All language subtitles for Come Fly With Me S01E06 720p BluRay H264 BONE

This is our final
look at life in one of
Britain's busiest airports.

On today's show, Taaj has to
deal with some angry passengers.

I've only got two sets of ears,
isn't it?

Penny has to work in Economy.

OK, scum, duty-free time!
Who wants booze and fags?

And Fearghal consoles a passenger
with a birthday.

39. Oof! That is old.

I couldn't imagine being 39.
It's like 102 in gay years.

It's 6am.

Thank you, Mr Levatu.
Enjoy your flight.

And today is Keeley's first day
as FlyLo Check-in Manager.

I need to buy a ticket
to Guernsey, please.

- For today, sir?
- 15.05?

Certainly, sir.

That will be ã283.67 exactly.

If you'd like to put your credit
card in the slot.

Just put in your PIN number
and there is your boarding pass.

- Thank you.
- For your information,

all FlyLo flights to Guernsey have
been suspended today
due to industrial action.

Next, please.

Despite now being in charge,
Keeley is having to man the desks
on her own,

as all of her staff have walked out
on strike.

A strike?!

And word soon reaches Head Office.

Well, what is the matter
with these people?

I already pay them ã2 an hour!

Taaj has the unenviable task
of having to tell disgruntled
passengers

that no FlyLo planes
are taking off today.

Everybody, quiet down! I've only
got two sets of ears, isn't it?

What's happening
with the flight to Marbella?

- It's cancelled.
- And what about Lanzarote?

- Cancelled.
- What about the flight to Majorca?

Cancelled. Because of the strike,
all the flights is cancelled.

I'm here with my wife and kids.
This is our holiday.

Thanks to you lot going on strike,
you've ruined our holiday.

- No, boss, you ruined your holiday.
- How do you work that one out?

Because you was a cheapskate and you
booked with a crap airline, isn't it?

No!

I'm 100% behind this strike.
They needs to pay us more money

because I'm still living at home with
my parents, but I've got to move out

because, like, last night,
I was watching Transformers

and I had it paused on the bit
where Megan Fox is
leaning over the car bonnet,

and my mum walked in and she saw it
and it was fully erect.

Although the strike has grounded
all FlyLo planes,

other airlines are operating
as normal.

On this Great British Air flight
to Florida,

Economy is packed,
but First Class is deserted.

Well, it was going to be
a quiet day anyway.

We only had two passengers
booked into First Class

and the passengers in question
have just cancelled,
which is a dreadful shame.

- Hi, Penny. Did you get the message?
- Yeah, such a pity they cancelled.

No, the message about
helping us out in Economy?

Piss off!

Penny hasn't had to work
in Economy for 20 years.

But today, she has no choice.

Ugh!

PENNY: When you draw back
the curtain, the first thing
that really hits you

is the stench, and it's the stench
of the working man.

I mean, they're virtually like apes,
you know.

So if you come at them
with some food...

Arrrgh, arrrgh!

..they start attacking you.

Hot towel? Hot towel?

- Hot towel?
- I'm all right, thanks.

- No, you should take a hot towel.
- I don't want it.

- No, you need to take it.
- I told you, no.

Right...here.

Urgh!

Hot towel?

It's 10am, and back down on the
ground,

the airport's flying school
has a very nervous visitor.

Would you like to come in now,
please?

Happy Burger employee Tommy
is determined to follow his dream

- of becoming a pilot.
- Take a seat.

And today, he has a make-or-break
interview at the flying school.

Right...name?

- Tommy.
- Tommy what?

Tommy Reid.

Age?

20...

- 20.
- ..two.

22?

Aye.

Current occupation?

Burgers.

And what is your main
responsibility?

Oh, buns.

Qualifications?
Do you have any GCSEs?

Well, you see, we don't have GCSEs
in Scotland. We just have Standards.

Oh, I'm sorry,
do you have any Standards?

No.

Do you have any hobbies or
interests?

- No.
- Come on...

you must be able to think of
something.

Oh...

No.

Finally, do you have
any medical conditions

that would prevent you
from becoming a pilot?

Fear of flying.

I think it went really well.

In fact, I dinnae think
it could have gone much better.

I wouldnae be surprised
if they let me fly a plane tomorrow.

- Oh, did I get it?
- I'm sorry?

- Did I get it?
- We'll write to you.

Oh, no, don't do that.
I cannae read.

Think I got it.

Meanwhile, Chief Immigration Officer
Ian Foot is starting his shift.

There are increasing

numbers of people who want
to come and live in this country,

and that's because, let's be frank,

it is the greatest country in the
world.

So to stem the tide of immigrants,
I stop anyone with
a foreign-sounding name.

Like Wong or Patel...

or Murphy.

Today, Ian is interrogating
a Polish man

who has just arrived
on a flight from Warsaw.

Right, now the problem you have,
Mr...

Dubrovsky, is I believe it is your
plan to work here illegally.

- That is ridiculous.
- Well, you say that, Mr...

Dubrovsky.

But there are increasing numbers of
people in this country from Poland -

Poles, Polacks, benefit cheats,
call them what you will,

who come over here, take our jobs
and eat our cabbage.

- That is very offensive.
- I tell you what is offensive, Mr...

Dubrovsky, is the floodgates being
open to people like you.

How do I know your plan is not
to work here illegally as a plumber

or a cleaner or a builder
or a lap dancer?

Because I already have a job here.

During the day, maybe, Mr...

..Dubrovsky.

But how do I know, in the evenings,

you're not going to be shaking
your booty at Spearmint Rhino?

Because I am the Polish Ambassador
to the United Kingdom.

What I'm going to do is I'm going
to let you in this time

and I wish you a pleasant stay.

The way you've spoken about
my countrymen is disgusting.

I'm going to make a formal complaint
about you. What is your name?

Sheila Bennett.

I want to know the name of this
gentleman who has
just interviewed me.

His attitude was
absolutely outrageous.

Many people who pass through
the airport require extra attention.

And they are the responsibility
of Corinne.

My job is to greet people
coming off the aircraft

who have special needs.
For example, today,

I'm meeting an elderly gentleman
who's flying in from Saudi Arabia

who has mobility issues,
and I'll be there to guide him
through the airport,

passport control,
baggage reclaim and into his taxi
as smoothly as possible.

Corinne has worked at the airport
for five years.

When I originally applied for this
post, I was turned down.

But it went to an industrial
tribunal and I was given the job.

But the airline now does have to
employ someone to wheel me,

and that person is Bob.

I am Bob.

Some people have suggested
that I shouldn't have this job.

But I say that those people are
just being racist against disableds.

I'm actually glad to be taking part
in this documentary

because if you think about it, how
many disabled people are there on TV?

David Blunkett, Stephen Hawking,
Piers Morgan.

Our Lady Air cabin crew member
Fearghal
is desperate

to win the Steward of the Year
Competition.

But on today's flight to Barcelona,
he's being less than attentive,

as he's waiting for the nominations
to be announced.

Well, you're not supposed to have
your phone on during the flight.

It can interfere with
the aircraft's navigation system

and could cause the plane to crash,

but this is obviously
a very important call.

TANNOY: Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you for flying Our Lady Air.

We're about to begin our descent
so please fasten your seatbelts

and say three Hail Marys.

- Excuse me?
- Yes?

We've only been
in the air 40 minutes.
We can't be landing in Barcelona yet.

No, we are.
We're landing at Shannon, Barcelona.

- Shannon, Barcelona?
- That's right.

But Shannon's in Ireland.

Yes, madam. In order
to keep our fare prices competitive
we do sometimes land

at airports a little further away
from the city centre.

But we're landing in Ireland.
That's nowhere near Barcelona.

Oh, no, don't worry. A short coach
transfer to your final destination

is included in the price
of your ticket.

Shannon to Rosslare, catch the ferry,
down at Dover,

over to Calais,
through France, across the Pyrenees
and into Barcelona

- in time for your evening meal.
- Which evening?

- Tuesday.
- That's absolutely...

- Excuse me, can you watch
your language, please, madam?
- I'm just...

I don't want to have
to use the restraints.

PHONE RINGS
Cor!

Hello? Hello?

Hel...?

Can you turn the thrusters down?
I can hardly hear!

Thank you.

Yes?

Really? Well, that's fantastic news,
thank you so much!

I'll see you there!

Yes!

- Excuse me?
- Yes?

You're not allowed to use mobile
phones on an aeroplane.
I could report you for that.

Oh, really? Well, I've just been
nominated for Steward Of The Year,

so shove that up your fat arse.

Shepherd's pie or mushroom risotto?

It's two hours into the flight
to Florida,

and Penny is struggling to come
to terms with her new environment.

Urgh, don't touch me!

The noise, the people.

There's only one word
to describe them. Savages.

And I just poked my head
in the lavatorium.

It's positively medieval in there.

Ladies and...
People of cattle class,
may I have your attention, please?

I have just returned from
an inspection

of the on-board convenience,
and one of you has left it
in a revolting state.

Who didn't flush?
Come on. Who didn't flush?

It was someone who had
the mushroom risotto.

Hands up if you had
the mushroom risotto.

PENNY: This whole frightful situation

would never occur in First Class.
People in First Class
don't forget to flush.

They're very diligent flushers.

And if they do, it doesn't matter

because their stools
are perfectly formed and odour-free.

NARRATOR: It's midday, and back
in the terminal the FlyLo strike

is causing knock-on problems
for coffee-kiosk employee Precious,

who's having to close early.

PRECIOUS: We got the coffee,

we got the milk, we got the water,
we got the fire, we got the sugar

and we got the sweetener
for our fat friend

who is afflicted with the diabesity.

Praise be to Jesus,
he died for our sins!

But today, we got no customer.

All them FlyLo staff is on strike.

Them folk just lazy, lazy, lazy.

They doesn't know what hard work is.

I've been working at this kiosk,
day in, day out, for 20 year now,

and in that time,
I sold over 100 cup of coffee.

But today, this airport just empty

so me got no option but to
close early, which as you know,
me hates to do.

Well, you know what they say.

Them low-cost airlines
is the work of the Devil.

Corinthians, chapter 2,
verses 10 to 11.

Closed!

NARRATOR: Over in Departures,
Moses is collecting for charity.

MOSES: As you may know, I do

a lot of work behind the scenes
for my charity, WishWings,

if you'll pardon the pun.

Basically, it's free flights
for very ill children.

We take sick kids and we give them
a break from being ill.

Well, I mean, they're still ill
but they're on a plane.

And I'm very excited
because I'm actually releasing

a charity single, which I'm hoping
will be Christmas number one.

It's a cover of the West Life
classic, Flying Without Wings.

And I've posted the video
on YouTube.

So I'll just show you that.

(TUNELESSLY)
# Everybody's looking for that
something

♪ One thing that makes it all
complete

♪ You'll find it
in the strangest places

♪ Places you never knew
it could be... ♪

I played all the instruments myself.

I don't like to blow my own trumpet
but I did actually
blow my own trumpet!

♪ ..And it's like flying
without wings

♪ Cos you're my special thing

♪ I'm flying without wings... ♪

I love you, Moses.

I love you, child.

♪ I'm flying without wings. ♪

As you can see,
it's already had seven hits

so it's something
of an internet phenomenon.

Do I hope it brings my music
to a wider audience? Yes.

Do I also hope it raises some money
for sick children? Yeah.

That would be a bonus.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile,
in Baggage Handling...

..the strike is having
an unexpected effect.

JOHN: I'm all for going

- on strike, me.
- We don't work for FlyLo, Dad.

Yeah, but it's solidarity, though,
innit, boy? With my FlyLo brothers.

What about all those cases
from Lufthansa?

Nah! Point of principle.
Won't touch 'em.

Right, I'm off.

- Where are you going?
- I'm going home, boy!

Well, when you get home,
can you do your washing-up?

Nah, mate. I'm on strike, aren't I?

It's lunchtime and the busy period
for the airport pub,

- run by Ray and Anne Wilkins.
- Me and the wife

used to run a lovely little
country pub in Wiltshire,
called The Yeoman's Rest.

- A lovely pub, wasn't it, Ray?
- Yeah.

We used to live above it.

I'd do ploughman's during the week
and then roast of a Sunday.

Beef, lamb or pork.

It's very different now.

Now, to get to work, we have to
park the car three mile away
and get on a monorail.

- Lamb was the most popular.
- Yeah.

My dream is to turn this place
into more of a local.

Hello, there! Usual, is it?

I've never been here before.

I'm hoping people
will love the atmosphere so much,

they'll think, "Bugger the flight,
I'm staying here."

You've tried everything, though,
ain't you, Ray?

Karaoke, stand-up comedy,
Friday-night disco,

badger-baiting.

RAY: The trouble is,
the longest anyone has ever
stayed here is 12 minutes.

- NARRATOR: Over at Happy Burger...
- TOMMY: I've got it!

..Tommy's received a letter
from the flying school.

"Dear Tommy,

"thank you for your application.

"Unfortunately, you do not have
the required...qualif...

"qauli...quali..."

- Qualifications.
- "..qualitifications.

"We wish you luck in the future."

Sorry about that, Tommy.

Bad luck, Tommy.

TOMMY: That's it.
Never going to be a pilot.

So I'm going to hand in my notice

cos the only reason I was working
here was to help me become a pilot.

I actually live 400 miles away.

I have to get seven buses in
every morning.

Some days the traffic's so bad that
I just have to stay here overnight

and sleep on a bed of nuggets

and use, like, a bun as a pillow.

Back at the WishWings stall,
there's an emergency.

Moses has collapsed and the airport's
paramedics waste no time

in calling an ambulance.

The children! The children!
How are the children?!

- Stay nice and relaxed.
- I must help the children!

As his colleagues fear the worst,
Moses is rushed to hospital.

(BLEEPING)

I don't think I'm going to make it.

All I care about is that my charity,
WishWings, lives on.

If you'll pardon the pun.

And can you ask Elton John
to sing at my funeral?

Or, if he's not available,
Leona Lewis.

Over at Special Services, Corinne's
helper Bob has hurt his back.

With the FlyLo strike in full flow,
no-one is manning the sales desk.

Typical.

My first complaint is that there's
no-one to complain to,

which, in itself,
is a pretty serious complaint.

Secondly, we have had - and I'm
not going to beat about the bush -

the holiday from hell.

After last week's catastrophe,
FlyLo recommended

that we go to the little-known
African island of Tubutu.

It wasn't long before the dark art
of voodoo raised its ugly head.

Yes, thank you, Peter.

We landed at the airport
and, within seconds,

we were kidnapped by a voodoo tribe.

I thought, "We didn't sign up
for this excursion

"but, hey-ho,
let's keep an open mind."

We were taken to the jungle...

All in good time, Peter.

We were taken to the jungle
and tied to a tree.

In the process,
they ripped my cagoule.

Night fell and the high priestess
put a curse on Peter.

She then produced a voodoo doll
and manipulated Peter

into impregnating
all the young females of the tribe.

There were 17 in total, virgins.

There were 17 in total,
all of them apparently virgins.

It was abhorrent for me to watch

and, if I know Peter, he would've
found it deeply degrading.

I was banging away till dawn.

- Peter, don't be so crude!
- Sorry, Judith.

He was rutting away till dawn.

Fortunately, after eight
or nine hours, Peter was spent

and the high priestess very kindly
gave us a lift back to the airport.

I must say, for as long as I live,
I would never go back there.

I would.

It's 5pm and Ian Foot
is clearing out his office.

After a formal complaint
by the Polish Ambassador,

he has been suspended on full pay.

I've come to expect this sort of
thing. I was suspended
a couple of years back.

A gentleman in a wheelchair
came through border control.

He had a British passport
but an American accent.

So I asked him to step aside...
Well, wheel aside.

Turned out it was
Professor Stephen Hawking.

But you can't make an omelette
without breaking some eggs.

Or indeed adding
butter and seasoning.

I bounced back from that
and I'll bounce back from this.

What I'll probably do now
is go home, open a tin of soup,
see what's on TV,

and if I'm still feeling down this
afternoon, I'll call a prostitute.

Not a Polish one.
A British one, obviously.

Also heading home is Tommy,

who has just finished his final shift
at Happy Burger

and is bidding
a fond farewell to the airport.

Why haven't you got
any clothes on, Tommy?

Eh? I had to give the uniform back.

Thing is, my foster mother
always told me that if I didnae
make it as a pilot,

it was important to have
something to fall back on.

So I'm going to apply
to become a spaceman.

Thank you very much, sir.

It's been three hours since Moses
was rushed to hospital.

But to everyone's surprise,
he's back at his stall.

What happened was I blew
too hard on a balloon, and I fainted.

I think it's ironic that this
happened while I was helping others.

Maybe sometimes I give too much.

Anyway, at the hospital,
I had a lot of test and scans,

and the doctor said that from now on,
I'm going to have to
use one of these.

And even that's quite strenuous.

It's seven o'clock,
and with the strike now
crippling all FlyLo services,

Omar Baba decides to tackle
the ringleaders face to face.

Boy! Come!

Because FlyLo doesn't pay us enough,
isn't it? Yeah, yeah?

Because we is working too many hours,
isn't it? Yeah, yeah?

We need to confront this Omar Baba

and we need to tell him that we
is not going to take it any more.
You get me?

- Yeah? You get me?
- (SHOUTS OF AGREEMENT)

Yeah? You get me? Yeah? You get me?
Oh...um...oh...

- Hello, Mr Baba.
- Please...carry on.

Hmm?

Oh, no, I wasn't doing anything.
I was just listening to,
um, some other people.

In fact...in fact, it was her.
She's actually quite a shit-stirrer.

Please...be seated.

I am a humble man.

When I started this airline,
all I had was a dream...

and ã3.2 billion my father gave me.

And now FlyLo
is the UK's seventh favourite...

Eighth!

..eighth favourite low-cost airline.

To me, FlyLo is a family,

and you are my children.

I know you all by name...

Pet-e.

Jane-et.

And, ah, my oldest friend, Trainee.
(CHUCKLES)

How many times have we laughed
together about the low-cost airline
business, huh?

(CHUCKLES)

Ew.

We are family.

We must pull together.

What is 18-hour shift between
family, huh?

(MURMURING)

What is inadequate toilet facilities
between family?

ALL: Yeah!

What is highly flammable uniforms
between family?

- ALL: Yeah!
- Come on, be a family...

and go back to work.

OK!

First thing tomorrow,
have them all fired.

Yes, sir.

The big night has arrived,

and Fearghal is about to
find out if he's been named
Steward of the Year.

- Good luck, Fearghal.
- Thank you.

So, I get a call from my agent,
who said,

"Dale, would you present
the Steward of the Year awards?"

And I thought,
"A room full of trolley dollies?

"Too camp for me. No, thank you!"

- (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
- That's good, a good gay joke.

Now, I know you have all
been going wild in the aisles

just to get your hands on this...

- AUDIENCE: Ooh!
- ..the fabulous golden trolley.

So, here are your nominations.

- Mary O'Mara...
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

..Seamus O'Shaughnessy,
Larry O'Leary,

- Denise O'Donaghey...
- (CHEERING)

- ..and Fearghal O'Farrell.
- Whoo!

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

I haven't been this excited since
Boots did a two-for-one on Fake Bake.

(LAUGHTER)

The winner is...

- ..Fearghal O'Farrell...
- Yes!

Oh, thank you, God!

..and Mary O'Mara!

- (CHEERING AND WHISTLING)
- What?

The judges have decided
that this year it will be shared,
which is wonderful,

so Fearghal and Mary,
come and join me!

Well done. Congratulations.

Oh, my God!
Thank you so much for this award.

You know what, I think it's great
that it's being shared,

because being cabin crew
is all about teamwork.

I just want to say thank you, guys,
and I share this with you.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Bullshit.

(MURMURING)

There's no way
I'm sharing this award with her.

I scored 100% in those
customer satisfaction forms.

I know,
because I filled in every one myself.

I force-fed nuts to a man with a nut
allergy and then saved his life,

and I slept with the chairman
of Our Lady Air.

I'm having this.
Thank you and good night.

What's got into her(?)

- Gay orange turd.
- (SILENCE)

Yeah, I really enjoyed the evening.

The meal was very nice.
It was good seeing Dale again.

Had a wee bit of banter!

I used to really respect you till you
did those adverts for Cash My Gold.

Dale Winton,
you've destroyed your legacy!

And, of course,
it was amazing to win the award.

It's just a shame
I ended up getting fired,

and my career in the aviation
industry is now in tatters.

Question 41...

At the pub,
Ray has decided to host a quiz

in a last-ditch effort to keep his
customers for more than six minutes.

..played his sidekick,
George Carter?

Don't shout it out,
just write it down.

- Question 42...
- TANNOY: Final call for
passengers...

How many darts championships
has Eric Bristow won?

TANNOY: ..passengers for Amsterdam...

Question 43.

Cockney duo Chas and Dave
had four top-10 hits.

Can you name them?

- TANNOY: ..flight to Barcelona...
- Come back here.

- Ray!
- Where are you going?

Ray, leave it!

What nickname was given to
the former England cricket captain
Ian Botham?

- Get off me, woman.
- Ray, they've got a plane to catch.

Which popular Irish broadcaster
was the first presenter

of the BBC One quiz show
Blankety Blank?

Who played Aunt Sally
in Worzel Gummidge?

How many years
has EastEnders been running?

Ray!

Who wrote the Daily Mail cartoon
strip, Fred Basset?

Ray!

Which Carry On regular
starred in Bless This House?

Ray!

Who played Vera Duckworth
in Coronation Street?

Which celebrity hairdresser married
'60s songstress, Lulu?

(GASPING) Which female tennis star
famously dated Sir Cliff Richard?

I think that went very well.

Night falls,
and our series draws to a close...

...but life goes on at the airport.

Over at Special Services,
things went from bad to worse...

..Peter returned to
Tubutu...alone...

and Omar replaced his entire
workforce with Vietnamese children.

Hello, sir.

Enjoy your flight. Next, please.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk