing is delicious.

Oh, thank you,
it's my grandmother's recipe.

Mm. I love this gravy.

Uh, usually, we make our own, but…

Excuse me, uh,
could you repeat that about the gravy?

Mm. Usually, we make our own.

Huh. Isn't that interesting?

Natalie, did you hear that?

-Yes. Yes, I did.
-Huh. Interesting.

[Julie] So…

um, why do they you call you
the professor?

Julie, it's probably because
he loves to read

and probably because
he's curious about the world

and other cultures, and…

I eat books.

[Natalie] Oh.

[fork clinks]

[sighs sharply]

Excuse me.

I'm just using my napkin to…

wipe away any food
that might be on my face.

[Monk] I'm just wiping my face.

It's fun.

[mouthing] Come on.

[blows nose]

[Reggie] Ah.

So, uh…

how's our case coming?

Actually, uh, there's been
some progress there.

The medical examiner
changed the cause of death.

It wasn't an accident after all.

Your friend was asphyxiated.

He was drunk?

No, no, no, no, he was suffocated.

-Probably with a plastic bag.
-Oh.

It's good news, actually,

because now, they'll reopen the case.

Well, thank you for that, Mr. Monk.

I mean, we really appreciate that.

It's the best 14 bucks we ever spent.

Yeah, yeah, speaking of money,

uh, it wasn't exactly $14.

Uh, you were a little short.

-Yeah, this, uh…
-[plastic bag rustling]

they wouldn't redeem these three bottles

'cause they are from guess where? Canada.

-Yeah.
-[clears throat]

I mean, it's no big deal.

It's 15 cents.

It's hardly worth mentioning, but…

[foreboding music playing]

Chalk extract.

Have you seen the captain?
We've been calling all night.

[Disher] Well, he's not here.

Why? What's going on?

You remember the homicide I was working?

[Disher] Yeah, homeless guy.

Right. His name was Willie T.

The night he was killed,
he was collecting bottles and cans.

Remember that chalky herbal stuff
the captain was drinking?

There were three bottles of the same drink
in Willie's shopping cart.

Which means that at some point that night

he was in the captain's yard, right?

Huh, that's interesting.

Maybe the captain saw something,
I mean, something…

unusual.

What is that?

-What?
-[Natalie] On your face.

On… on your lip.

It looks a little bit like a mustache.

Well, I'm in charge.
It comes with the job.

Okay, you're making me
a little uncomfortable.

You're making me a little uncomfortable.

Anyways, guys, the captain's gone.

You're too late.

He came in yesterday,
he grabbed some stuff, and he just left.

For how long?

He didn't say.

[sighs]

[light music playing]

[door squeaks open]

[light music playing]

I won't need these anymore.

Uh, excuse me, what's going on?

The fountain is blessed.

[man] Exodus 23.

"And ye shall serve the lord your god.

And he shall bless thy bread
and thy water.

And I will take the sickness
from amidst thee."

Okay, we're looking
for a friend of ours, uh…

[Monk] They found his car
parked out front.

I haven't seen him. Sorry.

Mr. Monk, look at all these people.

They really believe in it.

Well, they're people.
They'll believe anything.

Mr. Monk, you should try it.

You should drink from the fountain.

You can't be serious.

You're in so much pain
all the time.

What if there's something to it?

You know? I mean, anything's possible.

That's not exactly true.

A lot of things
are what we call impossible.

-It's the opposite of possible.
-I get it.

I'll give you an example. Um…

This.

Hallelujah!

Excuse me, um,
we're looking for a friend of ours.

-Leland.
-He was here.

He still is.

[choir singing]

-[Natalie] Wow, it's beautiful.
-Is it?

If you say so.

Hello.

I'm brother Andrew.

Oh, hi.

I'm Natalie Teeger,
and this is Adrian Monk.

[Natalie laughs]

Mr. Monk and the monk.

Sorry. Are you allowed to laugh?

We've been known to chuckle.

We're looking for a friend of ours,
Leland Stottlemeyer.

Oh, yes, brother Leland.

Brother Leland?

Uh, can we talk to him?

I'm afraid that's not possible.

Brother Leland has taken a vow of silence.

Well, could we just see him?

We won't say a word.

We're investigating this homicide.
It's very, very important.

Well, you may go,

but I'm afraid, Miss Teeger,
you're not permitted

beyond the foyer.

Continue down the hall
and up the stairs, Mr. Monk.

[light music playing]

Captain?

-Captain?
-Shh.

Sorry. I'm just looking for…

Shh!

…a friend of mine.

-Here's the thing.
-Shh!

-Here's the thing.
-Shh!

-Here's the thing.
-Shh!

-Here's the--
-Shh!

-Here's the--
-Shh!

-Here's the--
-Shh!

-Here's--
-Shh.

Shh.

-Here's--
-Shh!

-Here's--
-Shh!

-Here's the thing.
-Shh!

-Here's the thing.
-Shh!

-Here's--
-Shh!

-Here's--
-Shh! Shh!

Shh!

-It doesn't matter.
-Shh!

[whispers] Captain?

Cap--

Leland?

[gasps] Are you okay?

Look, I'm sorry to bother you,

-but I need--
-Shh!

It's about the--

[whispers] Bum.

Bum.

The bum who was…

killed.

He was at your house

the night he was murdered.

Did you see him?

Leland.

Why are you here?

The ceiling?

It's beautiful.

God? God.

He spoke to you?

What did he say?

[gloomy music playing]

[Julie] "My dear friends,
drinking from that fountain

has healed me, not just physically,
spiritually too.

I have made a decision.

I am leaving on Thursday morning,
Christmas day,

to spend two years
at a mission in Carmona, Spain,

to cleanse myself and start anew."

Two years?

"I want everyone to know

I am not running away from anything.

I'm running toward something.

Something true and wonderful.

God bless you all,

brother Leland."

And here's his badge.

Two years?

That's almost three years.

Without the captain?

What am I supposed to do?

It's almost as if
he didn't even consider me.

Well, maybe he knows what he's doing.

Yeah. Maybe we should be happy for him.

Yeah.

Okay. [chuckles weakly]

Okay. Let me try.

[laughs]

No, that's not gonna happen.

Mr. Monk, why don't you try it?

-Try what?
-Drinking from the fountain.

It worked for the captain.

-I don't think so.
-Oh, god, Mr. Monk, come on.

You have to believe in something.

I don't know what I'd do
if I didn't think I'd see Mitch again.

What, you mean in heaven?

Of course in heaven!

Where'd you think I was going?

Well, you know, the drinking,
and you kissed a leper.

You think I'm going to hell?

-She kissed a leper.
-Mr. Monk, seriously.

Seriously, deep down,
in your heart of hearts,

don't you believe
that you'll see Trudy again?

You know what? Come on.

We'll be back in an hour.
Don't open any presents.

What? Where are we going?

This can count as my Christmas gift.

Where are we going?

You look thirsty.
I think you need a drink.

[Monk] What? Oh, no.

[foreboding music playing]

-[light switch clicks]
-Katie?

What are you doing here?

I told you we can't be seen together.

You're going to ruin everything.

Are you going somewhere?

I… I can't do it anymore, Owen.

I'm sorry.

These people,
they're coming from all over now,

and some of them are really sick.

-So, what?
-You're not there.

They're… they're throwing
their medicine away.

They really believe in the fountain.

That was the whole idea.

I promise I won't tell anyone.

I just want to get away.

-Don't be a child!
-Oh!

Nobody's going anywhere.

You and I both know
what's under that fountain.

You're in this now.

We're both in it.

Understand?

[whimpers]

Don't worry, darling.

It's almost over.

[foreboding music playing]

[light music playing]

-I can't do it.
-Oh, Mr. Monk, come on.

-I can't.
-Please.

-Look, there's the captain's cane.
-Yeah, it's part of the ritual,

because he didn't need it anymore.
Please drink.

[Natalie sighs]

[foreboding music playing]

-Natalie…
-What? What is it?

These pills…

Half the bottles-- more than half…

are from the same pharmacy.

There's something wrong here.

-Here. Just put this in your bag.
-Yeah.

Let's put… let's take some more.

What are you doing?

I'm sorry, ma'am.
I'm afraid you have to stay back.

-This may be a crime scene.
-A crime scene?

Conspiracy. Probably fraud.

It isn't fraud. It was murder.

This has gone on long enough.

It wasn't me.

I didn't even know him then.

Nine years ago,
my fiance caught his business partner

stealing money, and killed him.

Your fiance?

Owen McCloskey.

He filled those prescriptions.

The pharmacist.

[Gregorian chant]

[Monk] Captain.

Captain.

Captain, you can't go to Spain…

[Natalie] Without knowing the truth.

Shh!

It wasn't a miracle.

The water, the fountain,
it was all a hoax.

[Natalie] I'm sorry, Captain.

[Monk] It was the pharmacist,
Owen McCloskey.

He killed Willie T.

[chanting]

[Monk chanting] ♪ Here's what happened ♪

♪ McCloskey killed his partner ♪

♪ And buried him here ♪

♪ Nine years later ♪

♪ Planning to renovate ♪

♪ Body would be discovered ♪

[Natalie chanting]
♪ He couldn't dig up the body ♪

♪ They had built a fountain there ♪

[Monk]
♪ He had to stop them from digging ♪

♪ He started changing
Their prescriptions ♪

♪ To make his patients sicker ♪

[Natalie]
♪ That's why you never got better ♪

[Monk] ♪ He did it to everyone ♪

♪ He painted that sign on your door ♪

♪ Willie the bum ♪

♪ Must have seen him ♪

♪ That's why McCloskey killed him ♪

[monks] ♪ Amen ♪

[sighs]

So he was messing
with everybody's medication.

Making us all sicker.

And then he sent us to that fountain.

That's it.

So after we drank,

he'd give us some real medication…

[laughs] …making us all feel better.

And it worked.

The fountain became a shrine,
a sacred place.

Yeah. Which, of course,
they would never dig up.

Well, so much for miracles.

Thank you, Mr. Monk.

This is the best Christmas I can remember.

Yeah. I was just doing my job.

[Reggie] No, it wasn't just that.

Thanks for the caring.

Well, the caring part was mostly Natalie.

We, uh, we wanted to give you something.

[Ike] We made it ourselves.

It's gravy.

I can't take that.

No, we insist.

After all you've done for us.

No, he means he literally can't take it.

I got it, though.
Thank you so much. Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas.

Thank you so much.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas.

What?

[overlapping chatter]

McCloskey's already talking.

We're digging up
the fountain tomorrow too.

I'm sorry you had to go through all that.

I'm not.

How's that?

I'm not sorry.

[chuckles] I know it's all a hoax.

I know it's a big con game, but…

[laughs] …it felt real.

That's all I can say.

Randy, when I drank that water,
something happened.

It was like a slate
inside me was wiped clean

and I started over.

[sighs, chuckles] It felt great.

[sighs]

Hey, you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna call my son.

Oh, no, no, hang on. Wait a minute.

Um, I almost forgot.

This is for you.

Merry Christmas.

[cell phone rings]

[laughs] Jared, hey!

I was just about to call you.

Yeah, I love you too.

It's a razor.

Is this for me?

Shave it.

Oh, I-- oh, I'd love to see you.

I'm-- I'm free all weekend.

That'd be great.

-What if I grow a little goatee instead?
-No.

Uh, Friday, yeah.

Friday night, I'll pick you up
at the airport.

What about sideburns?
I could do sideburns.

Probably down
to the bottom of my ear.

-[Disher] Mutton chops.
-No.

Hey, look, um, Friday night,
I'll meet you at the airport.

Soul patch.
I can do a soul patch right there.

Really?

What… what's her name?

Awesome. I mean, that-- that's great.

Cool.

-[Disher] I'll meet you in the car.
-[Stottlemeyer] Right then.

[light music playing]

[theme music playing]