Original subtitles

TED: You know how Aunt Robin's a big fan of Halloween,

always dressing up in crazy costumes?

Well, she wasn't always that way.

Back in 2005, she thought she was too cool for Halloween,

unlike Aunt Lily.

Guess what came in the mail today?

Our costumes? Do they rule?

They rule.

And yours is 100% wool,

so you won't get hypothermia

like last year.

Tarzan nipples blue.

You know what I love about Halloween?

It's the one night of the year

chicks use to unleash their inner ho-bag.

If a girl dresses up as a witch,

she's a slutty witch.

If she's a cat, she's a slutty cat.

If she's a nurse...

Wow, we get it.

...she's a slutty nurse.

Robin, what are you doing for Halloween?

Oh, I don't know.

Probably hanging out with Mike,

this guy I've been seeing.

Mike? There's a Mike?

You have a boyfriend and you haven't told us?

No, I mean, he's not my boyfriend.

He's just this guy I've been seeing

for a couple of weeks.

(sing-songy): Boyfriend!

So why haven't we met him?

We're not really ready to go public yet.

(sing-songy): Married.

How about we go on a Halloween double date?

I don't know.

We were kind of thinking about staying at home

and dressing up as naked people.

Come on, Robin, trot out your new fella.

Let us judge and evaluate him behind your back.

It'll be fun.

Hey, Ted, you'll never guess what happened.

Your costumes came?

Our cost... Yes.

That is why we're best friends.

Hey, Ted, what are you doing for Halloween?

Well...

(groaning) What?

Every Halloween, Ted waits

for the Slutty Pumpkin.

That's right.

What's the "Slutty Pumpkin"?

You mean, "Who is the Slutty Pumpkin?"

It was four years ago...

I was at this Halloween party up on the roof of our building.

I'm about to call it an early night

when out of nowhere appeared this girl

in the sexiest pumpkin costume.

Wait, how can a pumpkin costume be sexy?

It was carved in strategic places.

So, uh, we're at the bar,

and I see her mix Kahlua...

Kahlua and root beer.

A cocktail she invented herself.

And she called it...

"The Tootsie Roll..."

ALL: Because it tastes

like an alcoholic Tootsie Roll. Hey!

Can I please tell the story?

So we had this instant connection.

She gave me her number, but then...

ALL: Something went terribly wrong.

Guys!

Then something went terribly wrong.

Happy Halloween.

Sonny, where's Cher?

Cher? Right here, babe.

I just met the perfect woman.

She's funny. She's beautiful.

She loves Star Wars.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's her take on Ewoks?

Loves 'em.

Oh, good.

I don't know why people are so cynical about Ewoks.

The rebellion would have failed without the Ewoks.

And get this: She's a marine biologist.

She spent a year in Antarctica studying penguins.

Oh, penguins are cool.

Kind of like black-and-white Ewoks.

I approve.

Hey, where's my, uh, Kit-Kat?

I put it right here on this table. I don't know,

but we've plenty of chocolate here.

No, no, you don't understand.

I need that Kit-Kat; she wrote her number

on that wrapper. Where is it?

Uh-oh.

Hey, Dracula!

Come on, give me the... Give me it!

Where's the Kit-Kat?

Where's the Kit-Kat?!

Never found her number, never saw her again.

But every year, they have

a Halloween party up on the roof,

so that's where I'll be.

You know, Ted, it's been four years.

She could be engaged or married,

or, God forbid, fat.

I don't know.

I got a feeling. This could be the year.

Halloween is a night of wonder and magic.

(all groan)

All right, bring the mockery.

Fine, I can take it.

But, come on, wouldn't it be the coolest story ever

if the Slutty Pumpkin turned out to be my future wife?

Oh, on the off-chance that that could happen,

maybe we should stop calling her the Slutty Pumpkin.

That's a really good point.

That's a good idea.

Ted, is your world ready

to be rocked, rocked, rocked?

Can't wait.

So...

what do you think?

So, what do you think?

(squawks)

Wow.

Marshall, are you wearing eyeliner?

Oh, yeah.

Weirdly hot, right?

We are so going to win the costume contest this year.

First prize: $50 gift certificate at the bar.

And how much did you pay for your costumes?

$100.

Each.

Well, I think you guys look great.

What are you going as? Oh, like I even need to ask.

Hey, I want the Slutty Pumpkin to recognize me,

and she knows me as... a hanging chad.

What? She thought it was hilarious.

Yeah, four years ago,

but nobody remembers what the hell a hanging chad is.

What a sad commentary

on our national attention span...

that we could forget such a turbulent time

in our political history.

Sad commentary.

(squawks)

All right,

Polly got to pee.

Again?

Where you going?

It's an elaborate costume.

(power chords playing pop intro)

* Highway to the danger zone

* Gonna take you right into the danger zone *

(music stops)

No, no, not again, not this year.

You're going as my wingman.

Flight suit up.

No thanks.

I'm sticking with the hanging chad.

Oh, you're dangerous, Maverick.

Your ego's writing checks your body can't cash.

Okay.

Here's the plan, and I crap you not.

I'm getting us

into the Victoria's Secret Halloween Party.

Trust me, by the end of the night,

your chad will not be hanging.

We can get rejected by supermodels

any night of the year.

Tonight I'm going up to the roof,

I'm going to have a few beers,

I'm going to wait for the Slutty Pumpkin.

It's just what I do.

Hmm. Victoria's Secret models

prancing around in bras and panties...

or Yale preppies reuniting their stupid a capella group.

What's that, left hand? "Right hand sucks"?

Word.

Heading up to the roof.

Well, boys, looks like it's just the three of us.

What's that? "Self five"?

Nice. We out.

Hey, Chad, how's it hanging?

Hey, word play, funny.

Whoo, nice outfit.

I'm a parrot.

You sure are.

Where's Mike?

He's meeting me here.

I ran late covering the Halloween parade

in the Village.

There are, like, a zillion gay pirates this year.

Seriously, does my eyeliner look okay?

Yes, it's weirdly hot.

So, where's your costume?

(knocking) Uh, you know, Mike and I joked

about doing something together,

but we decided not to dress up.

Oh, geez.

Hi.

Uh, everyone,

this is Michael.

That is not his real hair.

Um, where's your costume, Gretel?

You thought I was...

Oh, I was just kidding.

I've got to stop making jokes in e-mails.

It's so hard to convey tone.

I think we got them beat.

I can't believe you talked me into this.

I didn't. You followed me up here.

This party sucks.

There's seven chicks here.

There's six chicks here.

Relax. The night is young.

It's going to get better.

Ladies and gentlemen,

as on pitch as they were at Spring Fling '95,

it's my pleasure to welcome back the Shaggarats.

CROWD (cheering): Whoo!

Whoo!

* My Bonnie lies over the ocean *

* My Bonnie lies over the sea *

* My Bonnie lies over the ocean *

* Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me *

(all giggling)

(mimicking pirate): What be a pirate's

favorite kind of sweater?

Arr-gyle.

MARSHALL: And what be

a pirate's favorite fast food restaurant?

Arr-by's.

'Twould think it would be Arby's.

(regular voice): But, actually, it's Long John Silver's.

(all chuckling)

Actually, I kind of need this hand to eat.

Oh..

(chuckles)

Oh, yeah.

(both growl like pirates)

Oh, thank you.

I'm starrr...ving!

Thank you.

It's so nice to meet you, Mike.

You guys are really cute together.

Yeah, we've been spending a lot of time together.

We're even getting to that point where we finish each other's...

This cheeseburger is so...

Good. See?

(chuckles)

I think you won the dish-off tonight, baby.

This steak totally bitch-slapped my pork chops.

MARSHALL: That may be true,

but your rice pilaf kicked my spinach in the crotch

so hard it threw up a little bit.

(laughs)

MARSHALL: Mmm... mmm.

Mmm.

Robin, you have to try this chicken.

Oh, that's good. I'm okay. Thanks.

It's really tasty.

I'm just really feeling this cheeseburger.

MIKE: Come on.

Just try a little bite.

Dude, I'm kind of in the zone here.

Oh, for God's sakes.

Really tasty.

(sustaining notes in harmony)

(cheering and applause)

Hey.

Hey.

So what does a fella have to do

to get lei'd around here?

Yeah.

Right. 'Cause I'm wearing a lei.

It isn't funny if you explain the joke.

Let's bail.

No, Barney, come on. I'm having fun.

Plus, it's really great to see all these guys again.

Name one person you know at this party.

Well, there's Ninja,

Back of Horse.

Hey, where's Front of Horse?

That guy's a riot. Where is he?

Okay, I'm leaving.

But just know that this Victoria's Secret party

is on a yacht.

And what will be sticking to that yacht?

The "Barnacle."

Really?

That's your nickname now?

Yeah, the Barnacle. The Barnacle?

That's it.

Barnacle out.

Have fun, Barnacle.

So... do you like Mike?

Do you like Mike?

Of course I do. Why?

It just doesn't seem like it.

You won't share your food. You won't wear a costume.

Oh, Lily, you know me.

I'm just not into all that coupley stuff.

Okay, I know that stuff looks dumb from the outside,

but it's kind of the greatest thing in the world

when you're a part of it.

If you just gave it

a chance, you might like it.

Are you trying to get me to join a cult?

Robin, Mike likes you.

If you don't start meeting him halfway,

you're gonna lose him.

What?

Look, it's Halloween.

Just put on the girlfriend costume for a night.

Okay, well, what am I supposed to do,

buy him a giant teddy bear or something?

How about you start by sharing dessert?

I can share dessert.

Good.

He better want the brownie sundae,

but yeah, yeah, I can totally share.

Barney?

What, you're back?

That's right.

In a totally new costume.

Every Halloween I bring a spare costume,

in case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party.

That way I have a second chance to make a first impression.

What's with the face?

It's half you're pathetic, half I have to pee.

So go to the bathroom. No, there's a huge line.

I don't want to miss the "Slutty Pumpkin."

So pee off the roof.

Ooh, Ted, pee off the roof.

Whoa, I wouldn't do that if I were you.

There's people walking down there.

Come on, Ted, who you gonna listen to?

Me or Mr. Goody-Goody over there?

Yeah, whatever. You guys got some weed?

A little to the left, Marshall.

ROBIN: Lily, squat down.

This is gonna be a slaughter.

None of these other costumes even come close to ourrr...s!

Take the damn picture. (squawks)

Got it.

I still think we should have won as Sonny and Cher.

Maybe if I'd worn the red dress. Huh.

If I could turn back time.

(gasps)

Oh, wow, this sundae looks so good.

I could eat the whole thing.

But, um, I would much rather share

this small one-scoop sundae with you, Mike.

Apple tart? Excellent choice, Lily-pad.

Thanks, Marshmallow.

Well, let's dig in, Mi... Mi... Microwave Oven.

Let me guess.

Every guy's used the lei'd line on you tonight, huh?

You wouldn't believe.

I apologize for my gender.

Let me make it up to you. Make you a drink?

Oh.

You certainly are a charming devil.

I'm also a "horny" devil.

Yeah.

(chuckles)

No.

Oh, go to hell.

You know,

if you guys like tiramisu,

we found this little Italian place...

No, you found it. I came with you.

Go on.

I'm just saying, we love tiramisu.

I cannot get enough of it.

We're crazy for the stuff.

I'm crazy, and you're crazy...

...for tiramisu.

MIKE: Right.

We love tiramisu.

Mm-hmm.

Am I wrong saying that? No, no, no.

I mean, it just sounds a little bit weird.

Doesn't it?

We love tiramisu?

Isn't really a group activity.

Loving tiramisu?

Right?

So this Italian place, how is their cannoli?

ROBIN: Oh!

Easy there, hungry.

Mmm.

Yeah, looks like we're both hungry.

(chuckles)

Hey, is that Gary Oldman?

Wait... where?

I don't see...

Brain freeze.

Okay, Victoria's Secret party, right now.

Nope. Come on.

I can't stand watching my delusional friend

waste another precious Halloween.

Ted, the "Slutty Pumpkin" is not coming.

She might.

(groans)

Come on, Barney, this is not about the odds.

It's about believing.

This girl, she...

she represents something to me.

I don't know.

Hope.

Wow.

I did not understand a word you just said.

Lingerie models on a boat!

See ya.

No. See ya.

(laughs devilishly)

Ow!

Want to drink the melty part?

You know what?

It's getting late.

I think I'm gonna

take off.

Hey.

I thought we were gonna follow those breadcrumbs

back to my place, Hansel.

Robin, I don't get the sense you like being with me.

I like being with you.

Not as much as you like being alone.

You like...

eating your own food, sleeping in your own bed,

doing your own crosswords.

Who uses ink?

Sorry.

Okay, I'm a bit set in my ways.

That doesn't mean that this won't work.

Actually, it kind of does.

Wait. Are we breaking up?

No,aren't breaking up.

I'm breaking up with you.

TED: And then just as I was about to lose hope...

She spent a year in Antarctica studying penguins.

Kahlua, root beer...

Could this penguin be

the "Slutty Pumpkin?"

Uh, excuse me.

This is going to sound crazy,

but I met someone up on this roof four years ago,

and they mixed that cocktail, and-and they loved penguins.

By any chance, was that you?

It's you.

Everyone thought I was crazy, but I came...

You are such a loser.

Come on, I came back for you, Ted.

I penguin-suited up

to show you the error of your ways.

And to score Hula Girl's number.

Check and check.

Unbelievable.

Yes, it is.

Oh. Wait a minute.

You're that lame army guy.

What? No, No, that's some other guy,

and he was a kick-ass fighter pilot.

I cannot believe I gave you my number.

Yeah, well, you did. Thanks.

Yeah. Well, give it back.

Well, uh, I don't think so.

I earned it fair and square.

I'm calling you.

But I'm never gonna go out with you.

But how will you know it's me?

I'm a master of disguise.

Yeah.

(sighs)

Nice.

Come on, Ted.

Victoria's Secret party, now, let's go.

I'm staying.

(sighs): Fine! Fine...

What are you doing?

I'm flippering you off.

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry.

Seriously,

it's not a big deal.

He wanted to be a we, and I wanted to be an I.

Dudes are such chicks.

Hmm.

You guys, I'm fine.

MAN: Ladies and

gentlemen, the results are in.

And the winners of this year's

costume contest are...

Lily Aldren as a parrot,

and Marshall Erikson as a gay pirate!

Oh, yeah!

Wait, what did he say?

Oh, who cares, Marshall? We won!

Wait. Gay pirate... where are you getting that from?

Dude, you're wearing eyeliner.

Okay.

I just want everybody here to know I'm not a gay pirate.

I have sex with my parrot all the time.

That came out wrong.

Oh, yeah, doesn't matter.

We won!

I love you, Marshmallow.

I love you, too, Lily Pad.

You guys, let me get a picture.

(camera shutter clicking)

* I want to know what it's like *

* On the inside of love...

I had a feeling I'd find you here.

Oh, hey.

If you're here for the Shaggarats,

you just missed the fourth encore.

I never played any team sports.

Are we playing "I never"?

'Cause there's nothing left but peach schnapps.

I played tennis in high school.

You know why?

Because it was just me out there.

I couldn't even stand playing doubles.

I just got dumped.

Oh, man, that sucks.

Yeah. It's okay.

I wasn't that into him.

Story of my life.

Everyone else is off

falling in love and acting stupid and goofy

and sweet and insane, but not me.

Why don't I

want that more?

I want to want that.

Am I wired wrong or something?

No.

Look, you didn't want to be with me,

so, clearly, you have abysmal taste in men.

(laughs)

But you're wired just fine.

Well, what if I'm just a...

a cold person?

Tonight Mike was willing to look

like a complete idiot for me, but I couldn't be Gretel.

Why can't I be Gretel?

Because you just haven't met the right Hansel yet.

Hey, one day, you're gonna meet a guy

who's gonna make you want to look like a complete idiot.

Really?

Yeah. He's out there somewhere.

Just like the Slutty Pumpkin... pumpkin, pumpkin...

How do you do this, Ted?

How do you

sit out here all night on the roof in the cold,

and still have faith your pumpkin's gonna show up?

Well, I'm pretty drunk.

(laughs)

Look, I know that odds are

the love of my life isn't gonna magically walk through that door

in a pumpkin costume at 2:43 in the morning, but...

this seems as nice a spot as any to just,

you know, sit and wait.

(soft groan)

* I want to know what it's like on the inside of love... *