All language subtitles for Black.Jesus.S03E10.The.Real.Jesus.of.Compton.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-Cinefeel_track3_[eng]

Hmm, hmm, hmm

Hey, Boonie!
Boone -- Nigga, put that down!

That's for company.

You act like I live here.
I am company.

Nigga, you ain't company.
You family, hear?

Family is something
you put up with

'cause they're
fucking family.

Shalinka, Mr. Lloyd.
-Howdy-doo.

Something ain't right.
Your mama pouring me a drink.

She ain't never treated me
like company, Boone.

Oh, there's all
sorts of company.

Invited company, "Who are them
niggas over there?" company,

and, "Damn, woman,
you got a thick ass" company.

I know
this nigga didn't just

say something
'bout my mama --

Yeah, I sure did.

Now that I'm sober,
when I see a thick ass,

I tend to take notice.
Heh, heh.

Nigga, you better not.

Oooh-whoo!

♪♪

♪♪

Ms. Tudi, could you
please tell us

what was so important
for us to be here?

You are about to find out.
Ha!

-What is she up to?
-I don't know.

Hey! Come on in.

So, everyone, this is
Phil Closterfawk.

Osterfawk.

You work for child support,
don't you?

Now, Phil makes
amazing TV shows.

And, get this,
he wants us to star in one.

We get to fight
some zombies?

Or swing swords
with hot babes in tunics?

Nigga, what's your dumb ass
know about a damn tunic?

Hey,
I know they look good

with them skinny
white bitches with sandals

on when they be flying
on them dragons.

You know, as awesome
as that sounds --

and that does
sound awesome --

what I do is much more, uh,
grounded. It's down-to-earth.

I don't know
if you guys have seen

"Real Police Wives
of Simi Valley,"

uh, "Hip Hop Hussies,"

"Lesbian Lockdown".

That's -- Hey.
Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

So he want us to make a
ratchet-ass reality TV show?

-Hey, it sounds good.
-Doesn't it, Boonie?

I mean, come on, Shalinka.
Who can be more ratchet than us?

When it come to ratchet,
we got that shit on lock.

Ms. Tudi, I don't even
know what your ghetto,

criminally-minded ass
is even talking about right now.

I agree with her.
I'm not going to exploit myself

for the entertainment
of the people

unless I get a chance
to kill me some zombies!

Those shows make
folks look stupid.

[ Crickets chirping ]

They also
make people very rich.

By season three, you could each
be making $20,000 per episode.

-What?!
-$20,000. Tell 'em.

Mother fuck a zombie!

-Ohh!
-[ Laughs ]

There's just
one little hitch.

You need to convince Jesus
to be on the show.

Damn. Aw.
What the fuck Osterfawk?

Boonie: And we all get
to live in a fly crib

where you basically mentor us
on how to be better people.

That sound like the business
I do already, Boonie.

But our crib ain't fly.

All I'm saying, man,
is all these shows do

is just make people
look stupid.

Jesus,
I know this looks shady,

but if we do this show,

it could put Boonlinka
and Boon-boon through college.

Oh! Mm-hmm.I don't want them
to end up like their daddy.

Amen.

Hey, Nessa.

Hey, what you think about
this whole reality-show thing?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why are you asking her?

Because she's the only one
that never asks for shit.

But she got
a big nipple.

But she ain't got
nothing else to gain.

That's why I know
she gonna tell the truth.

Nessa, what you think
about that, mama?

I know it can be
some trifling nonsense,

but this may be good to get your
Pops' word out in a big way.

I mean, you can't just be
getting the word out

with sermons on the damn Mount
no more, Jesus.

You need the media
if you want to be heard.

Word. Word. That's right.
That's right. Thank you.

I guess it would get
Pops' word out way faster.

-That's right, man.
-Yeah.

You know what?
I'ma do it.

-God damn!
-That's what we trying to say.

-Yes!
-Hallelujah.

But only if it don't become
the same ratchet bullshit.

I'm not doing ratchet.

At the first sign of
ratchet-ivity, I'm out the door.

♪♪

I'm pretty sure this some
ratchet bullshit, Ms. Tudi.

Jesus, listen, don't mess up
my first day of co-producing.

I mean, you look like...
the beautiful one.

No, I look like
Prince's sofa, Ms. Tudi.

You look great.
So let's go crazy! Right?

Come on, Jesus.
Give it a chance.

Check out
your new digs.

This is not "Purple Rain."
This is purple pain.

But if the show is called
"The Real Jesus of Compton,"

shouldn't it be shot in Compton?

Compton is a shit hole.

Yes, Compton is a shit hole
that a whole lot of honest,

Pops-fearin' folks call home.

-Ugh.
-Well, technically
we are in Compton.

We're calling this
Compton Manor.

Man...

I don't say this often,
but holy shit.

Told you.
I told you.

♪♪

I'd like to welcome you to
"The Real Jesus of Compton."

For the next six weeks,
we'll live together

while I, Jesus Christ
the great and powerful,

will manifest a positive
change for your lives.

Eh, Phil, what's up
with this rock, man?

This rock is hurting my ass.

You got me sitting up
here cross-legged.

That's Buddha shit.
I ain't no biter, dawg.

I got my own style.

We can fix that in post.
Keep going.

Let's "get busy"
with the Spirit.

Uh, I just have
one question, Jesus.

Who in the hell
are these white folks?

Boonie, Lloyd,
Shalinka, Ms. Tudi,

meet your new housemates --

Bruno, Louie, and Bambi.

Bambi? Jesus, I didn't
come up here to shack up

with some stripper
from the Peppermint Panther.

That is so wrong.
I'm not a stripper.

Whatever.
You got a stripper name.

I knew if that white woman
said anything else,

there's gonna be a bitch fight.

In five, four, three, two...

Better a stripper name
than a hoe name.

Shalinka? That's beyond hoe.
That's all corner hoe.

...one.

Your great-grandmama
a hoe, bitch.

Ho! Bitch fight!

Like I said, that lotus pose,
that's Buddha's move.

[ Both grunting, screaming ]

-Oh, Jesus.
-Get her, Shalinka.

Bitch fight!
Black and white!

Put your boy legs to sleep.

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Black Jesus: Hey, look, dawg,
I don't think

all these extra people
are such a good idea.

And this robe is worse than
the last one.

Come on, man.

This thing's so tight,
I got to take baby steps.

Okay, well,
we'll get it changed

after the next scene,
I promise.

Please do. Thank you, man.
Thank you. God bless.

♪♪

And one way to heal
our problems is to share.

Like, I once had a problem
with the Romans...

Problem? Shit.

They mother fuckers
nailed me to a cross.

A cross, dawg!

And me with my forgivin',
mother fucker ass, I asked Pops,

"Forgive them, for they knew
not what they did."

♪♪

They punk asses knew.

...and Pops had a problem
with an angel named Lucifer.

The Dark Lord!
Better recognize.

I recognize, Louie.

But the question is, does
the Dark Lord recognize you?

Honestly,
my relationship with Satan

isn't so great right now.

I can, uh, feel him
slipping from my life.

Good honesty.
Thank you.

Good? This fool talking
about Satan, Jesus.

But he's sharing.
Ms. Tudi?

My problem is
mother fuckers

that won't give me
my proper respect.

It can hurt when mother fuckers
don't respect us.

Mm-hmm.

But the best way to get
mother fuckers to respect us

is to give
mother fuckers respect.

-Hmm?
-But we'll talk
about that later.

Lloyd.

My problem is called
"your Black ass."

-Mm.
-I was a drunk,

but I was a happy drunk.

Then you healed me,
and now I'm pissed.

I am pissed!

Great to hear.
Boonie, do you care to share?

My problem is this
rock-punishing bitch right here.

-Hmm.
-And my problem, Jesus,

is this nigga there,

and this half-naked
white heifer over here.

-Excuse me?
-You heard me.

Get froggy.

I didn't say nothing when
you was eyeballing

that Rico Suave-looking dude
over there.

I didn't even
notice him.

-Bruno here is a sex addict.
-Bruno fucks anything.

Well, all right.

Bambi is also dealing
with sexual issues.

I just can't stop
screwing Black guys.

Hey, well, before you fix
your problem, we should talk.

Absolutely.

What?!

You didn't see
me throwing my panties

at the Egyptian
lover over here.

Why not?

He says
he fucks anything.

Family, we're getting away from
this productive conversation.

I'll show y'all
productive.

Lloyd, what are you --

[ All shriek ]

Ms. Tudi: Don't anybody want
to see all that!

-Oh! Lloyd, what you doing?
-Get away!

-Come back here, woman!
-Get away! Away with you!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Bruno no fuck that.

You know, I discovered,
showing my ass and ding-a-ling,

which is a dick, to others

is the only thing that gives me
the same high

as a fifth of Darby.

I can never unsee that shit.
Never.

Eeh!

It was really big,
and super black,

and there were these,
like, little gray hairs.

But, I don't know.
Maybe that's hot?

Ms. Tudi: Listen. Jesus, Jesus,
just listen.

Listen.
Just listen. Chill.

You don't look bad.

Not bad.
Stupid, Ms. Tudi.

No, no, no.
Not stupid. Unexpected.

Yeah, and unexpected
is what they tune in for.

That's what makes people watch,
you know what I'm saying?

Oh!
What up, Ms. Tudi.

'Bout to get
my nama-nastay on.

Who let this Yoga Bitch
in here?

-Mm.
-And a nice big inhale.

And on the exhale, through
your core, pull up and back.

I can't breathe with this
bitch's funky ass in my face!

There's about to be
a bitch fight up in here.

You hear me, God?

[ Both grunt ]What now?

Bitch!

Bitch fight.

[ Both grunting, groaning ]

Bitch!
I got to go?

Ms. Tudi was fighting, too!

Yeah, but only one of y'all
pulled out the shank.

Look, Pops never meant
for y'all

to have this type
of junk in your trunk.

Wasn't in my trunk.
It was in my hood.

'Cause my engine is hella good.
And tight.

'Cause don't nobody want to ride
that thing and loosen it up.

-Oh, people be riding.
-Ladies, ladies! Please, please!

Look --
look, Teresa, I'm sorry.

This is the end
of your enlightenment.

Teresa, thanks for playing,

but don't forget
your parting gift.

Oh, no!

Sharing my Godly blessings
with God's other children

is a high alcohol can't touch.

[ Laughs ]

I smell Emmy!

Previously on
"The Real Jesus of Compton"...

Damn.
It's supposed to be lights out!

-Come on, dice.
-Show me that third leg, baby.

-Come on, man.
-Yeah!

-Hey, work, Bruno.
-Yeah. Mm.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

If it was up to me, all they
asses to fiery pits, right now.

Yeah, baby.
Come to mama, Bruno.

-Oh, my --
-Girl, yes.

[ Laughs ] Whoa.
Okay, so that's good, right?

That's great.

I mean, Jesus wishing
people to hell,

that kind of twist
is money in the bank.

And speaking of twists --

Phil, I don't want to see
that Yoga Bitch

pop back up here again.

Okay.

Don't nobody need to be
this goddamn healthy.

Ooh, celery sticks!

How anyone's ass get that thick
off some damn celery sticks?

I mean, I know what
the fuck soy is.

Pops made it, but he also
made pigs, chicken, fish.

And, little known fact,
barbecue sauce.

Jesus, what is this?

They got me locked
in this damn thing.

We can't have you
constantly running around

showing your ass off
to folks.

It wasn't my ass
I was showing!

It's not a good look, man.
Nobody want to see that shit.

-Morning, Jesus.
-Good morning, Bambi.

Hey, tiger.
When's show time?

Mm-hmm. How do you know
what people want to see?

You can't go by her.

She's a sick
and confused white girl

with a sick-and-confused
white-girl appetite.

Oh, because she like Black dick,
she's sick and confused.

I like pink toes.
People need to share.

"You're crazy,
and cuckoo-cuckoo."

Look, we'll talk about that
on a one-on-one session, okay?

Now, Boonie, to begin
our one-on-one session,

I'd just like for you
to draw the face

of the person
you have issues with

and tell them
how you feel.

♪♪

What is that?

That's a witch's hat.

Well, go ahead
and tell her how you feel.

Mama, why you always got to be
so mean to a nigga?!

I had to sleep
in that dark room,

and you wouldn't
put on the light, Mama.

[ Grunting ]

[ Sighs ]
Oh.

Did that help,
or are you still mad at me?

No Christmas toys,
mama?!

You're the reason
I'm with Shalinka, mama!

Alcohol used to keep
my bowels moving.

Since your meddle-some ass
has made me sober,

I've been blocked up
for weeks.

You ran daddy away
'cause he was late coming home.

You fucked
my high-school coach,

and I still
ain't get in the game.

[Sobbing] Oh!

Oh. Uh-oh.[ Flatulence ]

I might have to go soon.

I might have to go.

You know what this bitch
be doing, Jesus?

I'm gonna need you
to stop all that crying

and man the fuck up.

I need a black marker
so I can draw her heart.

Phil, this ain't working
out as planned, dawg.

Look, I believe in tough love,
but in private.

I shouldn't have to tell
no grown folks to man up on TV.

That's some Denzel Washington
type shit.

You have to realize,
people need you.

I mean,
bad shit is happening.

Look.

[ Grunting, moaning ]

This happened here?

Yeah.

Man, I hate having
to straighten fools out,

but I'm gonna have to
straighten them fools out.

Great.
Any chance for a miracle?

No.

Man, y'all been straight
wildin' out up in this piece.

The sinning got to stop.

And, Boonie, I'm especially
disappointed in your ass.

Check out this
digital debauchery.

Get your big ass in here.

Oh, hey, well, uh,

sleep fucking
is one of the issues

that I'm here to deal with.

Boonie,
you so damn triflin'.

Shalinka, let she who is without
trife cast the first stone.

Time to ride
the whiteness.

Bruno fucks Shalaylay.

Well, I'ma tell you, both you
heifers are nasty to me.

-Bitch fight.
-Okay, cut!

-Cut this.
-Bitch fight.

Ladies! Ladies!

There is a better way
to settle this.

[ All cheering ]

Bitch fight.

[ All grunting ]

Come on, girl. Don't let her
get you like that.

Bite her!
Bite her!

I never thought Ms. Tudi
and Shalinka

would agree
to some bullshit like this.

They didn't until I offered
them a bump in the money.

Fight! Whoo-whee!

-Jesus!
-Let go, fool!

♪♪

Phil: What do you mean
you're quitting?

I'm done, man.

Pops did not put me here to be
some generic-ass prince

in a Dave Chappelle sketch
gone bad.

Okay, well, you're gonna
lose your friends

a lot of money, buddy.

Man fuck
your money, Osterfawk.

-Jesus, just listen --
-Oh, come on --

Jesus --
you lettin' your robe.

Jes-- can I just --
-Jesus! Please!

-Gosh.
-So, hey, check it out.

I think I know a way
to chill dude out.

Hey, man. Good luck
and God bless with all this.

I'm out.

[ Inhales deeply ]

I know that smell.

That's that world-famous
Ms. Emma's fish.

What's happening, Nessa?
I see you, girl.

Got you one.

'Bout time somebody
slid through

with some fine cuisine
to this joint.

And look here, Jesus.

I just want to say
that we need you.

This whole thing falls apart
if we lose you.

I don't know, Ms. Tudi.

It's getting too ratchet
up in here, man.

It's on me, okay?
Let me try to fix it.

You got to fix it by no
crazy makeup, no emasculation.

I'm au naturel, man.
-Done.

And no sexually-exploitative
mud fights.

The ladies
got to be respected.

Whatever you want,
that's what happens, okay?

Just, um,
give me one second.

I'm gonna tip and pay her,
and then I'll be back.

Get all your money.

Damn! A $50?

Yeah, maybe more
if you say yes.

Are you crazy?

I ain't fucking
your pasty white ass.

Hey, Jesus.
-Wait, no, no.

Boy, I'm --

See, I'll fillet your ass
like them damn catfish.

Nessa, what I want to do

is pay you
to be on the show.

All you have to do is ask
Jesus for a miracle.

What miracle?

Phil: I can see
that you love Jesus,

and that you want
this show to be a success

so that he can spread
his good word.

But unfortunately
I need a big miracle

to put the show
over the top.

Let's all welcome
Nessa to our family.

-Whoo!
-Nessa!

Hey.
My cousin.

And though I've only known
her for a short time,

I must say that I don't know

that there's anything
wrong with her.

Nessa, do you have any problems
you would like to deal with?

[ Birds chirping ]

I mean, I guess...

I'd...like these
to be even.

You sure about that?

I'm sure.

Okay. Let's see
what Pops has to say.

Wait.
Wait, stop. Stop.

I -- I don't know
if I found God,

or maybe I just really
like lopsided titties,

'cause those are
dope as hell,

but I heard that little
sleazy producer right there

say that if she didn't
do this,

your show would never
get on the air.

No. No!
That's all wrong.

Sure, I wanted a miracle,
but so did she.

Let's see what Pops has to say,
'cause He's the all-knowing.

[ Sighs ]

[ Angelic harp plays ][ Chuckles ]

Good news, Phil. Pops says
that miracle is a go.

Get your money, pimp.

Roll on this.
Get this shot.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Jingling ]

[ Air hissing ]Aah!

What the fuck is this?!

What is this?

-Oh, yeah!
-Big pasty-ass titties.

Damn!
Nice and balanced, too.

What the hell, Jesus?

Pops said you'd get a miracle.
He didn't say what kind.

I-I can't go around
like this!

I might be able to
straighten that out.

Just let me holler at Pops.

But I'ma need to run
this show my way.

♪♪

♪♪

And Pops wants you to know
that no matter how fucked up,

how triflin',
or how ratchet you may be,

His love is everlasting.

♪♪

Well, there it is, there.
How y'all love that, huh?

Jesus, I think that's
the most boring-ass shit

I've ever seen.
-Really, Lloyd?

You know, all that hate
don't look good on you.

But I know my man Boonie
know what's happening.

Boonie, what you think
about that, player? Huh?

Oh, he's ecstatic.
Can't you tell?

You know what, we was 'bout
to make some paper.

Huh, 'Linka?
-Absolutely.

We was about
to stack some cash.

Long money.
Right? But, no.

Once again,
our Lord and Savior,

Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes
fuck it up.

Fuck it up.
-I don't know, Ms. Tudi.

Actually,
I might have saved one.

You could have
saved all!

[ All arguing indistinctly ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪