Original subtitles

So according to the agency,

this is it.

I was probably nervous the first time I met my dad.

Can't say I remember it though.

You were only about three minutes old.

Yeah it's only taken you what, three decades?

At least you'll remember it, for the rest of your life.

Do you think he'd be able to tell me anything about mum's suicide?

Or why he decided to, you know.

All of that.

Just remember, he's probably just as nervous about all this as you are.

Call me when you're ready, okay?

Hello.

You must be Dylan.

Albert's just through there. He has mobility issues so I tend to look after him.

Oh, I can see the resemblance now.

He's here.

Sorry have I come at a bad time?

It's just the email said 3 p.m.

No, it's delightful to have a new face in the house.

Isn't it Elsie?

Would you like a cup of tea young man?

Look at you, my baby boy.

Don't worry.

I'm not going to ask you to sit on my lap.

So you know I'm Dylan, right?

Dylan Brookes.

Just in case there's been some sort of um...

...mix up.

Well, it's all in the DNA isn't it?

For years and years, I've been thinking about what I'd say

countless times if I ever met my um,

either of my...

Do you want a biscuit?

They'll be a bit soggy.

No, thank you.

So tell me, son,

how's your little life been?

Yeah,

I've done okay.

I run my own business.

Property development.

Bastard.

I live with my soon to be wife, Anna.

She also runs her own business...

It's coming.

...cake decorating.

Did you hear that Elsie?

My boy's a businessman.

Does that mean you're really clever then?

A billy big brains businessman?

No, I don't think so.

I just work really hard.

I help Albert do his business.

Do you want a little scraping of your dad's cheese?

Leave it out.

He doesn't want any of his dad's cheese.

Do you son?

No, I'm good.

I'm sorry we haven't got any haggis.

So how long has she been with you?

Too long.

I'm probably going to have to let her go soon.

Here, show us yours.

My what?

Your lass! Your bird.

Oh.

Bloody hell. Oh now, she's a beauty.

Yeah, I'm a very lucky man.

She's one of the most caring -

Great tits.

The cheese lady's here!

Now, don't let the whiff put you off.

The more you eat, the less I'll have to.

Are you deaf?!

Don't look at him, look at me!

You've got five seconds to leave the room.

Now show us that picture of the tits again.

I can't.

My phone's about to die.

Oh, that's a shame.

I'll have to use my imagination instead then, won't I?

[ Elsie crying and banging ]

Is she ok?

I'm fucked if I know.

Are you okay?

Did you come for the cheese platter?

Your head is bleeding.

You're a kind young man aren't you.

Such a lovely boy.

You smell like heaven.

I think she needs medical attention.

She's here to attend to me.

Don't you care at all?

[ Big wet fart ]

What the hell is wrong with you?!

Ah, there it is.

That's my boy.

It's just like holding up a mirror.

What? Are you on drugs?

You know that's not the way to talk to your old man.

You haven't been my old man for twenty-nine years.

I don't know what I was expecting.

Did you want to play catch in the garden?

Or did you want your daddy to show you how to play with your...

...little pecker?

Right.

I'm off.

Goodbye.

Goodness knows what my mother saw in you.

You should ask her.

She's dead.

I assumed you knew.

What?

She jumped off a bridge did she?

And floated away.

Yes, as a matter of fact.

And you probably drove her to it.

She's very much alive,

and only I can say exactly where she is.

But first,

come and give your daddy a kiss.

What?

I said, give your daddy a kiss.

Go on young man, give him a kiss.

Stop it.

Come on.

I promise.

No tongues to begin with.

Christ!

You know what?

Fuck you people!

Albert, he's just like you, two peas in a pod!

I am nothing like you!

You're disgusting!

And you!

You need your head seeing to.

Please, just give him a kiss!

Oh my boy!

Still digging in to his roots, but doesn't like what he's digging up!

Why don't you ask your mother how that suicide went?!

Go on mummy's boy!

Keep digging.

[ Screams ]

[ Knock at the door ]

Hello. You must be Anna.

Albert's through there.

He has mobility issues so I tend to look after him.

Bless him.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Uh, yeah thanks very much.

Dylan's just through there, right?

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it's yours, if not...

...Do you want a biscuit?

No, thanks.

They're just through there, right?

They'll be a bit soggy.

Hello?

Hello?

Anna!

Ah! That's the ticket.