Original subtitles

(orchestral tuning)

(glass shattering)

(light chime music)

(chime tones)

(ethereal instrumental music)

(upbeat pop music)

♫ I want a man hotter than a hot frying pan

♫ Searing up a sizzlin' steak

♫ I'll be burnin' on low on your back burner baby

♫ Taking long as it will it take

♫ While I simmer

♫ Bring me to a second boil

♫ I love your secret recipe

♫ You make me simmer

♫ With a little more oil

♫ Teach me something culinary

♫ I have wined and dined in all the fine places, baby

♫ Five-star restaurants

♫ Eating out has always been my favorite thing

♫ And you know just what this lady wants

♫ Come on and simmer

♫ Bless your shish kebab

♫ Your pressure cooker makes my day

♫ Come on and simmer

♫ Stay on the job

♫ I need a little taste of your saute

♫ Come on and simmer

♫ How you fricassee

♫ You always leave me wantin' more

♫ Come on and simmer

♫ Now give it to me

♫ You always leave me wantin' more

♫ You always leave me wantin' more

♫ You always leave me wantin' more

(cheering and clapping)

(drumhit)

(light music)

- I have known these ladies for five years,

and I don't think one day has gone by

without Rebecca saying something about Susan.

(chuckling)

- That's true.

- That's good, and do you Susan take Rebecca

(chuckling)

to honor, and respect, and enjoy?

By the power vested in me,

by the state of California,

I now pronounce you

- Well?

- Married.

(chuckles)

(light music)

- Aww.

(applause)

- Here's to a toast, yeah. - A toast, a toast!

- [Woman] I have a toast.

- Aww.

- To

Rebecca and

what's-her-name Susan.

(laughing)

Rebecca was my first love,

so this is my farewell toast.

I bid you farewell.

Don't forget I taught her everything she knows.

(laughing) - [Woman] Ooh!

- [Susan] I thank you.

- [Ex] Best of luck, Becca, Susan.

And, uh, you know, we'll see six months from now.

- I so excited.

(clink)

- That's nice.

- See you later, buddy.

- Careful. - Ooh!

- Nice one.

(laughing)

Do you know how much that stuff costs?

(laughing)

- I found out Susan's pregnant,

and, um, they're gonna name the godparent tonight.

I think it's gonna be me.

- Yeah, I agree,

if they want the baby to have fashion advice from someone.

- To love.

- To love. - To love.

- Cheers, cheers. - Cheers.

- [Man] Cheers.

- You guys, Susan and I would just like to,

(sighs) my wife (laughs).

- Finally.

- We would just like to thank you guys for being here.

I mean, this is what it's all about.

I mean, you're our family.

- [Susan] Also, just being here on

what was a moment's notice.

- Because of Proposition 8 looming over our heads,

and The Family just being all up in our business.

- And, uh, and even though it probably won't pass,

we just thought that we should do it.

- Just in case. - Just in case.

- So, thank you. - Thank you.

- And also, to our amazing Paul

who pretty much orchestrated

this whole evening. - Cheers.

(cheering and clapping) - So, thank you.

He insisted, and took care of every little detail.

You know Paul.

- [All] To Paul.

- And, uh, Paul this is for you from us.

(interested murmurs)

(chuckling)

- Oh.

- [Woman] Open it, open it.

- Wow, um, okay.

Oh, what the heck. (laughing)

Oh my god.

Ladies and ladies.

(laughing)

I've just been asked to be this

glorious couple's first child's godparent.

(clapping)

- Paul is gonna make the worst godparent ever.

- Yes, he's not going to be very good at all.

(clapping)

- [Woman] It was a great space already,

we just needed to clean out a little.

- You spilled.

- [Woman] I'm good, I'm drinking some.

- Oops.

- You know, Paul, I think

you are going to make the best godparent ever.

Congratulations.

- Thank you.

- Ladies are the most faithful,

ladies and seahorses are the most faithful.

(upbeat pop music) (party chatter)

- Do you know that guy?

(soft chattering)

- Don't look. - Don't look.

(laughing) (soft chattering)

- Terry, you need to calm down.

Have some fun.

Are you drinking?

Drink more.

- Oh for god's sakes, just ask him out.

(clears throat)

What are you taking now?

Paul.

- Terry thought he was gonna be named a godparent.

- Oh no, you are kidding me.

I told,

I told Susan not to tell anybody, especially Terry,

'cause he can't keep a secret.

Is he hurt?

- I beat Terry. (laughing)

- You're terrible.

Here, it's an early birthday present.

(gasping)

Yeah!

- Rebecca.

Thank you.

- Her 10th farewell performance.

- Yeah, you know what, you should ask Jim to go.

I know he's a complete Miss Piggy B freak, too.

I think you guys would really hit it off.

You should ask him.

Paul, grow some big ones and go ask him out.

- You know I can't be in a relationship right now.

My work takes up all of my time,

and keeping up with this house,

and I'm way too set in my ways,

and I think I'm allergic to Lycra.

- Well, there's a pussy on this couch, and it ain't me.

(laid-back music) (soft chattering)

- [Man] Great speech.

(gasping)

- [Paul] Oh no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- [Woman] Don't worry.

- [Waitor] Here you go.

- Thank you, thank you. - Yes, no problem.

You dropped that, yes.

(laughing)

- At least it wasn't red wine.

- I don't allow red wine in the house.

It stains.

- Well, I just love, love, love your home.

It kind of reminds me of Tomorrow Land.

- That's the best compliment ever.

I loved your ceremony.

- Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

So, Paul, Rebecca tells me you haven't

had a relationship since high school.

How does that make you feel?

- Um.

Just fine.

- Well, it was great to finally meet you, Paul.

Here's my card.

Call me anytime.

Rebecca put me up to this (chuckles).

- Thank you.

(laid-back rhythmic music)

(gasping)

(paper rustles)

I have tickets.

- Oh!

Wow, um, that's great.

I'm actually producing the event.

Well, I just wanted to come by and say hi before I left.

You know, Rebecca says so much great things about you.

She really loves you,

which means you must not be that bad, because she's great.

Well, I guess, I guess I'll see you around.

Great place.

- Yeah, the um.

(laughing)

- He didn't hear you say that.

- Paul.

- Be quiet.

(bright piano music)

- [Peggy B] And when I was 36 years old,

I thought my life was over.

Life hadn't gone the way that I planned

and I thought I was through.

After years of trying to make something of myself,

I had to wonder,

is that it?

Is that all I get?

♫ Is that it

♫ Is that all I get

♫ I want more

♫ More than before

♫ If that's it

♫ If that's all I get

- So what now, Margo?

(phone ringing)

- [Susan] Paul?

Paul, it's your father.

- Hmm?

- [Susan] It's your father.

- Dad?

- Have you heard from your mother?

- What?

- Your Mom.

I mean, the car could break down, she could get lost,

she could end up in a ditch on the side of the road.

I mean, the woman has the worst

sense of direction of anybody I know,

even after I got her that expensive GPS navigation system

in that overpriced car of hers.

I mean, she barely knows - Dad, Dad.

- How to turn it on. - Dad.

You're scaring me.

- I'm sorry, I'm, I'm sure she's fine.

She left today

to, to drive out to see you.

Just don't worry about her.

I'm sure she's fine.

How was Rebecca and Susan's wedding?

(Paul sighs)

- [Paul] It was perfect.

- Yeah?

Good.

Paul, um,

you ever think that maybe you might wanna get married?

- Well, I don't know, Dad.

Mom doesn't exactly approve, and

I mean.

(scoffs)

- Well, I just want you to know that I'd support you, son,

with all my heart,

and I'm sure your mother does, too.

So, it's late, I'm gonna let you go,

but, um, but, listen, don't tell your mother I called, okay?

I know she wants to surprise you herself in person.

- Okay, Dad.

- Well, just, um,

I love you Paulie.

- I love you.

- Goodnight, son.

- I can't believe it.

My dad just said that my mom is coming to visit me,

and that he and my mother support me

if I ever want to get married.

- Wow.

- This is really a big deal.

- Cool.

- Wow.

(upbeat instrumental music) (clapping)

- Milly here runs her own very successful company

that deals with multimillion dollar deals,

but

she is a virgin.

She has only had one relationship in high school,

and she is very

very

unhappy.

- (sobbing) Nobody loves me.

- You're obviously a huge mess.

Have you ever thought about any kind of therapy?

- No.

- What is your professional opinion of this Dr. Christina?

(clapping)

- I think Milly's a complete mess.

Most likely needs a long-time commitment to my help.

Possibly everyday for the rest of her life.

I think Milly should call the number on the screen.

Otherwise, she might as well.

(laughing) Just to say hi.

- [Man On TV] Come to the Happy Garden.

Happy Garden in Long Beach.

This week's special, (phone rings)

Kung Pao chicken.

It's yummy, try it. (beeping)

- Dr. Christina (clears throat),

this is Paul Roll here.

I need to make an appointment with you real soon,

I don't,

I don't want to be in therapy for the rest of my life,

so can you call me back,

please?

Thank you.

Please, please.

- Is he your new American boyfriend?

- Don't be stupid.

He sounded gay.

(TV chatter in foreign language)

(crying)

(phone rings)

- [Answering Machine] Hello, please leave a message

after the tone. (beeps)

- [Paul] Dr. Christina, I don't wanna die alone...

- He sounded gay. (crying on answering machine)

(TV chatter in foreign language)

(snoring)

Stupid. - Stupid.

(thunder rumbles) (rain falling)

- Oh for god sakes, come on!

(crying)

Oh please!

(thunder rumbles)

Okay.

Where am I?

- [GPS] Please relocate.

- Where am I? - [GPS] Please relocate.

(sobbing)

(thunder rumbles) (rain falling)

(gasping)

(knocking)

- Need some help, honey?

(rain falling)

(knocking)

(glass shatters)

(knocking)

- Where have you been?

I've been calling you!

Oh my god, you look like shit.

(door thuds)

- [Paul] What are you doing?

- We're getting you dressed.

We're going to meet the gang for lunch.

Oh my god, you have nothing to wear.

We've gotta do something about this.

- What's wrong with my clothes?

- Here, take this, ugh.

That'll do.

And hurry up.

(ethereal instrumental music)

- [Rebecca] All you have to do, a little.

- [Terry] Miss Drama Queen over there.

- [Rebecca] All you have to do is focus on what you want,

right?

(chattering and laughter) (sad contemplative music)

- [Rachel] Listen, all you have to do, a little...

- Miss Drama queen over here.

- [Rachel] All you have to do is focus on what you want,

right?

- [Sara] The point is, there are just some people...

(chattering) (contemplative music)

(gasps)

- I want to get married.

- Good! - Okay!

This is wonderful! - No, okay.

- [Terry] Not okay.

- Yes, it is okay.

Okay, at least you're starting to know

what it is you want, right?

I think it's great.

I mean, you're gonna have to hurry because, you know,

the latest polls show that Proposition 8 is going to pass.

- How can this happen in this day and age?

- Terry, you and Paul live in your perfect little bubble,

but the truth is there are some people

who just don't want us here.

And they're not gonna do anything to make it easy.

- Yes, like Wisconsin.

- Better hurry up then.

- Guys, listen, in reality he's not gonna be able

to get married in the next

couple of days. - Listen,

everybody has their own process, right?

Especially Paul. - Please stop with this.

Don't encourage this crazy fool

anymore than he's already crazy.

- All I know is that when I finally let go

of the idea of what was supposed to make me happy...

- Don't listen to her, okay?

- I found happiness.

- Where did you buy your vanilla candles?

- Okay, look, I'm trying to tell a story here, okay.

You know, sometimes if you,

if you hang onto something so tight,

I don't know, you just, it could end up

slipping right through your fingers, you know.

- Hey.

Oh hey, Jim!

- We're late.

- [Jim] Yeah, are you guys coming, or what?

- Oh yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

- You guys, we're organizing a big rally.

Sorry, we gotta go. (chuckling)

- [Rebecca] You guys I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. (soft chattering)

Let's go. - He'll be fine.

(soft chattering) Oh, it's okay.

- Don't leave.

Oh, he's handsome.

- Who do you think that gorgeous man was?

- I don't know, I think maybe it was Jim's boyfriend.

- Then why did Rebecca try to set us up?

- Maybe she didn't know, I don't know.

That's what it looked like to me.

Oh, did your heart break?

- Forget him! (sharp smacking)

I'm gonna get married by next Tuesday.

- Oh my god.

♫ I'm in the mood for something creamy

♫ And a gentlemen who's dreamy

♫ He better come quick

♫ He better not be late

♫ 'Cause I'm looking for a date

♫ So mix a creamy cocktail for me

♫ While I wait

♫ While I wait

(bright instrumental music)

♫ You've got lots of cash for some fun

- Whoa.

♫ I'm feeling so fine like a great machine

♫ So shoot me out a cocktail with lots of

♫ Cream

♫ I'm in the mood for something creamy

♫ And a handsome man who's dreamy

♫ You better come quick

♫ You better not be late

- You're hot, dude.

(laughing)

♫ So mix a creamy cocktail for me

♫ While I wait

♫ I'm in the mood for something creamy

♫ And a gentleman who's dreamy

♫ Better come quick

♫ He better not be late

♫ 'Cause I'm lookin' for a date

♫ So mix a creamy cocktail for me

♫ While I wait

(grunting)

♫ While I wait

- Okay, thanks. - Oh, yeah.

Can, uh, can we play right here, yeah?

- Um, sure.

- All right. - Okay.

(garbled yelling)

(gasping) (urine splatters)

(whimpering)

(coughing)

- Ooh!

Whoa, did I say somethin' wrong, man?

♫ Love

♫ will never

♫ find me

♫ When you walked away

♫ You took my last hope for romance

(crying)

♫ Love will never

♫ find me

(crying)

- My couch.

(crying)

I was just calling

to tell you

that I've been peed on,

and I think my couch might be ruined.

(crying)

Everything in my life is fucked.

- Poor, poor, Paul.

He's life is fucked.

(crying)

- Pee?

- Go, if you have to pee, stupid.

Don't pay attention, you just hear pee.

Stupid.

(sharp thudding) - Ow!

(brakes squeal)

- [Doll] I love you.

- What the?

♫ And my patience is wearin' thin

♫ Can't you understand the state I'm in

- Mom? - Hello, honey.

- Hey, I'm glad you called.

Where are you?

- You know, a little oasis out in the desert.

It's, it's just really lovely.

You know, flowers everywhere.

The bed was just a little bit firm,

but I honestly can't wait to tell all my friends about it.

I-I'm just, hold on.

- Dad, Dad freaked me out and called me

and was asking me where you were at all this kind of stuff,

so I just wanted to make sure that you were okay.

- Really, really, well, (chuckles)

yes, I am, I am on my way to see you, dear,

but it was supposed to be a surprise.

- [Paul] He also told me that you had something to tell me.

- [Tootsie] Now, where's my purse?

- Did you check the back seat?

- No, but.

- Yeah, I know, it's incredible.

We got Miss Piggy B to perform, I know, it's amazing.

(brakes squeal)

- Oh, fudge. - I love you.

I love you. - I'm sorry your father

got you worried over nothing.

- [Doll] I love you.

(horn beeps)

- Give me a break.

- What was that, dear?

- What's he doin'?

♫ And the arms that beg for you

♫ Wishing you would need me too

- Listen, Paul, don't tell your father

that you talked to me, okay?

I, you know what, I am, um, taking a little detour.

I need to find something for our anniversary.

- [Paul] But your anniversary

isn't for another six months, Mom.

- No, well, and I found my purse,

safe and sound.

- Um, Mom, I'm gonna have to go.

- Paul?

- Love you, miss you, bye.

- For heaven sakes.

Oh, excuse me, excuse me, sir!

Sir, oh! (clattering)

Do you know where I can get some nice breakfast?

Oh, god, I guess he didn't hear me.

(clattering)

(banjo strumming)

Oh, god.

Oh.

- She dropped somethin'.

- I think she did.

I think it's kind of a flat thing.

- What is going on?

Oh.

- Oh, come on!

Open it!

Look!

It's so you can finally have a boyfriend.

- [Doll] I want to get married.

I want to get married.

I want to get married.

- What am I doing?

- [Doll] You're the most beautiful man in the world.

(soft chattering)

(whistling) (cheering)

(chuckling)

- You go girl.

What's up, lady?

Ah, I need a mommy.

- [Man] Put it all on black.

(soft chattering)

- Ben Crawford, Jordan Stone are with Miss Deborah Anderson.

Jonathan Tate is the big daddy behind the whole ball of wax.

He's a billionaire that's B, not M.

- This is totally in your corner now, okay?

Besides the new logo, Tess and I came up with

a mockup commercial with all their new

sickening sweet specifications.

You got this now, okay?

- Yes. - Well, if they have

that much money, then we can handle anything.

- Let's take that money.

- We got this. (chuckling)

Ow.

- Time is money, Mr. Roll.

- Yes, I totally agree, Miss Anderson,

and that is why we here at Roll Advertising

have painstakingly created a mockup commercial

that can be run all over the country.

(uplifting inspiring music)

- The way it should be.

I like it.

But, I need you to tell me why I should hand over

a five million dollar contract to Roll Advertising.

- By the time that I was 21 years of age,

I was in charge of...

- I am well aware of your background, Mr. Roll,

otherwise I wouldn't be sittin' here.

- Yes, of course.

Roll Advertising is a boutique agency.

Now, we take on only clients we feel we can represent

with the fullest confidence.

The bottom line is

your company does not get lost in the shuffle

like it would with a large firm.

Now, I know because I used to work with that kind of firm.

It is being handheld by me

all the way through its process.

We listen to what you want,

we deliver on time,

within budget, and

we can take on requests that sometimes seem

a little impossible.

We love a good challenge.

- Call me Deborah.

- We were a little concerned with our first impression

of Mr...

- Let's just say that we weren't sure

that you could grasp our vision,

but we see that now that we've met you, Paul,

that you do understand us.

This ad campaign is backed by a very wealthy gentleman,

and it has a very strong agenda.

- Yes, Jonathan Tate.

- I think you are the perfect man for the job.

We'll be in touch, Paul.

We need somethin' done ASA

P.

(balls clack) (twangy country music)

(slot machine beeps)

(coins clank)

- You all right, honey?

- Yes, I just, uh, need to sit for a minute.

I just had the, uh, lovely buffet.

- Sometimes it has that effect on people.

(slot machine beeps)

- I don't suppose you would know where I could purchase

a cell phone?

- What's with all the pay phones disappearing everywhere?

(coins clank)

Maybe the gift shop, sweetie.

I don't have one.

Personally, I prefer to be not that easy to find.

(slot machine beeps)

- Can I get you something?

- Oh, you know you can get me something, Lucy.

I'll have my usual, and why don't you give my friend here

something for her stomach.

She had the buffet.

(gong rings)

(shamisen playing)

- [Terry] Why are we eating here?

- [Paul] I just had this craving for kung pao chicken

for some reason.

- At the Happy Garden?

- Mm-hmm.

- Well, time is money, Mr. Roll.

(chuckles) She's quite a piece of work.

You do realize who this people are, don't you?

- Yep, they're clients.

- Well, what if they want us to do yes

on the Prop 8 campaign?

- Terry, for all we know they just want us to do

these sappy little ads, some email blasts,

I mean, look, come on, we live in California,

and it's, it's, it's 2008.

Proposition 8 is never going to pass.

- Anyway, I almost died when Rebecca mentioned them

at the wedding.

- Look.

I told you.

Bonuses for everybody.

- I'm already shuffling.

I like him.

- Hmm, you can have him.

- Look.

- [Doll] I love you. (chuckles)

- I just can't believe it.

What's wrong?

This means everything is gonna be fine.

We, we can expand the business.

We can hire more people.

This is everything you dreamed of.

- Mm-hmm.

- I've got an idea, you're gonna love this.

- Oh, I'm going to take relationship advice

from a guy who thinks that a date

is a guy showing up at three in the morning

wearing nothing but a jockstrap and holding a dildo?

Mm-mmh.

- Egg rolls,

kung pao chicken. - Thanks.

- Chow mein.

Rice

for two.

(shamisen playing)

Yum.

- Alright, thank you.

- Tea?

- I'm good.

- Um.

- [Waitress] Soda?

- Uh. - Uh, no, I think that...

- Hot sake? - I'm fine, thank you.

- Do you have, um, Sauvignon blanc?

I'd like a glass of that, thanks.

(shamisen playing)

Well, you know what,

Rebecca's gonna wonder where we got this money from.

And if she finds out we're working for The Family,

she's gonna kill us.

- [Paul] Well, she's never going to find out

unless you tell her.

(shamisen music)

- What is in this drink?

I feel just fine now.

(giggles)

You know, there is something so wonderfully addictive

and hypnotic about putting all this money

and then watching all the little pictures whiz by.

- Atta girl.

(coins clank)

- I wanna thank you for the other night.

(slot machine beeps)

- The other night?

- You were the one who came to my rescue

by the side of the road.

- Oh, it was nothin', honey.

(coins clank) (chuckling)

- $300!

$300, I have never won anything in my life.

All right, I gotta call Gregory. (chuckles)

But I still need to get a phone.

- You better get a room while you're at it.

You're not drivin' anywhere,

and call your hubby.

(slot machine beeps)

- [Tootsie] Hi, this is Tootsie.

I'm sorry I can't come to the phone.

I'm probably out shopping or maybe something more important.

Just leave a message...

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Ah-hah.

(slow guitar strumming)

(spaghetti western music)

What ya got there, little lady?

- Hey, what you doin' there messin' with my baby girl?

- I-I'm sorry.

- Oh, come on, honey.

- No, that looks like my wife's cell phone.

Have you seen a woman by herself, um,

mid 40s? - Yep,

I think we saw a little car down the ways broken down.

- Could, could you take me there?

We, we could take my car.

- Yeah, I think we could take you there.

I think that'd be real nice.

Don't you think that'd be real nice, baby girl?

- Come on. - We could take him

for a ride, couldn't we?

We could take 'em for a real good ride.

Come on, sweetie pie.

(train signal chimes) - Put in the number, press

prog.

(train whistle blows)

Put in number, press Prog.

Okay.

(horn blows)

- Here, let me do it. - No, this is it.

- [Gregory] Otherwise you will be here all day.

- No, it's supposed...

- If you want to get Paulie's number in here,

it's very simple, now watch.

You go to your memory, open that up,

so you're gonna add a new in your menu.

(train chugs)

- Well, you lie.

Okay, I'm done.

(horn beeps)

Stupid phone.

It won't call anybody, it won't talk to anybody.

I'm done.

(sighs) Maybe I could try a new phone.

- [Man On Right] Restaurant down there,

they got some good stuff.

- Do they have any pickles? - Are you sure

we're in the right place, guys?

- I don't know, we'll have to find out

if they got any pickles.

(banjo strumming)

Come November, I think I'm gonna get a job again,

and that'll be real good.

- I'm gonna get some turkey.

- But the road ends, I mean, there's nothing out here, guys.

- [Man] Yep, we're in the right place, aren't we, baby girl?

- [Woman] We're in the right place.

- Why don't you show him what you got?

Yeah, that's real good, just point it at him.

- Ah, okay, okay.

- Now, huh, what we need from you.

- Yeah?

- Is we need that there watch.

I like that ring.

- I like his pants.

- And baby girl likes your pants.

(yelling) (western music)

- Damn it!

(slow western music)

(train chugs)

(horn beeps)

(chuckling)

- I gotta call somebody.

(railroad crossing bell dings)

(laid back guitar music)

(jazzy instrumental music)

- I just can't believe Rebecca would do something like that.

- I don't like him anyway, he's one of those.

- One of those what?

- He's one of those humanitarian types

that wants to save the planet.

- What's wrong with that?

(phone rings)

Can you, uh, can you get me the phone, please?

(phone rings) (jazzy instrumental music)

This is Paul.

- Hello, honey.

- Can you cover yourself up?

- She can't see us.

- Um, Mom, are you there?

- Yeah, listen, I just wanted to let you know I'm going to

be a few more. - Hello?

- I'm, I'm having lunch with some friends at this very,

very quaint little restaurant.

- Hello, hello?

- Paul?

Can you hear me?

- Hmm.

(gasps)

(soft chattering)

I am so sorry.

Do you mind?

Honestly, this has never happened before.

I'm really, really sorry, really apologize.

I'll get you some napkins.

- Hello?

Hello, hello?

- Come on, now clean him up.

- Hello, hello? - Especially his little bits.

(jazzy instrumental music)

(razor buzzes)

- Are you sure this is what guys want?

I look like a prepubescent boy.

- Well, at least something looks young.

- Very funny.

What?

I'm not wearing any socks with my loafers, like you.

- Yeah, mine are Prada, yours are boring.

(fabric rips)

(panting)

- Here ya go, honey.

- Thanks, Lucy. (chuckles)

(laid-back country music)

I don't mean to pry, but

why do you always wear sunglasses?

- Long story, honey.

Long story.

So what's a rich, uptight lady like you

doing in a hellhole like this?

(laid-back country music)

I have to get up real close, so I can see you.

(laid-back country music)

- Well, what did you, uh, see there?

You raised an eyebrow.

- So you ran off just like little Dorothy Gale

tryin' to figure out what's on the other side

of the rainbow.

I'd say you got pissed off with your hubby,

and ran off to be with your son.

- My fuckface of a husband.

- I stand corrected.

Your fuckface of a husband.

- You know, Gregory has these primitive ideas

about having to do everything for me,

till one day I realized I didn't know how to do anything,

balance a checkbook,

program that damn navigational device he got for me,

nothing.

And my son,

my son is gay.

- And you have a little problem with that?

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no,

I, uh, I don't have a problem with that at all.

I am a very, very open-minded, modern woman, I am.

- Bullshit.

That's what you want people to think,

but deep down you still have those old feelings

that were drilled into you

when you were a little Catholic girl.

(laid-back country music)

I wish my son wasn't gay.

(sighs)

Yeah.

I thought I was the most amazing mom,

waving the rainbow flag,

hanging out at gay bars,

and then I realized I just wasn't that comfortable

with it all.

I was raised in a very strict, religious home.

You know, this whole marriage thing is just crazy.

When I had Paul,

I swore I would not impose on him the

structure that was imposed on me.

I took him to synagogues,

Buddhist temples,

oh, we even went to a Roman mass one Sunday.

That was his favorite.

He just loved all the robes.

- That should've given you a clue right there.

Sweetie, I've done a lot of livin',

and one thing I've learned,

and it's all so very simple,

it's all about L-O-V-E.

Lucy, two more shots of tequila.

- You know, and how 'bout one of those cigarettes?

You know, when I was in college,

my sorority sisters and I, um, shared one.

(coughing)

That's (coughing)

yeah. (glasses clink)

Oh, yeah.

- [Terry] So, remember, relax, don't be nervous.

- Okay.

- When you first meet them, be really funny,

say something witty, like, straight off the back,

drop a joke, and be really playful.

- Okay, playful, funny, wait, no,

funny, funny then playful. - Sexy.

Charming.

- Okay.

- And passionate. - Passionate.

- And don't be geeky or ugly.

You're gonna be great actually.

- Allright.

- You're looking really handsome tonight.

- Thanks.

- And that was sincere.

Me being sincere.

What are you taking now?

- Just some decongestants.

My allergies are going crazy right now.

- Don't be ridiculous.

- No, wait, don't.

- That's better.

- Shouldn't I be able to see the guys and breathe?

- Go.

Go get 'em, tiger.

(car beeps)

(soft chattering)

- Hi. - Hi, what's up?

- Well, welcome to the first ever bar dating night

at the Silver Fox.

Here is some stuff for you to fill out and.

- Thank you.

- Um, yeah.

- Yep. - Okay.

(soft chattering)

- Oh my god, come on. - Oh, get in there

and have a good time.

We're gonna be... - Let's get a drink.

- We're not gonna be a problem, right?

- He's just a little bit scared and bit nervous.

- Well, oh, there he goes.

(soft chattering)

- How long have you lived in the city?

- So, how long have you had your kitty?

- My kitty!

She died last night.

(crying)

- Oh, um. (crying)

- It was terrible.

(crying)

I'm sorry.

- That's okay.

Um, how long did you have her?

(crying)

- Three days. (crying)

- Um, how does this guy look?

- Cute, young, but cute.

- So, you're really cute.

- Fierce.

Yeah, I still use that word.

Do you wanna know why?

'Cause it works.

(crying)

- There's some of her right there.

(crying)

- I really like older guys.

I mean, as long as they're not super old.

You know, like, over 30.

Oh my god, can you imagine?

It's all saggy and hanging down.

(crying)

I like to design clothes.

It's actually because I'm a big fan of Project Runway,

oh, and American Idol.

Oh my god, I actually tried out for American Idol.

Do you wanna hear what I sang?

♫ My my my

♫ Love

That Simon is such an ass.

(soft chattering)

- Wait, what?

- Is there something wrong with you?

- But do you own kitties?

- Um, I'm allergic.

(gasps)

- Sorry. - Sorry.

(soft chattering)

- You should sit down.

- So, um, Terry took my glasses, so I can't see poop,

but, um, anyway, you're not gonna sing me a song, are you?

This other guy tried to sing me a song, and, like,

I don't think it was gonna be very good or anything.

He said he was on American Idol.

Have you been on American Idol before?

I don't even think I've ever even seen the show before.

I think it's a singing show though.

You kind of look familiar, have I seen you before, huh?

You, like, sort of have a face like.

Ow! (thuds)

- I was at Becca's wedding.

(chuckles)

- Okay, this might sting a little bit, all right?

Okay, it might sting. - Ow, ow.

- [Terry] It's gonna help.

- Ow, okay.

- [Terry] It's gonna really help,

it'll bring down the swelling.

- So, you mean you're not his boyfriend?

- No, actually we just work in the same nonprofit together.

- Terry convinced me that you must be his boyfriend.

- No, I didn't, I didn't.

- Yes, ow, yes, you did, Terry.

That's why I went on that stupid speed dating thing

with him.

Will you please tell Jim

that it was just a stupid speed dating thing,

and that I really, really like him,

and that it was all Terry's fault?

How's it look?

- [Terry] You can hardly see it.

- My head hurts.

- Well, that is normally what happens

when you fall off a stool and bang your head.

You'll be fine, all right?

Rest up, okay?

Bye.

- [Paul] Bye.

- Feel better, Paul.

- [Paul] Thanks.

- Nice lamp.

- [Paul] Thank you.

(phone rings)

- [Answering Machine] Hello, please leave a message

after the tone. (beeps)

- Doctor, this is Paul.

I went on this stupid speed dating thing tonight,

and it was the worst day of my life.

Will you please call me back?

I really need your help.

Thanks.

(beeps)

- Poor, poor, Paul.

- Ow.

- Speed dating.

What's that?

You run to dates?

I'm talking to you.

(TV chatter in foreign language)

(wind noise)

- Please,

help,

please,

water,

pants.

(clanking)

♫ Is that it

♫ Is that all I get

♫ I want more

♫ More than before

- I am telling you, when I don't know what I want.

♫ If that's all I get

- I make a collage.

♫ Then baby I mustn't forget

♫ That I gotta go get on with the show and

♫ Get on with it

- [Peggy B] And when I was 22, the world was mine.

- Helps me tap into the higher power now.

- [Peggy B] Success, life and love were all

coming my way.

And then my young heart got broken

into a million pieces

and I knew I would never be the same.

I cried for a week.

- Collage.

- [Peggy B] And when my tears finally dried

I asked myself

is that it?

Is that all I get?

♫ Is that it

♫ All I get

♫ I want more

- You have papers stuck to your fingers.

- Thanks, Rapheal.

Did I do good, Rebecca?

- Well,

there's, there's a lot of

big there.

A lot of big, and I would, yeah,

yeah, I would definitely say that you know what you want,

at least part of it anyway.

- Hello, darlings.

- What are you doing here?

(chuckles)

- Oh my, what do we have here, a little,

little collage?

- I bet if you take some, like, soapy water

that'll take the papers off.

I like that couch.

- All you need are rainbows and unicorns, all that.

- I just go online if I want to find a date.

- Kinda looks like Jim.

- I will never do that again.

I'm a complete failure.

- Paul,

I would never

ever set you up

with somebody who was married or had a boyfriend.

I love you, sweetheart,

but you can be so gullible sometimes.

Can I ask you a question?

What's Terry's motivation?

I do know that Jim did talk an awful lot about you

the other night.

- He did?

- Hand me the phone.

(soft violin music)

Hand me the phone.

- Be careful.

(laid-back music)

Don't push the buttons too hard.

(laid-back rhythmic music)

- Hello, Jim.

(laid-back rhythmic music)

- Wow.

- This is lamb pops with a cherry reduction

and fingerling potatoes and, um,

roasted carrots and fennel bulb.

- That's it?

I'm just kidding.

Looks great.

- Really?

- Thank you.

- I'm a little nervous.

- Cheers.

(laid-back rhythmic music)

Oh my god, it's really good.

(laid-back rhythmic music)

You got it? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Oh, I fucked that up.

(chuckles)

- So?

- Yes?

Tell me.

- So, I, I like him. - Tell me.

(chuckles)

- And I'm gonna see him again tonight.

- I love that.

I love it.

I love playing gay maker.

- Yeah, I bet you do.

And you know, Marco started seeing Terry, too.

- No, no, I didn't know that.

(solemn country music)

- How you doin' today, honey?

- I'm fine.

- Stayin' another day?

- I'm not ready to see anyone yet.

- Clear the mind, always good.

I like playing the slots.

It's my

meditation.

Why don't you give mine a whirl?

- Really?

(solemn country music)

(slot machine beeps)

(engine rumbles)

(solemn country music)

- Tell me something.

Do you feel loved?

- [Tootsie] Well you sure know how to ask questions.

- Well, do you?

- Yes, yes, I, uh, I need to call my son.

(slot machine beeps)

- This is my one and only love.

I take it with me wherever I go,

and whenever I'm feeling lonely,

I look at it so I can remember that

for at least one moment of my life,

I was loved.

- Oh.

(coins clank)

Oh my god!

I won!

I win, how much did I win, what did I win?

- $5,000.

- [Tootsie] $5,000, I won $5,000, are you kidding?

Oh my god, Lucy, I need a drink!

- So?

- So.

♫ Come one and simmer

♫ Bless your shish kabob

♫ Get on with it

- [Peggy B] When I was 22, the world was mine.

- So, how long have you been in love?

With, with Piggy B?

- Oh, um,

I think

I was,

yeah, I was six, I think.

Yeah, because I saw her in a Christmas special,

a big Christmas special,

a Piggy B Christmas Spectacular

with Tiny Tim and Ruth Buzzi.

- I have it on VHS.

- (gasps) No!

- Oh, yeah.

- I saw it on eBay a few years ago,

and I tried to bid on it,

but then this idiot outbid me.

Can you believe that?

- I think I'm that idiot.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

- Um, it's okay.

- I know.

I bought it.

- Wait, can I borrow it?

- No.

- Okay.

♫ Get on with show and

♫ Get on with it

- [Peggy B] When I was 36 years old

♫ I thought my life was over

- Um, eyelash. - I what?

- Eyelash.

- [Peggy B] And I thought I was through,

after years of trying to make something of myself.

- That's my wish.

(blows)

Yeah, oh, I'm sorry.

- It's okay.

- God, it wasn't a bullet, it was just an eyelash.

You all right?

- Yeah, I think so.

It's okay, it's fine.

What'd you wish for?

- I can't tell you.

It won't come true.

The rules. - Good, ow, okay.

So you know this whole marriage thing?

It's kinda got me thinkin', I mean,

for the first time in our lives

we actually have the opportunity to get married, I mean,

I never thought that I'd ever actually see it

in my lifetime, you know?

- No,

me either.

I mean, I'm out there every day trying to get these

simpleminded ignoramuses

to not take away our rights,

you know, it just makes me, it makes me so angry.

- Yeah, yeah.

do you ever think that you, maybe want to,

yeah, I don't know, um, get married just to,

you know, just before they take away the right to make a,

make a statement or something?

- Oh, I don't know.

I don't wanna be forced into something that I might...

- Oh, yeah, no.

- You know, regret later. - Mm-mm, no, yeah, no.

(laid-back jazzy music)

- What?

Do you wanna get married?

No, I mean, not to, you know, in general.

- Oh, yeah, mm-hmm.

- You do?

- Well, I mean, maybe, yeah, mm-hmm.

Why, is that bad?

- No. - Okay.

(laid-back jazzy music)

(gasps)

What?

- Wait, just,

oh what the heck. - Yeah.

♫ Five-Star restaurants

♫ Eating out has always been my favorite

- Where Paul?

He no call.

Stupid.

(TV chatter in foreign language)

(sighs)

(coffee trickles)

(yells)

- Sorry.

(coughing)

(smoke alarm beeps)

I have a meeting I have to go to this morning.

- Yeah? - This morning.

- Okay.

- Uh, around the corner.

- Wait, what?

- There's a coffee shop around the corner.

- Okay.

(smoke alarm beeps)

(horn beeps)

(traffic rumbles)

- Morning, boss, you look good.

So how'd the date go?

It looks like it went well.

- [Terry] That's marvelous.

- You know, I'm not even mad at you, Terry,

for almost sabotaging it.

Oh, did Miss Anderson say what this emergency meeting

was for?

- No, she didn't, she just said she wanted a meeting.

- It has come to our attention

that Proposition 8 may not pass.

Here, in California, we cannot allow the homosexuals

the right to marry.

What can we do to take this message home?

- Um.

Uh, well,

we can have a basic html made up

with this

logo and the,

yes on Proposition 8 added,

so that everyone on Tuesday morning will wake up

with this reminder in their inbox.

It's a little too late for the commercial,

but I do believe that the email blast across the state

will get the response that

you desire.

- Good, do it.

- I'm afraid I'm not feeling too good.

- Thank you very much, Paul, you have been great.

- Your partner is a bit, uh, high strung.

- What I believe he's tryin' to say

is you're just more our type of people.

Let's meet up here next Wednesday

and discuss our attack. (phone rings)

Shall we say 9 a.m.?

And maybe it's best if it's just you at the meetin'.

Your partner makes the boys feel a little uncomfortable.

- Did you see where Terry went?

- He went to the little boy's room.

He didn't look so good.

(phone rings)

(water trickles)

- Look, wait.

I didn't know that this was how it was going to go.

I didn't.

- What you gonna do?

- Terry, if we let go of this account, we'll go under.

- I know I was hypnotized by the money.

My stomach was sick in there.

I can't do this.

I can't, I can't work, I can't work for someone who can.

Sorry.

- Why,

why didn't you want me to be with Jim?

- So you can manipulate him and marry him

before the Prop 8 passes?

You might be the main reason it does pass.

- I don't see you returning the check.

- Just a little check

and the family.

(crying)

I'm sorry.

Yeah, Jim, hang on a second, okay?

Get me all the dirt that you can on The Family.

- Sir, yes, sir!

- Thanks.

Okay.

- Really?

Okay, thanks, bye.

(phone rings)

- Yep?

- Boss, I finally got the skinny on this guy.

So, on the outside he looks totally clean,

like he should get a frackin' medal or something,

but then the truth comes out

and he's got his grubby little fingers

into so many dirty pots, foreign oil, arms dealing,

racketeering and, this is the best part,

there's some very interesting rumors surrounding him, too.

- Great, Tess.

- Thanks, so what do you want me to do?

- Oh. (knocking)

I'm gonna have to get back to you.

Bye.

(sighs)

- The Family,

The fuckin'

Family, Paul.

How could you?

- They, they just wanted me to do...

- With what?

With their money? - Do these sappy,

little commercials. - How much money

did they give you, Paul?

How much?

How much did it take for you to fuck everyone you know?

Me.

Paul, what are you fucking doing?

You can make this right.

Okay?

You can make this right.

But you better do it now.

Do you understand me?

Or your life is going to end in disaster, I promise you.

Do you hear me?

Do you hear me?

- Did Jim find out?

- I'll let you guys talk about it.

- Paul.

- Jim.

- Listen, I have, I have feelings for you.

I'm sorry,

I'm just,

I'm so confused right now.

(phone rings)

- Hello.

- Paul,

Paul I left your goddamn,

son of a bitch, fuckface father.

- Excuse me?

- It's over between us.

We had a big, a big disagreement.

- [Paul] What did you do, go buy a new dress?

He'll get over it, just, um.

- It's not that easy this time, honey.

- Just call him, okay?

Yeah, just, just call him.

- Paul, I love you.

I love you, okay?

Bye-bye.

(phone clangs)

- Ah.

- I can't.

(crying)

This stupid stuff. (crying)

That works, nothing.

(crying)

I gotta see Paul.

- How much money did they give you, Paul?

How much?

How much did it take for you to fuck everyone you know?

- I have feelings for you

that I haven't felt in a long time.

- I can't do this,

and I can't work for someone that can.

(ringtone rings)

- Who the hell is that at this time of night?

- Oh god, I hope nobody's dead.

Boss, what is going on?

- Sorry, Tess.

- Oh my god, you gave me a heart attack.

- I need you to pull the whole plug on The Family.

Cancel everything.

Do you think it's too late?

- Well, it'll take some doing,

but I think I can get it done.

Hey, boss.

- [Paul] Yeah?

- I'm proud of you.

- Thanks, Tess.

Oh, Tess, set up a meeting with Miss Deborah Anderson

for nine in the morning, okay?

- Okay-dokey, boss.

- Thanks.

Goodnight.

- See ya tomorrow, bye.

Sugar, I need that.

- Oh, darling, come on, it's taken me months to get this.

- (groans) I need to send some emails.

- Why do you women never understand?

(chuckles)

- You can get back to your little game.

- Yeah, well, my raiding party was about to kill the boss.

You've gone and ruined it now, haven't ya?

- Well, that sounds important.

(blues music)

- I'd help you, but I can't see a damn thing.

So what's up for today?

I've got a few hours to kill before I head out.

Wanna try the nickel slots again?

Or should we be adventurous and go for the quarters?

(chuckles) (blues music)

- You know I, I think it's time I get on my way.

(blues music)

I'm gonna miss you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

♫ not mend my broken heart

♫ With somebody new

♫ Because I can't keep on livin'

♫ In a world without you

(phone rings)

(answering machine beeps)

- Terry, I know you quit,

and I know that you're really mad at me right now,

but please just come to a nine o'clock meeting

with Miss Anderson.

Trust me, please.

Trust me.

♫ To dry all these tears I cried

- [GPS] Please make right turn on Sierra Highway.

Please make right turn on Sierra Highway.

(solemn country music)

- Come on.

(brakes squeal)

♫ My broken heart with somebody new

♫ Because I can't keep on livin'

- Excuse me, Miss.

- Yeah?

You look terrible.

You better sit down.

Here, here's a glass of water.

You better have some, here, here, here,

here's a little bit of,

oh, you just look terrible.

I don't know what happened to you.

You look like you have a little sunburn

or something like that.

- I'm lookin' for my wife.

- Oh?

- Little short gal, mid 40s, red hair,

Mrs. Roll.

- Mrs. Roll.

- Go by the nickname, uh...

- Tootsie!

- Yeah.

- (chuckles) She's a kick in the pants.

- Uh-huh.

- Such a nice lady and a good tipper, too.

You must be the fuckface of a husband.

Honey, you just missed her.

Isn't that right, Janine?

- Yeah, that's right.

- Oh, oh, I'm so sorry.

Here, have a little napkin here.

- Morning, boss, you okay?

Okay, here's all the dirt on the big guy,

and here's your refund check.

What?

You know I've been doing your signature for years.

- You knew I was going to do this?

- You made the appointment yesterday afternoon.

- I love you.

- I know.

Now, go knock 'em dead.

(ragtime piano music)

- So, Paul, I see that you had another plan

that you didn't share with us.

(playful rhythmic music)

- This gentleman is half of, as they say,

a well-oiled machine.

To ask that he not be present during an important meeting

with a client is inappropriate.

- May I remind you that you and I have a contract.

- Not finished yet.

Um, Miss Anderson, some time in one's life

one has to question one's morals.

- I assure you that Jonathan Tate

is one of the leading men of our country

with only the highest morals and the best intentions.

(tsking)

- The Jonathan Tates of the world can look incredibly clean

on the outside until one digs deeper.

This morning

there were no email blasts, no press releases,

no one heard a peep on The Family's stance

on Proposition 8.

Oh and,

um,

here's your full refund.

Miss Anderson,

Miss Anderson I love my country.

I'm a little idealistic.

I do believe that

justice will prevail

and

you,

The Family,

Jonathan Tate,

at the end of the day can do nothing about it.

Oh, and by the way,

I'm not one of your

fudging people.

I'll take these now.

(light rhythmic music)

- Mr. Roll,

Proposition 8 will pass.

I guarantee it.

- Wow.

You told her.

- I just wanted you to understand your worth to me.

- Come here.

- Oh for god's sake, come on!

(sighs) I really am fucked.

(brakes squeal)

Oh my god.

I didn't realize you were Miss Piggy B.

Can I get a lift?

My son is your biggest fan.

- [Piggy B] What's his name?

- [Tootsie] Paul Roll.

- [Piggy B] Hmm, well isn't that somethin'.

(laughing) (throbbing music)

- Look at this place.

Oh my god, it's election night.

Paul!

Paul, I asked you to fix things last night.

- What? - And you did.

I asked you to fix things last night and you did.

- Yeah.

- Proposition 8 might not pass because of you.

Look at this.

(throbbing music)

Oh, and by the way, just in case you're wondering, Jim.

- Yeah?

- Everything's cool.

He's so proud of you.

- Wait, you mean he's not mad at me anymore?

- No, no, not at all.

As a matter of fact, I think you're probably gonna get

the best sex of your life tonight.

(pulsating music)

It's true.

- Wow.

- Here you go, ladies.

- [Tootsie] Ooh, thanks.

- You may wanna stay close, Manny.

We're either gonna be jumping for joy,

or I'm gonna have to slap ya.

(chuckles)

- Hey, where's Terry?

(pulsating music)

Um, I've gotta go backstage,

so I'll see you guys afterwards, okay?

All right, see ya soon!

(pulsating music)

- What did she say?

- [Man] Please welcome to the stage, the legendary comedian

Miss Rebecca Wright.

- All right, who's right?

- [Crowd] Rebecca Wright!

(cheering)

- And don't you all forget it.

Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome

to our election night extravaganza.

(cheering) (clapping)

The end of the Bush era.

Ladies and gentlemen,

tonight is a big huge momentous occasion.

Hopefully we are going to elect our country's very first

African-American president.

(cheering)

It's about time, it's about time.

And hopefully we are gonna show the rest of the country

that California is ready

and will protect gay marriage, baby.

(cheering)

- I love you!

- Hey.

- Oh, hey, hi.

- I'm so proud of you.

- Oh, I'm just so glad you aren't mad at me

anymore. - No.

- [Rebecca] Now, I heard that we are just waiting

on the news to announce the next president

of the United States,

and, god, I hope it's the right one.

(patriotic music)

- And you go out and find your son.

- All right.

- Any second, we're gonna get the results.

- We can now definitively say that Barack Obama will be

the next president of the United States of America.

- [Rachel] The next president of the United States

is Barack Obama.

- This is truly an historic occasion.

We now know that the next president will be Barack Obama,

our first black president.

(cheering)

- Mom,

hi!

- Oh!

I came with B. (laughs)

- [Rebecca] On this momentous occasion, ladies

and gentlemen, it is my immense pleasure to welcome....

- This is my mom!

- Hi.

- [Tootsie] Hi.

- I'm Jim.

- [Tootsie] Hi, how do you do, Jim?

- Good.

- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you, too.

(clapping) (rhythmic music)

(howling)

♫ You always leave me wantin' more

♫ You always leave me wantin' more

♫ You always leave me wantin' more

(clapping) (cheering)

- Ladies and gentlemen, that Miss Piggy B.

All right, now the moment we've all been waiting for,

uh, the results of Proposition 8 are coming

in any second.

- We do have an answer now on Proposition 8.

Proposition 8 has passed, gay marriage is no longer legal

in the state of California.

- Gay marriage,

the abomination against God,

will not be tolerated in this country.

Marriage will remain sacred

and that this filth,

this unbridled filth will not be tolerated in our country.

God bless you.

- [News Anchor] As far as what will happen to the gays

who have already married in recent months,

the news is, we're still awaiting news on that.

There'll have to be a judgment, but for the time being

no more gays will be allowed to marry

in the state of California.

Proposition 8 is now law.

There is no gay marriage.

(dull thudding)

(door squeaks)

- I have to go find my mom.

- Obama elected and the other,

well,

we'll just have to continue to fight the good fight.

- Yeah, yeah, the good fight, um, I.

- [Gregory] We just got the bank statement.

- I have something I need to confess.

- Tootsie,

what is this?

A $500,000 donation to The Family?

Are, are you insane?

- I-I-I acted impulsively, I-I just.

- Impulse, no, no, impulsive is like buying something

at the checkout stand!

Half a million dollars to The Family!

Do you know what this means to your son?

Do you know what this is going to do to him?

Oh!

I mean, you have done some crazy stunts, Toots,

but this is outrageous!

How could you, how could you do that to Paulie?

How are you gonna make that right?

You can't, that's impossible!

I don't, ah, I-I can't even talk to you!

And where do you think you're going?

- Oh, just get out of my way, Gregory.

It is over between us.

I am done, I am going to LA,

and I'm going to be with my,

I'm gonna be by myself.

- Are you going to tell Paul what you did?

How are you going to make that right with him?

- [Tootsie] It is over between us.

You fuckface! (sharp smacking)

(engine rumbles)

- What?

- $500,000?

- It was the most stupid thing I've ever done.

Paul, I am so sorry.

I-I-I, it was just a mistake, I, oh, I don't know why.

I was just being stupid.

(slow rhythmic music)

- We've all done stupid things, honey.

My husband left me for a man.

My house burned down.

My dog was killed by a falling tree struck by lightning,

and I'm legally blind, but I'm still here.

- You're legally blind?

- In 1974,

I used Mighty Glue to put on my eyelashes.

I just got so tired of putting them on every day.

- Oh, that's why you wear the sunglasses.

And you've been driving a car?

- [Piggy B] These are the original lashes.

Not bad, eh?

- [Tootsie] Um, well, they.

- No, yeah, they're um...

- They're fine, no, they're, they're good.

- Pretty. - They're good.

They look good, yeah, no, they're nice, they're nice.

- Thank you.

- Isn't there some kind of procedure you could have?

- There is, but it takes big bucks,

and I'm fresh out of big bucks just now.

What's this?

- It's my winnings from the casino.

The $5,000.

Well, minus the 100 that I gave to Lucy for a tip,

because, well, I think she really needs it, but,

B you can get your eyes fixed.

The beginning of making everything right.

- Oh, come here, Miss Uptight Thing,

and give me a hug. (chuckles)

(gentle rhythmic music)

- I have a confession, too.

(slow rhythmic music)

'Til last night,

I was working for The Family.

(slow rhythmic music)

I was just about to do all these ad campaigns

and email blasts,

but then I gave them a full refund.

Even though now it means that my business may go under

and any delusion that I have of saving up my own money

for my own wedding is no longer a possibility.

- Well, it looks like it's been true confessions all around.

- B,

that's your first love, right?

You always have that picture with you.

- He's some billionaire now.

Jonathan Tate.

- [Tootsie] Wait, wait,

why does that name sound so familiar?

- He's the head of The Family.

- Who have you been meeting with?

- Miss Anderson.

- Miss Deborah Anderson?

- I am so sorry, I, I will make this right.

I will, you have to believe me.

I will make this right.

(door thuds)

Honey, take my purse.

Um, listen, I need, um, I need a computer,

and I need a phone.

- Upstairs to the left.

- Okay, thanks.

(sighs)

(birds chirp)

(chuckling)

- [Tootsie] That Miss Piggy B is something, isn't she?

(chuckles) Oh my god.

- [Paul] Yeah, she is.

- She really opened my eyes.

(gentle piano music)

Last night,

I got it.

I got it.

I stood there

and listened to that man who calls himself a Christian

tell the world

that my son

is an abomination against God,

some kind of subhuman because of who you love.

And I realized

that man

is not a good man.

That man is not a Christian in my eyes.

(gentle piano music)

You and your amazing friends

have every right

to stand up before God or whatever and shout out

that you love another human being.

I am so proud of you.

(gentle piano music)

And.

(gentle piano music)

- What's this?

- Damage control.

(gentle piano music)

That should take care of everything, shouldn't it?

- Mom, um.

(gentle piano music)

(knocking)

Thank you.

Dad!

- Hello, son.

- [Tootsie] Jesus Christ, what the heck happened to you?

- It's, uh, it's a long story.

(chuckling)

There, there, Tootsie.

- [Tootsie] Sorry, I'm so sorry.

- That's okay. - I'm so sorry.

But I've made it all right, I have, haven't I?

I've made it all right. - Yeah.

Everything's, everything's just fine now.

- Good, good, I'm glad you worked it out.

- Oh, Paul. - Good, good.

I'm so glad you're okay.

- I'm so glad you're okay.

Where have you been? (phone rings)

- About two days behind you the entire time.

I must smell like a muskrat.

- You do. - Come here, come here.

- Hello?

- [Woman] Hello, Paul?

- Yes, this is Paul.

- [Woman] Oh, my name is Sue Chen, and you called...

- What? - Leaving messages.

- Messages?

Um.

Oh.

- For heaven sakes, Gregory, have you seen my purse?

- Did you look in the bedroom?

- [Paul] I can't find my shirt?

Has anybody seen my shirt?

- Downstairs in the laundry.

- I swear, I don't know what I'm doing.

- [Paul] I'm missing my keys.

Dad, have you seen my keys?

- I think they're in the bathroom.

- Wait, wait, wait,

- [Newscaster] The CEO of The Family, Deborah Anderson

- Look at this. - What?

- [Newscaster] Is rumored to be inside.

The legendary Miss Piggy B will be leading us in...

- Oh my god, Greg, look at this.

- [Newscaster] to share a startling revelation.

- Who is that? - Miss Piggy B.

- Good evening, Lance.

One I knew Miss Tate started going after my gays,

I knew it was time for me to do something about it.

- Oh, that's fantastic.

- Well, that's a terrible wig.

(chuckles)

- Come on, boys.

- Miss Piggy B, ah, ah!

- [Piggy B] Miss Jonathan Tate.

(gasps)

- [Lance] A startling revelation, more soon.

(chuckling)

(rhythmic Asian music)

- [Sue] Paul!

Paul!

Honey, come quick.

Paul is here in our restaurant.

(rhythmic Asian music)

(rhythmic instrumental music)

♫ I'm headin' out to hang with the girls

♫ Sprayin' Aqua Net on the girls

♫ I'm gonna stir up

♫ Some trouble tonight - Do you take Paul,

trust and love each other?

- [Jim] I do.

- [Christina] Do you Paul take Jim

to honor and trust and grow with?

- [Paul] I do.

- By the power vested in me by the state of California,

I now pronounce you

married.

(cheering) (clapping)

(cheering)

- Cheers. - Cheers!

- Kiss, kiss! - Kiss!

(cheering) (clapping)

(ragtime piano music)

- When I was a child,

my family took a drive up to the country.

We made a stop at a little gas station

in the middle of nowhere.

And when I came back to the car

I realized they had driven off without me

and I was alone.

I thought that I would be spending

the rest of my life there,

pumping gas, and I'd ask myself,

is that it?

Is that all I get?

♫ Is that it

♫ Is that all I get

♫ I want more

♫ More than before

♫ If that's it

♫ If that's all I get

♫ Then baby I mustn't forget

♫ That I gotta go

♫ Get on with the show and

♫ Get on with it

And when I was 22, the world was mine.

Success, life and love were all coming my way.

And then my young heart got broken into a million pieces

and I knew I would never be the same,

I cried for a week.

And when my tears finally dried

I asked myself,

Is that it?

Is that all I get?

♫ Is that it

♫ Is that all I get

♫ I want more

♫ More than before

♫ If that's it

♫ If that's all I get

♫ Then baby I mustn't forget

♫ That I gotta go

♫ Get on with the show and

♫ Get on with it

And when I was 36 years old,

I thought my life was over.

Life hadn't gone the way that I planned

and I thought I was through.

After years of trying to make something of myself

I had to wonder,

Is that it?

Is that all I get?

♫ Is that it

♫ Is that all I get

♫ I want more

♫ More than before

♫ If that's it

♫ If that's all I get

♫ Then, baby, I mustn't forget

♫ That I gotta go

♫ Get on with the show and

♫ Get on with it

♫ I gotta go

♫ Get on with the show

♫ And

♫ Get on with it

(applause) (cheering)