Original subtitles

TED: So, kids, would you like to hear the story

of the time I went deaf?

Why does he even ask?

I know, he's just going to tell us anyway.

I sure am.

It all began when

Robin strolled into the bar and said...

Say you're my bitch.

I'm your bitch.

Why this time?

Because tonight I'm getting us all into Okay.

"Okay," awesome!

What's going on? Did I just have a stroke?

Okay is the name of a club.

Yeah, it's supposed to be

incredibly exclusive. This friend of mine

once waited outside for two hours,

couldn't get in.

A friend of yours named You?

No, a friend of mine named Shut Up.

Yeah, well, the owner goes to my gym.

It turns out that he is a fan of my reporting for Metro News One.

So now I'm on the list for tonight.

Nice going, Scherbatsky.

You're becoming a long and difficult-to-spell household name.

He's even getting me into the V.I.P. room.

Yeah, he just wants to show you his own V.I.P.,

if you know what I mean.

All right, what does V.I.P. stand for

in your little universe?

Well, I know that "P" is Penis.

Great, so you guys are in.

Should I invite Marshal and Lily?

Why was this funny? I'll explain.

You see, Lily was a kindergarten teacher,

and so one fateful nap time...

Austin and I spent Saturday night

at the most charming little bed and breakfast.

It was so nice.

What did you do this weekend?

Go, come on, chug, chug, chug!

Ten seconds!

Suck it, losers!

(belches)

You know, quiet time with the fiancé.

LILY: I don't know,

I just felt embarrassed.

Claire is my age and she and her husband

do all this classy grown-up stuff.

Maybe we should start doing some grown-up stuff.

That's some pretty grown-up stuff we did this morning.

Yeah, but it wasn't classy.

Maybe we should have a wine-tasting party.

I like wine.

I like tasting.

You know I can party.

Let's do it. Let's rock it.

Maturity style.

And ever since then she's been signing him up

for book clubs, cooking classes...

All the things you do when you know

where your next thousand lays are coming from.

So, no, Lily and Marshall will not be joining us.

Got it.

Anyway, Ted, part two of my story:

My friend Kelly's going to be there.

Kelly, who supposedly I'm going to love.

Oh, you are going to love Kelly.

She's fun, she's smart, she lives in the moment...

Translation: She's ugly,

she's ugly, she ugs in the ugly.

Oh, and she's totally hot.

Okay, I guess I could take her off your hands for an evening.

Hmm...

So do you have any other

hot, single friends?

No.

Kelly...

(voice trails off)

Oh, no, Ted, your blazer!

What, what, what?

Somebody spilled gorgeous all over it.

Love it.

Thank you.

And his hair was perfect.

We're wearing the same shirt.

Oh, wait, no, that's just my shirt reflected in yours.

One of the 24 similarities between girls and fish

is that they're both attracted to shiny objects.

You really never read my blog, do you?

All right, tin man, let's hit it.

All right, well, have fun at your little disco, guys.

What the hell happened to these two?

Marshall and I are just growing up.

Yeah, it's going to be sweet, too.

Like tonight, we're tasting all these different wines,

pairing them up with these cool gourmet cheeses.

Wow, who knew being in

a committed heterosexual relationship

could make a guy so gay?

TED: All right, cool kids

are leaving now.

Grandma, Grandpa, don't wait up.

(techno-pop playing)

My, oh, my.

There are some ferocious-looking cutlets here tonight.

All right, hookup strategy.

Colon, find a cutlet,

lock her in early,

grind with her all night till she's mine.

Do these strategies ever work for you?

The question is: Do these strategies ever not work for me?

Either way, the answer is about half the time.

My bitches!

Check this out.

Um, they're with me.

Um, we're her bitches, too.

We'll wait here.

And with today's interest rate climate,

you've got to go for

the 30-year fixed mortgage. Oh, totally.

Yeah.

So, Marshall, what about you?

You guys thinking house, baby?

Oh!

No, I think we're going to wait on the baby thing.

I mean, I love babies.

Babies rule.

Pudgy arms and stuff...

But, uh, they make you old.

Kind of like this anchor

weighing you down to one spot... forever.

I'm three months pregnant.

Not awkward, guys.

Not awkward unless we let it be awkward.

This place seems great.

Is Kelly here?

Yeah, she's around somewhere.

Uh, let's go find her. I'll introduce you guys.

Then I should probably

duck into the V.I.P. room.

It's so stupid and arbitrary, isn't it?

Who gets to be a V.I.P. and who doesn't?

Can we come?

It's not that arbitrary.

Whoa, this place is loud.

You think?

(techno-pop playing loudly)

Think it was kind of weird

that Ted didn't invite me out with him?

Why? You'd rather be out at some dance club,

all noisy and sweaty, with the...

(imitating drum machine)

Is that what you want?

(imitating drum machine)

Is this what you want?

"30-year fixed mortgage...

I'm three months pregnant."

That was awkward.

Let's start drinking!

Not so fast.

In order for the tannins to mellow,

we should let it breathe for about 30 minutes.

Freaking tannins.

(techno-pop playing)

Do you know what they're doing in there right now?

They're watching Claire's ultrasound video.

And I swear to God, even the baby looks bored.

Come on, it's not that bad.

We're really starting to click with these guys.

Claire and Austin just invited us to their fondue fest

next Saturday night.

Are you honestly trying to get me excited about fondue?

It's dipping stuff in hot cheese. What's not to love?

Okay, that does sound good.

But it's dipping stuff in hot cheese with boring people.

Marshall, it's time for us to grow up.

Marshall knew she was right.

He had to stop acting like a kid.

But not tonight.

Now, our apartment was on the third floor,

so I'm not sure if this part is actually true,

but Uncle Marshall swears it happened.

Taxi!

(techno-pop playing)

The new album is great.

It's all smooth and polished,

not dark and heavy like the early stuff.

Oh, yeah, Nora Jones just gets better and better.

Please, tell me we can drink the wine now.

Five more minutes.

We don't want to rush those tannins.

Freaking tannins.

(techno-pop playing)

(music stops) I'm wetting my pants!

(music resumes)

I think that's when I realized, clubs weren't awesome.

Clubs weren't even okay.

Clubs sucked.

I had to get out of there.

Hey, Robin.

Hey.

Why aren't you inside? I'm calling the owner.

There's a guy in there who won't let me in

to the stupid V.I.P. room.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I had this move, so I came here to bust it.

Can you get me in?

Great. Voice mail.

Thanks, I'll see you! Bye!

Oh, come on, he just got here.

He's probably famous.

Oh, yeah. Isn't there a third Affleck brother?

Keith Affleck or Brian Affleck or something?

Holy crap, we just saw Brian Affleck.

It's not like I care so much

about getting into the V.I.P. room,

I have been in tons of V.I.P. rooms.

I'm not exactly a V.I.P. room virgin.

But seriously, call me back.

Oh, um, I was just in there, Robin Scherbatsky.

I'm on the list.

Name's already crossed off.

Sorry.

But I'm Robin Scherbatsky.

I'm a reporter for Channel One.

There's a channel one?

Back of the line.

Should have snuck in with Brian Affleck.

Aah! Coat wench,

do not uncheck that man's jacket!

Sorry, just being dramatic. You're not a coat wench.

No, no, no, coat wench, I like it.

I should get a sign made up.

What are you doing here?

Lily let you go?

Lily? Who cares, right?

You are so dead. Oh, I am so dead.

Wow, I'm going home.

No, uh-uh. I put my ass

and probably other parts of my body on the line

to come down here and party with my bro.

Now, damn it, we're going to party.

All right, one beer.

Yes!

Finally, I don't have to wait a half an hour for a drink.

Oh, man, I can't believe I forgot to tell you this.

This is important to the story.

Earlier that day, Marshall went to the dentist

and got a temporary crown put in.

Okay, so anyway...

Marshall, are you okay?

Again, I wasn't there, so I'm a little foggy on the details.

Taxi!

Hey. Hey.

Marshall just ditched out on our own party.

Can you get me in there?

I kind of need to kill him.

Actually, I can't even get myself in.

I was such a dork.

I get recognized one time,

and I start thinking I'm Julia Roberts.

I'm no V.I.P.

I'm not even an I.P.

I'm just a lowly little pea, sitting out here in the gutter.

You know something?

I'd take a pea in the gutter over Julia Roberts any day.

Hmm...

(giggling)

(dance music playing)

I broke my tooth!

(in time with music): Do you have...

...any aspirin?

(in time with music): Maybe there's...

a machine in...

...the restroom.

TED: Now to this day,

I don't know what happened in there,

but when Marshall came out a few minutes later...

Rough night?

Yeah.

These clubs are supposed to be fun, right?

Why do I hate them so much?

Because all of the stuff

you're supposed to like usually sucks.

Like these clubs... or cruises.

Or New Year's Eve.

Or the Super Bowl.

Or parades.

The Rockettes.

Or parades.

You said that already.

I really hate parades.

(laughing): Okay.

He just left in the middle of our own party!

You don't do that.

Unless, of course, you're chasing after somebody

who's already done it,

and then... then I think it's okay.

Well, I hate to take his side, but come on, a wine tasting?

What's the big plan for next Saturday, Scrabble night?

Don't check your e-mail.

Why are you becoming this person?

I heard that in college

you flashed a campus tour group on a dare.

Once on a dare.

The other times were just for fun.

I'm not in college anymore.

I'd love to go back and be that person again,

but you can't move backwards.

You can only go forward.

Um, false.

You can go wherever you want.

I guess the question is, where do you want to go?

I want to go into this club and find my fiancé.

Well, that you can't do.

Want to bet?

Follow my lead.

Hey, big guy.

I said follow my lead.

Please, please. Follow her lead.

Come on. Do it, please.

Follow her, please. Yes, please.

(gasping)

Those were the four greatest and only breasts I've ever seen.

Yeah, see, if everyone keeps telling you

something is supposed to be fun, it's usually not.

Right! Right.

So, by that logic,

if you and I were to say, go out on a date...

Well, then we couldn't go anywhere

that's supposed to be fun.

Right. The DMV it is.

Then we'll get our teeth cleaned.

Sounds awful. It's a date.

Okay!

But there's still one big question

that needs to be answered.

How many of these coats do you think

I can put on all at once?

(laughing)

(upbeat music blasting)

(no audio)

Okay, for the wedge...

(music pulsating)

TED: Barney?

Ted.

Get your coat. We're leaving.

What... what happened to that, um...

cutlet you were grinding with?

That was my cousin Leslie.

What?!

No, no, no.

We're not laughing about this, Ted.

This is not gonna be some funny story

that we'll be telling in a couple months.

It's not gonna be like, "Hey, ha, remember that time

when you were grinding with..." No.

And you know why?

Because... italics... this night did not happen.

You promise me you will never, ever, ever

tell another living soul

what transpired here tonight.

You promise.

All right.

Promise.

All right, I promise.

Get Marshall and go, okay?

All right.

Hey, thanks for saving my night.

I'll talk to you soon?

Yeah.

Um, hey, tip her, Barney.

Why? I didn't check a coat.

And even if I did, on principle, tip jars have become so...

Funny story: Barney was grinding with this girl all night...

Fine!

That's a handy new trick.

(loud disco music playing)

TED: So, Marshall and Lily rediscovered their youth.

It was nice.

And then it got... icky.

* It isn't so hard to see

* We're in heav...

(shouting): I'm really glad you guys came out tonight.

(shouting): You know, dude, can I just say something?

It kind of hurt that you guys didn't invite me out.

I mean, I know things have changed since I got engaged,

but it would have been nice to be asked!

I'm sorry! I just assumed...

They played some good songs tonight!

I mean, lately...

I know, I know. It just seems like suddenly

we're living in two different worlds.

Maybe you've got more in common with Barney.

What?

Are you crazy?

You think I like going to those clubs?

I'd so much rather go to your fruity little wine tasting.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna barf.

Where's my purse? where's my purse?

I'm okay.

The problem is, you can't do any of that couple stuff

unless you have someone to do it with,

and the only way I'm gonna find that someone

is by going out and doing stupid single stuff with Barney.

What?

But, man, when I find her,

we're gonna have some bad-ass wine tastings.

It's a plan.

Hey, maybe it'll be that cute coat check girl.

Yeah!

Maybe it will be.

It wasn't.

You know, Ted, I don't say this nearly enough, but I really...

That place has great salads!

(techno music fades in)