Original subtitles

[♪♪]

How about some coffee, sweetheart?

Swell. Bring it in. Uh-uh.

You’ve been at it all day. You should take a break.

Come on in the living room.

ESMERALDA: Hello, Samantha.

Oh, hi. Hi there, Esmeralda.

Wherever you are.

Right here.

Boy, am I glad Larry’s taking this material

to Chicago himself.

If there’s one thing I don’t need, it’s...

Esmeralda.

Oh, dear.

Esmeralda, Mr. Stephens didn’t mean that the way it sounded.

You’re perfectly welcome here.

I am?

Yes.

And you can stay until Mr. Tate gets here.

When is he coming? Any second.

You see? He doesn’t-- Doesn’t--

[SNEEZES]

You really ought to do something about that cold.

It isn’t a cold. It’s a sign of nervousness.

And it’s involuntary, like the hiccups.

Well, I’m glad it’s nothing serious.

You see? Nothing I do lasts.

Even my failures are failures.

Let’s face it, I’m a rotten witch.

Mm-hm.

Darrin, why don’t you go finish your work?

Gladly.

Come on.

[GROANS]

You, uh, seem a little upset.

Is anything wrong? Everything.

Do you remember my old boyfriend, Ferdy?

Uh-huh. Well, he wants to see me again.

But just wait until he finds out that my witchcraft is kaput.

Oh, I’m scared to death. Why?

It’s been over 400 years since I dated him,

and, well, I’ve aged a little since then.

Nonsense, Esmeralda. You don’t look a century older.

Samantha, do you suppose you could do something

to make me younger and more attractive?

What’d you have in mind? A little plastic sorcery?

[GIGGLES]

Huh?

Never mind.

Believe me, Esmeralda,

there is nothing wrong with your looks.

Maybe. But there’s nothing right either.

Oh, well.

I don’t have to see Ferdy again.

Even though it’s probably my last chance to find happiness

and have a home of my own.

I’ll just struggle along somehow.

Maybe I should turn myself into something inanimate,

like a plant.

Then all I’d have to do is sit in my pot and look pretty.

Now, Esmeralda-- Oh, I wouldn’t mind.

Especially if you’d let me stay here.

I wouldn’t get in the way.

And you’d only have to water me now and then.

I am not going to sit here

and listen to any more nonsense.

If I was a cactus,

you wouldn’t have to water me at all.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Uh-oh. That must be Larry.

[♪♪]

Sam, if you don’t mind...

Come on, Esmeralda.

Let’s go upstairs and have a little witch-to-witch talk.

[ESMERALDA GROANS]

[SNEEZES]

Hi, Larry. How are you? Terrible, thanks.

Louise has been hassling me

all afternoon about--

What’s that?

W-w-what’s what?

Don’t tell me

you don’t see the little elephant

standing over there.

How little? What?

Now it’s gone.

That argument with Louise must have affected you

more than you think.

Yeah.

Sam,

what have you got for a headache?

Aw. You have a headache?

No, but I’m expecting one any second.

[♪♪]

[NARRATOR READING ON-SCREEN TEXT]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

Why are you doing that?

Because I am going to give you the works.

And I don’t want you to look until I’m through.

The works?

I-I’m talking about the things that mortal women do

to look their best.

Do you think mortal methods will work in my case?

It won’t hurt.

These layouts are great.

I doubt if I’ll have to be in Chicago more than a day.

Well, thanks. I’ll walk you to your car.

Who said I was leaving? Oh.

After that blowup with Louise I packed my bag

and put it in the car.

I’m going straight from here to the airport.

When’s your plane? Eight o’clock tonight.

What are you gonna do until then?

I thought I’d just hang around here,

if it’s all right with you.

Why not?

Just want Louise to know where I am

in case she feels the need for another argument.

Busy.

Wouldn’t you know it?

Why don’t you go home and tell her?

Go home and tell her I’m here?

[CHUCKLES]

Sweetheart, can you tear yourself away for a second?

Sure.

Larry’s gonna be here until his plane leaves tonight,

so you’d better unload Esmeralda

before she sneezes up another disaster.

I’m trying to do that.

How? By improving her appearance.

I’ve given her a new hairdo,

and I’ve done a lot of work on her makeup.

Oh. How does she look?

Like Esmeralda with a new hairdo and makeup.

What she really needs is a shot of confidence.

Come on up and tell her how great she looks.

Anything to please you and get rid of her.

Don’t forget to tell her

how sensational she looks in the dress.

Okay, okay.

Oh, excuse me. Oh, I’m sorry, Sam.

I didn’t know you had company.

Uh, how do you do? I’m Darrin Stephens. What’s your name?

Oh, stop that.

Who do you remind me of?

I know. Elizabeth Taylor.

No. But that’s close.

Oh, my goodness.

That hairdo is absolutely terrific.

That’s enough.

And you look sensational in that dress.

This is a bathrobe.

But if you look that sensational in a bathrobe,

you’ve really got it made.

That first dress was too tight.

But now I’m going to put the other one on.

And then can I look in the mirror?

Sure.

[♪♪]

What was that about the mirror? Well, I covered it

and made her promise not to look until I was through.

Terrific. What’s gonna happen when she asks the mirror:

"Who’s the fairest one of all" and the mirror tells her?

I-I may have to give the mirror a little shot of confidence too.

Do whatever you want. I better get back to Larry.

Why, I’m beautiful.

Is that really me?

Yes. Hard to believe, isn’t it?

I just can’t get over the effect.

It’s absolutely amazing.

Do you really like it? I love it.

And you really didn’t have to do too much, did you?

No, just a little touch here and there.

Oh. I can’t wait for Ferdy to see me.

[♪♪]

And you’re going to tell me

she’s not staying on that phone just to annoy me?

Larry, instead of staying around here and stewing,

why don’t we go to the range and hit a bucket of balls?

Are you kidding? I played 18 holes this morning.

That’s why Louise was upset.

She felt that since I was going away tonight,

I ought to skip golf and spend the time with her.

How’s that for an unreasonable demand?

What’s unreasonable about it?

Why do you think I play golf?

For my health, right? Does she care about my health?

Obviously not.

SAMANTHA: Darrin? Excuse me.

[♪♪]

What now?

I think I may have gone a little too far with Esmeralda.

In what way?

Judge for yourself.

[♪♪]

There you are, you lovely man.

If he weren’t yours, Samantha,

I’d do my best to steal him.

Sam, are you sure all you gave her

was a shot of confidence?

I told you

I was going to punch up the mirrors.

Oh, before I forget, I just got in touch with Ferdy.

I’m meeting him in half an hour.

Oh, good.

That’s the best news I’ve had all day.

Where are you meeting him? Here, if it’s okay.

What? Here?

Something tells me it’s not okay.

Esmeralda, let me put it this way:

For once, you’re absolutely right.

Sam, we--

Sweetheart, don’t upset her. She’ll go to pieces.

We can’t let her entertain some weirdo while Larry’s here.

Can’t you get rid of him? Only if I burn the house down.

Sweetheart, you have no idea

how important this is to Esmeralda.

To put it in her own words,

this may be her last chance to find a home of her own.

And if she does,

she won’t be around here so often.

I’ll take another crack at Larry.

Oh, Larry, if you don’t feel like hitting some golf balls,

uh, how about going bowling?

I gave up bowling when I hurt my back, remember? Oh, Sam--

Larry, you know Esmeralda, don’t you?

Oh, sure. How are you? How nice to see you again.

How have you been?

Fine.

You’re certainly looking very well.

Thanks. You are too.

Oh, you’re so sweet.

Isn’t he sweet? Very sweet.

I hope you’re all having fun.

No, but would you like to?

Like to what? Have some fun.

What?

Are you married?

Very. Ha-ha. I mean, yes.

Darrin, i-i-isn’t it about time we left?

Where are we going?

What kind of a memory have you got?

You said you wanted to hit some golf balls or go bowling.

Anything. Oh, right.

Goodbye, Sam. Esmeralda. Bye, Sam. Esmeralda.

[♪♪]

Well, Esmeralda, the coast is clear.

Everything’s set. Yes, except for one thing.

What’s that? My witchcraft.

What if I get nervous

and sneeze up a rhinoceros or something?

Don’t worry about it.

He’ll be so dazzled by your beauty,

he won’t notice anything else.

Esmeralda, the stage is yours.

And have I got a terrible case of stage fright.

[♪♪]

Well, so what if you’ve already finished a bucket of balls?

Buy another one.

No, you can’t come home now.

Her boyfriend just arrived this second.

Well, call me in half an hour.

I’ll tell you what’s going on. Goodbye.

Oh, Ferdy, it’s such a joy

to see you again after all these years.

How have you been? Oh, fine. Just fine.

ESMERALDA: We did have some gay, mad times,

did we not?

You know something, Esmeralda? You’ve changed.

[ESMERALDA GIGGLES]

Do you really think so? Yes.

You’re more, uh--

Oh, I don’t know. More poised and gayer.

You don’t notice anything else? What do you mean?

How about the way I look? Well...

Well?

Can I fix you a drink?

Oh, yes, please. Scotch on the rocks.

Scotch on the rocks, coming up.

Where are you going? To make you a drink.

Make it? Heh. Well, why don’t you just zap it up?

Why don’t I just zap--? Why--?

Oh, yeah. Well, how silly of me. Yes.

Scotch on the rocks, did you say?

[LAUGHING]

SAMANTHA: Oh, Esmeralda.

Oh, that is hilarious. Ha-ha-ha!

Scotch on the rocks.

Oh, she has a terrific sense of humor, hasn’t she?

Definitely. Oh, Esmeralda, you are priceless.

[CHUCKLING]

Oh. Oh.

Oh, well, that’s a Scotchman for you.

You mentioned "priceless," a-and he lost interest. Ha-ha!

[LAUGHING]

Oh, that’s too much.

And now, Esmeralda, I really could use that drink.

Well, here you are.

Thank you.

Mmm.

You mind if I smoke?

Well, if you’ll excuse me,

I really have to get dinner started.

I cook by mortal methods.

Oh, really? Isn’t that kind of messy?

Yes, but it’s more fun.

Samantha, there’s something I have to ask you.

I’ll be right back, Ferdy.

[KNOCKING]

Okay if I go now, Uncle Ferdy? Are you mad? Of course not.

Now, you promised to stand by and protect me.

You realize I almost missed lighting that cigar for you.

How come? You had your back to me.

You better watch it. No, you watch it.

Or else this reunion is gonna turn into a disaster.

What’s the difference? Sooner or later she’ll find out

your witchcraft is shot. It is not shot.

It just needs a little assist.

The situation really isn’t as bad as it seems.

Usually, when you get nervous, you sneeze or fade out,

and you haven’t done either.

That’s only because I’m too scared to be nervous.

Samantha, I will not go back in there again

unless you promise to keep helping me.

Please. All right, all right.

Samantha, how come Ferdy hasn’t noticed how different I look?

Uh, well,

that’s because when you look into the mirror,

you see the image that you project.

And when that happens,

your reflection casts back your inner glow,

and your charisma comes to the fore.

Because after all, beauty is in the eye

of the beholder, isn’t it?

Isn’t it? Yes.

Do you understand?

No.

Well, y-you just go on acting beautiful and feeling beautiful,

and I’ll take care of the rest.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

[♪♪]

Oh, Esmeralda, I just realized how neglectful I’ve been.

Why, I completely forgot to bring you flowers.

Now, let me see.

As I remember, uh,

roses were your favorite.

Oh.

What’s wrong? Oh. Oh, nothing.

After all, what are roses without thorns?

Oh.

I think I’ll join you in that drink.

Well, you better get one of your own,

because I don’t think we can both fit into this one.

[LAUGHS]

I think I’ll have a margarita.

Hey, Mac.

What are you doing there?

What is it? Uh, nothing. Not a thing.

Let’s drive down to Mulvaney’s Bar.

We didn’t get a call to go there.

Maybe you didn’t, but I just did.

[♪♪]

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello? Oh, hi, sweetheart.

No, I-I, uh,

I can’t talk too long.

Because the extension cord’s not long enough.

Sam, I don’t know what you’re talking about,

and I know better than to ask.

[LAUGHING]

Would you care for something to eat?

Oh, that would be nice.

How about some, uh, smoked salmon, huh?

One smoked salmon, coming up.

Oh, dear.

Darrin, I cannot leave Esmeralda

unattended like this.

Samantha, don’t you dare hang up.

Oh, I don’t know how that could’ve-- Could’ve--

[SNEEZES]

Gesundheit.

[BARKS] Gesundheit.

Oh.

Oh, Ferdy, there’s something I’ve got to tell you.

Oh, dear. Samantha’s pearls.

Oh, Ferdy, I am so nervous.

Would you put them back the way they were?

Oh, why, of course, my dear.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Pearls, back the way you were.

Oysters?

Oh, Ferdy, I didn’t mean to go that far back.

Esmeralda, now that you’ve brought it up,

there’s something I have to tell you too.

Darrin, I have got to go,

or Esmeralda’s gonna be in a lot of trouble.

Sam, Larry’s insisting we go back to the house.

He wants to pick up the portfolio

and get to the airport.

Uh-oh. Where’d he go?

Uh, the fella you came with?

Uh, he said he was tired of waiting

and he would see you at your house. He flagged a cab.

What? Oh, thanks.

Sam, Larry’s on his way over there right now.

Get those two oddballs out of there, quick.

Aye, aye, sir.

[♪♪]

Oh, E-Esmeralda, I’m sorry to--

Oh, Samantha, wait till you hear this.

Ferdy’s powers aren’t in any better shape than mine.

Oh, which reminds me, here are your pearls back.

I’m afraid that was my doing.

I tell you, I was a nervous wreck

for fear that she’d find out,

but as it turned out, she’s a wreck too.

What a relief. Ha-ha-ha!

I’m glad. Now, I hope you two won’t misunderstand, but--

Congratulate us. We’re engaged.

Oh, that’s wonderful.

Now, what can I give you for a present?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I know, a trip. Starting right now.

Well, goodbye and good luck. Samantha, wait.

Well, I-I can’t. B-but what is it?

There are a few things in the living room

we couldn’t get rid of. [DOORBELL RINGS]

What kind of things?

Well, two seals.

And a smoking salmon.

Oh, my stars.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

I don’t see anything. Well, they’re gone.

That’s one advantage of being a failure.

Larry, wait.

Would you like me to work on your pearls?

Oh, no. Uh, never mind.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

But you simply must go now.

Would you like me to give you a little booster shot?

Thanks, but together, I think we can make it.

What was that?

Hi, sweetheart. What was what?

There were two people standing there. Esmeralda and a man.

Then they faded away.

Oh, Larry.

You need a rest.

You and Louise should take a little vacation.

You mean from each other?

That’s a perfect example of why this is happening to you.

It is. It’s a perfect example.

In what way? In what way?

It’s your whole attitude toward Louise.

When you don’t respect someone,

when you treat them as if they don’t exist,

they just disappear from your consciousness.

They-- They fade away.

Follow me?

No.

[♪♪]

[RINGS]

Hello?

Oh, hi, Louise. Yes, he’s here.

Oh, you don’t say.

Uh, Larry, it’s Louise.

I wonder how Miss AT&T managed to squeeze me into her schedule.

What Louise just told me

is gonna make you feel pretty foolish.

The line’s been out of order all day.

Sure, with the way she stays glued to the phone.

It has?

If I were you, I’d take her to Chicago with me.

You’re right. And I will.

Hello, teddy bear.

What do you mean, where have I been all day?

Most of it I’ve spent trying to call you.

But never mind that.

How would you like to pack your toothbrush

and your chin strap and come to Chicago?

Honey, I was just kidding.

What are you getting so uptight about?

Sam and Darrin know you don’t use a chin strap.

It was a joke.

All right, so you don’t think it’s funny.

How about going to Chicago?

What kind of an attitude is that?

She refuses to go.

I am not persecuting you.

It’s all in your imagination.

But-- But--

But--

[♪♪]

[♪♪]